Attachment styles... are they really a thing?

[Karea Ricardus D.]

I'm pretty confident attachment styles are legitimate. The science on it is good

Ah, "trust the science!" I'm struggling a bit with that concept since about March 15th, 2020.

The way I have experienced attachment styles intersecting with being in the one-down position in a relationship is that the attachment style basically serves to modulate the effect:

• Avoidants get very uncomfortable as the one-down and slip into this schizophrenic state of alternately chasing then withdrawing (because they hate that feeling of being chasey / needy)
  
  
• Secure individuals will chase some but tend to have healthier means to try to move it closer to a more balanced relationship dynamic
  
  
• Disorganized types respond to being the one down by throwing a bunch of fits and tantrums, then if you start to withdraw they either give ultimatums or have a breakdown

Anxious I don't have much experience with so can't speak to that one.

Interesting... I'll put that in my databanks for future observation and analysis.

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

Hey Karea, so this book which has become very mainstream called "attached", has chapters about secure avoidant anxious and I believe at the end of the chapter there are assesments of people, outside a relationship and it is used to gauge wether a persion is one of those attachement styles. This on itself shows that without passion trap attachement styles are a real thing. Passion trap is more I believe about the dynamic between two people and attachement styles we can view individually

I see. I'll check that out before commenting further, thanks for the resource!

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

yeah sure - I don’t think I’ve ever framed things that way, meaning i invite girls along to most activities I do, all the time. I’m a sociable motherfucker. But it will help me next time around to pay extra attention to really emphasize framing things as ‘ you can come along ‘ instead of ‘ how about we do this ‘ kind of way.

Powerful answer from your part tho, thanks man !

I don't know man, a girl giving a response like "he's trying to rope me down" after 6 months for me just spells one-up, not avoidant.

Why? Because for sure with another guy she'll go for it. Has her attachment style changed? No, but the guy has changed, and the relationship dynamic.

But yeah I'm keeping an open mind... I'll check out that book.