Keep catching fiance lying about masturbating...

Nashtiger34

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First post here, but have read many articles in years past. As the topic suggests, I keep catching my fiancé lying about masturbating....

In the past year, I have caught my fiancé (just got engaged a couple weeks ago) lying about masturbating and watching porn. First time - she asked me to look up a recipe on her phone, and as I was typing in the search bar a "recent website suggestion" came up for pornhub. She said she had been at home alone and was horny and had been masturbating about once a week for the last month or so... told her it wasn't a big deal but requested the next time she was horny to text me and I will be there in a hurry to satisfied her desires...

Second time - In an effort to make her feel more comfortable about masturbating, two months ago I bought her a vibrator for us to use and for her to use when I am traveling for work. We've used it together multiple times, and although she is very shy about it she loves it. In the last three weeks I have been out of town for work traveling for 2/3 weeks. While out of town I would text her flirty things and asked if she had been horny and wanting to use her toy. She would always say no, she's been busy and hasn't had time to feel horny. When I got back in town, I asked her again if she had used it. By her response, it was obvious she was lying (we've been together 5 years, I know when she lies lol). So I told her the vibrator I bought was connected to an app and that I knew she had been using it. So she gave me the oh shit look and admitted to using it multiple times.

Here's the issue, she has always claimed that she hates masturbating and it makes her feel uncomfortable and dirty... She never tells me when she is horny and I am always the one having to make the first move. I have tried many things to change her behavior, such as not making a move for 6 weeks and she still never came on to me, but nothing works. My question is this - Why does she continually lie to me about constantly about masturbating and why is she afraid to be comfortable doing it with me and telling me she did it.
 

Lover

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Nashtiger34 said:
So I told her the vibrator I bought was connected to an app and that I knew she had been using it.
I understand it is a big deal to you, but can she trust you after you pulled this off? Stop monitoring her, let her be free and have her alone-time for herself. You're putting more pressure on her to be sexually free, but she can't like this

Nashtiger34 said:
she has always claimed that she hates masturbating and it makes her feel uncomfortable and dirty...
Here you answered your own question in the end of your post.
Next, you should figure out WHY it's making her uncomfortable and dirty because only she knows. Maybe past trauma, maybe social conditioning, maybe something else. Ask her without judgement. Make open-ended questions, questions like "have you ever thought about why you feel/think like this?", "why has that affected you in the way it has" etc. Don't rush to any conclusions for her, let her find them herself while you listen
 

Cody Lyans

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Hey man, great to have you posting. Welcome to the board.
As for masturbation, it is normal people lie, especially girls. Don't take offense or try to control it. In fact do the opposite and encourage it whenever it comes up and act INDIFFERENT. Like "yeah sure we all do, and don't think on it much, cool don't need to feel shy I think it is sexy" keep it low key. Do not be like CALL ME INSTEAD, HIT ME UP C'MON.
You need to be the one who initiates, girls generally won't until you get close enough and warm her up with sweet nothings in her ear.
My advice PLAY WITH IT, don't treat it seriously, give her knowing looks and don't be afraid to take the lead and maaake her horny.
Control and indifference. Hit on her anyway like it does not matter to you.
Last thing she wants is u to stop hitting on her and having to do it herself cuz she masturbates. Let her be a girl. Indulge her need to be pursued
 

naturalmikey

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if i had a girlfriend that kept asking me about masturbating i'd lie to. you are poison dripping your relationship.
 

Grand Pooba

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Here's the issue, she has always claimed that she hates masturbating and it makes her feel uncomfortable and dirty... She never tells me when she is horny and I am always the one having to make the first move. I have tried many things to change her behavior, such as not making a move for 6 weeks and she still never came on to me, but nothing works. My question is this - Why does she continually lie to me about constantly about masturbating and why is she afraid to be comfortable doing it with me and telling me she did it.
It sounds to me like you've got an ultra sexual woman on your hands but either you're not having enough sex together, or she feels like she can't be open with you about her sexuality and sexual needs. It's pretty clear that she loves porn and masturbating, but my question is bigger - how do YOU feel about her masturbating and watching porn? Do you think that makes her dirty and less of a partner? Do you feel weaker because she's achieving sexual pleasure without you?

It just sounds like you need to just make more of an effort to fuck her, more. How often are you having sex?
It also sounds like you travel a lot, so that has something to do with this as well?

I have tried many things to change her behavior, such as not making a move for 6 weeks and she still never came on to me, but nothing works.
I don't really understand this strategy to be honest - in my view men lead and women follow, and few women will lead even when they really want something. So it's possible here that she wants more sex with you but is afraid to ask (and rightfully so, she shouldn't be leading here) so instead she's getting sexual pleasure by herself.

You should try fucking her more and initiating more sex with her. Like, way more.

Also, is she having orgasms from sex with you? That's also extremely important:

Second time - In an effort to make her feel more comfortable about masturbating, two months ago I bought her a vibrator for us to use and for her to use when I am traveling for work.
Vibrators can backfire in the sense that they'll desensitize a woman to a real cock. If she's achieving more orgasms from the vibrator than from your dick... guess which one she's going to want more?
 

Richard

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The other guys already covered a lot of the material here but I'll touch on something else;

Women, generally, only lie as a means to protect themselves or others. Women are very honest with men who they think can handle whatever it is they're going to talk about SO if she's lying to you then it's because you lead her to believe she NEEDS to lie to you. And, if she's lying to you about stuff like this in a 5-year deep relationship then you set some bad expectations somewhere along the way.

The fact that you're making a post about it is also evident that you're taking it a lot more seriously than her - hence most of the advice you got from these guys is to relax about it. You're going to have to start rebuilding expectations which means you're going to have to start changing your own behaviors about this kind of stuff.
 

Skills

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it seems that the frame here is you vs vibrator... This is such a horrible frame to have, "i bought it so when i am at work" this is nice guy manipulation (women are repulse by any type of nice guy behavior" in other word the meta frame is "vibrators" and "porn" are there for "when you travel" she does not get dick somewhere else.... This is just part 1.

There are subcommunications red flags everywhere:

-somewhere in this relationship dynamic (real or not, but is in her head) she feels judge by you

-she does not feel comfortable open in up 100% totally to you sexually.....(she has to go sneaking and being shady to get off, you need to go spying and investigating to catch her, horrible anti seductive dynamic)

and finally there is lack of trust and lying going on (this could be detrimental for the relationship as a whole)

learn about the secret society of sex and get comfortable with the seducers secret society frames, encourage her to open up sexually...:

References that may help you (it will take a while but this will help you eventually to get there):




 

Skills

Tribal Elder
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P.s. it seems she is getting her sexual needs met by the vibrator vs you (i had a girl that was not having sex with the hubby so she bought a big dildo that met her needs for 3 years, she did not cheat but the dildo met her sexual needs, he would cum too fast in like 1 minute, actually the girl in the 3rd video)

marriage and familiarity sometimes kills sex (specially with women). I think you are feeling this and that is the reason for this post and your confronting her about the vibrator.... I think she knows this subconsciously and that is why she is lying and being defensive

there is a good book about sexual mastery ( i recommend you get it, is called sex god by rose)
 
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