Toxic Self Criticism Taking Its Toll: Need Advice

[Protean]

Hey Fellas,

I'm seeking advice on an issue that's plagued me for as far as I can remember. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Ever since I was a kid I've struggled with being hyper critical of myself. If I under perform on something on a task or feel I choked a good opportunity away, my mind races. It starts with critics on what I could have done better, but far too frequently it devolves into straight put-downs of myself.

"You always choke"
"You suck"
"Everyone's better than you"
"Why do you even try"

Shortly after joining this forum I've been pushing myself to stop reading and start applying the teachings on this site. Last week I really went out and made earnest efforts to finally sharpen my seduction skills. I've made progress, but this issue keeps popping up.

Today it was the worst. I was already annoyed with myself at my production throughout the day. I wasn't as efficient as I normally am. Towards the end of the day I packed my things to make approaches. Naturally, I hesitated on some approaches due to lack of momentum. Normally I shake it off and keep going, but my earlier annoyance from my inefficiency kept my mind dwelling on this.

I figured I needed to just sit down and clear my head so I ducked into one of the libraries at my school to calm down and take my mind off things.

Of course, I see a girl sitting across the room that I HAVE to approach.

Like exactly my type guys (at least facially)

So after calming myself down for 4 or 5 minutes. I walk over, walk past where she's sitting, compliment her on her shirt, ask her where she got it (wtf???), ...then embarrassed eject from the conversation.

Walking away I'm irate. And the self criticism just rolls in:

"Why do you even bother?"
"Do you ever go after what you want?"
"She'd never want a weak guy like you anyways"

That was around half an hour ago and I'm still so pissed at myself. Almost on the verge of tears. I've struggled with depression in the past, but while I'm confident I won't let this incident send me back there, I'm afraid I'm one big embarrassment, one slip up, one big choke away from completely flipping out.

Maybe I have some underlying mental issues I need to fix or maybe I just need to mediate more? All I know is that I have to do something to fix this issue. I'm poisoning myself with my thoughts.

If anyone here as a book, a method, or advice that I can use to put this behind me then I implore you, please point those resources my way.

Thanks,

Protean

 

[Kvothe]

Hey Protean,

Your experience is normal. I feel the same way any time I screw up (which is a lot). I think one of the ways you can work through this is to build small wins into your day, so that you get positive feedback that makes you feel better throughout the day.

For me, one way I do this is, whenever I enter a funk where everything feels shitty and all I’m doing is sitting mindlessly, surfing the internet, is to try to get small things done. Shut off your mind (as best as possible) and do the first small errand you can. For example you have dishes in the dishwasher that are clean, take the dishes out. Have dirty dishes in the sink, put them in the dishwasher. Once you get those, have your goal be, “get dressed”. Then go outside. Take a walk wherever (but hopefully where there are some cute girls). Once you see one, say hi, no expectations. Rinse and repeat until your AA goes away.

Remind yourself that you’re new to this, and it’s the hardest skill most people will ever want to learn. It won’t come in a day. Take a breath, then another, and keep moving forward. Once your mood clears, think over the experience to get learning moments to take forward. When you hear that voice telling you to give up, remind yourself that you’re learning, and that you will fail, and that it will be hard, and eventually you’ll accept and even come to enjoy the process of growing.

It’s shitty when your mind tries to stop you, but it’s because it’s trying to keep you safe from the cavemen that might hit you with a club. Keep pushing through it man.

 

[Mr.Rob]

You have to learn the art of beating yourself up.

You are right to give yourself a hard time for not taking action.

Wrong for giving yourself a hard time for a botched approach at your skill level. Set the bar for success low right now.

Any approach you do no matter the outcome it's amazing and more balls than 99% of good out there.

Don't allow yourself to make excuses for not approaching. But give yourself permission to suck once you do approach a girl.

I still do approaches today that are awkward and I just stumble my way to a grave. That's ok I took action and tried my best. That was epic. Needy one will go better.

Sounds like you did a great job approaching. No need to put so much pressure on your self to perform having little experience. That will come with time. Just try to do 1% better next time.

Eventually if you make effort to change your thought patterns like this you'll naturally start thinking in this more healthy way I described.

Remember the goal when meeting girls is to be loose and social. Your not on this serious mission impossible thing too save the world from calamity.

It's just talking to girls

 

[ljrozz69]

Hey Protean,

First, let me tell you that you are not alone in this .
I also want to congratulate you about your approaches you did, you already got some success ! If you had some, there is no reason to not have more and continue in this nice streak!

I suggest trying everything in this post (body-therapu and PU) it made me feel much better and think it could help you.
To reframe negative/toxic thoughts I recommend this book : How I overcame social anxiety (and how you can too!) by Tobias J. Atkins. Up to three quaters of the book is about changing your way of thinking; one of the most importants takeaways is that you have to stop judging yourself -the reason is explained in the book!-.

Hope this helps,

Best
Klimax

 

[No More Mr Nice Guy]

You have a lot of negative self talk, which can be very toxic, and can actually lead to depression (been there, done that).

Personally, I got great benefits out of CBT – cognitive behavioural therapy, using books recommended by a friend who saw I was depressed.

“Feeling Good“ and “the Feeling Good Workbook“ by David Burns are classics in the field. Those books will teach you - step-by-step – how to talk back to your negative thoughts. But you have to do the exercises… It’s not sufficient to just read the books.

CBT is a proven technique that has worked for thousands of people. It will probably work for you too… If you do the work.

 

[Protean]

Really appreciate the support on this gentleman. Lots of solid tips and actionable advice.

Remind yourself that you’re new to this, and it’s the hardest skill most people will ever want to learn. It won’t come in a day. Take a breath, then another, and keep moving forward. Once your mood clears, think over the experience to get learning moments to take forward. When you hear that voice telling you to give up, remind yourself that you’re learning, and that you will fail, and that it will be hard, and eventually you’ll accept and even come to enjoy the process of growing.

Thanks for your post @Kvothe especially this bit. You're right I am very new at this and the harsh self criticism won't make me progress any faster. If I get mad at myself again, I'll just remind myself that failure and frustration are apart of the journey that everyone goes through. Thanks again man.

You have to learn the art of beating yourself up.

You are right to give yourself a hard time for not taking action.

Wrong for giving yourself a hard time for a botched approach at your skill level. Set the bar for success low right now.

Yup this is what I've come to realize since yesterday. I will botch more approaches in the future, but even in those botches approaches I'm learning. I shouldn't seek to be Casanova at this point. Rather, I need to humble myself, and trust that if I continue to push myself, I'll reach my goals in this field.

Remember the goal when meeting girls is to be loose and social. Your not on this serious mission impossible thing too save the world from calamity.

Yeah I was taking one fuck up a bit too seriously wasn't I lol

I suggest trying everything in this post (body-therapu and PU) it made me feel much better and think it could help you.

Thanks for sending this link my way @Klimax . Lots of useful info there to implement.

“Feeling Good“ and “the Feeling Good Workbook“ by David Burns are classics in the field. Those books will teach you - step-by-step – how to talk back to your negative thoughts. But you have to do the exercises… It’s not sufficient to just read the books.

Thanks for the recommendation. Just bought and skimmed through some of the cognitive distortions and recognized a lot of the thought patterns. This will be an impactful read. Once again thanks.

All in all guys thank you. Really appreciate the advice all of you gave. The conclusion I've come to is that I still have some work to do to fix my "inner game". Stomping out depression was just the start. CBT and the info from @Carousel 's will help be finally get my mindsets in check. I'll continue to approach, but not make every success or failure such a big deal. Like @Mr.Rob said, It's just talking to girls.

 

[BigPapa]

If I were you I would read the confessions of Marcus Aurelius . It seems that you need some spiritual guidance first of all and also have quite a big ego and as an introvert instead of being arrogant to people , you punch yourself in the balls .

Always remember , memento Mori

 

[Mike Silvertree]

An old joke...

Two guys are being chased by a huge grizzly bear.

The first guy says to the other, "I'm glad I have my running shoes on."

The other guy replies, "What good will they do you, you still can't outrun the bear."

The first guys answers, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."

~ ~ ~

The truth is, most guys would never go up to that girl and say anything. You are already ahead of most by even attempting it. You might screw up, but you will get better, and eventually it will work. They guy who never tries is guaranteed to never succeed. Give yourself credit for giving it a go.

The way to stop all the negative dialog is to stop all the negative dialog. You obviously know it is a problem or you wouldn't be writing about it. You have to learn to recognize it, and make yourself stop when you do. Being self critical is a habit of the talented, it helps them be better at whatever they try to do. Stupid people who are no good at anything usually have way higher estimates of their ability than talented people who typically only see the flaws in themselves and what they do.

Your mind is just another part of your body, and it is under the control of your will. You can make it stop the self criticism exactly the same way you can make your hand pick up a fork and put food in your mouth. You just have to start trying. You have been practicing with the fork since you were a little tot, so it is easy now, but it was messy and and lots more food went in your lap than your mouth when you started.

Try the meditation I mentioned in a previous post. And allow me to add one more thing. While you meditate, also concentrate on breating slowly all the way in to full lungs and then all the way out to empty lungs. Do not worry if you keep starting inner dialog and have to stop it, you will get better at controlling it. Failure is not doing it poorly, failure is not trying. Each time you try, you will learn and improve.

 

[DarkKnight]

You're looking at this the same way as people do who see us approach and then get rejected. But as other posters have mentioned, they do not understand dating dynamics and that results are assymetric (read Chase's article on that one, it's a long read but will make you feel much better and understand realistic results.) In your case I would try to learn the meta game of dating. Right now you are just seeing what is right in front of you instead of a clear overview from a birds eye. Understanding the game in a larger scale will help.

I "botch" plenty of approaches too I suppose, but for some reason it doesn't feel as botching up anymore. More like an invitation that you extend to a girl for a courtship if she is inclined to do so. Also the other guys are right, most guys cannot cold approach even if their life depended on it. This gives you a clear advantage and the power of initiative. You'll learn to appreciate this more when time goes by.

You should keep persisting and understand that this is just training and training always pays off.

Also frustration is a good thing. Effort usually becomes more powerful when there is emotion/drive behind it.

 

[Chrance]

Check out the book “The Mind Illuminated” if you get into meditation, which I highly recommend you do. It covers the whole breadth of meditation so you have a road map for your meditation progression. Nothing replaces approaching and banging bitches of course, but meditation has been a big key in controlling my focus and emotions before, during and after the sarge. Everyone is different, and experience teaches you what your hidden underlying weaknesses are. Meditation improves your introspection, as welll as identifying and knocking away bad thoughts and feelings before they consume you. It is pretty difficult though so don’t treat meditation like drinking a cup of coffee and experiencing an immediate boost. That won’t happen. It’s like strength training but for your mind.

IME self talk and self affirmations haven’t been very helpful to me; only through hypnotherapy have I found them to make changes and only very subtly. So just like meditation, with self talk, affirmations and hypnotherapy, a lot of time and repetition is needed. After all, if it were so easy to get your head into the right space, it would be just as easy to get it out! Inner game work has its place but is just as difficult to improve upon as your outer game.