How do you tell if a girl is being disrespectful versus you are overreacting?

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Feb 27, 2014
Messages
95
This is a problem of mine I've had most of my life. I am a generally paranoid person and tend to see the world in a negative light (I've had a shitty very abusive childhood, and a negative life up until about high school). I also suffer from depression, so try Prozac! You may suffer sudden heart failure, diarrhea, nausea, headaches... Just kidding lol.

Anyways, I don't have a good or accurate compass for when the girl is being respetful versus I'm being paranoid. I know every person is different and all our boundaries are different. Even "universal boundaries" have large excepts and would only apply to like 40-60-80% of guys at most. A lot of the times I'm either feeling EXTREME GUILT like I can't stop thinking about what I did and assume I was overreacting and it makes me feel shitty for days or weeks on end. But this could be manipulation by guilt. I also apologize profusely.

Other times I perceive their behavior as disrepspectful and I am filled with rage and can't stop thinking about how I was wronged or how wrong they are/were and how much I want to tell them off and prove that I was right and they were wrong. (The saying that would you rather be right or would you rather be happy applies heavily here) But I can't ever be certain I was right or wrong a lot of the times, and sometimes I'll pick a fight over something trivial.

I also bring up the past a LOT. Like if she does something wrong months ago I'll bring it up still. And I compare myself to other guys a lot (I know bitch ass pussy move), like, "You treat him better than me" or "You did this for him but not for me" or "Why couldn't you have treated me better?" or "If you had treated me better from the start we wouldn't have any of these problems" (putting the blame on her essentially for everything that's occurred).

Now to clarify an important point, even though everything above is true, I will still own up to everything I do wrong and apologize for it usually numerous times. Often without hearing that they forgive me. A past girl never explicitly said they forgave me when I apologized but when we talked later she acted like I never did anything wrong and when I asked, she said she forgave me for everything already and doesn't care about the past. The next day I sorta blew up on her over stuff in the pasts which is a really weird and bipolar reaction of mine.

The same past girl would pretty much never own up to anything she did wrong. Like after months of being shitty (or I was being paranoid and inaccurately perceiving her behavior as shitty), she did apologize profusely, once, and I said I forgave her. Then I kept bringing up the past, but in a moment of rage she retracted her apologies from the past which is why I brought things up from the past before she apologized. However, I know the apology at the time was real, and you can't take the past back, so a retraction of an apology is just an immature thing. But so was my behavior in making that apology invalid after she said that (when I know better that it was real), thoughts on what you'd do or what would be the right situation? A month after this apology she gave, she apologized a second time on the phone after we talked for 2 hours and she cried profusely and apologized for everything in detail, it was too specific for her to have been faking it). She later also retracted this apology, but again, it was real at the time, so, wtf?

The main thing with me personally is, the action itself doesn't matter that much. It's the intent behind it. And the intent is what I can't prove, and my perception is off with regards to intent. Like if a girl hurt me A LOT but it was purely accidental and I knew 100% for a fact it was accidental, I could forgive her and let it be.

But regardless of the drama above, feel free to comment on the relationship I described, it was mainly used as an extreme example.

However, my main questions were what the title was about: How do you tell if a girl is disrespecting you and you should be drawing a boundary or telling her she's wrong? Versus, how do you know when YOU are the one overreacting and being paranoid?

Like, her actions are not being disrespectful but that you are simply being paranoid? Or at the very least what she did, although wrong or very minimally disrespectful, is irrelevant to the point that it is not even worth bringing up or starting any drama over? Because I start drama with pretty much any small issue that bothers me, most of the time.

At least recently since my life has fallen apart and my mom got breast cancer, family is in financial trouble, and my health has gone downhill due to a car accident.
 

Fluxcapacitor

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
556
@Water dude! Firstly I find it bad etiquette to bump a post no one's replied to. I understand ya frustrated dude but posts usually go unanswered cause they're badly written (this is badly written - and that's coming from me!) an secondly because they don't have the insight or experience to offer the relevant advice needed.

Your examples are vague, I have no idea on my opinion if you've overreacted or not because I don't know what they've done. Ultimately though this is your decision on your own boundaries. So you've either got to work on your mental model to understand your boundaries and appropriate ways to act, or you've got to learn to not react emotionally and make a logical decision.

The answer to the main question is no one knows. If you feel disrespected she's crossed a boundary, it's affected you and you've reacted. This is something inside you that says that's unacceptable. If it's unacceptable, it's unacceptable and if the behaviour isn't modified or she doesn't apologise the damage is already done.

Was your boundary very tight? Maybe you need better expectations or a more appropriate boundary.

If you feel you overreacted after the heat of the moment it happens, but this usually says you reacted emotionally and then you realised you were being a bitch. It happens, but it shouldn't happen all the time.

Remember your flawed mental models are yours to fix, not hers.

You shouldn't constantly be flipping out at your lover, that's not healthy and you probably should end things. You also shouldn't constantly be doubting yourself wondering if you overreacted. If you're always thinking this it's not congruent with you and not decisive enough.

I think you need to establish your personal boundaries before you impose these on some poor girl. The constant arguing and apologising is exhausting reading about. If she disrespected you what the fuck are you apologising for? Did you overreact? Maybe, does it need an apology? Not always.

The more you apologise the weaker you appear. Only apologise when it's called for. Read the article on should you apologise? It will help.

You also shouldn't start drama, it's a very powerful technique if you need it, but the relationship sounds volatile enough and you're both playing the female drama card. If you accept her apology you shouldn't bring up old stuff. That's very immature, you shouldn't be stuck in the past. If you've moved past it you've moved past it and if she repeatedly does it after you've told her not to then that is disrespectful and you should next her.

There's too much to get into from your OP but hope this helps a bit dude
 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Feb 27, 2014
Messages
95
The reason I ask is because I have some mental illnesses and life experiences that make my perception of my personal boundaries and other people's intentions less accurate, especially when I am more emotionally involved. The examples are vague to try to encompass more answers I suppose.

I tend to interpret intentions as more negative than usual, due to my distrustful nature and life experiences. My boundaries are very inconsistent and fluctuate depending on the person. If I care enough I'll be a doormat knowing I'm wrong because of a lack of assertiveness. Other times, I'll snap because I feel a boundary is crossed, but then question if I was right.

A concept learned in therapy is, "Every emotion is valid." I agree with this. Every feeling everyone has is valid. However, this does not mean the emotion is appropriate to the stimulus that induced it, or the actions that you desire to follow through the emotion with. So, using my emotions as a barometer isn't going to solve my problem. At least with girls I am emotionally invested in.

With girls I do not care for, and most of my lays and FBs, I just don't care at all and my boundaries are strict and I don't tolerate anything. So, I guess that means boundaries do change (I am realizing this as I am writing this) based on how much I care about the person. I am willing to tolerate more as I want them in my life more. We forgive our families more than strangers. We forgive those we love than acquaintances.

I just need to reflect on this further. Getting therapy and always asking for other people's perspectives too, but I get different answers sometimes, and trusting my heart/gut is not something I entirely believe is the right choice, as my compass for a proper and healthy boundary is not accurate. At least in terms of the ideal attractive male. I am quite prone to react too quickly and over smaller things, and being more relaxed / chill / and carefree for the most part is more attractive, and to pick your battles wisely is more important.

I think deep reflection in solitude thinking about past experiences and writing down a lot along with meditating on such situations will give me clarity. Probably 12-24 hours (not consecutively lol) of this should help me.

Was not aware it was rude to bump a thread. I've been doing that for over a decade on forums. Just figured it wasn't read, or bumping shows it is a little more important to the OP than it originally seems. Just a habit. Will take your advice though.
 

Tank

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Messages
99
Good rule of thumb: if an acquaintance, friend or colleague did the same thing to you, would you put your foot down or let it slide / make a joke of it?

Second step, if you are still unsure: can you imagine a scenario where you'd do the same thing yo the person, while at the same time holding that person with respect in your eyes?

Also putting your foot down is not giving them shit about it, or accusing them or threatening or anything. It's just saying please don't do that (again). If they do it again, you cut them out of your life entirely, without expressing any anger towards them in actual words or actions.
 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Feb 27, 2014
Messages
95
But if I overreact (which I know I have in the past) and they react properly (or overreact back at me), then who's wrong?

Or who should apologize first.

Weird things happen when both or one person have mental illnesses. I'm thinking of a scenario where both have mental illnesses.
 

Tank

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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99
That's like asking you took a shit on someone's nice Persian rug and then they raped your cat with a broomstick, how do you make amends? It doesn't really matter at that point. Probably it's best to part ways because the situation has become toxic, and let the pain of loss be the cost to bear to learn to be less of a fuck up in general.
 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Feb 27, 2014
Messages
95
So wisdom. So much common sense. Btw, how is game going for you with the quarantine where you are? Or how the quarantine was?
 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Feb 27, 2014
Messages
95
Good rule of thumb: if an acquaintance, friend or colleague did the same thing to you, would you put your foot down or let it slide / make a joke of it?

Second step, if you are still unsure: can you imagine a scenario where you'd do the same thing yo the person, while at the same time holding that person with respect in your eyes?

Also putting your foot down is not giving them shit about it, or accusing them or threatening or anything. It's just saying please don't do that (again). If they do it again, you cut them out of your life entirely, without expressing any anger towards them in actual words or actions.
But, shouldn't you be treating your potential g/f or potential FB, or current FB or FWB or g/f with more respect or forgiveness and leniency than an acquaintance. Not sure about friend (depends on closeness). And colleague? Not sure, I keep professionally with them and don't allow emotions to get involved as much as possible. But I'd cut a LOT of bridges if I followed the rules you just brought up.

The second step makes the most sense and seems the most applicable, but it's hard for me to put myself in that hypothetical scenario based on the issues I mentioned previously. I think instead of a lack of respect (or maybe I do lose respect but it goes unnoticed because other negative feelings override this loss of respect) that I instead simply become pissed off and snap, or call them out in a non-mature way, and sometimes ask for an apology, in which I'll receive what later on becomes a fake apology.

Me: Can you say sorry.
Her: Okay, sorry.
Me: Can you promise you won't do this again?
Her: No.

WTF??

Maybe I'm trying to hold onto something that should've ended eons ago, and I'm ignoring common sense and deluding myself due to my obsession with this (these) girl(s) in order to justify their behaviors.

There's obviously more context and I'm also at fault as well.

How do you know when a relationship has become too negative / toxic and is no longer reparable or worth continuing?

And what is the best way to cut contact?

November suggested saying nothing and simply ghosting her 100%. Without saying a word or tearing them down at all, which he used to do, but it didn't help make him feel better at all. Surprising coming from such a guy.

I can't seem to cut contact permanently with a girl I feel an unhealthy obsession with. But I also have trouble permanently letting go of people for some weird reason. I need to reflect on this aspect of my personality.
 

Fluxcapacitor

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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556
@Water dude! Thread bumping has been discussed on the off topic board by skills, and although it isn't a rule not to bump threads they should really be updated with value and not just BUMP. (That said ZacAdam dude bumps a lot of old threads which annoys skills, I think he's bumped some great threads I'd have otherwise not read)

It doesn't look socially aware and like a desperate plea for attention. It does let readers know it's important to you, but most posts will be, that's why you took the effort to write it in the first place.

I know it sucks not to get a reply when you want answers, but it's similar to being ignored by a girl. You wouldn't just text her back hi....

Back to your question best way to cut contact depends on the situation. Are you breaking up with them? Is it am official relationship? Read how to break up with a girl. Is it because she's crossed a boundary? Have you thought about telling her how to fix it? If you've tried everything, remember there's 2 of you in the relationship and you can't always fix everything so when all else has been tried tell her to fix it. (Articles about this are worth reading)

If you're not official, she hasn't done anything to fix and you're giving up on trying use the parting shot or a ball in her court. This allows you to end it and telling her what she has to do to come back. You might actually get what you want and if not well you've called things off anyway.

Once you've called things off go no contact. 100% cold, block her if you have to but go ghost. You have to be 100% on letting her go, you can't crawl back.

It's always worth using one of the above techniques before giving up. You might get blood from that stone dude
 

ZacAdam

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Nov 20, 2012
Messages
4,752
Me: Can you say sorry.
Her: Okay, sorry.
Me: Can you promise you won't do this again?
Her: No.

WTF??

Maybe I'm trying to hold onto something that should've ended eons ago, and I'm ignoring common sense and deluding myself due to my obsession with this (these) girl(s) in order to justify their behaviors.

There's obviously more context and I'm also at fault as well.

How do you know when a relationship has become too negative / toxic and is no longer reparable or worth continuing?
It's painful. Logically, you have reach that end. Emotionally, you will eventually let it go. Hopefully you will let it go. It's not easy.

And what is the best way to cut contact?
Block them on social media. Block them on whatsapp. Block them online. If it is important, you will get reached by phone, SMS.

I can't seem to cut contact permanently with a girl I feel an unhealthy obsession with. But I also have trouble permanently letting go of people for some weird reason. I need to reflect on this aspect of my personality.
The girl feels like the only permanence in your life when everything around you is crumbling. Don't be too hard on yourself. But You do have to have your own back.

I can only feel empathy for your car accident.
I can only feel empathy for your family's financial struggles.
I can only feel empathy for your mom's breast cancer.

I'm rooting for you. But you should root for you. :)
 
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