Should I work on my core value to meet womens emotional need of connection?

William5

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I just lost an otherwise beautiful relationship of 6 months solely because I couldn't meet her emotioneel need of connection. She wants to feel constantly connected, my #1 priority (through messaging, calling, sharing our daily struggles, sharing news, articles and memes, etc...), while I'm content with just seeing eachother once or twice a week and spending the remaining time pursuing my life goals. I'm really down because of this. I've had previous relationships fail because of this too, is this a core value I could/should work on?

Thanks!
 

Lover

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Do you ever tell girls you're "content with just seeing each other once or twice a week" because you're spending the remaining time pursuing your life goals?

Are they aware of your life goals?

Do they see why it's important for you to be focused on your life goals? What does the pursuit of a life goal give you? What do you expect you will achieve?

If you have already told them the importance of pursuing your life goals and they still leave you, that's great! I know it may not feel like that when it happens over and over. But I tend to look at it this way: You have found one more person you were not compatible with. Can you tell me why anyone would be with such a person? She doesn't give you space because her emotions are the most important thing in the world. Then you move on and find someone who can accept you more.

But girls are not mind readers. And I think this is something most guys get wrong a lot that girls somehow knows everything you're thinking. If you don't tell them, they will just assume you have all the free time in the world to... I don't know, "connect" with them, entertain them, validate them etc. or whatever it is these lovely girls want from us. In a relationship, you will have to tell some of these things eventually. She may push for more investment anyway after that, and then you can tell her the deal can't be changed.

Girls head over heels about you are flexible if they know what they're dealing with. I would need more details, but from the headlines, it doesn't sound like you have to change your core values at all. Instead, make girls understand and accept your pursuits. She can go from "she wants to feel constantly connected" to "she understands this desire I have for my pursuits. It doesn't change the fact that she wants to connect, but she is okay with (as an example) calling 1-2 times per week".

Okay, this is just me assuming that you didn't tell them clearly because this is something that has happened to me and others I know too. But perhaps you can share more about if this is the case, or if other things are going on.
 

William5

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Hey @Lover. Thanks a lot for the reply, it made me think a lot. I was very explicit in my life goals and how I spent my time, so I feel there was no misunderstanding there. She complimented me a lot on my pursuits too, and she told me she was attracted to me because of this.

I'm 30 and she's 28. We talked a lot about her consistently looking to me for connection, validation and to make the choices in her life, and she understood that this is her shortcoming. She tried for the entire duration of the relationship to let this desire go but ultimately decided that she just wants to accept that this is what she needs.

I then told her that I didn't want to let her go, the reasons why I love her, why our relationship was so great (respect, trust, open communication) and that I'm working on my shortcomings too. I said I saw many more possible roads to take in the relationship to make it work, but she replied by saying that she was tired and exhausted. Depleted by doubting herself and our relationship. So we respectfully parted ways.

I'm filled with regret. I feel sorry that I couldn't connect with her more, that I sometimes radiated annoyance by stuff she did. I regret that I was convinced of my value of freedom and that I didn't try to see and text with her more. I feel remorse that she exhausted herself trying and I am left with the feeling that I still had plenty of energy to try more when it is now too late. This is why I'm questioning my values.
 

Skills

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I just lost an otherwise beautiful relationship of 6 months solely because I couldn't meet her emotioneel need of connection. She wants to feel constantly connected, my #1 priority (through messaging, calling, sharing our daily struggles, sharing news, articles and memes, etc...), while I'm content with just seeing eachother once or twice a week and spending the remaining time pursuing my life goals. I'm really down because of this. I've had previous relationships fail because of this too, is this a core value I could/should work on?

Thanks!
Are you sure this is why she left you? if so she was not the right girl to have in your life, the right girl will support your mission and not get in the way, and worst leave you due to that.....

Are you sure there is no other underlying issue, it does not sound right... (i had 2 girls that needed constant attention like you girl, but they never left me, cause i told them i could not see them every single day)
 

Skills

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Hey @Lover. Thanks a lot for the reply, it made me think a lot. I was very explicit in my life goals and how I spent my time, so I feel there was no misunderstanding there. She complimented me a lot on my pursuits too, and she told me she was attracted to me because of this.

I'm 30 and she's 28. We talked a lot about her consistently looking to me for connection, validation and to make the choices in her life, and she understood that this is her shortcoming. She tried for the entire duration of the relationship to let this desire go but ultimately decided that she just wants to accept that this is what she needs.

I then told her that I didn't want to let her go, the reasons why I love her, why our relationship was so great (respect, trust, open communication) and that I'm working on my shortcomings too. I said I saw many more possible roads to take in the relationship to make it work, but she replied by saying that she was tired and exhausted. Depleted by doubting herself and our relationship. So we respectfully parted ways.

I'm filled with regret. I feel sorry that I couldn't connect with her more, that I sometimes radiated annoyance by stuff she did. I regret that I was convinced of my value of freedom and that I didn't try to see and text with her more. I feel remorse that she exhausted herself trying and I am left with the feeling that I still had plenty of energy to try more when it is now too late. This is why I'm questioning my values.
take a look at this post and how me and a poster logic and reasoning face similar https://nextasf.com/forum/nextasf/off-topic/332882-my-desire-to-be-alone-is-increasing-and-increasing
 

FunGuy

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I agree with Skills but at the same time, he might not be as good as balancing or maximizing the limited time he gave her.

If your constantly busy, that should be the first card you throw on the table while dating. Let her know asap so that you won't waste your/her time. It sucks getting attached to someone knowing that the relationship is destined to fail, its not worth the emotional energy. I am currently super busy too, but I chose not to bother with dating atm because I know I have 0 time. Don't ever sacrafice your career goals for women, the only exception is if your career is making you miserable.

You could either go monk mode or focus on maximizing the limited time you spend with women. If you do decide to go monk, read this topic: https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/the-most-important-take-away-you-need-to-get-out-of-corona-lock-down.22968/
 

Lover

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Hey @Lover. Thanks a lot for the reply, it made me think a lot. I was very explicit in my life goals and how I spent my time, so I feel there was no misunderstanding there. She complimented me a lot on my pursuits too, and she told me she was attracted to me because of this.

I'm 30 and she's 28. We talked a lot about her consistently looking to me for connection, validation and to make the choices in her life, and she understood that this is her shortcoming. She tried for the entire duration of the relationship to let this desire go but ultimately decided that she just wants to accept that this is what she needs.

I then told her that I didn't want to let her go, the reasons why I love her, why our relationship was so great (respect, trust, open communication) and that I'm working on my shortcomings too. I said I saw many more possible roads to take in the relationship to make it work, but she replied by saying that she was tired and exhausted. Depleted by doubting herself and our relationship. So we respectfully parted ways.

I'm filled with regret. I feel sorry that I couldn't connect with her more, that I sometimes radiated annoyance by stuff she did. I regret that I was convinced of my value of freedom and that I didn't try to see and text with her more. I feel remorse that she exhausted herself trying and I am left with the feeling that I still had plenty of energy to try more when it is now too late. This is why I'm questioning my values.
Thanks for clarifying. Good that you're upfront about this. I'm sure we're many here that get where you're coming from. However, we cannot and will not do everything perfectly. And even when we're doing good enough, one party will sail away anyway.

I think for your next relationship, you need a more balanced approach without giving up on your values. Remember to always, always stay true to your life goals and the path you have chosen. But let's get to the juice.

Tell me this: when you're in a relationship, are you so busy and exhausted that you cannot spend 10 minutes texting/calling your girlfriend, or respond to a hilarious meme? Not even once every day, or a couple of times per week? Don't you ever take breaks? :D

And the most important question: Do you give up any freedom by doing this on some occasions?

These little things may look ridiculous to ambitious and busy guys... but in my experience, this is something girls need in a long term relationship (more than guys anyway). Actually, now I wonder if something is off with a girlfriend not looking for these small moments of connecting... but that's for another debate.

In your case, she most likely felt she was investing too much by trying to "please" you and didn't get much in return (you meeting each other once/twice every week with no communication in between). And you can't treat a girl you're in a relationship with the same way you treat her when you pick her up. Not if you want it to continue for a long time. Unfortunately, when you're a guy valuing his freedom, the "trade-off" of these small moments of connection is that she's eventually going to want more and more from you - not just in terms of these small moments, but also stuff like spending more time, get more experiences together, eventually moving in, marriage, children etc.

So the "trick", in my experience, is to use these online-connecting moments occasionally and balanced... if you don't do it at all, she may feel neglected and fighting an uphill battle just like what happened in your case. I don't have experience overdoing this myself, but I get annoyed if I feel that a gf was overdoing this herself.

But... and this is actually the most important point of it all. You must want to connect with her. All that I just wrote, won't matter if you simply don't want to connect with her. I'm not only talking about wanting her on a conscious level, but a visceral level too. You know when you have that feeling. It will feel wrong and fake to connect with her when you don't want to. And she may sense something's off but not being able to point out what is off...

So here you go
  • Stay true to yourself
  • It doesn't cost you a lot to connect with a girlfriend, but do it on occasion
  • There may be some trade-offs to doing this when you value your freedom
  • You must want to connect with her
PS. Writing this post just made me think about this article by Chase. Although it's more meant for face-to-face conversations, I'm sure some parallels can be drawn between the offline and online bids for connection.
 

West_Indian_Archie

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The TL DR/Answer to the question in the title - you'll need to learn about female communication style (consensus building and sharing feelings vs problem solving) and you'll need to learn about emotional intelligence (i.e. being considerate about others before you say or do anything)

The TL DR of the Long Part - Don't change yourself for a woman or women. Only change yourself for yourself. Emotional Intelligence and Female Communication styles open up a can of worms, and more often than not - they punish you for changing - in terms of more obligations and less sex.

The Long Part

A few things are happening in this post that are much bigger than the title.

1) You don't have a lot of experience with women
2) She wants to see you more (which takes you off your mission)
3) You don't want to see her as much as she wants to see you. The relationship is imbalanced.

These things? I think you'll eventually figure them out.

#2 especially - a girl that hinders your mission, be it working out, making money, your art - is not a girl that you should have an LTR with.

#3 is something that more intermediate players like, because having a girl more into him than he is into her, allows him to control her. I have been there and done that, and in my wisdom, that sort of imbalance doesn't do anything for me, as I don't want to control the girl, I want to control myself. That's a personal decision.

But the real game lesson is in #4 imo.

4) She wants you to talk to her in a way that's most comfortable to her.

This is what sparked the post. You want to change yourself so that you're more emotionally available and can communicate your feelings - for the express purpose of keeping chicks around - not because you see value in it for yourself. (that's problematic, but opening that discussion is way bigger than your issue)

She wants you to talk to her the way that her girlfriends talk to her (female communication style), and she implicitly wants you to have some emotional intelligence (i.e. you must always consider your actions vs her feelings)

In your mind, and given your current pain, this seems like a reasonable request, that would be easy to grant.

But this is like having a first date with her, her friends, and family, while trying to bang her the same night.

It's possible, but it's a minefield. And you don't have a metal detector.

What she's asking you to do is something that will be very difficult.

Your goal seems to be to want to keep girls around.

The better you get at the pull, the more relationship experience you have, the more you'll realize that she needs to keep you around. You are buyer, not the seller. 10s in particular are looking for Rembrandts at Flea Markets. She only has so much money (youth dependent beauty and energy) and she's been buying fakes for a long time.

For a lesser girl, you're getting pretty face/good body, good sex and companionship, maybe a meal. These are the things most men want. (these and loyalty)

She's getting, sex, companionship, meals paid for, mechanic, computer wizard, security guard, a whole new social circle, front row seat to your hobbies and lifestyle, arm candy to make her girlfriends jealous, possibly marriage and children that she will end up loving far more than she ever loves you.

Even with a dime piece, when you do the math, she's a burden. This is even if she gives you things you don't want. (live with a girl, and her cleaning habits - over the top/or needs work - is something she "gives you")

But let's say you go the seller route (nothing wrong with that as long as you know your role), you make the changes, you are away for the pitfalls - remember that this is not a reciprocal relationship.

If you "let her in", very often the chick doesn't like your feelings/your thought process. She'll use things that she learns about you, against you. All of this emotion, may make her see you as a friend, not as lover/protector.

We used to talk about beta-ization a lot in this community.

The things that attracted her in the first place, are the things she wants you to change.

  • You have a great body? Go to the gym less and hang out with her.
  • You make a lot of money? Work less and hang out with her.
  • You are confident, assertive, and decisive? You need to calm down and mellow out.

And when you do, she is not only less attracted because you aren't doing those things that attracted her, but she unconsciously(?) doesn't respect you for changing for her.

I'm not telling you these things to repeat selling points from some 29.97 ebook on pick up, I tell you these things out of experience. Given up a few hobbies and lost out on hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to appease and mollify the girls that I was with.

To conclude
  • Emotional intelligence and Female Communication styles are what you need to reach the goal you think you want.
  • Don't learn these things to keep chicks in your life. Learn them for yourself.
  • If you do learn them, remember your value and keep track of her behavior towards you.
In terms of resources - Emotional Intelligence is a book. Female communication styles - focus on reading what women read, and what women say to each other when other men are not around.

Now if you want to next level your game, weaponize EI and Female Communication, create another post so that the collective can assist you on your journey.

WIA
 

Carousel

Tribal Elder
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The typical "PUA-analysis" in such situations is to assume that you did something wrong in the interaction itself and you could have saved the situation. This is often rubbish just as you can't always lay a given set, sometimes there is simply no chance of this happening.

The problem may just as well be lack of screening or a fetish for damaged women. Both are extremely common among PUAs, especially the not-so-senior ones.

Read this:

Also note that clingy women ironically tend to end up in relationships with men who are dismissive or preoccupied with their own pursuits simply because they are clingy. Of course this does not work out well as Cluster C's will constantly whine no matter how much attention they get.

Some people also have a fetish for crazy or whiny women - seen lots of this in the community. A lot of people actually seek out stuff they claim to dislike, but they are still attracted towards. And this tends to happen again and again.

Bottom line: Check out your screening criteria before you analyze your actions. Especially if this has happened multiple times.
 
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