Girlfriend less affectionate last few days

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
34
Hey so started dating a girl back in December , everything went really well,hit escalation windows etc.
Ended up with her actually asking me to be her boyfriend , then about two weeks ago my country introduced a lockdown because of covid -19. I was with her when it was announced, then before I left she said she loved me.

So because of the lockdown I haven’t seen her in person since then ,but everything was still going well , she was affectionate Over the phone, saying missed me etc. I even said we could meet up but she didn’t want to break the lockdown rules.

then about 4 days ago we had a little argument but we resolved it , then a few days late we had another disagreement on something else, again it seemed as though we resolved it. But it seems that she’s been a little more reserved , I mean she was still texting a fair amount maybe a little slower than usual but not by much,and she was accepting my calls, but all the affectionate things like the I loves yous etc were no longer coming . I asked her if she was ok yesterday And she said yes and asked me why , I said she seemed more reserved than usual she seemed suprised and said that sometimes she likes having her own space and maybe that’s why she’s coming across like that. So I said that’s cool and that I’ll let her chill. An hour and a half later she text back saying “thanks xx”. Usually she’ll message me in the morning but haven’t heard anything from her and I haven’t messaged her since last night...

What should I do? Is it a case of just waiting it out and seeing if she responds ... how long should I wait. Just seems like quite a change to go from asking me to be her boyfriend and then saying she loves me to now seeming like she can take me or leave me. Don’t know what’s going on.
 

ieatapples

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 25, 2018
Messages
30
then about 4 days ago we had a little argument but we resolved it , then a few days late we had another disagreement on something else, again it
This is bad. Very bad for the stage you're in.

I asked her if she was ok yesterday And she said yes and asked me why
Don't do that. If the argument was your fault, make it clear that you understand what you said was wrong. If it was hers, she needs to do the same for you.
If she's gone cold and it was her fault for the argument and she did not apologise and now you're asking if she is "okay", then you've supplicating in her eyes.

saying she loves me
Waaay to early days for that to mean anything.

I would recommend you give it a 2-3 days and see if she texts you. If not, then roll up your sleeves and text "are you alive <insert emoji eyes here>" (exactly as is) and wait for her response. If shes warm and gives a good length reply, then carry on as usual. If it's short and cold, time to make a phone call and address this (do it in the evening when shes less likely to busy).
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
34
She message me, but still seems absent her usual energy , don’t what I can do to bring her around . Maybe I’m just projecting my feelings on to her?
 

ieatapples

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 25, 2018
Messages
30
Sounds like you're feeling a bit down. Cheer up, still got your health.

What was the content of the text like, was it open to continual conversation or was it dead end-ish?
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
34
Picture of what she was cooking saying it was tasty. Idk maybe it’s me in the funk . Not her . Lol
 

Derek da man

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 24, 2020
Messages
54
Due to this virus we are all living different lives - slower - less events day to day - less excitment. Therefore we all have much more time to ponder things - she may be feeling a bit low or simply quite chilled and you're picking up that change; alternatively you could be feeling a bit low and projecting yourself as "needy"; or even a bit of both.

Due to the lack of events going on in each of your lives any emotional changes throughout the day are relatively flat by comparison to normal. Therfore any emotional changes, either high or low, feel much more exagurated than you would normal feel during the day as most of us process emotions by comparision with other emotions in out short term memeory, usually of the same day or the previous day. If you reflect on a busy day you tend to remember the high point or low point of that day.

Consequently you could both have heightened sensitivity and just be reacting in different ways. She's projecting herself as comfortable and confident in her own space, due to the newness of the realtionship and the recent changes day to day you're feeling a little insecure.

I'm not making any judgement towards either of you - times are strange. Just a possible expanation of where you are - I'm sure there could be plenty of others.
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
34
Due to this virus we are all living different lives - slower - less events day to day - less excitment. Therefore we all have much more time to ponder things - she may be feeling a bit low or simply quite chilled and you're picking up that change; alternatively you could be feeling a bit low and projecting yourself as "needy"; or even a bit of both.

Due to the lack of events going on in each of your lives any emotional changes throughout the day are relatively flat by comparison to normal. Therfore any emotional changes, either high or low, feel much more exagurated than you would normal feel during the day as most of us process emotions by comparision with other emotions in out short term memeory, usually of the same day or the previous day. If you reflect on a busy day you tend to remember the high point or low point of that day.

Consequently you could both have heightened sensitivity and just be reacting in different ways. She's projecting herself as comfortable and confident in her own space, due to the newness of the realtionship and the recent changes day to day you're feeling a little insecure.

I'm not making any judgement towards either of you - times are strange. Just a possible expanation of where you are - I'm sure there could be plenty of others.
That sounds quite on the money to be honest . Probably just need to chill myself
 

ieatapples

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 25, 2018
Messages
30
@Slimjim that's a pretty good response from her, even though you might think it isn't. Her sending that shows shes thinking of you. You're golden.
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
34
So update,
She ended up texting me , saying could we talk,I thought it was a break up conversation to be honest.

anyway she called started talking about something random from her day then spoke about us , apparently the two disagreements we’d had set her mind thinking about if we were compatible, and she had been taking space to process it and then I’d been too in her face with my texting when she’d wanted space. She also said calling every day seemed forced etc.. She said that the lockdown had probably set things back and that I shouldn’t expect things to be where they were before .

So yeah lesson learned I hope....Anyway it wasn’t a break up but it did sting .

so would you guys advise only contacting when she contacts me now. shouldn’t be too hard cos I do feel a bit put off her now. It’s a shame cos was nice up to this point , now I just feel a bit embarrassed that me trying to keep the relationship moving and showing that I care just came a cross as me being needy and annoying.

After it gets to a point were your girlfriend basically says you’ve been too needy. how do you move forward,because now I feel every message I send her is just going to be taken. As me being needy,but at the same time a relationship can’t go forward If we never talk. So do I just wait for her to initiate all messages ? Will that make me look butthurt?

how do I make her chase again?

any thoughts appreciated guys
 

Derek da man

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 24, 2020
Messages
54
She's either telling you it exactly as it is, so ease up on her, or, she could be saying it's over. I can't answer that as even she may not have decided yet.


My advice would be to give it a few days and then send her a simple text checking she's ok and coping with the isolation blah blah blah. See what her response is and take it from there. If she responds before this then you're good and just go with it but avoid discussing the relationship things and getting heavy in any way.

She may friend zone you, she may not. You don't have a lot of control over this other than if you push it too hard you will get friend zoned. I would try and let her start missing you and want to see you (or want contact even if it is by phone) and when she does be there for her.

I don't know you're relationship intimacies but if it was me I would try escalating on the phone with her a little to see if she get's flirtatious and playful. If she's up for a little fantasy fun then enjoy, if she's not don't push it.

Also try and find something interesting to talk to her about. You don't want a conversation about not having done anything as that's dull, watch a documentary or a film (or whatever might be interesting to her and you) and tell her some details about it and sound enthusiastic. If you just say you haven't done anything she will see you as dull (even if you aren't). You need her to feel you're interesting and keeping yourself interesting and active even in this lock down and without here. But try not to sound like you're deliberately trying to do better than whatever she is.
 

Lover

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
479
Location
Land of desire
Your overall mindset should be something like: Be the Slimjim she got attracted to and fell in love with. And turn the boyfriend behavior down two notches because of corona. In these times, it is better to remind her what got her drawn in to you in the first place. Keep text and phone calls über lighthearted. Remind her of one time you did something naughty to her in bed ;)

Like Derek said, people are already stressed because of the way things are. Right now (and generally, of course, but I think it's more crucial right now) you want to be the factor in her life which is not stressing her, but providing her with positive emotions. She wants to feel sexy and cherished herself even if it seems impossible. And she wants to feel she's with an attractive guy. The way I see things, it's the best time to show you're a rock: unmovable, unshakable, nothing can destroy you. Your mood and emotions won't really get affected by something like corona.

For the next couple of days, let her digest things. Give her more space. And if she hasn't reached out to you first, fine, you reach out to her with a chill text to get a read on her energy. And if she reaches out to you first, fine too. But the important thing is: while you are aware of the feedback she gave you, the energy in your own texting should continue as if the call never happened. Does that make sense?

Remember: If your behavior had been an absolute deal breaker, she would have broken up with you. See the whole thing as another bump on the road: you survived it and learnt from it. Now you are moving on.
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
34
Thanks for the advice guys , been giving her more space and she warmed up a fair bit, even called me.
Just think the whole thing is a lot more difficult with this whole quarantine thing going on.
With it possibly extending another 3 weeks in my country just wonder how I can keep the spark going
 

Derek da man

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 24, 2020
Messages
54
Find original light hearted ways to make her smile or laugh. You know her and funny things that have happened to you both, send her a text, or bring it up in conversation, with little references to things you've both done enjoyed, Just normal light hearted stuff that you might say face to face but can't at present. As we've already said, keep it chilled and fun. It's crap for all of us at the moment.
 

Velasco

Modern Human
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
663
To add to Derek's answer, send her funny quarantine memes (or memes that have nothing to do with quarantine. Just retarded shit that will make her laugh).

My fb sent me this link:
You can send it to your gf, then ask her what day she got. Then have a short lighthearded convo about it :)
 

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
34
Hey so back again,

So after my last post things were okay , not great but we were messaging but definitely hadn’t returned to pre quarantine situation .

Then we had another disagreement , when I say disagreement we basically just had a difference in opinion over text , but she got annoyed and said goodnight . The Following day , I had no message from her so I just left it until the evening when I messaged her if she was free to chat . She responded that she was .

We spoke and I basically asked what had made her upset. I had thought we were justgiving our opinions. She said that the way i state my opinion gives the impression that Its a fact and I don’t consider others opinions in the way I express myself ( this was what the prior argument was sort of about as well) then it went it the whole locks down making things worse conversation and she said maybe she focuses more o the negative than the positive ( meaning my negatives). I reminded here that we had had good times before the lockdown and that I guess only time would tell what happens after.

We said goodnight didn’t seem like we’d resolved anything but anyway following morning I message some light hearted pictures of my pets , she responds then later the afternoon she messages me about something she was doing we have a little conversation . The a few hours go by I message her a pic of what I cooked for dinner she says it looks nice what’s in it I tell her and then no response.

So I leave it. Don’t message her again. Nothing from her for 24 hours. So I messaged , and here I think I messed up quite a bit tbh.


I sent a message but I deleted it; then she messaged eh? I said dw , how was your day she says it was okay how was mine , I tell her she doesn’t respond much. Then I’m a little weird and I tell her that actually I had another reason for messaging her but it will keep , then she says oh okay bye .

So she seems quite peeved

I persist though and I basically say that I feel the relationship dynamic has become awkward and that I don’t like it and I want to hit the reset button.

She messaged back saying that it’s not as easy as pressing a button but we can talk about it tommorow at an earlier time of the night . I said okay and left it at that.

I didn’t message after that and she hasn’t messaged me , it’s been more Than 24 hours I don’t know what to do next really .

I’m just suprised at the drastic change from being all over me to what it seems like is not caring at all.

Thinking back out first disagreement and when things started going south was when I told her that a girl that I had previously been on a few dates with messaged me , I was going to ignore the message then she told me I should respond cos it would be rude. So I responded . Then thought nothing of it. Then the following day she asked me what the other girls said , and I just said she asked after my family and it was light hearted and that was it. She got annoyed that she had to ask to tell me about the messaging cos if her ex messaged her she’d always tell me ( which she has done to be fair ) so I said that was true and it had just slipped my mind. She said that it was fine and things sort of went back to normal for a little but then the other argument happend and then she started being distant , and here we are today . Do you think it’s all related to message to the ex or do you think I’ve been needy or is the lockdown, or is it a combination of all ?

And more importantly what should I do from here?
 

BigPapa

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 12, 2020
Messages
565
Well , based on what you are saying , she was not happy about you talking with your ex , and when you disagreed again basically all the bad emotions from the ex texting came back to surface . Then you just started being a little bit needy ( with your messages) and started talking about dynamics , pressing the reset button , that things will come back to normal ,etc , and this things are not the best things to say in this situation ( actually kinda never ) :)

I mean , I am not the most sensitive guy , but I do not think you talking with your ex is something that you need to start getting needy over with this girl , because the way I see it it is either that you talked with her more than you are admitting , either you are just kinda week when it comes to women , and girls just know instinctively that weak guys are dangerous .

If I were you I would just give her a call , and be a man about your text with your ex , and saying that you did not know that it was such a big deal for her , but now you understand and from now one you will be more transparent with her , and that you miss her smell ( you can even say some bullshit thing that you did not wash the shirt you had when you last saw her cause it still smells like her , and that you smell it everytime when you miss her ) :)

I am telling you this because I think you really like her , and it would be a shame to fuck up things over stupid things :)
 
Last edited:

Slimjim

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 6, 2019
Messages
34
Thanks for the response . Just got off the phone ,she broke up with me. She said it was because she felt that my debating style is quite domineering, and even though everything else about me is great she thinks she can see herself being unhappy long term . But then she proceeded to sound unsure, and asked me if she was making the right decision ( I said I can’t tell you that only you know should I have said yes you are making the wrong decision ? )

Do you think she’ll change her mind? Ah well. I guess back to the single life I guess take my sorry ass out of the relationship board lol.
 

BigPapa

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 12, 2020
Messages
565
Thanks for the response . Just got off the phone ,she broke up with me. She said it was because she felt that my debating style is quite domineering, and even though everything else about me is great she thinks she can see herself being unhappy long term . But then she proceeded to sound unsure, and asked me if she was making the right decision ( I said I can’t tell you that only you know should I have said yes you are making the wrong decision ? )

Do you think she’ll change her mind? Ah well. I guess back to the single life I guess take my sorry ass out of the relationship board lol.
amigo she basically wanted to see how much you care about her . she wanted you to say that it is stupid what she is doing , and so on.

you made a lot of stupid mistakes amigo :)
 

Randy_91

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
May 11, 2020
Messages
12
How did it go? Did she get back in touch? I am in a similar situation and looks like the lockdown is going to last another month or so and this is the 7th week. I think you over persued and that's why she broke up with you.
 
Top