I've changed my username and have decided to start a new journal for a few reasons.
My last journal (here
) had no specific goal in mind. I just mentioned that I “wanted to track my progress” but I didn’t really know what I was progressing towards besides “getting better with women”. In that journal which I started in June last year I slept with 5 new women (three from online, one from nightgame and one from social circle) all on the first date, and had countless more experiences with women for better or for worse. Not bad especially considering I was out for months due to COVID, but I don’t think I left these women better than when I found them. None of them turned into regulars. I also hardly cold approached up until the end of the journal, despite talking about it a lot my approach numbers sucked. It’s only in the last few weeks that I upped the volume considerably – in the last couple of weeks I approached over 150. A lot of whiny bitchy moments in that journal.
But I think it has helped me hone in on what I actually want (at least from women). And the sort of man I want to be. When I started that journal I think my hope was still that I would hit it off with a girl using the material and then would be able to call it a day. I think I've had enough experiences (detailed in the journal) dealing with girls who might have made good girlfriends consistently leaving after one, two dates or the first time having sex to realize that I need to go deeper or they will never stick around longer. That my positive, upbeat attitude which is initially attracting them is not being counterbalanced by my sexual nature. I’m failing to connect with these women in a real way.
That is the focus of this journal. Rebuilding my very core.. Becoming a grounded, masculine individual, a charming asshole with a heart of gold, a man women fantasize about rather than just another clueless AFC beating his head against the wall. Becoming a positive force of energy for everyone I meet, man, woman, old, young. Having a magnetic, warm presence that people can just sense and are irresistibly drawn to and, more importantly, want to stay around and follow. Having a rock solid frame. Being attractive to young women well into my 50s and beyond. Dripping sexuality with every word I say and action I take. Having beautiful women in my life at any one time. And being able to fuck them so well that they keep coming back for more. And having this just be the sort of person I am, from waking up in the morning to going to bed at night, without relying on alcohol (fake confidence). In “The Alabaster Girl” Zan mentioned two types of men on their deathbed – the first man is alone, he may have family and they cry when he dies, but the whole thing is solemn, and he will soon be forgotten by all but his family. The second man is surrounded by family, friends and women from all walks of life. He touched them all in some way, and they’re all here crying and laughing together, celebrating the amazing life he had. He has a smile on his face as he remembers all the memories he made, and how he feels he didn’t miss out on anything. That’s the man I want to be.
This is why I chose this username. It has a lot of different meanings, and all of them represent some part of who I want to be. Beam means a smile – I’ve struggled with depressive episodes, and I would like to become a happy person. A beam shines bright and show the way forward. Beams of light can be warm, and penetrate into peoples bodies. Beams can be solid, supporting structures. They can support a strong frame.
This is what I want. To break myself down, ego and all, and build up a rock-solid, unshakeable frame. I want to be a warm and empathetic person. I want women (and men) to bend to my frame willingly and with awe. I want to control every interaction, understand what is happening with her emotions at any point, and know what to say/do to bring her to the emotional state I want her in. I don’t ever want to feel out of control or blindsided by a “I see you as a friend” or “we should take a break” ever again. And while I’ll get a lot more of them no doubt as I shed the nice guy bullshit that has been drilled into me a lot further than I’d realized, I want to recognize and stamp it out in its tracks.
This is pretty much what Chase has been saying all along. But I didn’t quite “get it” and thought I could still take shortcuts, that women would forgive me for my mistakes and everything would be Gucci. I now realize due to some bad experiences that that is not going to happen, the margin of error is razor thin, and it is only through doing this shit again and again that I'll get what I want.
Before I wasn’t approaching this as a skill to level up with. Now I realize that I’ll spin my wheels if I don’t.
Sucking with women is the single biggest thing that has sapped my confidence for years, and it has spilled into every other area of my life. So I would like to make it a priority and set aside most other endeavors for a while. That means keeping the 9-5 for now as a bit of stability (and focusing on making my own business further down the track – I originally wanted to start one before 30 but it can wait). Setting aside music and comedy for a few months, with the hope to return to them so I can eventually perform. Fitness is a tough one – I’m in good shape, not elite shape. But it will go on maintenance mode for at least a few months.
Specific action plan to come.