Break Ups Should I keep trying with this girl, or move on?

[politepilot]

I’m in a situation I’m struggling to decide on, and I’d appreciate perspectives.


I’ve been seeing a woman for a few years — it started casual, but over time feelings grew on both sides. I’ve been focused on building a lifestyle that embraces freedom and variety in relationships, which hasn’t really been compatible with monogamy. Despite that, I found myself spending most of my time with her.


We’ve been through some ups and downs:

• I’ve been open about wanting to meet other women, which has caused tension.
• She’s expressed wanting a committed relationship, marriage, and kids sooner rather than later.
• We’ve had a couple of breakups or “pauses,” but she tends to come back into my life.
• I value her as a close friend — she’s supportive and helps me stay grounded.

The challenges:

• I’m not sure I’m ready for a committed relationship right now.
• Physically, she’s not exactly my “ideal type,” and I sometimes feel guilty that this affects how I see the relationship.
• I want to focus more on this lifestyle and my dating goals, and I’m afraid being “all-in” would hold me back.

If I continue acting naturally, I’ll keep helping her improve and support her — but strictly as friends, not trying to be intimate again.


I recently read Skills’ post about “locking in” a woman while you continue to date others and help her improve (“fixer upper”). I understand this is usually done with a main girlfriend or FWB. My question is — can that approach be done ethically, or is it better to be completely single while I focus on my goals?


Right now, she thinks we’ve broken up after our last conversation. I’m wondering whether I should try to salvage this or let it go for good.


Honestly, I worry that dumping her might be a mistake. But from what I gather, the “fixer upper” technique is advanced, so maybe I’m not ready to try it yet.

 

[Skills]

You need to move on... My post on fixer upper is ethical... My borderline posts are under dark seduction.... That post is for mains you are planning to stay with... Not your situation and girls you are into that you can optimize is not a reclamation project...

 

[Chase]

@politepilot,

What I hear:

• Not super attracted to her physically
• Not so crazy about her you'd gladly drop other girls to be with her
• Have fallen into a relationship with her because she's cool / hangs around
• Not enough better options than her that you can say "She's not my ideal so I'm not going to settle for her"
• Worried that you won't be able to replace her, even though she is sub-ideal

Your brain is going through the "Should I settle for this girl even those she's not ideal?" logic currently. That is always due to scarcity.

If you cannot get enough better options on the table fast enough (hotter, cooler, also a great connection/supportive), the odds go up you cave and settle for this girl. But the "Is she really the best I can do?" question will not go away -- it will always be there in the back of your head.

(As a point of contrast, imagine this: you have another girl just as caring and supportive as her, but this girl is your physical ideal. She is absolutely, absurdly smoking hot, with a perfect body. Also, she is absolutely everything you want from a personality and other characteristics standpoint. This girl has been very loyal but is at the point where if she can't get commitment from you, she too will leave. Do you feel any differently about committing to this girl? Why is the feeling with this girl different from the feeling with your current girl?)

When you are thinking about "should I commit to this girl?" the question for a playboy really needs to be "Would I be excited to commit to this girl?" then, if the answer is "no", next, "What do I need to do to have an abundance of women in my life whom I WOULD be excited to commit to?"

Then do that.

Then if you decide to commit at some point, it will be because you want to, not because you are afraid it is the only way to keep a woman around.

(Alternately: if you are not a player / not going to become a player / don't have a high likelihood of being able to get an abundance of ideal women in your life, then this advice does not apply. I am assuming you are motivated to learn game and capable of it -- if not, well, settling exists for a reason. A lot of people do it. Ours is not an ideal world!)

Chase