Cultivating the X Factor

[Beam]

Somehow seems like you're in a silo thinking mode right now. Feeling strong pressure to succeed and perhaps missing the cues that you're speeding past with gritted teeth.

I've never heard of the term silo thinking before. Seems you're using it to mean being focused on one thing, the goal, and as a result not paying as much attention to what's actually going on around you, not taking more time to read others. Which makes sense.

I googled silo thinking and found a different definition (working in isolation and not communicating with other members of the team at a workplace). Which ironically is also how I've been feeling - isolated and not using the resources available to me effectively. I've kind of always been this way going it alone which I'm starting to really see the limits of.

At least for me I know this feeling rather well at times. Both good that it makes you feel so driven and taking action, and even better if you remember to do something as simple as pause, take a deep breath, hold it for a few moments, and as you release you also feel the tension and pressure somehow release from your mind and body. Still there but detached, distant. Which gives you the room to think with a clearer mind.

You seem to have great self-awareness so this is probably something more natural to you.

Perhaps take a moment to think about what you're doing well, what you still can improve specifically, and what steps you can take to get there?

I've been practicing the concept of letting go which is similar to what you describe. Actually it did help. The next night after I wanted to crash my car I sat in the car before going out meditating for 10 minutes, letting the negative thoughts come up fully and then releasing them. I felt a lot better and went on to have a great night opening everyone and not caring if I got rejected or not. I wasn't really thinking with a clearer mind though, more unclogging the negativity. I'm sure with more practice being able to think clearly would be a by-product.

It's true that it's a lot easier to see what I'm doing well when I let go of the negative thoughts. For instance, being more physical than I used to be, getting better at making my intentions clear (dirty talking, being unafraid to be sexual or make statements such as "I want to kiss you" with complete conviction). Leading. Gold and Stache both told me "you gotta be more decisive when you do things. Don't say "Hey, what do you say we go do X" and instead be more commanding, "Let's go." "Let's do this". "We're dancing". Which I've slowly been implmenting. Still not fully natural without a couple drinks.

Just wanted to comment with my thoughts.

I appreciate it!

 

[Beam]

Who are Gold and Stache? Are they naturals? PUAs?

You can simply ask them what they do or say
Or observe them and pay attention

Compare with yours, test and see what works

Gold is my housemate. I've never met anyone better than him with women in person. Stache is his mate (now mine too) who is also extremely good. I made a post about them here and have referenced them in my journal the last couple months:

• Nov 1, 2022
• Jan 30, 2023

Oh trust me I have. And I have definitely seen improvements in my open and hook rate since paying attention to how they approach. Problem is once they get in set, then I can't obvserve as well what they saying or doing. And they don't really give much usable advice for this stage.

"You just have to not give a shit"
"You just have to have a good time"
"Beam you're hilarious, you make me laugh. If you talked to the girls like you talked to me they'd be all over you"

I should also point out that both (Gold and especially Stache) drink fucktons every time they go out. And when I drank that much the other night I was also effortlessly in that state, dancing and making out with girls to the point where Stache was like "How are you doing it?'. So they do have an unfair advantage in that respect (because I don't want to drink that much, for health and also money reasons - I also can't afford to spend 150 dollars everytime I go out like they seem to).

They have given me great nuggets though which I've been implementing, like in the previous post talking about leading decisively (telling her what's happening). Mindsets (they have great mindsets). "You're never going to see these women again. Who cares. Women are infinite. They're everywhere".

 

[Beam]

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. It's tough to feel like you've slid a long way down from where you were at. But it's part of life. It's not going to be the last time you face this kind of challenge, so you may as well figure this one out.

Not to assume too much but it seems like a part of you never got over the breakup and is seizing your emotions, making you feel vulnerable and out of control when you want to be able to lead.

Hmm, maybe I'm not fully over it. We'd known each other for 8 and a half months and it hasn't even been that time since the breakup. I have missed the intimacy a lot lately especially when I've been in the darkest moments. I do feel if I was just getting regular sex this would be a non issue (maybe)

For me, the only way to deal with this kind of trapped emotion is to accept it and try to understand it in a constructive way. Only then does it free up the emotional energy that it uses to keep itself locked in place. Meditation and self-reflection is very very useful here.

One thing that I did do that did work for a short time was Letting Go (feeling into the emotion fully, not rejecting it. And then once you have fully felt it, letting it go). I did find this help a lot and need to make it more of a habit rather than shutting it out which I've been doing lately.

I have also been meditating a lot more lately but I've been struggling to focus as my thoughts always swirl around women.

Remember life is a hero's journey. That means there are times when you're pushing through the dark alone. But you're not really alone, because you have all the parts of yourself that you denied, if only you would go and forgive them and meet them with some kind of humility, they would come together to make you whole, and keep you company everywhere you go, so that you would be completely at peace with no one else around but yourself.

I will havve to read and reflect on this a few times as I don't fully grasp it yet.

 

[Beam]

Beam i know you are frustrated due to negative momentum, being in negative momentum is horrible, it seems like you have no clue, what is that i am doing wrong, and you can go into a spiral... Having friends good with women next to you succeeding and in positive momentum make things that much harder..... One thing to do during negative momentum, is to take step back and you looking were the sticking point or points maybe, and what are you doing good, for example you are excellent are opening, you are ok reaching the hook point, your texting follow upis getting you dates, they are not flaking on the dates (this is huge getting dates)....

It's true, I have been doing a lot of things well and have been noting them down (have gone into more detail in my above replies). Such as being more physical than I used to be (such as just taking the girls hands to dance instead of asking), getting better at making my intentions clear (dirty talking, being unafraid to be sexual or make statements such as "I want to kiss you" with complete conviction). Leading. Gold and Stache both told me "you gotta be more decisive when you do things. Don't say "Hey, what do you say we go do X" and instead be more commanding, "Let's go." "Let's do this". "We're dancing". Which I've slowly been implmenting. Still not fully natural without a couple drinks.

On dates, I really haven't been getting too many. Only a couple in the whole month of Feb, definitely a lot of room for improvement.

Also a bit of luck plays a factor i been on set were there are 3 gilrs and i got stuck with the harderst one no down one (at times this happens)....

Yeah, I wish I had more luck sometimes... I would have hoped to have had more after being at it so long but that's life I guess.

Finally there is something called "commission breath" that is when a sales dude is on a sales lump that is gone through months and he knows he is going to go broke and about to get fired, that makes his interaction more desperate and clients can feel this.... Same happens in seduction

I have thought about this - definitely something is probably off and the women are picking up on it - the failure is probably subcommunicating "this guy isn't getting any" I can actually feel the difference in how I was a few months ago vs now. Even though I know what it feels like to be that confident attractive person, trying to be it now just feels forced and awkward., like I'm a fraud Almost feels like I'm powerless to change it.

and water is wet make sure your fundamentals are on point (this is important to)....

Have been hitting the gym a lot harder lately and getting leaner, incorporating sprints. A problem I'm facing is that the leaner I get the older I seem to look which I don't think is helping very much.... I'm trying to figure out how to get around this. I think it's simply a matter of getting more lean mass.

Sort of like the difference between Christian Bale in the Machinist vs Batman. Obviously I'm not that extreme but it's an example of how you can be super lean and look old and gaunt vs being lean and having size so as a result you look athletic. Don't think my lean size is quite there yet.

Fashion is due for more of an upgrade too. A lot better than it was a couple of months ago but still some items that date me (chelsea boots etc) like Vel said.

I am going to tell you that from what i am seeing that has to be twick back from previous years, is a bit more physicality at clubs, notice how your wings are getting more physical, this is an important point that i am hammering in the forum, physicality that was a bit gone from previous years is back (i know you a girl told you, that you touch her hand blah blah but don't go by that backward rationalization or off timing, or bad micro escalation)..... I am also going to work on a dating post more clean at updated eventually.

Yeah that girl was an exception but also, the touch was miscalibrated anyway. I agree, I'm seeing that as well and the girls have been responding very well to more physicality. I've had to really push myself to do this though, I had to overcome negative beliefs around touching women in clubs (not without reason, I had a lot of negative reactions when I got physical with women in clubs years ago which traumatized me). Excited to see where this goes.

 

[Will_V]

Hmm, maybe I'm not fully over it. We'd known each other for 8 and a half months and it hasn't even been that time since the breakup. I have missed the intimacy a lot lately especially when I've been in the darkest moments. I do feel if I was just getting regular sex this would be a non issue (maybe)

Relationships have a way of bringing out the things we've struggled to set right in our life. At least that's the way it was with me. A good woman can put you on your toes without even bringing things up directly, just by making you look at the reflection in her eyes.

It's a little easier to work on setting things straight when she's there to support you, but at the end of the day, and certainly with the most difficult things in life, you have to find the answer between yourself and whatever your source of meaning is (and that is not women). Because if you don't, she will eventually become the source of that problem you have to deal with alone, and then you won't know where to look for an answer.

One thing that I did do that did work for a short time was Letting Go (feeling into the emotion fully, not rejecting it. And then once you have fully felt it, letting it go). I did find this help a lot and need to make it more of a habit rather than shutting it out which I've been doing lately.

What helped me the most after my breakup (which probably took me a year or more to fully get over) was simply reflecting on things and accepting every little mistake I made and every unsolved issue I brought to the relationship in a very humble, sort of meditating way, and understanding why things happened the way they did. I don't really know of any other good form of long term therapy for anything in life.

A lot of times when we dive into seduction and filling our lives with women there's a lot of stuff under the surface that goes unresolved, sometimes dating back from very early in life. And while having women around is perhaps the beginning of resolving it (or certainly a help) it's necessary through self reflection to develop a concept of ourselves and discover what needs to be independently resolved, or otherwise women become a sort of pseudo object for the problem, and as long as we have them we're fine, but if not everything goes to hell.

I will havve to read and reflect on this a few times as I don't fully grasp it yet.

The way I see it, the greatest thing a man can achieve is to be free and whole without anything else but his own mind. And to look at everything else as a gift. But if he cannot do that (and every man struggles more or less with this) then the question is - what part of his mind which is needed for his tranquility has escaped him?