Help a friend in need

mella

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
May 7, 2022
Messages
32
Hey guys, let me know your suggestions on this. I have this friend, used to be my roomate, he's 27 and he has a mental disability (learning disability). He gets very scared around girls, like, merely their presence alone will spook him into total silence. Also, he doesn't realize that you need to take baths as a man. There's no chick on earth who would go to his bed let alone his room or house. He has a decent job but he never gets pussy and I'm pretty sure he never has. He told me how he paid for prostitutes on 4 occasions and that's it. What can I do for him? He's such a sweetheart, a really kind and sensitive type of guy, and it really hurts my heart to think about how he'll never have a woman. He deserves to have a woman. I'm not sure if it's possible to help him though. I tried taking him to some bars with hot chicks there but he just clams up when the moment approaches. None of the advice I gave him really sunk in. It's like his fear is too strong. At the same time I sure don't have a lot of time to work with him extensively.
 

phuasjn2

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jun 5, 2022
Messages
86
For one, he absolutely needs to be taking baths. Daily hygiene is essential for both getting girls and keeping a healthy body. You probably have reminded him about it. His parents have probably told him a million times. At some point, you should bring him to a therapist first to get him to understand how to make a habit out of keeping basic hygiene.

Then he needs to overcome his anxiety one way or another. Starting with bars may be too crowded or too much stimulation. Day game could be another option. Get him to start with simple approaches such as asking woman for directions, just saying "hi" to woman. Slowly working up to indirect game and direct game. Keep it easy and simple.

Social circle could be another alternative. Get him to join group activities such as dancing, yoga, art so he can connect with the group. There is less pressure in the group environment vs going to the bar and meeting strangers. Over time it can help to desensitize his fear of women.

Good luck!
 

XO!

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Sep 11, 2021
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17
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the whoa zone layer
He's gotta brush up on some basic social skills before he can even think about talking to women, let alone seducing them. But given that he's not maintaining proper hygiene either, it seems his issues may run much deeper. Therapy is indeed a good suggestion, but this requires him to acknowledge that a) he has a problem in the first place, and b) he should get help. This might be a tougher battle depending on where his mental is at.

Can you provide a bit more context? When you say learning disability, are we talking something like dyslexia or does he have one that influences his behavior (like ADHD)? And how does he do in general social settings?
 
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Calibration

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Nov 21, 2021
Messages
338
From what you've described, I'm pretty sure he has gone through childhood trauma. He needs to resolve it first and foremost. He needs to see a therapist specialized in childhood trauma and medication might help to some extent. No amount of social skills and game will help until her fixes his childhood trauma. I'd start off with suggesting him to read the book "Body keeps the score"

 

ElderPrice

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jun 11, 2018
Messages
568
You mentioned that you want him to get laid, but what does he think? Does he want to? He needs to be motivated himself to change and start attracting women. That's how you help him. You can't do it for him.

If he really wants to improve that part of his life, then really the first step is to get his head on straight. A therapist is probably his best bet, but again, the therapist can only provide assistance. On his own he should start reading authors like Jordan Peterson, Eckhart Tolle, etc to start understanding how his mind works and how to change for the better.

Going straight to a bar and diving right in can help, sure, but that's just behavioral therapy. That can work for guys with a good head on their shoulders who just need to get in the habit of taking action, but for someone like a friend, it probably won't end well and he'll probably always have anxiety in those situations since he's not addressing the root of his issues.
 

HumanWhoLearns

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 25, 2019
Messages
97
Has he expressed or demonstrated the desire to improve his life? He has to be 100% dedicated to change since it is going to be a painful and tough road. All you can really do is share some knowledge and offer some advice; the rest falls on him.
 

mella

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
May 7, 2022
Messages
32
It’s more like an inability to grasp things intellectually. He told me he was always in special ed classes at school. His handwriting, for example, is simply chicken scratch. He does well at his job (referee at high school basketball games, he used to play too), which is very people-orientated but doesn’t interact so well outside of there. When we were roommates he could hold absolutely normal & decent conversations with the rest of us. But he’s very gullible. He told me a story of how he was living with 2 dirty alcoholic hooligans who took advantage of him and treated him poorly. They easily conned him into paying their Comcast bills by telling him some puny little sob stories, never having any intention of paying him back. Uhhh, so yeah I’d say when it comes to social interactions he’s slow to grasp things and also very vulnerable. He’s even scared of driving his car on nights when it’s raining. He asked me to give him a ride to the corner store a half-mile down the street just because it was night and raining moderately.

But, yeah, you guys are right. He has to be the one to change his life, to turn it around and make it into something much more robust. I don’t honestly know if he has the mental capacity to do that though. I’ll ask a therapist what he thinks.

Pretty sure he has childhood trauma. He told me his parents were abusive, his mother a raging alcoholic and his father the type of asshole who screamed at his kids a lot (they divorced later). Judging by his sheepish body language whenever he’s out someplace, I’d say he got bullied a lot too. He’s the type of guy who was probably the perfect target for bullies.

At the same time, it’s strange how he doesn’t ever seem depressed. Not outwardly for sure. I think a lot of times folks who have disabilities don’t even think about how lackluster their lifestyles are and thus feel more or less content with living their current lifestyles. Never saw him looking sad.

Anyway, I think what I'll do is try to motivate him to seek a therapist who will help him with fear and with social situations, so that he can finally get a woman in the end. I hope he will succeed, but with his mental abilities being very limited I can't tell how far he will get. Worth a try though.
 

Winston

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jul 4, 2021
Messages
145
Regarding his traumas, I suggest you look into TRE and make him practice regularly (3-4 times a week, over >6 months).

It will eventually help him with girls and people, but this doesn't sound like the top priority right now. The first step seems to make him heal from his traumas. Regardless of what happens later with girls, his life will be better as a result of the TRE process.

There is an in-depth explanation here:
 
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