What if you're not that busy and don't want to be?

[samanil]

Seems a common piece of advice is to be "be busy", which portrays you as high value, makes you care less if a girl flakes etc.

However, what if you are introverted/sensitive (me) and it doesn't feel good for you to be busy and socializing all the time? I have limited energy for socializing and have actually had dates go south because I did too much earlier and didn't have the energy for it.

Don't get me wrong, when someone (especially a girl) asks me what I have planned for the weekend and I don't have shit planned, I can feel that it doesn't feel high value to say "not much". So I'm wondering, is there a good approach to this for sensitive/chill/introverted guys who feel better when they aren't very busy?

 

[Smirk]

It's more about the frame and how you say it. You don't have to "be busy" all the time, you just need to sound like having no plans is the best thing ever for the weekend.

G: What are you doing this weekend?
You: You know, I have nothing planned at the moment, and that is the best part of it all. Do you know the feeling, when you wake up, make an excellent cup of coffee, and you are not in a rush to go anywhere? I just love those moments, one of the highlights of my week

Or something similar to that. Being introverted and chill is ok, you just have to own it and not be embarassed about it.

 

[Chase]

@samanil,

Check out my series on the Tao of Steve. Duncan North ("Steve") is the prototypical "lots of free time, very unbusy, deep thinking, still sexy" type.

Cody Lyans's articles are also worth a read. He's an introverted guy who runs "quiet guy" game and is very good with girls. Definitely not the "always busy" type either.

Don't get me wrong, when someone (especially a girl) asks me what I have planned for the weekend and I don't have shit planned, I can feel that it doesn't feel high value to say "not much". So I'm wondering, is there a good approach to this for sensitive/chill/introverted guys who feel better when they aren't very busy?

As @Smirk notes, your answer should be something that sounds high value; there's more to that than just being busy. Actually, "being busy" can be quite low value if it isn't framed right.

Case in point:

HER: What are you guys up to this weekend?​

​

BUSY GUY WITH POOR FRAMING: *sigh* the boss has me stacking shelves ALL weekend long. I'm can't ever get a break!​

​

UNBUSY GUY WITH GOOD FRAMING: I'll be finishing up my von Clausewitz. It's amazing how relevant he is even given the time between when he wrote and today. The guy truly was a strategic mastermind. How about you?​

Chase

 

[Dragonetti]

IMO It's about having a busy mindset -- that is, having so many good possibilities in life that you don't care about missing out on one (a girl).

 

[samanil]

It's more about the frame and how you say it. You don't have to "be busy" all the time, you just need to sound like having no plans is the best thing ever for the weekend.

G: What are you doing this weekend?
You: You know, I have nothing planned at the moment, and that is the best part of it all. Do you know the feeling, when you wake up, make an excellent cup of coffee, and you are not in a rush to go anywhere? I just love those moments, one of the highlights of my week

Or something similar to that. Being introverted and chill is ok, you just have to own it and not be embarassed about it.

I love that, really solid advice.

@samanil,

Check out my series on the Tao of Steve. Duncan North ("Steve") is the prototypical "lots of free time, very unbusy, deep thinking, still sexy" type.

Cody Lyans's articles are also worth a read. He's an introverted guy who runs "quiet guy" game and is very good with girls. Definitely not the "always busy" type either.



As @Smirk notes, your answer should be something that sounds high value; there's more to that than just being busy. Actually, "being busy" can be quite low value if it isn't framed right.

Case in point:

HER: What are you guys up to this weekend?​

​

BUSY GUY WITH POOR FRAMING: *sigh* the boss has me stacking shelves ALL weekend long. I'm can't ever get a break!​

​

UNBUSY GUY WITH GOOD FRAMING: I'll be finishing up my von Clausewitz. It's amazing how relevant he is even given the time between when he wrote and today. The guy truly was a strategic mastermind. How about you?​

Chase

Chase, I've read like 350 of your articles and plan on reading most of them (really top notch, seriously)--I'll read Tao of Steve next, and I'll check out Cody's articles too. And I like that distinction: it's about being high value, not necessarily busy.

I guess there's a bias in our culture (or at least it seems to me) towards doing things, usually flashy things, like going on trips and going to events etc. If you are more low key, it kind of seems generally lower value. But that's more of a broader cultural issue. At the same time, I could see how being more low key could correspond with the law of least effort. Ie - I keep things chill and I'm satisfied with that, and girls are attracted to me; I don't need to do a lot of flashy stuff (high energy output) to feel satisfied or impress girls. Edit: I should add I'm not hating on people who ARE flashy and busy, I'm just trying to find a positive spin for the chiller lifestyle.

Anyways, thanks for the advice!

 

[DarkKnight]

I guess there's a bias in our culture (or at least it seems to me) towards doing things, usually flashy things, like going on trips and going to events etc. If you are more low key, it kind of seems generally lower value. But that's more of a broader cultural issue. At the same time, I could see how being more low key could correspond with the law of least effort. Ie - I keep things chill and I'm satisfied with that, and girls are attracted to me; I don't need to do a lot of flashy stuff (high energy output) to feel satisfied or impress girls. Edit: I should add I'm not hating on people who ARE flashy and busy, I'm just trying to find a positive spin for the chiller lifestyle.

You know what I have noticed.. while tailoring with my fundamentals all the time, sometimes things can come across try hard. Doing too much and I can sense this from women as well. So these days I still do very good fundamentals but deliberately a bit unpolished. And I think the same is with all these activities. It is important not to overdo it. Just my opinion