Seeing/Dating for 4 months, not sure what to think

student94

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Hi everyone,
I've been seeing this international girl since august (we both go to college in new york), and at first it was pretty rocky--I was chasing her, and she would give in sometimes, but she always seemed to have one foot out of the door. She is a very independent girl. As time progressed, we started sleeping together and she suggested dating. I took her up on the offer, but it never really felt like dating and the relationship quietly moved along. During this time she could be cold, many times treating me poorly, but not bad enough for me to leave her. One night before our college winter break, she publicly embarrassed me and I ended it the next day.

There was silence for about a week, and then after she approached me and made apologies and crying, I said we could be friends, and we ended up sleeping together (sex) right before we left for winter break. All winter break she would text me, make plans for what we would do when school started up again (which was in 2 months), etc very excited. She even bought me presents. Once we both got back, we immediately got together with lots of sex for a week. I had made it clear before that we were NOT dating or even exclusive.

Since coming back, she had/does seem less cold and more caring/patient, and is always suggesting things to do during the daytime (walking around, visiting museums, seeing movies), but recently she has started to be less interested in sex. Even though we do go out and do things (we are still not technically dating although we spend lots of time together), she has excuses/doesn't want to have sex nearly as much. She's likes having me sleep over, and hang out, but specifically not sex. This may be reading into it too much, but before we would have sex once or more a day. Now it might be a few times per week. Still, she brings up the question of our relationship status somewhat frequently, usually through indirect means.

Now, I haven't made any decisions about dating her yet. Frankly, based on the fact that she treated me poorly last year, I should move on. However, I am trying to understand whats going on here and would like some feedback if you guys are interested. What worries me is her loss of sex drive this early on.

What do you think?

student94
 

Franco

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student94,

Now, I haven't made any decisions about dating her yet. Frankly, based on the fact that she treated me poorly last year, I should move on. However, I am trying to understand whats going on here and would like some feedback if you guys are interested. What worries me is her loss of sex drive this early on.
This one is simple. You've reached the end of her rope with having things be non-exclusive and sexual, and now she's basically saying, "it's either relationship and sex, or nothing."

This is a natural thing for girls to do when they've been seeing a guy for a prolonged period of time in a sexual relationship without commitment (and by prolonged, I mean 3+ months). Essentially, you're trying to get what you want out of the relationship (sex) without giving her what she wants out of the relationship (a commitment).

You need to decide whether or not a committed relationship is something you would be willing to have with this girl, and you either need to give it to her (so she can feel satisfied and begin having sex with you again) or you need to peacefully part ways with her and let her know that a commitment is just something that is not in the cards for you right now. As it stands, she will continue to try to withhold sex from you and hope that you eventually commit to her so that you can get it back. So it's up to you as to whether or not you want to do that.

Either way, I wouldn't leave things in the state they are now. Neither of you are getting what you want, and that's not healthy for a relationship!

- Franco
 

girlsfollow

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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I certainly second what franco says. I've had this before and the worst thing you can do is not lead - to lead you need to made a decision as to what way you want to go, dont sit on the fence - thinking about it for any more than a few days isnt getting you anywhere. If you like her (which you seem to?) then you might want to give her a chance? I would add that you should very much keep your separate life intact - keep going out meeting friends and new people with your friends -when out with friends keep up the playful chat with girls you meet - she does it without even trying since shes a girl.
 

student94

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Thanks for the response guys, I guess this makes sense. My gut instinct at first was a negative one (she's lost attraction to me/trying to friendzone me). My problem recently has been that I assume that everyone's out to get me (especially the idea that all girls are out to play me), and I'm not sure how to overcome that, especially since I haven't had problems finding girls to hook up with. It's quite crippling when making decisions because I assume their intentions are the worst, but in this case her not wanting to continue our sexual relationship without commitment is not necessarily a bad thing--it just means that she wants to be with me in a more comprehensive way, if what you are saying is true.

Have you guys ever had the problem of thinking the worst of girls intentions? How might I overcome that?
 

girlsfollow

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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student94 said:
Thanks for the response guys, I guess this makes sense. My gut instinct at first was a negative one (she's lost attraction to me/trying to friendzone me). My problem recently has been that I assume that everyone's out to get me (especially the idea that all girls are out to play me), and I'm not sure how to overcome that, especially since I haven't had problems finding girls to hook up with. It's quite crippling when making decisions because I assume their intentions are the worst, but in this case her not wanting to continue our sexual relationship without commitment is not necessarily a bad thing--it just means that she wants to be with me in a more comprehensive way, if what you are saying is true.

Have you guys ever had the problem of thinking the worst of girls intentions? How might I overcome that?
How about you just dont worry about it (since you can't know - although the red flags are helpful)? - - make sure you dont change your life for her so even if her intentions are bad its not the end of the world
 

student94

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Very true. Thanks.

So a little update--the past week has been pretty telling of the direction this relationship is going. I think its pretty clear to her by now that were dating and she seems to still be excited every time to see me, but there is still not much sex going on. Tips?
 

Franco

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student,

I think its pretty clear to her by now that were dating and she seems to still be excited every time to see me, but there is still not much sex going on. Tips?
If it's been ~4 months that you two have been hanging out, then to her, you already have been dating. Until she KNOWS that you're in a committed relationship with her, she'll likely continue to withhold sex from you.

- Franco
 

student94

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How confident are you about this? It's a risky play to let her know outright that I'm committed to her when I don't even know how the relationship will turn out. What if I commit to her and she still doesn't put out? Is this a red flag? perhaps I'm not turning her on enough?
 

Franco

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It's a risky play to let her know outright that I'm committed to her when I don't even know how the relationship will turn out. What if I commit to her and she still doesn't put out? Is this a red flag? perhaps I'm not turning her on enough?
You don't bring it up to her first. Next time you see her, you simply push for sex again and wait until she brings it up the status between you two.

If you've gotten past the point where she brings it up, then you might have to prod it out of her. If she doesn't let you escalate, you can just ask her again, "so we're obviously both very sexually compatible, so why are we not doing this anymore?"

She'll probably take that opportunity to remind you that she wants something more serious, so then you can reply with, "well, let me give it some thought this week, and I'll get back to you." That will still put the power in your court, even if you accept her offer. I would probably just text her back in 2 or 3 days and then say that you gave it some thought, and you're willing to try the exclusive thing with her to see how it goes. She'll then probably be pretty ecstatic and try to verify that you actually mean it. She might do things like call you "baby" or get you to go out somewhere with her instead of just "hang out." If you do that once or twice, then she'll start sleeping with you again (and believe me, I'm sure she really wants to).

Of course, if you're not looking for an exclusive relationship with this girl, then you need to just let her go. So you need to make up your mind what you want to do with her.

- Franco
 

student94

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Ah ok, I see. So I brought it up with her, and I don't think the relationship label is the issue. She specifically told me that every time were together she knows I'm going to make a move, so its not as exciting for her and thats why she doesn't always want to have sex. Basically, we've fallen into a routine sort of when it comes to sex--her room, i attempt to have sex, and then we fall asleep. Ay guidance on how to spice things up?
 

student94

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to be clear, this situation might be a bit different from others since its a college relationship and we live very close to each other. We hang out nearly every day in some form or another, and the past week I've slept over her place every night (although without sex many of those nights)
 

Franco

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She specifically told me that every time were together she knows I'm going to make a move, so its not as exciting for her and thats why she doesn't always want to have sex.
In other words, she wants you to take her out somewhere and do something that's not sex so that things are different from the usual routine. Which sounds a LOT to me like her wanting you as a boyfriend.

Remember, we don't listen to what women SAY, we listen to their actions. While you might be thinking that there's something you're doing wrong sexually, what you actually should be realizing is that she's just trying to stall you out until you do things that a boyfriend would do. She's obviously playing her cards well. Don't be confused by what she has to say; it's not her job to know what needs to happen next: it's yours.

The fact that you're in college and/or live close to each other really changes nothing. Although, I do generally try to avoid getting intimate with girls who live within walking distance of me as things can potentially get ugly if you break up and start seeing other girls.

- Franco
 

student94

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Ok, well I'm fine moving forward with the relationship, however I'm not really sure how. I've never been in one before. Should I just start going on more dates off campus / suggesting more non-campus related activities? Sometimes it can feel forced. I guess valentines day is a good start?

Much thanks for the advice Franco, someone has their shit together ;)
 

girlsfollow

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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student94 said:
Ok, well I'm fine moving forward with the relationship, however I'm not really sure how. I've never been in one before. Should I just start going on more dates off campus / suggesting more non-campus related activities? Sometimes it can feel forced. I guess valentines day is a good start?

Much thanks for the advice Franco, someone has their shit together ;)
Yeh do something a bit date like going to a fairground or maybe even just the cinema/theatre a little earlier than usual and then go back to yours and cook together? Just thoughts on how I've seen these things progress..
 
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