Diary of a Hopeful Nihilist

[HopefulNihilist]

Been thinking of starting a journal for a while now, if only to push my self to actually approach. Freshman year was dry as fuck, mostly because I barely approached, and ruined all the opportunities life threw into my lap. It's time to change that.

College starts up again late September - I wanna have my fundamentals down by then. After that I'll have loads of time on the best possible training ground: college campus. I wanna be slaying girls by the end of sophmore year.

My strengths:
- I'm pretty good looking. Nothing out of this world, but I've got a good face and some decent muscle on me. Working on cutting right now so I can start lean bulking in fall.
- Good at socializing, tho I'm trying to get more comfortable being more laid back in social settings.
- Good at flirting and physically escalating once I get past my initial anxiety. Or atleast I think I am...

A few problems:
- Moderate AA. I can strike up conversations with strangers pretty easy, but cute girls are a little harder.
- Can't show intent. Well, can't yet. Got some real anxiety surrounding that. Of course the only way thru it is thru it...
- General anxiety around failure and social judgment. Been trying to flip that into a fear of not getting success. Moving from inaction to action.
- Work has me doing crazy hours. Like 9-9 hours, all on weekdays. And I'm a guy who needs his sleep, so can't do nighttime during the week. I work in outdoor sales tho, so maybe could use that to my advantage...

This is where I'm at. Right now I just gotta work on approaching and showing intent - can't get girls if you don't talk to them.

Goal: Show intent with 3 cute girls a day.

 

[HopefulNihilist]

Sooooo... things are a lil worse than I thought.

Went out specifically to daygame for the first time. Was in my hometown for the day so I just went downtown - its pretty touristy so has plenty people around. Walked around for a good hour and a half, and was comfortably checking girls out and staying confident with my eye contact.

But, man, my approach anxiety's worse than I thought. I opened only one girl with a basic situational opener, and didn't show any intent. I didn't even complement her or nothing...

Still tho, I get the feeling that I can do this given enough effort. There were a few other girls that if I was less anxious I could have easily approached. I know I could.

To be honest, my main hangup is not only being rejected, but "not talking to them for a good reason". I need to understand, approaching a cute girl is as natural as sex itself. As good a reason as asking for directions. That rejection literally doesn't matter. And if I don't try, there are loads of cute girls out there who'd love to know me but never will.

Mindset is everything. Bring it on.

 

[HopefulNihilist]

Wow, that went nowhere fast. I knew I struggled with commitment but damn...

The longer I stay at college, the more I realize how much I wanna be able to get girls. Every time I go to bed I'm thinking about how I don't have anyone beside me. So, we're gonna try again - try something different.

Something I realized recently is that I really struggle to talk to cute girls comfortably. Like at all. I can do it, but I'm nowhere near as social with them than I am with others. I don't even have any female friends for fuck's sake, let alone lovers. How the fuck do I expect to get comfortable flirting if I can't even hold a normal conversation with a girl??? Gotta accept that. fact. Gotta accept it and move forward.

So, new game plan. We're going for smallest possible push here, to not freak myself out.

Goal: Get comfortable speaking to cute girls platonically.

Not making a friend. Not going out of my way to talk to them. Not even pushing myself to speak to them any different than how I speak to anyone else - I'm already pretty sociable guy toward people I'm not attracted to. Just treating them like any other person. My macro-goal is to be generally comfortable flirting with girls by the end of the academic year and weave it into my daily life, so this seems like a good first step.

On top of that, I'm gonna try and engage with the forum more, get some motivation from speaking to people and make some friends. That'll hopefully help fix my commitment issues and keep my mind focused. And get me to where I wanna be.