How to know if the girl is locked in or converted

[empath]

You should stop yourself and ask what is wrong with your behaviour , and see if you can find the answer.

This, from start to finish is textbook needy behaviour and a clear example of how not to retain a girl.

What do you think you’re doing wrong? let’s start there.

Idk man what to do with this one

Till I played cool, she started to go cold, denied me sex and all.

When I showed emotions again she went more colder.

Obviously I can't maintain the persona I used to pick-up a girl forever

How long can I keep doing some curiosity or mystery thing with her to keep her hooked or get her on calls.

 

[empath]

He already got insights from others since the beginning but ignored everything said

Let him crash and burn. Sometimes people need to learn the hard way

Its not that, I have problem retaining other girls, this one gave me a hard time.

I was able retain her till she was living near my proximity of 5 mins.

I could be very casual and I knew one day or another she will feel horny and come to me.

After gap of 1 and half month where she did not try to initate contact, when she went to her hometown, it got on my nerves.

Till I was playing cool, she was the one trying to say it was not casual.

(In my mind I knew, that she is saying that to, preserve in her mind her image of not being a slut, I can't think of any reason)

Because normally girls take interest in guys life, which she did not.

She never deleted her dating apps.

Sex with her never felt like doing out of love.

It was pure act of making her submit.

But she never developed that feeling of love for me.

Only her hormones spoke and nothing else.

 

[empath]

You should stop yourself and ask what is wrong with your behaviour , and see if you can find the answer.

This, from start to finish is textbook needy behaviour and a clear example of how not to retain a girl.

What do you think you’re doing wrong? let’s start there.

I have even tried to ask myself.

Its hard for me to let go of people I like.

I like certainity of things I am far more at peace knowing I won't see her again than of what if.

I wish there was a way to be more patient and play the long game.

But my obsession won.

 

[empath]

TLr is I have more of anxious attachment style in general.

However for romance, it is mix of high-anxiety and high-avoidance. Fearful avoidant.

Idk what to do with it?

Maybe work with anxiety first.

If I am with other insecure girl, I am dismissive but though I understand my anxiety I can run the relationship well.

Cause, I know exactly how they think.

In case of an avoidant I my anxiety is itself sky high so I lose self-control.

Anyway I am optimistic, you can always redo, re-write and re-learn


Details

I thought I will dig a deeper into attachment style as well.

Domain​	Anxiety Score​	Avoidance Score​
General	3.67​	1.5​
Your mother or mother-like figure	1​	3.83​
Your father or father-like figure	2.67​	2.83​
Your romantic partner	4.67​	3​
Your best friend	2.33​	2.17​

Interpretation

Your general attachment score is above the mean for anxiety, but below the mean for avoidance.

Maternal Attachment​

Your maternal attachment score is below the mean for anxiety, but above the mean for avoidance.

Paternal Attachment

Your paternal attachment score is above the mean for anxiety, but below the mean for avoidance.

Romantic

Your romantic attachment score is above the mean for both anxiety and avoidance. (Fearful avoidant)

Friend

Friend attachment score is above the mean for anxiety, but below the mean for avoidance.

 

[TomInHo]

Yeah I can tell you have more of an anxious attachment

It's very hard to fix outside of relationships because you need to learn how manage your emotions when you get triggered

So best way to go about it is to learn more about secure responses and practice them on partners, ideally one that is also secure because they tend to have a bit more patience if they really like you

But if you are too erratic they too can dump you because of your neediness

If you pair with someone that's avoidant it can be very painful and make it more difficult to change your attachment style

 

[empath]

Yeah I can tell you have more of an anxious attachment

It's very hard to fix outside of relationships because you need to learn how manage your emotions when you get triggered

So best way to go about it is to learn more about secure responses and practice them on partners, ideally one that is also secure because they tend to have a bit more patience if they really like you

But if you are too erratic they too can dump you because of your neediness

If you pair with someone that's avoidant it can be very painful and make it more difficult to change your attachment style

Thanks I will look into building more secure attachment style before diving into next relationship.

I have been kind of unlucky to date only either, anxious/insecure girls or avoidant girls.

I don't actually know how to identify a girl who is of secure attachment style.

Also, something to work on is obsessing over a particular girl.

Yeah but I'm myself not only anxious, it at the same time avoidant too.

If a girl is anxious = I run good relationship for short time, then get bored and she ends up being hurt.

If a girl is avoidant = this is the longest time I have been able to spend but ended up being spiralled at last.

I think I will do better next time.

 

[empath]

Even though ... I get it logically.

Emotionally, I cannot understand ... how can a girl be so ungrateful and forget good memories so easily.

 

[gameboy]

Even though ... I get it logically.

Emotionally, I cannot understand ... how can a girl be so ungrateful and forget good memories so easily.

Because you're being a dick over text.

Being an asshole might get you laid if she is into you, but once you're actually fucking her, you want to be a lot nicer if you want something serious with the girl.

 

[TomInHo]

Even though ... I get it logically.

Emotionally, I cannot understand ... how can a girl be so ungrateful and forget good memories so easily.

Because emotionally you are not secure

You only had sex 3 times. That's not a lot of memories and tbh I don't think this woman was avoidant at all

You acted like a jackass in the beginning of the relationship and then when she pulled away you started chasing like a needy puppy

That behavior is easily forgettable and she has no reason to be grateful

Most healthy women will dump a man that behaves that way. You need to learn how to actually act "normal"

So don't expect to get it "emotionally" until you learn how to face your emotional triggers in your next relationship(s)

 

[empath]

Because emotionally you are not secure

You only had sex 3 times. That's not a lot of memories and tbh I don't think this woman was avoidant at all

You acted like a jackass in the beginning of the relationship and then when she pulled away you started chasing like a needy puppy

That behavior is easily forgettable and she has no reason to be grateful

Most healthy women will dump a man that behaves that way. You need to learn how to actually act "normal"

So don't expect to get it "emotionally" until you learn how to face your emotional triggers in your next relationship(s)

Not 3 times bro.

I guess in total of 10 time at least or more. Over span of 2 -2.5 months. Also, out of those 8 times she slept with me overnight. There was at least 2 hours of post-coital talk, 2-3 hours of pre-coital talk. Focus being on her, deep-diving her childhood, dreams, family relationship, relationships etc.

I used to give her 3 orgasms minimum, atleast 30 mins of foreplay, made sex novel experience for her everytime.

Any other girl would be crazy for me by then.

She is the most strange case I have encountered till now.

Then there was a break of 1 month when she went to her home town.

Then things went bad, as she did not talked much, despite me putting efforts, In a good way.

Any normal guy would snap if this goes for him. Especially girl saying, checking for affirmation, we not being casual.

I checked with normal dudes, my reaction though a bit over the top (over the top only coz, we did not said to each other we are in relationship) seemed justified to them.

Avoidant Coz

She decided to lose her virginity to a guy, she will never again her reason being her heart getting broken, if its a loved one.

Her parents are separated.

Then her first serious relationship was with a abusive guy for 2 years still it was 2-3 years long.
still when that guy was in hospital she could not go and see him. Yet she kept keeping track of him.

When her second relationship, she broke up something minor too.

Optional
As per her she can confront over text only, not on call or in person

 

[empath]

Final update guys

i met her again.

Yes indeed she is an avoidant

she realised she had feelings for me while at home when she went on date with someone and was unable to flirt with the guy.

As soon as she realised she started avoiding me.

Then she tried to make a game out of me by ignoring me to see how angry I get.

Until I got very nasty and threw everything at her to hurt her to break her core.

When she finally realised she had feeling for me.

now after all this drama we met after 15-20 days.

i re-seduced her by not being needy and telling her all I did was in cold blood.

so here I am gents happy and high

 

[TomInHo]

Dope! You two are perfect for each other

Have fun

 

[empath]

Dope! You two are perfect for each other

Have fun

Well yeah it took crazy effort and I am still not sure if I love her or not but yeah a win is a win.

probably if it was any other girl and if I had done what I did to her she would have been left so broken.

so I like how strong she is.

idk man where this will go.

But I had to explicitly tell her I slept with other women.

Now even though she is happy about accepting her feelings for me.

she is not happy about the fact I slept with other women.

ikd how will I continue PUA while being with her.

Any tips to turn it into one sided monogamy?

Atleast to argue, how sleeping with a girl is not much of deal when emotions are not involved

and how she going on a date with a guy is equivalent to me sleeping with someone.

ofcourse she don’t know I do Pu otherwise what I say would make perfect sense

 

[TomInHo]

Bro please try to relax

You're way too focused on trying to turn this into a relationship. And that's what got you into this mess on the first place. It's way too needy

Your main focus right now should be on having fun with her and not trying to define things. To be honest you don't even really know this girl yet and you are just trying to lock her down to ease your anxiety and not per se because you are 100% certain she is the right girl for you

So let things get more consistent and stable between you two first, before you start thinking about relationships

Try your best to resist all relationship talk for at least 3 months and then if you feel like you guys are actually compatible by then you can let her know how you plan to run the relationship

Because you don't even know if you would want a serious relationship by then. You also have no idea what kind of relationship structure you will want

I've seen guys do "one-sided monogamy" then when I check up on them later they haven't banged a new girl in months because they don't feel the need to

But then they now have to deal with a weird dynamic where the girl thinks they still hooking up with other women and testing the guy because of it

So try not to define things until your emotions have calmed down a little and you're 100% sure about what you really want

Right now both of you should be more focused on having fun and getting to know each other

Slow down

 

[empath]

Bro please try to relax

You're way too focused on trying to turn this into a relationship. And that's what got you into this mess on the first place. It's way too needy

Your main focus right now should be on having fun with her and not trying to define things. To be honest you don't even really know this girl yet and you are just trying to lock her down to ease your anxiety and not per se because you are 100% certain she is the right girl for you

So let things get more consistent and stable between you two first, before you start thinking about relationships

Try your best to resist all relationship talk for at least 3 months and then if you feel like you guys are actually compatible by then you can let her know how you plan to run the relationship

Because you don't even know if you would want a serious relationship by then. You also have no idea what kind of relationship structure you will want

I've seen guys do "one-sided monogamy" then when I check up on them later they haven't banged a new girl in months because they don't feel the need to

But then they now have to deal with a weird dynamic where the girl thinks they still hooking up with other women and testing the guy because of it

So try not to define things before until your emotions have calmed down a little and you're 100% sure about what you really want

Right now both of you should be more focused on having fun and getting to know each other

Slow down

Ok I get it fair point.

Two 1 don’t know to be honest how to genuinely have fun.

Second, what if she brings relationship talk how should I handle it. Now that my masterstroke is out. She is very keen to discuss my hook-ups how were they.

though for now I told her they don’t matter.

Also, first she was not talking interest in my life, so I tried to telling her to take more interest cause she don’t know anything about me.

To get her invested and compliance.

I have always been with insecure girls in relationship who were willing to bend for me.

so this increases my anxiety further.

Also, emotionally I want relationship with her though rationally I don’t want because she is an avoidant so it will always be an uphill battle.

Also, I get your advice be less anxious with her.

Also, thanks for your support.

Your replies in this thread did help me to lock down her.

thanks everyone.

 

[TomInHo]

Ok I get it fair point.

Two 1 don’t know to be honest how to genuinely have fun.

If you don't know how to have fun then what's the point of a relationship then?

Maybe that's what you should learn how to do. Learn how to actually have fun with your women not give them rules and ultimatums because you want to soothe your insecurities

Second, what if she brings relationship talk how should I handle it. Now that my masterstroke is out. She is very keen to discuss my hook-ups how were they.

You tell her you 2 aren't there yet. Can bring up how she was inconsistent and you don't even know the real her yet

Can be honest and tell her you are open to something serious but only if things seem more stable between you two

Also, first she was not talking interest in my life, so I tried to telling her to take more interest cause she don’t know anything about me.

Again you and this overly controlling nonsense

You can't force her to take interest in your life. If after dating her for a while she takes no interest in getting to know you then is she actually GF material?

Proof you maybe be putting the cart before the horse

To get her invested and compliance.

I have always been with insecure girls in relationship who were willing to bend for me.

so this increases my anxiety further.

Good

You'll learn how to calm the fuck down and let girls get invested naturally then. If you keep showing up correctly and actually have a good time with her she will want to lock you down

But if you keep being needy and looking for reassurance for "what are we?" you will only push her away further

A girl like this is perfect for you to develop some emotional self control

Also, emotionally I want relationship with her though rationally I don’t want because she is an avoidant so it will always be an uphill battle.

Bro I'll be blunt

She is not avoidant. . . you are just very needy with her

Even if she is an avoidant you are not going to get anywhere if you keep being so damn pushy

With girls that are avoidant a lot of the relationship needs to be their idea. And you cannot force it by having talks, giving lectures or setting rules

They need to feel safe before they actually bond. And you being so needy is the opposite of the environment they need to feel safe

Also, I get your advice be less anxious with her.

Also, thanks for your support.

Your replies in this thread did help me to lock down her.

thanks everyone.

Remember that you were able to get her back by being cool. You also have not locked her down and both of you are still in limbo

Don't fuck it up by unloading your anxious energy on her

Try to find other ways to redirect that energy if you want to keep this woman in your life

 

[empath]

If you don't know how to have fun then what's the point of a relationship then?

Maybe that's what you should learn how to do. Learn how to actually have fun with your women not give them rules and ultimatums because you want to soothe your insecurities



You tell her you 2 aren't there yet. Can bring up how she was inconsistent and you don't even know the real her yet

Can be honest and tell her you are open to something serious but only if things seem more stable between you two



Again you and this overly controlling nonsense

You can't force her to take interest in your life. If after dating her for a while she takes no interest in getting to know you then is she actually GF material?

Proof you maybe be putting the cart before the horse



Good

You'll learn how to calm the fuck down and let girls get invested naturally then. If you keep showing up correctly and actually have a good time with her she will want to lock you down

But if you keep being needy and looking for reassurance for "what are we?" you will only push her away further

A girl like this is perfect for you to develop some emotional self control



Bro I'll be blunt

She is not avoidant. . . you are just very needy with her

Even if she is an avoidant you are not going to get anywhere if you keep being so damn pushy

With girls that are avoidant a lot of the relationship needs to be their idea. And you cannot force it by having talks, giving lectures or setting rules

They need to feel safe before they actually bond. And you being so needy is the opposite of the environment they need to feel safe



Remember that you were able to get her back by being cool. You also have not locked her down and both of you are still in limbo

Don't fuck it up by unloading your anxious energy on her

Try to find other ways to redirect that energy if you want to keep this woman in your life

I agree with everything you said.

Except she not being an avoidant.

why would she try to dismiss her feelings for me when she realised she had those.

she went to date with someone.

she realised she had feelings for me.

I was super chill by that time.

instead of sending a text or remembering me.

she shut down.

she herself agreed later, that if I would have directly confessed my feelings it was more likely for her to dismiss them.

yeah but I will be chill no need still as soon as things are sorted now.

I am anyways having itch to flirt with other women in pipeline which had died.

 

[TomInHo]

Feel free to label her whateva you like then, playa

Still won't change what you need to do to keep things smooth with her

I'm going to unwatch this thread because there really is nothing left to say

Wish you two the best of luck

 

[mirror]

I get it, and I tired to put more efforts but she pulled regardless.

I'm feeling like getting gamed by a male PUA using push and pull on me.

Idk how to do it. I just want her to become invested and commited to me like she was to prior boyfriends and then more.

Listening to her sexual history makes me think she is. She has done crazy lovey dovey shit for them, soo why not for me?

I want to crack it.

All vibes I am getting here are 'needy', more 'needy'.
It sounds like it is not about her anymore but about yourself.
Address it.
It has to be about both of you.
Take a break if you need it, but let it be real.

 

[mirror]

Bro please try and have fun. I get the vibe this is more about winning than actually having fun with a girl you like

And we have a WINNER @TomInHo !! Ding Ding Ding.

This is the core of what i am reading here happening, why she doesnt take you seriously @empath

I can't link you resources right now, but I think I am going to write a whole hellish post on it.