I love this advice here. Quick 5-minute talks should simply be enough sometimes.
So if I'm understanding correctly here: don't let her feel like she ever completely has you so that means to pull back on some occasions and create some distance, and when she starts to show that enthusiasm you're mentioning reward her with love so that it doesn't turn into neediness?
My question is, at the time we do see each other often and hang out occasionally. When I do start to pull back and create distance should I provide some explanation as to why in advance so it doesn't seem like I'm avoiding her like perhaps say "oh I'm really busy today so I'll see you later baby"(either in text or in person). Or should it just happen naturally? Because while I'm willing to create some separation between us, I feel like the sudden shift in attitude/dynamic will cause her to panic.
Thank you once again.
I don't think it's healthy to look at it as a constant battle between you. It doesn't help to be constantly pulling and pushing in a relationship, unless you like drama. If she doesn't give you any reason to pull back, don't pull back. If she does something good, give her some positive feedback and reward. But that doesn't mean you should feel compelled to move things forward either.
In an ideal world, a girl is always content and patient with the relationship, and it progresses forward at a natural rate. Relationships must progress at some rate or otherwise they stagnate, and the guy becomes bored and/or the woman gets frustrated, there are some good articles talking about this on Girls Chase. But as they say it is the woman's imperative to be applying pressure for things to move forward, and your imperative as a man to want to be free. That means that naturally she should be pushing harder than the relationship is moving forward, this is normal and good, because she will be making herself attractive, being compliant, etc in order to grease the wheels, trying to get it to go faster.
So essentially, all you have to do is entertain your natural inclination to avoid commitment, while strategically providing small amounts of it in response to her insistence, in order to improve the relationship and keep it on track. There's not a whole lot more to it than that.
The real mistake I believe that men make is when they start offering commitment as a way to appease a woman when she's behaving badly, or to ensure stability when they feel 'low value', or to secure a 'long term deposit' so he can sit back and get fat and lazy. This is not how women work. And there will always be a time during the early phases of a relationship where a guy has a weak ego due to some event or other and feels compelled to go and feed the horse in his stable to feel better about himself - but this ruins the horse.
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There's another thing that's relevant that I've come to strongly believe, which has been held up by my observations and experiences: in regards to being put in her place, a woman has more respect and excitement for a guy who is slow to react, but reacts very strongly and perhaps ruthlessly, than a guy who is always trying to react the right amount at the right time in an attempt to outmaneuver her.
Women fundamentally respect a man's ruthlessness and power, not his ability to out-game her (in the sense of tit for tat). Manipulation is a woman's game, she looks at him as a bit of a dumb but powerful beast and he looks at her as being wily but weak. This is normal and good, and gives everyone a chance to feel good about themselves and respect the other for what is not their strong suit.
In that sense, I think it is natural for a man to not want to play games, but to believe that he can simply dominate any situation, and to expect everyone else to know that. If that were the case, what benefit would he get from playing games? This is the ideal frame that a woman should have of you. It's better for a woman to think she could get away with something for a while, but then the shit would really hit the fan, than it is for her to be constantly getting the vague sense that a you are trying to maneuver her away from it.
The problem is that in this day and age guys don't assert themselves like that with women any more. They are afraid to do things like kicking a woman out of the house, cancelling big plans, ignoring her messages for a week, etc when she's not behaving herself. Even though this is exactly what he feels inclined to do and would find deeply satisfying - and incidentally is what would make her respect him at her core.
So while it's good to use intelligence and perception and frame control to manage a relationship, it's also good to paint yourself in her mind not as a game-playing guy but instead as the guy who is too busy to play games, but when he has to come and sort things out, nobody's going to have a great day.
It's always a balance - as my father likes to say, 'everything in moderation'. If a relationship is healthy, and you're steering it well, and her role is clear and fulfilling, there should be a minimum of any kind of drama or need for correction. But the most effective lessons are the ones that don't come very often, and are remembered well, not the ones that someone is always trying to teach and never quite getting the point across.
