Overcoming someone’s else guardedness

[uriel]

So, I was reading @Chase ’s article about the differences between old fashion and modern sex symbols and he makes an interesting point about how it’s very noticeable that men are becoming more and more guarded over the years.
(https://www.girlschase.com/content/old-fashioned-sex-symbols-vs-modern-male-stars-what-s-difference)

This made me have a good look at myself and realize that it could be a big limiting force in my life.
While I have had some decent success with women... it constantly haunts me how some of the best women I have met, I wasn’t able to keep around.

Some of my ex-GFs have told me that while I am very caring, it can feel like I am cold and calculating... which makes sense in a way... I am very rational.
Also, I grew without a father and the closest man to be a father figure to me, my stepdad, despite being a great guy is a rather distant person.

In retrospective, I can think of many girls I maybe could have salvaged, had I been more emotional (willingness to emote, maybe?).

Adding to that, I have a coaching business that was going very well before the pandemic started and it’s about to close down for a similar reason... I struggle making potential clients let go their own barriers.

So I wonder if we could talk a little about removing one’s guardedness and removing it on others.
Or perhaps an article about that.

It would be very thankful for some insights.

 

[Regal Tiger]

Yo! As for removing your own barriers one thing that I've found that helps me is to just relate to what people tell you. When someone tells you about something hard going on in their own lives just try to think up something similar.

If you don't have anything similar then you can even lead with that:
"I hear ya, that sucks. I don't think I've ever been directly in your shoes but I remember feeling *similar to what they just said, sad, angry, disappointed or whatever* when this thing happened to me".


As for getting other people to lower their own boundaries, here's how I do it:
1: state control and project as calm an energy as you can muster
2: nonjudgmental attitude about things in general (there are ways to project this as well, most involve talking about a bunch of different subjects or even expressing some lightly controversial thoughts/opinions. Then you can also just swear a lot, which is what I do naturally lol)
3: reveal something about yourself first

Number 3 makes it to they feel comfortable opening up to you and it also kicks the 'reciprocity effect' into action. After that, it's Cognitive Dissonance/Benjamin Franklin Effect/Backwards Rationalization that come into play as well as emotional investment.



As a side note, I can relate to what you said about being guarded because I'm EXTREMELY guarded in my own life and I have a lotta barriers up. And yet I don't have any problems getting other people to lower their own barriers because of how I approach people in general.

It took me some time to think about it, but those are the main things that I believe make other people open up to me even though I'm guarded myself. And this is something that people who are even close to me talk about, and yet they also say they feel so comfortable, calm and open around me.

Lastly, if you notice someone being a little guarded/apprehensive/sad/whatever emotion you can bring it up. I find the Chris Voss Labeling Technique works better than anything else. Here's how it works:
Use phrases like
1. You seem like that makes you kinda sad
2. Sounds/Looks like you're a little apprehensive to talk about that

And then just allow them to open up or even shut it down as they see fit. Because even though I'm really good at getting people to open up even I can't get people to talk about things that are kind of 'too much' for them, if that makes sense. Or things that are too fresh I've noticed I get shut down on as well.

If you do get shut down, just say that it's alright and that you understand. But if they need to talk about it then know that you have the freedom to reach out. Something like that

Hope that helps, I'm in a bit of a hurry so feel free to ask any follow-up questions

 

[Will_V]

So, I was reading @Chase ’s article about the differences between old fashion and modern sex symbols and he makes an interesting point about how it’s very noticeable that men are becoming more and more guarded over the years.
(https://www.girlschase.com/content/old-fashioned-sex-symbols-vs-modern-male-stars-what-s-difference)

This made me have a good look at myself and realize that it could be a big limiting force in my life.
While I have had some decent success with women... it constantly haunts me how some of the best women I have met, I wasn’t able to keep around.

Some of my ex-GFs have told me that while I am very caring, it can feel like I am cold and calculating... which makes sense in a way... I am very rational.
Also, I grew without a father and the closest man to be a father figure to me, my stepdad, despite being a great guy is a rather distant person.

In retrospective, I can think of many girls I maybe could have salvaged, had I been more emotional (willingness to emote, maybe?).

Adding to that, I have a coaching business that was going very well before the pandemic started and it’s about to close down for a similar reason... I struggle making potential clients let go their own barriers.

So I wonder if we could talk a little about removing one’s guardedness and removing it on others.
Or perhaps an article about that.

It would be very thankful for some insights.

Deep diving, asking questions and relating. My last SNL a couple of weeks ago was basically an hour of her talking to me about herself and her life followed by my suggestion that we have a drink at my place.

For a business type setting, this video might interest you, Chris Voss is a very knowledgeable guy on this sort of thing.

 

[Regal Tiger]

I'd add that Chris Voss's Labeling is a great way to avoid 'interview mode' where you're constantly asking question after question after question. Which was one of my big stumbling blocks because I'm so curious about other people's lives.

 

[uriel]

Thanks guys!!
Sorry for waiting a couple of weeks to reply. Life has been a little hectic.

@Regal Tiger
Thanks, man.
So I am pretty good to relate with what people tell me already but the process you mention to lower barriers sounds new to me. I will give it a try.

Basically, it would be: be calm, be nonjudgmental, say something controversial (break pattern) and share something personal. Right?

What would you say it’s your hit rate with these techniques?
I can easily get people talking honestly about their barriers... helping them overcome them, not so much.

@Will_V
Thanks, man.
I’m glad to see mirroring and labeling is something I already do naturally.

So how would you go about convincing someone to do something or change the way they think?