Break Ups Should I keep trying with this girl, or move on?

[politepilot]

I’m in a situation I’m struggling to decide on, and I’d appreciate perspectives.


I’ve been seeing a woman for a few years — it started casual, but over time feelings grew on both sides. I’ve been focused on building a lifestyle that embraces freedom and variety in relationships, which hasn’t really been compatible with monogamy. Despite that, I found myself spending most of my time with her.


We’ve been through some ups and downs:

• I’ve been open about wanting to meet other women, which has caused tension.
• She’s expressed wanting a committed relationship, marriage, and kids sooner rather than later.
• We’ve had a couple of breakups or “pauses,” but she tends to come back into my life.
• I value her as a close friend — she’s supportive and helps me stay grounded.

The challenges:

• I’m not sure I’m ready for a committed relationship right now.
• Physically, she’s not exactly my “ideal type,” and I sometimes feel guilty that this affects how I see the relationship.
• I want to focus more on this lifestyle and my dating goals, and I’m afraid being “all-in” would hold me back.

If I continue acting naturally, I’ll keep helping her improve and support her — but strictly as friends, not trying to be intimate again.


I recently read Skills’ post about “locking in” a woman while you continue to date others and help her improve (“fixer upper”). I understand this is usually done with a main girlfriend or FWB. My question is — can that approach be done ethically, or is it better to be completely single while I focus on my goals?


Right now, she thinks we’ve broken up after our last conversation. I’m wondering whether I should try to salvage this or let it go for good.


Honestly, I worry that dumping her might be a mistake. But from what I gather, the “fixer upper” technique is advanced, so maybe I’m not ready to try it yet.

 

[Skills]

You need to move on... My post on fixer upper is ethical... My borderline posts are under dark seduction.... That post is for mains you are planning to stay with... Not your situation and girls you are into that you can optimize is not a reclamation project...

 

[Chase]

@politepilot,

What I hear:

• Not super attracted to her physically
• Not so crazy about her you'd gladly drop other girls to be with her
• Have fallen into a relationship with her because she's cool / hangs around
• Not enough better options than her that you can say "She's not my ideal so I'm not going to settle for her"
• Worried that you won't be able to replace her, even though she is sub-ideal

Your brain is going through the "Should I settle for this girl even those she's not ideal?" logic currently. That is always due to scarcity.

If you cannot get enough better options on the table fast enough (hotter, cooler, also a great connection/supportive), the odds go up you cave and settle for this girl. But the "Is she really the best I can do?" question will not go away -- it will always be there in the back of your head.

(As a point of contrast, imagine this: you have another girl just as caring and supportive as her, but this girl is your physical ideal. She is absolutely, absurdly smoking hot, with a perfect body. Also, she is absolutely everything you want from a personality and other characteristics standpoint. This girl has been very loyal but is at the point where if she can't get commitment from you, she too will leave. Do you feel any differently about committing to this girl? Why is the feeling with this girl different from the feeling with your current girl?)

When you are thinking about "should I commit to this girl?" the question for a playboy really needs to be "Would I be excited to commit to this girl?" then, if the answer is "no", next, "What do I need to do to have an abundance of women in my life whom I WOULD be excited to commit to?"

Then do that.

Then if you decide to commit at some point, it will be because you want to, not because you are afraid it is the only way to keep a woman around.

(Alternately: if you are not a player / not going to become a player / don't have a high likelihood of being able to get an abundance of ideal women in your life, then this advice does not apply. I am assuming you are motivated to learn game and capable of it -- if not, well, settling exists for a reason. A lot of people do it. Ours is not an ideal world!)

Chase

 

[politepilot]

@Skills Yeah, it honestly feels like a charity case. I almost wish I wasn’t red-pilled, because now I can’t unsee her past — she was a slut, and she used to cut herself over daddy issues.


It feels heartless to dump her after I led her on this badly. I shouldn’t have done that, but I guess that was the romantic in me. Still, maybe the right move is letting her live her life without a guy who’s just staying out of pity.


@Chase So basically the advice is: move on if I’m gonna be a player. Which leaves me with the question — to be, or not to be, a player?


I’m kind of a wannabe player. I lowered my standards and hooked up with a lot of mediocre girls, then finally got one close to my ideal… and screwed it up, which caused a big dry spell. When I finally got my game back, I thought I was about to go on a tear — but instead I just ended up with the first girl I matched with on Tinder, which is her. She’s right on the edge of being just cute enough to settle for, but not hot enough to make me feel good in my body, if you know what I mean.


She says she only wants me because I wasn’t a player. She warns I can’t get girls, I’ll regret it, and she’ll never take me back. She says I’ll catch an STD. I tell her she got to have her fun, so it’s only fair I get mine before settling down. I suspect she’s bluffing and would take me back, but I can’t expect her to openly agree to that. She says life isn’t fair for guys, that I missed that period, and too bad — time to move on. (I’m 32, she’s 29.) I tell her I’m objectively not ready for kids; she says life happens and you do it anyway.


The thing is, I after I hooked up with the PAWG sorority girl 3 years ago I felt way better. My girl now is borderline fatty to me — I’m not attracted enough to want to go down on her. I have needs.


Since meeting her, I’ve leveled up my skills, and I’m confident I can get hotter girls — scarcity isn’t the issue. In fact, that was the only way I felt secure enough to even be in a relationship with her. Just the other day, I got the number of a hotter girl (haven’t texted her yet — I want to be sure before I blow this relationship for good).

 

[politepilot]

I guess I have my answer, because I feel like I need hotter girls. I want to be able to pick up chicks badly enough to outweigh the risks. I’ve been through way too much to just give up now.


If I hadn’t been a player, I could’ve easily gotten a hotter girl just based on my looks and luck. Staying with her feels like I’m “crashing out,” not settling.


Anyway, I’d still like to hear anyone’s thoughts.

 

[TomInHo]

Since meeting her, I’ve leveled up my skills, and I’m confident I can get hotter girls — scarcity isn’t the issue.

Then prove it by getting in a relationship with a chick you actually excited about

Without any real proof you can do better, its' all talk

 

[Skills]

Another case of making a main a girl that had no biz being main... About charity case, i know exactly what you are talking about girls know this as well and use this to guilt trip you... About hurting her, in a break up one or both will get hurt... There is a no hurt break up, the person being dumped just hurt more