07/07/22
Goals for this outing
1. Make eye contact with women and resist the discomfort of feeling like I am staring at random people.
2. Relax and don't put too much pressure to perform when approaching.
3. Look for signs of disinterest from women.
Outing
This report is for yesterday, when I went out to a popular mall / shopping area. I was concerned that I wasn't doing many approaches this week and wanted to take action. I also wanted to improve my comfort with looking at people who weren't looking at me; I felt self conscious about staring at people but have realized that this habit has also led me to miss approach invitations because I am not paying attention.
In today's report I will also include some non-approaches which were noteworthy to me.
Girl #1
While walking down a shopping street towards the mall, I was concerned that I wasn't warmed up, and wanted to start socializing quickly. I saw someone sitting on a chair ahead with a cool patterned shirt, bandana, and sunglasses. They could've been a feminine looking guy, but talking to anyone was fine for socializing, so I decided to warm up by giving them a compliment. To my surprise, it was actually a girl; she just looked a little masculine because she had her hair in a bun and wore a bandana.
I chatted with her a bit about her style, and asked where she got her clothing. This led to her telling me she got it from Hawaii, where she was originally from, and we chatted about that for a bit. She showed some interest by asking me where I was from. I took that as an opportunity to introduce myself and use a handclasp, and I noticed she held my hand a little longer than just a polite greeting. I closed shortly after by saying I had to go but suggested we hang out and we exchanged numbers.
She was waiting for a friend who walked up to us just as I was sending a message to myself from her phone. I smiled to her friend and explained the context to try and leave a positive impression, then left.
Girl #2
I saw a girl waiting at a stoplight crossing the street to the mall. I walked beside her, stood for a second, then waved to catch her attention. "Excuse me, I just loved your hair. It's got a great texture," I said. This may have been a lackluster opener...I probably could have injected more excitement into it, and I could've used a more colorful compliment.
She had a lukewarm response, thanking me but also stepping back and looking away. She seemed uncomfortable so I disengaged, but I stood in the same place and just looked away since I was still waiting for the light. I waited about 6 seconds and then reengaged, "Just out shopping today?"
Her response was still lukewarm, but seemed slightly more relaxed. I nodded and looked away again, waiting about 12 seconds before engaging again. "By the way, do you know where [newly opened food place] is? I'm trying to find it."
We talked a little, and she seemed more comfortable now. I employed light teasing and a couple touches on the elbow, and I also asked about what she was up to that day. She shared some information, but I was waiting to see if she would decide to ask questions or show signs of interest. She didn't so we eventually fell into a bit of an awkward silence and I let it hang.
Eventually we got to a crossroads and I said my farewells. I think this was a case of a girl being polite but not interested...that said, maybe if I showed more excitement initially, that emotion might have transferred to her.
Girl #3
While walking through the mall, I saw a cute girl wearing colorful patterned pants walking in my direction. She didn't seem to be looking at me, but once she was within speaking distance, I tried a frontal opener. "Wow...I love your pants. They're so colorful," I said.
This was one of the first time I had used the frontal opener so spontaneously. She thanked me but didn't stop and kept walking. I also hadn't stopped, so maybe I could've improved the nonverbals of this approaching by stopping and holding me hand up while she approached.
Girl #4
I saw a cute girl standing walking in my direction. I thought we might've made eye contact. She was approaching a hallway of the mall that was separated by a plant barrier down the middle. The left side was slightly closer to her, but I was on the right side, and I saw her take the right side. I guessed this might have been an approach invitation, so I stopped once she was close and said, "Wow, I love your outfit."
She thanked me but kept walking. I had been a little nervous when I opened and maybe didn't express much excitement or positivity. Although I stopped, I hadn't held my hand up to ask her to stop too.
Girl #5 (Non-approach)
In a hallway I see a girl standing still and looking at her phone. She looks up in my direction and I think we might've made eye contact, but she also might've been looking behind me. As I get closer, she decides to start walking in my direction. She starts looking at her phone instead of forward, but is literally walking straight towards me; we almost collide. At that moment she looks up and we make eye contact. I try to gauge her expression, which seems blank, but it is also covered by a mask. After 0-1 seconds she breaks eye contact (in a way similar to people who were not interested in me) and keeps walking, moving around me.
This one confused me, and I didn't open her. This girl literally walked straight towards me, but she also showed signs of disinterest. Could it just be a coincidence, and she was actually looking at something or someone right behind me?
Girl #6 (Non-approach)
I am walking towards a cute girl. We might have made eye contact...but after last time, I felt she also could've just been looking forward in my direction. She potentially breaks eye contact with me and looks off in a different direction, and I thought nothing of it. But, after reflection, she might've actually broken eye contact downwards rather than to the side. It was subtle because there wasn't a lot of movement...her eyes shifted position to look at chest level rather than head level. I should pay more attention to subtle eye contact breaks and try testing if they are signs of interest.
Girl #7
While walking, I see a cute girl walking, but not in my direction. I continue walking a short distance at a leisurely pace when all of a sudden this girl appears right beside me. There's a small space between me and the wall on my right side, and a slightly larger distance between me and the railing on my left side. She chooses to squeeze through the right side and walks right past me. Her pace is a little faster than mine but it would've been easy to catch up.
I consider whether or not this was an invitation for about 15-20 seconds, in which time she ends up a small distance away from me. I decide to approach by jogging up to her side and saying, "Excuse me..."
I notice her look a little confused, and she steps back like she is wary of me. I didn't see it before, but she is wearing a mask. I continue in a more subdued way "I just like your backpack. Where did you get it?"
She starts walking away while saying she got it online somewhere. I take it as a sign of disinterest, but I also felt confused because I thought she was giving approach invitations to catch my attention. Could she have just walked past me by coincidence?
Girl #8
I stood just outside an outdoor entrance to the mall, looking at my phone, when I noticed a woman walk by and stop about a meter away from me. There was nothing interesting about where she was standing, and it was also in the sun rather than in the shade were I was. She just stood there looking at something else in the distance, but I guessed it might've been an approach invitation.
I took a few steps towards her and complimented her hair tie, but she looked at me with a blank expression. I noticed she's a bit older than women I am usually attracted to, but I continue explaining the things I liked about her flowery hair tie. She eventually interrupts and says that she doesn't speak English. I say no worries and simplify my explanation, and use my body language to convey the compliment, then I bid her farewell.
If it was an approach invitation, I would've expected this woman to give me positive reaction when I started speaking to her, even if she didn't understand my words. Was she just standing there by coincidence? Or is this a common occurrence with approach invitations?
Girl #9
I saw a girl sitting down in a food court. There didn't seem to be a great angle to approach from, so I debated whether or not to approach, but decided I would try. It was difficult to do a double take because she was sitting at a table with an empty table to her side. There was only a small gap between her and the other table, so I had to go around the empty table. This created distance and a barrier between us when I pretended to notice, said hello, and then gave my opener. She had a blank, neutral reaction and it felt like there were a spectators around so I disengaged right after I gave my compliment. This may have been a situation where I had to sit down and go indirect instead.
Girl #10
After ordering a drink from a coffee shop, I walked outside to wait for my order. I noticed a cute girl sitting down at a table with her back to me, looking at her phone. I waled past her at first and stood in place, checking out the street. After a minute I turned around and walked back, pretending to just notice her; I did notice that she was also cute from the front.
I walked up to her, and said, "Excuse me...I just saw you over here and I really liked your outfit...I'm Zucchini." I was more subdued and didn't put too much enthusiasm into it, because there were plenty of people around and I didn't want them to stare at us. This may have been a mistake; I could have used relaxed body language while still putting more excitement into my voice and facial expression.
In any case, my opener felt a little awkward but I pushed forward. I started asking what she was up to, and I learned that she was shopping for a birthday gift for her friend's birthday party in the evening. I teased her about getting it ready last minute, and then touched her on the shoulder while assuring her that it was ok. She had a subtle reaction to the touch, which I guessed was discomfort, so I pulled back on the touch.
I started talking a little more about myself, telling her a short story about what I was shopping for and why. She gave me some suggestions on where I might find the items, and I teased that she was so stylish and knowledgeable about men's fashion. She denied it in a friendly way, but I persisted, saying that she was clearly stylish as evidenced by her outfit. I pointed out a few color choices I liked.
I felt a little lost here, so I continued asking some basic questions, like whether she lived nearby. I probably could've phrased some of these differently because they might've seemed invasive and this girl didn't seem very comfortable. For example, "Are you from around here?" instead of "Do you live nearby?" because my intentions come across less stalkery with the former. Latter might be good if we have a good vibe though.
Eventually she said she needed to respond to an email. I said no problem and took that as her excuse to disengage. Her body language hadn't changed much through the interaction, so I suspected she might've just been uninterested. I continued standing there, but facing my body away and taking a couple steps back, in case she really just needed to respond but wanted to keep talking. That didn't happen and she walked away to grab her order without saying a word.
Girl #11
While walking, I saw a girl sitting down at a table on her laptop. From a distance she didn't seem like an attractive woman, so I didn't think about approaching. But when I started walking near her, I noticed she was cuter than I thought. I approached her and said, "Excuse me...I just saw you while I was walking by...and I thought you were cute, so I wanted to come give you a compliment."
She thanked me and I introduced myself. I asked a couple basic questions about what she was up to. I noticed she made a little eye contact with me at first, but mostly broke eye contact to point her head at her screen instead. She had a baseball cap covering her eyes while she was sitting so I couldn't see where she was looking.
I asked if she was in a meeting, and she said no; the impression I got was that she wasn't working on anything time sensitive. So I felt like her lack of eye contact was a sign of disinterest and disengaged soon after. Perhaps I could've persisted a little longer in case she was shy.
Reflection
I have had some positive results with holding eye contact and paying attention to signals. This naturally forces me to be present and attuned to my surroundings as well. I will continue experimenting with this, although some signals are subtler than I expected.
I have noticed that girls I thought were giving me approach invitations do not always respond in a obviously interested way when I approach. Is this because my judgement is bad? Or because my approach is off? I suspect that there are some subtle differences between an approach invitation and a purely coincidental behavior which I should also look out for.
I have succeeded in being relaxed but I felt like I wasn't injecting much excitement and warmth into my approaches. I should improve my vibe by remembering my mental goals, such as thinking sexually about women and thinking "I want to make her smile".