Seeing a girl at work. Hot and Cold. Flaking

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
17
Hey everyone , first post here . I’m new to this whole seduction game but have learnt a lot over the last couple of weeks.

A little bit of background on me, I’m 26 ,was always pretty shy but gained a lot of confidence Over the past few years . I just got out of a 4 year relationship last October when I started a new job.

Anyway now to the main story. When I first started the job I noticed that one of the receptionists was very attractive but I was still learning the ropes and so for the first few months didn’t really talk to her or pay much attention. Then after Christmas I we ended up doing some late shifts where it was just me her and one other person, we got to talking. People at work started taking notice I was spending a lot of my free moments at the reception desk, (I work with women and I’m the only man) they started asking me if I was interested in the receptionist (let’s call her Amy). I obviously was but I avoided answering these questions, unknown to me they were asking her as well , one of my colleagues who was the main person playing matchmaker came and told me that Amy found me really good looking but wasn’t sure if I liked her, at this point I seized the situation and got Amy’s number and told her I’d message her to set up a date

First date

We set up a date for the weekend on Saturday, we were texting a lot that week and talking at work when we got the chance. However during that week she managed to get quite ill , was coughing a lot, and looked overall pretty sick. So I said we could reschedule to next week. But she insisted she wanted to meet up. So Saturday comes she texts me she has a an awful headache , so I message back saying that does she want to reschedule , she sapologises and says that she really doesn’t want to let me down but she feels lousy . I said that it’s okay and we could meet up next week when she is feeling better. But again she insisted that she doesn’t want to wait a weeks so she’ll take the day and rest and meet up on Sunday .

So Sunday arrives I pick her up late afternoon and we go to a little hangout place near where she lives, we spend a few hours there playing some board games and chatting,then after that we head to a coffee place get some coffee and sit in my car for over an hour and continue talking and having a great time. Now this whole time I can tell she’s really quite ill, she’s doing her best to hide it but She’s coughing and sounds sick. So anyway the time comes to take her home. We get to her place and she says let me give you a hug and she goes inside. I was kind of disappointed not to get a chance to go in for the kiss, but considering she was sick I just chalked it up to that. Anyway I get home and message her saying “ I had a really good time” and that we should definitely do something again. She responded saying that she also had a great time and would definitely like to see me again.


Second date

So the following week she is off from work because she got even more sick, and I ended up getting sick too, we keep texting during this time period flirting etc. My colleagues at work are all being very nosey asking how everything is going so it kind of puts a pressure around the whole situation which i found annoying but I just ignored it. So once we are both recovered from our illness. I ask her out again, this time to the movies (Ik this isn’t the best date for seduction but she doesn’t really like going out to eat and has a low tolerance for alcohol so drinks and food places were kind of off the list.)Anyway we plan on going on the weekend but again she gets a major headache ( something she does tend to suffer with a lot at work) but is very quick to reschedule for the Wednesday after work.

So we got to the movies , we were whispering , laughing and touching ( nothing overtly sexual ) throughout the whole film. I take her home afterwards but again she goes in for the hug, ik I should have probably moved for the kiss at some point but I didn’t so I think ah well next time for sure I’ll make make my move. Again I text saying I had a great time and would love to see her again, and again she says the same.


I suppose I better add that throughout this we’d been texting a lot , being flirtatious and sometimes overtly sexual, she told me some really personal things about her ,I found out she had quite a lot of sexual experience as well, definitely much more than me. She also said that she feels really nervous and shy around me (in a good way) . She had also called me babe a few times when texting good night , the first time I didn’t reciprocate but I did the second time.

The start of the troubles

Anyway a few days after the movie date everything is going well the texting is still going on , she still seems into me, then
One day she doesn’t message me back , so I leave it a day or two then she messsages me saying sorry but she’s just had a stressful few days. I asked her what she was stressed about, she informs me that her ex that she broken up with just before Christmas has been giving her some drama . She says that she still wants to see me but that she just wanted to be honest and let me know that he’s still messaging her, she says she doesn’t want us to have any label just to have fun and be happy, I said having fun and being happy sounds good to me.

After that Her responses get slower and sometimes she doesn’t respond at all, when she didnt respond I’d give it a few days then rengage, we were still talking at work, and were still flirty but the contact outside of work had reduced a lot. A week or so goes by and I asked her out again, she said yes but where as before I gotten a solid day and time , now I got a vague “ I’m free next weekend”, so the weekend draws closer and I don’t hear back from her so I message her and ask if she’s still free and she says she is busy , I forget the excuse she used . Anyway the following week I decided to confront her. But in a non confrontational way. When I manage to get her alone at work I say that I know everyone at work was acting really childish about us seeing each other and I hope she hadn’t felt pressured into seeing me. She said “no way” that she would never agree to see someone she didn’t like , and it’s just that she’s been really stressed with everything going on with her ex.


The spark rekindled ?

Following that exchange she started responding to my texts again and being very warm and flirtatious , we would have quite deep conversations and it seemd like things are back on track. One day we were messaging and she texted me and said that “ I’m so different from every guy she’s been involved with” , she said they were all fuckboys. Anyway , So this renewed interest continues for a little bit and then I ask her out again and I get a seemingly enthusiastic yes but again I get a vague time period of availability , when it’s closer to the time I manage to get her to give me a day but when the day gets closer a prior engagement with a friend arises and she has to cancel the date.

So whilst this flakiness has been going on I have been reducing the amount I text her leaving days in between messages, but still engaging with her at work.

This week is asked her again when she was free and she said next week ( again vague) I asked her what day she said she wasn’t sure yet as she was going to be doing stuff with her sister .

There is probably more that I could mention but that’s the basic Crux of the situation. So what are your thoughts I know there’s lots I’ve done wrong since reading the website and posts here. But do you think it’s salvagable, I’d at least like to see if I can get an actual date next week before I move on but what do you all think . What’s my next move from here? All help is appreciated .
 

Lover

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
419
Location
Europe
Welcome on the boards, slimjim!

The following I'm about to tell you, is when I'm not considering the whole context and story between the two of you.

When she tells you stuff like

Slimjim said:
“ I’m free next weekend”
And when stuff like this happens:

Slimjim said:
and then I ask her out again and I get a seemingly enthusiastic yes but again I get a vague time period of availability
You should generally take these actions as clues that she's waiting for you to lead. Most women don't want to be the leaders in a dating context, they want the man to lead the courtship. She's looking for you to make things happen. A man that can lead the courtship to (great) sex, is a great mate and has high lover value. But he also just takes what he wants, which is attractive regardless of what happens between the two of you. Unfortunately, she won't play that role for you.

In your case, when you just take what you want, it will look something like this:
1) you ask her what her schedule looks like. You already did that, good.
2) she gives you a vague answer like "I'm free this weekend".
3) what you do now, is simply to pick a day yourself. You can do this in two ways:

- Instead of waiting for her to tell you what a random Saturday will look like, you tell her what your plans are on that Saturday. Something like "I'm going to get an ice cream/go for a walk at [area/park] at [day and time]. Come join me/I'd like to bring you along :)". (Usually, it's best if the activity is something low key and low pressure, hence my examples)

- Or if you're not certain what you should be doing on that Saturday, just tell her "Save your Saturday evening for me. I will tell you the plans later ;)" When you tell her what to do, and she complies, then she's investing IN YOU. But there's also an element of surprise and tension too.. She might be wondering "What plans is he talking about??" which hopefully gets her excited.. And of course you won't tell her straight away if she asks you. You simply reply "You'll see :)"

There's also more of your post that could be addressed, but let's start from here and see what happens..

Best of luck!
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jul 24, 2015
Messages
1,395
What you are going through is exactly why I don't date women I work with. The fact your Coworkers are talking probably is putting the damper on her enthusiasm.

I regards to vague availability responses, I just state that I am doing something, and that she is welcome to join me. It is something I'll be doing solo or with her or with someone else if not her. If she is into me she will make an effort to accept or reschedule. Doesn't matter to me. I'm doing it any way. She's lucky to be able to be a part of it...
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
17
Thanks guys.

So update:

She agreed to go out with me to play some pool at a sports bar this Friday after work. Like I said I haven’t made any move to kiss or anything more yet so I’m guessing this is now or never to . Any suggestions on how you’d proceed
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jul 24, 2015
Messages
1,395
Lots of Kino. Greet her with a hug. Dance to the Jukebox, Play as a team against others. Hi five and hug to celebrate good shots.
Noisy? good speak low and make her lean against you to hear. Create an inside joke.
Find a place to walk to from there. Have her take your arm as you walk. if she is rubbing your arm with her other hand, good sign. When you are "Alone at last" and she is close, go for the kiss.just slide your arm around her waist and bring her in...
Go for the pull here. Know where you want to take her before you even go out.
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
17
So update

Date didn’t happen ,she cancelled on the day , she told me that she has a lot of drama going on at the moment with here ex, basically told me the he’s quite crazy and she’s worried that if he saw me picking her up and dropping her off hed think we’d been seeing each other while they were dating and she doesn’t want her drama causing me drama etc etc.

I said okay didn’t react negatively made as though it didn’t bother me . Anyway I kept things normal at work. Texted her on the Friday a little bit maybe 10 messages back and forth. Then again on sunday. Talked to her a little less at work but the talking we did do didn’t feel the same , i don’t know the vibe just seemed off i don’t know if it’s just in my head but that’s how it felt. Then Tuesday we are talking at work again and she’s actually being relatively talkative and friendly but still not the same I’m really happy to talk to you type talking she used to have. Then somehow the conversation turned to her talking about all these guys that currently text her despite her making it obvious she doesn’t like them. She said there were three guys texting her none of them sounded like me by her description but obviously that’s what’s running through my head. Do you think she was hinting here that she has made it clear to me that she’s not interested or was she just talking , it also seems odd that she’d mention how many guys are chasing after her to a guy she’s interested in unless she was trying to make me jealous but why would she when she already knows I’m interested ? So i said to myself I wouldn’t message her for a while, but ended up messaging something on Wednesday , which was greeted positively but still not as great as in the past. Tried getting flirty, she responded but not in the same flirty way she would have before.

So today we were talking about what we were doing over the long weekend, she mentioned she was going to see her dog( for a bit of context, this is the dog her ex bought her who stays with her ex currently, she mentioned previously how much she missed the dog but because of the break up she couldn’t see it) but she saw it last month and now she’s seeing it again over the weekend. So I made a little joke about custody battles, and she chuckled but said it’s okay cos her and her ex are on good terms now. This I found odd ... last week she didn’t want to see me cos her ex was causing her drama, but now they are on good terms I guess things can change in a week. But it seems odd, Do you think they are back together? she still calls him her ex but ,the change in momentum seemed to happen when he came back on the scene.

So overall I feel like I dropped the ball here, I should have moved faster , escalated physically all things I can see now. But because there was quite a strong attraction on her part initially , do you think it’s salvageable? What should I do from here? No contact? I’m away from work for 4 days so it’s possible to make myself scarce. I know a lot would say move on , which is a good point , but if you think it’s salvageable I like a challenge so I’ll give it a shot.
 

happydagger

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
17
A couple of quick thoughts:

Number one is you are too available. At this point you are almost an orbiter in her world, gratifying her ego in fine chaudie tradition (right up there with the other three losers that are texting her). Give her the gift of missing you. Become less available. Flirt with some other girls in the office. I believe you're slipping into boyfriend zone then friend zone partly because of the Ron Howard frame you're setting.

Second, she gave you a huge clue… All she ever dates are fuckboys. And you're so different...therefore no sex for you. If you want her you need to become the badass fuck boy that turns her on rather than the unfucked boyfriend frame that you're currently living.

Third, wake up and smell the coffee! She's fucking her ex and you're the only one who can't see it. Kinda like the scene from Midnight in Paris. At best you're her backup. Again, make yourself scarce. Let her miss you for a bit. Spike her then go cold. Let her see you flirting with others. Come back from lunch one day with your tie loose and some lipstick on your neck.
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
17
Yeah you’re definitely right, going to shift my focus from her, maybe she’ll come around again since there was attraction there initially. If not I guess just chalk it up to experience and on to the next one.
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
17
So I was wondering , is there ever a place for directly addressing a girl going hot and cold without seeming needy or weak. Or is is it always the case that just behaving as if you haven’t noticed it is the only way to deal with it.
 

happydagger

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
17
Nope. No way to directly address it without seeming needy or weak or like an orbiter. However you can do it indirectly as I suggested above by spiking and then going cold, or also called push-pull (or pull-push in this instance). For example walk up to her, pick up her left hand in your right hand as she's facing you, look down at her fingers for a second and then just fling her hand down and say "naw" and walk away.
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jul 24, 2015
Messages
1,395
OK so you need to back the fuck OFF........

if she has your number, simply tell her " you know where to find me when you are ready." And do NOT re engage her....

Read up on a "soft next" and be ready for that late night text saying something like she "can't be alone" . Then bang her hard at your place and kick her out before morning.

Other than that Leave her the fuck alone. If you don't you will become her emotional tampon and platonic cat toy...

Women with Ex-Drama usually are the ones creating it. Right now your only option is to be the rebound fuckbuddy, or the shoulder to cry on. There is no long term option here.
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
17
Update

So I followed your guys advice and went to see other women, I matched with a girl on tinder went out for some drinks on Friday. I played the whole date quite differently was more physical , kissed her soon was flirtatious had lots of fun, was also being swarmed by loads of other girls in the place so I guess that helped too. She invited me back to her place but was adamant nothing was going to happen. But it happened , all the way to early hours of the Morning . Her roommates made comments about our stamina to her after I left.


But damn guys I think she’s obsessed with me now, she’s saying she can’t stop thinking about me ,is texting non stop. I like her but damn. I didn’t plan to make her fall in love....this is crazy how do I go from bombing out and getting ghosted basically to being the centre of someone’s world... now what if work girl suddenly gets interested again ... I’m going to end up offending / hurting somebodies feelings that wasn’t the plan...

Send help guys .
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jul 24, 2015
Messages
1,395
The girl at work lost her chance. If she tries to re engage now is your best chance to friend zone her...If you are feeling pathological....make her your work wife and let her do you favors while you keep her at a distance. Don't ever totally reject her but let he do what so many FZ'ed guys do and orbit.

When you learn that you can be selective in who you spend time and energy on, it is a great power.

If you want to maintain this hookup then https://blackdragonblog.com/2016/05/09/ ... ationship/

https://blackdragonblog.com/2011/07/17/ ... -her-back/
 

ray_zorse

Modern Human
Modern Human
Joined
Aug 12, 2014
Messages
1,974
Location
Australia
Great advice from Lucky and Happydagger, but what really made me smile is the priceless no fucking nonsense approach from Fuck This. Cutting to the core of the matter as usual :) Anyway will be keen to hear about the balancing act with new girl, the drama-free addition to your rotation and expectation setting and the keeping of appropriate distance. Retention has been a hit-and-miss affair for me (actually a complex topic) so I will be keen to read the linked articles when I have time.
cheers, Ray
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
17
Hey guys so update time

So basically to recap what’s happened in the intervening months.

After things sort of hit a brick wall with the girl at work, like I said I met another girl and we hit it off. But I wasn’t feeling it that much and she was more into it than me so I kind of called a halt to it. Meanwhile at work I stayed warm with the work girl but stopped asking her out. We had a great rapport and I enjoyed her company . Anyway a few months passed and I noticed she would ask me what I was doing on the weekend almost as if she wanted me to ask her out again, but I didn’t bite. Long story short this kept on happening. Then I found out ex boyfriend was out the picture and she was in A lot better place . I took the plunge and asked her out again, she said yes after a couple of logistical hiccups we went out.

Great rapport as usual , I make her laugh a lot and she does most of the conversation, I learnt a lot about her she was very open talking sexually etc, but despite this her body language was Always a little closed and guarded . She’d touch me a lot at work but on the date less so.

But I’m sure she’s into me, at work we were talking a group of us about crazy exes and I mentioned that I’d had a few obsessed with me and she said I can see why a woman would be obsessed with you, ( this was before I asked her out again). Then she asked me if I was single a little later in the conversation , I said yes. Other things that make me think that she likes me is that there is a lady at work who is like her work mum she tells this lady everything. And this lady told me that work girl was going on and on about me , saying how I make her laugh, that she enjoys my company , how I don’t make her feel dumb like other people have etc. This work mom type figure is the only one she told this to , since the first time when the whole work place knew we were going out, the circus has died down and now no one else knows that things have heated up again which is something she mentioned to me that she liked the fact that no one else knows her business this time .

Work girl also told me that she misses me when I’m not at work that me being brightens up her day etc.. so from all the sounds of it she sounds smitten by me yet... look at what happens below

yesterday day I managed to get her alone in a great place logistically , we were touching sitting on the couch together close I put my arm behind her she seemed okay with that . Then I told myself now or never , so I went in for the kiss, but she said no I’m not going to kiss you, she had a smile on her face but she still rejected it, I laughed a little and said why not . She said because what if it doesn’t work out, it will be awkward at work. She said I really want to kiss you but we work together and I feel like if I kiss you and it doesn’t work out things will be awkward at work and everyone tells me you shouldn’t see someone at work etc.. Then she added that she’s also been talking to someone else ( which I already knew ) and she doesn’t want to be kissing both of us then have things go badly . During this conversation she was resting her head against mine leaning agains me quite intimate , holding my arm. I felt like I could have possibly persuaded her if I had said the right thing but nothing came to mind , so we just ended up watching some Netflix and talking with her holding my hand squeezing my arm. I think it was the most physical we had been . But it was almost like boyfriend girlfriend intamacy yet she didn’t kiss me... but the attempt to kiss seemed to open her up to more intimacy. Anyway I ended up taking her home. I joked that she must have got whiplash from curving my kiss so hard she laughed but also seemed annoyed that I suggested she curved me. She said don’t think I curved you it wasn’t a curve it was jus me... being me ( whatever that means.


So I’m thoroughly confused guys need some help. Am I friend zoned , am I too much boyfriend material ,doesshe like this other guy too much . Is it because I’m too much in her social circle at work? But then why cuddle with me? Where do I go from here? It seems like she wants to kiss me but is holding back because of fear of social consequence . In put is appreciated guys.
 

Overdoze

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
95
simple answer is
shes into you
but theres a barrier
she explitly tells you what it is
all you need to do is
pace her
and reframe providing a perspective that supports you being together
the more it seems right to her in the moment the better

eg
"i understand - i hear this too from various people", on the other hand it also seems that most people actually hook up to trough work (cause you can get to know people properly or whatever). And for me its just too timid to hold back in these areas because of what? a potential future risk? one that is quite manageable should it happen. life is too short/carpe diem."

and pretty girls always seeing someone (relating to the other guy). but you know hes just an option..

just of the top of my mind but jsut to be concrete

before hand you could engage this side of her more too through various means.
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
17
Hey thanks for the advice . I’ve kind of got myself into a funk since it happened. Been overthinking ,was in quite a nice groove feeling confident felt like I was making good progress. So the last minute kiss rejection had kind of thrown me. Feel like I should have persisted on the day now analysing little things were I think I could have pulled it around.

I Want another shot but I’m hesitant to ask her out again as it was only last weekend. Is asking her out this weekend too soon? I don’t want to seem too eager especially given there’s another guy on the seen. Is asking her out again This weekend a good move?

What sort of date should it be, drinks ? Coffee, just Hang out with me ( kind of what we did last time? ) ? Was thinking of bein ballsy and seeing if she wanted to spend the night or is that too far?
 

JacobPalmer

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jun 24, 2019
Messages
352
The kiss - this is just LMR, you needed to overcome it in a calibrated way, which you did not. You bought into her frame. I'd read up on LMR at this point.

Going forward......honestly I'd pull back hard again, see other girls, and always subtly hint that you're busy seeing other women.

You need to be really careful with girls you work with. You really have to tell her that you'll keep it professional and that nothing will change. And based on what I've read about you two so far I don't think that's manageable at this point. Don't eat where you shit.
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
17
Fair points. But I think I’ve still managed to keep it professional at work even after the first setback.

Anyway I asked her out again for this weekend and she’s agreed . Assuming that there’s no last minute flake. Any tips and points? Feel like her agreeing after the first rejection is a good sign surely it means she’s open to me trying again ? Or am I being a little optimistic there?
 
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