How to ask but not ask about the girl's date time constraints (such as babysitter)?

[ThePhoenix]

It's important on a meet-up to find out the girl's logistics for the day, so you can plan a smooth pull or know if it's possible.

A particular case I'm concerned with is where a single mom has come out to meet, say, for coffee. Assuming she shows up without the kid, she's got someone taking care of the kid. If it's early enough on a weekday it could be school/daycare, so predictable hours. But otherwise: Maybe the kid is sleeping over with a friend (good!). Maybe the kid is with friends/family. Or maybe it's a babysitter. Especially in the latter case there could be a hard time constraint on her side.

It becomes important to know what time she has to be back, because that governs whether it's more strategic to try to pull to my place or instead invite myself to hers.

It's one thing to casually ask/assume, "managed to find a babysitter!" Or something like that, and probably she volunteers the overall situation. But that may not tell you more specifically when she has to be back.

"What time do you have to be back?" Is going to tell you the needed information, but to me it seems like a bit of a weak frame—like she is the one controlling the situation and you're the one vying for her time. I really, really don't like the feel of that, but I'm a bit lost as to how else to get that information or how to decide whether to try to pull to my place or hers.

Any ideas?

 

[D. Gately]

I think 'Is there a time I need to get you home?' is perfectly good and acceptable, whether its for a single mom, college student, or anyone who has work in the morning. Also, the framing is slightly better, makes it sound like you're in charge of making sure the date ends properly. Others may have a better phrasing but I've had no issues.

Plus, if she replies, 'No, I can stay out all night,' that's great info and probably a big IOI.

Conversely, you can go with false/real time constraint on your end. So if it's a Wed night, I"ll tell the girl I have to be leaving by X time, say 1130p, due to work. That way she intuitively knows if you're gonna bang, you'll need to find a spot by 10-1030 or so.
She won't be surprised to hear you ask her to go somewhere more private/come back to your place. No new girl wants to be invited to your apt at 11:18 for sex thinking she's gonna be kicked out by 11:29.

Another gambit if you're getting close to your [not her] exit time and things have heated up is the 'You're gonna make me late for work tomorrow...' and watch her reaction.

Every girl wants to know you'd rather have sex with her than a good night's sleep so if you get a positive reaction go right to the bedroom. And if you get a neutral response from her, you can act accordingly.

Curious to hear what others think in this spot.

 

[ThePhoenix]

I think 'Is there a time I need to get you home?' is perfectly good and acceptable ... Also, the framing is slightly better, makes it sound like you're in charge of making sure the date ends properly.

That does sound better. In my case though she's the one driving out so it doesn't quite work logically. I guess "Is there a time we need to get you home?" would mostly overcome the illogic, if slightly strange sounding...

Conversely, you can go with false/real time constraint on your end. So if it's a Wed night, I"ll tell the girl I have to be leaving by X time, say 1130p, due to work. That way she intuitively knows if you're gonna bang, you'll need to find a spot by 10-1030 or so.

I can see this work under the right conditions, but it does depend on her already logically thinking of the meet-up as leading to sex. For an afternoon coffee meet from a day game approach, unless you're really good she might not be at that point quite yet, and then the issue remains that her "need to get to the kid by" time might not leave time for a pull unless it's after she gets the kid, which changes how you have to play it.

 

[Will_V]

That does sound better. In my case though she's the one driving out so it doesn't quite work logically. I guess "Is there a time we need to get you home?" would mostly overcome the illogic, if slightly strange sounding...

@D. Gately's example is what I'd go for. And your variation is fine, or alternatively ask about the babysitter and go "I hope I can steal you for a few hours?"

It's not really about the words but the way you say it, as long as it's phrased in a way that is lighthearted and preferably shows some concern and understanding for what she's got going on, rather than just being a flat out question that implies that you're only worried about your own agenda.