How to not get destroyed by failures?

[TrailBlazer]

It really stings when you know you should have done something, but you didn’t.

But it stings too much. I can’t think of anything else, often for days. The pain is too overwhelming.

I’ve been reading this forum for years, I’ve been approaching for years, girls are my only focus in life. And yet I still mess things up!

So I will assume that even the pros make mistakes sometimes - but I guess they don’t beat themselves up too much. How?

 

[Atlas IV]

So I will assume that even the pros make mistakes sometimes - but I guess they don’t beat themselves up too much. How?

In meditating on the fact that every mistake you make makes you a better seducer.

It's like a platformer videogame where each death teaches you a lesson. Nobody could beat Super Mario in a single run.

Just don't stop playing the game. And when you die, try to understand why you died so that next time you won't die in the same way. You won't always get the princess, but you'll get better and better at reaching the end.

 

[Atlas IV]

Also, GirlsChase is the strategy guide. They've already died a million times in a million different ways so that you don't have to. Read, learn, practice, repeat.

 

[Will_V]

It really stings when you know you should have done something, but you didn’t.

But it stings too much. I can’t think of anything else, often for days. The pain is too overwhelming.

I’ve been reading this forum for years, I’ve been approaching for years, girls are my only focus in life. And yet I still mess things up!

So I will assume that even the pros make mistakes sometimes - but I guess they don’t beat themselves up too much. How?

Everyone makes mistakes, all the time.

I don't know if there's one best way to look at things, but for me:
- I relish all the positive experiences I have, even when they're small
- I feel grateful at having the opportunity to try over and over again
- I try to respond with minimal emotion and maximum logic to failures
- I think of life as a story, every good story has profound failures and great successes, as long as the latter is there, the former only enhances it

As for women specifically, I try to not take them seriously, and just enjoy them and let them teach me their ways through myriad different experiences, good and bad. If you go to pet a kitten and you get scratched or she runs away, is it a big deal? It's still a memorable and enjoyable experience, she is still a delightful and fascinating creature. Perhaps you were careless in some way, but it's not something to get sore about.

 

[TrailBlazer]

As for women specifically, I try to not take them seriously, and just enjoy them and let them teach me their ways through myriad different experiences, good and bad.

Right, but I feel like women always find a way to show you the truth about where you lack. And that hurts a lot. It’s difficult to like them for this, or more despite it.

I didn’t start learning seduction to face my deepest darkest parts of me, I just wanted to learn a few tricks to get women. To quickly get what I need from them and go.

And the pain of failure shouldn’t be this strong, it’s literally destroying my life, like I don’t even work or study due to being in emotional torment basically all the time.

Also I think there comes a time where a lack of progress is just frustrating. I’ve been at this for almost 10 years now, approaching actively for 4, and I still miss a ton of chances, like 9/10.

I’m sure I’m improving, but I don’t want to improve. I don’t want to attract the kitten. I just want to take the kitten and go. I’m SO tired of becoming a high quality man just to get women. I literally don’t have the energy to eat some days, I can’t do all the gym and purpose and adventure stuff.

 

[TrailBlazer]

In meditating on the fact that every mistake you make makes you a better seducer.

It's like a platformer videogame where each death teaches you a lesson. Nobody could beat Super Mario in a single run.

Just don't stop playing the game. And when you die, try to understand why you died so that next time you won't die in the same way. You won't always get the princess, but you'll get better and better at reaching the end.

If the prize of winning the platformer game is a million dollars, then it can be compared in my case. To me, success with a woman is worth everything. When someone likes me, I can suddenly work, study, excercise.. my life is so much better.

And when I mess something up, I’m in emotional torment for days, I barely eat and can’t do anything.

So you can see the incentive to succeed is huge. Seduction is all I read about and do, and I’ve been doing this actively (as in, no other hobby than this, and thousands of approaches) for 4 years now.

One would imagine I would be a little more detached from the outcome or have some stable successes by now.

 

[Will_V]

Right, but I feel like women always find a way to show you the truth about where you lack. And that hurts a lot. It’s difficult to like them for this, or more despite it.

I didn’t start learning seduction to face my deepest darkest parts of me, I just wanted to learn a few tricks to get women. To quickly get what I need from them and go.

And the pain of failure shouldn’t be this strong, it’s literally destroying my life, like I don’t even work or study due to being in emotional torment basically all the time.

Also I think there comes a time where a lack of progress is just frustrating. I’ve been at this for almost 10 years now, approaching actively for 4, and I still miss a ton of chances, like 9/10.

I’m sure I’m improving, but I don’t want to improve. I don’t want to attract the kitten. I just want to take the kitten and go. I’m SO tired of becoming a high quality man just to get women. I literally don’t have the energy to eat some days, I can’t do all the gym and purpose and adventure stuff.

She Must Never Become Your Mission

I happened upon an article entitled “An Open Letter To My Future Wife: How I Plan To Make You Happy Every Day Of Your Life” earlier today, written without a doubt very sincerely to the author’s imagined future wife – here’s a short excerpt: “I promise to do my best to make you beam daily, so...

www.girlschase.com

 

[OldGuy]

I have found that women are almost as bad at showing you what you lack as they are at showing you what you have.

 

[isildur1]

everyone makes mistakes - i've f'ed it up with models , genuine high value women that couldve changed my life if i just took initiative slightly more i still think about some of my f ups 4-5 years after but really it happens to everyone- blow outs, shit dates, near misses are part of the process and anyone telling you otherwise is lying to you.

once youre a male 7/8 or above your mentality will be the most important thing in your game- your willingness to quickly move on from failures will be the most important determination of your success. Its ok to overthink and dwell on the past - every daygamer does it but you need to move on as much as it may hurt to.

 

[TrailBlazer]

everyone makes mistakes - i've f'ed it up with models , genuine high value women that couldve changed my life if i just took initiative slightly more i still think about some of my f ups 4-5 years after but really it happens to everyone- blow outs, shit dates, near misses are part of the process and anyone telling you otherwise is lying to you.

once youre a male 7/8 or above your mentality will be the most important thing in your game- your willingness to quickly move on from failures will be the most important determination of your success. It’s ok to overthink and dwell on the past - every daygamer does it but you need to move on as much as it may hurt to.

That sounds nice, but… if even the pros fail a lot, what makes a good seducer good then? Don’t the good ones fail less?

I’m not sure I would call someone who failed a ton of times a good seducer. It’s normal for humans to learn from mistakes, now even AI does it. So it’s just a stubborn person who never gave up. But I fail to see where the skill is. All I see is someone who learnt like anyone else. It’s impressive, yes, but also normal to achieve greatness after certain effort.

But then anyone with the patience could become good, and great seducers wouldn’t be “superhuman” anymore. But I don’t think that great seducers are normal guys like us.

And when you said you had these epic failures, I just couldn’t be proud of them or even accept them if I were you. When you think about how much could have been different, I also beat myself up about this. And so knowing all the things I messed up, I just know I will never be allowed to call myself “good”.

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

For the record, and maybe it helps you to know this TrailBlazer... I've ALWAYS had ups and downs associated to my pickup journey, too.

At my total peak in early 2011 I got 7 girls in a month from daygame cold approach, and they were all hot...

Then I moved to a different city and started over from scratch and had a day of rejections and felt like such a loser. Lol.

And a few days after that I picked up that chick from "Brazil's next top model" and Vision was there and saw the whole thing go down and was like "I like the way you run game man..." and I was like

It's all ego bullshit, and it's actually pretty useful to gain insight into some of the stuff the Asian philosophers and spiritual teachers were talking about.

It's also part of why I'm not really a proponent of solo daygame as the bread and butter anymore. I agree now with Mystery when he says it's bonus-rounds... better to build a solid social life.

 

[TrailBlazer]

For the record, and maybe it helps you to know this TrailBlazer... I've ALWAYS had ups and downs associated to my pickup journey, too.

At my total peak in early 2011 I got 7 girls in a month from daygame cold approach, and they were all hot...

Then I moved to a different city and started over from scratch and had a day of rejections and felt like such a loser. Lol.

Right, and that’s why I unfortunately don’t see these journeys as too special, I mean sure it’s amazing you achieved that, but anyone with the same dedication would.

What I’m wondering is, have your failures paralyzed you for days, where you couldn’t stop thinking about them and couldn’t even work?

Because due to the emotional instability from approaching, I was forced to drop out of uni and even quit my job. It was just too much.

What I’m trying to do is move on faster, and I’ve tried every single method from here to do that, and it still hurts too much. It’s like a break up feeling after every messed up seduction.

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

Oh wow that's another level of beating yourself up... worst I've had (for example after the day of rejections I just posted about) was I downloaded a movie, ordered a pizza and shut myself in my room for the rest of the day... then back on the horse as soon as I had recovered...

I find a good night of sleep hits the reset button.

Actually the PUA community has been talking about this for 25 years... after 3 sets you're warm and don't feel AA anymore, but that positive effect goes away the next day. Negative effects (such as that sting of rejection) also goes away. If it's really bad (like the first 3 sets in a row shut you down hard and you get deflated and go home), also resets overnight.

Just to clarify, these girls are randoms, right? You're not in love with them or crushing on them?

I mean can you elaborate on a couple of specific examples of what happened that destroyed you to the point of dropping out of university and quitting your job?

Maybe you have some deeper childhood traumas that get triggered unconsciously by these situations and that you may have to work through with some kind of therapy or personally I'm a huge proponent of Ayahuasca for that kind of thing.

 

[TrailBlazer]

Oh wow that's another level of beating yourself up... worst I've had (for example after the day of rejections I just posted about) was I downloaded a movie, ordered a pizza and shut myself in my room for the rest of the day... then back on the horse as soon as I had recovered...

I find a good night of sleep hits the reset button.

Actually the PUA community has been talking about this for 25 years... after 3 sets you're warm and don't feel AA anymore, but that positive effect goes away the next day. Negative effects (such as that sting of rejection) also goes away. If it's really bad (like the first 3 sets in a row shut you down hard and you get deflated and go home), also resets overnight.

Just to clarify, these girls are randoms, right? You're not in love with them or crushing on them?

I mean can you elaborate on a couple of specific examples of what happened that destroyed you to the point of dropping out of university and quitting your job?

Maybe you have some deeper childhood traumas that get triggered unconsciously by these situations and that you may have to work through with some kind of therapy or personally I'm a huge proponent of Ayahuasca for that kind of thing.

Nice, I would love to recover as fast as you.

You are right about the traumas, I’m in complex trauma focused therapy to heal that. It’s bad to have them but also I think they’re my biggest motivator to learn seduction (because I desperately need female validation). I think most great seducers have childhood traumas.

I left school because I figured I would have much higher success with random women on the street than in the college social circle. I was really bad back then, so it made sense to go and train outside.

And I left work (and unfortunately became homeless for a while) because I couldn’t focus on anything but the pain from the failures. Every girl I approach and it goes even remotely well, I attach to. And then I inevitably mess it up and it’s like I lost my parents or something all over again. In this context, approaching is probably retraumatising for me, but what can I do…

Concrete examples - had numerous girls home from dates who I couldn’t escalate with. Or girls who texted me and I thought about what to reply for days, eventually making them auto reject. It’s a cycle of hope-pain, hope-pain..

 

[AspiringStoic]

@TrailBlazer

Brother in all honesty without any intention to discourage you, I am saying this after look at your replies.

I dont think cold appraching is good for you. Not at the moment till you resolve some of your deeper issues.

This is not normal. I see how you write, no wonder girls are running away. Even reading just what you write is so fucking intense, I am sure girls sense it immediately and it rings alarm bells.

To get girls you gotta be chill, playful and treat it like a silly game. Your treating it like life and death and I think at the moment it is like that to you.

You cannot resolve such deep issues by making out or sleeping with a girl on a date. I really hope you get the adequate help you need, get to a better place mentally and then come back to approaching and seduction.

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

I agree that most (if not arguably all) great seducers have childhood traumas. I believe a completely emotionally and psychologically healthy adult male would pairbond with a woman by his mid 20s and start a family. And make that work for the long haul without divorce as well.

I think you're just going for too steep of a gradient here. Build up small wins, and then gradually build on those. Maybe this post will help:

Starting out.... Dating coaches, therapists, wings, mentors etc.

Hi GC community. I'm an incel and I want to finally break free of it. I've had many sad or bad experiences in the past and so I'd say that I don't have the most positive attitude. I could probably be described as bitter or resentful or at least miserable. I think that I definitely need the...

www.skilledseducer.com

 

[theReason]

had numerous girls home from dates who I couldn’t escalate with.

I’ve had a girl I just needed to close and I overthought it and got scared for reputation and it turned very bad for me. (link here)

Or girls who texted me and I thought about what to reply for days, eventually making them auto reject.

I do the opposite and am very scared about breaking momentum even a little when texting, ending up with some crazy stupid off-the-cuff replies that lose lays. (also a link)

Overall problem for me I guess is reputation management. Does it seem like for you that maybe you don’t care so much about sex with the girl or not, you just feel really scared for your reputation?

Maybe both problems (inability to act, and pain after the fact as regret) could be solved by convincing yourself that each approach is “your first approach ever,” each texting situation is “your first time in this situation ever,” each escalation situation “the first time I’ve ever gotten these kinds of signals from a girl before?” Because then you have no right to beat yourself up, and at the same time, you have an opportunity to be bold because, heck, you really don’t know, and even if the girl goes crazy on you with FRAs or some huge overreaction, it’s not like you’re some kind of repeat offender, this is your first time in this situation too…

 

[Chase]

@TrailBlazer,

There's a whole thread about how guys who are too heavily psychologically traumatized should not be approaching women / gaming first. They need to be going through trauma-releasing exercises first:

Body-oriented therapy and its application to PU

This post will deal with various therapies that go further than cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). You actually don't need to understand very much of the theory here to do the exercises, but I do provide a lot of theory as there are guys who are interested in a deeper understanding. I have...

www.skilledseducer.com

I would recommend you make that your focus for now, instead of repeatedly wrecking yourself again and again.

Rejection is a part of approaching women. You can't read her mind. You have no perfect window into how she will react to you. Even with pristine game you are not going to hit the mark with every girl. You will not seduce every resistant girl either.

If rejection is totally wrecking you, you need to fix that first before you throw yourself into the approach meat grinder!

-Chase

 

[Bill]

Don’t view it as a failure, view it as funny and part of an adventure.

 

[isildur1]

That sounds nice, but… if even the pros fail a lot, what makes a good seducer good then? Don’t the good ones fail less?

I’m not sure I would call someone who failed a ton of times a good seducer. It’s normal for humans to learn from mistakes, now even AI does it. So it’s just a stubborn person who never gave up. But I fail to see where the skill is. All I see is someone who learnt like anyone else. It’s impressive, yes, but also normal to achieve greatness after certain effort.

But then anyone with the patience could become good, and great seducers wouldn’t be “superhuman” anymore. But I don’t think that great seducers are normal guys like us.

And when you said you had these epic failures, I just couldn’t be proud of them or even accept them if I were you. When you think about how much could have been different, I also beat myself up about this. And so knowing all the things I messed up, I just know I will never be allowed to call myself “good”.

sounds like you're being too harsh on yourself and way too outcome dependent

and i think you're getting sucked into a perfectionism mindset or being manipulated by either lay reports or the marketing of the seduction community itself.

Pua is something with a high failure rate - its similar to sales , even the top pro salesmen only close 20-25 percent of prospects that are hot leads - in PUA for the best i've seen from cold approach theres still a tonne of rejection involved regardless of what level you reach hence why so many men quit because they can't take the heat - look how few people there are on this forum as an example , this is probably the best seduction forum left on the internet and its pretty empty relative to what the community was back in the 2010s - so yeah ALOT of men fail - i'd argue. 80 percent of daygamers barely make it to get a coffee day let alone a daygame lay .

Also from the "best" seducers" its very difficult really to tell how good anyone is when theres so much variance on data- you need to know the exact amount of approaches one does and you need to know how they do on their dates - without those exact details its very difficult to properly establish who's elite and who isn't

if you're so outcome dependant women will feel it and won't be into you regardless of whether theyre sexually attracted to you or not