Preventing and ending UNHEALTHY OBSESSIONS with girls.

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Feb 27, 2014
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95
This is something I've struggled with and I know many newbies struggle with. I have some personal issues and a very abusive childhood which makes me more prone to this. Does anybody who has this issue have any advice on either Preventing (Started to get obsessed but not quite there yet) / Reducing (Already obsessed) / Ending (Trying to cut it off 100%). Mentally ill people are typically more prone to Obsession as well, depending on the mental illness.
Anyone who's experienced with game can chime in as well, you don't need to have had this experience or be prone to it in order to give advice. As long as you're not a keyboard jockey.
My personal advice from experiences, observations, and such are:
  1. Focus on flaws, big time.
  2. Do not project positive qualities onto her that do not exist.
  3. Do not exaggerate positive qualities of hers beyond what they realistically are.
  4. Basically, never get her onto a pedestal.
  5. Stay busy and make sure you're talking to multiple other girls, never be only talking to one, especially if you're prone to Obsession easily, talking to 1 girl and she's always on your mind? Nope, recipe for disaster if you are prone to this issue.
  6. Cut zero contact, 100% cut. Not even slight contact, not even viewing social media, not even viewing pictures, not even viewing conversations. I just fully blocked on every platform including phone number when I had to get over an Obsession. Then after I was over it, I forgot to unblock, and still haven't unblocked because I don't care and am too lazy lol.
  7. Pursue your dreams and passions. Women should never be your #1 priority in life, always have something better to do.
  8. DO NOT FUTURE PROJECT. Do not imagine some hypothetical or imaginary future together, no matter how far or short into the future it is. That's a bad situation waiting to happen, because then you get attached to this nonexistent or potentially existent future, and you'll fight to make it happen when really, don't.
  9. Realize all relationships end. At some point in time you will have to Let Go of everybody you ever meet in your entire life. Embrace this truth. It will set you Free. Nothing lasts forever. This girl is just a passing breeze in your life, and another one is coming soon right after she's gone.
  10. View this as practice for emotional control and self-control when you're trying to get over it, prevent it, or reduce it. Control of your thoughts. Discipline in being able to focus when emotionally distracted. View her as practice for when you do meet an ideal / quality girl. You do not want to be an Obsessive creep when you finally meet a quality girl. So learn from this experience, find out why / how / when you became Obsessed, how you can prevent it, etc. Explore yourself and your own flaws and imperfections and decide how to fix it, then go to work!
  11. Do not reach out to her under any circumstance. You'll want to and feel such a strong urge. Call a friend, or hang out with friends. OR write a letter to her but DO NOT SEND IT. If you absolutely have to reach out to her, then write something down and promise yourself you will wait 1 week (or ideally 2 weeks) before sending it to her. Chances are that after that 1-2 weeks is up, you won't even want to. The process of simply writing your thoughts down is cathartic in itself.
  12. Do not analyze the relationship right after it ends or right when you cut contact. Wait a month or two or three, until you are emotionally distant enough to view it without an emotional bias. Honestly, the ideal is 3 months minimum. Keep busy until then. After 3 or more months, or whenever you're emotionally distant (your feelings have reduced at a minimum of 70-80% of it's 100% maximum Obsession), then you can look back more objectively and analyze what happened and why it happened and how it happened. This also applies to #10 above where I mention exploring yourself and learning from the situation. DO NOT DO THIS UNTIL YOU ARE OVER HER EITHER COMPLETELY OR MOSTLY.
  13. Try not to numb yourself with substances, drugs, or drinking. The pain is there for a reason to remind you that something is wrong. Pain is the greatest catalyst for change. Embrace it, feel it, breathe the pain into your heart, and let it move you forward into becoming your Ideal Self.
That's all I can think of. Feel free to chime in or correct anything I've written.
 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Yeah, it's been a tough struggle. I had one last year and this year, but the last one before was like 5 years ago. How your life is going, your relationships, and overall mental health definitely impacts this.
I was working out and in great shape. Getting lots of sunlight (improves mood and produces vitamin D naturally, it's a natural anti-depressant). Hanging out with positive and cool friends all the time. Talking to multiple girls and going on regular dates and banging girls semi-regularly.
I was also super focused on pursuing my dreams and goals, so that distracted me from Obsession at least for that duration of time. But having my life spiral out of control due to a lot of personal factors / family factors / and health factors last year really put things into perspective and both Obsessions taught me a LOT.
The pain was definitely real. And excruciating. Like, death seemed more appealing than living on with that kind of pain. It was, if I had to use a metaphor, I was at the edge of hell. One of the most painful experiences I've ever had as an adult. Physical and emotional pain activate the same part of the brain.
This hurt more than a literal car accident I was in where I almost died. And had to get lower spine surgery. After my surgery I deliberately didn't take any pain medications the first night just to prove to myself I could endure that kind of pain, I was tossing and turning in bed and in such pure agony, tears were streaming down my face as I tried to resist taking pain medications. And this pain from these Obsessions was much worse.
Anybody who has never experienced it has no idea how painful it can be. A lot of suicides from relationships most likely stem to people becoming attached beyond the point of Infatuation or Love and into the unhealthy and dangerous zone of Obsession.
After I conquer this I'll post back here what I learn. But so far those are the best lessons that I've learned, and it took a lot of trial and error. One more thing I'd add is that it's okay to cry and crying is cathartic. Do not suppress your emotions. I cried a lot, and each time I felt better. The very last time I cried over my last Obsession was the most I've ever cried as an adult, and my bed was literally soaked like I poured a bottle of water on it. I was whimpering and hurt thinking, "Why can't she care about me the same way I care about her?" etc. and some other Obsessive thoughts.
But after crying I felt so healed and it was truly a catharsis. I felt freed. Like so much of the pain dissipated in those 30-60 minutes of crying. And my feelings and attachments also reduced greatly for her too. This is a real struggle for many guys, and hopefully a real pure solution does get found.
OH ALSO, PROFESSIONAL HELP CAN BE VERY HELPFUL AND SOMETIMES ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
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It is very tough to deal with ending of relationships, you can intellectualize, theorize, rationalize, but it won't help much, you have to go through the pain de pairbonding period is tough.... and is a process we all have to go through unfortunately... I did couple of post recent about this issue:


 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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95
Skills, I agree. The premise of this thread is not love though. But the step beyond love where I'm simply calling it an UNHEALHTHY OBSESSION. Stalking habits. Thinking about the girl almost literally 24/7. Suicidal ideation over break ups. The kinds of people who threaten suicide to keep the girl. Blackmailing to keep the girl. A friend of mine who had insane obsession called his g/f who wanted to end things, he called her with a handgun on his lap saying he would kill himself if she ended things. Another guy I once knew killed his ex and her new b/f with a gun randomly then killed himself.

This just goes beyond love by several steps and is almost always (or is 100%? related to mental illness). My unhealthy obsessions to not as bad as the examples I gave, but my obsessions do get to a very unhealthy extent. Which is why I posted this thread.

However, a regular break up is definitely within the frameworks you presented. And when my mental illnesses were lessened and under handle much better (therapy, meds, a great life, being ripped AF irl, great friends, etc.). Then my break ups were "normal" in the context of just "regular" "Love". Not with the common and extreme symptoms of unhealthy obsessions with girls.

I just wanted to present SOME solutions and methods that helped me greatly. As well as let other guys know they are not alone. It's a very serious issue, although mostly secretive except in the news and from close friends due to the shame related to it and the negative connotations related.

Also, good to see you Skills, from Sedfast. My name was also Water on there.
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
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Skills, I agree. The premise of this thread is not love though. But the step beyond love where I'm simply calling it an UNHEALHTHY OBSESSION. Stalking habits. Thinking about the girl almost literally 24/7. Suicidal ideation over break ups. The kinds of people who threaten suicide to keep the girl. Blackmailing to keep the girl. A friend of mine who had insane obsession called his g/f who wanted to end things, he called her with a handgun on his lap saying he would kill himself if she ended things. Another guy I once knew killed his ex and her new b/f with a gun randomly then killed himself.

This just goes beyond love by several steps and is almost always (or is 100%? related to mental illness). My unhealthy obsessions to not as bad as the examples I gave, but my obsessions do get to a very unhealthy extent. Which is why I posted this thread.

However, a regular break up is definitely within the frameworks you presented. And when my mental illnesses were lessened and under handle much better (therapy, meds, a great life, being ripped AF irl, great friends, etc.). Then my break ups were "normal" in the context of just "regular" "Love". Not with the common and extreme symptoms of unhealthy obsessions with girls.

I just wanted to present SOME solutions and methods that helped me greatly. As well as let other guys know they are not alone. It's a very serious issue, although mostly secretive except in the news and from close friends due to the shame related to it and the negative connotations related.

Also, good to see you Skills, from Sedfast. My name was also Water on there.
oh i see! the reason i never got to that extreme ever, is cause i have been on the other side of things, and seen this behavior from women, i had a recent episode were i was at the other end, girl tried to commit suicide, i just think guys get zeroed out, as much as i hate the red pillers that is one useful concept that explain what happens .... Oh water i remember you...
 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Messages
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Yeah, I haven't been on the other side, but still, it depends a lot on current life circumstances in my personal experience. When I was banging multiple women and was exercising regularly and eating healthy and hanging with positive people and friends and pursuing my goals / dreams, basically I was on my Purpose, on the road to my Destiny, was when I was least susceptible to these unhealthy obsessions.

But when my life is falling apart I think I'm latching onto any girl or attention even from low quality girls, because the rest of my life feels empty. To sum up my theory, If you make the girl your universe, then any positive attention from her is like finding your place and belonging in the universe, and nothing else matters, only her approval.

That's how I felt anyways, really hard to put into words. I'm currently getting over one of these unhealthy obsessions at the moment. It's like you KNOW 100% that what you're doing is WRONG and UNATTRACTIVE and WILL PUSH THE GIRL AWAY or you've ALREADY LOST HER or you NEVER HAD HER. Yet, you'll still do the actions anyways. Like literally getting on your knees and begging the girl to stay (I haven't gotten on my knees, but unhealthy obsessions cause me to literally beg and degrade myself to a disgusting degree). Harass the girl out of some deep fear of abandonment. Not stop contacting her until she replies or whatever, if she ends things it's painful to a suicidal extent.

Uh... The main thing is no girl is worth it, so you have to delude yourself and lie to yourself about her worth. The girls I've been obsessed with were not special in any way (though you could make the argument that no girl is special, but I mean statistically, like what % of girls is she better than in general terms or in my personal preferences). They weren't particularly attractive. Or smart. Nor were their personalities much fun. We often had strongly clashing personalities and preferences. Also, in terms of pathetic or wrong behaviors, it an drive guys to literally harass the girl (in the legal sense of the term, where the girl can get you in legal trouble if she wanted to).

Physical pain and emotional pain activate the same parts of the brain, mostly. I've been in a car accident where I almost died and had to get lower spine surgery. And the girl ending things or cutting contact / ghosting me 100% when I have an unhealthy obsession with them is literally more painful than the car accident I was in and the surgery I had to endure.

Not sure if an abusive childhood also contributes, specifically the opposite sex parent. My mom would say the only thing that'd make her happy is if I died before I was 10. Hold a kitchen knife to my neck. Chase me with boiling water. Etc. I've gotten over it mostly with therapy and such, but those are a few examples that may have diminished my self-worth or I am emotionally trying to repeat my childhood with my mom with the girls I'm with? Who knows, I'm going over analytical lol.
 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Messages
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oh i see! the reason i never got to that extreme ever, is cause i have been on the other side of things, and seen this behavior from women, i had a recent episode were i was at the other end, girl tried to commit suicide, i just think guys get zeroed out, as much as i hate the red pillers that is one useful concept that explain what happens .... Oh water i remember you...
I'm curious if I could adopt your mindset permanently and never experience these unhealthy obsessions even once for the rest of my life, without the "crutch" of a good life circumstance, and not even be susceptible when my life is falling apart. I'll try finding or asking around about such experiences and think about times girls have acted remotely similar to this.

I've heard about girls doing this kinda stuff but I haven't been on the receiving end. I've always one night standed most of my lays and the relationships I've had were VERY short and superficial in terms of length for the girl to get invested enough to get to that extent. But I fall fast and hard so it's easier for me to get into that unhealthy headspace?
 

William Wallace

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Well i'm autistic so i can feel the obsession, and i do sadly though some of the things here. i try and divert the thoughts to date planes or something instead but. yeah the girl i'm slighly obesseing about when she reached out after to me after 3 weeks where we didn't talk.

i know about my obession and i guess i try to suppress how much i like her? to suppress my obsession doubt it its gona work out in the long run.
 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Messages
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Well i'm autistic so i can feel the obsession, and i do sadly though some of the things here. i try and divert the thoughts to date planes or something instead but. yeah the girl i'm slighly obesseing about when she reached out after to me after 3 weeks where we didn't talk.

i know about my obession and i guess i try to suppress how much i like her? to suppress my obsession doubt it its gona work out in the long run.
Suppressing emotions never works. We have a limited reserve of will power. You can use suppression as a crutch in the beginning. But in the end you have to learn to minimize the emotions to an extent that you can handle or dissipate them completely (I'm only referring to the amount of emotions between Love and Unhealthy Obsession, only the feelings within that gap). I'm trying to figure out what would work for me as well.

I've learned in my life to never suppress my emotions as they come out elsewhere in different ways. Use your emotions or figure out ways to cope, redirect them to healthy actions / hobbies, or even set aside a time of day where you can obsess as much as you want, and the rest of the day tell yourself you're going to save it for that time.

Don't suppress your emotions. Accept every part of yourself as you are, even the "flaws" and what you don't like. You can want to change and work towards changing. But I believe full self-acceptance is necessary for growth.
 

William Wallace

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Suppressing emotions never works. We have a limited reserve of will power. You can use suppression as a crutch in the beginning. But in the end you have to learn to minimize the emotions to an extent that you can handle or dissipate them completely (I'm only referring to the amount of emotions between Love and Unhealthy Obsession, only the feelings within that gap). I'm trying to figure out what would work for me as well.

I've learned in my life to never suppress my emotions as they come out elsewhere in different ways. Use your emotions or figure out ways to cope, redirect them to healthy actions / hobbies, or even set aside a time of day where you can obsess as much as you want, and the rest of the day tell yourself you're going to save it for that time.

Don't suppress your emotions. Accept every part of yourself as you are, even the "flaws" and what you don't like. You can want to change and work towards changing. But I believe full self-acceptance is necessary for growth.
i know if i truly fall in love with someone it will i will truly and hardly fall. its something with everyman in this family they lose there percived unicorn girl, then they go celibate
 

Tank

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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As dark as it sounds, swinging the other way and cultivating an avoidant attachment style out of virulent jadedness can actually have the effect of stabilising you towards a reasonable enlightened middle in the long run.
 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Messages
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As dark as it sounds, swinging the other way and cultivating an avoidant attachment style out of virulent jadedness can actually have the effect of stabilising you towards a reasonable enlightened middle in the long run.
How would I do this? This was one of the possible options I was weighing. I've been thinking of about a dozen different possible courses of action to take. If possible, explicate in detail, if you have the time.

And no, that doesn't sound dark at all. But then again, I also have very loose morals and am not judgmental of 99% of things.

Hope you're doing well and that you're safe. Looking forward to seeing you when you visit the states this year. (Hopefully this is the same tank I'm thinking of lol)
Tank and Water takes New York. :cool:
 

Tank

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Yep it's me bro.

Really just think about all the times that women shitted on you and generally mistreated you, and ruminate on it. Then periodically take a few months off women entirely every year, to recognise you don't really need them at all.
 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
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Yep it's me bro.

Really just think about all the times that women shitted on you and generally mistreated you, and ruminate on it. Then periodically take a few months off women entirely every year, to recognise you don't really need them at all.
Won't that make me misogynistic? I'm trying not to be that. I have to make a pretty big effort not to. But perhaps my effort in not being misogynistic is part of this problem?

Any other steps you could recommend other than those 2 action points.
 

Tank

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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No, and in fact the problem is that you perceive this to be misogynistic in the first place.

Ultimately women are people who respond to incentives and ultimately care most of all about themselves and their ends. The problem with guys who get excessively attached is that they think instead women are perfect angels. They are people, and society has, due to the high level of thirst in society, created a perverse set of incentives that allows them to get away with all sorts of shitty behavior. That doesn't mean they are at their core shitty people, just flawed like everyone.
 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
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No, and in fact the problem is that you perceive this to be misogynistic in the first place.

Ultimately women are people who respond to incentives and ultimately care most of all about themselves and their ends. The problem with guys who get excessively attached is that they think instead women are perfect angels. They are people, and society has, due to the high level of thirst in society, created a perverse set of incentives that allows them to get away with all sorts of shitty behavior. That doesn't mean they are at their core shitty people, just flawed like everyone.
Agreed. Any other possible actions? I'd just like to cover all my bases and be as effective as possible. Due to the nature of my problem and how ingrained it is as well as the duration of time (decades) these emotional habits have existed, I need a lot of time and work to get over this.
 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
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Also, I've got my motivation back. Watch out. Once this quarantine is lifted, you're getting a run for your money, man.

Just Watch Me.
 

Tank

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Make sure to take a few months off women completely and just do things for yourself. It does wonders to realise you don't really need them to be happy
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
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Make sure to take a few months off women completely and just do things for yourself. It does wonders to realise you don't really need them to be happy

Stop stealing my content lol... ^ this and quarantine is/was the perfect opportunity for many to do such thing...
 

Water

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Make sure to take a few months off women completely and just do things for yourself. It does wonders to realise you don't really need them to be happy
I've done this countless times. I know intellectually I can live without them. But once attached to an obsessive level, logical goes out the window. It's like, "I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE" but I intellectually know, "This doesn't mean anything in the big picture and I'll only go through 1-2 months of painful pair-bond withdrawal, but I just am trying to avoid that for some weird reason." So, a deeper solution is needed, at least for me.

I've been able to live in literal perfect isolation for months on end (literally, if I screamed at the top of my lungs not a single other human being would've heard me). And I stockpiled on food and stuff so I could stay home without interacting or seeing another human being and I was relatively okay, except for quirky habits you develop alone after long periods of solitude.

But aside from that extreme, I know I can live without a girlfriend or a romantic attachment mostly, but even with that knowledge, the intellectual knowledge doesn't transfer to me acting properly in an emotionally driven situation. I have a better grasp on it now than before, but still not good enough, and my reaction(s) are still very self-degrading and shameful.

I think I need a complete revamp, like perhaps swinging towards misogyny will help put me in the safe normal middle-ground, since I am on the side of imagining girls into unattainable perfection in my free time putting them on pedestals, future projecting, and projecting positive qualities that do not exist, or exaggerating ones that do exist, while downplaying negative qualities significantly or entirely ignoring negative qualities.

ALthough, misogyny is a rabbit hole I'm scared to go down. Either way, somehow fixing my attachment style permanently is what I need. I can do it with low quality girls and those who don't hook my emotions in the first place, but once I start developing stronger feelings, that's where a new attachment style would be most beneficial for me. I have absolutely no idea how to revamp an attachment style permanently without permanently settling for lower quality girls. In the past I had banged and seen girls who I couldn't feel deep romantic feelings for, for long durations of time, and that didn't reset my attachment style.
 
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