Exes How to Be the Best Guy a Girl's Ever Dated -Question

moom

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Oct 4, 2021
Messages
300
In response to @Chase ‘s new article,

All of these make 100% sense. 1 Thing I felt was missing was how to identify if a girl is an alpha widow in the first place? I find with some girls if they really like you, they purposely won’t mention their ex so that they make you feel like you’re the only one for them, even though the ex may be on their mind quite a bit.

What are some signs I can use to screen to avoid staying with alpha widows?
 

Alpha13SC

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Sep 13, 2021
Messages
268
Although @Chase s article is very good, indeed, and descriptive, I would actually see things from a different perspective and that is:

Why would you care?

You should choose your girl based on her behavior towards you, while not caring about her sexual past in this manner. Not because it couldn t make sense or find something about her, but because you're an alpha as well. And that one doesn't care about her previous one. Too much overthink.

The one who invest less has the control. And thoughts like that is too much invest IMO.

Do you think if Jada would have been with Will, then with 2pac, the latter would actually give a fuck about the first one?
Because I know Will mention 2pac a few times.

Alpha13SC
 

moom

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Oct 4, 2021
Messages
300
Although @Chase s article is very good, indeed, and descriptive, I would actually see things from a different perspective and that is:

Why would you care?

You should choose your girl based on her behavior towards you, while not caring about her sexual past in this manner. Not because it couldn t make sense or find something about her, but because you're an alpha as well. And that one doesn't care about her previous one. Too much overthink.

The one who invest less has the control. And thoughts like that is too much invest IMO.

Do you think if Jada would have been with Will, then with 2pac, the latter would actually give a fuck about the first one?
Because I know Will mention 2pac a few times.

Alpha13SC
If anything it’s for competitive reasons and my desire as a man to fully own the mind, body, and soul of a woman I love.
 

moom

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Oct 4, 2021
Messages
300
I don't think that's how you'll win this competition.
It’s funny, I’ve won this competition now with two different women in the past, and both times I found myself firmly in the one-up position. I know I “alpha widowed” these two women because even years down the road after they’ve been with other men, I still find them pining over me.

Being one-up during when i was with the two girls made everything less pleasurable- sex (even though they were both hot), love (felt less in love), and quality time together.

Relationships are such a balancing act in their own, but if I’m going to make the effort in a relationship to lead it and maintain the balancing act, I need to know I’m the best she’s ever been with, even if it’s just to satiate the ego.
 

Alpha13SC

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Sep 13, 2021
Messages
268
It’s funny, I’ve won this competition now with two different women in the past, and both times I found myself firmly in the one-up position. I know I “alpha widowed” these two women because even years down the road after they’ve been with other men, I still find them pining over me.

Just to make myself clear. I was referring only at alpha widows. Because for the other girls, I don't see as a problem being the best ever, especially for the guys here on the forum.
 

Kaiderman

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jul 6, 2020
Messages
86
Although @Chase s article is very good, indeed, and descriptive, I would actually see things from a different perspective and that is:

Why would you care?

You should choose your girl based on her behavior towards you, while not caring about her sexual past in this manner. Not because it couldn t make sense or find something about her, but because you're an alpha as well. And that one doesn't care about her previous one. Too much overthink.

The one who invest less has the control. And thoughts like that is too much invest IMO.

Do you think if Jada would have been with Will, then with 2pac, the latter would actually give a fuck about the first one?
Because I know Will mention 2pac a few times.

Alpha13SC


He asks a fair question. As chase mentions in the article, an alpha widow will not be 100% into the relationship unless she sees you as the best she’s ever had.


OP is not asking about how to convert an alpha widow into your alpha widow, he’s asking for tips on how to screen out alpha widows in the first place. Its really about time efficiency
 

moom

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Oct 4, 2021
Messages
300
He asks a fair question. As chase mentions in the article, an alpha widow will not be 100% into the relationship unless she sees you as the best she’s ever had.


OP is not asking about how to convert an alpha widow into your alpha widow, he’s asking for tips on how to screen out alpha widows in the first place. Its really about time efficiency
Exactly, looking for signs after having already slept with her to screen for alpha widows.
 

uriel

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
1,031
Exactly, looking for signs after having already slept with her to screen for alpha widows.
- She will tend to mention his ex in his conversations a little too much.
- There are a little too many pictures of her ex in her social media.
- Her family/friends compare you with him a little too soon.
- She is still friends with the guy (not a problem if he was a quick fling, but if she dated him over a year… it’s just weird)
 

moom

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Oct 4, 2021
Messages
300
- She will tend to mention his ex in his conversations a little too much.
- There are a little too many pictures of her ex in her social media.
- Her family/friends compare you with him a little too soon.
- She is still friends with the guy (not a problem if he was a quick fling, but if she dated him over a year… it’s just weird)
Thanks for these, seem quite obvious but are there less obvious signs? Girls that pine over exes but purposely don’t mention them because they’re more self-aware or socially able
 

uriel

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
1,031
@moom… mhhh, good question.

I can’t think of any more subtle signal. These obsessed “alpha widows” are usually well adjusted girls so those kind of attachments will not be that evident.
It takes some time and knowing each other for them to show.
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
2,703
Location
South Florida
Although @Chase s article is very good, indeed, and descriptive, I would actually see things from a different perspective and that is:

Why would you care?

You should choose your girl based on her behavior towards you, while not caring about her sexual past in this manner. Not because it couldn t make sense or find something about her, but because you're an alpha as well. And that one doesn't care about her previous one. Too much overthink.

The one who invest less has the control. And thoughts like that is too much invest IMO.

Do you think if Jada would have been with Will, then with 2pac, the latter would actually give a fuck about the first one?
Because I know Will mention 2pac a few times.

Alpha13SC
Yeah, i have never worried about "alpha widow" or being the best she ever had or anything like that, i only used to worry about that when i was a beginner... chase meant well, but that is a total waste of time... the only thing you should be worried about is you becoming in all aspect better in all aspects for u.. if she gets to benefit from this good. Otherwise u end up being johny deph.
 

Just a Man

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Nov 12, 2021
Messages
71
This looks like high-investment stuff on both sides. Super-high. Sure, jump out of an airplane with her or go and cuddle lions and sharks, or whatever. But by and large this is not what you'll need or want to bang a girl, or to persuade her you're her best bang yet. That can all be done in your very own love nest.
 

uriel

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
1,031
I think “being the best man she has ever been with” is something to do with a woman you are vetting for lifetime partnership.
I loved the article.

At the same time, this is not something you need if you are looking to be the eternal bachelor or lay 100+ girls.
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
2,703
Location
South Florida
I think “being the best man she has ever been with” is something to do with a woman you are vetting for lifetime partnership.
I loved the article.

At the same time, this is not something you need if you are looking to be the eternal bachelor or lay 100+ girls.
Again worrying about this is failing a massive shit test, i dont understand, first you dont know this, is needy, and it. Makes you invest, like the poster that was obsessing i think moom on giving a girl a none clit orgasm... lifetime or not is such a silly indeavor, you should be the best cause you work on yourself for you, not cause you are hustling to be the best for her, again jhony deph.
 

Chase

Chieftan
Staff member
tribal-elder
Joined
Oct 9, 2012
Messages
4,464
IMO there’s no harm from inexperienced guys worrying a little too much and going a little too overboard trying to be super amazing boyfriends. Your first few relationships are for figuring your whole relationship game out… you’re going to overshoot, and then you correct.

After that you can be a lot more chill about things. Most of the stuff in that article you are going to do naturally without having to think about it if you’re good with girls and centered in yourself.

However, if you’re a young guy, insecure, inexperienced with long-term relationships, and constantly second-guessing himself, telling him “Don’t worry about relationship stuff… just be yourself” does not have the same utility as giving him actual tactics & strategies he can use.

If he overdoes it and invests way more and gets a little too hung up on her, well fine, but he was going to do that anyway. At least now he does it using tactics & strategies that work, rather than what he would’ve done on his own (a bunch of cheesy mainstream BS, some of which will work, some of which won’t, some of which is just terrible).

So if you ask me, much better for him to be doing the stuff in the article, but overdoing it and investing a bit too much, than leaving him out to dry by telling him “just be yourself” “just do what comes natural” is the better thing for him, which he does not know how to do, and is just going to lead to him overinvesting in the wrong things because he lacks the instinct or experiences to know what to do on his own.

Re: alpha widows:


@moom,

What are some signs I can use to screen to avoid staying with alpha widows?

Maybe I'll do an article on this.

The biggest tell for me though is any girl with a relationship where the man ended or precipitated it himself, not her ending it, and it is clear she still has strong emotions (whether positive or negative) tied to the guy.

She has unfinished business with him.


@Alpha13SC,

You should choose your girl based on her behavior towards you, while not caring about her sexual past in this manner. Not because it couldn t make sense or find something about her, but because you're an alpha as well. And that one doesn't care about her previous one. Too much overthink.

I will just say the way a woman treats you tells you NOTHING about this side of things.

There are women who are the biggest lovey-dovey sweethearts in the world whom you would NEVER suspect would do anything behind your back who if one of their beloved exes calls they will be over their spreading their legs for him and sucking him dry in a heartbeat, then back with you cooking you food, doting on you, and sucking YOU dry before you're ever the wiser.

I have known these girls and could tell you some stories that would make your head spin.

Likewise there are some real shrews out there who are semi-useless in a relationship, aside from looking good and being good lays, but are logical and moral and more masculine in their values and will almost never stray on you unless you REALLY piss them off or neglect them for a super long time.

If the way she treats you is all you're looking at, the only thing you know is how she is when she's with you, not how she is when she isn't.

The one who invest less has the control. And thoughts like that is too much invest IMO.

The overall investment principle of "he who's less invested is more in control", this is true.

Using that to conclude "I must not think about ways to increase my woman's investment in and devotion to the relationship, because to do so would constitute a greater investment of energy on my part into the relationship, thereby damaging my position" however is off target.

If you're already at the point where you don't need to think about this stuff, that's very good.

If a guy is still learning relationships, however, and he is worried about his woman's devotion, you can either give him productive things to do with that mental energy, or you can just tell him "don't stress it, bro! If you stop thinking, it'll all work out!" and he'll just go it alone and probably concoct a bunch of crazy half-baked ideas to increase her investment and blow the whole thing up instead.

Learning relationships is no different from learning approacing.

If a guy's dealing with approach anxiety, "you've got three seconds to approach. As soon as you see her, start moving your feet. If you don't know what else to say, then go in with one of your three standard openers and start talking" is typically a lot better advice than "don't worry about it, you're overthinking, just do what comes natural."

Do you think if Jada would have been with Will, then with 2pac, the latter would actually give a fuck about the first one?
Because I know Will mention 2pac a few times.

Alpha13SC

Is Will Smith an alpha?

tenor.gif


Imagine Pac getting in a twist because Jada had an ex like Will.

It'd never happen.

Now... WILL getting in a twist over PAC?

200w.webp



@Skills,

Otherwise u end up being johny deph.

Amber Heard's a borderline personality psycho who I will guarantee has almost certainly been alpha widowed multiple times before and who with 100% certainty love bombed the shit out of Depp in the early relationship and sucked him in with the best treatment he's ever had from a woman ever.

He had no idea what he was stepping into.

I bet if he read my article on girlfriends with borderline personality disorder and some stuff on giving a wide berth to alpha widowed chicks (and actually took the info to heart and didn't try to "well, this girl's different" it), he would not be in this clusterfuck situation he is in right now.

Live and learn though, eh? ;)

Chase
 

Will_V

Chieftan
Staff member
tribal-elder
Joined
Jan 24, 2021
Messages
743
I had a strange experience with alpha widowing or something similar.

So one day, after I'd broken up with my girlfriend, she still had my car (I was living on a boat and didn't have anywhere to keep it) and while it was parked somewhere, it got the shit rammed out of it by some drunk.

Being a fairly old car, the insurance company tried to have it written off but I knew from the pictures it was not too bad, and they were just trying to have it unceremoniously removed from existence since it wasn't worth fitting with brand spanking new parts.

They towed it to some graveyard somewhere and stalled me every time I asked to go and inspect it. But my ex who had some stuff still in it called them asking if she could get her stuff, and they were only too happy to let her come over. Bingo! There's my chance. I'll just tell them I'm getting her stuff and take a peek at everything.

She had arranged for her new bf to go and get the stuff, thinking I was going earlier and we wouldn't meet, but I got lost on the way and was late. So I arrived pretty annoyed and ready for a bit of a verbal scrap with the insurance place if they gave me any trouble.

Anyhoo, her bf arrives almost at the exact same time (apparently she had been panicking and trying to figure out how to reschedule things, at least that's what she told me .. ). I could see he was a fairly nice guy so I thought to myself "let's do this the right way, all's well that ends well" and so I tried to be polite and genial and do it like gentlemen.

Well, it was to no avail. It was like a fox trying to be nice to a rabbit. I could not get him to be comfortable (not that I was trying as if my life depended on it, since I was occupied with the car trouble). The best way to describe it is that he treated me like I'd fucked her yesterday while trying to pretend that it didn't matter. It was just one of those times when the subcommunication was out of control.

Anyway, since he was a nice guy he gave me a lift to the station, but it was so awkward in the car I almost wished I'd just taken the bus. He broke up with her a week or so later (apparently she ribbed him, he went crazy and insulted her badly - typical behaviour of a nice guy who has met a good reason to doubt everything about himself) and that was the end of that.

I felt a bit bad because I had wanted her to move on and get on with things (I know, leaving her my car wasn't a good way to start that off) so I reflected on it a bit. And then I realized he had somehow sensed that he was just orbiting around us both and that's what made him doubt himself. She was still locked in with me.

PS I bought the car from the insurance company and fixed it for nothing .. of course!

...

@Chase I was wondering if you had any input on whether it's good to run a relationship in such a way that if you broke up she'd be 'alpha widowed'. I definitely did lock her in pretty tight while she was with me, in various ways, getting her to do a bunch of things she normally wouldn't do with guys for instance. At the time I saw it as a sort of natural phenomenon, but I know that it was intentional on my part.

The question is, does every successful relationship (or at least one primed for success) need to be run in such a way that she's highly invested and psychologically 'locked in'? Or are there ways that a relationship can naturally succeed or fail on merit, without this?

The funny thing is that I'm not sure now if I would feel myself that a relationship was 'serious' without it running in such a way that if I ended it, she'd be effectively 'alpha widowed'. Is this just self-satisfaction on my part or a good instinct?

That said once a girl is broken up with me I don't try to keep her tied to me, I'm nice to her, I take a lot of responsibility for the failure of the relationship, and try to portray it as a natural incompatibility (which in this case it pretty much was). I'd prefer to be able to break up and know that she will be able to have perfectly functional relationships with any guy she chose, but perhaps reality doesn't work like that.
 

Just a Man

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Nov 12, 2021
Messages
71
The question is, does every successful relationship (or at least one primed for success) need to be run in such a way that she's highly invested and psychologically 'locked in'? Or are there ways that a relationship can naturally succeed or fail on merit, without this?

The funny thing is that I'm not sure now if I would feel myself that a relationship was 'serious' without it running in such a way that if I ended it, she'd be effectively 'alpha widowed'. Is this just self-satisfaction on my part or a good instinct?

That said once a girl is broken up with me I don't try to keep her tied to me, I'm nice to her, I take a lot of responsibility for the failure of the relationship, and try to portray it as a natural incompatibility (which in this case it pretty much was). I'd prefer to be able to break up and know that she will be able to have perfectly functional relationships with any guy she chose, but perhaps reality doesn't work like that.
IMO, relationships come in far too many flavours to make this a requirement. Ideally, relationships should be a positive part of both people's life journey, regardless of whether they last to the grave or not. Otherwise, what is the point, really? So I agree that it's best for her to able to move on to functional relationships with others; and by and large, girls are surprisingly resilient and pragmatic, even if can take a bit of time to "move on". (It's hardest if she believed in pre-packaged notions of "The One", and decided that that's you. I had this happen to me as a young man, and the break-up was horrendous.)

Currently, I'm fishing around for an NSA/FWB on the side of the main. But as I cannot offer exclusivity, and will be available inconsistently, I don't expect exclusivity on her part, or any of the deep emotional bonding that might go with that. So that would be a potentially successful relationship (and it could deserve to be called that) where I could not expect - and actually wouldn't want - her to be fully locked in. Otherwise, she'd potentially end up wanting to turn my life upside down.
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
2,703
Location
South Florida
guys i am going to say this, if you see what i wrote in "women are women series" you will understand why this alpha widow stuff is more of a male to male exaggeration, or any break up post...

Alpha widow only may be a problem in post break up stages, were the 2 partners or one of the partner not fully moved on.... Is more of silly fantasy, the dude a heard comming out with this is kj rollo tomasi.... we are all onitis widowers by the way, does this play a role at all in your current relationship guys...

One thing oubout the community is that everything gets overblowned.... The example of alpha widower of 2 pac is one of the most ridiculous shit i heard in my life, the dude is dead over 10 years... This is a failed understand on women psychic guys, again for me is ridiculous....

Most women you will date were or are alpha widowers, this is another silly concept, but anyways, you guys realize this yourself...

getting good at relationship, there are not short cuts, come down with massive relationship experience, just like anything else...
 

Chase

Chieftan
Staff member
tribal-elder
Joined
Oct 9, 2012
Messages
4,464
@Will_V,

That’s quite a story! Gotta pity the guy a bit.

I think for your first few relationships it’s pretty natural to try to lock girls in as tight as can be.

After that though hopefully you have matured enough that you aren’t going wild trying to find every which way to tie a woman to you and you can have a more relaxed relationship.

Another thing I will say — there are clearly certain personality types of woman that are much more vulnerable to becoming alpha widows than others. The two that always seem to fall prey to it IME are a.) the really romantic ones and b.) the really clueless ones who get attached to totally the wrong kinds of guys over and over again.


@Skills,

I don’t know anything about Rollo Tomassi but based on his website I just visited I was talking about this concept with guys 2 years before he was online, and knew about it pretty much all my life. It’s common sense… not sure how you wouldn’t know sometimes people get hung up on other people, sometimes for long/ridiculous stretches of time?

I will say if Rollo Tomassi coined the term “alpha widow”, hats off to him, KJ or not… I don’t like the term “alpha” the way the manosphere uses it, but “alpha widow” is hilarious…

As to your point about men… yes, it definitely happens to them too.

One of my students was a dude who had an ex-girlfriend he never got over… he hadn’t fallen in love in 10 years since they broke up. He’d shagged ~40 women, some of them quite hot, many with cool personalities, some of them he dated, but he just couldn’t get himself to feel anything for them; he said they just did not compare with her. I thought the thing was crazy… kept trying to sick him on girls I thought would break the spell, some of them he shagged and I’d think “He’s gotta fall for that girl, she’s so sweet and really hot” but nope. I have coached and talked to other guys in situations like this. SHB Widower? Dunno what you’d call that…

But yeah dude, people get hung up on stuff.

Some people never do. Some people do. It’s like cocaine. Some people can do it fine and never get hooked. Some people do it once and they will keep coming back to it and thinking about it and maybe relapsing for the rest of their lives; it will always stay with them. Cocaine triggers happiness feelings in the same part of the brain as love does, btw.


You wouldn’t date a former cokehead would you?

Don’t date alpha widows :D

Chase
 
Top