Break Ups Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

[Will_V]

Ok I see. Gotta say, she seemed to gain a tiny bit of experience with men since coming to UK - she said she had makeouts with 2 guys she met at parties / bars she been invited to, in the one and a half years before meeting me. And she said she met a couple of others guys on her degree course who she fancied but was too shy to talk to them etc. She tried some dating app for a bit but told me that the few conversations she had all petered out.

But now this is all beside the point.

I tried your strategy, we chatted via text last night and today, then I tried to make the move you suggested "been thinking about everything that happened blah blah..."

To cut the story short, she basically responded "I care for you deeply, but I don't want to continue a romantic relationship with you. We already said our goodbyes before (referring to the letter). I don't want to continue this conversation...I want and wish the best for you".

So, seems the window of opportunity is truly closed, at least for quite some time.

I will not be contacting her again for a long time, if ever - unless she reaches out first.

A part of me feels very sad for how things went and how stupid I was for not paying to her signals earlier, when she was basically telling me them.

But who knows, some posters here (Teevster) believe that no matter what I would have done, it would have ended the same sooner or later. I don't know.

Another part of me is relieved somehow that I tried my best to reinitiate things (although I get that I weakened my frame a lot). Also relieved that in hindsight, trying to make a future with someone who has hereditary mental problems really isn't a great idea from the perspective of future children, etc, let alone that after all her family background is muslim, and I am not, which could have also caused some friction. I really tried my best to get her interested in certain things I value (like Buddhism, spirituality, exploring the great outdoors) but she wasn't very responsive, so some important values seemed not to align either...

Good that you found perspective on things, and gained a better understanding of the situation.

I think it's unclear if it was salvageable or not, but I concur with @Skills that there were way too many different people contributing different ideas and making it hard to conceptualize things and stick to a plan, which is even more difficult to do when you're emotionally feeling messed up and desperate to find a solution.

I suggest in future when you are faced with a situation like this, choose someone whose advice and outlook on things you respect, and pm them asking for help. These kind of threads can sometimes provide important context, but as prescriptive manuals they are terrible. I usually try to avoid offering specific advice unless someone asks directly for it, and instead limit my input to whatever clarification I can give on the reality of the situation, so that everyone involved can see things maybe a little more clearly.

Anyway, all the best going forward!

 

[HeartOfChaos]

i told you that brother...... early pages... i also told you that she ain't autistic... i also told you to wait, but you ping her, when she is going to be on the trip which is retarded...... wasted of a ping...

Yeah man, I was really oscillating between waiting and pinging. I was really driven by the thought that she will start disengaging too much emotionally and going completely cold....

But how is being autistic (or not) related to the fashion stuff I just mentioned... I guess one might be autistic but still pay attention to that...

 

[Rakehell]

To cut the story short, she basically responded "I care for you deeply, but I don't want to continue a romantic relationship with you. We already said our goodbyes before (referring to the letter). I don't want to continue this conversation...I want and wish the best for you".

So, seems the window of opportunity is truly closed, at least for quite some time.

I will not be contacting her again for a long time, if ever - unless she reaches out first.

Yeah, if the post breakup emotions aren’t there then there’s not much you can do other than wait around and busy yourself hoping some other dude doesn’t fill her up in the interim.

Those 3-4 weeks getting past the grieving process only to “maybe” get back with her at the end would’ve been counter-productive and dragging the thought of her on unnecessarily.

Strategic distance is still you internally latching onto the prospect of her.

It’s a win-win, and now you have the closure you need to let it go, and find someone who is better compatible and healthy.

 

[Rakehell]

Please let me know what college and degree in psychology you had...

How many test you ran on your session with the Turkish girl??

How many female patients have you treated with autism???


This is ridiculous

Lmao brah, don’t be mad that he used my advice and not yours. You think I typed all of that just because?

 

[Skills]

Yeah man, I was really oscillating between waiting and pinging. I was really driven by the thought that she will start disengaging too much emotionally and going completely cold....

That is not how no contact works brother, I posted and explained to you what happens to her during no contact....

But how is being autistic (or not) related to the fashion stuff I just mentioned... I guess one might be autistic but still pay attention to that...

I told you or chase that you have an issue with the fundies somewhere....... but yeah your break up has nothing to do with fashion or being autistic...

Your break up had to be with lack of progression she thought she was an fb...

By the time you adjusted she had reach breaking point....

no contact will re-set that > were she will feel withdrawals no matter what she will look for a way to ping.... or if enough time has pass you can even ping indirectly... but usually they reach out...

I had your exact same situation, i had a girl: she was actually a fb

- lack of progression
- explain to her and made her feel good after she checking out,
- told me to go fuck myself
- i try to reason (like chase says)
- told me to what don't you understand fuck off (she was angry as fuck)

- then no contact

- a month later blowing up my phone. text and calls

- at that point i had reach ptsd i wanted to call her but did not

- a month later ping inderctly > pick her up bang...

^ fb no girlfriend...

But is common...

 

[Skills]

Good that you found perspective on things, and gained a better understanding of the situation.

I think it's unclear if it was salvageable or not, but I concur with @Skills that there were way too many different people contributing different ideas and making it hard to conceptualize things and stick to a plan, which is even more difficult to do when you're emotionally feeling messed up and desperate to find a solution.

I suggest in future when you are faced with a situation like this, choose someone whose advice and outlook on things you respect, and pm them asking for help. These kind of threads can sometimes provide important context, but as prescriptive manuals they are terrible. I usually try to avoid offering specific advice unless someone asks directly for it, and instead limit my input to whatever clarification I can give on the reality of the situation, so that everyone involved can see things maybe a little more clearly.

Anyway, all the best going forward!

well will during break up this type of posts in the community are normal, in my opinion is just a way of therapy that actually helps with the hurt in fairness....regardless of level:

i did it

tyler did it

mystery lol

i seen guys go with this on chats in private (which is more annoying) they will pm you like crazy

- latest was karea

i think is something that people actually need to do... A lot of them just go to reddit, which is worst...


But in agreement about the action part...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

That is not how no contact works brother, I posted and explained to you what happens to her during no contact....

I told you or chase that you have an issue with the fundies somewhere....... but yeah your break up has nothing to do with fashion or being autistic...

Your break up had to be with lack of progression she thought she was an fb...

By the time you adjusted she had reach breaking point....

no contact will re-set that > were she will feel withdrawals no matter what she will look for a way to ping.... or if enough time has pass you can even ping indirectly... but usually they reach out...

I think the urge to contact her sooner got the better of me, despite in hindsight understanding it could be better to wait.

I think the urge really depends on how much you let the girl emotionally affect you during the "relationship"... I even remember a few girls in the past reaching to me out of the blue several months after radio silence from me, when I basically forgot thinking about them....But the trick is that my level of emotional attachment to them in the first place was nowhere near to the level I had for this girl...That's the difference

 

[Skills]

Lmao brah, don’t be mad that he used my advice and not yours. You think I typed all of that just because?

i am not mad about the advice i am not as smart or verse as you are...

But if i was i can make eloquent sounding smart post making the point she is actually an ai robbot...

- she is from turkish which turkish people are know to be the best at using humans as ai...

- the way she can compartalise her emotions it means she is not human she is an ai...

- the way she insist on going to op house she has to be an ai robbot, she needs to see the charging mechanics of the outlets of the house

- the way her vagina did not allow the penis to penetrate during sex is cause she needs lubrication typically with ai robots...

She is an ai...

op the way you went about the advice in this forum is not based on dudes with 100 of relatinship experience and break ups, they did it with humans...

The way to deal with the turkish, is to use ai programming i would contact topcat and dww they are good with coding...


See what i did rakehell.....

i made a ridicolous speculation sound smart with my fucked up english...

 

[Will_V]

well will during break up this type of posts in the community are normal, in my opinion is just a way of therapy that actually helps with the hurt in fairness....regardless of level:

i did it

tyler did it

mystery lol

i seen guys go with this on chats in private (which is more annoying) they will pm you like crazy

- latest was karea

i think is something that people actually need to do... A lot of them just go to reddit, which is worst...


But in agreement about the action part...

Good point, maybe best to start the thread, get lots of input, and then choose one set of advice/one person to get specific advice from.

I don't mind getting pm'd in a situation like this, although I'm still reluctant to offer specific advice because there's typically a lot of context and subtlety you can't foresee or manage. There's a tendency to hope/believe that a fixed procedure will always work (not just for relationships but pickup) and that's just not true. Timing, general frame control, managing interfering factors all comes into play. That's why I'll usually just stick to laying out principles and clarifying the lay of the land.

Anyway, it's good to see that guys are keen to help out, it's a good community we have!

 

[Rakehell]

i made a ridicolous speculation sound smart with my fucked up english...

It’s a forum, everyone takes the ops reads and draws their conclusion based on their own experiences.

Nothing I said was speculation beyond what you’d consider speculation in anything that you had said.

How long have we spoken for? In real time? Implying i’m using AI to fabricate responses is disappointing and unnecessarily hostile. Stop talking with Velasco so much.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

I had your exact same situation, i had a girl: she was actually a fb

- lack of progression
- explain to her and made her feel good after she checking out,
- told me to go fuck myself
- i try to reason (like chase says)
- told me to what don't you understand fuck off (she was angry as fuck)

- then no contact

- a month later blowing up my phone. text and calls

- at that point i had reach ptsd i wanted to call her but did not

- a month later ping inderctly > pick her up bang...

^ fb no girlfriend...

But is common...

So wait, she contacted you a month later with calls and texts, but you didn't reply?

And then another month afterwards you pinged her indirectly? Did I understand this right?

 

[Skills]

It’s a forum, everyone takes the ops reads and draws their conclusion based on their own experiences.

Nothing I said was speculation beyond what you’d consider speculation in anything that you had said.

i know and i am agreeing facepalm!

How long have we spoken for? In real time? Implying i’m using AI to fabricate responses is disappointing and unnecessarily hostile. Stop talking with Velasco so much.

no lol, i was being sarcastic on how we can make weird diagnosis, get it, i was trying to be ridiculous to make the point that we actually don't know she autistic, context...(brah i know you don't use ai, facepalm)

 

[Skills]

So wait, she contacted you a month later with calls and texts, but you didn't reply?

yes i did not want her back i had some weird ptsd (she was super annoying)

And then another month afterwards you pinged her indirectly? Did I understand this right?

actually 2 months after...(it was 1 to 3 months don't remember the time period but definitely after a while)

but yea, they usually reach out if no contact is done correctly... but if not you can ping after certain amount of time...

The ping is indirect...

^ when she came back she came in best behavior.... amazing...

Like it i was you i would have target probably a Canadian holiday coming up or Halloween to ping... Like in USa labor day weekend coming up.. which is sept 1st...

 

[Rakehell]

i know and i am agreeing facepalm!

no lol, i was being sarcastic on how we can make weird diagnosis, get it, i was trying to be ridiculous to make the point that we actually don't know she autistic, context...(brah i know don't use ai, facepalm)

I see, my bad.

I also accounted for the advice you gave. I tried to work with what op had already done without giving him anything that’d go too much against it.

He was already planning on going no contact, which could work, but to me it seemed like he didn’t use all the cards he could’ve before taking that route.

And he wouldn’t have been able to do no contact the right way, because emotionally he didn’t have enough closure to go through with it without thinking about her(he hadn’t done enough).

Right now she is on vacation yes, so the withdrawal phase wouldn’t kick in until she’s back, but the initial breakup grief (like what he’s experiencing now) is also a good time to get back with a girl, which she would of had to go through despite being “away”. He could have capitalized on the regret and indecision that comes with breaking up.

During no contact there’s always that chance that she moves on emotionally, or even worse, rebounds until she eventually gets back with him and “settles”.

But regardless he can still use no contact now, with a better head on his shoulders, and once she’s not distracted from the breakup, the no contact will do its thing.

And OP in the meantime, can make more rational choices, and decide whether or not if getting back with her is something he actually wants.

 

[Skills]

Good point, maybe best to start the thread, get lots of input, and then choose one set of advice/one person to get specific advice from.

I don't mind getting pm'd in a situation like this, although I'm still reluctant to offer specific advice because there's typically a lot of context and subtlety you can't foresee or manage. There's a tendency to hope/believe that a fixed procedure will always work (not just for relationships but pickup) and that's just not true. Timing, general frame control, managing interfering factors all comes into play. That's why I'll usually just stick to laying out principles and clarifying the lay of the land.

Anyway, it's good to see that guys are keen to help out, it's a good community we have!

i can tell you have not gotten the pms lol.. brah! is diahreeah of emotions and guys repeating themselves...

But yeah i don't mind either... i was making the point on what happens, and that believe it or not it does help op, feel a bit better... women have strong support system... Men don't have that...

you can't go to your dad, or male friend talking about how hurt you are, is weird for men.... women do have a huge strong support system.... so forum serves the purpose...

But the problem is, a guy says go direct, another guy do ai, another dude says don't approach let her approach, then another says go indirect...

so the dude mix advice he make eye contact and smile then girl smile back he is going to approach then stops and leans back waiting for her to approach in the middle of approaching, now the girl is confused he said i think i like your style but let me get your opinion on something who lies more women or men?

^ she will be like what a weirdo... that is why happens when you mix 5 advices into 1...

 

[Skills]

I see, my bad.

brah i know i call you my son all the time... lol you are one my favorites

I also accounted for the advice you gave. I tried to work with what op had already done without giving him anything that’d go too much against it.

but that is the thing you should have giving him more, he does not know what he is doing, so if you going to give it, finish it..

He was already planning on going no contact, which could work, but to me it seemed like he didn’t use all the cards he could’ve before taking that route.

And he wouldn’t have been able to do no contact the right way, because emotionally he didn’t have enough closure to go through with it without thinking about her(he hadn’t done enough).

we all do the same, that is normal, he was actually trying...

Right now she is on vacation yes, so the withdrawal phase wouldn’t kick in until she’s back, but the initial breakup grief (like what he’s experiencing now) is also a good time to get back with a girl, which she would of had to go through despite being “away”. He could have capitalized on the regret and indecision that comes with breaking up.

i totally disagree she is going to be gone for a month... no contact would have been perfect...

During no contact there’s always that chance that she moves on emotionally, or even worse, rebounds until she eventually gets back with him and “settles”.

uhmm unlikely they move on emotionally that fast, they already moved on emotional at "break up" the no contact bring them back in reset "emotionally"

But regardless he can still use no contact now, with a better head on his shoulders, and once she’s not distracted from the breakup, the no contact will do its thing.

And OP in the meantime, can make more rational choices, and decide whether or not if getting back with her is something he actually wants.

but he wasted a ping... and you are theory of striking when iron is hot, that is gunwitch when it comes to fucking a girl....

That theory has 0 to do with break ups... with break up you will actually get her to miss you and think about the "good" and ping

 

[Will_V]

i can tell you have not gotten the pms lol.. brah! is diahreeah of emotions and guys repeating themselves...

Lol! I've had a few pms and mostly it's been a good experience, probably not as many as you!

The relationship articles are also great to go over in these situations, I've referred to them myself on plenty of occasions.

 

[Rakehell]

but that is the thing you should have giving him more, he does not know what he is doing, so if you going to give it, finish it

He had everything he needed in what I gave. If he followed through then there was nothing else he could have done.

but he wasted a ping... and you are theory of striking when iron is hot, that is gunwitch when it comes to fucking a girl....

That theory has 0 to do with break ups... with break up you will actually get her to miss you and think about the "good" and ping

I used to think that, but I’ve been in the same scenario many times now and done what I gave to OP.

If she’s depressed crying in her room etc post breakup (even if shes the one who did it), you reaching out with warmth without chasing is a branch that they’re willing to jump on. Even if she doesn’t immediately accept she will reach out trying to backpeddle if she was really emotionally invested in you and feeling that.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

yes i did not want her back i had some weird ptsd (she was super annoying)

actually 2 months after...(it was 1 to 3 months don't remember the time period but definitely after a while)

but yea, they usually reach out if no contact is done correctly... but if not you can ping after certain amount of time...

The ping is indirect...

^ when she came back she came in best behavior.... amazing...

Like it i was you i would have target probably a Canadian holiday coming up or Halloween to ping... Like in USa labor day weekend coming up.. which is sept 1st...

Ah ok ok. Yeah you know I already thought about this that the best time to break no contact would have been way down the line in autumn or winter, sometime when she's more likely to be here on her own and feeling lonely, rather than away at home with family like now

I remember like last winter when she was here, even though we'd see each other usually like twice per week, she'd still message me in evening randomly asking "what do you do when you feel like shit" etc...

I actually reckon if she does ever reach out to me it's likely to be around winter time sometime as that's when she seems to be more depressed...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

He had everything he needed in what I gave. If he followed through then there was nothing else he could have done.

I used to think that, but I’ve been in the same scenario many times now and done what I gave to OP.

If she’s depressed crying in her room etc post breakup (even if shes the one who did it), you reaching out with warmth without chasing is a branch that they’re willing to jump on. Even if she doesn’t immediately accept she will reach out trying to backpeddle if she was really emotionally invested in you and feeling that.

Yeah... Seems that she has disengaged emotionally pretty quickly after break up, or as others said she started to disengage quiet a bit much earlier on, and was oscillating last few weeks until something triggered her.