As I'm browsing in the Greek yoghurt section of my regular supermarket, a woman arrives pushing her shopping cart.
Mini shorts, fat ass, long blonde hair, sunglasses on top of her head.
She's slowly moving to some rhythm to herself in a carefree way.
For some obscure reason (or not so obscure), I imagine her sitting on my face while she's vibing to herself.
Although she doesn't glance my way at all, I feel, by the way she pauses ever so slightly, that she's paying attention to me.
I'm not wearing anything special but I have a tight v-neck that shows my impressive movie star body (thank you Kinobody) and a silver necklace.
Glancing at her shopping cart, I find an excuse to open.
Me: Oh. My. Gooooodnesss! (place my palms on my cheeks with a scandalized look, Home Alone style)
Her: What? ( looks at me but my eyes are fixed on her shopping cart. She follows my gaze and looks at the shopping cart too.)
Me: Jeeeeeeez (face palm, shaking my head slowly and dramatically)
Her: Whaaaaat? (her tone matches my "jeeeeeez" and the playfulness. I take that as a good sign)
Me: Damn...this is...SO...unhealthy...!!! (gesture at the content of the shopping cart: boxes of ice cream, chocolate cookies)
Her: (laughs hard) Yeah!
Me: I mean... wait...there's (I count with my fingers)...7! 7 ice cream boxes! (she laughs)...wait...NO...it's 8! Noooo, wait, there's another one!!!!! (she keeps lauging)...So that's a total of...
Her: (laughing hard) It's 11 actually!
Me: (faux serious) My goodness...I'm pretty sure I got diabetes just looking at them.
Her: (laughs and hits my shoulder): Hey! You know, you must enjoy life sometimes!!
Me: Hey I mean, of course, I'm all for enjoying life... (I place my hand ever so slightly on her lower back)...HOWEVER! (I raise my other hand in a Hold on! gesture)...there's a difference between enjoying life and shopping for a heart attack.
She grabs my shoulder and burries her head in while laughing hard.
Me: But it's okay it's okay (I pat her head, commiserating with her)...I'm sure you have a good reason, right?
Her: (raising her head) Yes! A veeeryy good reason!
Me: Fair enough fair enough (I laugh a bit too, breaking my faux serious face)
I let a couple seconds pass then proceed.
Me: I'm James btw
Her: Merla!
She offers her hand. I hold it.
Me: So, Merla...
Her: Yes??
Me: I've gotta ask you something...
Her: Yes?
Me: It's taking over my mind, I need an answer...now...
Her (starts laughing as she can sense through my tone that I'm bullshitting)
Me: My question is...(I keep my hand on the small of her back while I lower my head to speak in her ears)...How is it...that you're still alive...when you eat like that??"
Her: (laughs hard) Stooooop...I don't always eat like that!!!
Me: Alright, alright, I'll believe you Merla.... pinky promise?
Her: Promise! (she interlocks her pinky with mine)
Me: Niiceee....So, what are you up to today, asides from shopping for an early death.
Her: (hits me playfully) Stop! Just shopping, I have to get back home early today (It was 4 p.m.
Me: Hmmm just shopping, huh?
Her: Yeahh
Me: And you shop like that always?
Her: What do you mean?
Me: (gesture at her outfit) In that sexy mini shorts... Oh wait, I know why you do that
Her: Why?
Me: You're walking around with these (I point at her shopping cart) while flaunting that sexy body (gesture at her body) to communicate to every woman here that "Hi, I'm Merla, I'm a cute blondie with a sexy body who can eat whatever she wants. Watch me stay sexy while I enjoy good food!!"
I say that in an exagerated high pitched voice that's meant to sound like a woman. I bend my wrist as if I have a shopping bag hanging onto it and flail my fingers in a feminine way.
She laughs hard.
Her: Nonesense! I would never think that!
Me: Of couuurse (I let a devilish smile spread on my face)
Her: It's true!
Me: Uh huh, sure (mischievous grin widens)
Her: Stop! (hits my shoulder again)
Me: (chuckling) Alright, alright!
Her: You're not too healthy as well, you know?! (she shows my shopping cart, which includes peanut butter and nutella)
Me: Guilty as charged (raise my hands in a "I give up" way)
Her: See??? It's ok to eat unhealthy sometimes!
Me: Hmmm maybe maybe (pursing my lips and slowly nodding as if what she's saying requires intense deliberation)... Anyway, Merla, your vibe, I like it.
Her: Vibe?
Me: Energy...You've got this carefree energy I like. You and I should absolutely get bubble tea and get to know each other a bit more.
Her: Oh I don't drink bubble tea.
Me: Or coffee...
Her: Hmm I'd prefer a bar.
Me: That works too. They serve bubble tea there right?
She laughs.
Me: Just kidding, just kidding. Yeah, there's this bar I know (logistically convenient for me)... how about... when did you say you're free again?
Her: Tomorrow? After dinner is good.
Me: Works for me.
Her: Do you have Instagram?
Me: I'm a grandpa, don't use that.
Her: Wow whyy??
Me: You know, too many naked girls (she laughs)...So...you've got WhatsApp?
Her: Yes sure.
We exchange numbers.
Me: We'll confirm meeting point tonight.
Her: Okay
Me: In the meantime, go easy on the sweets... try to stay alive until tomorrow.
She laughs and taps me again on my shoulder. We bid each other farewell.
I return home, complete some work, hit a good workout and chill.
Around 8 p.m. I text her the location (not far from the supermarket we met) and she answers instantly.
The following afternoon, I arrive at the meeting spot. She's already there.
Damn, she's wearing this dress that tightly wraps her ass. Truly fantastic hip to waist ratio there.
We hug and walk to the bar (less than 7 minutes walk)
She's all smiles but a bit more nervous. I find myself doing most of the talking.
This is not uncommon on dates. GIrls are nervous too and are probably in their heads at the start.
We arrive at the bar. It's not too packed. Michael Jackson's Bille Jean is playing. I vibe for a moment to this classic before finding a place to sit.
She orders some alcoholic drink while I discreetly order a sparkling water. Thank god the glasses are semi transparent. I don't want to seem uptight by not drinking.
10 minutes into the date, past the small talk, she mentions her husband:
Her: Oh I have a husband btw.
Me: Wow me too!
Her: What? You're married?
Me: I got a husband too! He's waiting in bed, sticking his shaved ass in the air.
Her: (hits me) Cmon!
Me: Whaaaat?
Her: Are you married?
Me: Asides from fake hubby you mean?
Her (laughs) Yes, asides from fake hubby?
Me: Hmm... not that I remember.
Her: You understand I'm married right? (she shows me her ring)
Me: All I know is I enjoy your energy and I'm having a great time with you right now. That's what matters to me.
Her: Okay.
And she never brings it up again.
The date lasts around 1 hour or so.
The seduction is in the silences, which I'm zoning in more and more these days. I take deliberate pauses and speak slowly. Eye contact is really strong as we're next to each other.
I don't really follow a touch ladder cuz my hands are almost always lingering on her. There's this constant physical contact.
One of the most common and easily recognizable escalation windows is when the girl goes silent and zones in her focus on you.
That's the time to pull.
Me: Let's head back to mine. I've got this chocolate dessert we HAVE to try.
Her: Yeah sure.
We walk out of the bar. The Uber I discreetly booked while we were leaving the bar arrives 3 minutes later. Perfect timing.
Ride back home is silent, with some small talk from me while my hand is on her thigh. She answers but it's obvious her mind is elsewhere.
We arrive at my place. I kiss her as we walk through the door.
She eats my face while I carry her, half blind because my face is burried in hers, to the bedroom.
We have some intense sesssions, including anal. She's a screamer.
After sex, we shower and get back to bed.
I serve her the chocolate dessert I talked to her about.
She absentmindly eats it while telling me how her relationship with her husband, this big shot lawyer, isn't going well and she's seriously considering whether she should stay or not. I listen without adding much. After she's done ranting, she seems happy, eats some more dessert and offers to ride me cuz I was tired.
Of course I accepted.
