I'm fukt

[the player of games]

I'm 42 close to 43 hardly had a girlfriend but people say i'm attractive. Tall and smart and successful now but slightly aspie probably. I have to figure out why I failed.

As someone who appreciates the importance of specificity and precision of language, I'm sure you will recognise the incongruence in this sentence.

What you are really saying, it seems to me, is;

1. I am attractive.
2. I am tall (important for girls but not essential but nonetheless it's an attribute you appear to value).
3. I am smart.
4. I am successful.
5. But I failed with women therefore I have failed.

This is normal dude. We always discount our successes because we have them and they are in the past. So all your needs are being met except for the need for sex and female affection. So you have failed in this area of your life so far. But that's probably because you haven't really given the amount of productive attention that you could have. Which is why you are now here, right?

42 is young, believe me. There's plenty of time for you to get what you want.

 

[archimedes]

I am a load bearer. Fixing leaks and not little ones putting people in hotels late at night fine fine fine holding career fine this is normal for man, not showing weakness, just doing what's necessary making the best decisions.

Hold frame hold frame.

Hold spine. I am a load bearer but I don't buckle much even when crazy happens around me. Wait for state to say not historic deal with stuff, working with people and their needs for business. I gotta drop one house. It's a loser but otherwise together things are good but hell if I can take a vacation -- and I have weeks I have to use in next 5 months

and other loads carried, the moral load of an ambiguous society, of no woman no see, invisibility, lack of community. I'm a column out there alone not part of a truss system with others. Load of memories when emotions. Loads of observations, of things that are unfortunate. I believe in having fun but I don't necessarily know how always

Loads of regret. Can't go back. Nevermore.. I have my lost Lenores

But I seek to transform, to overthrow, to come out on top and visible and playful and Zeus. I don't know

I don't know how things are going to end. Hope is always knocking at my door, hope and hope and nothing more ‍

I don't want a hope body, I don't want a hope spine. I want a clarity and conviction spine, an informed conviction. I want a path, not just ideas. I want to unload this bitch property

Of getting older no change even though feel like I've earned a lot.. you can't get if you're not seen. Load of games and lack of game (apparently). Sanity. I want a sanity spine and I don't mind holding load. I just want to get paid for it and get some support instead of supporting others and get some love and power but load itself is not terrible. I guess I was made for it compared to other people and I even want more if it's aligned and I'm rewarded for it but it sometimes doesn't feel aligned and I'm not seen ans that is a problem but there's personal, which I kinda signed up for, and social, which was dropped on me, which I have to deal with or repudiate

Old man with a young woman. That is what I desire to be because I can no longer be a young man with a young woman. There are some loads that I have to learn to bear, like giving two fucks about what anyone thinks even her own father if I meet someone. This feels twisted but whatever if respect is earned and I have done what I must then I guess I have to enforce my expectations but that's just looking ahead. I first have to meet again and make it go somewhere unlike prior times but I am willing and want to be able to bear certain loads.. for myself and others

 

[archimedes]

I had another insight about Minnesota and something that might pose an additional challenge for me here. I'm not about excuses and many people here may have no problem. I guess there are not a lot of people who come and go and pass through. THere are not a lot of outsiders so they say there is a bubble. People keep friends from high school. That being the case, two things are true that i never thought about. There are fewer singles. When i hit it off with someone, who is cute or flirty, i often find she has a boyfriend (despite flirting or being warm and friendly- which is the knife). This might be less true in other places of the country and world. minneapolis is strange and paradoxical. it is politically very leftist- and i don't care about politics one way or another as long as i can own private property and enjoy the culture, but socially it is very very conservative in my own words. People drive very very slow, they keep their idea of norms and values and don't change them, they don't say hi much in the street. Their favorite greeting is 'how are you, good'. "how are you, "good". I don't understand the point of that whole ritual exchahge. They are very very conservative when it comes to dating i think- in that most people who are attractive may be taken. Abby was different-- but i think she was on the spectrum or divergent as a highly inteligent person. i had such a good shot with her. She had a good family. I don't care about a woman's job but she had a good one which proves she can work. I always wake up regretting not claiming her. it would have been that easy i think.

The correlary to this is that if they are single they are seeking something long term- which is what i want or would like too but not under too much pressure or awkwardness, especially if she is marginal- on the older end of childbearing prime, has a past, or plays games. I care a lot about how gamey someone is. I care about their past but i don't think most have a huge past here and anyway i care more about whether they are testy or insecure. I could always smell that --- i think. i err on the side of caution and skepticism, i think way more than most people. They have to vibe clean and pure and honest and hopen. They can be shy and feminine. I love that but the minute they run game or powerplay scripts or refuse to meet me half way when the time is right - Elsa- i'm pulling back, because i have to. Elsa is a smoke show. we hit it off. i teased her, hard and we danced and stuff and it was on.. but i didn't know how to proceed. Anytime i asked someone out it was a kill switch like i just farted, even if i was getting good vibes, so i didn't know how to proceed so it became a week by week thing. i'd see her every couple weeks and i hate that pattern. It never went well for me although maybe it's the pattern minnesota expcts- the turtle seduction pattern or the patience pattern. I don't know- i never got good vibes from that but maybe it was the standard. Anyway after all the teasing, getting her interested in other weeks- i'm sure of it and when dancing another day i was thinking of escalating or how to escalate. I had things i could say. Very crudely "let's go out". or "i'm taking you out" or whatever. I know they were not in the best form but it was the general idea. I was therefore waiting for some kind of hunger for her or invitation. Her signal was silence. i was waiting for her heart to come out a little bit but she couldn't do that. She wanted me to go all the way in and get her, which i couldn't do. I don't really have the skill or desire. She's a smokeshow but around 30 but it was a very barbie girl energy. She's not superficial like barbie but it's that energy. I (think I) know what she was after- plausible deniability. That spirit of plausible deniability is strong in people here and in the entire country and the modern world, that spirit of limited liabiliity and non-culpability and while it's important to be smart, with your words and actions-- overall I hate that energy and i hate that that's what the basis of our society is now. So that was Elsa from a while ago but Abby was different. She did put herself out there and i knew her family and that's why i have regrets and dreams-- not just about her but she was a match, and then the last 2 or 3 years i could have been starting a famil and then have things to do with people on the weekend. She chose this other younger guy closer to her age when i was too slow but the joke's on her. she could have been married having kids by now which i think she wants. She was a good companion though. We started to lead climb together. Like someone said, the easist girls to get are those on the periphery of a friend group. that was her. it's so crazy how that pattern is true. Too much of a stranger or a friend and there is no love. That was true for abby.

Some women would be great to claim and take but the general minnesota pattern i realized is that since there is not a lot of transience, and the culture is conservative, if you find a nice girl and flirt with her or she flirts first, she probably has a boyfriend and if she doesn't, and likes you, she wants that rather than sexual playfulness which is good in theory but in practice can come with a lot of baggage and they come with a lot of quirks and strong inherited frame. Consider Jessica- the counter-example who i saw yesterday. She and i did stuff together several years ago for about a year- every sundays, watching game of thrones. She was a single mother and i didn't see us having a long term relationship but she was awesome. that being the case about her i didn't want to hurt her or lead her on in any way but she loved it, loved our time, needed it- as evidence by the fact she's always happy when she sees me, and she has a nice boyfriend now. if anything i worry about him and i will keep my lips sealed on what was done. It is awkward being that guy since i respect him and he's standup and there's that side of things too. Because of her I've got to experience different things that i haven't with other women- being the other guy before, and other fun things. She was fun. Why doesn't she fit the mold though for Minnesota? Of course not everyone is the same to begin with, but she is from a different state and found out yesterday she's part sicilian. Those things may factor in but the idea of her is that there is actually fun and no pressure.

i am planning to move and broaden myself. i don't like complaining. i feel somewhat tethered her with properties. i'm selling my 1 of several that bog me down, that takes far more than it gives. i have never sold a property before. i am selling this one, keeping the rest and going to learn how to systematize them, where they require minimal maintenance and then figure out how i can best get them managed. this is where i get to be smart and creative but this may take a year or so to do right. we'll see how it goes. i take things step by step. i have always been slow-- but perseverent, even stubborn, but long term yes i want to transcend this place. meanwhile i can travel and explore. I don't want to flee this place. I can't, but i want to transcend it and maybe have it give me several thou a month payout from my rent-seeking conduct. (rent-seeking is an economics term where a person tries to get paid adding no value-- and i say that tongue in cheeck). I do want to transcend this place and what could be next could maybe be global residence if i am smart- digital nomadry but i don't need that. i also like the idea of roots, a farmstead even somewhere and a family. that's a thing about me- i''ve always had a lot of often opposing ideas and i like them all but that's no problem. i prove i can invest. i stayed here so long both because i was building and because i thought the problem was i didn't stick things out and because i internalize problems more than others and blame myself or take resopnsibility, and because i hate to lose. i liketo leave as a winner, for the winner effect i guess, but it was instinctive. That explains many things. I'm not trying to just complain and make excuses. At least i hope not

Bottom line this morning i realized that even if a woman likes me here, they are likely to have a partner owing to the lack of flow of people in and out and if they like you and don't have someone, it may be more pressure. They may be low key demanding/expecting that, which can be good if the woman has manners and class and is down to earth and just let's herself be available to you (which is all i really want and need to operate)- a classic script- but in practice it can feel like pressure, games, contradictory expectations just in the mechanics of coupling, power games and so on. I don't speak for all men but if for me a woman is great and wants to be with me and likes me, literally just be down to earth, humble, and be yourself. you can be sarcastic, anything but no games, high trust or be honest about no trust. Don't think about woman other women think, or don't need social proof, and don't send mixed signals. those are off putting.

ps On my end, i don't like using people for sex who want a relationship and i don't do that--- yes... i maybe could have led women on, on the boyfriend front and slept with them and dumped them and broke their hearts. It turns out maybe if i dated more- i can be conservative if I suspect the woman is seeking a partner- if i gave people more a chance and was sexual more, maybe there would be no wake of regrets. maybe i would be happier and satisfied and maybe they would too, but i generally opt out of that. that is a risk i don't want to take for moral reasons though i realize maybe i have been way too conservative and should just see how things go. it is subtle vibes that i respond to. All this may make this culture drier for me. i knew about the manners and customs here but i didn't factor in these demographic dynamics until now. They didn't hit me until i was waking up. A city with more flow- inflow and outflow of people- will likely have more people that are easier to connect with. There might be more "positive turbulence" in the system versus stagnation or inertia

 

[archimedes]

I am posting back to back. i want to dump some some ideas out. i had other ideas waking up. I have gone back on no fap. i have done it on and off. neither seems morally better but this has a powerful effect in a way. strange and wonderous things happen- they really do - subtle things.

In sum, i want my body to fully come online, so i can be fully embodied and physicaly and mentally present in a place. I can even feel disembodied and dissassociated in the privacy of my own bed, and i feel this war in my body. I think Paul the apostle had a war. My war is not like his. There are moral dimensions i guess in mine too but he lost the war. he became disembodied. I am trying to become embodied. When you're embodied, you feel it. When not, not. I guess one can become disembodied by being too much in fantasy-- sexual or otherwise. one can be too much in the imagination too- even non sexually. one can be too much in morals and dogma and fairy tale but you can profess to believe those i think and still be embodied. Abstraction-- not necessarily. I would argue the more embodied you are, the more abstraction you can handle. I would argue all understanding and memory lives in the body because it was stored there correctly and mapped to the body. You feel a certain concept, even abstract algebra. Maybe it makes it harder, as you have cognitive load. I don't know. Losing or being defeated or bored can be disembodying i think. I think maybe there are three main things: 1. sexual desire, which focuses too much of the body in one spot 2. imagination and fantasy- dreams of getting rich and 3. pain and losing and boredom, which relate to number 2 because they have you daydreaming. I just took a float tank yesterday. When i daydreamed in high school in boring classes, i was somewhere else but when i was in the float tank i felt myself being pulled back together. It's the same mental act kind of, of the default mode network but for different reason in different context.

Power Inversion- this is what i need with women. Basically they have all the power-- for real, all bravado and frames aside, but they don't have to. This goes back to embodiment i think. The eyes are a danger to men. I was at starbucks yesterday working and there were a ton of students. It was full so you take what table you can get but i had gotten there early and i was planted in the corner, to get work done although i don't always chose the corner. there were these two I believe attractive women sat next to me, talked, and i think eventually started looking over or i sensed a vibe and lean in. I didn't even look at them to know if they were attractive or not. I think if i would have, it would have killed their fire and curiosity and i would have been branded lame. Instead, what i felt was charge, and recharge. They did the whole gambit of stuff in their conversation. It was girl talk but they were students and workers and attractive i think. i felt heat coming from them. I didn't look. if i would have darted my eyes, that probably would have been the end of it. As it was, power was reversing.

That is what i need, power reversal. I never want to chase, pursue, open a girl unless and until i feel in power or at least equality but even equality is risky because it can lead to power subordinacy. I never want that. It is evil. I like what i had yesterday. It also reminded me-- i need to make use of the proximity effect. The Proximity Effect is my friend and i need to use it. It is one dumb reason why community serves me and societies without communities hurt me. There is proximity. It is not the only thing. Reputation and status can help too-- and if i get on the wrong side of things it can hurt me but usually if i am at all embarrased or ashamed i pull away first. i have a personality that wants to be scratch- for whatever reason. I mean beyond reproach by and large. Authenticity and trustworthiness is my power but that only exists in community, not in a fragmented world and that also only exists if i self police or regulate. That's how i feel but these insights are from reflection. For me it is automatic. Other people operate differently. Communities have always been where i did best- if i didn't spoil the scene and i am realizing part of that is sheer proximity and if i go to busy places, that has part of the aspect of community. i can also get to know the baristas or whatever but even if i didn't, that first day, proximity itself works. I have more fun at a starbucks sitting next to women that i sense are beautiful, that i don't even look at than i do paying for something that is supposed to be fun, but it is worth noting that later a hugely obese woman sat next to me whose energy also leaked into my field and who also did a lot of talking on the phone. it's a lottery. if i could control or bias the outcome, that would be perfect.

I am made for community and proximity of younger people who don't have baggage, who have optimism, hope and good faith and good manners, but i am getting older. I am getting more of all the things a man should be, more confident, self aware, successful, embodied etc but getting older. i can't fish in crappy ponds. if the others- in those crappy ponds would meet me half way, things might be fine but it doesn't seem like they do and i don't want to take what little they got and break their heart and lead them astray if they are 35 or 40 and looking for something serious so it does seem like i have to be Leo like but for completely different reasons, from a completely different context. This is just what i'm finding. i didn't set this up. These are the emerging dynamics. Show me otherwise. I know I am straying into apologia territory and that is something i want to do less and less of. That is not a good place to be if you don't have to. One doesn't owe anyone anything. As Dan Pena says about business- i only want to stick to what's legal, moral and ethical but ethics have changed and ethics and morals are relative in so many ways. They got mad at the guy who wrote blurred lines Robin Thicke when ganster rap was way worse. even the rapper in his song had worse lines, and Robin was only calling out that blurred lines are a thing- the woman was making the lines blurred. The world has some crazy ethics. they say one's desire is innate- you are born with it, whether gay or straight, trans or whatever and you are only responsible for your conduct. I am all and only about consent but more than that- satisfaction. In fact my desire, if it's not just a quick casual random thing where both parties are satisfied) is to be the best, bring different things they have neve experienced, and find someone who grow a good big family with. The only people i don't necessarily care to satisfy are third parties. I know I am straying into apologia. I can't help it sometimes. Maybe this is a problem for me. Maybe this is me being too much in my head and not embodied, in my chest and elsewhere. I was coming alive in my chest this morning, or feeling the emotion and energy.

i was feeling a lot of emotion and energy (nerves) in my body lately on account of both no fap and some real estate drama i have been doing through- a chronic hassel at this one and only one of my properties, which i'm selling-- things i don't have closure on right now. Anyway long story short I'm feeling more nerves and emotions in my body. I say stoicism where stoicism is required- holding the load and transferring it property when and where you can, but being a man, outwardly, but stoicism NOT AS AN IDENTITY and also BE ABLE TO TAKE AND GET PLEASURE AND GIVE PLEASURE. Marcus Aurelius is not my hero. Wonder boy emperor was not my hero. He could bear load but he coudln't take or get pleasure. He couldn't enjoy his power. I am not big into cigars right now though maybe i will be but that's the idea. You need to be able to be stoic but you need to be able to experience pleasure, leaning back, smoking a cigar and maybe having tumbler of whiskey or whatever, maybe even getting a bf and it doesn't have to be cheap fornication. could be from your wife and mother of children. Point is what's the point of power if all your'e going to be is stoic? Power is not just about stocism. Plato was probalby single, in his abstractions like Newton. Aurelius was the groaning coping emperor, the archetype of that whose wife maybe cheated on him with a gladiator. Savonarola was the friar in Florence who ran the bonfire of the vanities (art and decadence and pleasure). Men can swing this way easily. There is something in the male psyche that does this type of thing (and can also be bad for the world) but i think women are mostly more embodied- are naturally more embodied-- and actually ironically some women i might do better with- abby or tatiana or whatever maybe less embodied, more awkward but trusting and curious and open and desirous, where i can lead them to their bodies. That might have been a reason. Perhaps they saw my relative embodiment. they were cute though. i wonder why they didn't open earlier. People, and women i think tend to open in a season. Some are like that, flowers that bloom and are available only for a brief time. Others like jessica are perennially good. As a man you can only control who you are- if that. I mean who controls anything? Self control is a highly recursive and reflexive concept and idea but you can't control other people or influence them unless they let you have influence and impact on them. If you get a girlfriend or a partner, then maybe you can. You can help them grow and develop into great people, inspire and guide and help transform them, if it is something they are open to.

Embodiment is great but at the end of the day, supposing someone is fully 100 percent embodied. it is still them versus the world. One needs to be integrated, assimiliated, positioned, connected-- otherwise stressors will keep coming. Oh yeah i had three concepts the other day, from the float tank:

1. embodiment
2. scaffolding-- this is important. church does this amazingly well, as well as universities. universities are just giant scaffolds that accomplish multiple things: education, fellowship, young adulthood launching, career starting, career providing for faculty and staff, an alma mater bond and community, networking etc. Universities and churches are the two biggest most broad scaffolding systems but also families are i guess too if you have the good fortune to be from a good family. My family had potential but failed. My immediate family that is. my broader family was great but they didn't cross over and give much direct paternal mentorship to me but now even younger cousins of me help me out a lot in specific areas as i them and we have good relations.
Scaffolding can mean what trains one up and helps them grow. That is, scaffolding can be vertical/developmental, growing a person from 5 to 15 or from apprentice to master craftsman, or it can be horizontal- connecting people, like how everyone can go into a church and it connects people, or it can be both, like university. This is making a lot of sense now. I missed family. i missed university for most purposes because i was sent or i chose to go to a stupid small liberal arts college that put me far away from where i needed to be to truly grow and fit in and discover. i have always been the explorer type and this was not that. it took 4 years of prime development time, it took confidence and a lot of money so family, college etc. i got church for a while. i am not a true believer in the dogma and fundamentalism although even some of the rituals like prayer and worship can be powerful in a psychological way independent of the dogma. i can see the reason and power in it. Scaffolding matters. Frats are scaffolds. They can kind of 'lend' people confidence and power. Networks are powerful and i never indended to be a loner or an individual. I always liked the idea of people and networks although i value freedom of thought and resonance so it has worked out that way unfortunately. [btw i am reading machiavelli's "the prince" finally. I just started and i go slow but long story short i'm not impressed with him, neither on the moral front- he's like it's ok to kill the family of your enemies or he's too casual about it- or on the intelligence front. "There are two types of blah blah..". It seems like he's BSing or taking himself too seriously. Surely Lorenzo has advisors and knows what he's doing and he probably ignored Niccolo's advice completely. Machiavelli perhaps might be neurodivergent. At least he was mostly a nobody in exile. Compare him to the actual Medicis, and the city of Florence itself with its guilt system and prosperity. Yeah no, i know people think it's cool to come back to him and to Nietzsche. I take the value i can from them but these types of 'profound and brilliant figures' are no longer that impressive to me. Schopenhauer is more interesting and authentic and stable but the Medicis as a family are impressive and i am studying them. Machiavelli is like a failed artist, versus a michaelangelo, who couldn't go quietly into the night, drafted a post and hit send.
Long story short- scaffolding is HUGE-- even if you have embodiment
3. Navigation- It is possible to overnavigate- which puts one too much in one's head, besides other things that do that too, fantasy perhaps but at the sametime some nagivation is required. Scaffolding can help with navigation and the type of scaffolding where there is a path laid out- apprentice to journeyman. then you don't have to think that much. Being an individual, one has to naviate all the time. What am i doing today, where is this leading me, blah blah, and also what do i say to her, when do i touch her blah blah. The latter requires more embodiment i think and less navigation or thinking but it is exhausting and there is a risk of too much, too little and too wrong or misguided or erroneous of navigation but these are the big three i think that are useful for living, loving and dating: navigation, scaffolding and embodiment. Interestingly i think babies have embodiment, they don't need navigation, their parents do it all for them although maybe sometimes poorly- feeding them crappy formula or whatever, and they have scaffolding although sometimes the bad type. As they grow and become conscious and develop their own mind-- and in america, the individual is emphasized, for good or ill, they have to figure out how to plug in (scaffolding) and navigate and stay embodied through the shocks and blocks and stay in touch wtih their spine... and not get in dopamine loops but seek the serotonin. i'm just digressing suddenly. Remember to breath and stay grounded. There is also a path dependence dynamic in many things. the more one has gone down one path, as a person or a city, the more likely they are to stay on that. that's why one should fight hard sometimes for the good positioning at the start of new things, if this principle applies. i just learned that idea yesterday.

So much of life is free or should be free (financially). One should be able to take embodiment from the air, and just have it, and just have inner power. even if jesus did not say this in these words as translated: "the kingdom of heaven is within you", and even though jesus maybe was just a carpenter and a nobody, the words as translated can still carry meaning- why can't we just access our power, when we can't access it? I guess becoming embodied is a process. that's all i can say about that. It's in your bones though, I think. I think also that truly being emobied (plus scaffolded or positioned--- and maybe not that many people in history have ever had it that good, i don't know, such that they could even rest in peace and pleasure), being thus embodied may be better than getting girls even but also might lead one to be able to get girls, especially if one is connected. It is about not flinching, or wincing, or darting ones eyes, or panicking, or tensing, or even over 'sensing'. it is about-- experiencing what i think they experience mostly on a day to day basis. i think they are very connected/scaffolded- with each other if no one else, i think they are very embodied- way more than men- they can feel their hips way more, and they dont have to nagivate. they like to be lead mostly, at least when it comes to dating, so they don't have that burden and they are used to guys leaning into them or otherwise sensing desire and interest from men. i got a little sample yesterday of what they feel on a day to day basis, and it was powerful, nay intoxicating and i want more of it. i want it to become the norm. it starts i think with deep embodiment but also connection and proximity and feeling like one belongs. one has to feel welcome, like one belongs. if one doesn't feel that, it is uphill, all the way. That has to be almost non-negotiable, a necessary if insufficient condition.

Maybe i don't know what i am talking about. I don't "get laid" that much in case anyone is wondering. i can be transparent about that, so maybe this is all nonsense i'm spouting. I also like a saying in the bible- "a bruised reed he will not break, a small flame he will not snuff out." I think that is how one has to start building their kingdom, not snuffing out the voices and ideas and feelings in the body and brain but nurturing them. Don't mock oneself. the idea and process of internalization is interesting to me. I might have to unpack that. what if we were born confident but just internalized our own gatekeepers? What if-- and how? One guy- HealthyGamer on youtube, who is really good, a practicing psychologist and i like him and his depth, said that confidence is not something you 'get'. rather, it's something you remove the blockers/clouds surrounding. in other words, we are all confidnet but it is buried. the key is removing the rubble. that is something worth pondering but i think the end goal and the feeling of confidence has to be embodiment, with sufficient scaffolding or connection in a good environment, and an ability to navigate enough

 

[Ratata]

I read through your frankly way too huge post. There's a lot in there, but I think you already see the main things.

escalation windows are real. I Don't get it but they exist. I'm amazed, Chase hits the nail on the head with so many things.

That's spot on! If you don't escalate sooner rather than later, the window slams shut. That's why so many of those “could've been” moments haunt you. Next time, treat IOIs (she invests, laughs, touches, asks you things) as your green light to move forward.

Or don't even look at it like that. If she ever wants to be alone with you, that's your cue. And you don't need IOIs for that. You just need compliance. IOIs are just the invitations, or rather lack of rejection, that you're looking for to go speak with someone. Compliance is what you seek during that conversation. And if you get it, increase it until you're alone with her. Get her to do more things for you, including going to new places with her. And then you escalate.

Until I get where there are a lot of women … I'm fukt because it's going to be an uphill battle.

This is the biggest thing holding you back. Numbers and logistics matter. When you led that church group you had opportunity everywhere. You just chased the wrong girl too long, that's all. Nothing to beat yourself up about. Rather, it's something to repeat, but now you know that you have to get her alone sooner.

So to fix it, just get back into environments like that, where women are naturally around you, and where they're actually relationship-minded. Church, meetups, dance, volunteering — places where women congregate and want connection.

I'm not afraid to approach or talk. I'm not that shy about talking to people.

That's a strength, right there! Now flip it: don't let scarcity push you to over-invest in one girl. Talk to everyone. Be the mayor. Stay warm and open, and let women come into your orbit. Abundance comes from logistics + escalation, not from waiting on one woman.

You're not f-ed. You just need to act where the odds are better.

And please learn the art of brevity. We don't need to know your entire psyche to be able to give you advice. Stick to the important parts. We're not here to read novels. (Well, I'm not, anyway...)

Edit: Oh, I realize I just answered the first of your many long posts... Anyway to your last post: you're right that “embodiment” and “proximity” matter. But don't let that insight trick you into just sitting there hoping women will notice your energy. Proximity without motion is fantasy. If a girl is close to you, then you open. If she's close to you twice in the same setting, then you have open her even more, or immediately use your worst opener on the ugliest girl in the bar. That's the rule! Otherwise you'll drift into passivity and call it “embodiment.”

You're also right about “scaffolding.” Church, uni-like groups, and regular hangouts are your best friends. They give you repetition, status, and proximity all at once. Pick two hubs and show up weekly—church group, a class/dance/fitness, and maybe a regular café slot. Be the mayor in those spaces. That way your embodiment has somewhere to go, and you won't have to over-navigate or overthink.

Keep at it!

 

[archimedes]

Changes and transformations are happening in me and i don't know where they will lead becuse you see i have been down this road before and became a cul de sac. It seems like everything just cycles but let's be progressive. that's my word for moving forward, not in loops. I am not fapping anymore-- and it is powerful. i started letting myself do it again i suppose a year and a half ago because i convinced myself that it didn't make a difference. it does. It's not the be all end all but if you're stuck-- i think it makes a difference. I can't articulate it- or i won't. You can try it and judge for yourself. That's not the source of the changes. that's one stream, but i'm not saying i'm optimistic. I need a lot of changes. It's high time.

I'm reading sex at dawn finally, too. that's opening up cracks in my worldview that i didn't know i had. not really world view as much as tuning and deep tuning. I'm only a chapter in so i can't vouch for what they say.. but here's the kicker.

I work remote and i found out you have to go where women are. You have to be where good women are. DUH!!! Fucking duh! But it's not just cute women dressed nice- that the nice guy worshipp as they were trained to per the guy who wrote the victorian frame of mind book. Between being nice or trying to smooth things out or trained to view women as nice while you're a jerk even, or view them as pure or view sex and love as linked- i don't know- what i am trying to say is you can physically go where there are women but be blind to their sexuality AND you can go where women are cute and dressed nice but for themselves not for love- where they are still uptight or gamey BUT what I am realizing is where i have gone there are women who are HOT and OPEN- and sexual vibing AS THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE-- THAT IS THE PROBLEM- AND I AM IN FRAME or getting there. I want to hurt the guy or whoever it was who coined the term creep. that guy did so much soul damage and psychological suppression, more than anyone.

I am trying to live the natural man. The bible says the natural man cannot receive things of the spirit but if those things come great but i think being closer to nature might be where spirit lives. that is why it is about being embodied. Yes, then get scaffolding- friends, all that and presence. Presence matters most -- i think of all things so you can get a woman in your frame and attract her into your field, but that is hard. Presence has not been easy. Men have been trained away from love and embodiment (mental as well as physical circumcision) and women have been trained too- to obsess about career but a strong frame and loving and gentle or playful man can pop them out IF THEY CAN SPARE THE TIME- but that's an art. Ars amatoria, one of the arti of Florentia: Arte dell’Amore..

I think it starts with embodiment and presence (and spine) but it also helps to have scaffolding but even moreso playfulness-- not so much anger and craziness. this is what i'm working through. it is not easy. nobody promised ease-- but in fact that's what i require. i don't want to do a seduction or conversation wtihout ease and the same applies if i get married- to my wife. wives don't suddenly become different than other women, otherwise why is there marital tension? That's a theme of the book Sex at Dawn, not that it's my new bible. i read everything critically-- and slowly.. the aim being to open myself and gain the ability to open others, even in this crazy fractured polarized (in a bad way) world. we want the world polarized, but in different dimensions- masculine and feminine not left and right. we need to do a 90 degree rotation. Those are so obviously control mechanisms, hacking human tendencies.

Anyway it starts with embodiment but i know women have a need to be met- and experience playfulness. younger women are easier, not because they are naive but because they are natural. they are already playful. Maye you go from playful to heat. Heat is hard to get to-- where it has a chance of manifesting- at least lately. There are many blockers.. many blockers in this world but heat and presence can perhaps burn one through. think of santino from the godfather. just do it, literally. i always thought a condom was an absolute must. the only sex ed my parents gave us was always wear a condom. they were like 'don't have sex blah blah'........................... but if you do.... wear a condom.

but i'm saying-- don't even wear a condom. or do it anway, if you don't have one around.
i know there are so many ways out - so many outs- plan b or even have the kid but i have a rule actually that i have kind of kept to after a scare. i don't want to (maybe i'll relax this maybe not) have intercourse with someone i wouldn't want to accidentally have a kid with. if i'd be fine accidentally having a kid with, let's go baby. That's a good plan. that's a good rubric or guardrail, ain't it? So who needs a condom? That's a barrier. So when you feel heat, why not just do it? I policed myself. I policed myself with guilt and fear- not even like one might think. that's how it hid. I didn't have any overt guilt or fear about sex-- only circumstantial- path and method guilt- like 'do i belong here', and 'am i worthy'. blocking the path is just as bad as cursing the object or prohibiting it. in many ways its worse because it makes one question one's moral worth and is torturous, and i still suffer that blockage and constriction. it's knot theory. i'm working on knot theory. i still want tension. we need tension but the positive tension.

Anyway here's what's crazy. Here's why today was good. The macro and the micro matter:

I went to a coffee shop near campus, where i had a good experience last friday. It's so crazy but i was at one table, small table and it wasn't that good. I do better when the place is packed and vibing because there are beauties WHO ARE ALSO INTELLIGENT!-- and in short shorts. honestly that's what things are supposed to be like. the world is supposed to be full of nymphs, right? It brings me sanity. now i only want to go where these exist. If i get one i get one, or two but even if i don't I feel better. It is sanity bringing. There are types of gaslighting that are non verbal-- things that disconnect, and there are things that connect. I was at this table and it wasn't that good for whatever reason and the table was small to work at so i moved to the other side and everything changed. i don't know but that subtle change changed everything. It's the space one exists in. It's location location location, micro and macro and work went well and maybe i'll go there tomorrow. You HAVE TO enjoy life. "Embrace the suck" they say- sure if it is a smart suck, that sets you up but even then it is more likely than not a trap. Be stoic when you must- there is a time and a place but don't go chasing it. Just do your duty when you are called. make a million and be free? That can work but it can also pull you deeper and deeper. Pleasure is wonderful. Pleasure and wisdom can go hand in hand. I seek wisdom too. contradictions? I don't think so.

The main location and the location (good seating) within the location changed everything. After a while i went to this other one. it is delightful being around babes. I have to do a sidebar. women are doing so well. they are doing better than men in these spaces- they really are. They have their shit together and are pursuing so many things at once. They have strong networks. I am not putting them on a pedestal or even saying they earned it all themsevles. The men are falling behind but that's just an observation or my opinion based on my observation. take from it what you will but women sometimes intimidate me with all they're doing and i freeze- and i'm not nobody.

Also i want to say i love the euphony, hearing good voices near me. sometimes i get stereo- a good conversation on one end and a good conversation on the other-- and i am happy just from that. I don't need a vaction when i do that and if i take a vacation i want it to be a good one.

I have stuff i need to work out of my brain. i am not there yet. i am not prematurely celebrating. two of my major problems are getting ahead of myself, and going on the other side, being the woman's imaginary advocate when i should stay on my side of the fence and let her be a big girl. The latter is a TERRIBLE habit. I have to work this stuff out so i don't have regrets, so i have fewer regrets in this life.. but i know the way involves more presence, more embodiment, and more playfulness cum heat cum crossover consumtion with or without condom. why so much fear? Fear of possibility. fear of love even, hot warm love. Crazy love warm love tupelo honey shit--- it's like pena's guy says- release the brakes, but the brakes are hard and that's why i read books like sex at dawn. i don't know what's true and i go over everything carefully but once an idea is unlocked it almost never locks up in the way it was before. it's about the spine, and tingling of the spine, at the very base. That's not dogma. that's my experience, with the body as my compass. I don't know if that muscle testing stuff is real. maybe maybe not but i can just sample my spine..

so you have to go where the women are. And stop projecting. that will get you in a hall of mirrors. i'm in a kind of labyrinth.. and projecting is the norm and will get you lost and looping. I think no fap might be good at popping one out of this. it forces the heat to burn through or something. Women probably want to be observed, and seen as sexual, and lusted after, and gazed at, with the right kind of gaze so that is what i am going for as well as good conversation but i need to build to heat. I still have to deal wtih many girls having boyfriend, age gap, all that time, busy schedules but if i can bring presence, that's a lot. that's the primal stuff. Limerance is real too. i was affected by it. i have a book on it, the original that i started and what it mentions is real, and i don't even regret it though it came at a cost... but a man can make a woman have that feeling. presence, and timing i feel like can beat everything, looks money all of it but i have to get there. i have had opportunities, some i was able to take and enjoy and others which i was blocked from for whatever reason. i hate those blockers. I want ways, not blockers. i want ways. i am going to go for ways.

Just being where they are is amazing because it's like 'that should be what's normal'- and to each their own but i don't think i'd like bilzerians girls- so he's not much competition for me. i like my type of girls. I want to be embodied and maybe i will work out someday like i used to and lift, but i don't need to now. embodiment comes from within first i'm finding. This is not about Dan- i think he is very embodied, more than almost anyone i would guess actually, but getting swole is not the same as getting embodied.

I've been starved. it's been an actual desert. women in uptown dress like crap, are dead in the face. that is a kind of gaslighting or disconnection energy that dulls the male soul. one has to be where they are alive and hot.. but it's not free. a man has to feed back heat to them i think, appropriately, playfully and then seriously. i haven't gotten there yet (in a while, in this context). Condoms are fine i guess. most of my sex has been with them but the problem with condoms or condom only sex is that you have to have them on hand.. and by the way they are not natural.. so that is fear based too kind of. fear fear fear. all i hear about is fear i am so tired of fear. fear is hell. but yeah hope to have a good time tomorrow, just being around good energy and actually alive women and nymphs.

Don't get in mental loops. It is always SOOOOO easy to get into another mental loop just as you were escaping one. it's like they don't let you out lol. One needs progression, not cycling. Take it slow. when in doubt, slow down. Sex is beautiful and wonderful- no ifs. i mean there are ifs but no need to think about them. I just think there are so many loops that turn on about it. it's almost like society installed something or the matthew effect is working or something. It's like people want to ration sex like diamonds or money even maybe. they want to ration it to get us spinning maybe. i don't know. maybe nobody is doing anything to us but ourselves.