My bf seems less horny than me

deletedaccount

Space Monkey
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Hey y'all, I've been dating this guy for a few months now and everything's great. He's really into me and thinks I'm really pretty. Only thing is, I think I have a higher sex drive than him. By that I mean, there are times when I just have to have him and I've never seen him almost desperate like that. We have sex pretty often and it is GREAT and I know he's sexually attracted to me but he's never the one to initiate and feels uncomfortable telling me or showing me when he's horny. I've told him before that telling/showing me does not bother me at all and just makes me feel wanted and attractive, but he's just naturally not open about that stuff. Is there anything I can do to make sure that I don't have to initiate it all the time without sacrificing how often we have sex? My worry is if I just stop initiating and make him come to me, we'll have sex way less.
 

Alpha13SC

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Happened to me in the past, I was in both position, different times. Just talked about it. After that, if things get better, then you solved the problem. If it didn't, then maybe it could be something else. Withdrawing your desire is knee-jerking move(I think this is how it's called, learned this from forum, hope I m not wrong). I did it and it didn't work. When I talked about it, the situation improved, but it was an underlying problem there which needed to be approached.

What you can try, strategy wise is to tease him, moves, outfits, play along just to build some sexual tension.
 

Will_V

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Hey y'all, I've been dating this guy for a few months now and everything's great. He's really into me and thinks I'm really pretty. Only thing is, I think I have a higher sex drive than him. By that I mean, there are times when I just have to have him and I've never seen him almost desperate like that. We have sex pretty often and it is GREAT and I know he's sexually attracted to me but he's never the one to initiate and feels uncomfortable telling me or showing me when he's horny. I've told him before that telling/showing me does not bother me at all and just makes me feel wanted and attractive, but he's just naturally not open about that stuff. Is there anything I can do to make sure that I don't have to initiate it all the time without sacrificing how often we have sex? My worry is if I just stop initiating and make him come to me, we'll have sex way less.

Don't tell him to to initiate, you're not his psychologist. Dress in something sexy, wear some perfume he likes, discover what turns him on especially and use it to get his attention. And show him how much you love it when he makes a move.

Guys generally get turned on by being in control, and telling him what to do is the opposite of that.

Some guys just don't have much sex drive though.
 

Derek da man

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I used to be the typical "nice guy" having been indocronated by environment and media where it is portrayed that women like a soft gentle loving man who treats them like a princess. They do some of the time but they also want a man to be strong, firm, take the lead and be dominant and sometimes a little rough.

Note - there is always respect on both sides. Just that most women like a man who isn't afraid of being different to the social conditioning.
 

Rakehell

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If he isn’t comfortable with his sexuality like you say then it’s probably best for both of you if you stop initiating the sex. That way if he wants to have sex he’ll have to take on an active role.

If he thinks you’re attractive then talking it out probably won’t work. I think it’s normal for you to want him to take a more active role sometimes. Girls like to feel desired that’s part of the sex for you all. Where as us guy’s are more concerned with the action. It won’t hurt getting him to initiate in fact it’ll probably help him.
 

Beck Bass

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Just dress pretty sexy and act very sexy... But keep him chasing, like try to get him super horny, so he has to initiate sex.
By that I mean, there are times when I just have to have him and I've never seen him almost desperate like that. We have sex pretty often and it is GREAT
I've been with some super horny chicks, and I know what you mean, but I am myself super sexual, so if they wanted it, I was down (and I generally initiate sex, because I know it makes girls feel more desired and cherished, but I think most guys don't think like that, call it society brainwashing or whatever, like "men just wanna use women" and this type of bs). Another thing to take in account is that women really go crazy for a good D, with all due respect, like the way men and women are "wired" is that women go crazy for a single man if he gives them all they want/need, and while men love the dedication of a woman, the grass always seem greener on the other side... For the most part, because our instincts tell us to impregnate as much hot women as we can (lol, I know this sounds kinda dark, but it's a bit true deep down, though a special girl can change a guy... I myself am not into monogamy really, so dunno, take this with a grain of salt).
Like while I really liked fucking those girls, they would tell me they have been dreaming about my dick and stuff like that, that I couldn't quite relate, but I liked the attention anyway. I guess it's kinda how it goes in relationships when the girl is (very) sexual and the guy is strong and masculine, aka gives her the good D.

Either way, I think the best for you to do is tease him as much as you can, you can spice things up if you can, like change your hair cut/color (or simply the way you do your hair, that can change a lot how a girl looks), wear different stuff, like sexy clothes or even costumes, so effectivelly you become "other woman". You also can try to discover something he REALLY enjoys in sex, like my ex used to lick my ear in a way I was crazy about, so I wanted more sex with her because I knew she would do it, specially when I ordered her to. You can also do other stuff like "tonight I'm only gonna give you oral", so he becomes thirty for your pussy, though this can backfire big time, I know most sexual girls really get off to giving oral... But yeah, on sumary, you can make him want sex more, either by creating an "artificial" scarcity, or changing things up so they seem fresh to him. But maybe he really has a lower sex drive. No idea.
 

sunnygirl

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Hey @girlchasing I'm coming back to this, it's been a couple months. Has he initiated more/put in an effort to pursue?

I feel like if my boyfriend were to put it on me to always initiate sex, I would feel less desired and kind of in a masculine frame. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. I HATE binary thinking that women should be docile, feminine, and never initiate in any way- and the man should initiate every time. But communication is also pretty important (kind of feel hypocritical giving advice especially considering I've only been in a half relationship so far), but I have been reading up on this kind of stuff, especially from people who HAVE had experience...which helps. Also, intuition. And what you've stated below
I've told him before that telling/showing me does not bother me at all and just makes me feel wanted and attractive, but he's just naturally not open about that stuff.
confirms my theory that you want to feel DESIRED, sexy, and feminine. And there's nothing wrong with that. Communication is always important, and you might (if you haven't already) want to break it to him gently... "Hey, you know, I love it when you ravish me and initiate sex...it makes me feel beautiful."

Good luck OP and keep us updated!
 

Skills

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Hey y'all, I've been dating this guy for a few months now and everything's great. He's really into me and thinks I'm really pretty. Only thing is, I think I have a higher sex drive than him. By that I mean, there are times when I just have to have him and I've never seen him almost desperate like that. We have sex pretty often and it is GREAT and I know he's sexually attracted to me but he's never the one to initiate and feels uncomfortable telling me or showing me when he's horny. I've told him before that telling/showing me does not bother me at all and just makes me feel wanted and attractive, but he's just naturally not open about that stuff. Is there anything I can do to make sure that I don't have to initiate it all the time without sacrificing how often we have sex? My worry is if I just stop initiating and make him come to me, we'll have sex way less.

This is normal and has nothing to do with you, and there is barely if anything you can do.... It is called the Coolidge effect.... Most of my female friends and even exes don't understand it... This video explains it really good but ignore the porn stuff...

 

sunnygirl

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This is normal and has nothing to do with you, and there is barely if anything you can do.... It is called the Coolidge effect.... Most of my female friends and even exes don't understand it... This video explains it really good but ignore the porn stuff...

The 'Coolidge effect', defined as a decline in the propensity of a male to copulate repeatedly with the same female combined with a heightened sexual interest in novel females (Wilson et al. 1963; Dewsbury 1981), can be a mechanism to distribute sperm more evenly.

Interesting theory, idk if that's what's really going on but it very well could be.

Great video, btw! Thank you for posting it.
 

deletedaccount

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Don't tell him to to initiate, you're not his psychologist. Dress in something sexy, wear some perfume he likes, discover what turns him on especially and use it to get his attention. And show him how much you love it when he makes a move.

Guys generally get turned on by being in control, and telling him what to do is the opposite of that.

Some guys just don't have much sex drive though.
Funnily enough, telling him actually helped! He much prefers open communication.
This is normal and has nothing to do with you, and there is barely if anything you can do.... It is called the Coolidge effect.... Most of my female friends and even exes don't understand it... This video explains it really good but ignore the porn stuff...

I definitely think that this is a thing (was for my ex!) but I figured out what's actually going on.
If he isn’t comfortable with his sexuality like you say then it’s probably best for both of you if you stop initiating the sex. That way if he wants to have sex he’ll have to take on an active role.

If he thinks you’re attractive then talking it out probably won’t work. I think it’s normal for you to want him to take a more active role sometimes. Girls like to feel desired that’s part of the sex for you all. Where as us guy’s are more concerned with the action. It won’t hurt getting him to initiate in fact it’ll probably help him.
This is what really worked.
Hey @girlchasing I'm coming back to this, it's been a couple months. Has he initiated more/put in an effort to pursue?

I feel like if my boyfriend were to put it on me to always initiate sex, I would feel less desired and kind of in a masculine frame. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. I HATE binary thinking that women should be docile, feminine, and never initiate in any way- and the man should initiate every time. But communication is also pretty important (kind of feel hypocritical giving advice especially considering I've only been in a half relationship so far), but I have been reading up on this kind of stuff, especially from people who HAVE had experience...which helps. Also, intuition. And what you've stated below

confirms my theory that you want to feel DESIRED, sexy, and feminine. And there's nothing wrong with that. Communication is always important, and you might (if you haven't already) want to break it to him gently... "Hey, you know, I love it when you ravish me and initiate sex...it makes me feel beautiful."

Good luck OP and keep us updated!
Yes! Let me get into it now, but I'll keep it brief. Basically, I just found out he has a lot of insecurity to do with masculinity. He's a good person and he is a naturally masculine person, so none of this really bothers me. He just feels like he has to be a "rock" and a provider, which ended up being sex too. He unconsciously felt like sex was a service for him to provide but never ask for. He felt he had to focus on my needs in all aspects. He felt that he wouldn't be taking care of me if he initiated, because I would be taking care of him. He also was very nervous that he would make me uncomfortable. And, to tie a bow on it all, he's afraid of being rejected (which I find interesting, considering I haven't rejected him once in the two years we've been together). He is working on all of his mental blocks independently and we have communicated many times about how we take care of each other in a mutual way, even if our roles look different. I also did just stop initiating for a while to almost force him out of his comfort zone. We also now have a little non-verbal sign if one of us is in the mood, which is less intimidating than outright seducing for him. I also have to give up my little game of making him work for it (like pretending I don't notice his little flirtations until he gets bold) just so he doesn't worry that he's pressuring me. I hope I can get that game back, since it's fun for me, but for now, things are a lot better! The sex itself is AMAZING and so is he, so I have no problem putting effort in to make things more comfortable for him!

Edit: he also just has a lower sex drive, so I initiated like a couple times every day and that put pressure on him, since he only really wants to have sex a couple of times a week. As the one with the higher sex drive, I have learned that it's easier for me to fit in his schedule than to fit him in mine. Also, I've learned that he does not want to have sex unless he is already horny whereas I can go whenever (especially since I don't have to worry about getting hard). Figuring out these things about each other was also super helpful!
 

sunnygirl

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Yes! Let me get into it now, but I'll keep it brief. Basically, I just found out he has a lot of insecurity to do with masculinity. He's a good person and he is a naturally masculine person, so none of this really bothers me. He just feels like he has to be a "rock" and a provider, which ended up being sex too. He unconsciously felt like sex was a service for him to provide but never ask for. He felt he had to focus on my needs in all aspects. He felt that he wouldn't be taking care of me if he initiated, because I would be taking care of him. He also was very nervous that he would make me uncomfortable. And, to tie a bow on it all, he's afraid of being rejected (which I find interesting, considering I haven't rejected him once in the two years we've been together). He is working on all of his mental blocks independently and we have communicated many times about how we take care of each other in a mutual way, even if our roles look different. I also did just stop initiating for a while to almost force him out of his comfort zone. We also now have a little non-verbal sign if one of us is in the mood, which is less intimidating than outright seducing for him. I also have to give up my little game of making him work for it (like pretending I don't notice his little flirtations until he gets bold) just so he doesn't worry that he's pressuring me. I hope I can get that game back, since it's fun for me, but for now, things are a lot better! The sex itself is AMAZING and so is he, so I have no problem putting effort in to make things more comfortable for him!

Edit: he also just has a lower sex drive, so I initiated like a couple times every day and that put pressure on him, since he only really wants to have sex a couple of times a week. As the one with the higher sex drive, I have learned that it's easier for me to fit in his schedule than to fit him in mine. Also, I've learned that he does not want to have sex unless he is already horny whereas I can go whenever (especially since I don't have to worry about getting hard). Figuring out these things about each other was also super helpful!
Ohh girlchasing thanks for explaining it more clearly, now I have a better picture of what's going on. Yeah, he sounds like he put a lot of pressure on himself to be perfect in the bedroom and to take care of you, that's good that he's working on his mental blocks, and now that you've explained he has a lower sex drive it makes sense that you're the one initiating. So its good that he's not playing you on purpose or anything, I'm also seeing a lot more communication here and I"m glad to get the update a year later!

Also yea like I said I'm glad to have another young girl in the forum because we can relate to our own issues and generation stuff and also being a girl general things are different, also you're bi too I'm so glad we connect so well. It's refreshing to have relatability in terms of gender and age here as well! :love:
 

tenere

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Older man here and I consider myself experienced on this subject. Op if you have been born under a lucky star, and have a guy that thinks you're pretty and the sex is good "and also whenever you want sex" then don't F up a good thing and overanalyze and create something that doesn't exist. The difference is he is not you, don't expect him to be you, and embrace the quality aspects of your relationship. Also imo too much of a good thing takes something off the excitement.

I eat once a day, even a lousy meal is delicious when you're hungry.
 

Rakehell

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This is what really worked.
Glad it helped
He just feels like he has to be a "rock" and a provider, which ended up being sex too. He unconsciously felt like sex was a service for him to provide but never ask for. He felt he had to focus on my needs in all aspects.
Well he's given you something to work with now. I’m not this way, but I can empathize with where he’s coming from.

Dissimilar to me his main source of motivation when it comes to sex, actually isn’t his own sex drive, but yours. I’m not sure how he would go about changing that, it’s something he would probably have to find in himself.

But as for getting him to initiate alot more than he already is, some sound advice would be:

Instead of “forcing” him to acknowledge his own insecurities and act on his inhibitions. Slip in something along the lines of

“I feel loved when you initiate, and feel neglected when I’m the one who does it more”.

That way he can continue doing his providing thing, while you get to feel desired. It’s a win win.

edit: ^could slip it in the very next time he initiates, following something like “I love it when you do this”, generally make him feel good when he does it. Could also bring it up next time it comes up.
 
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deletedaccount

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Glad it helped

Well he's given you something to work with now. I’m not this way, but I can empathize with where he’s coming from.

Dissimilar to me his main source of motivation when it comes to sex, actually isn’t his own sex drive, but yours. I’m not sure how he would go about changing that, it’s something he would probably have to find in himself.

But as for getting him to initiate alot more than he already is, some sound advice would be:

Instead of “forcing” him to acknowledge his own insecurities and act on his inhibitions. Slip in something along the lines of

“I feel loved when you initiate, and feel neglected when I’m the one who does it more”.

That way he can continue doing his providing thing, while you get to feel desired. It’s a win win.

edit: ^could slip it in the very next time he initiates, following something like “I love it when you do this”, generally make him feel good when he does it. Could also bring it up next time it comes up.
I have tried that, and he basically says "Will do!" and doesn't haha. I think it's easier said than done for him -- he has a lot of insecurity as well which complicates things. We do nonverbal signals now, which helps him initiate. I guess it takes the pressure off? but yeah youre absolutely right, I do not intend to nag him about things he needs to work on! I can imagine that would only make things so much worse for him, and I'm satisfied right now. Thank you sincerely for all of your help!
 

BrideBeGone

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Hey @girlchasing I am a new member here, and a friend of @sunflowergirl04 . :)

This may seem too simple but have you tried watching porn together? Or a sexy movie and simply letting sex happen?

JMO but there's too much talking going on about it; I mean communication is important but sometimes too much of it can have the opposite effect of what you're trying to accomplish. It adds a certain pressure and when it comes to sexual desire, pressure is the last thing either one of you want.

IOW, stop talking so much about it and simply let it happen, naturally and organically. I wouldn't advise wearing sexy lingerie or doing anything that would suggest you are trying to get him in the mood. It comes off as trying too hard, it's contrived and forced and will have the opposite effect in my experience.

It's funny but my husband and boyfriends before him found me the absolute sexiest when I was wearing his big ole shirt or my favorite tee and shorts and just hanging out NOT trying to be particularly sexy or doing much of anything to sexually entice him. Last night for example, I was doing the dishes and my husband was watching me and suddenly felt very frisky and came up from behind, grabbed me and well, you know the rest. ;)

It was completely spontaneous which imo can lead to the best sex ever!!

I don't even like exchanging sexy text messages, to me again it feels contrived and forced. NO man should need a "dirty" text message to get off imo. If he does, then something is off with his sexual desire for YOU. Again jmo on that.

Simply let it all happen naturally, organically.

How about watching a sexy movie together one night? Nothing hard core, but something sensual. Then just let it happen.

No talking, no discussing, NO PRESSURE. Allow your sexuality and sensuality to exude from within. Not by overt displays of it or talking about it.

Anyway, I hope this didn't come off too preachy, I am just sharing my experiences and what has worked well for me in my relationships. Everyone is different, but it might be something to consider?

Good luck!
 
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sunnygirl

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Hey @girlchasing I think this is really great advice from her. I've bolded the suggestions below that really resonated with me and would maybe help in your situation! Like I mentioned she's a highly intuitive poster and perceptive on other sites, so her perspective is really valuable, I agree with letting it happen naturally and organically. I think the issue arising is that everything feels contrived if you "force" the mood by dressing up and discussing with him/talking constantly about how to better y'alls sex life kind of comes off as...unsexy to me and seems to kill the sensual vibe.
This may seem too simple but have you tried watching porn together? Or a sexy movie and simply letting sex happen?

JMO but there's too much talking going on about it;

simply let it happen, naturally and organically. I wouldn't advise wearing sexy lingerie or doing anything that would suggest you are trying to get him in the mood. It comes off as trying too hard, it's contrived and forced and will have the opposite effect in my experience.

It was completely spontaneous which imo can lead to the best sex ever!!

How about watching a sexy movie together one night? Nothing hard core, but something sensual. Then just let it happen.

No talking, no discussing, NO PRESSURE. Allow your sexuality and sensuality to exude from within. Not by overt displays of it or talking about it.
I have tried that, and he basically says "Will do!" and doesn't haha. I think it's easier said than done for him -- he has a lot of insecurity as well which complicates things. We do nonverbal signals now, which helps him initiate. I guess it takes the pressure off? but yeah youre absolutely right, I do not intend to nag him about things he needs to work on! I can imagine that would only make things so much worse for him, and I'm satisfied right now. Thank you sincerely for all of your help!
I'm glad to see improvement in this area, overall, your relationship with him seems great and completely agree with the sensual movie part. Again it doesn't have to be hardcore or anything but it could help get him in the mood and "revved up" so to speak, so it'll happen organically! Good luck, and keep us updated! :)
 

Beck Bass

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This may seem too simple but have you tried watching porn together? Or a sexy movie and simply letting sex happen?
I think sexy movie might be great, but I myself got quite weirded out by watching porn with my girl.
I'm way more sexual than her, so sometimes she was like "just go watch porn and have a wank or something lol", eventually she opened and started watching some random video with me.
Maybe it was because I wasn't expecting that at all, but when I saw her looking at this random dude fucking a girl in video, I just felt really weird... Even if it was just a video.

I think when I'm watching porn, I'm in some other headspace, like oh let's just have fun and spank the monkey, and I mostly focus on the girl, kinda ignoring the guy or mostly pretending it's my dick there... But when she was looking at it, I couldn't ignore it. It was also kinda weird looking at a "girl naked" in front of her, it just felt like cheating in a way.
 

Rakehell

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I have tried that, and he basically says "Will do!" and doesn't haha. I think it's easier said than done for him -- he has a lot of insecurity as well which complicates things. We do nonverbal signals now, which helps him initiate. I guess it takes the pressure off? but yeah youre absolutely right, I do not intend to nag him about things he needs to work on! I can imagine that would only make things so much worse for him, and I'm satisfied right now. Thank you sincerely for all of your help!
I get where you’re coming from, just keep it in mind if it were to ever crop up again. I wouldn’t even blame you for nagging, naggings annoying but it works alot of the time lol, that’s why people do it. Sometimes you comply just to get the nagger to stop nagging.

But there are better ways that create less friction.

It’s more so the timing and suggestions behind what you’re saying that im getting at. When you do, if it ever does crop up again, say it as a statement in a neutral non combative way. And not as something that you’re trying to get him to agree to. That never sticks.

It’s meant to be something that he may brush over in the moment, but he’ll hear in the back of his head whenever he feels like chumping out.
 

OldGuy

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I had that problem with my first lover. I finally considered it to be horny divorcee syndrome. I felt I was only the man who was there, not the one who turned her on. When he starts something, make it special.
 

OldGuy

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The horny divorcee syndrome was one I thought occured, since they were the ones who openly wanted it. However, my problem with starting it was bad experiences the first few times.
 
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