I'm fukt

[Skills]

i love reading your stuff dude but you think wayy too thoroughly and it clearly isn't helping you. I feel the same as you at times, like I should be getting outsized reward because of the outsized effort that i'm putting in in comparison to the average individual.

I think you need to travel, or commit your focus to a singular pursuit.

This happened... Right you sat there and read blocks of diahreeah of words....yes and I have a 20 inch cock..if you did i need to get a job at your company...

 

[S.S Can]

This happened... Right you sat there and read blocks of diahreeah of words....yes and I have a 20 inch cock..if you did i need to get a job at your company...

I really have read a lot of it

 

[archimedes]

i love reading your stuff dude but you think wayy too thoroughly and it clearly isn't helping you. I feel the same as you at times, like I should be getting outsized reward because of the outsized effort that i'm putting in in comparison to the average individual.

I think you need to travel, or commit your focus to a singular pursuit.

Well if you love reading my stuff that makes one of you and I love writing it I really do even though I also hate that it has been written


But the interesting thing is something you said. Outsized effort undersized reward. That's interesting and also over many years over many styles of being all I hope to think at least somewhat authentically but anyway yeah no that's great thank you for commenting. Unironically. When I'm ironic it'll be obvious I hope

 

[archimedes]

New entry. People actually read this it's funny. I'm really just speaking into the void. I know I sound like a whiny bitch and that makes me an immoral person because I don't suck it up.

I went to this bar just walking down the street in this small lakeside town and there's this girl ordering a drink and she was like my type and I was like I could maybe buy her a drink but she went to her boyfriend. Anyway it's weird that like it doesn't seem like there's a lot of available single women out there. I realized who I misjudged mystery and the indirect method. I thought it was some cowardly American thing whereas you could just go direct and get what you want but I realize that might be aspie of me but it's not even just about that it's not even just about you because I realized even if you meet her one-on-one and she likes you she's going to have to get approval from her friend group. That's her thing. And by winning the group first you alleviate her of that. It's only as I realize that women have this background thing that this makes so much more sense so I'm going to be more indirect and win the group first: win her peer group first for that reason alone. I think this is a missing key and God damn it I should have known about it years ago. It's where I was too smart for my own good. I got to see this Willie Nelson like guy playing Edmund Fitzgerald right on gitchi gami. That was pretty cool. Tomorrow I'm heading up to Canada a country I love

Earlier I went to this local brewery just to check it out in this beautiful woman hostess welcome to me but I just told her I was checking it out. Now this is purely a gripe all right I know I'm just being a curmudgeon but I'm tired of all this friendliness energy only existing when someone tries to sell you something. It's the front face of capitalism

Let me be clear the extent we live in the modern world I am a capitalist. I don't know what else there is to be that's worth anything to the extent one is plugged into the modern economy but I can still critique it and we also didn't evolve in the modern world post industrial revolution we evolved in much different situations so it just is annoying that they come out with big tits smiling at you fresh face on behalf of their institution or business. I want to be on the other side of the table. I want to own these businesses and whatever blah blah blah you know. But it's life

There's a lot I'm grateful for and what I've realized is you can't just be all gratitude

And what I realized is you can't just be all resentment

So I created the idea kind of modeled on prayer groups or whatever circles circle jerks where you each go around and say

Something you're grateful for

But also something you're resentful about

Who does that? Who thinks of that?

So yeah no I really do have a lot of gratitude and I really am blessed in a lot of ways but it doesn't end there there's also areas to work on areas that suck especially because things are as good as they are you know

Peace

 

[archimedes]

PS staying at this place this Airbnb just into the woods it's so quiet there. Silence has got to be part of my strategy going forward. Noise and distraction and push notifications and the endless sirens take their toll

The internet was down there but I don't need it. Silence is the internet. Holy shit. silence is sanity. Silence is sanity and helps you build strategy. Noise is sanity decomposition. Silence is sanity and I do take flow tanks once in a while but I got to take more but this is even better cuz it's all night long

Silence is amazing. I didn't miss the internet at all. I hardly even read even though I have gobs of books. Silence is where it's at.

I feel the weight on my lower body the pressure but I realized that is just one of two things. One either my back is not carrying its weight and so it has to be loaded onto my upper back and it felt like I was doing squats while I was laying down going to bed that's the emotional weight of it all but it's better there than lower in the body or the other thing it could be is you're on the wrong path or don't have the scaffolding you need but I know I need to assume more weight without grumbling and I need a better path and I need strategy for that so I need a lot of silence and coming together.

I realize that I made mistakes in the past and everybody does because of stupor. I think this city puts one in a stupor. I don't know how it's possible to avoid this completely. Donald Trump whatever you think of him as president and I don't think he's that great but he lived and worked in Manhattan in the center of it but he lived on a tower and he probably took helicopters everywhere so he was probably isolated and insulated.. so that doesn't count.

I realized the depth of stupor. The first night was purely heavenly with all the silence and the second night was decompression from the day's work but the silence was amazing in this has to be part of my life going forward. It is night and day everything is different. It was worth the $500 to come up here and I need more of it daily. I knew I hated noise but now I know how detrimental it is

I need more strategy in a way that only the self can give from within in the space of silence. A true artist respects the silence that serves as the foundation of creativity. A wise man once said that. Trumpet guy was actually correct lol. What I'm trying to say is I need the strategy now my mind already wants to generate when it's given the space to do so. Modern Life architecture which Woods of Ypress wrote a song about, doesn't lend itself to that but I need this more than any drug and I'm 99.9999% sure that most people take drugs when they cave and they cave when they're bombarded with one too many stimuli. Every angry Bird happens when there's just one too many stimulus. Silence is the best holy shit it is amazing at least it has been

I need more so I can intensify but I know that I need to go out there into the field and harvest and reap and hunt for wealth and woman but man to be able to go back to silence would be amazing it really would so that's now in my mental dreams embedded all throughout

 

[archimedes]

I think I know what the problem is. Not my problem in particular but everyone's problem.. unless you're talking one night stand rave seen or something and even then...

Women are creatures of network. I've kind of known this but I never said it that way. They are social creatures and I've done the best I think with aspie people (and liked them the best too) tall and mildly introverted and intelligent who didn't need to impress others and who wasn't immediately mistrustful

Women even them though are creatures of network in the modern age has actually seen the I think the collapse or the compression of The social Network or the family Network and they got that in church and when I really got in my results were amazing but I wasn't doing it insincerely and that valued my reputation highly and I kept a tight rain on my thoughts and attitude. In other words I tried to be pious and respectable while still being a man. Now I see that I can relax a little bit and play the dionysian if I ever go back as long as I have good optics. Not that I want to be a total hypocrite or a hypocrite at all but I sense a deeper truth

The book sex at dawn is exposing many myths that we've been living inside of to me and everyone is human and I want to unrepress people and leave them better off and whatever path gets there so be it

But in general the network is how things work in a man has to get in a network and then women like him. But how? That's the key. I'm not trying to hack inside of anything I'm just thinking in this dimension now. I always think about what would flip a switch in a woman's mind and that's what would. Winning her friends maybe or something like that but if you get her you also get her friends. That's how things have always gone isn't it. It's all the network. That's not the only thing to think about but that is what it is all about in the end. Success is getting her but also her network or a network that she is in. Being in the network is being enfranchised and being out of it is being disenfranchised. You can try charm a woman and you may give her feelings and you may even get her to trust you as an individual but her network is a big part of her mind and her reality I think and if you get the network you get everyone else in there too not that you can sleep with him but maybe but that's not what I mean you get the network even if you're just traveling through you can get the network at that level but it's hard getting a network and then on top of that maintaining your autonomy and sovereignty. I didn't realize it but I've always craved sovereignty and I have a lot of it although I'm working on getting more but I also love networks and I have to marry the two somehow and I don't have all the time in the world anymore it has to become harvest season otherwise my life is fucked. Proper fucked

 

[archimedes]

There's types of collapse. I think that everyone who stands and every system that stands maybe stands in the same way or maybe one of a few ways. There might be ways of collapses too

There's apologia, the spirit of apology or explanation where none is due

There's fear. There's feeling it in the loins

The Bible for all it's silliness is nonetheless a powerful book. It is a spellbook, only not where you learn spells but where the reader is put in a spell and sometimes a stupor and often riveted and rifled straight down a path. I'm aware that it is a big book a broad book. I didn't even mean to talk about this right now but let's go. Since I both stopped believing and needing to pretend I believe and after chat GPT came out I realized I could study new things in the Bible in new ways that I couldn't before. I can look into the arcane geopolitics of the Old testament and that's really what drives everything in many ways. Those are the clues. Those are the traces and I can learn about ancient Assyria for example but anyway the Bible mentions the loins. I guess that's the tie and I guess that's why I went on this detour

The loins are where deep emotions live and the Bible was not above talking of them. The lower back I mean the very low of the spine as well as the hip sockets on the side where the femurs connect I think these places store a lot of emotion and power and load and I don't think they're often felt by men

Slow is powerful. Fast is a Gambit. You hope they fall right away. Fast might be a numbers game but slow is a big game hunt

There are many ways to collapse in modernity. Too much noise is one and too much distraction. Too much loss of focus. I guess dopamine initiates the focus. Dopamine can sustain it. The problem is not and never was dopamine but maybe dopamine spikes. Who needs to spike? Who needs hard edges? Sure there can be rapid transitions but as a rule as a design feature so many times a day I don't know about that. What you need is dopamine glide not dopamine Spike.

Severance from oneself denial of oneself denial of one's desire tension between the desired and the approved.. or shear stress

Apologia is a big one though, explanation. Are we not men? What need is there to explain anything?

Optics, but are we not sovereigns, and when guests or travelers are we not silent and observant?

This is going to sound so cheesy but there might be a lot of Truth in that line by Walter if you will it it is no dream

Will begins at the very bottom at the base. Silence is sanity. Other people will other things, that are counter to what you will, or orthogonal. Systems emerge. We live in a post industrial society. Humanity is still feeling the effects of the industrial revolution and that's just the beginning but it's not the beginning it's the midpoint but it made us in its shaped us and our customs.

Domini cibum serviis non parant.

I'm learning Latin. That was a sentence in the book. Can figs come from a thistle or grapes from thorns?

Deferral is death, a form of death. There is a power of now. The body is the key. The world is a reflection of the will of many people. I'm not trying to riff Schopenhauer. I'm sure he's saying something else but I'm saying the structures of a society represent will of others or the echos of will. Align with all you can that is trivial. There's no point in friction. Pick your battles. Know where the fishing is fine. Be aligned with oneself unapologetically. When uncertain about something in life, don't run. Go slow. The gray areas and gated and gatekept places are often where the honey is. The bones (or tendons maybe or fascia, something down there) can vibrate. I remember one guy asked "are you afraid your dad will know you fuck chicks"?

That's a powerful question

Now i see, through theory, thought and lived experience that it was never taking. It was always mutual, symmetric, desired. The women love it and benefit. It's the socioeconomic system- the system - that hates it because it can't harvest energy and money, and because people lose face, and because misery loves company

It's funny i haven't gotten any in a while but at this exact moment i couldn't be less frustrated sexually, although i do have stores of grief and resentment. At this moment i am doing deep body work though and it is not frustrating. It is the opposite if there is such a word- anti frustration and i feel it in the hips, the femur sockets. It's 8am at a hotel and I'm about to drive to canada.

Women have to apologize too or they have the same constraints too lets call them.

Yesterday i watched last of the Mohicans. That was a good film. Hawkeye- Daniel Day Lewis' character was nice

What does a day, or a life have in store? It has something in store for everybody, no matter their level of embodiment, their level of will or intelligence or networking although results definitely vary. Nobody can know what's in store. I hate to be drifting. I kinda feel like driftwood right now because i don't know what to do and i hate that feeling. One has to know what one should do, should want, not just what one does want.

Constraints aren't always to be fighted. They are to be solved. Seen and solved. The waiting game is still part of the game in a way and sometimes the right thing to do is wait well, wait smart, don't let the time waiting go to waste.

The will of entities has been systematized, so that things often happen automatically and forcefully. Think irs tax man or whatever, think HR and think almost anything economics. Don't fight. People fight hard over money and money is freedom but it is just one axis- an important axis, a critical axis but just one axis.

The worst apologia is perhaps the apology for one's gift, one's greatness and that unprovoked. Resistance actually makes life easier. This is i think an inverted theory, an inversion of common sense. My dad was so bland and flat and conservative and also passive but he didn't give us anything to resist against or push against, nor Augustine, at least in the opening of his confessions. They sublimate. They bliss on god or whatever. I was ready for a fight or to wrestle.

Resistance, at the proper level at the proper time so as not to be overwhelming, that is a strengthener of will and identity it turns out. Take the same person and give them nothing to strike, to target, nothing directly to be angry about. That is what was done to me, maybe 22 years of my life and also tell them or hint of good things to automatically come (if you work hard etc). To be fair most of my friends got this, i had chances and times also changed in the meantime but none of this softness or abstraction helped and one falls through the cracks. That's how i identify myself. It is true. I am one who has for good or ill fallen through the cracks of social success, and there is of course a story. Many things "trained" me or reweighted my neurons and neural nets at one time or another if only seeing that different roads were possible.

One way to collapse or lose is to bleed oneself dry, and it doesn't take much, a little too much excitement .. but all of these things, or so many things have a common solution - be in the body..and slow down .. old bull

Skyscrapers. They are an amazing testament to not just man's engineering. I think that's the easy part. The impressive part to me is the capital accumulation and coordination and planning and forecasting and manifestation of that all by investors. I know it is largely a group affair but this is impressive to me- nay staggering. The days of building new ones might be past but i am looking for the equivalent in my life, not just in a material monetary sense but social successes or family or whatever. Everyone is always on about Alexander and the like but his father Phillip intrigues me at least as much, as does some other father man of history whose son was more famous. I don't remember who i am thinking of but i am sure it is a pattern.

What should one want? There are pressures just from being male, for instance or being single. When asking oneself what one should want one has to not limit oneself. See things, do things, be and become things, have things that are empowering. Wanting things and wanting things well is its own job. It is work too. There was a guy i knew about second hand whose job was to allocate millions of dollars annually to different causes, as the money was there. It is a struggle to find worthy causes, or it can be, and it is an art too.

Ps They call it transgression but maybe they're the ones who have overstepped and cramped human nature, to fit people in sn industrial age or post industrial age box. Nevertheless we can own that word. Safe transgression could be fun. Legal moral and ethical transgression of norms and expectations and such. Maybe that's the stuff of fantasy.

I almost made it last night with someone. Well maybe not almost in a physical sense but the chemistry was real.

Don't reify obstacles. I did that a lot. Don't look at the obstacles just like don't look down. Eyes on the prize as they say. I guess eye control is a thing. I have lost so much self control over my eyes and i looked at and listened to what people said. Even if i disagreed consciously, it was a loss of vibe. I failed the vibe check. Don't fail the vibe check. That is a way to collapse. Slow down. The body is a conpass and there is no rush. Rush is an error of modernity. It seems like i have unpacked it, modernity but i actually think i have only just started. Modernity encapsulates and encodes agriculture, the industrial revolution, the managerial revolution, the internet, cities etc. Oh yes it is not ever the only game though. It's becoming clear to me that there are parallel societies everywhere. Parallelism is the nature of the beast today. I heard about it in a native tribal sense. It exists in cities with classes and castes- don't say they don't exist.

There's not a lot of crossover. Most people i think stay in their layer, their "in-network". They date and marry that way. Some are liminal. Sometimes maybe the greatest passion happens between networks or layers, both for novelty/diversity and resistance/obstacle, which is often a factor of passion, according to Christopher Ryan.

Modernity exists and it pretty much encodes everything that has come before and come thusfar but there are also parallel systems. That seems to be how society is structured, how things emerge, like plywood or weave or something. Staying in your system may reduce the experience of felt pressure. Even people who break out i think just create or join new systems, for stability and maybe they reach their original goals or maybe stop short or shy but my back and spine still have capacity and i still haven't found what I'm looking for

 

[archimedes]

Its night in Canada. This is not gonna be just about dating or inner game or what you call it, words words. The label is not the thing anyway. This is gonna be about life, which is the space around which love happens. Space is everything and i guess i value sovereignty more than others and what you might find ironic a kind of privacy. This may be a personality thing and i think that is one thing i lacked especially in my high school years, sovereign space and dignitas.

I'm at a hostel now, in thunder bay area. Boring city but some good hikes around i guess, did some driving on pot-holey roads. Its what a jeep is made for. I love the feel the vibrations and the splash of water on the windshield

I don't like regress, who does? Securing victory in things is apparently not easy not i got some ideas

In my 9 years of owning and renting real estate I've never had this level of bullshit, having to carry 5 late tenants - of 23 total. Wtf is happening.

They are also disorganized communicators too, which adds load. I know the cause. 4 of them plus one not currently behind are at one of two buildings, lower income. The other shares a single bedroom with his girlfriend. He only owes 620/mo because she pays half. He got injured at whole foods, working at the deli and is getting workers comp. Da fuk. And its been two weeks. Good grief. He's the same guy that always wants to (and asks respectfully) to post political signs, as if some local or national politician is going to save them, or as if one sign is going to change the course - and they assume we are all aligned since we live in the same multi-family. Frankly i don't care a ton. This is his mind though. He owes the least and I'm the most confident I'll get it soon. The others are more substantive, and this on the heels of an acquisition after which i was going to slow down and recover and on the heels of 20k plumbing and bathroom remodel unexpected for which i still carry a significant balance, 14k. I'm owed 5k still for this month alone and about 4k more.

This has never been the case in real estate for me but these are low income people

Part of my stupidity and stupor growing up was even though I'm smart and even though i question narratives and am not pc by principle at all, i still often don't see or accept the obvious that other people have.

All five/six of these people are disorganized in their thinking and communication. One keeps promising me on hope but never gives firm dates. He's only a month behind. He has bad luck with his brother i guess who took the family money. He is owed from work i guess. He's a big muscular 50 year old. Why is he so weak? One short lady always texts long texts. I don't know what she's going on about. She texted today joyous and optimistic, about leads as if they were certainties. She wants me to share in her joy. Another, young one i like, and all of these three are actually decent people, lost his job when he was arguing with his boss about not having to work when electricity was out. Dude wtf. Suck it up

I'm tired of carrying their shit and not getting paid. And 4 more get paid through assistance. I always get paid on time and that is nice but it also tells me they are not capable of making it on their own. What happened? Did i suddenly become a slum lord, or a bum lord? That word has two meanings, one neutral and one negative. I'm not cheap or lazy. I take care of stuff. It's for my pride and peace of mind as well. Somehow now i gotta absorb the lateness and disfunction of 5 units of 23? What the hell happened? Btw Google Android doesn't let you delete YouTube on your own device or sign out without signing out of everything. I once had my phone searched at the Canadian border crossing. Nothing serious and i don't have anything serious to hide either but periodic phone hygiene is good. I hate having to even explain myself. But Google locks it down. Its insulting. Techno feudalism but whatever I'm the absorber for everyone

I'll handle it i guess. I'll get paid or I'll change them out. I think most will pay eventually. I didn't think i signed up for this but if i did at least i have the right to a truer model of reality, vis:

I never worshipped those with money or denigrated those without and i still don't. You can still be any type with or without but based on what I'm seeing as well as pure logic i must certainly and absolutely accept that

More people with lower income must have disfunction or disorganized thinking and communication, or low drive, work ethic etc. Statistically this has to be true. It doesn't mean if you are low income you don't work hard. You are absolutely whatever you are but statistically there has to be a clustering because hard work would pay off. So why am i single no kids haha what's my dysfunction lol

Maybe 70/30 or 65 35 healthy smooth tenants capable of logic, responsiveness, transparency, clarity among low income based on my experiences BUT 90/10 or higher mid income.

And another point equally worthy. Even if it was 80/20 or 90/10 good to bad low income the statistical fact remains i think that close to 100% of problematic disordered ones are low income. People like that don't tend to hold careers well i guess.

So it turns out, the upshot is that income and wealth, while not a determiner of character is a definite predictor

This is not politically correct and it goes against my egalitarian spirit. I have a hierarchical striving spirit in many ways and in other ways have always been egalitarian. I am hierarchical in my judgment of character because you don't know a person by money alone but maybe it turns out that is a predictor and you can use that- to go against what feel good moral videos like dhar mann say, but those are over the top and of course pay attention to all the qualities of a person

This matters to me. I have a tenant portfolio. When they win i win. When they lose i lose and i have to parent them or chase them. It's exhausting, i never had to do it before, and they blame trump and shit sometimes (low key)

I didn't know i was acquiring such a cursed portfolio. I'm parenting or being creditor to them all. Where is my family? Where are my kids where is my woman? Promises broken or pseudo promises, social contracts. Oh if i profess a faith, in a circumcising god but who changed his mind about it then maybr i can win exclusive monogamy with one- and I'm not knocking that. It is a path and i could and could have got a family. That is/was the best deal lately. I've always done the dual strategy which maybe fucks me, trying to get rich or financially independent self made and charismatic but also humble connected. I do well with aspie girls when i meet them, when there is contact and visibility. They get me

But i support others and don't have my own kingdom. Everything is always fucking deferral. No sex. Even if i wanted it, prostitution is illegal Insanely and seeking arrangements too expensive and insulting. I've been thinking philosophically about criminology. They criminalize and moralize cause they have small dicks I think - not that this is what I'm after

Unrelated or partially related positive news - one tenant, actually the 50 yo complains about window drafts. Last year we put plastic up. This year the heater hasn't kicked in yet but i discovered inner storm windows. Gonna try that, for him but that was actually something I found when looking for ways to noise insulate my own place. I'll do that when I'm back. Silence is sanity.. in an insane world living in a stupor, maybe necessarily so

I studied economics in college. How stupid was that. I am now studying economics as an object in itself, why it emerged when it did, what are its core assumptions and how does it actually fit into llfe. Not well I'll be honest. There is not much "wisdom of life" as Schopenhauer called it, for the individual person in economic theory. I think it's a product of the industrial revolution. We're living post IR, post managerial revolution - and see those idiot comedians, the grotesque - doing those HR parody songs with the one guy always thrusting his hips. Managerial revolution. And post wwii and cold war. I'm omitting later stuff, the attention economy and prior stuff here, religion, the roman empire, feudalism or even the ag revolution. Those former things, IR, managerial revolution and 20th century 3 wars, WW1, WW2 and cold, all trained us collectively. Economics also emerged in this era. It doesn't do much for living.

I was looking for a biography of the yale early economist Irving Fisher just to explore the roots of the field

I love math and i love systems thinking but the social sciences really do have Physics envy

Google that, even amazon that term. It's a thing. Equilibrium.

So i came across a Yale professor talking about interest theory. 14 year old video. Yale, elite, i expected him to have swag. The opposite. The extreme opposite. It would be insane for a healthy man to go there and submit his brain to this. He's doing all these calculations but he has no swag, he gets flustered, they're super nerdy but even then what if he's wrong, about a core assumption. His whole system collapses, his "theory" like smoke in the wind of reality.

Economics is largely a joke. I saw it in its probable useful sense as a way maybe to serve industrialists, to serve capital, like Taylorism perhaps.

I think the industrial revolution saw the worship of money, even among the poor. Kids. Wooow Henry Ford is a gagillionarre

Who cares (past a certain point). Its ones other qualities (that he likely possessed) but he only got it because of the time of humanity, during industrialization. So much is timing and he is one in multi millions like Edison but more power to them

I'm not moralizing but that is probably what economics arose to serve, among managerial elites or the bureaucratic class. There might also be "rent seeking" (ask chat gpt) or process inflation in the subject

I think about andrew tate or dan bilzerian. I think the healthy male instinct in some ways runs from economics or stupid economic theory (besides the basics of supply and demand) and even more generally from college and studiousness.

The problem is- i embrace that masculine side too - in my Jeep whatever, maybe not as high T as others but more than most, more than the locals but i also genuinely like to study, read and learn useful things and not as useful things like greek and latin and linear algebra and Caesars Gaulic campaigns and (not quantum) mechanics and so on.

Can't sleep. It's 132am. There was nothing like that little cabin up north - technically down south at the moment

I need to recreate that as much as possible!

It is just about as quiet here now and was yesterday at the hotel but there was more light, slightly more periodic although not bad noises or voices briefly and it is warmer here, and i have access to Internet. I need to recreate what i had before where i just fell asleep at 8 at dark (even though i could have kept the light on and read). I didn't need anything. I didn't need more words. The busier things get or the more signals and noise flying i noticed, the more i want to jump around with books and ideas not that I didn't read and study on my own time, inner drive at the cabin

I need a cabin! Just a little cabin but a quiet one. This is what i need, if i sell my listed property number 6, or just airbnb more, soundproof my room if possible or take more floats. A cabin would be the best. A little cabin is enough

Less sleep happens, much less sanity and much less strategy and depth and decompression. If sleep is good for health, even that alone is amazing. What drives semi insomnia now I wonder. I shall now inquire into that. I always sleep early camping. I almost never do, though sometimes do when emotional, at home. Usually the times i do when emotional, i don't even feel like taking my clothes off nit that might not be the same type of thing. I did just see crocodile Dundee for the first time. Him. And him vs the city guy. I get it. You can be in both worlds or you can be just country, just wild but i wouldn't want to be just city. And by City i even mean town, civilization. This trip made me see Duluth and even Grand Marais as Southern, and as beacons or outposts of civilization - vs raw and wild

I need to recreate or re-establish this. I want my sleep and strategic depth and sovereignty and will consolidation. Civilization is designed to resist and crush the will is it not - or that's what emerges

The silence and recovery helps me carry more load and i haven't even talked about my 9-5, all the times now i have do deal with pings and pop-ups, authentication and verification, optics, and for the actual work, more security dependency updates to keep it all running, the platform

I should have not stressed, fucked more women in my 20s, joined up with someone, taught other guys how to do the same (the idea here being girls and socializing as a career, being in it 24/7, singular not spread thin) but i didn't and i don't regret my path per se. I really do like myself and I'm proud what i accomplished almost no help from others or at least friends and family, but im frustrated, bitter, nervous about the outcome/results - kinda scared and offended and all. The misfortunes of virtue, right? The malheurs of virtu

I don't know but if i don't have girl/sex/love- and I'm still particular and a little discerning relative to the category i put her in, or pleasure in general like driving my Jeep (and I've already done rock climbing and skydiving- hundreds of jumps, not a one jump chump)

then it makes the other loads and issues more irritating or it can. I try not to hang onto stuff, onto emotions but if you're underfed, that's not hanging on. That's deprivation maybe. I don't know. You be the judge

 

[archimedes]

I remember watching the movie prefontaine growing up cuz I was on a cross country team and they watched that. I remember this one seen. It's interesting I just remember this now as I'm sleeping outside camping. It just came up, this old memory that I literally never ever think of but silence opens the mind

In the scene he was wrestling with his girl that he said he was going to marry.. and they wrestle and they get intimate

I'm not stupid you can't start the right away but at some point you have to get there but I'm not sure people get there anymore and I think in the Modern urban environment or even the rural environment today it seems like everything is a script. It's just that there's a lot that's gone that didn't used to be missing: natural touch natural Trust natural playfulness etc.

Actually I started reading this Kindle unlimited ebook earlier why sex matters. I only read a few pages and I don't usually read ebooks but why not. She's talking about Anhedonia

That's a concept I've heard of before but I haven't really studied it but it might be a Hallmark of our age. It's something I should look into

Anhedonia of whoever and anomie of Durkheim.

These are two concepts that probably don't get much air as they deserve

People say you need flow and I agree we do need flow in all sorts of ways. Being in the zone while working and flowing with someone else or vibing that is and we need cash flow and lead flow and deal flow. Flow matters but I wonder if flow is the newly necessary thing to compensate for the stress and density of urban environments. I wonder if in place of flow what people needed in the past was simply rhythm.

Van Morrison plays on his own rhythm. Listen to "listen to The Lion". He's not trying to match society's rhythm

So yeah there's that. I just had the memory of prefontaine wrestling with his girl and just now I remembered what brought up that wrestling. She was asking him why can't he let little kids beat him just so they feel confident and he said he can't and then he started wrestling her.

I think humans are particularly sexual (over most other animals) and I think that now because of what I read it in sex at dawn answer that explains a lot why everyone's always thinking about it but I think it's been largely captured. I think we're mating in captivity and I haven't read that book by the way but it's the human zoo I do have that book. Capture captivity captive attention captive audience I think these are the concepts at play.

Silence is sanity. Silence lowers autonomic vigilance. We live in the i.c.e. age. Not that ice age, the internal combustion engine age. It wasn't that long ago when there was horses 150 years or less in the streets were full of horses. I just was taking a drive by the river the other day on a Sunday feeling the bumps on my feet of my Jeep and I came across all these horses and I was like what's going on and it was the mounted patrol having a day and I got to go up and pet some horses and I realized just tonight that it was not much more than a hundred years ago that it was mostly horses on the streets and so people would always have a horse to pet and that might have been a grounding thing for people to do what they call stimming or what fills the role of stimming for autists or whatever.

In that wrestling scene she didn't have a guard she didn't have her guard up or if she did him wrestling her brought her guard down and his too. Isn't it true that everyone now has their guard up? Everyone's nervous system is in the state of vigilance which has cortisol or something I don't know Norepinephrine maybe. These are just things I hear things I'm told I'm not a biochemist.

Were there two roads and always two roads and is that why I failed? Not the only reason there are multiple and I know them I know plenty of them and I regret many of them if regret serves me at all but did I just spiritually struggle with the idea of taking the performative route for pickup or dating and opt for the Tarzan or the authenticity crocodile Dundee primal approach? I see now that you got to get her friends or that it helps you so much because not because it changes how she feels about you but because it lets her take her foot off the break because to use a car metaphor in this age but we would use a reigns metaphor in another age, you need to get her to step on the gas but also take her foot off the break and the brakes can be very powerful so the "indirect" approach is probably very powerful and important. It's not really the indirect approach because you're not an excuser. What it is is you understand her psychology and her need to attain consensus with her peer group which is her source of security and identity and connection. It's not that I was proud.. as much as naive, but anyway the two paths still exist: the performative one and the crocodile Dundee Mel Gibson one. One can always use little performative skill or acting skill but I never wanted to "commit" to that. I wanted to commit to being myself and becoming someone who was primally attractive.. and I kind of am when I have visibility in a group- and we evolved to be part of groups and when I can get girls to not feel I need to put on the brakes they're almost mine for the taking not always the ones I would choose but plenty of them that signal interest. That's what I wanted. The key is to create conditions without going crazy without going mad. My future will be largely about not going mad. Silence is sanity civilization is madness. Floating tanks aee a tool as is camping as is maybe finding somewhere else to move but now I'm just rambling

Civilization is madness but you can work with madness sometimes but be careful. Be careful that it doesn't affect you or infect you because then there is no way to win. I guess you can work with madness that is predictable but you can't work with it when you're not clear minded

 

[archimedes]

Women are amazing.

I don't contradict myself I never have not in the deepest way speaking truth. I really do hate it when women mistrust me and Men because it feels like they're withholding but I also understand they have to have their guard up but I also understand their minds have been poisoned because everybody's mind in western civilization has been poisoned by so many things including capitalism in some ways because it's not perfect or some form of it you know attention hijacking capitalism or whatever. Everybody's mind has been poisoned but I'm Loki buzzing because I helped some tenants who are for women but two of them were there one of them first and then another one came I helped them with their oven and it's not the dopamine of fixing something but it's the presence of being in their house which they made amazing which is a house I lived in for several years. They made it so nice and they're just so chill and feminine and I since this nurturing energy and it's like if they let you in their space it's amazing it's a good feeling. I need so little to get so high not that I'm high in out of control but I'm grounded. Or you know validated and grounded is more the feeling and it's hard to get grounded today and there's different ways we need to get grounded. That's the main problem with a lot of people today is they're unable to get grounded. Anyway when the other one came we were all through talking and if I listen more and say less and don't try to impress I always do better. I said a few things that were maybe a little too effortful. It's amazing how that closes things up and it was very minor but I still felt it and you just got to let them do the talking and let them leave the conversation. People say that man have to leave the conversation I don't know about that maybe if nobody's talking when you first getting to know them you have to leave if they're just standing there in a stupor but if they're already comfortable you have to let the situation lead but they made a nice job of the living room. In the whole house. And they were cute too especially one of them I know she has a boyfriend but I can still admire. God how did men and women get so separated? I think what women call the patriarchy and what other people call capitalism I think it's just the modern form of civilization that they're talking about or that they have in mind at some level which is a machine like thing which is a bureaucracy which is kind of oppressive it's noisy it doesn't deal in direct communication it deals in systems and morality policing and surveillance and all sorts of little stuff and you can get around it. The way to get around it as much as possible besides being financially free or whatever and eating well and ignoring their advice is socially is to go slow and look at people's micro expressions and just bring a different energy but it's easier said than done and I think in large part I need more time around these types of people but I don't get that much chance to have that much time to Matthew effect those who have will be given more but I'm trying to iron out all my what people call neediness but I just call it blurting out untrained self that maybe talks too much. Being welcome by woman is the best. All I want to do is have people's welcome and then find handyman and stuff I can rely on find people I can rely on. Those are simple things old-fashioned ideas and the only reason I had to go over there was cuz my handyman has been unreliable and if you was going to not be able to go there he could have told me. He didn't have to leave me on with the idea that he could but anyway I got to go over there finally real estate was kind of enjoyable but this was a middle income place. It wasn't one of my lower-income places which are always more stressful. Sometimes they're not stressful but they're never really enjoyable like this was.

I've had situations like this in real estate before. I enjoy renting to well-mannered women I enjoy well mannered women in general. Right now I'm just driving around listening to YouTube a deep thing on culture and religion and feeling the bumps of the car on the Jeep on my feet which feels good but I feel my hips my bones my femurs that's where the will lives and if you're going to face your will off against the culture well don't face off directly cuz you'll lose but you know you'll navigate the culture but you got to feel embodied. Sometimes you feel your pelvis when you expect to receive sometimes you feel your hips when you expect to have to go forward Sally fourth as they say but if someone or something can lock them up can tense them up and bind them can hobble them then your will is already defeated and that's what it's been feeling like in some ways. It's been feeling like my will is defeated by The noise by the mistrust by the distraction by all the yanking but it's a process. I tried to learn everyday and I try to grow and expand my consciousness but it's a process or there's no guarantees. I don't want to have to try that hard I want things to be natural. I want to have natural charisma. If I have to try do I really have charisma? I always wanted to work hard to be natural I guess although I never phrase it that way.. now I see it starts with the will which is in the body which is in the bones. And I see how words fucking words are the biggest manipulating things ever. Words and tones and glasses. Words like a sin or justification or STI or rude or anything even positive words can be distracting. They become embodied and they take away your own sense of embodiment cuz they put you in the head straight away so anyway that's what I was thinking about last night but you don't really own an idea and you're not really a master to you're in your body just in your bones I think anyway

 

[archimedes]

It's 4: 37am on a Thursday morning.

I'm still seeking the sovereign way. There's no other way.

My fucking rental properties the last three I bought were low income old multi families.

They make me be a parent to them both building wise and tenant wise. They make me indulge them and I'm tired of it on top of lack of reward. It's not the work I've done everything alone in life. I've had people in partners and helpers but only transactional and temporary. I have friends but no one to carry anything with me. I guess I would say so much is offensive to me on a deep level and I feel it in my body and my bones but I am more embodied than ever at the same time. I'm so fucking tired of some of my beards starting to go Gray and the side of my head because that's fucking evil. If it wasn't for that I'd look 25 or something maybe 30. I wouldn't mind gray hair and whatever because that's just vanity if I had a partner and family. Things can't happen before their time

But why did I get here? Looking back I've had a lot of opportunities but they've not closed. Am I a bad closer? I'm thinking about this

It seems like everything I read or have read about masculinity as well as my intuition says men need to learn how to be present. It's all about presence and so that's what I've worked on my whole life and I think I'm more present than ever but Chat gpt is telling me there's another side. They as women May sense my presence but it's a different deeper currency and we live in a transactional society. I'm giving openness and invitation but they want closure. They want narrative closure maybe a guy who busts a move. Last several people who I had on the couch which is a long time ago as we watched a movie I busted to move every time naturally organically easily. I probably haven't dumbed things down enough for what GPT and other sociologists have called Protestant industrial managerial culture. I think I'm hitting up against this in all areas of life. Forget about religion and theology, I realized that protestantism and Catholicism are cultural artifacts too and I think I'm more Catholic tradition and relationship based. See Max Weber Protestant ethic and spirit of capitalism, often reduced to the "Protestant work ethic". Anyway humans have been trained on so many things. We've been trained on civilization the empires religion the world wars the Cold war the managerial revolution the public education system hypermobility and now social media and the attention economy. I'm operating on a different level

I want to be present and give women the invitation to fall into me and respond. I mean that's my default. I want to bust a move as much as anyone but maybe this is a mismatch I wasn't seeing

I wonder about place because I remember being in Denver once skiing with my cousin and his friends and we went to a bar afterwards and there was this woman this cute blonde woman crawling on all fours in the bar and she wanted people to look at her. She was very hot it was very erotic and sexy and I kind of regret not being able to get her and have that. The charge was strong. I don't know what blocked me but I didn't see a path. I think I'm high voltage but shitty at creating circuits.

Well I talked to my sister tonight she's doing well everyone gossips about her as is to be expected but we resonate a lot and she loves Denver and she hates it up here so that just makes me wonder. I remember seeing three South Carolina girls in the elevator in Chicago and even though I only talked to them for a minute they had such manners and class and mer a South Carolina woman briefly several years ago at a coffee shop and it was the same vibe and so I want to go there and so place may matter. I'm going to Austin soon for an event and I'll be there for over a week. We'll see what that gives.

I'm laying here in bed trying to be fully open. I have energy anguish grief embodiment all happening at once. I don't want to move my spine or flinch for anybody. Like they saying that Mafia movie he doesn't move for anybody. To me it's like that but not just to play chicken. It's more like the less I move the more I can think with my whole body and I can't afford to move because I'm too poor. It's more like listening to my body and paying attention to the world at the same time. I need to let the world start giving. I need to start taking and receiving.

I just looked up the term sexual morality because I think that's used in the bible. I asked gpt about that. It started with morality being property in the Bible and blah blah blah but then it gets to Paul our bodies are temples of the holy spirit. That requires three assumptions which are weird. That the holy Spirit exists that our bodies are temples of them and that sex affects this relationship. Anyway libertarians I guess cuz I found a stack exchange post they don't view anything more about sex. They view it as morally neutral between adults but it provides opportunity for other things to happen. Basically if you don't deceive don't lie don't abuse don't assault but engaging consensual sex there's nothing inherently moral or immoral about sex. I mean this is kind of what a part of me always thought but people are always moralizing

That may not be my whole blocker but that might be in other people as well. There's also the idea of visibility. I'm getting less concerned with visibility but the women May care about that. Maybe I'm asking a lot to ask them to be present and respond. And some actually do or have done so. I always need enough time if I'm going to make it real. Other guys give quick closure in this transactional culture. If they were willing to give me sex right away I would probably take it but they expect me to lauch maybe. I've maybe just needed to take more here at least. It might be simple as that but it's a little scary but even more than that timing is hard because timing has never been my strong suit -- and of course there's a price for getting it wrong but I don't think the price is that high if you take a hand. I think we're allowed to a large extent to do something that might be unwanted as long as we respond to the follow-up feedback. They'll just say something like no I'm not feeling this or whatever. Maybe I catastrophize. I'm not really part of a church right now but a worship leader that one of them has stepped down because I guess his wife was having an affair and I guess the other guy preyed on her vulnerability over a period and they confessed it all. What happened is horrible for him in the situation he's in with a loving wife but I noticed in his language their catastrophizing everything. I'm not saying it's good I'm not saying I would have wanted that I can't imagine what he's going through but they used moral language and theological language and I've just come off reading sex at dawn or at least the first half of it and there's a lot of catastrophization which I think modern culture trains people in. I think I've catastrophized thinhs or blown things up blown the risk up. At one period in my early twenties when I was traveling and so on I could launch more like launch into a kiss and stuff with little to go on. Maybe I need that back. I've become a respectable man and in some ways maybe formidable and I have things to lose but maybe I still need this I need to Rediscover this I don't know. I would always respect the feedback right afterward. There's probably a communication or expectation gap. And maybe it's a pride thing too. I don't think anything is any one thing I think everything is a combination of things morality risk pride. If I wait for them to fall into me by my presence kind of being like the straight man so to speak there's a lot of benefit from that. It's not just safety but it's also hot and it says a lot about me and all that girls chase stuff so there's a huge upside even if I had no fear so everything is multifaceted but I know shit ain't working

Things kind of work. For some reason I get my fans. It's not just when there's a lot of visibility in a community. That's when I got a lot and it was like popcorn- I either get a lot or nothing and I'm sure you guys are familiar with the experience but sometimes I get a random woman just totally into me. Erica. I regret her because she seemed really into me so quickly and she was tall. I did it for a year ago four dates. I don't know what happened. She was great she called the governor tampon Tim and she was into carnivore dude she was like perfect she's in early 30s and she was saying she doesn't want to be a girl boss. I didn't know what that meant. I mean I knew what that meant but I didn't know the level. Jesus Christ I started working remotely and whenever I was near the u of m I saw how women were crushing it so networked and so on track and I think that's what she meant by girl boss. It's no fucking joke. This is the city that gave us Mary Tyler Moore. I thought she just meant she wanted to be a woman but there's a whole fucking girl bus industry and I think men are expected to be differential which is an inversion in many ways so she was awesome

There was this other girl like five or six years ago that I was never that attracted to she was very mid even by me and I think the YouTuber Pearl is really cute but my younger friend says she's mid but to me this other girl was really mid and I didn't feel particularly attracted and she was short and not just plain but something else but anyway with just one dance or two at swing this is several years ago she just became a huge fan you could tell she was like nervous around me and she wanted me to close her. And I don't know where this came from this happened over two or three times. Maybe I should have for fun but look I'm not a bottom feeder and that sounds rude I'm not putting her down as a person I want more women like this but sometimes it happens and that's weird. Nothing is normal: why is it that sometimes a woman just for no reason gets totally into me but other times it seems like all or nothing every woman wants me or not are open to me? They seem like contradictions. In the first schema women are all different in some like you some don't. In the second schema they all move as one. People are complex

I feel so much compression on my pelvis. Tightness. that's where the spine meets the legs and that's where the will manifests. I'm realizing our culture is very in direct even in business and it relies on threats and paperwork more than actual enforcement mechanisms. This company claims I owe them $2,300 but they actually did negative work for me and they were so slow. All that money has to do with testing they did for preparation for the actual work I needed whereas other companies just did the work when they were available the following work week. It's highly inflated and I'm not paying it and I tried to negotiate I was willing to pay a few hundred even willing to go up to 500 if that's where we met but they didn't go below like 1,200 or something and so they went silent then I got this letter threatening to put a mechanic's lien on my place but I talked to chat GPT and I realized they don't have much option. If they do that it's not the same as other liens. I can still sell it. They have to foreclose or it goes away in a year and it cost them a lot to foreclosed as much maybe as they would collect and it doesn't really cloud the title like you think. And if it does I can put a bond up to an escrow and then it will still go away in a year. Our whole system is largely based on bureaucracy. There's a psychology of the bureaucrat. There's a psychology of bureaucracy. I always pay my workers I had to pay $20,000 for these bathroom repairs and renovations and i don't stiff people ever fwiw but I'm not going to pay these guys just for tests so they can start working which only increase my liability and they're no longer relevant anyway because there's new walls. I realize I chose this company wrongly with too little information and experience in these matters and largely because it was the weekend and there is a leak and the other people I tried were not available but I didn't even choose this Restoration company it was referred to by the first plumber that was available who looked good- and I think he would have been a good plumber I think he was honest. he was this Asian guy that was very understanding when he canceled but the company he referred to was an insurance-based company based multiple cities. Will they get the money from me or not? It remains to be seen but I'm not intimidated at least. I think they'll have to fight for it. It just goes to show like chat GPT has been telling me our system is based on forms and documents in an indirect way of doing thing, guilt and everything

I'm trying to be kind of a lord and not in the pretentious way but if you work for a company you're like a mercenary or a hiring. I'm trying to be sovereign responding to people's needs but I'm definitely out of sync with the modern world in some ways or I'm trying to live a level above it. I wish it would rise to my level but it's sunk to this. It has chosen to fall to managerialism and bureaucracy. I didn't choose it. I remember one time this last year my tabs expired because I had moved and I didn't get the notice. Even though I updated my address on my license I didn't update it on my car.. and i got in the strange loop. I fell through these cracks. Right away after getting the ticket I ordered new tabs online. Within an hour I took care of it but did it get taken care of? Those tabs never actually came. They would have come to my old address but I had tenants living there and they didn't see anything so what happened? Anyway while I was waiting I kept getting more tickets. I got three in total. After the second I went in to take care of it and they said you have to wait you already started it. One person said go to these kiosks you can get them instantly so I went but the machine said there was no open thing because I had already ordered them and paid up

So finally I went back after my third one and even the lady had to get a manager to approve. I was dependent on their Grace because their system sucks. Then I had to zoom hearing with this guy know this lady first and she dropped all but the last one and the reason she couldn't drop the last one was because I couldn't link them online because it wasn't showing up even though it was a few weeks old. Their system was lagging so I had to go back to this hearing with this other guy a month out and he started to moralize to meet. He needed proof that I got him on my car where's the other lady didn't he needed a picture and he needed to tell me all you got to do it like this dude I know I've been through what you can't imagine. He had to do his script and not just the boiler plate Miranda rights type stuff or stuff he needs to say but this was voluntary stuff. He treated me like a common idiot. He really should have known better. I actually had a hearing with him several months prior for a parking violation. It sounds like I'm always getting car violations but I'm not and when I do and deserve them I usually pay them but they was construction on the road near me and it was dark out last winter and so the side road by this place I used to go to half a mile from my house had gotten temporary pay parking which I usually know about but it was like after 5:00 and it was dark and it's free after 6:00 and since I was already inhabit of going there later it slipped my mind and there was a bunch of Open spaces but someone gave me a ticket but even if I wanted to pay it straight I couldn't because they got the wrong license plate by one letter though I know it was for me and I could have just let the lady get stuck with it but I looked this up and I think she was out of state. I didn't want her to get stung with something and I didn't want things to come back to me either so I created a hearing which I had to do. I guess I could have paid hers but then she would have had that on her record. Anyway I think he waved the thing or part of it but it's so ridiculous and bureaucratic. The lady I talked to when I got her was personable. Man I'm really phobic of doing the wrong thing now parking wise or tab wise because of the bureaucracy they put you through and I think this is what they train. This is so asinine. There's so much regulation in my spirit just wants to break through it but I can take load if I have love. It's where I don't get love and sex where the social contract breaks down and I feel betrayed and I feel restless and then my spine revolts and wants to be strong and big and open and the cycle goes on like this. I was up in North Minnesota north of the lake Superior and that's beautiful. I question why we're even in civilization. I heard the coyotes how. it was so quiet up there. Maybe it's just the Metro that sucks or maybe the Metro especially sucks but a little reward would really help the ratio of bullshit to pleasure. Of load the pleasure and it's when this ratio is messed up that a man goes crazy but I still haven't jerked off in a while and that energy goes somewhere. It's circulates. It observes. It doesn't go to waste. I feel tingles sometimes right at the sockets I think of the hips. My will is just waiting to release. My eyes are watchful even the their myopic as fuck and I wish I could change that without surgery. That's another way the will as well as the natural birth right is thwarted. There's not many things I'm missing and lacking or many ways in which I'm blocked but there's a few and they're critical ones

So I don't know what to do. I got to get some. I guess I'll go to swing cuz it's where the people are and I'll be out and about where I can. I think I need to linger more and slow down. I think that's when things happen at the end of events if you did show up at least by the middle and by slowing down. I went over to my tenant's house this house with four girls where I used to live and they made it so nice and they were so inviting. Two of them were there. It was just different energy. I went to look at the oven. It's a space you can really slow down in. You don't have to perform you just have to resonate and I felt like an idiot if I said something out of turn. They would talk and say things and they would ask me questions which I could answer but anytime I blurted something out I felt like an idiot. I didn't do anything that bad or egregious and I'm sure they love me but I can definitely see what the idea is which is perfect flow with people. I think reading people's micro expressions is the biggest.
how to read body language? I think the thing with body languages different things can have multiple meanings. Everything is ambiguous or contextual.. and it's very nature not to mention people can be bluffing or acting. I think the real key to focus on is just looking at people's micro expressions and not even to interpret them because the brain doesn't have time. I think just looking at them connects one at a deep level. It's all about noticing them and then you sync up I think. Then there's this connectivity. I just need more time with the right people in a space of trust and not always be rushed by the business world and shit like that and I need someone who's attractive to be single who likes me and then I can have this. I still got a bust a move I think across empty space because they hold back a lot in this culture. Not all and it's the ones that do otherwise that tell me that it's possible to find women like that.

I'm looking for fun pleasure and erotic experiences on the one hand and on the other hand I'm also looking for a mother of my children and a partner and long-term mate. I'm open to all ideas of possible arrangements. I do not believe in dogma anymore. I do not believe in one size fits all and maybe I can create a new way but let's start with getting something. It's like software you want things done right. You want separation of concerns or what's the acronym- the acronym is solid. The oh is what I'm going for open for extension closed for change - basically extensible basically don't paint yourself in the corner. I'm fine with committing to a path if it can deliver on promises. If that means monogamy fine if the woman is good enough I'll commit and not look back or at least that's how I wish to be able to be but I'm not going to take a bad deal of course and besides that I don't want to pay myself into a corner but not withstanding it's good to make things happen as one girl said on Instagram to meet girl in park is good. To park meat in girl is better

But I don't just want jokes and memes. I want to be mad who can act. I think it might be better to think not about sex at all. Not fantasize not feel it not feel desire and save it for the real world. Maybe that's what will give me a spring. Maybe that's what successful people are like they don't think about it at all and then it just happens in person. I think that's successful people are not more charismatic or naturally attractive but they're just more in sync timing wise with lower latency. I think when you tune into micro expressions your latency goes down. That's both the nerdiest thing to say and also the non-nerdiest. I don't want to always be thinking about this stuff when I'm far from a place where I can get it. I don't want to be excited and aroused -- but it crops up and pops up. How am I supposed to spend my time in the nights or the mornings? I can read a boring book in the read a lot. I can read on business or history blah blah who cares. Work feels like it curse and I have a pretty good job and I have gratitude for it but unless I'm really in the flow it feels like a curse because I don't get enough reward outside of it which is not the fault of work. Whose fault is it anyway? I'm trying to get a sovereign spine where i can move slow and resonate. It's a place of zero apology energy and much observation.. kind of like how Tywin Lannister looked down at joffrey. When I'm out in the world someone for business or pleasure is either going to give me something or they're not but I'm going to tell who's pretending or I'm going to try. I'm going to tell who's being ironic or who's being nervous or who's being genuine. I'm going to look at their micro expressions and I'm going to be embodied. Beyond that I don't know what the hell I can do. I've wasted so much opportunity but I don't want to waste anymore. I have had quality dates and opportunities in the last few years. Man last year I dated Erica. it was like just over a year ago I know cuz of an event that marks time but it feels like only three or four months ago cuz time is moving so fast apparently two or three years ago feels like one year ago where I had this opportunity with this other quality girl. Does that make sense like time just seems to go fast and it's scary as fuck. This city is just a fucking machine too, just a cultural managerial bureaucracy. There are good living people within it actually but the thing itself is a bureaucratic machine. That's the soul of it and who chooses this kind of thing? Protestant postmodernists. The only thing to do is get sovereign and leave or travel or build your own community

 

[archimedes]

Every time i am deep in thought and hear sirens it is like a rape of my consciousness. How can people live like that? Its similar to regular engines being revved or horns but the sirens are the worst. Look at me look at me, I'm drama on the road. They are so common and persist for so long.

Each time it separates and quantizes the time. It breaks continuity so there is a before and after even when my thoughts were not finished. And there are push notifications and other things. Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains. Rousseau. You were the man

Cities are shit places. I am trying to work out an exit

There were two women i was going to talk about but its hard when ones consciousness gets raped. It puts ones body in a heightened state of vigilance. It's like "though shall not be in parasympathetic state". A city is like a prison or zoo. I have some stuff to report with some girls, no closes of course sad face but connection, which is great. I'm learning about synchrony

Honestly how the fuck can there be this much need for siren?

This is a mad world we live in, a world of dumping and i know it need only be one on ten that dump the noise or the craziness. That's enough. Yesterday at Starbucks i counted 15 guests and only one was loud, talking to another but that made the place loud. That's one in 15. Minorities ruin things for majorities, for everyone. Noise is almost a tool of suppression. I sound like a communist socialist more and more in my rhetoric lol but they probably have some good points. Whatever you call the modem system, technofeudalism perhaps, in part, it is highly repressive but in an informal way. It fracks I think. It fracks community and breaks it into mere family. The industrial revolution. It fracks family and makes individual. It fracks individual and makes split self. The shame. For shame.

Will ye no come back again.

I'll post about girls and some interactions later, when i have mental space. I'm an inspired writer. I write like i poop lol- without forcing it-- and so much of that dependends on the environment. Good environment produces good works, bad environment bad works so i try abstain and contain but why doesn't the world create a more health aesthetic environment? That is the big question. Too many people are too incentivized to dump. Its a culture of dumpings

 

[archimedes]

Love and community are the most important things and by love I don't mean agape platonic or anything although platonic love can still be intense i believe. I think it's taken on a modern conversation but no I mean eros. I mean what the hell is money for. Money is for freedom and canopy freedom and possibility and reduced stress so money does matter but love which is erotic and physical matters infinitely more.

I was at this Halloween dance that I go to most years and there was one smoking hot woman there dressed like a Bavarian German girl with braids and she was just so sweet naturally and tall and oh my God my type. And we hit it off but I just don't know how to close it's a lot to ask of such a short amount of time to build a connection and trust a bridge to make something happen

My method now is based on synchrony which is the natural attunement that comes up when you pay attention to someone carefully and connect with their micro expressions. That happened the other day at German club and I'm not that obsessed with Germany it's just like hey I go to that language group and it's fun and I connected with someone there last time that I've been attracted to and I've seen around but she was always more standoffish to me but this time she opened way up and I just paid attention to her micro expressions and she started opening more and more and now I think the words used for the conversation is just scaffolding for that synchrony. I think it's all about the neural entrainment and synchrony. I think it makes everything good happen automatically.

But at this dance you can only get so far. She doesn't even live in this city and I know also that she probably has friends and any time you want to get with a woman or most neurotypical women she's probably going to have to run you through her friend circle.

There's a lot of stuff but I also know women are sexual too if you can get a condition of trust and comfort. So much is cultural or environmental. So much is environmental. Maybe that's partly why I read so much. I just ordered Deleuze, who seems like you might be interesting. This might be cutting edge on top of all the other people describing modern structures.. but I don't know. All I know is I do feel the structures in my body more and more and I see them in my mind more and more. They're not abstract and they're not just cuz someone says that something is there. I'm not just taking notes from a professor. I really start to perceive and feel things more and more

But yeah I got a pull. There's like three women I regret not getting with that I had the chance to in the last 3 years. Good women wife material actually. I was too slow. I'm always too slow.

Also this might sound like laziness or cowardice but I need women to do the work. I mean that's just me I think. The more I try to do the work the more blows up in my face. I've worked hard on value and then presence and women have shown a lot of interest before periodically and then it just happens. It's in their Court basically. I do have my own Court I think and that is to be available and present and that's not always easy to have to learn how to linger at places and feel like I belong.. as well. I have to overcome my reticence.. it's so beautiful when a woman does the work and then of course I have to claim her. If I don't do that and if I don't do that on time then it's all for nothing. It's like this song that really applies to me don't be falling in love while she's walking away. Sadly that's my life.

But I think a lot of it's based on synchrony based on micro expressions. That's where the real connection happens where need turns into curiosity. The modern pickup scene is based on short-term shallow approaches cuz that's how boot camps are done I have to be done and also it applies to the modern world the capitalist world. There's this whole other world

And gazes are a big thing. You can say a lot with the case you can be warm and inviting you can be judgmental and scary or disapproving or intimidating

But man that woman was so hot and there were other cute women and there was this one woman who knew how to shake her things so well when they did the line dance. She was a shorty but dressed nice but mad she knew how to move. This is what matters most and I desire it and most people most men fantasize. I think this is very true in real life they live in a false reality and a part of them knows it. What is masturbation but touching the body at the same time as in your mind you're fantasizing deeply but these are not power fantasies what I call power fantasies which are different where you're not touching yourself but your member actually gets hard or feels powerful. My point is if you stop fantasizing you start seeing the real world and you start seeing how kind of hard and long the path really is, at least when it is that way. It's not always necessarily hard and sometimes the thing is right there. I just saw an old clip of Taylor Swift and John cleese and Taylor is a cutie but she's also a woman and she'll respond as a woman to any man who's like a man as long as you can carve out the time. I think a big differentiator between quality of men is the degree to which they fantasize not just about women but about things in life too and I fantasized a lot growing up but that's cuz I was from a place actually my small town city was pretty cool but I was in the bubble of my family and the public education system and so and also in college which was not a good place and so I spent most of my young adult life fantasizing but I didn't know what else I could do but if you really let your desire try to work itself out of your body and into reality and possession and so on it's going to work itself out in whatever way it finds but then it has to go looking for the paths and they are not easy to find. It's going to bump up against life's resistance or distractions. I'm not trying to plant seeds that it's hard because maybe there's a quick easy way and I think everything is easy once you get to a state of mastery.. the goal is to make things easier and be a king and a lover but a person who is in fantasy is largely blind and their own mind gives them false notions because they're not up against reality. Resistance is what helps you grow but I mean it is also torture in a little way to have desire without fulfillment so that is the trade off. You have to experience I won't even say frustration but the unfulfillment or the pending fulfillment and you meet girls like this above that are so cute and you just want them for yourself and desire is holy. Desires sacred. Desire is great desire is of the gods.

Life is torture or can be tortured. Anyone who says otherwise is lying and that's why that movie princess Bride is such a great movie. It encapsulates so much but yeah life can be torture and sometimes all you have to do is survive it and hang in there and the process might do the rest. Sometimes all you have to do is hold on I think but hold on without fantasizing. Those are my thoughts for the day. What's the thought even worth? Thoughts are nothings. Napoleon Hill said thoughts are things I say they're nothings, just fleeting passing ideas but yeah there's some sexy women out there and I want to have them or at least some of them. Never mind that I might be far from them I might not be that far but I think the first step to health might be owning one's desire. No plausible deniability I desire women in the bed to please them to make them happy. So sue me

 

[archimedes]

I got to make things all about the girl. Sometimes I fuck this up. It gets too hot. Women are feminine and I love the feminine women the most. Tension is good and sometimes when I'm connecting with a woman I start to feel tension so then I act like we need to reciprocity. As they shared something I share something for intimacy right sharing is intimate right? Well that's a trap I fall into and a mistake because what is real intimacy and what they really want is me paying attention to them 100%. There are times when they want me to speak and it will be obvious so I have to break this bad habit.

Ethically I'm doing better. I mean there is that whole idea that you don't have to apologize for your desires as a man or as any person. People might challenge these with extreme examples but I don't have any desires to do anything illegal or truly unethical. I have often beaten myself up or torn myself up over whether what I was doing was best for a person in the long run as if I even know but the book sex at dawn among other things has changed how I view reality, and also I see the cost that everyone is paying being part of the new modern world. There's not enough touch there's not enough love and I use that word love deliberately to be or include sex and attraction, not just this epic thing. We live in the age of so-called epics or pseudoepics where everyone tries to be epic or loves epic things. A lot of people watch fantasy marvel movies or just really elaborate done movies and scores. I myself love the album The power of Scotland which is kind of epic but it's about grounded connection. It's about reading micro expressions and letting things happen and as I've added in this post keeping the attention on her not 50/50. 50/50 is stupid and even if I know that consciously I often snap or fall into it. I think what I lack is the grounding in my thighs.

I met this gorgeous woman yesterday sweet 10 out of 10

That's what puts all my ideas to the test

Approach. Not avoid. not get weird or hmgo sideways. Do it.

But yeah this is just ethical talking I'm already good there at least I have been feeling better. It's not about thinking it's about doing. It's kind of like tech actually it's about low latency. Latency is the enemy. Latency is the opposite of presence.

How do you make a woman want you? That's a million dollar question but I think the one sentence answer might be make her feel connected to you and how do you achieve that? Connect on her micro expressions with everything else as scaffolding, all the conversation everything. Try to make that smooth but it's the synchrony of neural systems over micro expressions when your body gets in that mode of curiosity and focus. Attention is all you need although there are many things to capture your attention in the modern world but that's the game isn't it. It's like capture the flag but in this case guard the flag and kids don't play these games anymore they're all on their phones but that's another story

It's all about football scoring a touchdown but you score when you bring the ball down the field enough and you bring the ball down the field enough when you've attuned enough that she opens to you and desires you too and age or anything doesn't even matter. It's emotion or feeling that matters. Obviously circumstances matter a little but they're not the heart of it and you don't think of those in advance you handle those as they pop up I think. I think that's the only winning play. You get to feel. You get to have desire lead and you must pay attention and be in the body and slow is better than fast.

Desire is transgressive sometime. I almost said desire is dirty. That's sometimes what I'm talking about but it's also sweet. I would say it's transgressive and dirty fine. That's life. That's real life. No fucking condoms all the time because condoms don't create life not that you always want to. I'm just saying don't make this always a required condition. Consent is required condition obviously for anyone reading but life already dumps enough constraints on us. If you sleep with someone amazing what's the risk of having a child with her? It's better than growing old without any children. We violate nature all the time that's where I'm coming from. Isn't it time we honored nature? Rousseau was loved and he regrets not being more closer to his family but he had children and he was loved and respected and his descendants are probably walking the Earth right now. Desire.

I get sometimes intimidated by things too. I guess I get intimidated by what could happen if a third party appears- or the whole idea of the panopticon, the fear of being watched and that's another big thing to not be afraid of because the fear is worse than the outcome and I think those who succeeded at the game didn't have much of that and I always had a lot. I don't know why. When I got back from Europe I went back for my senior year having learned about this game and doing a lot of approaches to the small ass liberal arts college which I realize now I never fit in with to begin with. It's Minnesota Junior it's neurotypical it's abstraction not life experience and it's still four years of my life in many ways it didn't give me confidence for work which I needed it didn't give me anything I needed basically and it took it only took but when I got back from my junior year in Scotland with all this confidence it put me back in a cage where the panopticon maybe went into effect. I was still exploring my identity too and the game got me to try new things but now they're not even radical or anything. Different kind of clothes which I see as a little too flamboyant now but it was a good gesture and better than being boring but also they're not even flamboyant anymore culturally everything's normal and nothing stands out. I think it was so easy to stand out back then in the early 2000s. Now the whole culture is so experienced. I think other movements happened in the meantime like neostoicism and the hustle and the grind and the lifestyle. Getting jacked was a thing for a while maybe too.. and I was out of it for a lot of stuff. I was out of touch with pop culture for some of this time when I was in California working on a farm or overseas teaching English but even when I came back I was out of touch with certain aspects of culture. None of this stuff was my main issue. I face different issues in my upper 20s than in my lower and different in my 30s and different ones now but now I'm so ready psychologically and otherwise but the environment changed. I've solved a lot of the things of earlier times morals and ethics and embodiment and I even satisfied my career and self-esteem requirements but now there are smartphones, there's the attention economy and I have to crack this stuff

I also have a fear.. I have a fear of judgment of others and specifically the fear that they judge me as someone who makes excuses so I'm always trying to talk and defend against that in my own mind. They better not think I'm making excuses. This is almost one of my sides. I need to let this atrophy I think and let people think what they think. This is my form of reputation management according to some ideal but it is expensive. I'm not at the place where results speak for themselves so I'm afraid of people thinking I'm excusing. For some reason that has become something that scares me being an excuser in the eyes of others. I might even be terrified of it at some level low-key and what I describe as environment factors are probably legitimate too. They're part of the system to solve for. What is a man supposed to do? Men are expected to be stoic and silent in many ways and it's better to be still working silent and not be thought and excuser but go home alone then get with someone sexually.. oh it's all so weird. When a person lays it out it seems really funny.

Change of subject a little bit I'm lying in bed here in the morning and I feel more tingles in different places like my feet and heels and other places. This is a loosening of strictness and rigidity and a dissolving of abstraction or a grounding of abstraction into embodiment which is guaranteed to be helpful and the right thing. Women say - and they saw this in the video of a guy in infield footage that I don't normally watch but it was spammed to my email- the woman would marry a guy who makes her feel blah blah blah tingles. I think women are way more embodied than men. That's not necessarily the same as grounded in reality but embodied in the body they feel the skin and stuff and the spine and ways I'm just starting to. That's a hypothesis but when men get like that they become better but yeah there's this really cute woman tall beautiful sweet and the right thing is to love her and there were other woman on the dance floor and many of those other women were lovely and the question is who do I focus on? Who do I attend to? If I have a legitimate shot with someone else who's lesser or someone greater who do I attend to?

Not ethically but pragmatically I always wondered or I always talked to and approached women in some ways as if I had to win their fathers and brothers but this is bollocks. I had all these bad ideas in my mind and I don't know why my parents didn't put them in there or they didn't put a lot of them in there. They certainly put a lot of complexes in me and my society did as well but some of the things are strictly me and that opposite of the way society runs. Oh my God maybe it's like I have a double burden I have to appease the modern ironic plausible deniability permission seeking system don't stand to tall or be too sexual and then I also have to appease the old-fashioned one in my own mind? That doesn't produce a huge solution space. in reality I don't think I need to do either of those. I think I simply need to connect with the woman intimately with her micro expressions and get neural attunement and everything else shuts out and you live in a bubble. A bubble is created and I need to respect the bubble the canopy between us two then I need to do that long enough to bring the football down to the end zone. I think that's pretty much it. For some reason I started caring about the environment or feeling I needed a bigger better canopy. I don't know what the fuck happened but real sex with this or another real person is really the right thing to do really the best thing. It's not all abstraction or hypothetical. We are sexual creatures. When a woman seems nice or sweet it can throw you a little bit too. Not a lot but it can make you try to be nice and sweet but that's when you double down. Don't let that sway you. She wants it. If she doesn't she'll let you know. You have to always take a hint obviously and I know these things. I know women are sexual but in the moment you get deflected so easily but you can't get deflected that's where it matters the most to stay focused and embodied and present and sexually grounded to score a touchdown. There's so much noise in the world in the modern world and I don't just mean sound but false signal but you create the bubble the canopy and you score a touchdown. Not masturbating means not fantasizing. Some fantasies still flicker in the brain but they're short-lived I think. They die off when they don't prove that they work because they don't give you that much dopamine or whatever it is. Life is hard. Life is not easy. Life is work and money matters. Hortensio peace, thou knowest not gold's effects. So many things conspire to collapse the frame of a man and his own fantasy plays along but if it doesn't he can expand out and press out the frame I think and build a self canopy but then he won't get a woman I think until he attunes neurally and keeps the focus on her as a feminine until she becomes curious about him and too many games are the death of this. Games are backwards. Teasing is often backwards. Teasing is often a retrograde if you have this attunement. Teasing can work. Sexual teasing is great but often in practice the fool does something retrograde.

 

[archimedes]

Going for a walk right now late at night Monday night late fall but not too cold.

What happened? What happened?! Things were supposed to happen naturally. They say that things just don't come to you but I did work. What happened.

I say this from a zoomed up view. I've analyzed everything in so much detail multiple times and now I'm zooming out and what happened?

Nothing just happened like it did for a lot of people and so I turned the game and I tried that and things still didn't happen partly maybe because I didn't want to continue it because it felt shallow or some parts of it did. Other parts always felt right and always felt good. And some parts of conditionally necessary in this broken world we live in

But what happened? I can tell you what happened to the world around me because I've gotten a good sense of it tonight. Just ideas have crystallized whose time has come and this has nothing to do with game and girls this is more general of an interest. One thing that happened is disenchantment

We used to live in enchanted world where people were interested in it and it was intrinsically interesting

Now the architecture itself produces disenchantment. Everything is square at least in my city the streets are grids the signage is boring there's sirens all the time and I hear when just now on my walk and they linger for the longest time too. Max Weber talked about disenchantment or entzauberung or something and he was talking about a different related thing or a subset of what I am. The enlightenment rationalism or something but it's almost like everything conspires to disenchant. I've given bad examples cuz they're not coming to mind right now. The way we quantize time and have to make every minute count for productivity doesn't help. The traffic doesn't help. The old world is enchanting. Scotland or streets of France. Fall is more enchanting than any other time for sure and Halloween too which is a liminal season.. but society as a whole is not that enchanting.

I've been thinking a lot about will. I've been fighting to have my will manifest and fulfilled on Little things partly because life has been getting on my nerves or the internet has been getting on my nerves. The user interfaces and design of things has gotten worse for me. It's coercive and it pushes so much at you and it's complex and there's too many settings when you want to do something simple and because I'm feeling low in reward I want the little things of my will to come true so I get the winter effect and stay sane so I try to make that happen but I realized tonight A lot of that need might be driven from the fact that I'm disenchanted with the world because the architecture forces it kind of

They say if you take even the hardened man and have him hold the baby he'll become brighter. It'll work on anyone. I was thinking the opposite works too. You take a baby who's enchanted with everything and raise him in this society. It'll eventually disenchant him with the schooling system and even before that the structure of things and it'll eventually flatten him into everyone else.

I'm not trying to be cynic at least not for performative sake.

This was probably true back in the day when I started this stuff although I didn't want to ironically presume anything because I didn't know for sure and they didn't want to put on airs but if there's a distinction between presence and performance I fall on the presence side but presence is a skill set just as much as performance, or if not skill then talent and becoming. You have to become somebody. Performance or display. I have a desire to show off certain things of course but I want to lose that desire and I just want to be present like the grades like what's his name that singer Dean Martin maybe or Johnny Carson I don't know those guys have class. I've never idolized them and I've never tried to be like them they just come up to my mind right now as examples. I hate this performative bullshit and women often today not all of them but some of them on tick tock they know they're beautiful and they try to monetize their beauty. I hate this monetization bullshit of everything.

Christianity and religion provides a lot of scaffolding and retains a lot of enchantment but it also flattens it and reduces it compared to what was before. Polytheism and God's everywhere in the hills so more than dry secular rationalism but less than could be and it's totalizing. It does provide canopy though

But what happened? And why do I still hear sirens after over 5 minutes? What a crazy world we live in. When I was up in the North shore the silence was amazing the silence was heavenly the silence was sanity but I still don't know that I'd call that enchantment. It's maybe a different axis. It's a beautiful axis and an axis I crave, very much especially when I hear the siren noise you're there far away but it's been like 6 minutes it's so ridiculous. Alarm alarm alarm. I won't be surprised if they're even 3 miles away and I still hear them but anyway the silence was not enchantment I don't think but it was its own beautiful thing that can contribute to enchantment. the wild and the nature was kind of enchanted but there's an enchantment about an old city too and you don't have to go to nature. Thunder Bay was not an interesting City at all but the surroundings were all right. I usually love Canada but results vary

But honestly what happened? Maybe you were supposed to lose some enchantment as we get older and I definitely think I could be a grandkid today if we were in the hunter together era almost a great grandfather if you start at 15 or 16 so maybe that's how it's supposed to go I think it might I'm supposed to lose some perhaps and pass on my wisdom and plain sense to my children and my children's children but so what happened why didn't things just happen naturally or why didn't things come with a little bit of work? I'm not asking about specific cases which any reader here would know nothing about but in general you know like I'm attractive I'm tall I'm intelligent I'm not broken I come from a good extended family. We had a name for ourselves in our town. My dad was the lamest guy I know relative to what he's been given in many ways.

Yeah what happened? And what's going to happen? I've always retained an open mind toward future possibility and I always try to live with the idea that tomorrow something could happen and I've always lived that way so that's not been an issue. I've never been a black piller.. except brief times when I was really feeling pressed emotionally but it was never cognitive first it was emotional seepage. That said I always live with the idea something could happen tomorrow so why hasn't it? As I've said earlier I didn't realize it but I've been surrounded by Minnesota my whole life except for when I was traveling and didn't really have a career. I've been surrounded more deeply than I thought and Minnesota is just the quintessence of America. America is the most disenchanting place ever. Well I shouldn't say ever but it is so disappointing compared to what it's cracked up to be. It's the ratio of things that matters. I heard that humans detect acceleration more than they detect speed and that's a derivative of a derivative so ratios matter as much as things so when I say my dad was the lamest that's why not true but it's true in the greater since if you consider where he came from in America maybe not the worst but relative to what people think of it and how great they thought it was that were the savior of the world and the arsenal of democracy.. it's not that good. I think people pin their hopes on these shallow metrics shallow kpis and if I took that away they'd have nothing whereas I'm rejecting those for more substantive things even if they're subtle and free like nature like architecture like belonging to a beautiful city even if there is the poorest person in that City versus being the king of a junkyard world. I'm rejecting the metrics that other people may be depending on to hang on to but I say to everybody let go. Let go and give it up you don't need anything but you need human connection or you need connection to Spirit. That's another thing I can be really frustrated in my mood suddenly changes to positive or vice versa but still I need a long-term something. I need a long-term plan and a partnership and I want to live in a nice world that's enchanting and I'm not apologizing for that at all

 

[theReason]

Well we have many of the same thoughts at the same time but I am actually ahead of you for once, usually you are ahead of me.

The light in your world is dim because people do not see the 10000 people that are in you, and as a result they treat you not as you are.

You are basically functioning on the level of a hyper-rapid-cycling bipolar disorder.

A hyper-cube cannot pretend to be a cube to an observer placed in a dimension that reveals enough information to demonstrate it is not a cube, but not enough to demonstrate what in fact it is.

In order to be a better-treated person you need to stop pretending you are one person

i.e. you need to accept that you will be perceived as one person, despite the fact that “an outward appearance of ‘success’ on your ‘person’” requires a success on many many different axes all at once; it requires the equivalent of many many different people contained within you each experiencing their own unrelated successes simultaneously. And each one of those people require as much effort exerted by them to succeed as a regular ordinary person must exert themselves in order to succeed.

So succeeding on any basis that seems relevant to you requires 10000 times more effort than an individual.

But yet when you fail, say, a woman scowls at you because she is having a bad day and she is scowling at everyone, all 10000 people experience that failure equally.

Subjective success, universally perceived failure.

So it’s rough.

And at the same time, 10000 people, a small society, should be able to succeed greater than one person. It simply requires 10000 people’s work.

So like, you are a person, but you are not an individual.

You are a perfect representative of a tightly-knit, but varying in every other way, community. You are a single indicator light or radio signal from a planet nobody else will ever see any other sight of.

So you have a lot to communicate, a lot to do, and a lot of success to expect.

 

[archimedes]

This journal I read and respond to things but it's where I put my thoughts to so I'll respond later but right now I have a thought to put. I know it's a lot but I don't care. It's a Tuesday morning and my thought is non bitterly necessarily but I'm validated by a European women from like 20 years. Italian Scottish English Russian and then I came back to America for the longest time 15 years and there's been American woman that liked me and whatever but I think a lot of them if they would have had the social proof of knowing these women like me they would come around in that bugs me because they can't think for themselves whatever but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the fact that intrinsically I internalized validation and so I wasn't going to compromise or perform as much as someone else might have been. That might be one of the reasons. That's what I'm getting at and that's what I wanted to stress. It's weird when you have a kind of validation with high quality people and then you get invalidated by maybe high quality others or lower quality others as the case may be it's kind of a contradiction but between the validation and trusting myself vs ghosting or hard terms or poor offerings I had to go with the former

What triggered this thought actually is getting a message from one of the women one of the most beautiful Italian women physically but so much more spiritually mentally emotionally. I've been in conversation with her for a bit and I'm not pursuing her it's not like that but for some reason this morning it made me think this thought and want to share it or put it on record

 

[archimedes]

i got some fun work to do tonight. i am raising rents on a set of my tenants. i have never done this before. good tenants i don't raise rent on usually if my property cash flows and i still keep to that principle but it's been years and i am not raising rents on everyone. i still reward good tenants. i still hate turnover- of good tenants and turnover is expensive for me emotionally and sometimes costly. sometimes it is profitable actually if i true up the rent but anyway i have a handful of types of tenants. i have several on assistance so they won't even notice the increase. if i do it before November i can give them 2 months notice. this is not about dating. i'll get there. everything is connected. I do everything with care- if i have the time. there is something to learn from everything. i have also been paying, in time, energy, attention and money for my properties, my three new ones that are low income old multifamilies. all three of those dimensions spell work. i didn't know that at the time. I had to do a lot of plumbing repair- read 20k and that's just one thing. This is a way to start recapturing some. I have to babysit tenants and chase money now and rent more than ever. that is not pleasurable. rent raise is due and i may be able to increase my monthly rent rolls by 760 or something, maybe more. that's not nothing although i wish for that to be nothing in the future. i am getting out of debt right now actually. well i have a lot of debt- "good" business debt, fixed income real estate debt which charlie munger would still snigger at and he's not stupid he has a point but i am talking about credit card debt to pay for this emergency stuff. i could pay it off at once but i want to pay it off gradually to not steal my liquidity. i also got a note from insurance- tasks they want me to do. the code is four steps need a rail and they are asking for a rail on three steps- and very broad and gradual ones and their image shows "step hazard". "I have not passed through fire and shadow ... haha hazard.

So i'm at starbucks cause they're open later and gonna figure out how to do this right. starbucks apparantly blocks your site so i have to use my mobile phone connection. the world runs on obstacles. i guess they find it offensive. what bothers me is not that they block sites necessarily because i don't think total freedom needs to be guaranteed but that they do it from a corporate policy of risk minimization, just like insurance, just like everything. the whole tech world or the tech platforms run on dark ux too. they make things complicated when they want to create friction and they make things simple when they want you to purchase. all this stuff erodes not just sovereignty but sanity and flow.

Its funny i remember 20 years ago the main reason i used the internet- which really came about when i was in college was to study to pick up girls -- and i did go out and approach especially in europe but i couldn't really do so at the small college i attended. the internet is not all its cracked up to be. silence is sanity. here i am but i am using it for business too but i want to get off it and live. i (we?) need to reassess our internet and technology use. back in the day men or nerds were online. now everyone is, all day every day almost. it has become ubiquitous. go to a cafe or something. virtually everyone is starting at a screen.

I also identified multiple forms of optimism. there is a city wide optimism here that is managerial corporate- they blare only positive music on the airwaves. that too is dark environmental engineering. yeah i can drown it out with headphones, with some woods of ypress if no other sounds can block it out. enough bitterness for now. one last thing- i just discovered the short story by kurt vonnegut - harrison bergeron. omg that describes the sounds of sirens on my brain, the handicapping of the above average for the benefit of equality and non competition.

women are so confident here at the university too and you need equal confidence to get them, at least some of them-- to pass the vibe check. it is not directed confidence- towards something, towards getting a job but ambient confidence- just walking the streets like queens. i was surrounded by this my whole life in a way- less in my smaller town of my birth but i was under the family canopy which was crazy- brothers with down's syndrome but much worse my weak father and my strong willed mother. she didn't break my will. she just irritated me, and didn't pour in and didn't serve as a good feminine role model. the problem is how to get that equal confidence, to pass the vibe check. men here- if they are not docile, are work horses. i feel sorry for them. or they are loud frat boys. that is almost the only other way to pierce the wall. i hate the ambient managerial optimism. That seems so american. that's what i like about the european mood historically. they don't have that commercial optimism.

i go through more stress now but i also feel body tingles just about everywhere at different times, my spine, my skin-- this is new. it's like something is collapsing. if i am feeling my tailbone, then my face can do more heavily lifting, with expressions, eye brow raises. anyway i'm not talking about anything important. i better get into my work. everything is coercion in a way. that's how the modern system runs. my insurance inspection report said 'recommended' but they might mean mandatory. i have to check. if you're going to require something for a deal, then say required. don't fucking say recommended. good grief. stop pissing on me and telling me it's raining. this world. fuck. i did- i really did come back from thailand years ago to minneapolis, though i didn't really have to- i had money to last a while- i came back to make it here-- despite intuiting that it would be more difficult. i wasn't a pussy. i had to do it- or thought i did. i didn't want a hollow victory. i always wanted to be a man that could win. i still do but is it worth winning if you are lord of the flies. i'd rather be low of the low in a golden city than a king of flies or crazy. i do not mean to be a snob. that was never my intent. i'm the guy that wrongly or not perseveres when shit flies in his face that no one sees. i don't have the hardest life but i have a lot of load for little reward. the reward ratio sucks- the reward to load ratio. it's horrible right now. the city and state is un-enchanting. the promise of the path i'm on is not that great. if any one of these things was different i might feel better. i am learning a lot and growing though. my body is still my compass. if it tells me something, i honor it, more and more. in a way it's ambient siege warfare, the coercion of modern life but what one has to do i think in a way is simple unsubscribe- and how. so i am unsubscribing as it were, or trying to. that's how one gets ahead. I think when breaks come i will be ready and then things will fly forward. i have never been a loser- just a loser in love lol

 

[archimedes]

Well we have many of the same thoughts at the same time but I am actually ahead of you for once, usually you are ahead of me.

The light in your world is dim because people do not see the 10000 people that are in you, and as a result they treat you not as you are.

You are basically functioning on the level of a hyper-rapid-cycling bipolar disorder.

A hyper-cube cannot pretend to be a cube to an observer placed in a dimension that reveals enough information to demonstrate it is not a cube, but not enough to demonstrate what in fact it is.

In order to be a better-treated person you need to stop pretending you are one person

i.e. you need to accept that you will be perceived as one person, despite the fact that “an outward appearance of ‘success’ on your ‘person’” requires a success on many many different axes all at once; it requires the equivalent of many many different people contained within you each experiencing their own unrelated successes simultaneously. And each one of those people require as much effort exerted by them to succeed as a regular ordinary person must exert themselves in order to succeed.

So succeeding on any basis that seems relevant to you requires 10000 times more effort than an individual.

But yet when you fail, say, a woman scowls at you because she is having a bad day and she is scowling at everyone, all 10000 people experience that failure equally.

Subjective success, universally perceived failure.

So it’s rough.

And at the same time, 10000 people, a small society, should be able to succeed greater than one person. It simply requires 10000 people’s work.

So like, you are a person, but you are not an individual.

You are a perfect representative of a tightly-knit, but varying in every other way, community. You are a single indicator light or radio signal from a planet nobody else will ever see any other sight of.

So you have a lot to communicate, a lot to do, and a lot of success to expect.

very interesting. i do not fully understand this. what do you mean ahead of me for once, or whatever?

I overinternalize failure- in all my ways, because of one input that doesn't even have to do with me? I get that. it is a trap many fall into - and everyone is stressed here unless they are not. everyone is carrying load but i don't think it's just internalizing load. i think it is the reward to load ratio is so bad for me right now- and the enchantment of the city is gone or killed off by noise and shit AND the promise of future reward on current paths- work etc is drying up. i need something. i keep pushing through of course, like dante through hell through purgatory to heaven or whatever. i do what i can but i don't know. i have faced a lot of rejection and that doesn't bother me itself. annoyance and setback bother me in other areas. one just wants to feel one is getting ahead- and also - i have good friends but being alone, as most people are now, is not ideal.

so explain what you mean, i'm intrigued.

 

[theReason]

i do not fully understand this. what do you mean ahead of me for once, or whatever?

I mean, usually I see a post by you and it starts from where I am currently in my thought loop and moves forward past it. So you are usually thinking the same thoughts as me but like one day ahead of schedule.

In this case, you were behind by about an hour and a half, because everything I read in the post (post #75, the one I replied to) was stuff I had already thought about an hour and a half before I read it.

So I made the post that extended into the next set of thoughts I was having.

But this is futile work I realize because by the time you get to reading my post, you will probably already be there or past it.

It will be a passé thought that has lived its life and you will have moved on to new thoughts by then.