Break Ups Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

[Teevster]

She was away but with her parents all the time. Saw me as soon as she came here pretty much.

Based on what you wrote not long ago, she did not seem very eager - at all.

-Teevster

 

[HeartOfChaos]

I could be somewhat inclined to agree... the problem is what seems like a lack of probing for long-term until very recently, plus the sudden "I never thought there'd be commitment here" breakup.

Usually with girls who want commitment they start throwing stronger and stronger signals, protesting, etc., until they hit breaking point.

That said, it could just be OP has missed all these signals and she is doing some LSE ego protection thing of "I never thought you were serious about commitment anyway!" when in fact that was what she was angling for all along but he did not see the signals or respond to them.

I knew another guy who was a STEM day gamer who was in the "maybe autistic, but high functioning if so, repeatedly tested and found not to be" who was long-term single and could never quite get girls he wanted despite 50+ day game lays... He was a guy who on paper you would peg as probably a perfect boyfriend/husband candidate, but due to him ignoring women's long-term signals he basically always got slotted into a weird kind of "I think this guy is just for fun, not really a bad boy, but I don't see a future here either" category. Girls would hang around 3-8 months with him, ultimately fish around to see if they could turn it into an LTR at some point, but he'd miss all the signals and they'd get frustrated and leave, usually also talking about him being a player or what have you on the way out.

-C

She pulled a bit of a drama tantrum pretty early on, last November - after meeting one of her Brazilian friends (same girl who she often talks to me about and asked her for "advice" regarding me). One day she started crying and was like "I don't even know if your name is real, I can't even check that you work where you say you work", "my Brazilian friend said you don't seem serious about me", "do your friends even know that you are seeing me or do you tell them nothing at all", blah blah blah.

I was like "relax hun, I'll show you right now my LinkedIn etc", which I did and all the rest of it... "I am always with you... it's just that I have a lot of shit and difficulties to sort out and you know this...what do you expect from me at this time exactly?" - ("a ring" she replied jokinly while crying). So she eventually calmed down, I fucked her... Later that night after I left she messaged something like "sorry about all this... I am an anxious person...I understand you have a lot of stuff to deal with"...

Then there were no more such tantrums till the late May episode I told about earlier and then the break up...

I actually made a mental note to myself back in November that these outbursts will occur again - "they all start making demands sooner or later" I remember telling myself....And then eventually put it out of my mind due to all sorts of other stuff going on in my life...


Edit: it's the same Brazilian friend who she met earlier on the day of break up...She suggested to me a few times in past few months to meet her, something like "you could meet her and we all hang out together...?"

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Based on what you wrote not long ago, she did not seem very eager - at all.

-Teevster

On what you base this on? It really was meeting her pretty much all the time after her parents left and her meeting me while they were here as well...Not once she objected or declined or anything...

He had already shown plenty of commitment. But how much commitment has she shown? From following this thread, I’ve seen no sign she was truly invested in the first place (at any point in time). Quite the opposite—based on the info we have, her commitment level was always relatively low (virgins, especially those who are virgins till a late age, tend to not be too invested in their first man, but rather curious about what the "world" has to offer)Based on what you wrote not long ago, she did not seem very eager - at all.

-Teevster

How do you judge low or high commitment from her side?

There is also the aspect that she's really passive...

 

[Teevster]

On what you base this on? It really was meeting her pretty much all the time after her parents left and her meeting me while they were here as well...Not once she objected or declined or anything...

I already did a break down. Others (including some poster I have disagreed with) also concluded that the relationship was over in may - a conclusion similar to mine.

-Teevster

 

[HeartOfChaos]

He had already shown plenty of commitment. But how much commitment has she shown? From following this thread, I’ve seen no sign she was truly invested in the first place (at any point in time). Quite the opposite—based on the info we have, her commitment level was always relatively low (virgins, especially those who are virgins till a late age, tend to not be too invested in their first man, but rather curious about what the "world" has to offer

What would be high / vs low commitment on her part?

Very recently, she said to me "I always thought I'd stay a virgin till I get married...It's funny, I thought after having sex a person would become a bit more mature as some people say... even now I feel like I am still not used to having sex..."


Then during the break up conversation, when we talking that her visa here is temp and that she needs to find a job... In passing I said to her "what are you going to do if you go back to Turkey after visa expires?" And she was like "probably live with my parents...Find a husband...."

 

[empath]

So to clarify, they go no contact on you first? And then you reach out first or them?

Yeah mostly they decide I am not worth the efforts or whatever like they don’t to put efforts and be a good girl to say this is not working out.

So, they become busy with their life.

Now most girl don’t go around fucking it takes time so as long as you are warm and things are salvageble and you are warm they come back

I used to think girls are like men and they will have sex as soon as they get chance and but boy I was wrong so many girls just hold it atleast once they are through their exploration phase.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

If you DO want it, then you need to get her out and not take no for an answer.

The same thing that works for getting flaky girls out on dates works for girls in rocky relationships trying to flake off from meeting you:

1. You text to meet up.
   
   
2. She texts "I don't know / not sure / need time / blah blah blah"
   
   
3. You IMMEDIATELY call as soon as her text comes in: "Hey. What's going on. What are you thinking? Where are you right now. Come on, let's meet. Come over. Okay tonight then."
   
   
4. Then when she comes over you lay it all down.

Ok, so this is assuming you contact her only when both of us are in town though?

If I contact her say earlier "Hey we need to talk when we are both back", naturally I wouldn't be able to stages 3/4 straight away, and will be hanging in limbo if she says "I am not sure blah blah".

Given me (and her) are sorta in and out of town sometimes and the time when she is guaranteed to be around may not be known, might not be so easy to execute if randomly contacting her.

 

[empath]

Just to add one more thing.

If it’s because she does not see a future with you that’s why she is acting out.

Then letting her know should be enough but she will distrustful why sudden change etc or does he really mean it.

Now, idk how u will deal with it but you need to bring out emotions from her, they are dead for now.

Now maybe I might be wrong but accusing her of cheating might work reverse psych… if she is not she will get furious will respond u need to pile some more emotions and then say I just wanted to let u know … that u feel for me and so do I …

Right now she will be more susceptible to feeling negative emotions

(Tried it once was successful, idk if it’s repeatable and could backfire as well)

Also, after confession just don’t go into love dovey mode

It will be this

Piling of negative emotions anger etc

confession

a text which says I will let u process things

no contact for few days

a normal short convo

a normal short convo

check schedule… try a plan to meet

If success good other wise

normal convo etc

or sometimes no contact again

Basically u need to re-seduce after the confession

 

[Skills]

Just to add one more thing.

If it’s because she does not see a future with you that’s why she is acting out.

Then letting her know should be enough but she will distrustful why sudden change etc or does he really mean it.

Now, idk how u will deal with it but you need to bring out emotions from her, they are dead for now.

Now maybe I might be wrong but accusing her of cheating might work reverse psych… if she is not she will get furious will respond u need to pile some more emotions and then say I just wanted to let u know … that u feel for me and so do I …

Right now she will be more susceptible to feeling negative emotions

(Tried it once was successful, idk if it’s repeatable and could backfire as well)

Also, after confession just don’t go into love dovey mode

It will be this

Piling of negative emotions anger etc

confession

a text which says I will let u process things

no contact for few days

a normal short convo

a normal short convo

check schedule… try a plan to meet

If success good other wise

normal convo etc

or sometimes no contact again

Basically u need to re-seduce after the confession

he already did this with letter, this won't work now.. empah read post for context... you are talking about girls that go no contact on you angle (which is right), read some of the thread for context...

 

[Rakehell]

I’d thought this was a soft breakup initially, but if she’s still not circling back, chances are she’s emotionally checked out.

At this point she should be dropping subtle hints that the doors still open, texting you small things “hey I hope you’re doing well” etc.

I honestly feel like you forfeited a-lot of your power with your reach out attempts and justified her leaving for her by trying to “win her back”.

You need to lead the emotional tempo and come off as if it’s her with the issue. Like the breakup was an emotional meltdown on her end and that you’re steady.

That does not include jumping into her framing of why the relationship ended and trying to convince her why she shouldnt leave.

Literally have to hit her up like nothing happened and it was an emotional blip.

Then lead strongly into her meeting with you, and capitalize on those fresh emotions that come with rekindling.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

I’d thought this was a soft breakup initially, but if she’s still not circling back, chances are she’s emotionally checked out.

At this point she should be dropping subtle hints that the doors still open, texting you small things “hey I hope you’re doing well” etc.

I honestly feel like you forfeited a-lot of your power with your reach out attempts and justified her leaving for her by trying to “win her back”.

You need to lead the emotional tempo and come off as if it’s her with the issue. Like the breakup was an emotional meltdown on her end and that you’re steady.

That does not include jumping into her framing of why the relationship ended and trying to convince her why she shouldnt leave.

Literally have to hit her up like nothing happened and it was an emotional blip.

Then lead strongly into her meeting with you, and

No, this one wasn’t soft. When I tried to get her out again in the the following few days, she said stuff like “I don’t know … need to think… I’m sorry I can’t do it… I hate to say it but please don’t text me for a while… I don’t wanna drag it anymore”

I think soft one was in May when she tried it and I basically dismissed it as if nothing happened. She even pointed out to me afterwards that I “simply ignored” it when she tried telling me she “can’t sleep with me anymore”.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

No, this one wasn’t soft. When I tried to get her out again in the the following few days, she said stuff like “I don’t know … need to think… I’m sorry I can’t do it… I hate to say it but please don’t text me for a while… I don’t wanna drag it anymore”

I think soft one was in May when she tried it and I basically dismissed it as if nothing happened. She even pointed out to me afterwards that I “simply ignored” it when she tried telling me she “can’t sleep with me anymore”.

edit - she didn’t say it all in one go, but rather that was the gist of it over the following days before I write the letter -“trust me I’d like to hang out / text each other but I can’t do it / can’t drag this thing any longer”

 

[HeartOfChaos]

And a part of me feels like absolute shit.

We haven’t spoken for 12 days and I don’t know how she is handling things herself , with all her health issues. The last thing I wanted was to make her feel bad / cause her extra emotional stress given her mental state.

This is why all this year I never even gave into the temptation to Daygame or anything like this, because I was very conscious of how she might feel and I didn’t want to jeopardise things / lose my integrity with her.

 

[Rakehell]

And a part of me feels like absolute shit.

We haven’t spoken for 12 days and I don’t know how she is handling things herself , with all her health issues. The last thing I wanted was to make her feel bad / cause her extra emotional stress given her mental state.

This is why all this year I never even gave into the temptation to Daygame or anything like this, because I was very conscious of how she might feel and I didn’t want to jeopardise things / lose my integrity with her.

Yeah man, those feelings are understandable.

It’s easier to look back on things and rationalize them in hindsight. You may have not handled things perfectly, but she’s also not the kind of girl who can remain a happy camper for long with anybody, save for the first few months.

It sucks to hear, but give yourself a grieving period. Don’t immediately jump into trying to prove you don’t need her etc.

Accept that it’s a chapter closed and allow yourself to feel sad about it. Can’t be thinking about how she’s handling it (shes the one who broke it off).

If you feel like you truly aren’t ready to let things go, I can give you a strategy based on how things left off, that’ll capitalize on any lingering feelings that she’s dealing with?

You’d probably get her back, but you’d ultimately end up dealing with the same dynamics if you don’t make major changes.

Or give some tips as far as the grieving process so that you can move on and find someone who’s alot more compatible.

 

[Skills]

Op due to me trying to help you i got into the break up algorithms... So now I am bombarded with videos...
This dude get it right;

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Yeah man, those feelings are understandable.

If you feel like you truly aren’t ready to let things go, I can give you a strategy based on how things left off, that’ll capitalize on any lingering feelings that she’s dealing with?

You’d probably get her back, but you’d ultimately end up dealing with the same dynamics if you don’t make major changes.

I’d appreciate your strategy based on how things left off, yes.


In any case, I feel that both of us were hoping for something more out of the relationship, and neither of us got it, due to miscommunication / not reacting to signals, and external circumstances. So I’d like to at least give it another real shot, and see how it turns out.

I’d be down to do what Chase suggested (open communication) however the risk is that I may overload the girl too much at once and she will not think I am genuine. And I already tried writing the letter skills suggested - although of course it really needed to be in person, but alas I couldn’t get her out.

On the other hand, trying to be more playful and trying to continue as if it nothing happened is also a bit strange given the circumstances.

So yeah, I’m open to your suggestions…

 

[HeartOfChaos]

I knew another guy who was a STEM day gamer who was in the "maybe autistic, but high functioning if so, repeatedly tested and found not to be" who was long-term single and could never quite get girls he wanted despite 50+ day game lays... He was a guy who on paper you would peg as probably a perfect boyfriend/husband candidate, but due to him ignoring women's long-term signals he basically always got slotted into a weird kind of "I think this guy is just for fun, not really a bad boy, but I don't see a future here either" category. Girls would hang around 3-8 months with him, ultimately fish around to see if they could turn it into an LTR at some point, but he'd miss all the signals and they'd get frustrated and leave, usually also talking about him being a player or what have you on the way out.

Funny, that. Your description of him reminds me of me. Also had a couple of girls before do what you described. My mother always used to say "you live in your own world / you don't understand people"

 

[Rakehell]

I’d appreciate your strategy based on how things left off, yes.


In any case, I feel that both of us were hoping for something more out of the relationship, and neither of us got it, due to miscommunication / not reacting to signals, and external circumstances. So I’d like to at least give it another real shot, and see how it turns out.

Could you give me a brief recap of the course of actions taken by you both after the breakup.

I.e text exchanges, the letter, the last time you all communicated or tried to communicate. Try to include some context and the tonality of it all as best as you can (how she appeared how you reacted etc).

It’s difficult to know exactly where she’s at emotionally post breakup, but given her profile and assuming that everything she’s told you and that you’ve read on her is close to true, she likely hasn’t reacted outward (putting herself in stimulus driven environments for validation to rebound etc).

And has probably turned inward (depressive episode, shutting indoors, routine based security).

The danger in this scenario would be letting too much time pass to the point where she no longer views you as a “safe space”, and fully internalizes that you were a cause of the internal dysregulation that she feels.

Basically letting her get to the point where she feels regulated enough without you and emotionally cools off completely.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Could you give me a brief recap of the course of actions taken by you both after the breakup.

I.e text exchanges, the letter, the last time you all communicated or tried to communicate. Try to include some context and the tonality of it all as best as you can (how she appeared how you reacted etc).

It’s difficult to know exactly where she’s at emotionally post breakup, but given her profile and assuming that everything she’s told you and that you’ve read on her is close to true, she likely hasn’t reacted outward (putting herself in stimulus driven environments for validation to rebound etc).

And has probably turned inward (depressive episode, shutting indoors, routine based security).

The danger in this scenario would be letting too much time pass to the point where she no longer views you as a “safe space”, and fully internalizes that you were a cause of the internal dysregulation that she feels.

Basically letting her get to the point where she feels regulated enough without you and emotionally cools off completely.

Hi, ok, so I am shit at summarising. What is written below is rather detailed,as close as possible to what happened in days after break up:

Ok, so: break up night of 27 July. We were meant to go to beach next day. I went by myself instead (she knows I always like going out in nature on my own, she even said to me while breaking up "you should go to sea tomorrow...")

I messaged her the beach pic saying "lovely place. Feels somehow more peaceful than the beach we've been to last week". She "liked" the pic with heart emojis and replied "yeah, its because I am not there to fuck up your mood " - a short neutral exchange of a few messages or so follows, with another pic from me that she responds with a heart emoji

- she always tends to often use emojis and have brief word responses - as she always put it, she is not good at articulating her thoughts and views in written communication (she isn't good at articulating them in person too by the way)


29 July: I sent her a pic of my house interior with some text "this is why I couldn't invite you to mine all this time blah blah" -in context, she was complaining that I don't invite her to mine, only go to hers, and this is one of the reasons she always cited during the break up now and in May. I explained why before (my house has all sorts of modifications, repair shit etc, and other reasons, and so I had a legitimate reason not to invite her) , but I don't think she ever really accepted this. On day of break up I offered to send her a pic as a "proof".

She responds "yeah you really should sort this out....Also I hate to say this but please stop texting me for a while...I dont want to drag this any more"

Me: "Fine... All this time I was asking you to delay your flight home because I wanted to spend the anniversary with you and make it special. Have a good time back home and get in touch later if up for resetting things"

She: (in response to my have a good time and get in touch later)... I know you did and I am sorry it had to be like this. I hope you have a good time in your trips... I want you to be happy and good"

Me: "Thanks, blah blah" positive neutral tone
Her "Yeah blah blah" - positive neutral tone
Me: "Try some yoga postures in Turkey I taught you and send me a pic"
Her:


30 July

Her: "Hi blah blah just found out I have a yeast infection. Just wanted to let you know"
Me: thanking her for letting me know, a few messages back and forth about the potential infection and ending with "recover soon"
Her:

31 July:

Me: "look...Despite everything let's meet this weekend and do something nice? We should try instead of giving up"
Her: "I need to think... I don't know"
Me: "Nothing to overthink, just need to act"
Her: "yeah dont wanna give you false hope... I want to hang out but I made up my mind"
Me "I want to give us a chance to build something beautiful together"
Her: "I can't do it... I am sorry"
Me : "I am not gonna pressure you... I want you to feel good about me. Think about it and we can meet when you are back in town"
Her:

1 Aug: I sent her a pic of new sneakers I bought - because that's what we talked about in weeks prior, I wanted to get new ones and she was asking "can I come and choose sneakers with you". Briefconversation about them ensues, seems neutral, again with her sending her usual emojis

3 Aug - one year anniversary day

Me :"Hey, I am taking a walk in centre... Still not up for joining?"
Her: "No sorry"

This is when I write the card and the letter Skills suggested and drop in her letterbox later that day. The letter basically said

"I bought this card for you 2 weeks ago, wanted to give it you on anniversary and say how much I loved you blah blah...I was trying to understand the reasons for what happened... I get it now... I should have paid more attention to what you tried to say...Should have tried meeting your friends, your brother, your family perhaps.. once I realised I was serious about you I should have been more upfront... I wanted to, but it was all a bit difficult with my situation and I thought you wanted to hide me from your parents for a while...Perhaps the biggest mistake I made was blaming it all on your depression rather than what you actually tried to tell me...I truly hope your health recovers"

4 Aug:

Her: "Hi, I got your card, was unexpected. Was unexpected Thank you for understanding. I saw you tried to help me in every way. I appreciate that. I truly wish you to be happy and find an amazing partner who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. Thank you for great memories "

Me: "Thank you... I wish you success with everything"
Her: "Likewise "

That was our last communication. Next day I know she was flying back to home to her parents. So she is at home at her parents now.

The danger in this scenario would be letting too much time pass to the point where she no longer views you as a “safe space”, and fully internalizes that you were a cause of the internal dysregulation that she feels.

Basically letting her get to the point where she feels regulated enough without you and emotionally cools off completely.

Yeah, that's what I thought myself earlier and Chase said this too. Skills seems to be of a different opinion...

It’s difficult to know exactly where she’s at emotionally post breakup, but given her profile and assuming that everything she’s told you and that you’ve read on her is close to true, she likely hasn’t reacted outward (putting herself in stimulus driven environments for validation to rebound etc).

And has probably turned inward (depressive episode, shutting indoors, routine based security).

Yeah, I think so. She is not really a party girl, more of a homebody. Tends to spent a lot of time with her mum / family, and some close girl friends from her childhood days. Has few if any male acquaintances or friends. The impression I got is that she and her family in general aren't the most social butterflies.