Break Ups Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

[Skills]

Re-reading all the texts I sent, I once again realise what a social retard I am

As i said in my break up video...

Everyone becomes a social retard, needy, game goes out of the window... Your mind is not right fight flight, PTSD etc...

Happens to everyone..

 

[mirror]

Re-reading all the texts I sent, I once again realise what a social retard I am

Chill.. probably you are fine. You just need a tad more confidence right now. Try to focus on the positives

 

[mirror]

"let's think about things and see if we can reset when you get back", and every time she was like " " - she isn't even declining outright...

Can you ask her about this? Maybe some other people confused her too (youknow girltalk and friends with 'useful' advice and stuff)
But i dont think a girl that sends hearts is not into you.

But it's good you are reflecting and learning from things.

 

[mirror]

She said it on day of break up and a few days ago when I was trying to re-initiate after RakeHell's advice. Didn't sound like it was ultimatum. More like a statement.

Play by play in days before break up was written by me on page 7.

1) Basically she was away all June, came in July, saw her as normal, did many nice couple activities together packed into a tight schedule as she said she was going to go home again soon.
2) No real signs of drama under surface - except her being caught up in various family matters and me needing to ask her repeatedly to extend her stay here for longer - to quote from her "There is not much for me to do in London now.. I know you are here, but...." - this nonchalant attitude if she stays here to see me for longer or flies to her parents surprised me (and I should have acted here)
3) She asked me if I want to attend her masters degree graduate reunion event about 10 days before break up - which I declined, very foolishly as I wanted to concentrate on work...
4) Day of break up: I met her in evening after she spent the afternoon with her friend that she invited me to meet previously...

Ok, i do agree with the people here after reading all this. You are very emotional about it. That's all fine, but not helping you think clearly right now. Take a break, do some fun things, then you can decide what the next course of action is.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Can you ask her about this? Maybe some other people confused her too (youknow girltalk and friends with 'useful' advice and stuff)
But i dont think a girl that sends hearts is not into you.

But it's good you are reflecting and learning from things.

Right now pinging her and asking her about this is a bad idea.

Ok, i do agree with the people here after reading all this. You are very emotional about it. That's all fine, but not helping you think clearly right now. Take a break, do some fun things, then you can decide what the next course of action is.

Agree that she emotionally detached?

Well right now she is still away, I think, and I'll also be away for next 2-3 weeks, so yeah, no point in acting right now. But of course doesn't help to decide in the long term.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

When I say 'pulling back' I do not mean going no-contact, I mean being completely ambivalent about your future together and not making any attempt to fix anything.

See if you can have a conversation without you bringing up the relationship at all, just talk about other stuff. Is she still keen to talk to you? Is she distant or guarded? Does she start talking indirectly about the relationship without you prompting? Is there anything she wants to get off her chest? Can you make her laugh?

If there is anything left of her desire to be with you, she will feel it most strongly when you are just enjoying the moment together, without any pressure. But you will have to be able to release all your expectations and enjoy vibing with her as if it is all you want or need from her.

But any hint of neediness or agenda and it'll all be for nought. If there is any avenue for the relationship to continue, it will have to be her choice and by her invitation, as a result of her wanting to continue those moments. If you can't do that, then I'd suggest moving on completely and focusing on your own future.

I think it is best if you mentally accept that it's over, and treat it as if all you want to do is leave good feelings and memories before she goes, as someone you cherished. That may be what it ends up being, but you'll have given her the opportunity to experience the best of you again, and decide for herself what she wants.

I see. Yes, that could be the way to go. Depends on how I feel in a few weeks' time...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

When I say 'pulling back' I do not mean going no-contact, I mean being completely ambivalent about your future together and not making any attempt to fix anything.

See if you can have a conversation without you bringing up the relationship at all, just talk about other stuff. Is she still keen to talk to you? Is she distant or guarded? Does she start talking indirectly about the relationship without you prompting? Is there anything she wants to get off her chest? Can you make her laugh?

If there is anything left of her desire to be with you, she will feel it most strongly when you are just enjoying the moment together, without any pressure. But you will have to be able to release all your expectations and enjoy vibing with her as if it is all you want or need from her.

But any hint of neediness or agenda and it'll all be for nought. If there is any avenue for the relationship to continue, it will have to be her choice and by her invitation, as a result of her wanting to continue those moments. If you can't do that, then I'd suggest moving on completely and focusing on your own future.

I think it is best if you mentally accept that it's over, and treat it as if all you want to do is leave good feelings and memories before she goes, as someone you cherished. That may be what it ends up being, but you'll have given her the opportunity to experience the best of you again, and decide for herself what she wants.

I see, thanks.

Somehow I feel too that if I want to see her soon, then simply hanging out with her may be optimal.

It's funny you wrote this. Back when she attempted to break up in May, she was at first like "I have bad news for you...We can't have sex anymore" before going into rationalisations about not seeing her friends, age gap etc. It's as if she wanted to hang out still but did not want / could not have sex anymore with me.

I basically smoothed things over that night by saying "yeah you need time off, take a break blah blah" and basically ignored her statement about not having sex again. We actually ended up hanging out 3 days later all day long, but did not have sex despite her inviting me to hers, as I had a cold and didn't want to infect her. Next time I saw her was a month later when she came from abroad and we fucked.

This time 3 weeks ago when she broke up "again", she again mentioned "feel like I am forcing myself to see you...can't have sex.....you ignored me saying this last time... There is not passion...don't love you...where is this gonna lead...".

This time I was so taken aback that she again started the break up conversation that I panicked, over reacted and took her statements at face value and this is the result....

The underline feature, it seems to me that because she always verbalised this idea that she is "only good for sex and has nothing else to offer me" due to LSE and hence she was always internally doubting my long term intentions and this anxiety spilled over.

So maybe just spending time with her may repair things naturally without forcing any difficult conversations.

And as Mirror commented, if she responds with thumbs up and heart emojis when I repeatedly texted her shit like "think about it and lemme know if you are up for a reset..." maybe she isn't 100% closed off despite saying she is.

But of course getting her to hang out is not easy now since I made repeated attempts to patch things up.

 

[mirror]

So maybe just spending time with her may repair things naturally without forcing any difficult conversations.

Just take it easy, chill, ground yourself. Nothing beats grounding yourself. No sex can fix what strong inner game can.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Just take it easy, chill, ground yourself. Nothing beats grounding yourself. No sex can fix what strong inner game can.

Thanks. It's not about sex fix for me, it's about intimacy and companionship.

It's funny how many people after they break up tend to stay "friends" with an ex and still hang out together. Sometimes they still end up hooking up even after the break up. I never had this happen with any of the girls that I saw for an extended period of time - it was always boom / bust or just fade away.

So maybe it's something I can try with this girl. But I don't really know how to go about it lol

 

[mirror]

So maybe it's something I can try with this girl. But I don't really know how to go about it lol

Hm, i have always done this/tried this with people. It's a rocky period at first but later it stabilizes I guess. Anyway, still think you are overthinking on it.
Actually the one rule that applies at trying that is: do not overthink.

Try to ground yourself. You need to get away from the loss feeling somehow.
To be honest, I am in a similar situation regarding recurring loss feelings and recurring hope.
What helps me is to let it all go. It's like you try to recenter into yourself. Breath in and out, focus on meaningful connections, let every wave get up to you. Cry where needed, love where needed, get angry where needed nd foster growth in all areas you feel that are useful.

I think a friend of mine is trying the same thing

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Hm, i have always done this/tried this with people. It's a rocky period at first but later it stabilizes I guess.

You mean hang out with girls you've broken up with? How was it? Who did the breaking up?

 

[mirror]

You mean hang out with girls you've broken up with? How was it? Who did the breaking up?

Hm. Not that deeply in love. So not comparable perhaps.
- But my first crush that broke my heart, time after time, was in my class. So i had to see her every day. If she had changed I would have given her a chance.
- the first relationship i broke off, the girl blocked me. So couldnt stay friends, nor give it any other chance. My reasons for the breakup were crap so could have. Met up as friends years later. We had changed too much.
- the first big broken heart i kept occassionally checking in with. Met her a few times later afterwards
- fwb's or others i have had sex with, with quite some i kept in touch with. Some more than others. One of my last fucks is actually a good friend to.me now. It helps.that she got a boyfriend and we both did not have any expectations regarding love

How was it? Honestly. If you love someone, just go for it. Dont let silly things keep you from finding happiness. After 8+ years of torture, I think I am entitled to say that.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

After 8+ years of torture, I think I am entitled to say that.

Why 8 years of torture?

If you love someone, just go for it. Dont let silly things keep you from finding happiness

But just "hanging out" with someone after break up if you still love them is not that easy.

Thing is, I am not sure if it's smart to try to contact a girl again soon who initiated the break up recently and when I tried several different contact attempts in recent weeks, as you have read. With the last one being my text "the ball is in your court if you want to reset things in future". She may just think I am desperate which is not attractive and this could reduce my chances to 0.

But I don't know. Not talking to her at all for a long time may just mean she vanishes forever, especially since she is not a permanent resident here.

- fwb's or others i have had sex with, with quite some i kept in touch with. Some more than others. One of my last fucks is actually a good friend to.me now. It helps.that she got a boyfriend and we both did not have any expectations regarding love

Yeah, I never really kept contact with my fwb's, but I didn't have that many really. They all tended to either vanish, or get a boyfriend and just go quiet, not that I particularly desired to keep in touch with them anyway. They were more like occasional regular hook ups rather than fwb's, though.

 

[mirror]

Why 8 years of torture?

Ofcourse with ups and downs, but limerant state.

But just "hanging out" with someone after break up if you still love them is not that easy.

True bro. Thing is, if she still has feelings for you, and she didnt break off contact and you still think you are a good match. I think there are ways to make it back on track. Need to think on it or look through some items. But step one is understanding where the other is at.

She may just think I am desperate which is not attractive and this could reduce my chances to 0.

I believe some guys have honestly begged their exes to get back with them SUCCESSFULLLY.
Dont worry about showing vulnerability. It may be a better way than steamrolling.
Look if she is someone worth your money that way and hasnt closed the door on you yet, she might accept it. The highway road to sex is not always the road to better sex later. Even though many guys on the forum seem to think that good sex beats all (with the whole high status frames and women that look for that), relationship management is something else than raising and lowering attraxtion spikes. It's about learning to recognize and meet each others signals.
If you want a partner, you want someone that's willing to also answer your distress signal.

The tips others gave, they work best with closed doors I think, the one I am giving you is about an open door.

And then there is what to do with an half-open door and that's just keeping meeting and heightening the attraction more and more which takes away most of the doubts if there is a doubt at sexual compatibility from her side.

Actually,

But I don't know. Not talking to her at all for a long time may just mean she vanishes forever, especially since she is not a permanent resident here.

I agree. Difference between closed door / half open to open door too.

Yeah, I never really kept contact with my fwb's, but I didn't have that many really. They all tended to either vanish, or get a boyfriend and just go quiet, not that I particularly desired to keep in touch with them anyway. They were more like occasional regular hook ups rather than fwb's, though.

Sounds like you didnt really connect with them, hence the contact was not important to you both.

 

[Rakehell]

But I don't know. Not talking to her at all for a long time may just mean she vanishes forever, especially since she is not a permanent resident here.

Is that so bad?

Think of it like this, you’ve used up every trick in the bag to get her to come back. With each attempt you’ve been met with calm resistance, and assertiveness on her end.

Pushing for any form of a relationship with her under that pretence communicates to her three things. For one, she can go about her life free of you while you wait in the wings like an orbiter. For two, it shows that she made the right decision as you clearly want to stay in contact with her more than she does with you. For three, if you all ever did have another relationship, all she has to do when she’s not getting her way is to pull the same card, because she knows you’ll crumble before her, she’d be wearing the pants.

There is no way to continue a relationship, friendly or what have you, with her in the way that you want as things are now.

If you push for anything before she does at this point you will be relegated to a platonic friend who’m she might hangout with if she’s in the mood.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

I believe some guys have honestly begged their exes to get back with them SUCCESSFULLLY.
Dont worry about showing vulnerability. It may be a better way than steamrolling.

One ex LTR told me a story about how she broke up with a guy who's been with her for several years. Then he begged her and said he can't live with her and said he wants to marry her. She said she didn't know what to do and agreed to marry. They divorced a year later. Their situation was different though, apparently he had developed heavy depression while they were together, and this was the catalyst in making their life together miserable and prompted the break up in first place.

The tips others gave, they work best with closed doors I think, the one I am giving you is about an open door.

It's not clear just how open the door is, given everything that happened and my (admittedly poor and confused) attempts to rescue things. I don't think it's fully closed but saying it's half open is bit of a stretch I reckon. The good thing is that I won't be able to physically see her for another 2-3 weeks which might give some breathing space.

It's difficult to understand since she is LSE and she still responded with heart emoji to my last ping attempt when I said I thought of her etc, but at the same time she says she doesn't want to continue.

which takes away most of the doubts if there is a doubt at sexual compatibility from her side.

But this is not about sexual compatibility, it's about lack of progression, ignoring her signs etc

Ofcourse with ups and downs, but limerant state

8 years? Why so long? You haven't given any info, so I assume it, whatever it is, never worked out despite your attempts?

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Is that so bad?

Think of it like this, you’ve used up every trick in the bag to get her to come back. With each attempt you’ve been met with calm resistance, and assertiveness on her end.

Issue is that these " tricks" were confused and poorly executed by me. Most of them were in the days immediate after break up to try to get her out, and then she went abroad to be with family. Now a bit of time has passed, and it will be some more time before I am able to meet her.

There is no way to continue a relationship, friendly or what have you, with her in the way that you want as things are now. If you push for anything before she does at this point you will be relegated to a platonic friend

Since she still responds with heart and thumbs up emojis when I said that I've been thinking of her (when I attempted to ping her a week back as per your suggestion), I am not sure even how she actually feels. She could be saying one thing (don't want relationship to continue) but emotionally in two minds

But can't push for anything right now anyway since there's geographical distance between us.

The earliest realistic possibility is in a few week's time - too early then?

 

[Will_V]

Since she still responds with heart and thumbs up emojis when I said that I've been thinking of her (when I attempted to ping her a week back as per your suggestion), I am not sure even how she actually feels. She could be saying one thing (don't want relationship to continue) but emotionally in two minds

To be blunt, this means very little, it's easy for her to send emojis and stuff like that, she's an emotional creature. No doubt she likes you and cares for you but the question is whether she wants to be your girl. And the litmus test for whether she wants to be yours is whether she follows your lead aka gives you compliance.

It's the perennial story of guys to be receiving tokens of appreciation from women and believing that this means that something is brewing. You don't want to fall into that especially after a breakup. That's why men who have abundance of women tend to be fairly impatient.

Just remember that the relationship can't survive if your frame doesn't survive, though it might appear that way for a while. She (and all the other girls you may have in the future, for that matter) can only choose to be with someone she respects, and respect depends on how strong your frame is.

 

[Swati]

anti depressants

Pop a molly I'm sweating yehhh.

All seriousness, those that are on SSRI eventually become a weirdo

During the time when Gunwitch was on here, he advice strong against SSRI, I think he mentioned some people on it taking their own life because of it. It fries your brain or deplete your brain being able produce dopamine naturally. His not one to be WU WU about shit, as his pretty experiential himself.

Unfortunately, I had an acquaintance with an idiot who gave me 1/3 of SSRI, no idea about the mg, fun for the 1st hour, felt amazing. During the come off I wanted to die, literally that shit is one wicked drug.

I was chatting with fire fighter buddy in the states, working in dispatch, from rescues and jump out the windows. A lot of the people he tries saving are weirdos were or is on SSRI. That confirms my suspicion of the drug fucking your head up. Of course ALL drugs are problem. I sound like 60 year old, but if you think about it, is it not true....?

ALSO, did you know when SSRI was introduced and when the school shooting started happening? They were drawing correlation to violence crimes and acts

Now for the girl taking that, it'll for sure change her mentality. Way she'll act, behavior, think... her mood and etc

I'm not sure if she was on birth control together as well.

I didn't read the 22+ pages you got going on. But whatever it is, high probability is because of the years of taking the synthetic drugs. That's the reality we live in today, a lot of people on drugs

 

[HeartOfChaos]

To be blunt, this means very little, it's easy for her to send emojis and stuff like that, she's an emotional creature. No doubt she likes you and cares for you but the question is whether she wants to be your girl. And the litmus test for whether she wants to be yours is whether she follows your lead aka gives you compliance.

It's the perennial story of guys to be receiving tokens of appreciation from women and believing that this means that something is brewing. You don't want to fall into that especially after a breakup. That's why men who have abundance of women tend to be fairly impatient.

Just remember that the relationship can't survive if your frame doesn't survive, though it might appear that way for a while. She (and all the other girls you may have in the future, for that matter) can only choose to be with someone she respects, and respect depends on how strong your frame is.

Ok, to be clear - earlier you suggested that if I do see her, to do it with a "mentality of not trying to fix it, but instead letting her tell you what she thinks has happened", but also you said "see if you can have a conversation without you bringing up the relationship" - isn't this contradictory? Do you specifically mean not talking about what happened at all, but only if she brings it up?

Further going by your suggestion to spend time together without expectations, do you reckon contacting her in next few coming weeks and asking her directly to meet up and spend time together is likely to work?