Rock Bottom

[Smiling_Stray]

I've turned here because this place has helped me get my shit together in the past. It's been a while for me and so much is fucked right now i'm not even sure what prefix to give this... is there a prefix for my shit's seriously fucked??? (asking for a friend )

Anyway... recently my life's been just getting ripped apart I'm starting to feel like there's nothing I can do to control that. It's gotten to the point where I'm amazed I made it to this morning. I used to be on top of the world and for 9 months I've really been riding that high.

I guess it all started to come apart when I got pulled back into an addiction again (Video games not drugs, but I'd play for days nonstop at some points). I've been told i'm a really good writer and I was on my way to turning my blog that was getting progressively more attention into a book but at some point I just stopped writing. I think that's when I got sucked back into the games. I was exhausted socially at the time so I didn't bother fighting it (I'm introverted and I like to take a few days to myself sometimes to get my energy back, with the exception of people I basically live with). But whatever, excuses, excuses right?

Well, I got myself a better paying job I was liking a lot for a while and was able to break myself loose a bit. Eventually I was able to shake it enough to reach out to my close friend group (from my childhood, I'm 21 now) and make plans to go and play airsoft (not sure if that's well known enough here but it's an extreme sport that I've wanted to replace video games with as a healthy alternative). My friends and I where planning on filming our gameplay and posting it on Youtube later (ya know, have fun make some cash. Why not?) . But when I came back to them I was shocked. It was like I went away on a trip for a while and I came back to find everyone fucked my wife. They didn't seem like they had any respect for me at all in our interactions at all (It wasn't hard for me to see that they went behind my back and talked shit when I wasn't there and in other chats that I wasn't included in. One of them never invited me to his parties... this was my best friend...)

So I just thought to myself alright fuck all of you, and just walked away from my only (thought to be) friends. Then it happened again at work. I'd go in and work my ass off, maybe ask a few questions sometimes about new things I wasn't sure how to do. Sure enough I went out drinking with a friend (who I barely know) I made there and he told me about how almost everyone talks shit about me behind my back (saying that i don't know what im doing or that im such a slacker) . One of them even did it to my face. I normally just gave him a look and went on with my day. Most of them have since left and gone back to school. I stood my ground a bit more aggressively with the few who I still work with after that and I haven't heard anything. Still don't really feel respected there though, just a gut feeling right now.

So that wasn't too bad for me, I mean, I could just play airsoft and work alone, I was fine with that because I still had one support left in my life to lean on...

Yeah... not really anymore...

Just last night, I told my (now previous) best friend that I wouldn't be going to the beach with him. He told me to just take care of my mental health, it's fine. So I stayed home with my Girlfriend of 9 months now. We've spend all of those 9 months together in some way, through video chat, phone calls, and of course a lot of in person time. Neither of us have been so close to anyone in our lives. Sometimes I look at her and I'm still stunned. She does the same, even now. When I found her, she was borderline suicidal (she's very happy with life right now and has gotten help). I was riding a high off of everything, my writing was picking up and my friends where a lot of fun to hang out with still. But she was gorgeous, Impressively smart (like she's actually going to Georgetown to be a lawyer), and very charming in the sense that I knew she was very experience and going to be a lot of fun. I found myself just wanting to spend more time with her, I found we actually had quite a few things in common and things we didn't complimented each other nicely. She felt the same. I could on for days about all the shit we've done and been through but that's not the point of this post.

The point is, about a month and a half ago I dropped her off at her school 3 hours away from me and we wouldn't be able to see each other for a week more than a month and a half. I didn't want this because we had both seen this coming but I knew that we might not make it that long apart. I don't think many relationships would. But there was nothing we could do. She has foreign parents and she understandable wants them in her life so she had to go and work with them for a while for some of the summer until school started up again.

Last night, she told me she hasn't felt a spark between us for a few months. I can see where she's coming from. When I got sucked into video games, I let go of myself. I pretty much lost all my social skills, I forgot how to approach, I forgot how to have conversations that weren't so bland with anyone, really. I even noticed my voice slipping into a bad habit of talking with a nasally tone. And as a consequence, she started having less and less attraction to me. We can't really sleep together from so far apart, and I don't really have the fundamentals that made me... me, I'm not able to have the conversations she's nostalgic for between us. Where we could stay up until 5 in the morning talking about the dumbest shit.

Anyway, back to last night. She tried to break up with me. She said she didn't want to and that it might just be that we haven't hung out in person for so long but that she just didn't feel it anymore. I asked her what she thinks the problem is and she said she's worried about the long term. She's worried we won't be able to connect and have good conversations. She wants to be married to someone who makes her laugh and I haven't been able to do that lately. She also said that she's worried I don't have anything I'm working towards (as in I won't be able to provide for her), as I haven't gone to college yet (I flunked out before and gave up) and have had money problems a few times during our relationship in way that has put a strain on both of us.

We both fell into a sense of heartbreak, she cried but I couldn't I hadn't eaten anything yet and felt like if I cried as hard as I felt I would've thrown up. I just disconnected myself from reality and went somewhere I can't even remember right now. I think I went back to all of our greatest hits. The good times, you know? After a while she had a panic attack and snapped me back into the present before leaving the video chat abruptly. I looked around me and saw nothing left of my life but pain and misery. I wanted to die so bad but just didn't have it in me to do anything.

Flashback to when I dropped her off for college, I told her i didn't think we would be able to make it through these months and that I thought she was going to break up with me during our time apart. We hugged and she promised she wouldn't. It was quiet three hour drive home but when I got back she was already in the zoom meeting waiting as if nothing was wrong. I later found out she only felt like there wasn't a spark when I wasn't around for a while.

So last night, right after I had grabbed two bottles of pills I knew would do it she came back. I never closed the meeting and sure enough she came back before it closed. I hadn't opened anything or taken anything yet when she texted me that this was stupid and that we're not breaking up like this. Kept texting me to let her in the meeting. I locked away the pills and hid them, then I let her in. She said that she just feels like she's just not in a good place right now (her parents have this effect on her) and that she was going to keep her promise and wait until after we've had some time together in person (as in a few days living together) before she makes any big decisions. We talked further about what was bothering her and agreed it was time for me to go back to college rather than move into an apartment. This would reassure her about my stability and I would be able to work the job I always wanted (I always planned on college but I just wanted to move out first, guess I just needed a reality check).

We won't be able to see each other in person again for at least a week, then after that another week before we can really spend more than two days together. I'm very worried that we won't make it through these next few days. Feels like we're on life support right now and she's waiting to pull the plug.

Anyway, not quite sure what im asking her other than how do i even begin to get my shit together again?

I don't really have the energy to edit this, if there's anything you don't understand just ask.

 

[Tony D]

I would suggest you get help. When you're talking about suicidal tendencies, professionals could be helpful. I'm a life coach as well as a pickup instructor, dating expert. I give free coaching sessions. If you want to talk to someone just pm me. Otherwise you could find a therapist or counsellor?

You have depression. This much is obvious. Depression isn't a disease. It's usually just the result of bad habits, and negative thought loops. You can get better but it's going to take work. Posting here and admitting you have a problem is a great start.

 

[POB]

I know it's hard, but what you are experiencing is a very serious symptom of lack of proper male guidance.
When we are still young and unsure of ourselves we all need a strong masculine figure in our lives to tell us that sometimes life sucks, but we must push through till we get to the other side.

It's not necessarily a father (it can be sometimes), but someone like an uncle, a coach, a mentor or someone you work with who's above you in both skill and experience (like a japanese senpai). Killing yourself will end the pain, I get it, but will also cease any good deeds and joy you could create for those around you. It's a very selfish act if you think about it.

I've been through this shitty dark phase right around when I was your age, so I know what you are going through! It's terrible to feel that lost, I know.

But believe me, if you seek professional help, therapy will sure help you rediscover your purpose in this life! I'm sure you gonna look back at it like a necessary step to get to a better place!

You are already going in the right direction just opening up like that, now it's time to go get outside professional help.

 

[Smiling_Stray]

I want to thank everyone for suggesting I get professional help and responding to my post already as well as you have. Though not to rain on everyone's parade, but I've mostly opened up because I just don't give a fuck. I am still trying. I've been in and out of therapist and psychiatrist offices before, never really helps me as much as taking time with those close to me.

But I don't know that I have a whole lot of those left so i'll consider that. But what about my friends, my work, myself, my girlfriend? I mean, is there anything I can do about any of these or is it too late and I should just get myself ready to start over?

I feel like this is the appropriate forum for questions such as this, no?

 

[Will_V]

I want to thank everyone for suggesting I get professional help and responding to my post already as well as you have. Though not to rain on everyone's parade, but I've mostly opened up because I just don't give a fuck. I am still trying. I've been in and out of therapist and psychiatrist offices before, never really helps me as much as taking time with those close to me.

But I don't know that I have a whole lot of those left so i'll consider that. But what about my friends, my work, myself, my girlfriend? I mean, is there anything I can do about any of these or is it too late and I should just get myself ready to start over?

I feel like this is the appropriate forum for questions such as this, no?

What are some things you think you could do to start improving your life?

Do you go to the gym? Do you eat well? Can you create a consistent routine within even a very short period of time each day? Can you offer something to the people you value in your life - some conversation, a smile, help with something, given for its own sake without the expectation of anything in return?

Most problems in life can be solved by putting one foot in front of the other. The problem is that when problems have developed so much, have grown so large, putting one foot in front of the other seems like a waste of time. But it's not. That next step, though it may accomplish nothing great, though it may not change anything substantial, is exactly, precisely, where all of your responsibility lies.

Think of it like a war, you are surrounded by chaos and mayhem, you have no idea what the overall situation is, whether things are already lost or whether they can still be won, and you are oppressed by the feeling that you are one meaningless soldier who could be gone in any instant, whose position in the world might not amount to anything more than another body in the dust.

Then there is no use worrying about the bigger picture. The space in front of you is your entire world. The enemy standing in front of you is the only one that you must defeat. And the very next action you take, is the only one that matters.

If every soldier, at every moment, took complete responsibility for the very next thing they had to do, what war could not be won? What man, who can take each small step as if it is his entire purpose, cannot transcend any chaos or tragedy?

Focus on the small things, treat them as if they were given to you by someone you do not want to disappoint, and give them all the meaning you can muster.

And in time, the war will be won.

 

[POB]

But I don't know that I have a whole lot of those left so i'll consider that. But what about my friends, my work, myself, my girlfriend? I mean, is there anything I can do about any of these or is it too late and I should just get myself ready to start over?

You never stop to work! Even if you hate what you are doing right now, you are still learning valuable lessons and skills that you can use later when you have your own thing going (which by the way you should start to do right now!).

Pick your 2-3 best friends and open up with them about your situation. They'll get it. The rest can wait till you are feeling better.

About your girl, that's a tough one. By what you said, she's somewhat as lost in life as you are. My take is that women are generally more trouble than solution, especially when you are young. Good for sex and fun, bad to get closer to if you are not mature enough as a man.

At that time when I was younger and feeling like shit, I always had greater improvement when I was by myself, and not trying to help fix chicks problems.

Girls always have a lot of problems, just because they love emotional ups and downs. And most of the time they don't want to fix them. That's how they are wired. To get your little rocked boat into their emotional storm is not the wisest course right now IMHO. It's better to keep emotional distance and just have fun with them to keep your health (and biology) in check.

Focus your whole energy on YOU now!

Those are my 2 cents....

 

[Smiling_Stray]

Well, I have a bittersweet update.

Lets start with the part everyone seems most caught up on:

I no longer want to die (I'm still in crippling pain and am a bit away from saying I'm happy.... I'm actually still quite disgusted with my life at the moment).

I am considering talking to my old friends again in time (not right now though, I just can't see them being of any help. They're not the best with emoting). Until then though, I'm planning on going back to therapy (I already have a therapist in mind).

Now for the bitterest and (personally most important part to me):

My girlfriend has finally made her way back to college and away from her misery inducing parents. She would have three roommates (all women obviously), however they weren't there yet. Her parents weren't there anymore either. So she called me over and I came. There was some drama with finding parking in the bad part of the city but it all worked out and we spent the night together as well as most of the next day. Having finally been able to be sexually intimate, we had no hesitation at all there. It was nice long night she seemed to enjoy it very much.

We had breakfast and went out, did some stuff in the city together, had a bite to eat. Then I had to go home.

I decided to check in with her about the relationship and see how she was feeling as this felt like a final goodbye rather than an "I'll see you later" sort of thing. What I heard was hard to swallow... (this is something I like about her, she's very analytical about everything and is brutally honest with me. She's found this website too, and as someone who swings both ways loves it.)

She said she still wasn't sure. She knows it would be easier to be with me but she doesn't see a happy future in the relationship anymore, saying that I don't seem stable enough for her (more on this in a minute) and that she just doesn't feel that spark anymore (more on this too in a minute). She just doesn't want to make a choice she's going to regret. She feels like she'll regret both options but doesn't want to waste too much time.

She went on about the problems she sees, and I made sure to keep an eye out for things to take away from this. So this is what I've got:
She doesn't feel like I'm stable in the sense of money and education. (and one other gut-wrenching thing I'll get to shortly)

Money: I've been scraping by paycheck to paycheck lately and it's stressed the shit out of her as an ambitious career oriented women who works full summers and has thousands in her bank account (although she also understands she doesn't have to make the same payments as me thanks to her big bucks parents who still wrongly think they're poor XD ).

Although there's a better paying job I can walk to and save money for gas on at a bank literally right in front of my house that pays better than either of us have ever been paid (about $20 an hour with training). I know I can get that job and made it clear to her I'm going to. (in fact, she's well aware of everything I've written here. I made sure to talk to her about all this)

Education: She doesn't see me going to college for something I want that'll be able to provide for us and actually succeeding. I was going to college online when we met for a bachelors in journalism so I could actually get my foot in the door as a writer, professionally. I ended up flunking out and destroying my GPA since I rarely actually attended class or did any work.

I'm currently planning on re-enrolling online to get my GPA back up this winter (thus allowing me to get into my preferred college in the summer) after I finish paying off my car and just focusing on school unlike how I did last time when I tried to half ass work and school at the same time.

"Never half-ass two things, whole-ass one thing." -Ron Swanson

(Additionally my preferred college just so happens to coincidentally to be much closer to her school than where I am now) Now, I'm not sure if writing would be something that could actually provide but I'd willing to minor in something else too just in case.

But this last problem was the biggest gut punch of them all:

She doesn't find me attractive in a sense of charm or game like how I was when we first met and it shows in conversation. For her to feel my touch and being intimate again was really nice but she just doesn't feel anything more for me at this point than she would a hookup. The sex is great but doesn't feel an emotional spark anymore. She likes my company sometimes still but doesn't get excited to talk anymore (no more butterflies), everything just feels empty to her because she just doesn't find me that attractive anymore in that sense (although still very much so visually).

I completely see where she's coming from here. After a while, I made a common mistake: I just let myself go. In her words, I lost my mojo. I saw it happening throughout the relationship but just never really made the time to maintain my game or myself sometimes even. I just got caught up in work, video games, and the relationship. I even stopped writing (which I don't think is a good sign for wanna-be writers). So I'm working on my fundamentals again now. She's even okay with me flirting and going out with other women right now. Not exactly sure if I'll be able to get to the point where I'll be able to rekindle in time before the relationship officially dies (I've got four days starting now until we meet for the last time, she'll be coming over and staying with me for another four days to really give us a chance but also to gather her things). But I'm fighting until the bell rings on this one. She is too, even longer than that actually.

She said she's never had anything like this with anyone, ever. That I've really been a positive change in her life. And doesn't see it happening again with anyone else. She wants to keep in touch somewhat afterwards if this ends (and it probably will, I feel). But she said she will always be willing to hear me out and try something to make a relationship work between us. Even after we part ways.