Am I Being Petty & Silly?

[Mr Mistah]

TL/DR

Known this girl for 1year +

Flirting, alot of sexual humour, deep diving, texting, touch etc

Never did anything bc of my poor logistics.

She'd send those "I'm in your area" texts but I'd deflect.

I also mentionedthat I'm not the relationship type and I get tired of women calling to rant/vent all the time.

I just don't have the patience.

This kind of shocked her about me. She's a romantic type who wants an LTR, me not so much.

Anyways so she recently got a bf, sth she's been pining for for a long time.

Bf is the type that buys her stuff and lunch and whatnot

And now I feel completely disinterested in having any correspondence with her.

I just can't see what me and a woman in a rship have to talk about.

But she still initiates conversations and wants to keep texting/talking

I ghosted and now I'm wondering if this is silly of me

We share a social circle and will be in each others space often.

I also understand the implications of missed escalation windows and that chicks wont wait forever so I'm honestly ready to let it all go.

To the more experienced dudes, if a girl youve been in contact with get into LTRs, do you still hang around?

 

[Will_V]

Nope not petty or silly. If you don't want her and she's got a bf, it's his job to field her communications.

I don't mind having a short conversation with an ex every few months but I wouldn't be interested in keeping in touch with a girl I wasn't interested in and had no history with.

 

[Mr Mistah]

Thank you.

Is there an appropriate way of communicating why you're suddenly distant/ don't answer texts without rocking the boat?

Because I know that question will eventually come up since we share social circles

 

[Will_V]

Well it wasn't the best idea to keep texting and flirting with her all this time unless you wanted her, so it's going to be a bit awkward since you come across somewhat invested. It's also weird for her because the logic makes no sense: you wanted to talk to her but not fuck her while she was single, yet now she's got a bf you don't want to talk.

I'd probably just fade out, take longer and longer to reply with shorter and less invested responses.

You could say something like 'hey I know we've been in touch and flirting all this time but now you've got a bf I'd be more comfortable if we didn't do this'. That would probably get a bit of testing in response but if you stay chill, polite and uninvested eventually she'll realize she's wasting her time.

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

I would loosely stay friends with her because of this:

We share a social circle and will be in each others space often.

Having female friends is generally very useful. They make for social proof, for pawns or pivots, and they can introduce you to more girls.

Unless you are hurting because you want her and can't have her anymore, in that case I would cut contact.

 

[Mr Mistah]

Yes. In all honesty I just want to lay but not cuff.

Not sure if that is possible with someone that fresh into a relationship. Do you think that thats sth that can be achieved?

I also figured that since I'm already in too deep it would be easier to just cut my losess and start over with other prospects

Otherwise if I continue here I'd just be chasing and my frame would be weak

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

Not sure if that is possible with someone that fresh into a relationship. Do you think that thats sth that can be achieved?

unlikely, unless she's just with the new guy out of convenience (e.g. parents keep asking why don't you have a BF)

I also figured that since I'm already in too deep it would be easier to just cut my losess and start over with other prospects

sounds like she was trying to hook up with you for a year and you let one opportunity after another go by because of logistics... hard to recover from, especially once she has moved on and got a BF

Otherwise if I continue here I'd just be chasing and my frame would be weak

yeah definitely don't chase. either see her as a friend only, or let it go.

 

[Will_V]

Yes. In all honesty I just want to lay but not cuff.

Not sure if that is possible with someone that fresh into a relationship. Do you think that thats sth that can be achieved?

You already spent a year deciding you can't because of logistics. What changed?

Also, you were worried about rocking the boat with your social circle by cutting contact with her, but you aren't worried about the drama that might happen if you fuck her while she's in a relationship?

Gotta be more decisive man. If I were you I'd put her out of my mind while I focused on fixing logistics and getting my sex life in order, and if later on I still wanted her maybe consider the options then. But as it is you're a broke man at the casino trying to find a way to stick around.

 

[Mr Mistah]

What changed is that I thought I had her in a holding pattern while I worked on fixing my logistics.

Turns out I didn't

Her man isnt in our social circle so I dont care about him.

I was concerned about ghosting someone who I have to see everyday in the name of moving on.

But I agree with your closing sentiments... my primary focus rn is on handling my situation. I took a loss, it sucks but I know what has to be done

 

[Mr Mistah]

Damn.

I think I need some help.

This whole thing has been getting to me no matter how much I try to intellectualize my feelings or distract myself with work.

I've been thinking about this girl a lot more than I ever have and my chest feels like its on fire at the thought that she's now with another man.

I find myself overthinking and obsessing over dumb things like what is she doing rn? is she texting him now? are they fucking? ... which is all very embarassing for me because deep down I have a feeling that I am deep in the throes of oneitis.

These are very teenage/juvenile emotions that I thought I was above but here I am pining over a girl like a little idiot. Very disappointing

I keep trying to intellectualise my feelings saying to myself she's not even all that, you're just oneitis, this is just sunk cost fallacy tripping you up, you had a chance you wasted it now move the fuck on to no avail.

I have tried talking to more girls but those interactions just prove to me how much me and this girl understood each other/had chemistry
All these extra conversations I tried to use to distract myself feel forced and frankly talking to these girls feels like a chore
They've probably noticed

I tried drowning myself with work/working out which kind of helped.
In that short period I added an income stream which should help me sort out my logistics
But even that win is overshadowed by these damn thoughts about this girl

It seems I cant bullshit/intellectualize myself into not caring about her so what am I to do?
Doesn't help that I have to see her everyday since we are in the same space
Can't do that out of sight out of mind thing.

I also want to know how practical abundance mindset is because what gives you the confidence to say that you can just go out on a weekend and find someone who you have great chemistry with?
For me finding such a person has mostly been happenstance.

Also how do you make yourself immune to these silly emotions because its seems being aware of them is not enough

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

Hey man I'm right there with you, part of the day I can't get the ex off my mind yet. Similar feelings as your describe come up for me. This is illusion and it will pass.

I'm on phone so I'll write more later, but for now, my question: why are you in the same space as her? How can that be changed? That should be your first focus.

 

[TomInHo]

Go and FUCK (not talk to) a few attractive women.

Get one or more of them in an ongoing sexual relationship then report back about how you feel about this girl a few months later

Because you need sex and your body is looking for outlets to unleash your sexual desires.

And since all of your focus was on this girl in the past, you need to meet someone new that you can day dream about but would actually love you back

 

[topcat]

Good points from @Karea Ricardus D. and @TomInHo

I’ll add, as i saw you mention chemistry..

Chemistry is now the thing i screen for most in girls, even for a a purely sexual encounter. If a girl doesn’t meet my threshold for chemistry I’ll go home and spend my time doing something else..

Given that chemistry is also important to you, i suggest you start screening for it also. If a girl doesn’t meet your threshold, move on until one does, and then collect more. Be happy to be chickless unless a girl meets your standards and learn to find pleasure in other things to pass the time.

I’ve actually found that since i started screening for it, my close rate has risen sharply and i feel i can bring chemistry into my life anytime i want to and am willing to wait if the quality isn’t there.

Come at it from the position of a selector rather than a “hoper” or “wanter”. Create an ambitious threshold for the quality of chemistry you want in your life and measure all girls including this chick you pine over against it…

 

[Mr Mistah]

I've mellowed out since writing my previous text.

Sharing here and reading you guys advice has given me some kind of carthasis/clarity on my situation

Thank you

I'm on phone so I'll write more later, but for now, my question: why are you in the same space as her? How can that be changed? That should be your first focus.

We work in the same building which shares a common meal area where most people go for lunch

So we usually run into each other there most days

But I'm chill now I think I can find a way to create that distance even if its just emotional and not physical.

Go and FUCK (not talk to) a few attractive women.

Get one or more of them in an ongoing sexual relationship then report back about how you feel about this girl a few months later

Because you need sex and your body is looking for outlets to unleash your sexual desires.

And since all of your focus was on this girl in the past, you need to meet someone new that you can day dream about but would actually love you back

Got it. I will work towards implementing this and see results even though my frame isnt the best right now

My emotions keep oscillating back and forth like a yoyo which is very annoying

I am not at my most centred/grounded atm

I actually got on a phone call with a female friend last night and she asked me if I'm okay and that I sound like I'm down with the flu even though I'm perfectly fine lol

The point about body looking for an outlet for sexual desires is interesting.

Is that the evolutionary biology explanation behind oneities?

This reminded me about something that 60 YOC wrote called 'The Horny Next' in relation to nexting a girl who you have oneities for.
Do you think it still has merit and is it contextually relevant?

He also said that the cure to oneities is viewing women as Sex Objects vs Affection Objects

Next Her
When guys have a crush on a girl they know doesn’t like them back they threaten to end the friendship by saying “I can’t hang out with you anymore. I like you too much”.
Instead just next her with no explanation.
If she asks you for the reason tell her it’s because you want to fuck her so badly you can’t be around her.
You have a constant boner and if it lasts any longer you might have to go see your doctor.
Tell her she must have cast some weird sexual spell on you. All you think about is ripping her clothes off. Tell her you jerked off to her last night. Tell her you are having these recurring dreams where you tie her up and order her to do all types of nasty stuff to you.
And while all this is fun, mention how it is effecting your studying.

Never Pout
If you break things off with her in any other way.
For example you just stop taking her calls; she will think you are avoiding her because she hurt your feelings.
In other words she will think you are being a baby. If she had any attraction towards you sat all, it’s now gone.
Breaking it off with her in this way will only hurt her ego. Not raise her interest level.
Instead use this frame (aka The Horny Next, the only way out of the friend zone)
I’m sorry. You are a nice girl. But I just can’t be around you because I am too fucking horny for you. I’m like a predator. You are not safe around me.

Returning Fox
As time passes with no communication from you she will eventually become curious and ask you to hang out again.
If she does, she knows what she’s getting herself into. You might even want to warn her about what will happen if she does show up. I’m warning you not to come over Only agree to meet someplace where you two are alone.
If she doesn’t agree do not accept her offer. Immediately move really close to her. Grab her hand. Pull out your cock. Walk around naked. Start whacking it. Put her hand on it. Blame it all on her. It’s her fault. You told her you were a horny freak. You warned her that she has this crazy effect on you.
At this point you will either: 1. Never hear from her again (good) 2. You two will finally hookup

Be happy to be chickless unless a girl meets your standards and learn to find pleasure in other things to pass the time.

Thank you. I find this helpful since focusing on myself has really helped keep my mind occupied

All these weird emotions make for excellent fuel whenever i'm able to channel them into accomplishing tasks

I think I've always understood GFTOW to mean go fuck 10 randoms regardless of whether you have chemistry or not
But here I am struggling to even text back these girls that I started talking to to distract myself because we have no chemistry at all
Conversations feel like math class