How to deal with overwhelming anxiety? What are the most massive steps you took to deal with really serious anxiety?

Merchant's-Kin

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Dec 30, 2019
Messages
144
Hi guys,

Problem
I have the problem of worrying too much about literally everything. I'm frustrated at this and I can accept that it may take months or years to deal with this. But I don't care because I'll do everything in my power to deal with it no matter what.
A particularly bad factor is experience level because I still haven't lost my virginity.

Disclaimer: I'm saying that I have high anxiety because I genuinely think that I have a high level of anxiety. I can't really measure how it compares with the anxiety anyone else has had because I can only feel what I feel and not what anyone else feels.


What I've been doing over the past few months is more or less cold approaching with the intent to number close only. I initially had a lot of anxiety to even say anything but after really just brute forcing the approaches through volume, I have gotten numb enough to be able to get out of my head for what I would unfortunately say is perhaps only the first 30 seconds of conversation with a girl

Examples to illustrate the level of anxiety that I have:
1. When I cold approach, I deliberately do not even think more than 1 step ahead (Perhaps this is just something I have to stop doing and suck up), because I'm worried that I'll worry about what I have to do 2-steps later or 3-steps later and how this anxiety is going to affect what I'm doing at step 1
2. When I have a date, with the above mindset I just described, it's just so hard to lead because I'm deliberately trying to not think of what's the next step so that I can get what I'm doing at the current moment right
Would everyone recommend that I get rid of this deliberately-do-not-think-far-ahead mindset?
Initially I thought I should maintain this mindset because:

Let's say I manage to get to steps 4 and 5 (which I have gotten to before). The quantity and relatability of these experiences do not feel like enough for me to actually be learning something concretely
Let's say I get to steps 4 and 5 once every 2 weeks, it doesn't feel as though I can learn very much from getting here because there is so little repetition and so scattered

3. I deliberately only approach girls who are not hanging out with anyone else because it's just so much to deal with just speaking to one girl
4. Girls as meta-evaluators: I have this bad assumption that girls are always evaluating exactly how much experience I have and comparing it with every single other guy they've slept with before (which then on the spot reminds me of the fact that the girl probably knows way more about sleeping with guys than I know about sleeping with girls). I think I do a pretty good job of not blaming them for it and understanding why but that does not solve the problem that this just leads to me feeling like so much pressure is on me. It feels as though my learning curve is going to be like spending a lot of time working on every step and fail and fail at that before I finally get to the next steps. Should I just not give a fk what she thinks of me and just try to lead? It's not all the time I think of this, but it does come back to bite occasionally and when it does it is very depressing.


Looking for solutions
When I approach, I approach some quite attractive girls. I can accept that maybe this is the problem and I'm willing to approach less attractive girls if I have to depending on the advice you guys have
Whenever I think about having to approach not so attractive girls. I get afraid/anxious that they're gonna sense that I'm not as attracted to them as I am to some other girls. I agree that it makes sense that if I choose them, I choose them. They can accept or reject me at will. I suppose it's worth emphasising that if I'm not comfortable with approaching less attractive girls, the girl will also not be comfortable with me approaching a less attractive girl. So the solution would be for me to get comfortable with approaching less attractive girls.

Thank you so much to anyone who's read this long and hopefully not too jumbled up post :) Hope you can share ur thoughts
Would appreciate ideas from anyone
Y
 

Bismarck

Chieftan
Staff member
tribal-elder
Joined
Jan 1, 2020
Messages
19
Hey man,

It would help if you could provide some more context about yourself. I’ve seen you’re in college and you’re still a virgin. You live in Singapore.

Beyond that it doesn’t seem like you’ve provided much more information.

Do you have friends? Do you do sports? Describe for us what a typical month in your life is like.

A certain amount of “anxiety” (I like to think of it as excitement) is normal, especially when a guy is dealing with a very hot girl.

IME “anxiety” is exacerbated by coffee consumption, and a lack of social interactions.

“Anxiety” is brought under control when you meditate (check out TRE - Carousel has some good literature about this), when you practice good posture and body language (this comes naturally if you work out in the gym), eat healthy, and sleep well. You can skip a few of these steps temporarily if you drink alcohol.
 

ElderPrice

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jun 11, 2018
Messages
333
How to deal with the anxiety?

1. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself.
2. Practice.

Let me ask you this, when's the last time you said at a certain point in-field "I don't know what to do at this point. Eh, let's try ABC and see what happens!" Of your posts that I've read, I don't recall an instance where it sounded like you were experimenting for the fun of it. Try only focusing on 1-3 things you want to improve on each outing. For everything else, treat it as an experiment and just go with your instinct. The only thing you're allowed to worry about are those 1-3 things.

If you're trying to do the equivalent of memorizing an encyclopedia of knowledge before putting in the practice, you're going to be anxious every step of the way wondering if you're doing it correctly. Don't be afraid to be more like the men that came before you. They didn't have access to the materials that you do. So what did they do? They went out and practiced, and made the most fun of it. Then after enough iterations, they were able to learn the content of the materials by practice alone.

So when in doubt, approach more women. If you're at a legit sticking point, post a detailed FR and we'll be able to spot your error. Also cut back on the number of things you're worrying about each outing. You'll have more fun, which will reduce the anxiety.
 

J Wick

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Dec 25, 2012
Messages
585
I used to have really bad anxiety. I still deal with it, but it's managable now. I think TRE therapy will help me finish it off.

But how I dramatically lessened it, was eating better and having a healthier lifestyle (I dig a sort of paleo). If you aren't eating well or sleeping well, that can really cause some issues. Sunlight, working out (not too much, burn out can cause more stress), and having friends to talk to can help out as well.

If you have at least that foundation, then doing the inner game stuff like reflection and meditation, getting experience and therapies will be much more effective. You can't build a tower on sand, and your body is a complex thing. You take care of it, and it takes care of you.
 

Carousel

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
540
I have not read everything here, but MASSIVE anxiety should be dealt with using TRE or similar techs (qigong, yoga breathing, somatic experiencing).
MINOR anxiety can be dealt with using many of the other remedies mentioned here, like nofap or meditation.


Note: Meditation with massive anxiety can have unpredictable effects as you may run into major traumas - do the TRE first for a while.
 
Last edited:

Velasco

Modern Human
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
663
Examples to illustrate the level of anxiety that I have:
1. When I cold approach, I deliberately do not even think more than 1 step ahead (Perhaps this is just something I have to stop doing and suck up), because I'm worried that I'll worry about what I have to do 2-steps later or 3-steps later and how this anxiety is going to affect what I'm doing at step 1
2. When I have a date, with the above mindset I just described, it's just so hard to lead because I'm deliberately trying to not think of what's the next step so that I can get what I'm doing at the current moment right
Would everyone recommend that I get rid of this deliberately-do-not-think-far-ahead mindset?
I don’t think 2-3 steps ahead either. I just focus on her vibe/energy at each step.

So, I have a game plan (Step 1: Open/spike. Step 2: Vibe. Step 3: Excuse to isolate/sit down. Step 4: Sex Frames. Step 5: Pull.).

So when I see a girl, I am only thinking about step 1. There is no thinking about steps 2, 3, 4, and 5. At step 2 (step 1 is super fast), I is when I start thinking about Step 3 (at steps 1 and 2 I am not thinking about where I’m gonna isolate her, because I already did my homework, and am aware of my surroundings (for nightgame, I know where the quiet area is. For daygame, I know where the nearest cafe is). The same can be said for steps 1 and 2 (I know the energy I want girls to be at for step 2 (vibey/talkative), so my open is based on her energy level when I see her. Like if I can see that she’s bored (and was not aware of my presence when I approached her), my opener will be more spikey, to get her to step 2’s vibe. Maybe I can see that she is already attracted (via approach invites, so she wants to talk), then I can just go in and ask an innocent question with a smile on my face that says, “I can see that you're attracted to me”. And at step 2, I already know the questions to ask (and answers to give (intrigue), which create the energy I need her at for step 3 ("I want to get to know this person" vibe). Once I feel that vibe, is when I suggest we move to step 3. Once I’ve made the transition from step 3 to step 4, I am only focused on sexual frames (verbal and nonverbal (eyes+touch) to aid the verbals). I am not thinking at all how am I gonna pull her. Just frames. My goal with this is to create the energy she needs for step 5 to go smoothly (face and body language. sometimes she'll even verbalize (from subtle things like “it’s hot in here” to overt like, “wanna go fuck”) if you’re not sure whether she's at that vibe).

I have this bad assumption that girls are always evaluating exactly how much experience I have and comparing it with every single other guy they've slept with before
when you are seducing them properly (going through the steps properly) they will assume you are just as (if not more) experienced as every other guy she’s slept with (even if you have little to no experience).
Whenever I think about having to approach not so attractive girls. I get afraid/anxious that they're gonna sense that I'm not as attracted to them as I am to some other girls.
Your frame with unattractive girls should be: I'm not going to sleep with you. I just wanna make you laugh (ultimately for you to get into flow state). sometimes by doing this, girls will mistakenly think you're hitting on them (they'll give you step 3's vibe pretty quick), but when that happens, just eject with a silly excuse, no big deal.
 
Last edited:

Merchant's-Kin

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Dec 30, 2019
Messages
144
Thanks for all the advice guys!

Hey man,

It would help if you could provide some more context about yourself. I’ve seen you’re in college and you’re still a virgin. You live in Singapore.

Beyond that it doesn’t seem like you’ve provided much more information.

Do you have friends? Do you do sports? Describe for us what a typical month in your life is like.

A certain amount of “anxiety” (I like to think of it as excitement) is normal, especially when a guy is dealing with a very hot girl.

IME “anxiety” is exacerbated by coffee consumption, and a lack of social interactions.

“Anxiety” is brought under control when you meditate (check out TRE - Carousel has some good literature about this), when you practice good posture and body language (this comes naturally if you work out in the gym), eat healthy, and sleep well. You can skip a few of these steps temporarily if you drink alcohol.
Alright I'll post some introduction information (in addition to below) about myself on this thread tonight.

I live pretty healthy and actually satisfy most of the stuff that u mentioned here. The major differences for me are:
1. I eat 2 meals a day (Not actually sure if this is considered "unhealthy"). Breakfast and dinner and most of the time nothing in between and sometimes a snack after dinner. I do feel this may affect me slightly as there's nothing in my stomach all the way till dinner. Though I carry and drink bottled Japanese tea around when I approach to be in a happier mood
2. I'm locked up in my house doing work for online classes all the time other than me running errands and doing daygame. That's means other about 4-5 hours a day I'm locked in the same room
3. Sleeping is about 7.5 hours a day
4. I drink alcohol, average once every 1-2 months, when meeting the occasional friend, otherwise zero. Before Corona, that was
5. I really don't spend time with other people, there are maybe 1-2 non-judgemental people who I can still connect with right now (and usuallyy the best I can do is voice call them), given that I've really drifted away from ex-friends especially with all the perception shifts after I started approaching 2.5 months ago. So I definitely am looking for new friends now but I haven't been very serious with the search. This lack of social interactions thing is a major factor. Thanks for pointing this out to me.
6. I'm always messaging people but these are not in any way interactions for the purpose of being "social". So no happiness from that haha
7. No sports. But workout for 20mins in my room everyday.
8. As for Singapore, that's where I was raised and grew up and love the place, current location better not to say as the law where I am is not allowing daygame
9. As for food choice, it's just fulfill protein, vit C, carbs, fibre, fats, that's how I think about it very basic haha

It should be more anxiety than just excitement talking to hot girls. At least that's what I feel.


How to deal with the anxiety?

1. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself.
2. Practice.

Let me ask you this, when's the last time you said at a certain point in-field "I don't know what to do at this point. Eh, let's try ABC and see what happens!" Of your posts that I've read, I don't recall an instance where it sounded like you were experimenting for the fun of it. Try only focusing on 1-3 things you want to improve on each outing. For everything else, treat it as an experiment and just go with your instinct. The only thing you're allowed to worry about are those 1-3 things.

If you're trying to do the equivalent of memorizing an encyclopedia of knowledge before putting in the practice, you're going to be anxious every step of the way wondering if you're doing it correctly. Don't be afraid to be more like the men that came before you. They didn't have access to the materials that you do. So what did they do? They went out and practiced, and made the most fun of it. Then after enough iterations, they were able to learn the content of the materials by practice alone.

So when in doubt, approach more women. If you're at a legit sticking point, post a detailed FR and we'll be able to spot your error. Also cut back on the number of things you're worrying about each outing. You'll have more fun, which will reduce the anxiety.
Hey @ElderPrice ! :)

Yeah I've found that the pressure on myself is so great when I keep thinking about my game performance, so I'll try to stop thinking about my game performance.

Yeah I've started thinking about having fun but haven't actually thought very seriously about it. I'll try to find a way to up the fun-level and see if this helps with the anxiety. I think it should!

As for only worrying about 1-3 things, it's quite confusing in the sense that I'm always worrying about not performing well in enough, not in always one type of way but in a ton of different ways. I'll see what I can do to prevent my worries.


I used to have really bad anxiety. I still deal with it, but it's managable now. I think TRE therapy will help me finish it off.

But how I dramatically lessened it, was eating better and having a healthier lifestyle (I dig a sort of paleo). If you aren't eating well or sleeping well, that can really cause some issues. Sunlight, working out (not too much, burn out can cause more stress), and having friends to talk to can help out as well.

If you have at least that foundation, then doing the inner game stuff like reflection and meditation, getting experience and therapies will be much more effective. You can't build a tower on sand, and your body is a complex thing. You take care of it, and it takes care of you.
Yeah I get quite little sunlight, will get my window open more.
Glad to hear that u've managed to deal with it.

Stop any excessive masturbation and Porn.. believe it or believe it not it has massive effect on your ability to cope with the world.
Yep I've managed to do not do any of this for the past 6 months and it's gotten easier to avoid and makes me happier


I have not read everything here, but MASSIVE anxiety should be dealt with using TRE or similar techs (qigong, yoga breathing, somatic experiencing).
MINOR anxiety can be dealt with using many of the other remedies mentioned here, like nofap or meditation.

Note: Meditation with massive anxiety can have unpredictable effects as you may run into major traumas - do the TRE first for a while.
Ok I'll give it a good look and if I need put it into my schedule.


I don’t think 2-3 steps ahead either. I just focus on her vibe/energy at each step.

So, I have a game plan (Step 1: Open/spike. Step 2: Vibe. Step 3: Excuse to isolate/sit down. Step 4: Sex Frames. Step 5: Pull.).

So when I see a girl, I am only thinking about step 1. There is no thinking about steps 2, 3, 4, and 5. At step 2 (step 1 is super fast), I is when I start thinking about Step 3 (at steps 1 and 2 I am not thinking about where I’m gonna isolate her, because I already did my homework, and am aware of my surroundings (for nightgame, I know where the quiet area is. For daygame, I know where the nearest cafe is). The same can be said for steps 1 and 2 (I know the energy I want girls to be at for step 2 (vibey/talkative), so my open is based on her energy level when I see her. Like if I can see that she’s bored (and was not aware of my presence when I approached her), my opener will be more spikey, to get her to step 2’s vibe. Maybe I can see that she is already attracted (via approach invites, so she wants to talk), then I can just go in and ask an innocent question with a smile on my face that says, “I can see that you're attracted to me”. And at step 2, I already know the questions to ask (and answers to give (intrigue), which create the energy I need her at for step 3 ("I want to get to know this person" vibe). Once I feel that vibe, is when I suggest we move to step 3. Once I’ve made the transition from step 3 to step 4, I am only focused on sexual frames (verbal and nonverbal (eyes+touch) to aid the verbals). I am not thinking at all how am I gonna pull her. Just frames. My goal with this is to create the energy she needs for step 5 to go smoothly (face and body language. sometimes she'll even verbalize (from subtle things like “it’s hot in here” to overt like, “wanna go fuck”) if you’re not sure whether she's at that vibe).


when you are seducing them properly (going through the steps properly) they will assume you are just as (if not more) experienced as every other guy she’s slept with (even if you have little to no experience).

Your frame with unattractive girls should be: I'm not going to sleep with you. I just wanna make you laugh (ultimately for you to get into flow state). sometimes by doing this, girls will mistakenly think you're hitting on them (they'll give you step 3's vibe pretty quick), but when that happens, just eject with a silly excuse, no big deal.
Ok I see, thanks for sharing ur process!

What I would takeaway from here is:
1. Do my homework and go through the motions (should become more natural after a couple of times)
Both in terms of:
1.1. logistics
1.2. conversation experience
2. I don't really understand vibes well enough at this stage, still trying to get my conversation going, but I can see how u use vibe to gauge and it does sound quite simple when u put it that way. I would be able to imagine myself doing that, just gotta get the skills I need down first.


when you are seducing them properly (going through the steps properly) they will assume you are just as (if not more) experienced as every other guy she’s slept with (even if you have little to no experience).
Ok that makes sense. Just me putting pressure on myself I'll look at my problem more closely.


Your frame with unattractive girls should be: I'm not going to sleep with you. I just wanna make you laugh (ultimately for you to get into flow state). sometimes by doing this, girls will mistakenly think you're hitting on them (they'll give you step 3's vibe pretty quick), but when that happens, just eject with a silly excuse, no big deal.
I won't approach girls I don't find attractive in any way at all. I suppose it's hard for me to discuss this because i don't really know what is high quality and what is not. I will experiment with approaching less attractive girls and see. Thanks for the advice!


I'll go out again, study some more and see where my anxiety is at.
 

Mr STIF

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Dec 8, 2019
Messages
53
I cold approached for 30days straight. First, I went out for some days just to train my ability to understand IOI's, compiled a list of them in addition to those I found on YouTube. I still see these signs everyday and it's funny how I didn't ever notice them before I emerged on this PUA journey.

I practiced my walk, posture, eye contact for days. It's more subconscious now. I just realized I need to be out there where everybody is to get as comfortable as everybody.

Did you know I even practiced my approaches with a dummy or imaginary. I just assumed there's a woman there and I practiced. I follow my process and exchange numbers with my imagination.

Sometimes, I even say those same words when I'm in a set. It just comes out intuitively because the present scenario matched one I have rehearsed.

I practiced smiling at the mirror, left and right wink, smirk e.t.c I added some mannerisms like touching my goatee, standing akimbo while in a set to seem bigger, licking my upper and lower lips. Anything that seems sexy to the opposite sex.

Lastly, I work as a salesman in my Father's shop so I definitely see and interact with people everyday.

Every experienced PUA knows various routines they do everyday to lower the tension that anxiety brings.

I later noticed that most humans are born that way, we need skills to live this life and mastering those skills can be strenous and failure to get them right might cause an alarming depression.

The first skill I'll recommend to any beginner of the game is the ability to not give a fuck or you can call it confidence. Without this trait you cannot play this game.

Watch a lot of infield videos too buddy and gain motivation from there.
 

Merchant's-Kin

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Dec 30, 2019
Messages
144
Did you know I even practiced my approaches with a dummy or imaginary. I just assumed there's a woman there and I practiced. I follow my process and exchange numbers with my imagination.
Determination bro.

The first skill I'll recommend to any beginner of the game is the ability to not give a fuck or you can call it confidence. Without this trait you cannot play this game.
Ok. I just went out with a much more experimenting mindset and it felt better. Though of course I didn't get much further with any of the girls either.

Every experienced PUA knows various routines they do everyday to lower the tension that anxiety brings.
I suppose I'll have to build up some form of habits to deal with anxiety more.

Thanks @Mr STIF
 

Starboy

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 2, 2018
Messages
97
Hi guys,

Problem
I have the problem of worrying too much about literally everything. I'm frustrated at this and I can accept that it may take months or years to deal with this. But I don't care because I'll do everything in my power to deal with it no matter what.
A particularly bad factor is experience level because I still haven't lost my virginity.

Disclaimer: I'm saying that I have high anxiety because I genuinely think that I have a high level of anxiety. I can't really measure how it compares with the anxiety anyone else has had because I can only feel what I feel and not what anyone else feels.


What I've been doing over the past few months is more or less cold approaching with the intent to number close only. I initially had a lot of anxiety to even say anything but after really just brute forcing the approaches through volume, I have gotten numb enough to be able to get out of my head for what I would unfortunately say is perhaps only the first 30 seconds of conversation with a girl

Examples to illustrate the level of anxiety that I have:
1. When I cold approach, I deliberately do not even think more than 1 step ahead (Perhaps this is just something I have to stop doing and suck up), because I'm worried that I'll worry about what I have to do 2-steps later or 3-steps later and how this anxiety is going to affect what I'm doing at step 1
2. When I have a date, with the above mindset I just described, it's just so hard to lead because I'm deliberately trying to not think of what's the next step so that I can get what I'm doing at the current moment right
Would everyone recommend that I get rid of this deliberately-do-not-think-far-ahead mindset?
Initially I thought I should maintain this mindset because:

Let's say I manage to get to steps 4 and 5 (which I have gotten to before). The quantity and relatability of these experiences do not feel like enough for me to actually be learning something concretely
Let's say I get to steps 4 and 5 once every 2 weeks, it doesn't feel as though I can learn very much from getting here because there is so little repetition and so scattered

3. I deliberately only approach girls who are not hanging out with anyone else because it's just so much to deal with just speaking to one girl
4. Girls as meta-evaluators: I have this bad assumption that girls are always evaluating exactly how much experience I have and comparing it with every single other guy they've slept with before (which then on the spot reminds me of the fact that the girl probably knows way more about sleeping with guys than I know about sleeping with girls). I think I do a pretty good job of not blaming them for it and understanding why but that does not solve the problem that this just leads to me feeling like so much pressure is on me. It feels as though my learning curve is going to be like spending a lot of time working on every step and fail and fail at that before I finally get to the next steps. Should I just not give a fk what she thinks of me and just try to lead? It's not all the time I think of this, but it does come back to bite occasionally and when it does it is very depressing.


Looking for solutions
When I approach, I approach some quite attractive girls. I can accept that maybe this is the problem and I'm willing to approach less attractive girls if I have to depending on the advice you guys have
Whenever I think about having to approach not so attractive girls. I get afraid/anxious that they're gonna sense that I'm not as attracted to them as I am to some other girls. I agree that it makes sense that if I choose them, I choose them. They can accept or reject me at will. I suppose it's worth emphasising that if I'm not comfortable with approaching less attractive girls, the girl will also not be comfortable with me approaching a less attractive girl. So the solution would be for me to get comfortable with approaching less attractive girls.

Thank you so much to anyone who's read this long and hopefully not too jumbled up post :) Hope you can share ur thoughts
Would appreciate ideas from anyone
Y
I'm in the exact same boat as you buddy. Like literally I overthink things,try to be perfect,am always worried what to do next,no sex experience. So don't feel too ashamed and be too hard on yourself for your current situation. You've begun practicing at least so you have a leg up on other guys who haven't yet. It's tough from the start,but the more you approach girls and analyze your interactions after they happen the better you get. Also consciously think what could I have done differently to make this girl seem more receptive to me or what can I do better? Make sure not to burn yourself out to and try to genuinely have fun with approaching girls. I think it helps when instead of thinking of it as anxiety you think excitement. Like it's a cute girl and I want to talk to her and see if she likes me. When I don't masturbate for a week or two that's how I feel when I see some women on the street although you can also run into the problem of feeling too thirsty or horny haha. If singapore is too restricted at the moment then maybe don't game yet unless you already have approached girls during quarantine and they haven't given you grief for trying to talk to them. Only you can make that assessment though. I'm in a city that's opening up and i'm still apprehensive of approaching lol.Best of luck.
 

Mr STIF

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Dec 8, 2019
Messages
53
Yes. We were all born shy but experiences programmed confidence into us.

Try practicing your approach alone, walk around your house, imagine her responses, imagine vibing and the playfulness,imagine leading her through the crowd despite being in your house.

Act out how you will behave around her. Try to record your dummy approach with a voice recorder, listen to them and notice your voice tonality.

You'll find out more about yourself. For example sometimes I'll do this dummy approach and catch myself say some wussy things that's against the game.

Immediately, I know that is as a result of societal programming and I change my words. Also, it points out to me how we sabotage ourselves with women because if I had said that wussy thing in an ongoing set then maybe I might have been headed for the friend zone.
 

Merchant's-Kin

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Dec 30, 2019
Messages
144
Here's some introductory information in case anyone wants to know about me,

I'm a 21/22 yr old virgin doing online classes for college. I grew up in Singapore. I have really conversative parents that till now haven't said the word "sex" to me. I started reading GC about 2 years ago. But didn't do my first serious approach until about 1.5 years after reading GC.

Major things regarding my history with girls:
1. I have never had a girl who was my friend for being a friend's sake. For the 2-3 girls who I did come to know well enough as a friend would, they were being nice to me because they had feelings for me (after reading GC of course wtf it's just some provider desires)
In real life, I have a really bad resting-bitch face which is why I'm quite unapproachable. It's not that I'm bad-looking but that when I don't smile I look very intimidating and pissed off as some girls have told me. Throughout high school and even in college, I never made any effort to make friends with girls because I didn't even know what my relationship with any girl is supposed to be. I didn't even know that a girl can be my friend really didn't know anything oh well.

2. I only realised this this year after I started approaching actually but so I think there was this girl in my high school who was chasing me for a really long period of time even though she didn't know me. I didn't even speak to her. And she told a lot of people about me (of course I didn't know about this) and she one of those quite well-connected people in my quite small high school. I liked her a bit too at the time, but I didn't want to tell her for idk why but she just didn't stop chasing so I thought why not just tell her (after like about a year) but when I told her. I totally didn't know how to do it and then I made a fool of myself. This is the part I only realised this year. Once she found out I wasn't any high-quality guy that she thought I was and told other people I was, she threw me under bus. I forgive her anyways. Can't blame her.

3. I've gotten IOIs and AIs from girls in high school and other places in my life and I didn't even know wtf they meant. Then the girls probably think I'm an asshole. I've got good fashion or maybe it's a good body shape or something but quite a lot of girls were giving me IOIs in high school and still now in college but even after reading GC I still didn't have the guts or experience to give girls what they want because I didn't go out into the field to learn so I'm very glad I'm doing that now

4. It was after I read GC for about 1-1.5 years that I got into some kind of relationship with a girl where there was no sex (NO sexual activity whatsoever, and I didn't even kiss her, the furthest I got with her was me hugging her), and I realised that there was a lot that she wasn't telling me about her life (even though I initially thought I knew a lot and GC rules didn't apply to her, funny AF) and she was constantly trying (sometimes successfully) to walk all over me. I started approaching for the reason that I don't want a girl to walk all over me for the rest of my life. Of course this is very negative but thankfully after approaching and experiencing this material way more, life has become so much more positive and the new positive reasons that drive me to approach have already significantly outweighed the negative reason that I started out with.

A month in my life right now:
In addition to the stuff I wrote in an earlier post on this thread,
My life is essentially just 2 things:
1. My studies in the field I'm working towards
2. Daygame and socializing to find friends (I literally just know no one in real-life who is serious about PU lol)
Not much interesting stuff going on I suppose. But I genuinely think DayGame and Night Game after it opens up will be really interesting. Perhaps I'll do more socialising slightly later but I do really wanna get good at game first.

So I'm taking the responsibility to get better at this, to be able to give the girls I like a good time. I would say I saw a lot of the ugly side of girls and really not enough of the good side so now I'll work to reverse all the negative experiences that I had with girls because I need to for my own good.

Thank you so much to everyone who's built this community and everyone participating in it. This is one of the most impactful things that have been built in the 21st century for men. Well at least the few men who can see it and literally every girl who's gonna love us for it ;)
Y
 
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Merchant's-Kin

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Dec 30, 2019
Messages
144
I'm in the exact same boat as you buddy. Like literally I overthink things,try to be perfect,am always worried what to do next,no sex experience. So don't feel too ashamed and be too hard on yourself for your current situation. You've begun practicing at least so you have a leg up on other guys who haven't yet. It's tough from the start,but the more you approach girls and analyze your interactions after they happen the better you get. Also consciously think what could I have done differently to make this girl seem more receptive to me or what can I do better? Make sure not to burn yourself out to and try to genuinely have fun with approaching girls. I think it helps when instead of thinking of it as anxiety you think excitement. Like it's a cute girl and I want to talk to her and see if she likes me. When I don't masturbate for a week or two that's how I feel when I see some women on the street although you can also run into the problem of feeling too thirsty or horny haha. If singapore is too restricted at the moment then maybe don't game yet unless you already have approached girls during quarantine and they haven't given you grief for trying to talk to them. Only you can make that assessment though. I'm in a city that's opening up and i'm still apprehensive of approaching lol.Best of luck.
Hey bro, glad to share the feelings.
For masturbation, I actually stopped for a 3-year period. Then started again. Then realised how shit it was. Then I stopped again so right now I've been off that and porn for about 6 months. Honestly, I think porn is worse. If u can't get off masturbation, just get off porn. Without porn, masturbation becomes easier to break as a second step.

I'm in a city that's opening up and i'm still apprehensive of approaching lol.
@Starboy
My advice is to just go and approach. As long as there aren't people who will report u to police, or CCTV cameras watching, u can approach. When I approached during Corona restrictions, the girls could tell I was scared too, so it still turned them off, but I got a great head start such that I wouldn't be where I am (not very much progress in skill but large improvement in my attitude) right now if I didn't do that.

Don't worry one bit about masks, there's a thread on the General board that discusses masks not being a problem for attraction. All the approaches I'm doing right now are with masks. No prob whatsoever.
 

Starboy

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Apr 2, 2018
Messages
97
@Starboy
My advice is to just go and approach. As long as there aren't people who will report u to police, or CCTV cameras watching, u can approach. When I approached during Corona restrictions, the girls could tell I was scared too, so it still turned them off, but I got a great head start such that I wouldn't be where I am (not very much progress in skill but large improvement in my attitude) right now if I didn't do that.

Don't worry one bit about masks, there's a thread on the General board that discusses masks not being a problem for attraction. All the approaches I'm doing right now are with masks. No prob whatsoever.
Yeah I know the mask isn't that much of a deterence. The only thing with the mask that bothers me is I won't be able to project my voice well. I already had a tough time speaking loudly and clearly and the mask exaberbates that for me. Also if she doesn't see my face that well she can't tell if i'm cute or not lol. But I suppose I could pull it down to my chin just when I speak to her. Is it still doable to direct compliment a girl if she has her mask on? Or does that seem incongruent since her face is partially covered? I can still tell if I find a woman attractive with a mask,but I just want to know what your thoughts were.
 

Henry

Rookie
Rookie
Joined
Jun 30, 2020
Messages
1
Hi guys,

Problem
I have the problem of worrying too much about literally everything. I'm frustrated at this and I can accept that it may take months or years to deal with this. But I don't care because I'll do everything in my power to deal with it no matter what.
A particularly bad factor is experience level because I still haven't lost my virginity.

Disclaimer: I'm saying that I have high anxiety because I genuinely think that I have a high level of anxiety. I can't really measure how it compares with the anxiety anyone else has had because I can only feel what I feel and not what anyone else feels.


What I've been doing over the past few months is more or less cold approaching with the intent to number close only. I initially had a lot of anxiety to even say anything but after really just brute forcing the approaches through volume, I have gotten numb enough to be able to get out of my head for what I would unfortunately say is perhaps only the first 30 seconds of conversation with a girl

Examples to illustrate the level of anxiety that I have:
1. When I cold approach, I deliberately do not even think more than 1 step ahead (Perhaps this is just something I have to stop doing and suck up), because I'm worried that I'll worry about what I have to do 2-steps later or 3-steps later and how this anxiety is going to affect what I'm doing at step 1
2. When I have a date, with the above mindset I just described, it's just so hard to lead because I'm deliberately trying to not think of what's the next step so that I can get what I'm doing at the current moment right
Would everyone recommend that I get rid of this deliberately-do-not-think-far-ahead mindset?
Initially I thought I should maintain this mindset because:

Let's say I manage to get to steps 4 and 5 (which I have gotten to before). The quantity and relatability of these experiences do not feel like enough for me to actually be learning something concretely
Let's say I get to steps 4 and 5 once every 2 weeks, it doesn't feel as though I can learn very much from getting here because there is so little repetition and so scattered

3. I deliberately only approach girls who are not hanging out with anyone else because it's just so much to deal with just speaking to one girl
4. Girls as meta-evaluators: I have this bad assumption that girls are always evaluating exactly how much experience I have and comparing it with every single other guy they've slept with before (which then on the spot reminds me of the fact that the girl probably knows way more about sleeping with guys than I know about sleeping with girls). I think I do a pretty good job of not blaming them for it and understanding why but that does not solve the problem that this just leads to me feeling like so much pressure is on me. It feels as though my learning curve is going to be like spending a lot of time working on every step and fail and fail at that before I finally get to the next steps. Should I just not give a fk what she thinks of me and just try to lead? It's not all the time I think of this, but it does come back to bite occasionally and when it does it is very depressing.


Looking for solutions
When I approach, I approach some quite attractive girls. I can accept that maybe this is the problem and I'm willing to approach less attractive girls if I have to depending on the advice you guys have
Whenever I think about having to approach not so attractive girls. I get afraid/anxious that they're gonna sense that I'm not as attracted to them as I am to some other girls. I agree that it makes sense that if I choose them, I choose them. They can accept or reject me at will. I suppose it's worth emphasising that if I'm not comfortable with approaching less attractive girls, the girl will also not be comfortable with me approaching a less attractive girl. So the solution would be for me to get comfortable with approaching less attractive girls.

Thank you so much to anyone who's read this long and hopefully not too jumbled up post :) Hope you can share ur thoughts
Would appreciate ideas from anyone
Y
Mate you should maybe check out whether you have social anxiety or general anxiety, as I think your approach would differ depending on which it is. If you're willing to spend a bit of money, I'd forget about all the macho bullshit and go and see a psychologist. They're just a coach for the mind, and might help you start your journey in the right direction. I'd have a look at philosophy as well - there's a host of mindsets and beliefs that helped me a lot, such as stoicism. Other than that, the rest of the lads' tips are sound - start working out, socialize more in general, get a grip on your vices (pornography, stimulants, substances, electronic overuse). I used to be extremely religious up until my early 20's, obviously with very limited sexual experience, and as soon as I got my mind right, chics started becoming a lot more receptive. Mindset and fundamentals can give experience a run for its money any day. Best of luck
 

Merchant's-Kin

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Dec 30, 2019
Messages
144
Yeah I know the mask isn't that much of a deterence. The only thing with the mask that bothers me is I won't be able to project my voice well. I already had a tough time speaking loudly and clearly and the mask exaberbates that for me. Also if she doesn't see my face that well she can't tell if i'm cute or not lol. But I suppose I could pull it down to my chin just when I speak to her. Is it still doable to direct compliment a girl if she has her mask on? Or does that seem incongruent since her face is partially covered? I can still tell if I find a woman attractive with a mask,but I just want to know what your thoughts were.
@Starboy
Yes absolutely doable. Over the past few weeks I've been changing my openers to direct ONLY to indicate as much intent as fast as possible. What I've done is approach if I like one out of a few things:
Her fashion: U don't even need to like her face to APPROACH, keyword here is approach, u just need something to be able to open direct with. If I approach her and her personality is shit and I don't like her face after getting a better look, then maybe I won't text her afterwards. But always APPROACH to get the experience
Her eyes: Not tested thoroughly by me but definitely doable. Most of the time I can already trick my mind into thinking her face is cute by just looking at her eyes. Again it doesn't even matter if she actually is cute. We just need approaching experience
Her body: Just simply complement her body, I have no problem with saying "nice ass", or "you look... sexy :)" This is all day game.

NOTE: It ONLY NEEDS TO BE ONE OUT OF THESE THINGS. If I think her face is really not great but her fashion is good, I will still do it, because I can go up to her and tell her that there is at least one thing I genuinely like about her
Her fashion may be shit but if her body is great, just approach and compliment her body, and then try to find out about her personality, in the end ur just trying to sleep with her anyways right? If u don't approach there are things u will always never see.

NOTE: I have tested out the good fashion but not very attractive scenarios before and they work pretty ok. I haven't tested out the good body bad fashion thing, and also haven't tested the eyes thing that well. Don't complement her eyes directly, just say "wow u look cute" or something raw and natural that's my opinion.
The good body bad fashion thing is not an excuse not to approach. But the thing I've noticed about giving sexual compliments is that u have to say it in a certain way very suave and way that is acceptable to her or it will come off as creepy or too extreme. Good to train this particular skill and it will give u more opportunities to approach

Don't let anything slow u down. WTF is corona in comparison to this meh
Y


Mate you should maybe check out whether you have social anxiety or general anxiety, as I think your approach would differ depending on which it is. If you're willing to spend a bit of money, I'd forget about all the macho bullshit and go and see a psychologist. They're just a coach for the mind, and might help you start your journey in the right direction. I'd have a look at philosophy as well - there's a host of mindsets and beliefs that helped me a lot, such as stoicism. Other than that, the rest of the lads' tips are sound - start working out, socialize more in general, get a grip on your vices (pornography, stimulants, substances, electronic overuse). I used to be extremely religious up until my early 20's, obviously with very limited sexual experience, and as soon as I got my mind right, chics started becoming a lot more receptive. Mindset and fundamentals can give experience a run for its money any day. Best of luck
Ok. I'll look at electronic overuse. Though not much I can do about that! Thanks for following @Henry !
I'lll just keep practicing, the anxiety is actually slowly wearing down as I progress further. But definitely not what I expected, taking much longer to get rid of this anxiety than I expected. But I can see light at the end of the tunnel. That's more than enough to keep me going

I'll definitely take a look at the difference between social and general anxiety. Thank u for the advice. Stoicism sounds interesting I'll check it out
 
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