Went through my girlfriend’s phone and now I’m sorta traumatised

[Huge Jack Man]

Another question, did you actually have other options when you got together with her? Because she obviously did.

I did but I just stopped trying to do anything with them because I was trying to be serious with this girl and be honest

 

[Skills]

This why is recommended 6 months screening period...

Unfortunately, you made main a girl that should not be main...

You have these options;
-be out
-demote back to fb
-or stay like you are paranoid, stress and unhappy

You pick your option which is now harder with onitis due to cutting corners

 

[DarkKnight]

stay like you are paranoid, stress and unhappy

He will choose this until it explodes. I know this because I have seen this before on the boards. They want to hear "solutions" and how to negotiate instead use some damn pride for being betrayed.

To op you do not " feel betrayed". You ARE betrayed. Get out.

 

[Will_V]

Very wise words. I guess 1) is the best thing to do then. Yeah she can say that we didn’t have labels but we agreed to be exclusive to each other and I do feel betrayed. My issue is that if she decides to prove herself to me, what should I expect and accept? I don’t feel like her just blocking them will make me trust her again because she could start talking with someone new. What should I accept from her as an indication that she is willing to build the trust again?

Why do you ask me what you should be willing to accept? There is no failsafe way to prevent someone from betraying you. That is why betrayals of trust in general are difficult to move past.

You say that her blocking them wouldn't make you trust her again, but what would? Only you know the answer to that. That is why I posed the question in the first place. It is a question you must answer truthfully for yourself, and you cannot lie to yourself without consequences.

I know you want to know the answer to the question 'how do I ensure it doesn't happen again' but there is no answer. Relationship management is only a thin layer on top of the question of making the right choice in the first place. Anyone who tells you they know how to guarantee an outcome of behavior from someone, regardless of their character, is making things up. A person's true character, what they think and do away from the perception and scrutiny of others, for the sake of their own identity, is really the only thing that is either reliable or is not. And that is why screening is incredibly important, and why the vast majority of candidates for positions of trust should by definition fail to make the cut. Is this girl a better candidate than the vast majority?

I can tell you that I don't have experience managing a girlfriend's return from a mistake like this, so if there are any techniques for guaranteeing success I am not aware of them.

 

[Will_V]

I didnt read the story but a girl you are with sending NUDES to other guys is already cheating! I am saying this to OP. I would end this relationship.
No ifs or butts.

The way I see it, it's not my job to make choices for other people, but simply to show perspectives and find the right questions for them to answer.

It's a pretty unfortunate situation that @Huge Jack Man finds himself in but he has to decide what to do going forward, since he will suffer the consequences of any wrong choices. That's why I suggested he let things settle for a few days, let the emotions wear off, and ask himself the critical questions that only he can answer, and then I am sure he will make the right decision.

 

[DarkKnight]

The way I see it, it's not my job to make choices for other people, but simply to show perspectives and find the right questions for them to answer.

I quoted you but as stated it was directed to OP. Not asking you to do anything.

Also his emotions wont cool down in a few days. It rarely does. Especially not when they mention they are traumatized it means that confusion and emotions are amplified and will be so for some time.

He needs to force eject but he is way too entangled so yeah messy situation which could be saved by ejecting and replacing. There are too many red flags here and the girl is way too cocky towards this guy.

 

[Huge Jack Man]

The way I see it, it's not my job to make choices for other people, but simply to show perspectives and find the right questions for them to answer.

It's a pretty unfortunate situation that @Huge Jack Man finds himself in but he has to decide what to do going forward, since he will suffer the consequences of any wrong choices. That's why I suggested he let things settle for a few days, let the emotions wear off, and ask himself the critical questions that only he can answer, and then I am sure he will make the right decision.

I do agree that I have to kinda get in a better mind frame because my emotions are all over the place atm. Thanks. This helped a lot because I felt lost

 

[TomInHo]

When I saw she was sending nudes to guys I stopped reading

There’s really no need to overthink this or worry about why she did what she did

You were supposed to be exclusive and any woman with common sense would know that is suspect behavior. Believe me, women aren’t stupid

Tbh honest even if you were more of a challenge and didn’t FaceTime her everyday it doesn’t change who she is

She is a liar and a woman of low integrity and if I were you I would demote her the FB and keep looking for a woman that is more trustworthy

 

[POB]

Simple question: why get serious with someone you don't trust?
If you say "my cock made me do it, brain chemicals got the best of me" I will accept it...otherwise there's really no reason.

Other thing is if she is flirting with other dudes and sending them nudes, time to pimp her out.
If you catch her doing shit like that, just casually say: "You should go fuck him"
Let her flip or be defensive, but keep your frame:
"Yeah, you should go fuck him right now...here, gimme your phone, I'll set this date for you guys".
Treat her like a cheap whore, because she is whoring
(which is very different than a sexually open girl...the break of trust and lying is the offense here, not the outside sex per se).

Off course in my book it's an auto demotion to FWB, at minimum.

 

[Marcellus]

Didnt realise when reading this but OP had already posted about his girlfriend earlier last month. Here's what the post said since I can't screenshot

" Imma make it very simple. This girl I started dating really recently I realised is quite depress and at first we used to stay up at night and just talk about different fun stuff but now everytime we FaceTime or meet, it’s all about depressing stuff and idk what to do anymore. It’s really draining. And i wish I could help her out and stuff and I’m not tryna be unsupportive as a boyfriend but it has just gotten to the point where it’s just so draining that anytime I wanna have some nice quality time with her, all she has to talk about are her problems and idk what to do anymore. Whether to just keep listening or there’s a way I can lighten the whole convo. A lot of times she doesn’t even listen to my suggestions (and I have heard it’s just the depression) but I just wanna know if I’m supposed to be listening to her complain all day and be quiet or have something to say "

This whole post + the fact that she's also depressed.... it's pretty clear that this girl is not the one

 

[Atlas IV]

Didnt realise when reading this but OP had already posted about his girlfriend earlier last month. Here's what the post said since I can't screenshot

" Imma make it very simple. This girl I started dating really recently I realised is quite depress and at first we used to stay up at night and just talk about different fun stuff but now everytime we FaceTime or meet, it’s all about depressing stuff and idk what to do anymore. It’s really draining. And i wish I could help her out and stuff and I’m not tryna be unsupportive as a boyfriend but it has just gotten to the point where it’s just so draining that anytime I wanna have some nice quality time with her, all she has to talk about are her problems and idk what to do anymore. Whether to just keep listening or there’s a way I can lighten the whole convo. A lot of times she doesn’t even listen to my suggestions (and I have heard it’s just the depression) but I just wanna know if I’m supposed to be listening to her complain all day and be quiet or have something to say "

This whole post + the fact that she's also depressed.... it's pretty clear that this girl is not the one

Oh, I remember this, I believe I even commented. Didn't realize it was the same guy.

https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/depressed-girlfriend.28684/#post-173766

@Huge Jack Man you really should have mentioned this in your post. Major red flags right here with this girl. You wasted a lot of forum members time by keeping out these details.

 

[Huge Jack Man]

@Huge Jack Man you really should have mentioned this in your post. Major red flags right here with this girl. You wasted a lot of forum members time by keeping out these details.

Didn’t think that part was related to this issue

 

[gameboy]

Well, it's the same girl, and that's a lot of red flags.

 

[DoWhatWorks]

@Huge Jack Man you've received okay to good advice on "what" to do... I'll focus on the "How" and "Why".

What - Demote her to FB ASAP (this girl ain't it - respectfully)

How - Hi babe, I've been doing some thinking and have felt a strain in our relationship (which I'm sure you have too). I think it's best if we go back to not being exclusive giving both of us full freedom to appreciate each other pressure free so we can go back to when we were at our best.

We can then see how things go and take things 1 day at a time.

Womanese translation: your behavior isn't good enough but if you get on track you have a chance of being my GF. Think of it as you being a HR department putting her on a performance plan. Don't be surprised if she tries to contest this or run jealously lines. Stay firm & see other girls ASAP

Why: Girls aren't stupid and know what's good/bad behavior. What you allow is what will continue. You can enjoy this girl while sleeping with others unless she gives you (a very big) reason to think otherwise... At worst you find a girl you're more compatible with at best she falls in line

Good Luck x

 

[DarkKnight]

Why: Girls aren't stupid and know what's good/bad behavior. What you allow is what will continue. You can enjoy this girl while sleeping with others unless she gives you (a very big) reason to think otherwise... At worse you find a girl you're more compatible with at best she falls in line

This is true, but he snooped in her phone and has not (yet?) confronted her. So she probably doesnt know what he is pinpointing at, although her behavior is generally atrocious down the line as far I understand.

Also I think he is way too invested to be able to do this. Emotionally invested people cannot act rational. He is better off losing her at this point

 

[DoWhatWorks]

This is true, but he snooped in her phone and has not (yet?) confronted her

In my view confronting her will achieve nothing. She knows what she's doing so she needs to feel a sense of loss/pressure to get in line.

It might have worked if she was showing him something on her phone & a guy started texting her but snooping is dead on arrival.

So she probably doesnt know what he is pinpointing at, although her behavior is generally atrocious down the line as far I understand.

She doesn't need to know the "pinpoint" if her behavior is overall bad. It's like a teenager having a dirty/messy room and their parent saying "clean your room" the message is loud and clear even if the parent doesn't mention the specific dirty clothes on the floor or dusty skirtboards.

Also I think he is way too invested to be able to do this. Emotionally invested people cannot act rational

My latest conclusion is that people don't lack rationality they lack discipline

I've walked away from no-good girls I really liked and it's a big part of why I have a stress-free dating life

 

[TomInHo]

@Huge Jack Man you've received okay to good advice on "what" to do... I'll focus on the "how" and "Why".

What - Demote her to FB ASAP (this girl ain't it - respectfully)

How - Hi babe, I've been doing some thinking and have felt a strain in our relationship (which I'm sure you have too). I think it's best if we go back to not being exclusive giving each of us full freedom to appreciate each other pressure free so we can go back to when we were at our best.

We can then see how things go and take things 1 day at a time.

Womanese translation: your behavior isn't good enough but if you get on track you have a chance of being my GF. Think of it as you being a HR department putting her on a performance plan. Don't be surprised if she tries to contest this or run jealously lines. Stay firm & see other girls ASAP

Why: Girls aren't stupid and know what's good/bad behavior. What you allow is what will continue. You can enjoy this girl while sleeping with others unless she gives you (a very big) reason to think otherwise... At worse you find a girl you're more compatible with at best she falls in line

Good Luck x

Good advice but I personally feel he shouldn't care about her falling in line. He has all the information he needs to put her in the right position

She can act nice if she wants but he still should get another girl he can emotionally invest in that's not as deceptive

 

[DarkKnight]

I've walked away from no-good girls I really liked and it's a big part of why I have a stress-free dating life

Yeah but you also have more abundance than this guy. Hard to force discipline when you believe you wont find a better girl. Emotional decision making overrides rational ones. If this guy was same as you we wouldnt have this post

In my view confronting her will achieve nothing. She knows what she's doing so she needs to feel a sense of loss/pressure to get in line.

It might have worked if she was showing him something on her phone & a guy started texting her but snooping is dead on arrival.

Agreed on this. The bad precedence is set though, he needs to opt out. Get more experience. This broad is bad business and this guy is not detached enough to handle it the way you propose

 

[DoWhatWorks]

Good advice but I personally feel he shouldn't care about her falling in line. He has all the information he needs to put her in the right position

I agree but don't think he'd listen anyway

She can act nice if she wants but he still should get another girl he can emotionally invest in that's not as deceptive

My hope is he follows that advice and reaches this conclusion himself. I've personally been through it and I never looked back.

Yeah but you also have more abundance than this guy. Hard to force discipline when you believe you wont find a better girl

I may have more abundance but I've been in his position and made different choices so that's where I'll just respectfully disagree.

Emotional decision making overrides rational ones.

Only because people let it... It's a choice (but I appreciate I'm a lot less emotional in general than most guys)

Agreed on this. The bad precedence is set though, he needs to opt out. Get more experience.

I agree with this too, hence the demotion

This broad is bad business and this guy is not detached enough to handle it the way you propose

Very valid point - might be optimistic but I think it would be amazing for his game and future relationships if he pulls it off x

 

[JT Sunshine]

This has been said numerous times but it’s on you to make sure she knows you have options, and are willing to walk at any time.

Most have said you need to demote her to FB or leave, which would probably be the best move (if you’re having doubts this early on, it will manifest itself in your actions and is usually a downward spiral).

HOWEVER, if you choose to stay in it, here is my advice, which worked wonders for me in my last two relationships…

Make a point of “innocently” mentioning girls who you talked to during that day. Could be a coworker, a barista, anyone. Use their name if possible:

“Marissa at the office complimented me on my shirt today, said the color matches my eyes. I don’t really think so tho.. do you?”

“This is so funny. I was at the grocery store today and this ditzy blonde girl was staring me down with the do-me eyes, and she ran her shopping cart into the display. I was trying so hard not to laugh”

You get the idea… and these work much better if they really happened to you. I’m not advising you to lie. Basically any time a girl shows you interest, make a point of telling your girlfriend about it, but in a “you won’t believe the funny thing that happened to me today” type of way, and make it a good story. And when she is like “that girl is totally into you” (works best with a coworker or someone in social circle) be like “no way, she has a boyfriend, she just talks to me all the time but there’s no way she’s interested in me, we’re just friends”.

This works even better if you can get girls to give you IOIs out in public.

“Why was that girl smiling at me, then immediately gave you a nasty look?” or “That girl over there has made eye contact with me like 7 times now, do I have something on my shirt?”

Stir up a little jealousy, let her know you have options. I didn’t do this daily, maybe once every three days or so. If you’re in a “Netflix and chill” type of relationship, this is especially important. She needs to know other women find you attractive. She will find you more attractive for it, and hopefully won’t stray…

Also, been there. I looked through a non-official-but-basically-exclusive FWBs phone one time, and saw she was talking to another guy (he seemed lame and was shit-ily leading the interaction, but still… hurt). Decided I needed to manage it better and when my untrusting ass looked again months later… nothing. It’s fixable. But is it really worth it? You might want to just focus on bettering your pickup skills so you can get those higher-caliber girls someday - or you risk ending up single and out of practice in the future… like me.

Best of luck brother,
JT