How to tell her she's overweight

[Energy]

Hello fellas,

My current GF has gain lots of weight recently. (Some call it "happy fat" ) I read that it's common for couple to do it but I made it a priority to stay in shape whatever happens. It's not the case for my gf although we are run together every Sunday morning. She even acknowledged it before I did but doesn't seems to do anything about it.

How can I tell her that she's letting herself go ?

Some info about the relationship if that matter:
- We don't see each other that much, except the weekend. Sometimes on Saturday and always the Sunday for cardio and running.
- We are together for 1 and a half year now.

 

[OldGuy]

One of my girlfriends had me join Weight Watchers with her. (We both lost weight.) We had a weekly date where we cooked a turkey breast while we were at the weekly meeting. Suggest you think you are putting some weight on and ask her to come with you to the meetings as a weekly date.

 

[Velasco]

Dump her. Life is too short to spend it with fat girlfriends

 

[Energy]

Dump her. Life is too short to spend it with fat girlfriends

I think this is a reponse similar to the going cold way when dealing with breakups

 

[Skills]

Hello fellas,

My current GF has gain lots of weight recently. (Some call it "happy fat" ) I read that it's common for couple to do it but I made it a priority to stay in shape whatever happens. It's not the case for my gf although we are run together every Sunday morning. She even acknowledged it before I did but doesn't seems to do anything about it.

How can I tell her that she's letting herself go ?

Some info about the relationship if that matter:
- We don't see each other that much, except the weekend. Sometimes on Saturday and always the Sunday for cardio and running.
- We are together for 1 and a half year now.

she can run all she wants if she is taking more calories than what she spend she will be fat...

Getting fat during the relationship is not acceptable, she needs guidance from someone that knows what he is doing and can make it easy for her... This is an skillset on itself...

 

[Atlas IV]

"Happy fat" lol

I'm so happy in this relationship that I decided to become lazy and less attractive! But we love each other so it's okay.

Relationship slow death. If she's becoming less attractive, she needs to be told so. If she doesn't make any changes, then she values the relationship less than her own sensory gratification and comfort.

 

[Energy]

Since the time I created this thread, she realized it herself so she decided to track what she eat. But she still believes in BS like "converting fat to muscle" and is not always disciplined with her diet.

I go to the gym regularly and she always told me that she likes the way I treat my body.
But I don't really know how to influence her. My initial way was to let my action speaks and inspire her but it does not seems to work.

Should I keep it that way or tell her directly instead ?

 

[Energy]

I think this is a reponse similar to the going cold way when dealing with breakups

I mean the "go-no contact", not the cold

 

[Chase]

@Energy,

Thin when single, fat when in a relationship says "I know I have to do this to catch a guy, but once I have him I can relax."

That's the mentality you need to target -- the "I can relax on XYZ once I'm with him." She needs to know she CANNOT relax on that.

The motivation when single is "I want to get." The motivation when attached is "I don't want to lose." Right now she does not have any fear that she will lose you, or at least any fear that her muffin top increases that risk any. Your job is to change that. Then to give guidance if necessary for slimming down.

Since she isn't getting it on her own, a few ways you can do that:

• When she compliments you on your body, tell her, "Hey, I'd appreciate if you wouldn't do that. Every time you compliment me on my body it really highlights your body and how much it isn't how it was when we got together. I miss the old you."
  
  
• If she complains about you not being close or affectionate enough, you tell her, "Honestly, I want to touch you more and be closer but I see that belly poking out and it kinda feels like touching an old person."
  
  
• If there's any kind of sexual disappointment, you just tell her, "I don't want to be mean, but it was a lot easier to get excited about the old you. As the weight goes on, the sexiness gets less and less. They actually had a study where the larger women's waists got, their desire stays the same, but arousal, lubrication, orgasm, and satisfaction all go down. Which makes sense for a lot of reasons." (link to the study)

If she says anything about "would you like me more if I weighed less?" you say "Yes" and if she says anything like "but you still love me like this too, right?" you say "I care about you as a person, but attractiveness-wise, I really miss the old you."

Then, and this is important, if she starts talking about how she is trying to exercise but it is hard or whatever, you tell her, "It is not about the exercise. It is about the food." Then you lead her into thinking about portion control, intermittent fasting, etc. Get her to download a calorie-counting app on her phone and stay on top of her entering every single thing she eats into it. Tell her you will work together with her to form a habit, and that it is hardest the first two weeks, then easier after that, and by 12 weeks it's so set she won't even need to think about it.

Read this article if you need help explaining how to slim down to her:

The Girls Chase Guide to Getting & Staying Slim

If you want to slim down for good, lose the fad diet. Don't even exercise (not for this anyway). Instead, do this: cut your portions, and cut bad foods. We were talking over on the forum about how people in general have gotten a lot fatter. In fact it is to the point that people often do not...

www.girlschase.com

Avoid having her go down the gym-and-personal-trainer route. Personal trainers are basically "disaffected fat GF/wife fuckers", lol:

https://www.reddit.com/r/NSFWIAMA/comments/hpk08b
Chase

 

[Energy]

Thank you @Chase
So much info in one comment

she says anything like "but you still love me like this too, right?" you say "I care about you as a person, but attractiveness-wise, I really miss the old you."

How should I respond if she says something like "You don't love me as I am" or anything about protecting self-esteem and loving a person just the way they are ?

Get her to download a calorie-counting app on her phone and stay on top of her entering every single thing she eats into it.

I already showed her a calorie tracking app but it was too complicated so she gave up. I understand her since it was in english and we are not in an english speaking country. But I though that it was a first sign of her lacking any motivation to really lose weight.

 

[Atlas IV]

Avoid having her go down the gym-and-personal-trainer route. Personal trainers are basically "disaffected fat GF/wife fuckers", lol:

I’ve been a personal trainer for six years and have fucked two dozen married clients. AMA
by u/Forward_Fisherman in NSFWIAMA

Wow, that thread is wild.

Personal training who's fucking 18 married clients.

Four of which he knocked up.

Still fucking three of them. And I did knock two of them up again. The first client who I got pregnant was 2016, then I knocked her up the year after but she aborted, then last year she said she and hubby have decided for a second child. So she told me she wants me give her another because her husbands kid might look different to her first one. She gave birth again earlier this year.

A girl who I knocked up in 2018, she got impregnated last year and this year again, but she aborted twice. She and her husband don’t want a second child.

The other girl that had my baby, that was unexpected unlike the other two who asked for it, and this girl says she might want another one in the future lol. And she wasn’t actually married at the time though, just in a long term relationship until the pregnancy then they quickly went ahead with it.

If anyone thinks women are paragons of virtue and honesty, just point them to this thread lol

 

[Chase]

@Energy,

How should I respond if she says something like "You don't love me as I am" or anything about protecting self-esteem and loving a person just the way they are ?

"I 100% love you for who you are. I am also a lot less attracted to fat you than old you. These are two things, love and attraction. You can have attraction without love. You can love and attraction. And you can have love without attraction. It was better in the beginning when we had love and attraction, I think."

The line needs to be walked where she feels that you care about her as a person, but it's basically nearing friend zone levels.

She also needs to feel that in your opinion the relationship is getting worse and worse and falling apart.

(Because from her perspective, the relationship is GREAT! Got a hot guy with a hot bod, the relationship is serious, she gets to eat whatever she wants and "It doesn't matter because he loves me for me!" She needs the wake-up call that you definitely do not see things the way she does... Women in committed relationships are "progress first"; they want to feel that things are progressing and getting better. As soon as they feel that things are falling apart and getting worse, and that something they are doing is the cause, it tends to wake them up.)

Once she gets it you can then recalibrate to "I am still attracted to you [if you are]; you have a beautiful face and great tits [or whatever]. But the bigger you get, the farther my attraction drops. I wish I could control it and make myself wildly attracted to fat bodies but I can't. Just like how you keep complimenting me on my fit body, I have the opposite reaction to your fat body."

You need to drive the message home for her:

• I still love you as a person
• I wish I could be attracted to roly-poly you
• But just like how you are more attracted to me when I am in better shape, I am less attracted to you when you are in this sloppy shape. I want to help you change that and am willing to do whatever we need to do to get you into a shape where you are attractive again

For added points you can talk about how you care about her and you want her to live a long life and that fat is the #1 early death cause. Belly fat has a very high correlation with early mortality. Fat people get diabetes, heart attacks, cancer... it is basically the fast track to absurd levels of health issues. You want to keep her around a long time; you don't want to be burying her in her 50s. Etc.

I already showed her a calorie tracking app but it was too complicated so she gave up. I understand her since it was in english and we are not in an english speaking country. But I though that it was a first sign of her lacking any motivation to really lose weight.

You are going to have to sit down and go through it with her every time until it's intuitive for her.

It's like training a new employee, or a new student, or whatever. Sometimes you have to sit there with the person for 1-3 weeks and completely hold their hand as they do things until it clicks enough for them to do it on their own.

A bit annoying, but once they're fully familiarized with how to do it and what to do and the habit is in place, they can do it on their own after that with minimal maintenance by you.


@Atlas IV,

Wow, that thread is wild.

Personal training who's fucking 18 married clients.

Four of which he knocked up.



If anyone thinks women are paragons of virtue and honesty, just point them to this thread lol

Yeah.

You have to be aware of the various undercurrents in that thread, too:

1. These women are all fat
   
   
2. They go to the gym because the boyfriend/husband has stopped having sex with them as much or at all
   
   
3. They feel unattractive because the boyfriend/husband is treating them like a gross fatty, and think "If I exercise I can be sexy again"
   
   
4. They start working with a sexy personal trainer with a ripped physique who is ordering them around constantly telling them what to do, getting heaps of investment from them, serving as an authority figure over them
   
   
5. All this guy has to do is show a little attraction to them and they're like the fat girl being dangled a cupcake; they will gobble that right up
   
   
6. If it goes on long enough they are going to transfer their feelings to the trainer and view him as the man for them, and the boyfriend/husband as just the resource provider

This gives you the real wrinkle in dealing with a GF/wife who's gotten fat.

You are naturally going to be less attracted to her. You need to pull back interest as well so that she feels some pain, and you have to communicate to her that you are losing attraction to her, again, to give some pain, so she will be motivated to lose that fat.

But if you go too far with it, she can start fishing around for a fatty fucker who will rebuild her self-esteem for her with his attention and "fat girl satisfier" (i.e., his cock).

There's a real fine line to walk between "motivating her to lose weight when she isn't a self-starter on that" versus "tanking her validation so hard you open her up to being seduced."

(But like 70% of that is steering her away from getting hard into fitness / personal trainers, and getting her to focus instead on the food. Get her doing some calisthenics at home to reinforce the frame that she is into fitness now and speed up her metabolism a bit. You can do calisthenics together and make it a joint project, where you are her personal trainer, instead of outsourcing that to some horny fat girl fucker!)

Chase

 

[Energy]

An interesting thing from this thread is also the fact that this guy pretended to be gay and when the girl discovered it he says:

None of them were ever offended, it was actually the opposite, they were impressed and even proud that I was deceiving them just to get in their pants.

I don't know if the OP is BSing or is that also natural for a woman ?

 

[Chase]

An interesting thing from this thread is also the fact that this guy pretended to be gay and when the girl discovered it he says:


I don't know if the OP is BSing or is that also natural for a woman ?

Oh that's interesting. I didn't read the whole, entire thread and didn't see that comment.

But yeah, that tracks. It is not unheard of.

I had a wingman who did that to disarm girls.

He'd approach a really hot girl in a crowded nightclub and open her with, "Oh my God, you are SO beautiful!"

Then just as she was winding up to reject him, as she started to speak, he'd go, "Oh, no, no, no -- I'm GAY."

Then she'd say oh my God, I'm so sorry, haha I didn't realize.

He'd stand around bullshitting with her, drenching her in compliments like gay dudes do... later on he'd be grabbing her tits while talking about something related ("Your boobs are amazing... some girls' are all droopy, or they have dinner plate nipples... you don't have dinner plates, do you?")... all okay with the girl because she thought he was just this flamboyant gay guy. All the while she is getting more and more turned on, but not resisting because "he's gay so nothing will happen."

He'd end up with these girls back at his place, making out on the couch, taking their clothes off, and then they would go, "Wait -- I thought you were gay???"

And he'd look a bit confused and go, "You know you're right -- I was!" then he'd laugh and continue escalating and they'd say no more about it.

The thing with women is it's all about the feelings.

If it feels right it doesn't really matter what you said or told her.

It can potentially complicate things in an LTR if you told her stuff that wasn't true at the start, since once you are in LTR territory things like "dependability" and "reliability" start coming into play -- but the personal trainer guy isn't going for that role. Neither was my buddy with his club seductions.

Chase

 

[Will_V]

I'm a big proponent of seeding ideas throughout a relationship, preemptively.

At some point early on you'll usually have some talk about dealbreakers, maybe after sex one day she'll be all curious about where your red lines are. I typically include cheating (even suspected), public insults, and being overweight there. I always illustrate it with the example of some dude who gets married and turns into a boring fat tv-watching loser with no ambition, because she immediately understands that one.

Also for example let's say you're walking in the park and you see two fat people walking along holding hands, and you 'wonder' in a kind of comedic way how they find eachother attractive or manage things in bed. Followed up with a statement like "I could never be attracted to someone who let themselves go like that, could you?"

It works well because in the opening phase of the relationship she's instinctively wanting to sync up with you in as many ways as possible, physically and psychologically, and she is very open to suggestion. Those messages stay with her and influence her far into the future.

When it comes to dealing with it I'd focus on diet like @Chase mentioned, which is the most important anyway, and then add joint activities (like walking trails, running, etc) always focusing on 'we're in a lifestyle together' over 'you need to change'. Personal training for me is a no-no in an ltr.

 

[Chase]

@Will_V,

I'm a big proponent of seeding ideas throughout a relationship, preemptively.

At some point early on you'll usually have some talk about dealbreakers, maybe after sex one day she'll be all curious about where your red lines are. I typically include cheating (even suspected), public insults, and being overweight there. I always illustrate it with the example of some dude who gets married and turns into a boring fat tv-watching loser with no ambition, because she immediately understands that one.

Also for example let's say you're walking in the park and you see two fat people walking along holding hands, and you 'wonder' in a kind of comedic way how they find eachother attractive or manage things in bed. Followed up with a statement like "I could never be attracted to someone who let themselves go like that, could you?"

It works well because in the opening phase of the relationship she's instinctively wanting to sync up with you in as many ways as possible, physically and psychologically, and she is very open to suggestion. Those messages stay with her and influence her far into the future.

When it comes to dealing with it I'd focus on diet like @Chase mentioned, which is the most important anyway, and then add joint activities (like walking trails, running, etc) always focusing on 'we're in a lifestyle together' over 'you need to change'. Personal training for me is a no-no in an ltr.

That's smart!

It's not perfectly preventative, because people delude themselves (e.g., "I'm sure he didn't really mean that. People mature as they get older. He'll love me for me. The Internet and all my girlfriends say so!").

But setting those expectations up front is a good call.

Should at least postpone any waistline expansion somewhat..!

Chase

 

[Lantern]

"Would you leave me if I get fat?"
"I would have to, sweetie."
- Patrice O'Neal

 

[OldGuy]

Oh that's interesting. I didn't read the whole, entire thread and didn't see that comment.

But yeah, that tracks. It is not unheard of.

I had a wingman who did that to disarm girls.

He'd approach a really hot girl in a crowded nightclub and open her with, "Oh my God, you are SO beautiful!"

Then just as she was winding up to reject him, as she started to speak, he'd go, "Oh, no, no, no -- I'm GAY."

Then she'd say oh my God, I'm so sorry, haha I didn't realize.

He'd stand around bullshitting with her, drenching her in compliments like gay dudes do... later on he'd be grabbing her tits while talking about something related ("Your boobs are amazing... some girls' are all droopy, or they have dinner plate nipples... you don't have dinner plates, do you?")... all okay with the girl because she thought he was just this flamboyant gay guy. All the while she is getting more and more turned on, but not resisting because "he's gay so nothing will happen."

He'd end up with these girls back at his place, making out on the couch, taking their clothes off, and then they would go, "Wait -- I thought you were gay???"

And he'd look a bit confused and go, "You know you're right -- I was!" then he'd laugh and continue escalating and they'd say no more about it.

The thing with women is it's all about the feelings.

If it feels right it doesn't really matter what you said or told her.

It can potentially complicate things in an LTR if you told her stuff that wasn't true at the start, since once you are in LTR territory things like "dependability" and "reliability" start coming into play -- but the personal trainer guy isn't going for that role. Neither was my buddy with his club seductions.

Chase

I heard of one guy in Hollywood who would tell women he had erectile disfunction and when he had them home it turned they were sexy enough to get him up!

 

[Will_V]

@Will_V,



That's smart!

It's not perfectly preventative, because people delude themselves (e.g., "I'm sure he didn't really mean that. People mature as they get older. He'll love me for me. The Internet and all my girlfriends say so!").

But setting those expectations up front is a good call.

Should at least postpone any waistline expansion somewhat..!

Chase

Yeah it's not failsafe, and I obviously can't measure the results, but it seems to work.

Sometimes she'll repeat back to me (in a kind of affectionate teasing way) things I've said months earlier and forgotten about, and I'll suddenly remember that I'd put it there as a frame at some point.

It has to be relevant to her and phrased in a memorable but not overbearing way, which I can usually find a way to do!