New Conquests

[Conquistador]

Last Thursday night I went to a friend’s house and ended up going out to his suburb’s downtown. It was a horrendous misadventure but very educational.
I approached only three girls due to not feeling super social. One was an older Asian chick with a BF who thought the moon landings were a hoax and that suborbital launches (Katy Perry) are the moon (talk about defying stereotypes!) and the other two, a pair, seemed really hot at the time. I uncalibratedly asked one to dance even though it wasn’t a club (tbf chalk it up to my relative lack of experience [3rd time being properly carded]) and then bro abruptly decided it was time to go home, then changed his mind when we got to the car. (I later told him he was worse than our glorious president in terms of indecisiveness and malleability to others’ views). In general it was wild. I had thought I was notably socially awkward and stuff, well nah not really, not compared to him, it’s def clinical w him (particularly obvious as he is heavily socialized into upper-mid white mainstream young culture and I am not — in short, he can navigate situations without calibrating by adhering to norms, but then one on one where he can’t do that the effect is stark). And then at the very when I tried to explain why it was so draining and a bit later flipped and actually started cursing him out (I’ve never actually done that before) he remained frighteningly calm (remaining emotionally detached

I will never go winging with him again. Which is too bad because I enjoy hanging with him otherwise. In any case he’s moving to another state in a month.

I did notice something interesting with the pair. They misunderstood something bro said about me due to loud music as something both intriguing and DHV. That is interesting because I hadn’t looked at it as being either before bc not my milieu.

He also told me a disturbing and hilarious story about how some weeks ago he spent 3k from his trust fund on a VIP package at a strip club, which resulted in the most painful BJ of his life. Yeaaaah.

I think I actually might want to actively look for a wing. Swiffer is still overseas for now and my best bro is far too proper for any sort of nightlife, so I need to find some new bros who vibe with where I’m at.

 

[Conquistador]

My self-awareness has lately been growing by leaps and bounds.

I still don’t feel ready to go back to where I was at 18 months ago.


Something did happen recently that reminded me that the Old Magic™ that powered much of my post-deluge progress is dormant and not gone or drained. Although there have been other permanent changes.

I will write my own story. And eventually it will have a glorious conclusion.

But there is a very long way to go.

 

[Conquistador]

I’m sitting down and writing an SWOT about my financial and educational position. Afterwards I’ll do one about sociosexual stuff as well.

I decided to do this because I need to have a hard think about where I’m at and how to get where I want.

I do think I’ve gotten much better about being self-aware lately. I realize now why I feel certain ways (and not other ways)

 

[Conquistador]

I scored a house sit for most of next week. I haven’t yet decided whether to even attempt to make use of it for logistics or throw a small party or something.

 

[Conquistador]

My best bro just invited me on a dawn hike à trois with a slightly older chick who does finance or smth. Should be fun and somewhat edifying although I don’t intend to game her.

I’m likely going to do a bit of infield next week in the course of doing things. If said things go well I should be much more capable of in

I’m going to go all out on everything in my life once the end-of-summer risk window has passed. Even though last year was fine, I think I need that secure flank in order to muster the willpower to really make serious progress.

This past six months it’s become really clear how reliant I was during college on the drugs. Only now am I approaching even some the capabilities I had then, and yet I’d rather have this resilient, intrinsic, organic growth than imperfect artificial solutions that allow me to pretend I’d developed a more mature persona than the reality.

I’m also feeling a sense of urgency that I’m not as young as I used to be and yet I haven’t quite managed to merge back on the overall trajectory I need. Whatever FoMO I used to have, it’s 5x now.

 

[Conquistador]

Well, a lot has happened since my last entry. I really don’t know where to begin.

Bottom line: the Revolution is underway and unstoppable. I’m a little nervous about where the wave might take me, but I’m gonna try and ride it.

I had a nice chat with Swiffer last night about stuff.

My best bro has somehow gotten himself in a very awkward position with regard to the girl from the last entry.

Today I had a difficult meeting. I owned it. I’m satisfied with that.

I’ve been taking steps to restore the state of things prior to the collapse of spring ‘24. Once I feel marginally ready it’s showtime.

Let the chaos begin!

 

[Conquistador]

I’m considering splurging on a multiweek vacation. Probably to New York. Obviously that requires a lot of prep work and I can’t just delay it as I don’t want to be there once winter hits.

I’ve definitely gained a lot of clarity about myself, others, and the world lately. I’m still in a difficult position as my parents slowly turn the screws. The process of major change is now inevitable, but it hasn’t picked up that much speed yet.

Was talking to Swiffer last week and he reminded me how awesome I am after I expressed how exhausted and demotivated I was feeling in the moment. Some other people have said similar things lately.

Maybe I can utilize that productively. I owe it to myself to achieve my goals. And not just to myself, but to anyone who stands to benefit from my future achievements.