Limerance Journal: Help Needed

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Missed out on an excellent opportunity to attend a high-profile social event. Shame. The opportunity to mack up on artsy babes in a setting where I have ample social proof was high. I just forgot with the medical situation this week, plus the bandage makes me a little self-conscious.

Once things settle down with work and I get the stitches out, I'm going to ping former dates and see what's up. See if I can revive any of these leads.

Sifting through my phone, I've kept 41 numbers from online sites in the past year-and-a-half. I wouldn't have pulled for the number if I didn't think they were promising. Most, not all, I've had dates with. There's another 6-7 that I had second dates with that are in my phone under their full names. There's only three lays in there - I am just not as persistent as I once was. And only two I'd consider relationship-worthy. There's a couple of women that I met through social circles, both of which I will let dangle for the time being.

Not a bad set of prospects to work with.

The most proximate online prospect is the tall classy blonde. I sent her a text a couple hours ago proposing a meetup tomorrow or Sunday. I don't care about the bandage, I showed her the bandage-less stitched wound and she didn't seem to flinch. No reply yet, and I don't care. I am really feeling an independence of outcome, toes tapping and fingers snapping as they say in the parlance.

Plus there's a development:

Limerance girl texted today. We had a lovely exchange as she was traveling back to her hometown for a month. She apologized for not reaching out, wanted to stay in touch, hoped I was doing well, etc.

I was going to give her the "new phone, who this?" routine but I forgot. Too excited. It was all I could do wait a half hour. We went back and forth for awhile but I gave her a friendly emoji and closed it out. This time it was her who initiated and she out-texted me at least 2-1.

This tells me that her feelings toward me are complicated. If I was merely a fuckboy to her she would have every opportunity to drop the conversation and fade out of my life entirely. I'm thinking there's two possibilities. One is she sincerely likes me and wants to be platonic friends. Another is she's keeping me as a backup. I'm sure there's many more possibilities but that's what I'm thinking are most likely at the moment.

 

[gameboy]

41 leads? You sir, are a true Casanova!

Glad your "heart girl" reached out to you! That's a good sign. I'm sure it will work itself out with time. And in the meantime, I don't think you'll get bored with all those leads in your phone

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
First meetup with the tall classy blonde today. She was better looking in person. Beautiful lively blue eyes. Friendly. A little skinny for my taste, but she had a high, tight booty with just enough bounce to keep my interest. Very fit. Too much lip filler gave her a bit of that Kardashian duck-billed look, but it's just the way it is with affluent boomer and Gen X'er ladies in these parts.

The conversation was a bit strained. I played it cool like usual, asking open-ended questions, making direct eye contact, triangle gazing, warm smiles, receptive nods, etc. I said little. Probably 75-25 ratio. When she'd ask me a question, I'd start to answer, but she'd grab a string from that conversation and pull it away like a manic kitten. I chalked it up to her nervousness. I don't think it was evidence of latent solipsism. I couldn't tell if she was finding me attractive or not. But then I rarely can.

I misread signals often - usually thinking their interest wasn't piqued when it apparently was. And occasionally the other way around - like this Eastern European redhead I was infatuated with a little over a decade ago.

When we met for a drink, this Slavic ginger babe gave off every signal, including direct compliments on my looks, style and intelligence, asking me to go hiking, talking about things we might do in the future, etc. Everything said dick-dipping next meetup. Then when, the next day, I suggested a proper date, "Ooh sorry did you think there was something between us?" Ouch. I was over-invested because I was sunken-heart-deep into my prior limerance mess and felt like this girl with her splendid ass would have been a perfect distraction.

But still, even now looking back over the interactions I couldn't believe I'd misread it so bad. Interestingly, Slavic Red would continue to call or text every week or so for awhile after she shot me down, asking me where I'd gotten my shoes, would I still want to hike (turns out she organized a hiking group), who did I use for my homeowners insurance, etc. Bizarre. Was it some weird game? I'd see her out and about occasionally, including with a dude who was very mid, and obviously a step down from me that I figured she was a mess and I'd dodged a bullet.

Today's tall classy blonde was making it difficult for me to feel connected or dive deep because of her chatter, but still I liked her. She wasn't giving off any sense of entitlement or haughtiness that I've noticed in a lot of women her age range and affluence. Not like my most recent ex in other words.

I wasn't going to judge too harshly for our conversation being so one-sided. Until I trotted out The Cube. I explained it and said it was a test for getting to know each other more easily. She said "I'm not taking a test." Shut it down hard. Maybe I was doing a bad job of setting it up, but she was not buying it.

That's only happened to me twice among many dozens of occasions. I almost said, "It was a test, and you failed."

I did talk about the background of the Cube - my backstory is that it was an early personality test, like Meyers-Briggs, designed by Sufis in 12th century Persia to see if acolytes should be trained into specific fields, say an assassin, a whirling Dervish, mystics, poets etc. She seemed mildly intrigued, but I didn't push it.

In fact, I leaned away from her, checked out the waitresses, appeared a little bored, mentioned that I had a household repair I needed to get supplies for. I believe she was taking the hint, leaning in, asking me more questions, "we should keep in contact," etc. We parted company with a hug. I know, I've got to stop with the hugs, and go instead for the sexy hand clasp.

Immediately, before I even got back to my car, she texted, "You're a sweetheart! Nice to meet you." Hmm, I hearted it, and left it at that. I would like to suggest another meetup, I don't want to put too much weight on one disjointed introduction. She was cute, I felt some affection toward her, and I'm curious about what's she's feeling toward me. It's not a total bust or she wouldn't have been so quick to text.

The interaction reminded me of my first meeting with my ex ... I didn't feel connected at all, figured it was done and dusted. I was broken-hearted about the prior limerance girl (just 18 days after our umpteenth and final breakup), thinking this new girl was really cute, but not feeling the physical attraction, etc. But then she texted an hour or so later with a flirty callback to her answers to the Cube. It was on.

The bandage was not making me feel even the slightest bit self-conscious. Interesting. Stitches out Tuesday, just in time for Trivia Girl, who I haven't seen in a week now.

Next mission is to work through the 41 numbers I've collected since my breakup a year and a half ago. There's at least six that I felt were promising, including one tall Persian girl that I really liked. I didn't sleep with her because of logistics, but I felt it was on for our third date. She broke it off with me because she said she was too newly single and wasn't ready to get physical. Given that she was very passionate during the makeout sessions, I am not sure if I believe her. Could be a thousand reasons why she didn't want the third date to happen. But hey, maybe she's ready now to get all freaky.

Limerance Girl:
Having had time to think about Friday's text exchange, I'm more confused than ever. I read about my boy @ZenRising realizing the girl he was crushing on reached out just because of sincere friendship and common acquaintances, etc. And maybe that's all that's going on here.

Part of me says forget about her for now, let her be the one to reach out next. She'll be gone for a month in any event.

Another part of me thinks I need to provide a little comfort and check in with her during her time away. Ask what's going on with her, tell her a bit of local gossip, just be a friend. What if she keeps in contact with me because she's confused about her feelings? Ghosting her certainly wouldn't advance my goals to have another chance to woo her.

This shit is hard.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Just got off the phone with a very promising online lead from Bumble. I gave her my number a week or so ago and forgot all about it. She called tonight and we spoke for an hour. A friendly, bantering kind of conversation. I kept it light, with a few dives into deep and emotional issues. We made a soft plan to meet up soon. The distance sucks - more than an hour with usual traffic - but she comes up here couple times a month and I go down there once a month.

She has a very nice voice, and her photos look great. I do love the ginger babes. Definitely going to follow up.

The tall classy blonde didn't reply to my friendly followup text yesterday asking about an event she was attending, a callback to our meeting earlier in the day. I figured I'd again misread her interest. But this morning she texted back and she couldn't have been friendlier. She basically asked me if I wanted to accompany her (and her friends?!) to the next event.

My plan is to ask her out for a proper dinner this coming weekend, depending on other factors that are happening in the background. She's cute, seems friendly, and I'd like to get to know her better.

That's about it for now. I've got a big day tomorrow (stitches out!) and I'll probably run into trivia girl in the evening.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Text exchanges with the tall, classy blonde haven't led anywhere. I suggested a hike, she said she might be out of town, and also she said it's rattlesnake season. I said we'd better not push our luck, but didn't suggest an alternative. It stalled out then, as expected. I guess I was hoping she'd say she'd be around this weekend after all, and I could suggest meeting for lunch or dinner.

I'll try another plan of engagement tomorrow. I'd love to pull her back to my gaff for a meal. I am a serious cook and it's been my go-to for years. Rarely fails.

Interesting exchange at the local bar. Two women from another trivia team cornered me. They've got a cute friend and wanted to set me up. This happens frequently to me, and rarely leads anywhere. Though I did marry one - so there's counter-evidence ..

The woman in question appeared very pretty - lots of curly blonde hair. When the match-making "shadchanis" were pressing me on what I like, I said it's all about the waist-hip ratio. Boy did that get a bad reaction. I told them I was just joking, they said that wasn't funny. I wasn't joking, and it is funny.

So this Friday there's an arts event, at which we will get formally introduced. I'm a little anxious, because I once said I'd be interested in meeting up with this girl (who I knew to be extremely hot) and she said through the matchmaker that she wasn't interested. It was a major blow to my self esteem just at the wrong time with all the other challenges in my life at that time. In fact, I had a big crush on the matchmaker -- we always had flirty interactions but she was married. I figured she was living vicariously through trying to set me up.

Did not see trivia girl last night, but that's OK. My buddy warned me that she's got BPD tendencies. We'll see.

Match.com keeps sending me notices that I'm getting likes and messages. But I let my subscription expire a couple months ago. My modus operandi is to sign up for a month, blitz the interesting profiles with pithy, fun messages, mostly accusing them of being too cute to be real, that they must be an AI op. Collect numbers as quickly as possible, then push for meetups quickly. Fail often, fail fast.

Has anyone else noticed this phenomenon? An uptick in likes and messages after your subscription has expired? I'm guessing the online dating sites are looking to get you to resubscribe.

 

[ZenRising]

Hey there @Casanova Newhouse ... so did you get to the arts event in the end? How did it go?

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Hey @ZenRising thanks for the prompt!

Update:
Weird interaction from one of my dating app profiles. I got a bite from trolling my usual you must be an AI bot, you are too cute to be real routine. Not sure if it's a good opener, but it seems to work for me. In this case, this cute blonde responded back with her phone number. "Got time for a quick call?" Very fast. I appreciated that efficiency.

Turns out she was a casting director for a major network show and I fit the profile perfectly. (Not "Dance Moms Reunion" if that's what you were thinking.) Fascinating conversation about the ins and outs of the shooting schedule, selection process, etc. Turns out you've got to be sequestered for several months and I don't have the resources to miss work for that length of time. But in a couple years, who knows?

I kept pushing for a meetup and flirting hard -- she was having fun and I could tell it wasn't her ordinary process. For one, we talked for over an hour. It was interesting in that she was trolling for a particular profile of older men on dating apps. Not exclusively, there's a variety of ways that they select candidates, but it was very flattering that she reached out herself, and not one of her minions.

Arts Event:
Again, I noticed my severe social anxiety concerning going out to this event, even though I knew many if not most of the people there. I've got to record my self-talk sometime -- so many ridiculous excuses that I concoct, from bad-hair day, to didn't get enough sleep, to so-and-so might be there, and so on and on endlessly. That anxious monkey-mind chatter would be hilarious if it wasn't so self-defeating.

The art itself was a little avant garde for my pedestrian tastes, but I'm a big fan of the Black Mountain College approach, where various disciplines come together in interesting ways. So from that perspective, I really appreciated it. I knew a lot of the people there by sight, and a few were friends, but I've never fully been part of this social set of the cool, stylish art nerds, and it felt like I'd passed muster finally. I met a few really interesting people and exchanged numbers for future collaborations.

Was not introduced to the matchmakers' girl. I spotted a few cuties and did some fly-by flirting. Quite a few out-of-towners in attendance, and a couple of cute older women glommed on to me as their local guide. I could have picked up at least 3, maybe 4 numbers if I was in full mack mode. There was one tall girl that I didn't approach because I couldn't seem to isolate her. Turned out it was her. Let's call her Artsy Blonde. I didn't recognize her from the photos the matchmakers showed me earlier in the week because she had her abundant curly hair up. Made her more attractive. There's something about the nape of a pretty girl's neck that drives me nuts.

The afterparty was where all the action happened. A magnificent house from a famous architect, the integration of indoor and outdoor spaces was superb. The hostess was the one of the two ladies who wanted to set me up with Artsy Blonde, and said "Sorry, she's not here." Oh man, I was actually relieved. Time to resume flirting with other targets.

Turns out she did come -- the other matchmaking lady made the introduction: "Here's (insert my name), he's the one I was telling you about who wants to meet you." I said in mock dudgeon, "Wait a minute! I was told you were the one who wanted to meet me!" Got a laugh, and we started off on a high note. We sat by the fire for the next half hour and got to know each other. "The Inquisition Phase" of our relationship. She has an endearingly dorky way of scrunching up her face in delight.

I left early, probably too early, because I didn't have a plan for what to do next. I should have moved her around, got compliance, changed venues, tried to pull her back to mine, etc, all Pickup 101. In my defense, it's a rough time with business and I've really got knuckle down all day every day for the next week. Plus, I figured we live in the same town, know a lot of the same people, and it wouldn't do to push too hard in the same way I'd do with an out-of-town cutie or one from a completely different social circle.

Did not go in for hug. Did the handclasp instead. Held it a little too long perhaps, but we looked into each other's eyes as I cradled her hand in mine. I was getting a very sexy vibe. It will be my new go-to. Hugs are so platonic.

Limerance Girl:
I texted her with an invitation to a concert for when she gets back. I've got a pair of tickets for the whole festival and am selecting my seatmates. A buddy wants one, and I'm saving five shows for dates. So I offered limerance girl her choice of two different shows. I also texted "This is not a date." And also concluded "Did I mention this is not a date?"

No response nearly a day later. Oh well. I am surprisingly unaffected. It makes a huge difference when you've got options. I'm still getting a shiver every time my phone dings, but I can remember how much worse it has been in the past and I can appreciate how much progress I've made. Tonight it's home time recovery, gonna shoot for 10 hours of sleep. Tomorrow there's another event which should be good fun.

 

[Loverboy]

Hey Casanova, seems like Limerance Girl is on your mind quite a lot.

Not sure if relevant but I've fallen prey to limerence so often I've stopped counting. In my experience, I've seen two causes for limerence:

1. My own shitty attachment style. Craving intimacy and falling for girls wayyy too quickly. Solution: I read Deeper Dating which helped me reframe my craving for intimacy into a positive, profound desire for a beautiful love story. Nothing shameful here, actually it's a badge of bride. Ever since reading that book, I've learned to manage it by stopping to fall for the first cute girl around. I've learned to integrate and own this desire, I've stopped falling for women who are unavailable and who can't/won't meet me in the middle.
2. Toxic tango. Nothing beats a woman with borderline personality disorder to make your head and your heart spin on a rollercoaster. A BPD woman has this way to intoxicate you with the intensity of her drama, both in its highs and its lows. Took me years to get over a girlfriend with BPD. Brr... Lesson learned: when a relationship starts off too fast too high that's almost always a red flag. I've seen it around me as well.

Neurologically speaking, limerence in and of itself isn't bad. It's the natural "dopamine high" you get when you meet someone you're interested in. It's the initial motivator to get you to pursue that person. Every infatuation is limerence. "Problematic" limerence is when that motivational circuit doesn't resolve and keeps spinning over time. And the reason for that misplacement is almost always childhood stuff where your subconscious is latching onto something trying to meet some unconscious deep old needs.

Hope this makes sense!

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Thanks brother, good stuff! Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your wisdom as a fellow sufferer.

Attachment style makes a lot of sense, even though I resist it because my ex was obsessed with it, and framed every relationship hiccup as my avoidant and her anxious styles. Doesn't mean she was wrong. I grew up toward the end of a big family, and had a fraught relationship with my mother.

Thanks for the very helpful re-framing. I've had several very intense and exciting love affairs that I doubt most men could understand or handle. Limerance is a by-product of being a hopeless romantic who lives and loves out loud. Another part of the problem is that I do manage to seduce these women into relationships, when it would be healthier to seek a more equitable, reasonable partnership like I had with my most recent ex, a sane and rewarding relationship for 10 years (sane and rewarding by my standards, anyway).

At the moment I've got several warm leads on women who would be viewed as demonstrably more attractive and desirable than limerance girl, and yet I obsess about her all day. That's "problematic" as you note.

Hehe ... badge of bride ... paging Dr. Freud!

 

[Loverboy]

Hey man, happy to see I was correct. Psychoanalyzing people over the Internet is always a risky thing ehe.

At the moment I've got several warm leads on women who would be viewed as demonstrably more attractive and desirable than limerance girl, and yet I obsess about her all day.

Regarding limerence, I highly encourage you to read Deeper Dating, the book I linked before. It worked wonders for me. The book's thesis is the idea that when we repress core parts of ourselves (which the author calls "core gifts"), we tend to pair up with people who reject them too; but when we honor our core gifts, we tend to pair up with people who honor them in kind. The book also explains how relationships built around neglected core gifts come with this addictive dopamine spike, this impossible chase for something that the other person isn't going to provide.
Thinking back, in my case for a long time I have repressed my desire for a deep, beautiful love story. All my actions show a clear path in quest for intimacy, but verbally I've always kept my romantic pursuits a secret. And so, who did I pair up with: a few girls who already had boyfriends, a few travel romances, and a lot of girls with whom I created my own mental mess to distance myself from them. I've idealized tons of women from afar.
Ever since reading the book, I've started to openly wear my heart on my sleeve and openly affirm my desire to someday find that beautiful story I've been dreaming about all along. Now that I am making peace with that part of me, "impossible crushes" are few and far between because when I meet a woman I am assessing her over a very simple question: can she meet me in the middle, yes or no?

Limerance is a by-product of being a hopeless romantic who lives and loves out loud.

Hopeless romanticism isn't a curse per se. Years ago I came across this picture and it still perfectly encapsulates the ideal I'm chasing. Who wouldn't want to live a beautiful story? It's what we're all after; this hypersensitivity that drives us into hopeless romanticism is actually the key ingredient to build it. "Healthy" hypersensitive individuals are deeply empathetic with other people and make for great friends, colleagues, lovers, leaders.

Attachment style makes a lot of sense, even though I resist it because my ex was obsessed with it, and framed every relationship hiccup as my avoidant and her anxious styles. Doesn't mean she was wrong. I grew up toward the end of a big family, and had a fraught relationship with my mother.

Yes attachment styles is the new big thing in self-help psychology and women love it. It's like horoscope for them: "things didn't work out between us because my ascendant in Taurus wasn't compatible with his Jupiter in Libra".

Here's a little crash course "for dudes" on attachment theory:
Throughout different species (mostly mammals, I remember sheep and chimps), it has been observed that the offspring has an instinctive reflex to cling to a primary caregiver. This is because, while food is essential for immediate survival, the protection of an adult is essential for mid-term survival. The attachment instinct is a life force instinct in the youth, that's why you hear baby birds chirping so loudly to secure themselves the protection of their parents (food & predators).
We humans are a hyper social species. Even as adults, our survival very much depends on our social bonds. On top of it, we humans have big hyper complex brains that take a long time to fully mature. (*Why: evolutionarily speaking, women's bone structure has reached a limit where their hips can't widen further without introducing structural fragility in their legs; therefore humans need to be born before our heads and brains reach their mature size.) So for us, the attachment reflex serves both for food and security, but also to ensure the smooth development of our brains. In infancy, the role of a parent is to reassure a baby and to "calibrate" his emotions to the real world: "there there, it's fine, see, that wasn't a big deal".
How we were parented in infancy has a big impact throughout our lives. Ideally, we had loving, nurturing parents who could calibrate us correctly and equip us with the confidence that we could navigate life's challenges smoothly. But if for some reason, our parents didn't properly attune to us in moments of needs, our brains learn that the world isn't a safe place and that we need to develop alternative strategies to survive. That's where the "insecure attachment style" splits into anxious (hyper-attached, clings to mother, becomes hyper gregarious and struggles with being alone and self-regulation) or avoidant (learns to toughen up because you can't rely on anyone in this world).

More on this:

That was a lot! Hope this is insightful.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Thank you! I appreciate all the thoughts and experience you put into your replies. I will dig into that book. Sounds like you and I have similar situations and outlook.

Attachment theory makes a lot of sense and why wouldn’t it? Those first 18 months to two years of our lives are crucial.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Quiet night, got high-quality sleep, then back to work with a big deadline this week. It's going to take all I've got to get through it. But I'm already looking forward to a few quiet days of doing nothing ahead but long hikes in the wilds. Hopefully catch a few beautiful wild native trout in my favorite hidden hike-in creek.

With all the advice on this board, thank you @Loverboy, I will study up on attachment theory. It's not just chick crack, it's a fundamental framing of our earliest bonding. As deep down into the birth order, I didn't get a lot of attention from my burnt-out and overwhelmed mother, so I had to learn to be self-reliant and figure out things for myself. That's good, but where it feeds into dysfunction is that I feel like I have to make up that attention deficit through relationships with women. It also explains why I struggle to talk about myself, because why would anyone else find it interesting? Even though, objectively, I've led a fascinating life. Thanks mom! (Happy Mother's Day to all you out there with living moms, I hope yours was more caring and affectionate than mine).

Speaking of fundamentals, I am going to go back to work on mine. My weight has crept back up 6-7 pounds since I got it down to the lowest since my 30s. I crave the comfort of food. Gotta re-establish a healthier relationship with all that deliciousness out there. Better I deal with it now, and not when it creeps up 25-30 pounds as it did during the pandemic. I quit drinking, am cooking 90 percent of my meals, but since I gave up the booze, my sweet-salt tooth has been re-activated and I'm eating M&Ms and peanuts by the heaping handfuls.

Artsy Blonde:
No reply. She seemed keen so I was mystified. But after reading some of Chase's Texting series, I see that I should have built in more comfort after I got the number. It's also possible that she's feeling a little overwhelmed, her friends are pestering her for updates, the state shift from a high-energy social situations is too big a gap to relate to me when it's quiet time, she finds me a little intimidating (my public profile is fairly high in this small-town) or I completely mis-read the signals and she just wasn't feeling it. Who knows?

Should I send another text? A gentle ping to let her know I'm out here? Or let it drop. The problem is that in our small town the number of attractive available women is small. That's part of the reason why I got hooked on limerance girl in the first place.

Of all the women I've met in the four months since limerance girl and I were messing around, Artsy Blonde is the leading contender for a decent shot at a relationship, so yes, it does sting a bit. I felt like I gave her a bright burst of charm, established rapport, did some deep diving, had a nice amount of fun and funny repartee, etc.

Having been contacted by casting director for a big reality show has been an ego boost, but I knew I was exceptional already, why would I need external validation? And even with it, why am I so bummed about Artsy Blonde not texting back? Or why limerance girl broke up with me and placed me in the friend zone? I should be independent of outcome, enjoying the journey, be entirely self-fulfilled. And I'm not. There's work to do.

Limerance Girl:
She did text back just after I posted yesterday. We had a super-fun joke-filled banter. She's got a great sense of humor and she appreciates mine. I'm sure I could have kept it going for another few rounds, but I wanted to the first one to exit. She seems excited to hang out when she gets back in June. So we will see how it goes. I'd like to say I'm not pinning a lot of hopes on it, but I'd be lying to myself. I will manage those expectations though. I've got a few options right now and that helps.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Not ten minutes after I (thought I'd) posted up the above entry, Artsy Blonde texted back apologizing for crazy busy weekend and affirming that she enjoyed meeting me as well. I suggested a meet up later in the week, when I get off deadline, she seemed eager. So much for my worries that she wasn't into me.

She's quite striking, tall and elegant; a fancy pony, my favorite kind. I'm not placing a lot of expectations on it, but she'd be just what I need to get over limerance girl. Since limerance girl and I texted yesterday, I've been thinking about her a lot. Now I have a legitimate distraction, who might be hotter or at least just as hot.

Last night at the local pub it was a Mother's Day storytelling event, organized by a friend of mine. None of my crew showed up to support her besides myself, but I stuck with it and had an interesting time. No babes to mack on, as I had hoped. But friendly vibes. There were only two people signed up to tell stories about their mothers, but others followed after they'd gone through their routines. I could tell they were practiced storytellers, and as a recently training standup, I can appreciate the very different skillsets required.

Since I'd been thinking of attachment theory, as outlined by @Loverboy, I was inspired to talk about my mother. Everyone else had lotsa love for their moms, my situation was complicated. I told everyone she spent my college money that I so assiduously saved for the six years I was in the military and took my life completely off track without so much as an expression of apology or regret on her part. She never, not once, said she loved me, at least not since I was age 5 or so.

Then I talked about what a kitchen wizard she was, and from growing up hillbillies, she always had the freshest ingredients to work with from our farm, or from what we foraged, hunted or fished. She truly created magic in the kitchen, recreating all the dishes she saw Julia Child create, or found in her housekeeping magazines, inventing many of her own. I was going to culminate by saying that food was her love language, but I got all choked up. There's something going on there that I probably need to examine. I wasn't the only one who got tears in their eyes, in fact most people did. I experienced a sense of oneness with the crowd. I'm known as a stoic soldier but sometimes it's good to let down my guard to let people know that I'm not all of one thing. So long as I don't make a habit out of it.

It's going to be a crazy week, not sure how often I will be able to post. Even with all the business problems, money problems (those two are inextricable) and not having a romantic partner, I am actually feeling pretty good.

 

[gameboy]

I can see myself reflected in that story about your mother. She didn't exactly take money from me, but our relationship wasn't easy, either. For both of us, as she told me.

I'd wager a guess that more than one person in the audience was able to relate to your story. How brave of you to speak out this way in public!

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Crazy deadline this week. Got through it in OK fashion. In fact, I'm quite proud that I juggled so many competing interests and kept everything on track. But I blew deadline on another project to focus on this one. This is the first time in a very long time that I overestimated my capacity. Part of it is that I just don't have the grindset mindset of days of yore when I could work around the clock in 30+ hour stretches. It's also partly because I could afford to relax. So what if the other project is couple weeks late? I'll make up for it next year.

Tomorrow morning I've got a walk-and-talk with the tall artsy blonde. I'm genuinely looking forward to it. I'm not overwhelmed with lust for her like I am for limerance girl, but I wasn't feeling like that with limerance girl til I got to know her better and went into seduction mode.

Speaking of which, I've got an engagement with her when she gets back in June. I told her twice it wasn't a date, she immediately started pressing me on what to wear, etc. and I called her Cinderella and we had great banter, in fact she tested "ur hilarious." That's the finest compliment in her arsenal, the equivalent of slinging 10 inches of tube steak for most women.

That weekend in June I've got two choice seats to the hottest show in town - six concerts in four days, and only one of the plus-one tickets is spoken for. If things go well with Artsy Blonde, I might invite her to two shows, and still have a few left over for other cuties.

Big public speaking engagement last night. I came ill-prepared but I'm getting good at extemporaneous speaking. The secret is to get out quickly. I've got a well-stocked quiver with quips and jokes that I can deploy strategically. I only wish there were a few cuties there to be wowed and wooed while I worked the crowd.

This weekend will be busy; a big all-hands meeting with an organization to which I am very new, a memorial for a dear friend who passed, but I will still take time for myself. On the extraversion-introversion spectrum I lean about 70 percent introverted, and after all the social engagements of the past week or so, I've got to get some "me" time and catch up on reading. Attachment theory will be part of that list, thanks @Loverboy and I also need to figure out how to get my hands on an extra ten grand or so to catch up on past-due bills.

Being self-employed is absolutely wonderful 90 percent of the time; and 10 percent it's terrifying. I am just now coming out of the terrifying portion but I still have a ways to go. Long term things look good, if not great. I'm grateful every day, and have to pinch myself frequently. From where I started in life to where I am now is an unbelievable journey, and it's not over yet.

I also want to reflect on what it is I want from a relationship. Racking up the numbers no longer appeals to me. Neither does re-creating any of my past relationships, if I'm being honest.

It's probably a bad idea, but I am thinking of reaching out to my ex to see what happened from her point of view. Why she turned disrespectful toward me. What did I do to make her think it was OK for her to have that low simmer of contempt? Was it just about the money disparity? I do OK but she was very wealthy, and became more so through a few lucky investments during the pandemic, just when my business went right to the brink.

My ulterior motive is to see if she's found anyone else - and maybe if I could score a nostalgia fuck. But last time, she reached out and I allowed her back in my life for six months that wasn't all bad, but nothing had changed. I broke it off with a couple of ridiculously pretty albeit too-young girls that I could have kept in orbit, but now have lost contact with them. I thought it'd be easy to re-create that situation, but I was wrong.

My physical fitness is another area of concern. My teeth need (expensive) work. My energy levels are low. My workouts are becoming perfunctory and joyless. Have my T levels dropped? Feels like it. I only took testosterone once for 6 months and it really worked. Maybe time for another round.

Hoping to get out off-grid for three nights next weeks for a solo camping and fishing adventure. I feel like that will help immensely with my peace of mind and motivation.

I haven't been approaching much (my work schedule has kept me isolated) but am still being friendly to passersby with gestures and big smiles and sincere hellos. Now that I'm off the worst of my deadlines, I will get back on it.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Quick Update:
My plans to escape next week will go on hold til week after. I've got to burn and churn on work next week.

Went for morning jaunt with Artsy Blonde. She's very friendly with a low-key energy. Her dog is slow af and kinda annoying, but very very sweet. I ran the Cube on her with great success. She was impressed and I could feel her energy shift toward attraction. I got in a lot of touching, gentle guiding and arm clasps. Ended with a nice hug and hand clasp. She's a cutie and I like her.

Texted a couple hours later with some jokey banter about the dog and a few other inside jokes that I've established for us. She replied promptly. I invited her to dinner either Saturday or Sunday, she chose Sunday. I love to cook for other people, especially women.

Tomorrow there's a couple events - one is a gathering of artists residing in this colony-like apartment complex that I've been admitted to, but am still on the waiting list. I've met a couple of cuties at their events over the years, will see what's happening. The other is a memorial service for a dear friend. I believe that some of his friends will gather up in the evening for drinks in his memory, so I won't be able to self-isolate as I so often do.

Will report back.