How to handle resentment towards a guy friend who betrayed me?

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Tool-Bearing Hominid
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I have a friend who is (or pretended to be) close to me. I started a business with him and I gave him a business plan and spilled all the ideas of the business and gave him leads to everything that will help our business. After a week or so he saw the potential for the business to grow and became greedy and started picking differences in my involvement in the business and made it hard for us to work together. So, I backed off from the business seeing that he would've made it worse in the future. Now he is running the business on his own. I'm upset with myself for not seeing his ulterior motive and I'm unable to get it off my mind. He keeps in touch like nothing happened. I feel a lot of resentment towards him. How do I deal with my feelings of being betrayed and how do I deal with him?
 
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Will_V

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I have a friend who is (or pretended to be) close to me. I started a business with him and I gave him a business plan and spilled all the ideas of the business and gave him leads to everything that will help our business. After a week or so he saw the potential for the business to grow and became greedy and started picking differences in my involvement in the business and made it hard for us to work together. So, I backed off from the business seeing that he would've made it worse in the future. Now he is running the business on his own. I'm upset with myself for not seeing his ulterior motive and I'm unable to get it off my mind. He keeps in touch like nothing happened. I feel a lot of resentment towards him. How do I deal with my feelings of being betrayed and how do I deal with him?

I'm not clear on why you backed off? Were you trying to give him space to do his job? And how exactly did that transition to him running the entire business on his own?

Obviously this is not someone you can trust. But it sounds like you also failed to lead him and secure what was yours, putting yourself in a very compromising position. This is probably the source of your resentment - knowing you have weaknesses that you don't know how to deal with - rather than the guy himself.

When the stakes are high, such as when money or women are involved, what would normally just be a bit of butting heads can become full on aggression, if one party doesn't know how to assert themselves correctly.

It sounds like you did not establish a pecking order (there is only one captain on a ship), allocate responsibilities and rewards clearly, and protect yourself and your IP with at least enough red tape to make him think twice about trying to take over.
 

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Tool-Bearing Hominid
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I'm not clear on why you backed off? Were you trying to give him space to do his job? And how exactly did that transition to him running the entire business on his own?

Obviously this is not someone you can trust. But it sounds like you also failed to lead him and secure what was yours, putting yourself in a very compromising position. This is probably the source of your resentment - knowing you have weaknesses that you don't know how to deal with - rather than the guy himself.

When the stakes are high, such as when money or women are involved, what would normally just be a bit of butting heads can become full on aggression, if one party doesn't know how to assert themselves correctly.

It sounds like you did not establish a pecking order (there is only one captain on a ship), allocate responsibilities and rewards clearly, and protect yourself and your IP with at least enough red tape to make him think twice about trying to take over.
Our initial agreement was that I'll contribute whatever time I can into the business since I do a full time job and I didn't want us to stress ourselves to make a lot of money and told him that we can progress at our own pace. However, he started calling me during work hours to discuss when obviously it was not necessary and he could've waited until I got free. This happened a few times and he started complaining that it's not going to work if I'm not able to contribute my time actively. He runs other businesses and he doesn't have a full time job, he can do things whenever he wants unlike me. It was also the reason I was not willing to start a business on my own since I couldn't dedicate 100% time and effort and joined hands with him. When I backed off, I actually thought he was right in saying that we need to put in a lot of effort and he has more business knowledge than me and so I backed off since I wasn't able to contribute my time. He happily agreed when I backed off and it was strange to me that he agreed so easily while he wanted both us to put in a lot of effort.

Anyway, we had created a common mail account for our communication with the suppliers and he hadn't realised that he has to change the password and stop me from accessing it. After a couple of days I logged into see that he was already communicating with the suppliers and already implemented all the advises that I had given him which he refused to accept when I offered him. Then I realised that he started complaining so that I'll back off and he can run the business on his own which is not much effort and didn't want to share the profits with me.
 
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Rakehell

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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However, he started calling me during work hours to discuss when obviously it was not necessary and he could've waited until I got free. This happened a few times and he started complaining that it's not going to work if I'm not able to contribute my time actively. He runs other businesses and he doesn't have a full time job, he can do things whenever he wants unlike me. It was also the reason I was not willing to start a business on my own since I couldn't dedicate 100% time and effort and joined hands with him. When I backed off, I actually thought he was right in saying that we need to put in a lot of effort and he has more business knowledge than me and so I backed off since I wasn't able to contribute my time. He happily agreed when I backed off and it was strange to me that he agreed so easily while he wanted both us to put in a lot of effort.
I understand how him calling you and pressuring you during work probably annoyed you and made you question whether or not you were capable of running a business. I also understand how since he owns other businesses you felt as though he probably knew best in the situation so you may have relented to his “better judgement”.

But I think its possible that he may have manipulated you into doing everything on his own terms. Regardless of what would have been optimal for the business to run smoothly you were putting in the time that you could. I think you should have been adamant on that and I wish you hadn’t of been so quick to relent. I also think you should of had some type of contractional agreement friends or not.

If you can find a way back in I say do it, with some type of ink on paper and clear expectations on your contribution and his.

I.e since you’re forced to spend less time you can cover more of the expenses while he does more of the managerial work.

I don’t think you should burn bridges with the guy since you were the one that decided to leave in my opinion.
 
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Tool-Bearing Hominid
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I understand how him calling you and pressuring you during work probably annoyed you and made you question whether or not you were capable of running a business. I also understand how since he owns other businesses you felt as though he probably knew best in the situation so you may have relented to his “better judgement”.

But I think its possible that he may have manipulated you into doing everything on his own terms. Regardless of what would have been optimal for the business to run smoothly you were putting in the time that you could. I think you should have been adamant on that and I wish you hadn’t of been so quick to relent. I also think you should of had some type of contractional agreement friends or not.

If you can find a way back in I say do it, with some type of ink on paper and clear expectations on your contribution and his.

I.e since you’re forced to spend less time you can cover more of the expenses while he does more of the managerial work.

I don’t think you should burn bridges with the guy since you were the one that decided to leave in my opinion.
"I.e since you’re forced to spend less time you can cover more of the expenses while he does more of the managerial work."
This is also what we had agreed verbally.

"If you can find a way back in I say do it, with some type of ink on paper and clear expectations on your contribution and his."

It's not hard to do this cos he wants a lot from me besides business like life advices. I've helped him hook up a couple of times in the past and he almost sponsored visa for a girl just for her pussy and I saved him from doing that which could've cost him a lot in his life (that's a story for another day) and that's the reason he is trying to keep in touch with me although I'm avoiding him but seeing how manipulative and greedy he can be, it'd have been like walking on eggshells running the business with him cos there's always something that won't be on paper and he could find that loophole. In a way I'm glad I didn't go too far cos I'm very sure it wouldn't have ended well

If only I knew how, I would like to teach him a lesson that he doesn't do this with anyone else again in his life
 
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Will_V

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You are way too agreeable and accomodating my friend.

Our initial agreement was that I'll contribute whatever time I can into the business since I do a full time job and I didn't want us to stress ourselves to make a lot of money and told him that we can progress at our own pace.

Look at this:

1. "I'll contribute whatever time I can" if you have no clearly defined deliverables and schedule, how can he follow you lead? You have no lead, you might as well have said "it's your show, I'll tag along."

2. "I didn't want us to stress ourselves" already worrying about asking too much when things hadn't even started. The more you ask of people, the more occupied they are with the objectives that stem from your frame, the more loyal they are.

However, he started calling me during work hours to discuss when obviously it was not necessary and he could've waited until I got free.

This was him saying "buddy you run a weak show, I'm going to turn around and put pressure on you, and there's nothing you can do back because you are not setting any example". This happens with women, children, dogs, and of course, men.

This happened a few times and he started complaining that it's not going to work if I'm not able to contribute my time actively. He runs other businesses and he doesn't have a full time job, he can do things whenever he wants unlike me. It was also the reason I was not willing to start a business on my own since I couldn't dedicate 100% time and effort and joined hands with him.

OK so he's already experienced, and you needed him more than he needed you. Why should he take orders from you?

When I backed off, I actually thought he was right in saying that we need to put in a lot of effort and he has more business knowledge than me and so I backed off since I wasn't able to contribute my time. He happily agreed when I backed off and it was strange to me that he agreed so easily while he wanted both us to put in a lot of effort.

Nothing comes for free. Right now he has more experience, is putting more effort into the business, and you are retreating from the business even further. There is nothing to remind him that you started it or that anything belongs to you.

Anyway, we had created a common mail account for our communication with the suppliers and he hadn't realised that he has to change the password and stop me from accessing it. After a couple of days I logged into see that he was already communicating with the suppliers and already implemented all the advises that I had given him which he refused to accept when I offered him. Then I realised that he started complaining so that I'll back off and he can run the business on his own which is not much effort and didn't want to share the profits with me.

In the end, you have no substance to any claim on the business, since he is running it, building it, giving you orders, and you are doing virtually nothing.

In this world, laying claim to something is not as simple as being protected by some kind of morality, laying claim is protected by willingness to fight for it. If a girl belonged to you, but another guy was banging her, taking her on adventures, and training her to be a good girl, everyone's going to start to wonder on what basis she belongs to you to begin with. Wouldn't everything just be easier and clearer if he took her as his girlfriend?

A business is like a woman, you have to be territorial, keep reminding guys that she's yours to do with as you will, there is no questioning you, your decisions are final, and if they have a problem there's going to be trouble. You have to have a rock solid frame that you and the business are one and the same, and they are working for you and not the other way around. And you have to treat whatever work they put in as precisely what is expected of someone in their position, a position beneath you.

If they are good at what they do, they will demand plenty of compensation, but that's just the way it goes - unless you want to end up as their secretary.
 

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Tool-Bearing Hominid
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You are way too agreeable and accomodating my friend.



Look at this:

1. "I'll contribute whatever time I can" if you have no clearly defined deliverables and schedule, how can he follow you lead? You have no lead, you might as well have said "it's your show, I'll tag along."

2. "I didn't want us to stress ourselves" already worrying about asking too much when things hadn't even started. The more you ask of people, the more occupied they are with the objectives that stem from your frame, the more loyal they are.



This was him saying "buddy you run a weak show, I'm going to turn around and put pressure on you, and there's nothing you can do back because you are not setting any example". This happens with women, children, dogs, and of course, men.



OK so he's already experienced, and you needed him more than he needed you. Why should he take orders from you?



Nothing comes for free. Right now he has more experience, is putting more effort into the business, and you are retreating from the business even further. There is nothing to remind him that you started it or that anything belongs to you.



In the end, you have no substance to any claim on the business, since he is running it, building it, giving you orders, and you are doing virtually nothing.

In this world, laying claim to something is not as simple as being protected by some kind of morality, laying claim is protected by willingness to fight for it. If a girl belonged to you, but another guy was banging her, taking her on adventures, and training her to be a good girl, everyone's going to start to wonder on what basis she belongs to you to begin with. Wouldn't everything just be easier and clearer if he took her as his girlfriend?

A business is like a woman, you have to be territorial, keep reminding guys that she's yours to do with as you will, there is no questioning you, your decisions are final, and if they have a problem there's going to be trouble. You have to have a rock solid frame that you and the business are one and the same, and they are working for you and not the other way around. And you have to treat whatever work they put in as precisely what is expected of someone in their position, a position beneath you.

If they are good at what they do, they will demand plenty of compensation, but that's just the way it goes - unless you want to end up as their secretary.
Agreed.

If he's putting in more effort, obviously he'll claim more stakes. I don't have a problem with that

My only problem is, he became greedy overnight when he realised that the business has potential for growth and not before

I get your rationale behind everything you're saying and if that implies,"don't trust anybody", I'll end up lonely and if you're saying that's the only way, then there is no point in discussing anymore. But if you think I still could've been assertive knowing what kind of person he is and the situation, I'm all ears for that
 

Will_V

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Agreed.

If he's putting in more effort, obviously he'll claim more stakes. I don't have a problem with that

You should have a problem with that. Because the more stakes he has, the more negotiating power he has to determine everything else about the business (including what part you should have going forward).

Nobody should ever have more stakes in your business than you, and everyone should know it.

My only problem is, he became greedy overnight when he realised that the business has potential for growth and not before

What do you expect? It's not necessarily that he became more greedy, but became more interested in a business which he already virtually owned. He saw opportunity and became impatient, and evaluated you as being too weak and slow to turn that opportunity into results.

I get your rationale behind everything you're saying and if that implies,"don't trust anybody", I'll end up lonely and if you're saying that's the only way, then there is no point in discussing anymore. But if you think I still could've been assertive knowing what kind of person he is and the situation, I'm all ears for that

It's one thing to trust or not to trust. But you did not set a frame in which you were the boss, regardless of who did what. So your trust was not contained by your frame.

Nobody is 100% trustworthy, ever. Good relationships must be managed so that temptation is kept at a minimum, and so that everyone suspects that it would not be in their best interests to attempt a coup. Trust is something that is earned, not given - it is something that is meted out slowly, evaluated often, and any sign of taking advantage swiftly and decisively dealt with. That way people are trained such that any rebellious thoughts are so deeply buried they don't even know they are there. But a leader always knows that they are somewhere down there, and will come out if circumstances permit.
 

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Tool-Bearing Hominid
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You should have a problem with that. Because the more stakes he has, the more negotiating power he has to determine everything else about the business (including what part you should have going forward).

Nobody should ever have more stakes in your business than you, and everyone should know it.



What do you expect? It's not necessarily that he became more greedy, but became more interested in a business which he already virtually owned. He saw opportunity and became impatient, and evaluated you as being too weak and slow to turn that opportunity into results.



It's one thing to trust or not to trust. But you did not set a frame in which you were the boss, regardless of who did what. So your trust was not contained by your frame.

Nobody is 100% trustworthy, ever. Good relationships must be managed so that temptation is kept at a minimum, and so that everyone suspects that it would not be in their best interests to attempt a coup. Trust is something that is earned, not given - it is something that is meted out slowly, evaluated often, and any sign of taking advantage swiftly and decisively dealt with. That way people are trained such that any rebellious thoughts are so deeply buried they don't even know they are there. But a leader always knows that they are somewhere down there, and will come out if circumstances permit.
"But you did not set a frame in which you were the boss"

I think I'm really missing something very important (in life). So, are you saying one should set a boss & subordinate frame even when dealing with friends? I'm really curious

"regardless of who did what"
Why would he see me as a boss even when he is doing more work?

BTW, why would anyone want to see me as a leader? I may have leadership qualities but I can't portray that with friends or with people who aren't getting anything from me and they're doing all the work. I would really like to know this
 

Will_V

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"But you did not set a frame in which you were the boss"

I think I'm really missing something very important (in life). So, are you saying one should set a boss & subordinate frame even when dealing with friends? I'm really curious

This is in the context of a business you started and presumably want to hold onto, not an ordinary friendship.

"regardless of who did what"
Why would he see me as a boss even when he is doing more work?

It was your idea, right? You're the visionary, you're the one who has a powerful vision, other people work on your idea but you created it, and it belongs to you.

Reinforce this. Especially if the guy might be working on it more than you, you need to get across that it will always belong to you. Frame it as though the idea itself is 75% of the value, and bringing it about it is only 25%. Ask him to keep you informed on progress, be a little bit impatient, and whenever there are decisions to be made, frame it as though you were the one to determine what should be done, even if all you did was accept what he proposed. Even if everything is going well, have small, insignificant things changed so that he knows you're the one running the show. Don't remind him all the time that he's doing more than you, but instead validate him for what you want him to see himself as. Push and pull - push back a little bit on something and then compliment something else.

Like I said, people who are good at what they do and know it will not be so easy to deal with, but that's just the way it is.

Personally, I would think twice about starting a business I had no time for though, it's just too easy for it to slip away, for excitement to die down, for people to become lazy or want to take over - and especially with more than two, it's easy for a slick talker to seize the frame with everyone else.

BTW, why would anyone want to see me as a leader? I may have leadership qualities but I can't portray that with friends or with people who aren't getting anything from me and they're doing all the work. I would really like to know this

It's not about whether they want to see you that way, but whether that's what you make them see (your frame). It's surprising what you can get away with when you validate someone properly and come in with a frame that is exciting to be part of and that predicts success for them.

When you do it subtly enough, it doesn't matter if it's your friend, girlfriend, your family, or anyone else. But in this case, it's not a even normal friendship, it's a business venture, and that changes everything.

...

Think of it like this: let's say you had a boat, and you invited your friends along on a trip. But you didn't want a circus, you wanted to keep everyone under control and maintain authority.

If you just start going around trying to tell everyone what to do and that you're the captain, everyone's going to resent you and get annoyed.

But what if you framed it a different way:

- This is my boat, it's my pride and joy, it means a lot for you to come and spend time on it. (It's valuable, it's mine, you are a lucky visitor).

- A boat can be dangerous, situations come up, so it's important everyone follows your directions always, so you can keep everyone safe. (Authority is mine, but not simply for my enjoyment, for the good of everyone).

- On a boat there's different tasks to do. Who wants X or Y task, who's good at this or that? (If a guy is physically strong, have him man the winch. If he's smart and careful, have him do the navigation. If he's someone who likes taking care of people, give him the job of preparing food. Find what people want to be validated on, and use it to reinforce them in a position that doesn't interfere with yours. The more occupied someone is, the more investment they are putting in, the more loyal, satisfied, and easy to validate they are.)

- Guys, we're the best team! We're going to have so much fun, and we can deal with any problems! This is going to be the highlight of the year! (Reinforce everything by framing it all as one big path to happiness, success and the satisfaction of belonging to an extraordinary team).

Now, as the captain, you might not even have a lot to do. Maybe you just have to go around making sure that everyone is doing their job, maintaining a warm, comfortable authority, making corrections and validations. But instead of having everyone fight you, they are eager to reinforce the frame you wanted from the very beginning.

Of course, if you can keep busy, pitching in and helping people here and there, taking over when things get tough and showing competence, being the first to perceive problems and the necessary solutions, and setting a constant example - it's going to be much easier to maintain this. But it isn't always necessary.
 
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