Loner Problem: Need Basic Social Skills & Friends

[Jack Swave]

Hey Guys,

My first post here and I'm glad to be on the boards. I want to get straight to my problem. I'm a freshman in college and have sucked with women all my life. I was the biggest shit in school in every area. I played soccer, did swimming, volleyball, debate, library club, and Christian club. And I failed at them all, even in Christian club. Imagine that? A place where persons should be accepting of others differences but I wasn't accepted. I never belonged anywhere as long as I can remember myself. I talk to people and some are nice but never deep dive me and the majority ignore me outright. I used to chat up people on facebook but I closed my account because my messages were always ignored.

I don't know why but I suspect it is because people think I'm a freshman loser loner. Where I am being popular is the right of passage to being seen as someone or having some skill even just good social skills. I feel that I wasted all my time in school because even though I participated in lots of activities and talked to people I still have no friends. Just me, myself and I. And those 3 people still don't add up to be evhyen one friend. I feel like the total social outcast. I'm never invited to parties and fraternities because no one likes me. It's like they don't care if i live or die. Probably I'll have a quiet funeral with just my immediate family who probably wont miss me so I don't give a shit anymore.

All my problems started in my family from I was little. Me and my brothers never got along and so too my parents. The entire family was one big mess as the police was at my home every month or so because someone got in a fight and stabbed someone. My grandfather died when my dad and uncle got in a knife war and stabbed him accidentally. I cried out my eyes every day and I grew up in a chaotic environment.

My mom was okay though, she I could talk to but dad was a drug addict and would beat my mom when he came home from work and then he would come in my room and beat the hell out of me and my brothers ( who I despised ); we could never get along.

Because of all the rejection I received from my family and the abuse I grew up really shy and afraid nd it affected me at school real bad. Students picked up on my behavior of being shy and afraid so picked on me and I didn't know how to defend myself. I got into a lot of fights with the boys ( and girls ) and I lost every fight. They would gang up on me after school and I'd have to run to the gate as soon as school was over. And I was teased by girls constantly because of how small and weak I was. This makes me feel treatened and I am bitter towards girls.

I just want to have a fucking normal life like everyone else and I never had that. I feel the problem came from my home environment because I never felt loved and because they say the home is the first school and whatever you learn at home goes with you into the world. Living in a home where I learned to never be loved and always be hated is what I'm carrying around with me everyday. That's a lot of baggage if you ask me. ABUSE. REJECTION. OSTRACIZED.

Now that I'm in college I want to make a change because I have always sucked and want to finally win at something. Also because I've been battling with suicidal feelings for a long time now. YES EVEN TODAY I JUST WANTED TO DIE BUT BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCCESS I BELIEVE I'M STILL ALIVE NOW TO MAKE A CHANGE.

I lack basic social skills and calibration and because of that it's easy to hate me. As soon as people meet me and the initial " hi " is past I get rejected. I know some of you will say get used to rejection and don't give a shit but I'm not going to go get rejected anymore just to improve. I'm fighting suicide and I have no one to talk to; no family, no friends. My mom is supporting me and paying the college fees but I'm living on campus and can't see her; but even if I did see her she wouldn't be able to help me.

Cold approach is like hell for me; I've tried it for 6 months now and have been getting rejected like crazy. I have good fashion, i don't smell, I'm not rude to the girls and I'm working on my fundamentals. The problem I have is not so much about improving my fundamentals but improving my mental health so I can attract people to me. I'm tired of being burnt by people in general. Yes I'm socially awkward lacking in basic social skills. What I need is a social circle, even a good family would help because at least I have support. Doing another cold approach isn't the solution, what I need is friends or some form of social support. But because I lack the skills girls are creeped out by me cold approaching them and when I do social circle stuff talking to people in general I make a lot of mistakes and am once more ostracized and bullied by those people. I literally skipped going to classes today because I don't want to be picked on and cause girls who never saw me before to avoid me when they see how others treat me. The college is having a party tomorrow and not even my room mate wants me there.


I could go on and on but I'll keep typing forever. Could someone, anyone help me out becuause I'm on the verge of commiting suicide. I'm sorry if this brings a negative vibe to the boards and I'm sorry if all the suicide talk scares you. I don't know any other way to state my problems I don't think all the techniques will help if my mind is so fucked up. Help anyone???

 

[luego]

What are you GOOD at? You mention an number of sports. If you've got a strength, try getting into a situation where that is self-evident. If you're good at volleyball, people there will often want to talk TO YOU.

But I'm assuming you're just socially awkward, and it's leading into a horribly self-perpetuating cycle. Do you have someone you can shadow, so you can mimic socially appropriate conversation? You're probably just doing something stupid and relatively easy to fix, like coming across cocky out of fear, or putting out an uncomfortable enough vibe that it makes people nervous.

There's nothing wrong with being a freshman. Even many of the people you're idolizing feel like morons 80% of the time.

If you're this poorly socially calibrated, I'd stop worrying about meeting WOMEN, and focus on meeting PEOPLE. Then snowball that success.

 

[ray_zorse]

Well firstly dude, things can get better, but the further behind the starting line you are when you set out, the more hard work you will have to do to fix things up and start living a normal life.

Do you have what it takes?

I'm hearing a lot of negative self-talk and blaming others for your problems. We all got problems bud and if you're just looking to vent that's okay (even if it is kinda a value-taking move) but what we teach here is positivity, a can-do approach and taking massive, targeted action to fix your problems one step at a time.

If that's what you want to do then I'm sure you'll find a lot of warmth, support, encouragement and concrete advice from the dudes here, many of whom have walked your path or one like it.

On the other hand if you want to wallow in misery, reject all the advice you're given and continually threaten suicide then don't do it here. You kill yourself, I'm not responsible, up to you...

Now to specifics.
1. Read the book "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw. And I recommend that before you open the book you commit to doing everything it says in part 2 which is basically a step by step guide to restoring a normal mental function for someone who has grown up in a dysfunctional environment.
2. Read Chase's ebook "How to make girls chase", specifically the section on value. I suspect the reason you're having trouble making friends is that you are approaching people from a value-taking perspective. Think of yourself as a product... why would people buy you if you do not add anything to their lives? Remember, nobody owes you a living and nor do they owe you their companionship. They'll give it freely if it's mutually beneficial to do so.
3. Get yourself out of the house to talk to people every single day. If you don't have a job get one. Or start a course of study (sounds like you're already a student; are you talking to people in your classes?)... join a club or society... something low pressure like hiking or bushwalking might work, so you can practice just being with people and spending time and not feeling you have to be "on" or energized or talking the whole time.

Lastly, if you choose not to follow any of these suggestions then do not whinge about it to me, I couldn't care less.

-Ray

 

[Troy]

Wow. Sounds like a value problem just as Ray said. Just work hard dude

 

[Jack Swave]

Luego,

I can't think of anything I'm good at. All the sports I listed above I did badly at. Yes I am extremely socially awkward and I have a voice that makes people annoyed. And because those things aren't fixed I mess up with everyone I meet before getting anywhere with them.

I see guys who do well and I've tried emulating them but something is still off and no one is willing to tell me what I need to work on. I've asked for help and I've asked persons to tell me where I'm going wrong. I definitely am putting out a awkward vibe that makes people uncomfortable. I'll enter a conversation where everyone is laughing and the moment I open my mouth everyone is squinching like they just heard the most horrible sound in history.

Ray_zorse,

I wasn't blaming others for my problems; I was simply stating what I went through in the past to give a clear idea of what I'm going through. If I didn't let ya'll know that I went through abuse, bullying and ostracism then it would give the wrong impression that I am coming from a stable background. I said it as it is and didn't make it sound nice because it's 1000 times worse in real life than what I wrote.

I don't want to wallow in misery because I'm sick of that now. I might have a negative mindset now and that's the main reason I came here and got right to the point. I want to change but have no clue. I assure you I won't reject any advice I'm given because this is my last option; I've got nothing else and no one to turn to.

I really try to provide value to people. Recently a guy I speak with occasionally came to me and asked that i lend him $10 and I lent him and he hasen't paid me back yet but I'm not sweating it. I help out a girl with her homework and I lend my help to people whatever way I can and they still ignore me. I contact people on special occasions and wish them greetings. I lent a team mate my extra shirt so he coild train in. I buy a bag of sweets and share it up with my class mates and later on im still not welcome in their conversation. Its like im giving so much and getting nothing in return. They take what they want and will even walk past me without saying hi when I'm on campus. I suck at converation and making people comfortable though. What kind of value are you talking about because the value I provide doesn't impact them in any way?

I'm at school 5 days a week and talk to people but I always am the one to approach me since they dont like being around me despite me adding value.

 

[ray_zorse]

Bubinile it's good that you're providing value, I suppose one thing to be aware of is giving value then immediately trying to take value, it makes it look too much like an exchange rather than something that was freely given. Also about your $10 if you lent it to the dude then be sure to hassle him until you get it back, otherwise you look like a doormat.

Did you actually read the value section in the ebook? Cos if you did you'd understand about explicit value vs implicit value. Implicit value is more the kind of vibe you're trying to give off -- that you're basically a fun person to have around because of your good mood, fairness, ability to solve social problems and provide stuff like introductions, encouragement and so forth -- that's just off the top of my head, there's no point my writing a book here, I can point you in the right direction but you must put the time and effort in to uncover and apply the info u need.

If you feel your voice is putting people off then get yourself a voice coach, that's one of the first things I did and I still have a way to go but my voice is a lot better and yours can be also!

Come to think of it, some acting lessons too might not hurt, so you can learn what messages you are giving out with your body language and correct it. I was amazed in school in drama class when my teacher put on a bird mask, then not only looked like a bird but actually "became" a bird, body language is everything. See, if you introduce yourself to someone in a voice you're not happy with and your body language is weak and supplicating then of course they are likely to be put off.

Although I must say I have trouble taking your words literally, that people are rejecting you before you get past hello, my money is on the value issue and I think you are exaggerating. So in the future instead of generalizing "People always x" why don't you post a specific interaction "I spoke to a person. He/she was x, y and z. My voice was on point but my body language was a, b and c. I said blah, she responded blah blah. Then she i, j, and k. Where did I go wrong, what could I have done better?".

Don't respond to this post until you've taken action. Then report what you did. Thanks.

-Ray

 

[Tim Iron]

In my first 2 years of University I was like that. However, I suggest that you:

1.) improve you appearance by dressing trendy and grooming yourself properly
2.) Stop trying too hard and start using the law of least effort when trying to make friends. Don't buy sweets and give everyone, it makes you sound needy.
3.) Join the martial arts club in your University (this one really helped me a lot to build my confidence). PLEASE JOIN ANY MARTIAL ARTS CLUB. I advise you join Kung fu or Karate (I hate Taekwondo). I did kung fu for 4 years in University and I enjoyed it because my instructor was a very understanding guy.
4.) Start by making comments and try to understand a conversation properly so that you don't say the wrong things.
5.) Try to learn about games, movies, music and entertainment stuff so that when you classmates are talking about these things, you can contribute something to the discussion.
6.) As for the guy that you borrowed $10 from you, go and ask him about your money in a polite and stern manner. Just because you don't have friends does not give anybody the right to cheat you.
7.) Everyday practice talking by adding more bass (baritone) in your voice. This would give you that confident voice that makes people want to hear you.
8.) Talk to your mom on the phone everyday - I still do it till now. It makes you feel like somebody in the world cares about you.
9.) Keep telling yourself that as long as you keep improving yourself, you would get to the point where you would have friends that like you.
10.) Try to watch a lot of comedies everyday to make you laugh.

I would list some others when I think of them. Remember I was like you in my first 2 years of University and I overcame it.

Luego,

I can't think of anything I'm good at. All the sports I listed above I did badly at. Yes I am extremely socially awkward and I have a voice that makes people annoyed. And because those things aren't fixed I mess up with everyone I meet before getting anywhere with them.

I see guys who do well and I've tried emulating them but something is still off and no one is willing to tell me what I need to work on. I've asked for help and I've asked persons to tell me where I'm going wrong. I definitely am putting out a awkward vibe that makes people uncomfortable. I'll enter a conversation where everyone is laughing and the moment I open my mouth everyone is squinching like they just heard the most horrible sound in history.

Ray_zorse,

I wasn't blaming others for my problems; I was simply stating what I went through in the past to give a clear idea of what I'm going through. If I didn't let ya'll know that I went through abuse, bullying and ostracism then it would give the wrong impression that I am coming from a stable background. I said it as it is and didn't make it sound nice because it's 1000 times worse in real life than what I wrote.

I don't want to wallow in misery because I'm sick of that now. I might have a negative mindset now and that's the main reason I came here and got right to the point. I want to change but have no clue. I assure you I won't reject any advice I'm given because this is my last option; I've got nothing else and no one to turn to.

I really try to provide value to people. Recently a guy I speak with occasionally came to me and asked that i lend him $10 and I lent him and he hasen't paid me back yet but I'm not sweating it. I help out a girl with her homework and I lend my help to people whatever way I can and they still ignore me. I contact people on special occasions and wish them greetings. I lent a team mate my extra shirt so he coild train in. I buy a bag of sweets and share it up with my class mates and later on im still not welcome in their conversation. Its like im giving so much and getting nothing in return. They take what they want and will even walk past me without saying hi when I'm on campus. I suck at converation and making people comfortable though. What kind of value are you talking about because the value I provide doesn't impact them in any way?

I'm at school 5 days a week and talk to people but I always am the one to approach me since they dont like being around me despite me adding value.

 

[Tim Iron]

Bubinile, I sent you a private message (PM). If you want someone to talk to everyday online so that you feel that you are not alone, then I would be your online friend because I am always online from 9pm - 2am (my time zone is GMT+1). However when it comes to getting girls, you are better off asking the questions here on the forum so that you can get different advice and you can pick the best that suits you. -_-

 

[Drck]

Couple things...

1. What is wrong with being a loner? It is your nature. You may not like it, you may feel different, but it is what it is. Loners are more self-reliant, more independent, they walk their own way. Loners have unique experiences, they see the world under unique point of view, they are different than others. As a loner you don't follow anybody's footsteps. Your are not a follower, you walk your own way. Those are actually good things. So in stead of fighting it, embrace it. Find your own way, have your own mind. Find good and positive things on being a loner, embrace those things. In this World, there must be at least 10,000 loners, and most likely much much more... So no, you are far away of being alone loner...

2. What is failure? What is defeat? Failure and defeats are only imaginations of your mind. If an average guy had to create a light bulb, he would give up after 10 tries. Maybe 100, and only then he would admit a failure. He would admit failure because it would be reasonable to admit failure. But what did Edison do? He kept going regardless what reason told him, . He kept trying and trying, each time with different light bulb. He was a stubborn fucker, he tried 1,000 times... No, 2,000 times... I don't know exactly how many times he really tried, I heard about number as high as 10,000... He defeated his Reason 10,000 times.... The whole point is, once they ask him about all these 10,000 failures he said something like: I have not failed. I only discovered 10,000 ways that don't work...

Imgainge, this fucker didn't admit a failure even after 10,000 times... He refused failure, all he saw was success.... Is there anything reasonable to repeat the same thing over and over 10,000 times, until it works? Reasonable guy would never do it, it is insanity, it is "not normal"... Nevertheless, that is why reasonable people are never successful, they justify their failures. But thanks to this fucker everybody has a light bulb in their house today. This fucking guy should be celebrated more for his words than for all those light bulbs, because he not only discovered the fucking light bulbs but mainly he discovered way how to defeat failure... He defeated failure by not being reasonable at all, he defeated failure by trying 10,000 times...

Anyway, you simply don't give up, you simply can't give up, giving up is not an option. There is no such thing as failure. You just keep rolling forward brother, day by day, and if it is going to take 10,000 more fucking days it is going to take 10,000 fucking days... There is no giving up, there are simply no other option...

3. There is currently about 3.5 billion guys on this planet - how many of them can really play socker or swim above average? 10,000? Not too many. Most of those 3.5 billions guys don't give a damn about these things you are talking about at first place. So, maybe, mabye in stead of focusing on these useless activities, maybe you want find out what is really important to you. Maybe it is not 20 different things that everybody else likes. Maybe it is just 2 or 3 that no so many do but that are important to you... Maybe you want to repeat those important things 10,000 times... Maybe even more times....??

4. There is lots of negativity in your text, which is understandable, and you seem quite depressed. But some of your negativity is not really that bad, it is just your perception. Those things you are describing are just general problems for many guys.... Let's look at some:

* "I have sucked with women all my life"
>>>> Welcome to the club, if we were great with women none of us would be here at first place. You are actually lucky to be here, many guys don't even admit they have a problem. Have you tried 10,000 women already? 1,000?? Have you failed at least 100 times already? If not, well - Start fucking failing already!

* "I suspect it is because people think I'm a freshman loser loner"
>>>> You are assuming things which may not be true. Sometimes, many times these assumptions become self-fulfilling prophecy. We keep ASSUMING some things for long time - until they really happen. The assumptions itself might be used for positive things too though. For example, you can ASSUME ATTRACTION in stead of assuming being a loser. It might take some time, but eventually things will turn around... So, ASSUME good things, ASSUME success, ASSUME attration - and eventually it will hapen... How many assumptions it really takes before some change is noted - 10,000...?? Well, let it be that way then...

* "I just want to have a fucking normal life like everyone else and I never had that"
>>>> What is that even mean, the "Normal Life" at first place? Was Edison "normal"? IMO there is no such thing as "normal", but I could be wrong. I think I know what you are saying though, you are looking for some happiness, some girl(s) that you can share your happiness with, some appreciation from others, some people that would respect you and appreciate you for who you are... I agree, that is how Life should be, idealy. But we don't live in an Ideal World, we live in Fucked up World....

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you - some people were born into a good Life, good Family and Good environment.... They get Good Girls without moving a finger... Others have to work very hard to get the same things or girls.... Is it fair or not? I'll leave the answer to the One who can Judge as I simply have no clue... Maybe this World plainly sucks? Maybe not. Maybe it is all about the effort we are willing to put into making our lives better... Either way, it is what it is, it is not good and it is not bad.... it is simply just the way it is... Maybe it is about the light shining out of those fucking bulbs..??

* "I lack basic social skills and calibration and because of that it's easy to hate me"
>>>> Ok, welcome to the club (again). Social skills were not given to anyone. Those skills are not a gift, but they can be developed. Sometimes it takes weeks. Other times years, and another times 10,000 days... Have you already tried 10,000 days? At least 1,000? Some have it easy because they grew up in great family where most have great social skills... All they have to do is to simply turn the light swich on and it workds for them, the fucking light goes on the second they touch the switch.. Others are not so fortunate, they have quite difficulties and it takes them long time. They have to invent the fucking light bulb so they can see at night at first place. Which sucks, but it is what it is. The good thing is that social skills can be learned, at least up to some point. And yes, that takes time... How long, 10 days? 100? Or 10,000? Don't give up brother, there is no such things as failure...

* "My mom is supporting me and paying the college fees BUT"
>>>> Eh, fuck NO. There is no BUT. That fucking BUT of yours doesn't exist. Your mom simply loves you, she loves you the best way she can, and that is it. The sentence ends right there, there is no fucking BUT. Grow up. She is already helping you and supporting you, she already fed you for many years, she never asked you to pay anything back and she never will... If she could she would feed you and nurture for another 10,000 days, but maybe she can't... And if you are away you are away, that is just the way it is... maybe it is for your own good... So you should be thankful for the next 10,000 days that you have such great mother at first place... Just be greatful for your mom for the next 10,000 days...

* "Cold approach is like hell for me; I've tried it for 6 months now and have been getting rejected like crazy"
>>>> I say fuck the cold approach then. Try hot approach instead, see if it is working out for you. Don't follow others, walk your own way, do things that works for you... Forget 6 months, that is easy, everybody here can do that. How about trying 10,000 days...??

* "The problem I have is not so much about improving my fundamentals but improving my mental health so I can attract people to me."
>>>> The real problems is that you want people to like you, to love you, to be attracted to you... By this effort and by seeking this kind of love you are exerting neediness and clinginess, which itself is quite unattractive. People simply don't like it, they try to avoid it, so they avoid you.... You are trying too much to make others to like you - which results the exact opposite... Basically, on one side you are seeking love and attraction because you feel that you never received it, and on the other the same effort causes you most of the problems you are describing...

Balance is needed... drop the desire to be loved and to be attractive, that is the only way to get it... Good way is to learn Acceptance, Relaxation and Meditaion... How long? Does 10,000 days sound reasonable...? If not, good, maybe it is just what it is...

* "I'm tired of being burnt by people in general"
>>>> People don't burn you. The sad thing is that most don't care about you at all, that is true reality, most people simply care only about themselves only... What burns you is your expectation of what these people should think and feel about you... Those are the real things that burn you...

* "Yes I'm socially awkward lacking in basic social skills"
>>>> See, in essence you are on the Hunt. You are Chasing people and Chasing girls. You are Chasing great and happy Life. You are trying to prove yourself to people so you can have those happy things and people.... You want people - especially girls - to like you, to be attracted to you, to love you, even to feel sorry for you... You want them to give you a good Life and Great Family that you think you never had... But Life, Life unfortunatelly doesn't work that way.... The more you want these things from people the more people run away... The more you feel Victim the futher people run away from you... ...

5. You grew up in quite a chaotic envrironment, which is unfortunate, and it obviously bother you. Maybe you are a Victim and you suffer for other people's fault... IMO, it is not really your fault, you didn't cause this, you just grew up in it, and your current mind set is a product of that environment. ..The good thing is that with some effort you can change that mind set... Maybe this fucking Life is not about things we can't change.... Maybe, just maybe it is all about things we can... Maybe it is all about those 10,000 fucking light bulbs that each of us can discover...

6. As above, join a fucking Martial Arts club if you can. Fight. Fight for the next ten thousands days, and try to fight at least ten thousand men...

 

[Drck]

Hey Bubinile, I know it was loooong but I didn't finish, so just quickly:

7. I strongly recommend to see a doctor. It is better to be evaluated for depression by specialist than deal with it on your own. You have suicidal thoughs, you are isolating, that is nothing to play with. You need to go to see somebody who deals with it on daily bases, nobody here is qualified to help you over the Internet.

8. Join some group where people have similar problems. You are probably not an alcoholic or drug user, but just for the heck of it, try to visit local Alcoholic Anonymous (or Narcotic Anonymous), it is free and voluntary. Those people are usually recovering addicts and alcoholics, many of them have depression and very interesting life stories that they share with the group voluntarily. They support each other in sobriety, talk about their problems, listen to suggestions., taking it day by day,.... You don't have to even say anything, you can just sit in the back and listen. Go couple of times, and you might get quite different perspective on life, many of them are good people, just victims of unfortunate life circumstances which they couldn't deal with.... There is lots of suffering out there, you are not alone... Another good group is NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness). Again, there are many good people (most are normal, not everyone is "crazy"), and many/most of them suffer depression... Just a thought...

Good luck and don't give up bro, Life be tough...

 

[ray_zorse]

Re suggestion no. 8 I go to "co dependents anonymous" which is based on AA, its a twelve step program for people who experience dysfunctional relationships due to shame issues oe the environment in which they were raised. I could have also gone to over-eaters anon. See John Bradshaw.

 

[Drck]

Hi Bubinile,

Here is something more specific to your text: “I don't want to wallow in misery because I'm sick of that now. I might have a negative mindset now and that's the main reason I came here and got right to the point. I want to change but have no clue”

>>>>
So first, change is possible and there are several ways. There are different groups and professional help as already suggested. There are different psycho-analysis and different psych techniques. A good one and modern one is called “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy”

There is also many things you can try or do on your own, personally I like Affirmations, I believe that affirmations work the best. Here is a good and quick technique:

1. First try to totally relax, close your eyes. Relax your muscles in the entire body, including your facial muscles, relax your mind, and focus on breathing. Try to calm down, let go off all problems and excitements. Try to do this first before you go to sleep, and also when you wake up. Later on you can add these affirmations throughout the day. They don’t have to last long, even couple of minutes is good enough, the trick is in persistency – instead of doing affirmations once per week for 20 minutes, do twice a day for 2-5 minutes, every single day. You basically want to flood your brain with new positive thoughts through repetition, and you want your brain flooded with those positive thoughts

2. The affirmations itself are not that difficult. You take old statement that is negative, and you change it to positive. At the same time keep it real.

Here is an example of WRONG affirmation, I’m going to use your text:

*** “… I suspect it is because people think I'm a freshman loser loner”
>>>> Possible affirmation (that is wrong): “I don’t want to be freshman loser loner”
It is WRONG because you changed negative statement with another negative statement. You are still focusing on “loser loner”, so your mind sees you as “Loser + Loner”. You are still flooding your mind with "Loser + Loner"
Here is more positive statement: “I used to think that I am a loser but now I understand that I am a good person who desires success and wants positivity”
You basically switched it around, now the emphasis is on “good person”. Your mind now sees “Me + Good Person + Success + Positivity”

Simply imagine that your subconscious mind is a primitive calculator. You enter negative values – it gives you negative results. You enter positive values – it gives you positive results. That it is, there is no trick to it.

**** Another one: “I feel that I wasted all my time in school because even though I participated in lots of activities and talked to people I still have no friends”
>>>> This whole statement is very negative. You keep repeating negative after negative, then you justify it, and then you confirm it. Your mind calculates: “I wasted all time + I participated + talking a lot + no friends anyway”. So what does your mind calculate as a result? It spits the results at you: “No matter what I do, everything I do is useless. There is no reason to be happy, so I’ll just be miserable”. And then you go and keep repeating the same, in one big loop, over and over…
See the problem? Your mind ASSUMES negative results, and no matter what you do you WILL get those negative results. That is just how it works.

So try to change it to more positive affirmations. Example: “I spent a good amount of time in school and I participated in lots of activities, which is really good. I gained valuable experience by talking to different people. There are friends out there, and many people can be good friends because people are good”
Notice that the whole statement is now positive and it is also true. Now your mind calculates totally different result: “Good amount of time + lots of activities + all is good + valuable experience + talking + friends are out there + people are good”
See the difference? Now your mind calculator associates your school activity with positive outcome and friends. Now your mind is ready for more input. Now your mind ASSUMES positive results. With the same token, your results WILL eventually turn out positive. There is no other way, it is not a miracle, that is simply how our minds work.

*** Another negative one: “I feel like the total social outcast. I'm never invited to parties and fraternities because no one likes me. It's like they don't care if i live or die”.
>>>> Your mind calculator calculates the following: “Feeling like total outcast + never invited + no one likes me + no one cares + just die + who cares”
See that huge problem? Your mind ASSUMES negativity, and it spits the negativity back at you. So change it, for example:
“I used to feel like social outcast and because of that I was not invited to parties, and that is OK, it is not important. Now I see it much better, now I am gaining social skills. My social skills are getting much better and better, they are better every day. People are good and some of them care”
See the difference? Your mind calculates: “Ok, didn’t really have many social skills + which is ok, it is no big deal + but I am gaining socials skills now + and I’m getting better every day at it + I’m really getting better + people are good + some people really care”. Now your mind ASSUMES positive outcome again.

*** Another negative one. This is your true statement, your life as you see it: “All my problems started in my family from I was little. Me and my brothers never got along and so too my parents. The entire family was one big mess as the police was at my home every month or so because someone got in a fight and stabbed someone. My grandfather died when my dad and uncle got in a knife war and stabbed him accidentally. I cried out my eyes every day and I grew up in a chaotic environment”
>>>> Your mind calculates: “All my problems since being little + me and brother got never along + my parents never got alone + entire family big mess + police every month + fights and stabbing + grandfather died + knife war + stabbing + crying my eyes out every day + grew up in chaos”
What is the mind calculator supposed to spit out now? It has no choice than spitting out negativity. It ASSUMES negativity and it will do everything possible to spits out negativity.

So change is needed, for example: “My childhood wasn’t good, and true there were traumas – but it is OK. I can accept it, I can accept that this was my life and now I’m moving forward. I want to move forward. There is also a lot of positive things on my childhood. I have a great mom who really cares about me, and I have a brother. Me and my brother used to fight like real men, I learned some really good fighting skills. Those are good things and there are also really good memories (name some specific ones)”

So, now your mind calculator does the following: “Childhood wasn’t good but OK + I can accept that, no problem at all + moving forward anyway + also many positive things from childhood + great mom + good fights with brother + I was fighting like a man + I could be a good fighter with all those skills + good things and good memories (those you named)”.
See? Now you mind ASSUMES positivity again.

*** Lastly, the first thing first: “I don't want to wallow in misery because I'm sick of that now. I might have a negative mindset now and that's the main reason I came here and got right to the point. I want to change but have no clue”
Change it to:
“Misery is there and I’m really tired of it. Let it be there, let the misery be there alone and let’s focus on positive mind set. Lets move on, lets focus on better days ahead. I used to have negative mindset but now I am fully focusing on positive mind set. I really want to change, and now I have great ideas to work on every day. I am changing, I am unsoppable now, my success is inevitable, and nothing will fucking stop me from living a great life now”.

Just flood your mind with those positive statements, keep repeating over and over, every day. Make Edison's persistant efforts seems like he was just an amateur, make him envious of your success if you have to


Hope it helps

 

[lordvenger]

@ Bubinile

Wow, Dude. I feel for you.

I am a Brand new user to this site and I guess this will be my 1st post up here and I will make it to you.

Others have given you some very good advice so I wont rehash what they have said here But I would touch on just a few things
and tell you just a little about myself. Just to give you some background. I am 54 years old and while my upbringing was never as bad as yours
I went thru a lot growing up too. From a father who abandoned me and lied to me when I was about 8, to never have any friends growing
up except one or two, To Never have any girlfriends as a young man At ALL, to being Socially awkward and out of the Norm of people
and you know what I still am. I am a Loner and I Don't Like it either. To being homeless and living on the streets,
to no real family now and Still no real Friends. To ending a marriage of 25 years to a woman who lied to me about shit for Years.
Ya My life has been Fucked up too.......

Everybody Has ISSUES man, you just don't know about it cause their not telling you about it.

1 - Suicide is NEVER an ANSWER and yes I have seriously thought about it Several times.
The Only Acceptation to this rule would be if you have a Terminal very Painful disease with NO Hope of recovery.
Then MAYBE.

2 - Up until recently I always had a Negative attitude about life, my place in it and my future. IT'S KILLING YOU.
Attitude is EVERYTHING and Until you change your Attitude for the better you are Not going to defeat Depression.
Change it NOW. BELIEVE in Yourself and FUCK Everybody Else because Only YOU Care About YOU.

3 - Dude you are fucking what 22 years old and a Freshman in Collage. YOU have Your WHOLE LIFE Ahead of you.
I would KILL to be 22 again with my life ahead of me. That FACT Alone Should cheer you up. I ENVY YOU........
You have Sooooo many experiences to go thru yet and soooo much life to live. 10 years from now Collage
will be just a memory. Are you going to go thru life the way you feel now???

4 - I think you need Professional help, Hell I Need professional Help. We all need professional Help.
but I would add Don't let some shrink just give you a hand full of Anti-depressants and say Here Take these.
Unless you want to be addicted to pills.

5 - You know whats Depressing. I will give you depressing.
Being 54 years old, have only been with like 5 woman in my life, one of those for 25 years and Always Sucking with the woman.
And JUST NOW Finding this site and only because the last date I had I REALLY LIKED This Girl and she Dumped me and I am
DETERMINED to never be the NICE GUY Again.

It's depressing to me because by the time I actually learn all the info on this site and put it into practice I will either be Dead
or wont even be able to get it up anymore.

Being 22 is a GIFT, Don't do what I did and spend 3/4 of your life being miserable and then wake up one day and Realize
It's all in YOUR Head because if your like me when you do FINALLY Wake UP your life will almost be OVER.

Finally, At 22 your NOT even an Adult YET. Yes I Know you think you are But your Not. Looking back I don't think I became
an Adult until about 28. ENJOY Your Youth While you can because it goes by SOOOOOO FAST....

I just want to hammer this into you Again and Again. your 22,22,22,22,22. Your LIFE has Just Begun.
Don't Let YOUR ATTITUDE DESTROY Your Life. You Only Get ONE......................

Good Luck to you and I will try to be here if you need me.......................................

Tim

 

[Tim Iron]

LordVenger, I always thought that the maximum age on this forum is 34 years and you have come on board --- welcome Sir!

Now I see clearly that it is never too late to change one's fortune around. As for getting it up as you grow older, make sure you are always doing PC exercises (also known as Kegel exercises) - these exercises help prevent Erectile Dysfunction. I also heard of hydro pumps (like Penomet and Bathmate) but I have not tried them yet. You can research on other natural ways to get stronger erections online --- but stay away from the ones that involve drinking herbs (It seems that they have a negative effect on the kidneys).

@ Bubinile

Wow, Dude. I feel for you.

I am a Brand new user to this site and I guess this will be my 1st post up here and I will make it to you.

Other have given you some very good advice so I wont rehash what they have said but I would touch just on a few things
and tell you just a little about myself. Just to give you some background. I am 54 and while my upbringing was never as bad as yours
I went thru a lot growing up too. From a father who abandoned me and lied to me when I was about 8, to never have any friends growing
up except one or two, To Never have any girlfriends as a young man At ALL, to be Socially awkward and out of the Norm of people
and you know what I still am. To being homeless and living on the streets, to no family now and Still no real Friends. To ending a marriage
of 25 years to a woman who lied to me about shit for Years. Ya My life has been Fucked up too.......

Everybody Has ISSUES man, you just don't know about it cause their not telling you about it.

1 - Suicide is NEVER an ANSWER and yes I have seriously thought about it Several times.
The Only Accept-ion to this rule would be if you have a Terminal very Painful disease with NO Hope of recovery.
Then MAYBE.

2 - Up until recently I always had a Negative attitude about life, my place in it and my future. It's KILLING You.
Attitude is EVERYTHING and Until you change your Attitude for the better you are Not going to defeat Depression.
Change it NOW. BELIEVE in Yourself and FUCK Everybody Else because Only YOU Care About YOU.

3 - Dude you are fucking what 22 years old and a Freshman in Collage. YOU have Your WHOLE LIFE Ahead of you.
I would KILL to be 22 again with my life ahead of me. That FACT Alone Should cheer you up. I ENVY YOU........
You have Sooooo many experiences to go thru yet and soooo much life to live. 10 years from now Collage
will be just a memory. Are you going to go thru life the way you feel now???

4 - I think you need Professional help, Hell I Need professional Help. We all need professional Help.
but I would add Don't let some shrink just give you a hand full of Anti-depressants and say Here Take these.
Unless you want to be addicted to pills.

5 - You know whats Depressing. I will give you depressing.
Being 54 years old, have only been with like 5 woman in my life, one of those for 25 years and Always Sucking with the woman.
And JUST NOW Finding this site and only because the last date I had I REALLY LIKED This Girl and she Dumped me and I am
DETERMINED to never be the NICE GUY Again.

It's depressing to me because by the time I actually learn all the info on this site and put it into practice I will either be Dead
or wont even be able to get it up anymore.

Being 22 is a GIFT, Don't do what I did and spend 3/4 of your life being miserable and then wake up one day and Realize
It's all in YOUR Head because if your like me when you do FINALLY Wake UP your life will almost be OVER.

Good Luck to you and I will try to be here if you need me.......................................

Tim

 

[lordvenger]

@Tayo

Thanks man, I Love this site and hope to learn a lot on here.
I NEED IT TOOOO.

Met this girl on POF.com and fell for her HARD. Made Every Mistake in the book with her.
Everything from telling her how much I liked her, to I was falling in love with her. To being Mr. Nice guy
with her and EVEN at the end of our 1st date she Invited me in to her apartment at the end of the night
and I didn't do Shit but leave 5 minutes later kissing her on the cheek because I wanted to be a gentleman
and thinking Sex would Always come later.

There Never was a later OR a 2nd date and I kick myself in the ass every day for blowing it with her
and not trying to fuck her then and there. God I miss her soooo much. and yes I know it was one date
but you know when I look at all the woman on POF.com I Still only want HER. I've got it bad......

I Still get Depressed about it and feel she would have been wife #2 BUT what can I do right.
I wrote her a letter letting her go explaining Why I made the mistakes I did and now all I can hope
for is that in the future she contacts me back which I am SURE wont happen.

It's WHY I am on this site. I am NEVER going to let that happen again.........

Now if Only Chaze could tell me how to get her back

LV

 

[ray_zorse]

Shit eh! LordVeng welcome. And don't worry you're here now which is cause for celebration in itself I'm 39 and Seppuku is 45 IIRC and killing it... I guess we all have a similar story to relate, the difference being one of degree. Actually your situation is not as dire as my buddy who is 75 and wondered why a widow in his building showed a lot of interest then suddenly quit (missed window? not being decisive enough?)... have tried to turn him on to the material here but he's in a pretty negative mindset. You sound a lot more positive!!

I mainly hit on women in their 20s and you should do the same. Once I got over my initial feelings of weirdness and crwwpiness in doing this, and gained confidence, I realized that women couldn't give a fuck how old you are, what they look for in a man is totally different from what you expect... it's mainly about the experience you provide and the emotions you trigger in them. Of course, you need to work on fundamentals too (gym, fashion, posture, ...) but luckily the things they look for are basically the things you can change with hard work.

I suggest you search the main site for Chase's articles containing the words "captain" or "silverback", you'll like what you see (he has a buddy who is a retired Navy captain and consistently snatches the highest quality pussy out from under him... nothing beats a silverback he says!!).

Some other advice, as a confidence building exercise, next time you are wearing your best threads (which are not necessarily your most formal -- I'm getting about in faded jeans, a biker jacket and black Chelsea boots a lot these days, which helps my attainability, but well accessorized to avoid a downmarket look... you can go a bit more formal, congruent with your age, but I wouldn't overdo it)... and going about your day... try complimenting everybody who gives you service.

Her: hi, what can I get you?
You: wow, I like, your eye makeup, you look amazing... I'm LordVenger (offers hand)
Her: Tracy... (shakes hand)
You: (holds eye contact, smiles) just a medium cappucino no sugars thanks...
(if circumstances permit you can then chat her up but that's another story...)

Give it a shot and let us know how you get on...

-Ray

 

[ray_zorse]

LV I did the same fuckin thing the other night (or not quite, had her in the foyer of my building and failed to pull her upstairs, chickened out at the last moment cos it felt too soon, now she doesn't contact me back) and you know what, fuck it, IDGAF there's a shit ton more women out there. Lose the one-itis, you're operating from scarcity, that's your problem... it will go away as you level up but you must fake it till you make it.
-Ray

 

[lordvenger]

Thanks Ray,

Don't want to hijack this thread from the poster but maybe one of the admins will move it to the appropriate area.

Ya I know man, I will meet others But it will be hard to let go you know. I am Determined not to contact her again and we shall see.
In my letter I tried a little jealously but don't know if it will work. I told her I had a upcoming date and I was trying to learn and Not make
the same mistakes I made with her. Told her this unknown date was even talking about going out on Valentines but I could not help thinking
it should have been me and her on valentines. I Wished her the best and let it go there....

Woman are Sooo fucking Strange.

Took me a month to get her to go out. she had lots of excuses like her kid was sick, etc, but I stuck with it.
Finally went out on a date and I took her bowling. then after I asked her if she was hungry and we went out to eat.
I'm thinking, I'm doing Something right. Then I go to drop her off after and figure I will walk her to her door and
kiss her on the cheek goodnight.

Damned if she didn't Ask me into her apartment. I was Blown away and not sure what to really do.
I would have loved to do her But she meant more then that to me and I didn't want her to think I thought
she was cheap so being the gentlemen I kissed her check and left. Looking back I think I could of had it if I tried.

A couple days later we talked about what a good time we had and I suggested we go out for a second date and she
seemed ok with it. Told her I would contact her later in the week to set details. Contacted her later in the week and
she told me no. Said her kid was Sick Again and it wasn't a good week for her.

I didn't take it to well and told her I thought she was bullshitting me and that she could just invite me over for a few
hours and we didn't have to go out. It went down hill from there and she blocked me from writing her on POF and I deleted
her phone number.

Don't know what to make of it man except I lost the timing.
On one hand she seemed to have all kinds of excuses why she couldn't go out on the 1st or 2nd date.
But when we did go out we did two different things And then she invited me into her place.

I'm pretty inexperienced in this shit but I think when I girl invites you into her place after the 1st date that has to
mean something and it's probably pretty good. Ya I Blew it big time

Since then and since I found this site I went out last Saturday clubbing by myself.I hate going out by myself and
I think it sends a wrong signal.

Anyway there were two girls dancing together Drunk as skunks and one had a boy friend.
I went up to the other one and told her I wanted to dance with her and she said fine.
As soon as I started dancing with her her girlfriend got Pissed and pushed me away from her
and said NO you don't, I cant allow this. I left after that cause my beer was gone.

Not much I Know But I actually felt pretty good about it.
there were so many guys just standing around doing nothing and I got to dance with her just a touch.
I'm sure every dick watching us would have like to have danced with her too but " I " did.

Also noticed other woman checking me out to but left after that happened because I felt like if
I had hit on any other woman they would have shot me down big time since they could See they were
my 2nd choice. I'm trying man but got a LOT to learn for Sure.

As to the Navy captain. Of course he gets all kinds of pussy. with his money and background how can you
NOT get pussy. All he has to say is I am a retired navy captain and they will be all over him.

Right now I am in my studying and observing mode and if I can get a dance here or there and have the balls
to approach and talk and not get shot down then I think I am doing good. Beats nursing a beer all night.

Hitting on Woman in their 20's LoL. I don't know about that man. I would feel like Chester the molester
But we shall see Right now I think 36 is about as low as I want to go. My date was 43.....

LV

 

[ray_zorse]

Dude:

1. I don't like to break circle and kill a good conversation, if that's hijacking so be it

2. What happened to you is a missed escalation window = stone dead attraction killer = terminal. I wrote on this a lot in recent days, cbf explaining it again. Check my posts.

3. I always go out for nightgame by myself, results 100x better, but you have to hit it harder to avoid getting in your head. Just approach the first woman you see and keep doing that. Recently I racked up about 100 approaches in 10 hours or so and got a lay. Plus a pash with a boyfriended up girl and innumerable grinds/sexy dances. Just takes confidence + momentum + grit/determination to hit it hard no matter what. I was alone and most of these girls were in their 20s btw.

4. At least compliment some sexy waitresses in their 20s and let us know how u get on, it's low effort and u may be surprised how well it goes. How are your fundamentals and social skills generally, btw? They can't be that bad if POFchick was dtf...

Edit: 5. You got cockblocked... at least try to fight back "and who made you her mother? X is my friend and if u got a problem with that u can go jump for all I care"... girls love a dude who sticks up for himself and tries to get what he needs.

-Ray

 

[lordvenger]

LoL

I hear ya man.
I got LOTS to learn.......

So, you have no issues going up to Multiple woman in a bar and hitting on them
and or asking them to dance. I would think that you would get shot down big time
After the First girl, especially if the other girls see you do it.

I would think they are thinking I am Nobody's sloppy seconds so to speak.

Social skills are not the best, this is all new to me.
I was very shy growing up and had self esteem issues like the original poster of this thread
BUT I am coming out of it and TRYING to develop myself in these later years.

Also while I would love to get laid all the time with a ton of woman that really
isn't my ultimate goal. My goal is to meet more woman, feel comfortable around
them, asking them out and if I get laid so be it.

I liked being married and I like being in a relationship more then dating a ton of girls.
I'm just looking for the Right Girl and know enough not to blow it like I did with the last one
That said I am a sponge and will try to soak up all the knowledge I can up here.