I'm fukt

[the player of games]

I'm 42 close to 43 hardly had a girlfriend but people say i'm attractive. Tall and smart and successful now but slightly aspie probably. I have to figure out why I failed.

As someone who appreciates the importance of specificity and precision of language, I'm sure you will recognise the incongruence in this sentence.

What you are really saying, it seems to me, is;

1. I am attractive.
2. I am tall (important for girls but not essential but nonetheless it's an attribute you appear to value).
3. I am smart.
4. I am successful.
5. But I failed with women therefore I have failed.

This is normal dude. We always discount our successes because we have them and they are in the past. So all your needs are being met except for the need for sex and female affection. So you have failed in this area of your life so far. But that's probably because you haven't really given the amount of productive attention that you could have. Which is why you are now here, right?

42 is young, believe me. There's plenty of time for you to get what you want.

 

[archimedes]

I am a load bearer. Fixing leaks and not little ones putting people in hotels late at night fine fine fine holding career fine this is normal for man, not showing weakness, just doing what's necessary making the best decisions.

Hold frame hold frame.

Hold spine. I am a load bearer but I don't buckle much even when crazy happens around me. Wait for state to say not historic deal with stuff, working with people and their needs for business. I gotta drop one house. It's a loser but otherwise together things are good but hell if I can take a vacation -- and I have weeks I have to use in next 5 months

and other loads carried, the moral load of an ambiguous society, of no woman no see, invisibility, lack of community. I'm a column out there alone not part of a truss system with others. Load of memories when emotions. Loads of observations, of things that are unfortunate. I believe in having fun but I don't necessarily know how always

Loads of regret. Can't go back. Nevermore.. I have my lost Lenores

But I seek to transform, to overthrow, to come out on top and visible and playful and Zeus. I don't know

I don't know how things are going to end. Hope is always knocking at my door, hope and hope and nothing more ‍

I don't want a hope body, I don't want a hope spine. I want a clarity and conviction spine, an informed conviction. I want a path, not just ideas. I want to unload this bitch property

Of getting older no change even though feel like I've earned a lot.. you can't get if you're not seen. Load of games and lack of game (apparently). Sanity. I want a sanity spine and I don't mind holding load. I just want to get paid for it and get some support instead of supporting others and get some love and power but load itself is not terrible. I guess I was made for it compared to other people and I even want more if it's aligned and I'm rewarded for it but it sometimes doesn't feel aligned and I'm not seen ans that is a problem but there's personal, which I kinda signed up for, and social, which was dropped on me, which I have to deal with or repudiate

Old man with a young woman. That is what I desire to be because I can no longer be a young man with a young woman. There are some loads that I have to learn to bear, like giving two fucks about what anyone thinks even her own father if I meet someone. This feels twisted but whatever if respect is earned and I have done what I must then I guess I have to enforce my expectations but that's just looking ahead. I first have to meet again and make it go somewhere unlike prior times but I am willing and want to be able to bear certain loads.. for myself and others

 

[archimedes]

I had another insight about Minnesota and something that might pose an additional challenge for me here. I'm not about excuses and many people here may have no problem. I guess there are not a lot of people who come and go and pass through. THere are not a lot of outsiders so they say there is a bubble. People keep friends from high school. That being the case, two things are true that i never thought about. There are fewer singles. When i hit it off with someone, who is cute or flirty, i often find she has a boyfriend (despite flirting or being warm and friendly- which is the knife). This might be less true in other places of the country and world. minneapolis is strange and paradoxical. it is politically very leftist- and i don't care about politics one way or another as long as i can own private property and enjoy the culture, but socially it is very very conservative in my own words. People drive very very slow, they keep their idea of norms and values and don't change them, they don't say hi much in the street. Their favorite greeting is 'how are you, good'. "how are you, "good". I don't understand the point of that whole ritual exchahge. They are very very conservative when it comes to dating i think- in that most people who are attractive may be taken. Abby was different-- but i think she was on the spectrum or divergent as a highly inteligent person. i had such a good shot with her. She had a good family. I don't care about a woman's job but she had a good one which proves she can work. I always wake up regretting not claiming her. it would have been that easy i think.

The correlary to this is that if they are single they are seeking something long term- which is what i want or would like too but not under too much pressure or awkwardness, especially if she is marginal- on the older end of childbearing prime, has a past, or plays games. I care a lot about how gamey someone is. I care about their past but i don't think most have a huge past here and anyway i care more about whether they are testy or insecure. I could always smell that --- i think. i err on the side of caution and skepticism, i think way more than most people. They have to vibe clean and pure and honest and hopen. They can be shy and feminine. I love that but the minute they run game or powerplay scripts or refuse to meet me half way when the time is right - Elsa- i'm pulling back, because i have to. Elsa is a smoke show. we hit it off. i teased her, hard and we danced and stuff and it was on.. but i didn't know how to proceed. Anytime i asked someone out it was a kill switch like i just farted, even if i was getting good vibes, so i didn't know how to proceed so it became a week by week thing. i'd see her every couple weeks and i hate that pattern. It never went well for me although maybe it's the pattern minnesota expcts- the turtle seduction pattern or the patience pattern. I don't know- i never got good vibes from that but maybe it was the standard. Anyway after all the teasing, getting her interested in other weeks- i'm sure of it and when dancing another day i was thinking of escalating or how to escalate. I had things i could say. Very crudely "let's go out". or "i'm taking you out" or whatever. I know they were not in the best form but it was the general idea. I was therefore waiting for some kind of hunger for her or invitation. Her signal was silence. i was waiting for her heart to come out a little bit but she couldn't do that. She wanted me to go all the way in and get her, which i couldn't do. I don't really have the skill or desire. She's a smokeshow but around 30 but it was a very barbie girl energy. She's not superficial like barbie but it's that energy. I (think I) know what she was after- plausible deniability. That spirit of plausible deniability is strong in people here and in the entire country and the modern world, that spirit of limited liabiliity and non-culpability and while it's important to be smart, with your words and actions-- overall I hate that energy and i hate that that's what the basis of our society is now. So that was Elsa from a while ago but Abby was different. She did put herself out there and i knew her family and that's why i have regrets and dreams-- not just about her but she was a match, and then the last 2 or 3 years i could have been starting a famil and then have things to do with people on the weekend. She chose this other younger guy closer to her age when i was too slow but the joke's on her. she could have been married having kids by now which i think she wants. She was a good companion though. We started to lead climb together. Like someone said, the easist girls to get are those on the periphery of a friend group. that was her. it's so crazy how that pattern is true. Too much of a stranger or a friend and there is no love. That was true for abby.

Some women would be great to claim and take but the general minnesota pattern i realized is that since there is not a lot of transience, and the culture is conservative, if you find a nice girl and flirt with her or she flirts first, she probably has a boyfriend and if she doesn't, and likes you, she wants that rather than sexual playfulness which is good in theory but in practice can come with a lot of baggage and they come with a lot of quirks and strong inherited frame. Consider Jessica- the counter-example who i saw yesterday. She and i did stuff together several years ago for about a year- every sundays, watching game of thrones. She was a single mother and i didn't see us having a long term relationship but she was awesome. that being the case about her i didn't want to hurt her or lead her on in any way but she loved it, loved our time, needed it- as evidence by the fact she's always happy when she sees me, and she has a nice boyfriend now. if anything i worry about him and i will keep my lips sealed on what was done. It is awkward being that guy since i respect him and he's standup and there's that side of things too. Because of her I've got to experience different things that i haven't with other women- being the other guy before, and other fun things. She was fun. Why doesn't she fit the mold though for Minnesota? Of course not everyone is the same to begin with, but she is from a different state and found out yesterday she's part sicilian. Those things may factor in but the idea of her is that there is actually fun and no pressure.

i am planning to move and broaden myself. i don't like complaining. i feel somewhat tethered her with properties. i'm selling my 1 of several that bog me down, that takes far more than it gives. i have never sold a property before. i am selling this one, keeping the rest and going to learn how to systematize them, where they require minimal maintenance and then figure out how i can best get them managed. this is where i get to be smart and creative but this may take a year or so to do right. we'll see how it goes. i take things step by step. i have always been slow-- but perseverent, even stubborn, but long term yes i want to transcend this place. meanwhile i can travel and explore. I don't want to flee this place. I can't, but i want to transcend it and maybe have it give me several thou a month payout from my rent-seeking conduct. (rent-seeking is an economics term where a person tries to get paid adding no value-- and i say that tongue in cheeck). I do want to transcend this place and what could be next could maybe be global residence if i am smart- digital nomadry but i don't need that. i also like the idea of roots, a farmstead even somewhere and a family. that's a thing about me- i''ve always had a lot of often opposing ideas and i like them all but that's no problem. i prove i can invest. i stayed here so long both because i was building and because i thought the problem was i didn't stick things out and because i internalize problems more than others and blame myself or take resopnsibility, and because i hate to lose. i liketo leave as a winner, for the winner effect i guess, but it was instinctive. That explains many things. I'm not trying to just complain and make excuses. At least i hope not

Bottom line this morning i realized that even if a woman likes me here, they are likely to have a partner owing to the lack of flow of people in and out and if they like you and don't have someone, it may be more pressure. They may be low key demanding/expecting that, which can be good if the woman has manners and class and is down to earth and just let's herself be available to you (which is all i really want and need to operate)- a classic script- but in practice it can feel like pressure, games, contradictory expectations just in the mechanics of coupling, power games and so on. I don't speak for all men but if for me a woman is great and wants to be with me and likes me, literally just be down to earth, humble, and be yourself. you can be sarcastic, anything but no games, high trust or be honest about no trust. Don't think about woman other women think, or don't need social proof, and don't send mixed signals. those are off putting.

ps On my end, i don't like using people for sex who want a relationship and i don't do that--- yes... i maybe could have led women on, on the boyfriend front and slept with them and dumped them and broke their hearts. It turns out maybe if i dated more- i can be conservative if I suspect the woman is seeking a partner- if i gave people more a chance and was sexual more, maybe there would be no wake of regrets. maybe i would be happier and satisfied and maybe they would too, but i generally opt out of that. that is a risk i don't want to take for moral reasons though i realize maybe i have been way too conservative and should just see how things go. it is subtle vibes that i respond to. All this may make this culture drier for me. i knew about the manners and customs here but i didn't factor in these demographic dynamics until now. They didn't hit me until i was waking up. A city with more flow- inflow and outflow of people- will likely have more people that are easier to connect with. There might be more "positive turbulence" in the system versus stagnation or inertia

 

[archimedes]

I am posting back to back. i want to dump some some ideas out. i had other ideas waking up. I have gone back on no fap. i have done it on and off. neither seems morally better but this has a powerful effect in a way. strange and wonderous things happen- they really do - subtle things.

In sum, i want my body to fully come online, so i can be fully embodied and physicaly and mentally present in a place. I can even feel disembodied and dissassociated in the privacy of my own bed, and i feel this war in my body. I think Paul the apostle had a war. My war is not like his. There are moral dimensions i guess in mine too but he lost the war. he became disembodied. I am trying to become embodied. When you're embodied, you feel it. When not, not. I guess one can become disembodied by being too much in fantasy-- sexual or otherwise. one can be too much in the imagination too- even non sexually. one can be too much in morals and dogma and fairy tale but you can profess to believe those i think and still be embodied. Abstraction-- not necessarily. I would argue the more embodied you are, the more abstraction you can handle. I would argue all understanding and memory lives in the body because it was stored there correctly and mapped to the body. You feel a certain concept, even abstract algebra. Maybe it makes it harder, as you have cognitive load. I don't know. Losing or being defeated or bored can be disembodying i think. I think maybe there are three main things: 1. sexual desire, which focuses too much of the body in one spot 2. imagination and fantasy- dreams of getting rich and 3. pain and losing and boredom, which relate to number 2 because they have you daydreaming. I just took a float tank yesterday. When i daydreamed in high school in boring classes, i was somewhere else but when i was in the float tank i felt myself being pulled back together. It's the same mental act kind of, of the default mode network but for different reason in different context.

Power Inversion- this is what i need with women. Basically they have all the power-- for real, all bravado and frames aside, but they don't have to. This goes back to embodiment i think. The eyes are a danger to men. I was at starbucks yesterday working and there were a ton of students. It was full so you take what table you can get but i had gotten there early and i was planted in the corner, to get work done although i don't always chose the corner. there were these two I believe attractive women sat next to me, talked, and i think eventually started looking over or i sensed a vibe and lean in. I didn't even look at them to know if they were attractive or not. I think if i would have, it would have killed their fire and curiosity and i would have been branded lame. Instead, what i felt was charge, and recharge. They did the whole gambit of stuff in their conversation. It was girl talk but they were students and workers and attractive i think. i felt heat coming from them. I didn't look. if i would have darted my eyes, that probably would have been the end of it. As it was, power was reversing.

That is what i need, power reversal. I never want to chase, pursue, open a girl unless and until i feel in power or at least equality but even equality is risky because it can lead to power subordinacy. I never want that. It is evil. I like what i had yesterday. It also reminded me-- i need to make use of the proximity effect. The Proximity Effect is my friend and i need to use it. It is one dumb reason why community serves me and societies without communities hurt me. There is proximity. It is not the only thing. Reputation and status can help too-- and if i get on the wrong side of things it can hurt me but usually if i am at all embarrased or ashamed i pull away first. i have a personality that wants to be scratch- for whatever reason. I mean beyond reproach by and large. Authenticity and trustworthiness is my power but that only exists in community, not in a fragmented world and that also only exists if i self police or regulate. That's how i feel but these insights are from reflection. For me it is automatic. Other people operate differently. Communities have always been where i did best- if i didn't spoil the scene and i am realizing part of that is sheer proximity and if i go to busy places, that has part of the aspect of community. i can also get to know the baristas or whatever but even if i didn't, that first day, proximity itself works. I have more fun at a starbucks sitting next to women that i sense are beautiful, that i don't even look at than i do paying for something that is supposed to be fun, but it is worth noting that later a hugely obese woman sat next to me whose energy also leaked into my field and who also did a lot of talking on the phone. it's a lottery. if i could control or bias the outcome, that would be perfect.

I am made for community and proximity of younger people who don't have baggage, who have optimism, hope and good faith and good manners, but i am getting older. I am getting more of all the things a man should be, more confident, self aware, successful, embodied etc but getting older. i can't fish in crappy ponds. if the others- in those crappy ponds would meet me half way, things might be fine but it doesn't seem like they do and i don't want to take what little they got and break their heart and lead them astray if they are 35 or 40 and looking for something serious so it does seem like i have to be Leo like but for completely different reasons, from a completely different context. This is just what i'm finding. i didn't set this up. These are the emerging dynamics. Show me otherwise. I know I am straying into apologia territory and that is something i want to do less and less of. That is not a good place to be if you don't have to. One doesn't owe anyone anything. As Dan Pena says about business- i only want to stick to what's legal, moral and ethical but ethics have changed and ethics and morals are relative in so many ways. They got mad at the guy who wrote blurred lines Robin Thicke when ganster rap was way worse. even the rapper in his song had worse lines, and Robin was only calling out that blurred lines are a thing- the woman was making the lines blurred. The world has some crazy ethics. they say one's desire is innate- you are born with it, whether gay or straight, trans or whatever and you are only responsible for your conduct. I am all and only about consent but more than that- satisfaction. In fact my desire, if it's not just a quick casual random thing where both parties are satisfied) is to be the best, bring different things they have neve experienced, and find someone who grow a good big family with. The only people i don't necessarily care to satisfy are third parties. I know I am straying into apologia. I can't help it sometimes. Maybe this is a problem for me. Maybe this is me being too much in my head and not embodied, in my chest and elsewhere. I was coming alive in my chest this morning, or feeling the emotion and energy.

i was feeling a lot of emotion and energy (nerves) in my body lately on account of both no fap and some real estate drama i have been doing through- a chronic hassel at this one and only one of my properties, which i'm selling-- things i don't have closure on right now. Anyway long story short I'm feeling more nerves and emotions in my body. I say stoicism where stoicism is required- holding the load and transferring it property when and where you can, but being a man, outwardly, but stoicism NOT AS AN IDENTITY and also BE ABLE TO TAKE AND GET PLEASURE AND GIVE PLEASURE. Marcus Aurelius is not my hero. Wonder boy emperor was not my hero. He could bear load but he coudln't take or get pleasure. He couldn't enjoy his power. I am not big into cigars right now though maybe i will be but that's the idea. You need to be able to be stoic but you need to be able to experience pleasure, leaning back, smoking a cigar and maybe having tumbler of whiskey or whatever, maybe even getting a bf and it doesn't have to be cheap fornication. could be from your wife and mother of children. Point is what's the point of power if all your'e going to be is stoic? Power is not just about stocism. Plato was probalby single, in his abstractions like Newton. Aurelius was the groaning coping emperor, the archetype of that whose wife maybe cheated on him with a gladiator. Savonarola was the friar in Florence who ran the bonfire of the vanities (art and decadence and pleasure). Men can swing this way easily. There is something in the male psyche that does this type of thing (and can also be bad for the world) but i think women are mostly more embodied- are naturally more embodied-- and actually ironically some women i might do better with- abby or tatiana or whatever maybe less embodied, more awkward but trusting and curious and open and desirous, where i can lead them to their bodies. That might have been a reason. Perhaps they saw my relative embodiment. they were cute though. i wonder why they didn't open earlier. People, and women i think tend to open in a season. Some are like that, flowers that bloom and are available only for a brief time. Others like jessica are perennially good. As a man you can only control who you are- if that. I mean who controls anything? Self control is a highly recursive and reflexive concept and idea but you can't control other people or influence them unless they let you have influence and impact on them. If you get a girlfriend or a partner, then maybe you can. You can help them grow and develop into great people, inspire and guide and help transform them, if it is something they are open to.

Embodiment is great but at the end of the day, supposing someone is fully 100 percent embodied. it is still them versus the world. One needs to be integrated, assimiliated, positioned, connected-- otherwise stressors will keep coming. Oh yeah i had three concepts the other day, from the float tank:

1. embodiment
2. scaffolding-- this is important. church does this amazingly well, as well as universities. universities are just giant scaffolds that accomplish multiple things: education, fellowship, young adulthood launching, career starting, career providing for faculty and staff, an alma mater bond and community, networking etc. Universities and churches are the two biggest most broad scaffolding systems but also families are i guess too if you have the good fortune to be from a good family. My family had potential but failed. My immediate family that is. my broader family was great but they didn't cross over and give much direct paternal mentorship to me but now even younger cousins of me help me out a lot in specific areas as i them and we have good relations.
Scaffolding can mean what trains one up and helps them grow. That is, scaffolding can be vertical/developmental, growing a person from 5 to 15 or from apprentice to master craftsman, or it can be horizontal- connecting people, like how everyone can go into a church and it connects people, or it can be both, like university. This is making a lot of sense now. I missed family. i missed university for most purposes because i was sent or i chose to go to a stupid small liberal arts college that put me far away from where i needed to be to truly grow and fit in and discover. i have always been the explorer type and this was not that. it took 4 years of prime development time, it took confidence and a lot of money so family, college etc. i got church for a while. i am not a true believer in the dogma and fundamentalism although even some of the rituals like prayer and worship can be powerful in a psychological way independent of the dogma. i can see the reason and power in it. Scaffolding matters. Frats are scaffolds. They can kind of 'lend' people confidence and power. Networks are powerful and i never indended to be a loner or an individual. I always liked the idea of people and networks although i value freedom of thought and resonance so it has worked out that way unfortunately. [btw i am reading machiavelli's "the prince" finally. I just started and i go slow but long story short i'm not impressed with him, neither on the moral front- he's like it's ok to kill the family of your enemies or he's too casual about it- or on the intelligence front. "There are two types of blah blah..". It seems like he's BSing or taking himself too seriously. Surely Lorenzo has advisors and knows what he's doing and he probably ignored Niccolo's advice completely. Machiavelli perhaps might be neurodivergent. At least he was mostly a nobody in exile. Compare him to the actual Medicis, and the city of Florence itself with its guilt system and prosperity. Yeah no, i know people think it's cool to come back to him and to Nietzsche. I take the value i can from them but these types of 'profound and brilliant figures' are no longer that impressive to me. Schopenhauer is more interesting and authentic and stable but the Medicis as a family are impressive and i am studying them. Machiavelli is like a failed artist, versus a michaelangelo, who couldn't go quietly into the night, drafted a post and hit send.
Long story short- scaffolding is HUGE-- even if you have embodiment
3. Navigation- It is possible to overnavigate- which puts one too much in one's head, besides other things that do that too, fantasy perhaps but at the sametime some nagivation is required. Scaffolding can help with navigation and the type of scaffolding where there is a path laid out- apprentice to journeyman. then you don't have to think that much. Being an individual, one has to naviate all the time. What am i doing today, where is this leading me, blah blah, and also what do i say to her, when do i touch her blah blah. The latter requires more embodiment i think and less navigation or thinking but it is exhausting and there is a risk of too much, too little and too wrong or misguided or erroneous of navigation but these are the big three i think that are useful for living, loving and dating: navigation, scaffolding and embodiment. Interestingly i think babies have embodiment, they don't need navigation, their parents do it all for them although maybe sometimes poorly- feeding them crappy formula or whatever, and they have scaffolding although sometimes the bad type. As they grow and become conscious and develop their own mind-- and in america, the individual is emphasized, for good or ill, they have to figure out how to plug in (scaffolding) and navigate and stay embodied through the shocks and blocks and stay in touch wtih their spine... and not get in dopamine loops but seek the serotonin. i'm just digressing suddenly. Remember to breath and stay grounded. There is also a path dependence dynamic in many things. the more one has gone down one path, as a person or a city, the more likely they are to stay on that. that's why one should fight hard sometimes for the good positioning at the start of new things, if this principle applies. i just learned that idea yesterday.

So much of life is free or should be free (financially). One should be able to take embodiment from the air, and just have it, and just have inner power. even if jesus did not say this in these words as translated: "the kingdom of heaven is within you", and even though jesus maybe was just a carpenter and a nobody, the words as translated can still carry meaning- why can't we just access our power, when we can't access it? I guess becoming embodied is a process. that's all i can say about that. It's in your bones though, I think. I think also that truly being emobied (plus scaffolded or positioned--- and maybe not that many people in history have ever had it that good, i don't know, such that they could even rest in peace and pleasure), being thus embodied may be better than getting girls even but also might lead one to be able to get girls, especially if one is connected. It is about not flinching, or wincing, or darting ones eyes, or panicking, or tensing, or even over 'sensing'. it is about-- experiencing what i think they experience mostly on a day to day basis. i think they are very connected/scaffolded- with each other if no one else, i think they are very embodied- way more than men- they can feel their hips way more, and they dont have to nagivate. they like to be lead mostly, at least when it comes to dating, so they don't have that burden and they are used to guys leaning into them or otherwise sensing desire and interest from men. i got a little sample yesterday of what they feel on a day to day basis, and it was powerful, nay intoxicating and i want more of it. i want it to become the norm. it starts i think with deep embodiment but also connection and proximity and feeling like one belongs. one has to feel welcome, like one belongs. if one doesn't feel that, it is uphill, all the way. That has to be almost non-negotiable, a necessary if insufficient condition.

Maybe i don't know what i am talking about. I don't "get laid" that much in case anyone is wondering. i can be transparent about that, so maybe this is all nonsense i'm spouting. I also like a saying in the bible- "a bruised reed he will not break, a small flame he will not snuff out." I think that is how one has to start building their kingdom, not snuffing out the voices and ideas and feelings in the body and brain but nurturing them. Don't mock oneself. the idea and process of internalization is interesting to me. I might have to unpack that. what if we were born confident but just internalized our own gatekeepers? What if-- and how? One guy- HealthyGamer on youtube, who is really good, a practicing psychologist and i like him and his depth, said that confidence is not something you 'get'. rather, it's something you remove the blockers/clouds surrounding. in other words, we are all confidnet but it is buried. the key is removing the rubble. that is something worth pondering but i think the end goal and the feeling of confidence has to be embodiment, with sufficient scaffolding or connection in a good environment, and an ability to navigate enough

 

[Ratata]

I read through your frankly way too huge post. There's a lot in there, but I think you already see the main things.

escalation windows are real. I Don't get it but they exist. I'm amazed, Chase hits the nail on the head with so many things.

That's spot on! If you don't escalate sooner rather than later, the window slams shut. That's why so many of those “could've been” moments haunt you. Next time, treat IOIs (she invests, laughs, touches, asks you things) as your green light to move forward.

Or don't even look at it like that. If she ever wants to be alone with you, that's your cue. And you don't need IOIs for that. You just need compliance. IOIs are just the invitations, or rather lack of rejection, that you're looking for to go speak with someone. Compliance is what you seek during that conversation. And if you get it, increase it until you're alone with her. Get her to do more things for you, including going to new places with her. And then you escalate.

Until I get where there are a lot of women … I'm fukt because it's going to be an uphill battle.

This is the biggest thing holding you back. Numbers and logistics matter. When you led that church group you had opportunity everywhere. You just chased the wrong girl too long, that's all. Nothing to beat yourself up about. Rather, it's something to repeat, but now you know that you have to get her alone sooner.

So to fix it, just get back into environments like that, where women are naturally around you, and where they're actually relationship-minded. Church, meetups, dance, volunteering — places where women congregate and want connection.

I'm not afraid to approach or talk. I'm not that shy about talking to people.

That's a strength, right there! Now flip it: don't let scarcity push you to over-invest in one girl. Talk to everyone. Be the mayor. Stay warm and open, and let women come into your orbit. Abundance comes from logistics + escalation, not from waiting on one woman.

You're not f-ed. You just need to act where the odds are better.

And please learn the art of brevity. We don't need to know your entire psyche to be able to give you advice. Stick to the important parts. We're not here to read novels. (Well, I'm not, anyway...)

Edit: Oh, I realize I just answered the first of your many long posts... Anyway to your last post: you're right that “embodiment” and “proximity” matter. But don't let that insight trick you into just sitting there hoping women will notice your energy. Proximity without motion is fantasy. If a girl is close to you, then you open. If she's close to you twice in the same setting, then you have open her even more, or immediately use your worst opener on the ugliest girl in the bar. That's the rule! Otherwise you'll drift into passivity and call it “embodiment.”

You're also right about “scaffolding.” Church, uni-like groups, and regular hangouts are your best friends. They give you repetition, status, and proximity all at once. Pick two hubs and show up weekly—church group, a class/dance/fitness, and maybe a regular café slot. Be the mayor in those spaces. That way your embodiment has somewhere to go, and you won't have to over-navigate or overthink.

Keep at it!

 

[archimedes]

Changes and transformations are happening in me and i don't know where they will lead becuse you see i have been down this road before and became a cul de sac. It seems like everything just cycles but let's be progressive. that's my word for moving forward, not in loops. I am not fapping anymore-- and it is powerful. i started letting myself do it again i suppose a year and a half ago because i convinced myself that it didn't make a difference. it does. It's not the be all end all but if you're stuck-- i think it makes a difference. I can't articulate it- or i won't. You can try it and judge for yourself. That's not the source of the changes. that's one stream, but i'm not saying i'm optimistic. I need a lot of changes. It's high time.

I'm reading sex at dawn finally, too. that's opening up cracks in my worldview that i didn't know i had. not really world view as much as tuning and deep tuning. I'm only a chapter in so i can't vouch for what they say.. but here's the kicker.

I work remote and i found out you have to go where women are. You have to be where good women are. DUH!!! Fucking duh! But it's not just cute women dressed nice- that the nice guy worshipp as they were trained to per the guy who wrote the victorian frame of mind book. Between being nice or trying to smooth things out or trained to view women as nice while you're a jerk even, or view them as pure or view sex and love as linked- i don't know- what i am trying to say is you can physically go where there are women but be blind to their sexuality AND you can go where women are cute and dressed nice but for themselves not for love- where they are still uptight or gamey BUT what I am realizing is where i have gone there are women who are HOT and OPEN- and sexual vibing AS THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE-- THAT IS THE PROBLEM- AND I AM IN FRAME or getting there. I want to hurt the guy or whoever it was who coined the term creep. that guy did so much soul damage and psychological suppression, more than anyone.

I am trying to live the natural man. The bible says the natural man cannot receive things of the spirit but if those things come great but i think being closer to nature might be where spirit lives. that is why it is about being embodied. Yes, then get scaffolding- friends, all that and presence. Presence matters most -- i think of all things so you can get a woman in your frame and attract her into your field, but that is hard. Presence has not been easy. Men have been trained away from love and embodiment (mental as well as physical circumcision) and women have been trained too- to obsess about career but a strong frame and loving and gentle or playful man can pop them out IF THEY CAN SPARE THE TIME- but that's an art. Ars amatoria, one of the arti of Florentia: Arte dell’Amore..

I think it starts with embodiment and presence (and spine) but it also helps to have scaffolding but even moreso playfulness-- not so much anger and craziness. this is what i'm working through. it is not easy. nobody promised ease-- but in fact that's what i require. i don't want to do a seduction or conversation wtihout ease and the same applies if i get married- to my wife. wives don't suddenly become different than other women, otherwise why is there marital tension? That's a theme of the book Sex at Dawn, not that it's my new bible. i read everything critically-- and slowly.. the aim being to open myself and gain the ability to open others, even in this crazy fractured polarized (in a bad way) world. we want the world polarized, but in different dimensions- masculine and feminine not left and right. we need to do a 90 degree rotation. Those are so obviously control mechanisms, hacking human tendencies.

Anyway it starts with embodiment but i know women have a need to be met- and experience playfulness. younger women are easier, not because they are naive but because they are natural. they are already playful. Maye you go from playful to heat. Heat is hard to get to-- where it has a chance of manifesting- at least lately. There are many blockers.. many blockers in this world but heat and presence can perhaps burn one through. think of santino from the godfather. just do it, literally. i always thought a condom was an absolute must. the only sex ed my parents gave us was always wear a condom. they were like 'don't have sex blah blah'........................... but if you do.... wear a condom.

but i'm saying-- don't even wear a condom. or do it anway, if you don't have one around.
i know there are so many ways out - so many outs- plan b or even have the kid but i have a rule actually that i have kind of kept to after a scare. i don't want to (maybe i'll relax this maybe not) have intercourse with someone i wouldn't want to accidentally have a kid with. if i'd be fine accidentally having a kid with, let's go baby. That's a good plan. that's a good rubric or guardrail, ain't it? So who needs a condom? That's a barrier. So when you feel heat, why not just do it? I policed myself. I policed myself with guilt and fear- not even like one might think. that's how it hid. I didn't have any overt guilt or fear about sex-- only circumstantial- path and method guilt- like 'do i belong here', and 'am i worthy'. blocking the path is just as bad as cursing the object or prohibiting it. in many ways its worse because it makes one question one's moral worth and is torturous, and i still suffer that blockage and constriction. it's knot theory. i'm working on knot theory. i still want tension. we need tension but the positive tension.

Anyway here's what's crazy. Here's why today was good. The macro and the micro matter:

I went to a coffee shop near campus, where i had a good experience last friday. It's so crazy but i was at one table, small table and it wasn't that good. I do better when the place is packed and vibing because there are beauties WHO ARE ALSO INTELLIGENT!-- and in short shorts. honestly that's what things are supposed to be like. the world is supposed to be full of nymphs, right? It brings me sanity. now i only want to go where these exist. If i get one i get one, or two but even if i don't I feel better. It is sanity bringing. There are types of gaslighting that are non verbal-- things that disconnect, and there are things that connect. I was at this table and it wasn't that good for whatever reason and the table was small to work at so i moved to the other side and everything changed. i don't know but that subtle change changed everything. It's the space one exists in. It's location location location, micro and macro and work went well and maybe i'll go there tomorrow. You HAVE TO enjoy life. "Embrace the suck" they say- sure if it is a smart suck, that sets you up but even then it is more likely than not a trap. Be stoic when you must- there is a time and a place but don't go chasing it. Just do your duty when you are called. make a million and be free? That can work but it can also pull you deeper and deeper. Pleasure is wonderful. Pleasure and wisdom can go hand in hand. I seek wisdom too. contradictions? I don't think so.

The main location and the location (good seating) within the location changed everything. After a while i went to this other one. it is delightful being around babes. I have to do a sidebar. women are doing so well. they are doing better than men in these spaces- they really are. They have their shit together and are pursuing so many things at once. They have strong networks. I am not putting them on a pedestal or even saying they earned it all themsevles. The men are falling behind but that's just an observation or my opinion based on my observation. take from it what you will but women sometimes intimidate me with all they're doing and i freeze- and i'm not nobody.

Also i want to say i love the euphony, hearing good voices near me. sometimes i get stereo- a good conversation on one end and a good conversation on the other-- and i am happy just from that. I don't need a vaction when i do that and if i take a vacation i want it to be a good one.

I have stuff i need to work out of my brain. i am not there yet. i am not prematurely celebrating. two of my major problems are getting ahead of myself, and going on the other side, being the woman's imaginary advocate when i should stay on my side of the fence and let her be a big girl. The latter is a TERRIBLE habit. I have to work this stuff out so i don't have regrets, so i have fewer regrets in this life.. but i know the way involves more presence, more embodiment, and more playfulness cum heat cum crossover consumtion with or without condom. why so much fear? Fear of possibility. fear of love even, hot warm love. Crazy love warm love tupelo honey shit--- it's like pena's guy says- release the brakes, but the brakes are hard and that's why i read books like sex at dawn. i don't know what's true and i go over everything carefully but once an idea is unlocked it almost never locks up in the way it was before. it's about the spine, and tingling of the spine, at the very base. That's not dogma. that's my experience, with the body as my compass. I don't know if that muscle testing stuff is real. maybe maybe not but i can just sample my spine..

so you have to go where the women are. And stop projecting. that will get you in a hall of mirrors. i'm in a kind of labyrinth.. and projecting is the norm and will get you lost and looping. I think no fap might be good at popping one out of this. it forces the heat to burn through or something. Women probably want to be observed, and seen as sexual, and lusted after, and gazed at, with the right kind of gaze so that is what i am going for as well as good conversation but i need to build to heat. I still have to deal wtih many girls having boyfriend, age gap, all that time, busy schedules but if i can bring presence, that's a lot. that's the primal stuff. Limerance is real too. i was affected by it. i have a book on it, the original that i started and what it mentions is real, and i don't even regret it though it came at a cost... but a man can make a woman have that feeling. presence, and timing i feel like can beat everything, looks money all of it but i have to get there. i have had opportunities, some i was able to take and enjoy and others which i was blocked from for whatever reason. i hate those blockers. I want ways, not blockers. i want ways. i am going to go for ways.

Just being where they are is amazing because it's like 'that should be what's normal'- and to each their own but i don't think i'd like bilzerians girls- so he's not much competition for me. i like my type of girls. I want to be embodied and maybe i will work out someday like i used to and lift, but i don't need to now. embodiment comes from within first i'm finding. This is not about Dan- i think he is very embodied, more than almost anyone i would guess actually, but getting swole is not the same as getting embodied.

I've been starved. it's been an actual desert. women in uptown dress like crap, are dead in the face. that is a kind of gaslighting or disconnection energy that dulls the male soul. one has to be where they are alive and hot.. but it's not free. a man has to feed back heat to them i think, appropriately, playfully and then seriously. i haven't gotten there yet (in a while, in this context). Condoms are fine i guess. most of my sex has been with them but the problem with condoms or condom only sex is that you have to have them on hand.. and by the way they are not natural.. so that is fear based too kind of. fear fear fear. all i hear about is fear i am so tired of fear. fear is hell. but yeah hope to have a good time tomorrow, just being around good energy and actually alive women and nymphs.

Don't get in mental loops. It is always SOOOOO easy to get into another mental loop just as you were escaping one. it's like they don't let you out lol. One needs progression, not cycling. Take it slow. when in doubt, slow down. Sex is beautiful and wonderful- no ifs. i mean there are ifs but no need to think about them. I just think there are so many loops that turn on about it. it's almost like society installed something or the matthew effect is working or something. It's like people want to ration sex like diamonds or money even maybe. they want to ration it to get us spinning maybe. i don't know. maybe nobody is doing anything to us but ourselves.

 

[archimedes]

Delusions and Paradoxes

I need to post because i need to think. It's friday evening, sept the weather is nice i wish i could enjoy it. I am early 40s. I should be married. My life is so together otherwise. It's like a freight train coming that i've seen for a long while and i've had chances. Right now I don't have much community or "scaffolding"- in terms of regular meetup groups- even though we evolved to live in tribes and share food.

I wasted chances but there are surely reasons i wasted chances. My thinking is we have to be clear about things otherwise we won't learn. We have to differentiate and distinguish. I take action. I dno't want to take action that seems like it has a low probability of success and puts me in loops. That is crazy making but i'm going to a french event i was invited to tomorrow and then going to the ren fest with an older friend (the french lady) nothing romantic but she's cool and i like to be social with the right people and that can be a way to meet people.

Networking is everything and i am not doing great at it right now-- excuses excuses.

I know many of the principles but it's---- i almost said it's hard but i don't want to say that unless i'm really thinking and really serious. I haven't applied the principles enough- like networking. I am sure there are reasons. As I write and think I feel my spine and body and i use it as a compass. If I sense i'm bullshitting myself i will go back.

Earlier in bed as i was digesting a steak (I could have been out and about but i have literally nowhere in mind to go) I started to feel some mental silence-- which is a good thing. I don't think I feel that enough. I"m not talking about doing nothing. I'm talking about when the mind becomes silent. That's only happened a few times in my life. I hold out for more powers.

That brings me to what I am thinking.

Delusions - I think maybe everyone is sorely deluded about many things. Their minds are playing with themselves. I think that's what the etymology comes from. I delude myself into thinking there's time- when i have a chance, or that i can do better, or that i have to do better, because in the old model i'm stuck with a person for life, or i lose honor or something. I don't know. residuals. I think there's a lot of delusions- that i could make a billion dollars some day. Those who do have many things going for them, including very strong networks but money is truly not even everything. I truly want gifts and powers of the spirit - not a religious thing but psychological gifts-- but rubber meets the road that only works or means anything when you have love and women, right-- but that's not enough either. i want a full life and this is a critical piece but not the whole pie. I think both of these things are true.

I just think that delusions are maybe a normal thing. I guess maybe the problem is when a delusion becomes a blocker of something important in life.

I think i'm in a low feedback context.

Oh btw i'm reading a powerful mind changing book-- you all probalby konw about- Sex at Dawn. I am just a quarter through but it's mind changing. I didn't know much about primatology or anthropology or prehistory but i am getting into that too as well as the specifics. I don't know if I will believe everything uncritically -- maybe we are like both chimps and bonobos- or some blend, and i don't particularily want to share women- especially not the one's i'm investing in, but it changes how i view things on a deep level.

So if women are more sexual, why are they so snappy and guarded and gasligthy? That may be two things- obviously it's their survival and defense. So much of human behavior is cultural. I am sure of that. We are so domesticate and there are so many systems over us- every since the agricultrual revolution and then the industrial and then the tech and it just gets more and more and more, and also this place Minnesota i think is nasty for truth and spirit and freedom or even just being down to earth. i'll take anything else- direct but rude. i'll take it. laid back californian. i'll take it. canadian really truly nice, i'll take it. This blend here sucks but there are better pockets but you see the paradox- women are so sexual and not even necessarily that discriminating in the tribal societies per the book and so but yet here they are full on moralizing and avoidant (by default, not just me but in general) but i know it's based on safety, indireclty on culture and on trust and connection and feelings. I know I know but this is a kind of paradox otherwise. it's a paradox but it has an answer- we're the most sexualized species of animals almost anywhere- and yet there is so much dry- and it's not just about sex. romance, connection-- all of that. Even breaking bread together or eating meat together- we used to share that in groups and i don't want an orgie or anything but communal living --- is nice sometimes. it was our legacy. I think most people are so far removed from that experience. We have been alienated and atomized.

i think i'm in an exiled state kind of from where i ought to be. maybe maybe people are. Maybe that's the core problem. I was thinking more people meet each other as adults in church- but that's not what i was thinking. i was thinking that -- obvious cults- people still love and meet there and they may have even tighter bonds. I don't want to join a cult but what if that is more normal in many ways than living alienated in cities? Small groups are like the most natural thing in the world i think, and anonymous people in cities is just not.

So how to go from A to B? Don't know. it's not easy to build groups. I gotta think about this, and take it seriously.

I'm always thinking about a lot of things. I'm tuning my brain. i'm studying and reading all i can, because i like to. i wish (kind of but not bad enough) that i played an instrument. or whatever. but books are my thing, not that i love them but I'm drawn to learning and growing and understanding things- but being social is what makes us human. look at bears. they are not social. I am failing on that front but actually when i am part of groups i am liked- if i half try. I definitely have my own personality. I definitely take on certain types of roles more than others but i am not unliked. The friends i have right now who are kind of all separately known- not part of one big group- they are amazing. There is nothing organically wrong with me although sometimes i have growing resentment that can pop up under certain triggers which is a problem. I don't act on it but it changes my state which is a problem but humans are social. More than almost any other animal, and we are made to share in a way at least if hunter gatherer tribes are our legacy- but share with friends and tribesmen, not the general public or stranger- to be clear. I and I think most of us are so far from that.

Life is full of paradoxes. people are full of delusions. that's not always the frame i want to use but i'm growing into that frame. As i grow i learn more and more and things and ideas which were once in the distance, frameworks too, like far away mountains, are finally reached.

I need to have parties, to throw parties, to be invited to parties.

I guess I have my own issues. I don't like to be stressing too much about business or whatever when i am out being social. These last months i have been carrying load but i can't let that stop me loving and enjoying myself. I am looking to get rid of a nuisance property-- and pocket some cash in the process-- as soon as there's a buyer but that shouldn't limit me. Also sometimes in public when things are good i stress about certain energies if i don't like. i need to let more things roll off my back.

I need more. I need to snowball things- snowball community and connection. i need one girl at least if not a harem or something. i say that like it's over the top or which probably sounds over the top but it might be easier to get that than get one. if you go for one you are always pining and pressuring her to hang out i'm sure.

Since humans are so social- by design at least, we probably have so many systems in our minds to regulate us. that is probably where morality comes from or much of it. that is probably where the social program comes from that makes us police ourselves or limit our powers, which I think is a very real thing. this needs to be undone. we are the most regulated animal and i am not talking about physically but psychologically and there has to be a way how this happens. I do want to break a lot of the rules- the rules that aren't grounded or based on principles. I always have and that was my arrogance. my bad arrogance. there is a good arrogance i can have. I had a lot of arrogance about the rules not applying to me. Rules are different than principles. I Think there can be principle based rules, authority based rules and expedience/practicality based rules. Rules are a higher construct than principles. I like the idea of breaking rules but not violating principles or making bad karma. it's just that so much of what is good for society is not good for the individual, for most of the people. that is one of the themes of sex after dawn. We are all in some ways kind of abstract slaves maybe.. and i don't want to be that. it's not that i want to be a psychopath or sociopath or narcissist -- i simply want to be natural and experience pleasure- my due pleasure- but i wonder if -- discarding the extremes and toxic of them - they are just lower on rule adherence or do what serves the self more. I don't like lying. I would rather be silent than lie. I have my kind of standards but i don't want to serve society unless i am served. Even though... wait let's start a new paragraph

even though i never felt like i was trying to serve society above myself or that there was a social contract i could rely on, or that i was a 'nice guy' with nice guy syndrome-- as some people say exists, i still realize now i feel that a social contract has been broken and that is why i am resentful. i didn't chose this. i am just becoming aware of it.

btw i have a lot of books and one i found was Glover's No More Mr Nice guy. i couldn't get that far in it. He's writing to mostly married people. It turns out that book was from 2000 so it's dated and he was a counsellor of men but so many of them were married but they couldn't turn on their wives or whatever. I'm like 'you fucking p*sssies'. Grow a pair. it's like they don't even know women get wet about stuff. he kept saying stuff about rocking the boat or not rocking the boat. I realized these people have boats to rock. a boat is a system you are part of. First you have to have a boat to rock, and not just be in the water.

He also calls it "The" Nice Guy Syndrome, not "A" nice guy syndrome and i realized what syndrome was. i did a little dive into the meaning of that word. it is things that run together, from the greek. Down's syndrome i guess is not really a syndrome. It has one cause- a genetic physical disorder. Other things can be called syndromes. I can grab 5 random traits and cluster them together and call that a syndrome. I can use it to predict things and when you do you create a community and all that but it is likely a projection into a lower space of things. there becomes dogma, the map becomes lower resolution potentially. i like working on individual axes and i never thought i've been 'too nice' or pleasing. i have been mistaken for that maybe.. but even so the book was pulling on me --- as a candidate theory and still does, the broad ideas, which is why i have to zoom out. I don't think i'm too nice and i also don't think his audience is as big as others perceive it. it seems to have been for married men or men with partners who didn't struggle with that aspect. It is funny how people can project into and read into things and fill in the blanks but that's why i read things and go slow. i can pull things apart. it is slow going on dense complex books but it is also slow going on other types of books where i have to question the frames, assumptions and terms. i got to learn more about what a syndrome was and apply it to my growing insights into linear algebra, or what i call systems algebra. He combines axes into components like BMI is a component built from height and weight. What i want and need is embodied clarity, not ideas that live and stick in the mind. This is actually really important. If I'm not embodied, it's no good i'm in someone else's world.

Connection, community. I need more touch. To touch more. Touch=> trust i know i know but you gotta be in the right state.

oh yeah also i knew/remember reading years ago on fastseduction how women were repressed by culture. people like gunwitch wrote that. i should read him again (I know reading is not liberation- doing is liberation and i'm trying to find stuff to do). They said it was the fault of 'men' why women were so locked down and yeah there's truth in that - Augustus and his julia laws or something - his moralizing laws set a stage i think for the church and western civ along with paul and augustine and ambrose and others. what can you do but the nuclear family is still not that bad and still produces robust societies. i don't know. i'm more open minded than ever now though. When people said that about women and culture --- on the seduction boards decades ago, i accepted what they said but i didn't realize how powerful a force it is and was- and i still probably don't know the half. We are products of culture-- and the artifacts of culture, the architecture. even if the mental software of culture could be suspended- as it might be on some occasions- drunkenness and vacation maybe and being drunk on vacation-- still there is the architecture- the zoning laws even, the commons, how often we get to meet people. Our cities and spaces are designed in ways that can help or hurt connection that deviate from our EEA- environment of evolutionary adaptation- plains or natural places where we were a tribe- nomadic or semi-settled. i like A LOT of modern culture but it does have a price tag. Ya don't need to itemize every little thing and way it changed us but a way needs to be found for pleasure and connection in this life. Honestly people are always talking about the secret to happiness, searching for the answers. I actually never really was. i've never explicitly or even implicitly consciously chased happiness but i think if there is a piece, the most important piece, it is tribe and fellowship and social belonging, being welcome and being where you can be sincere too- no irony, not too much masking. on top of that put girls there and make them like you. I want to be a patriarch like more than anything and if you're the head of a family with sevral kids you kind of are but even just being part of something is powerful and important. connection is probably the missing key. Sports teams i guess per a quote from the book of Christopher Ryan's by Desmond Morris- whose books i also have a few of-- he studied a football or soccer team and found they had behaviors that Ryan noted resembled tribal humans-- and they can exist inside an urban environment.

You surrender some power, autonomy, freedom and independence when you join groups and obviously i don't like that.. so there are tradeoffs but some trades are great and some trades are horrible. Some trades are amazing deals and how much independence does one need or whatever if one gets something better in return. the shitty thing i think, and a trap for me is i have to put in time and energy to get something back, get a return- love and follow through and since i haven't gotten much in the past and i'm tired of waiting i don't really give the energy and time it takes that much to get somewhere. i have no patience. my natural patience is kind of exhausted I guess. that keeps things honest. if i'm not feeling too much pleasure in an interaction, it's done -- more than it used to be... but it does i think take energy and time to get payoffs, of all types and so that might be a place i'm shooting myself in the foot and if so there are causes for that, the tuning of my brain from the past for example

God damn i don't see another way or path right now besides getting lucky with someone-- or rejoining a church which i am hesitant to do. I would like to have casual relations and see where it goes with people from the church but depending on the girl i feel such responsibility... but i think i know more now. maybe i can play it well so nobody gets hurt. i have to analyze how much i've been deep into honor and the idea of it. i don't want to lose it obviously but what has it cost me? There are tradeoffs for everything and if the contract is broken-- any and all social contracts, then what do you do?

I was always hoping for miraculous powers to save me. Autism (Aspergers) to the rescue, i can cut through bullshit, see the world in a new paradigm, give so many types of gifts and really be amazing- and i think this is theoretically possible but boots on the ground i don't see a way to actualize any time soon. The modern world and culture has got us by default isolated, and worse- bickering and looping internally but at the very least isolated. I enjoy books but i would enjoy people, naked people too, with the right chromosome combinations.

I always put it off-connecting and socializing but i can't find a way that makes sense. i do go out somewhere i can- dance and different things but they don't seem so amazing actually like they're cracked up to be and when i meet a woman who i think flirts with me, i tend to find out later she has a man. It's happened so many handful of times. I did have some chances. i need to make it to chicago. that should be my next thing. i bet it is different there. i did make it with a girl there once and she was amazing and sweet- hot to me and girl next store and so open but grounded and smart but humble. I think she was aspie similar to me but she was a good one. maybe i can make it this fall before it snows and find some places to check out. I gotta resume seeing the nations cities which i didn't do this year but did last year-while i reshuffle some things. life is short. Life is short- take it slow. slow is better than fast but don't waste time either. Growing old alone is kind of scary. It's probably the scariest thing i have felt which is why i block it most of the time, though i wish i woudn't.

 

[archimedes]

well.. i got a date this coming friday- wine bar. i actually don't like to talk about my successes because I don't like explaining stuff that is not top of mind for me. it's selfish i know but if you stick with this post I will probably end up explaining it in pieces. I post for myself primarily. It is a way to think. She was a checkout counter lady who came back from virginia so not from minnesota. I live by a nicer grocery store walking distance and i know some of the people. some hard workers, working poor in a nice establishment. it is what it is. This girl C-- she was open to chatting late at night so i did and she mentioned she studies psychology. i had mentioned i basically have a university upstairs. anyway i asked her what specialties and she said psychopathy and autsim. i asked if she was on the spectrum. yes she was but i think apserger like, not autism. they shouldn't have been rolled into one and i told her that. anyway i grabbed her number yesterday (sat). i think she was pleasantly surprised by my decisiveness to grab it. i messaged her this morning (chat gpt helped) and we got a date at a wine bar fri.

I actually gave my number to a cutie yesterday- at this french event i was invited to (I don't speak french). this brazilian girl on exchange was there and i went to talk to her multiple times between people's readings. she liked me. I ended up giving her my number with the idea she would message me. You know--- i could have been bolder and grabbed her number or called myself after i put my number into her iphone. i didn't do that. i don't know- i don't want to be creepy but it's not just that. maybe it's not creepy it's bold. Maybe she was expecting it. you know i don't know a part of me wants to succeed and win by pulling people in where they put in effort or do it in a way that is comfortable to me.

Actually i have to comment on that. People have always said go out of your comfort zone. bro i think that's my whole life and it just makes things worse or else going out of my comfort zone means staying in it, staying embodied. it's a paradox. I like to go slow. i want to win and get sex but on reasonable terms. i am trying to purge out the bad from my mind, the bad morality, learn to navigate and that i will be in accordane with the terms i want for getting tail and love. I don't want to twist myself. still i had inklings of regret for not getting her number. we talked about doing stuff and i could give her gifts. probably was around there an hour talking on and off. if she messages me i can suggest something. i like to see them, the girl show either some initiative or enthusaism. i am willing to be flexible but i just did not get the number. i thought the connection was real and good and she gave me her phone but i did not get her number. anyway ---- i have a no regret policy now but it is not easy and i am still working through my conscoius relation to regret.

---

just some ideas i've been having
internalization of bad things- need to be externalized. internalization of bad things is fusion of them with the self or psyche. one needs to unfuse.
splitting- when you externalized good parts of yourself. you need to de-externalize or de-split, internalize.

people always talk about internalization. what about externalization?

Knots- people are put in knots. Some knots are best solved by the alexander technique- i.e. slicing the gordion knot but others have to be untied slowly. i'm getting into this knot theory but i came up with a NOT theory- kind fo based on taoism. you can't always define something or say what something is but you an say what it is not and with enough things you might get a sense of things. The more books i read- slowly and methodically the more i can say NOT to this and NOT to that- not quite, not quite.

I also think we need to follow our biases. i think people have been trained to block out their bias. oh no, "this is my bias so...". fuck that. this is my bias and that is why i am pursuing this thing.. otherwise people are just crossing themselves and cross wiring, right? i want to be internally coherent (and get reward). I like to change the brain, to re-tune

Nature versus nurture: ok those are two. i created four
1. nature- hard stuff
2. personal experiences that have tuned you - rejections, successes etc (TUNING sans culture)
3. ambient culture that has tuned you (TUNING plus CULTURE)
4. current environment context (no tuning BUT CULTURE)

1 and 4 together are interesting. they are the fixed things
2 and 3 are the tuning things.

given the right environment i think a person who wasn't successful can otherwise be successful and given some breakthroughs, one can retune oneself.

I am curious about the question: to what degree is culture making us the way we are- men and women? This was the map i came up with.

 

[archimedes]

Date follow up, Selflessness (yikes), induction, embodiment, sociomechanics, hydrogen bonds, augustine

Well, it's interesting. just to let readers know (i don't care if anyone reads), the date went well last friday, about what i expected minneapolis to be like when i moved here- went to a nice wine bar, met the french patron and had a good conversation. she's definitely on the spectrum, she warmed up to me, we had good food and then walked around the lake. With her i was never looking for a long term relationship (I mean commitment- she was middle attractiveness and 30 for me to commit my life or exclusivity to is a lot). I was hoping for physical intimacy maybe (end a long dry spell). she wants to see me again and we might but i don't know about physical intimacy for one specific reason. there is a specific turn off and i don't want to say it because it's not going to sound good. she's actually a guy lol jk no it's not that. maybe i'll hide or hint at the reason later in this post but she was a good person. Went to the ren fair and other stuff this weekend last day

Woke up just a bit ago at 330am put some chuck roast in the oven wrapped in foil with broth, should be ready in the morning. Went back to bed but couldn't sleep got up to write this. I haven't jerked it in almost a month. I need embodiment. i have to feel my balls. This is important. I need to feel not just my balls (true) but also my spine, my coccyx, my tailbone. i have been feeling that more than ever. i have to feel a tingle in all my bones. they have actually been coming alive like never before, and also i have noticed the wind or breezes feel pleasurable. it is quite the thing but i need and want to fuck and make some love. I chatted up some girls at the fest. had some good conversations. typically they are married or else they are uncertain. i didn't feel a bridge energy. i like to do my part- be interesting, flirt or tease, touch them if i can but at some point when i have done my part i want them to pave the way. i don't like going farther (i.e. sticking my neck out, my pride) if they didn't make any effort, and this often happens, at least here. one lady at whole foods i talked with for 25 minutes (felt like) who is single burped out that she isn't ready- even though i didn't suggest going out but anyway i would like to but dayum, yes she's processing or something. she's in her thirties. same with this other professor lady in her early 30s, at the university, from europe. she also burped out something like not ready. wtf. these are cute smart women. the european professor approached me at a coffee shop she saw me at, gave me a hug and said she had to get going. that was awesome. it's nice to be approached and it was huge social proof if anyone cared but damn with people not being ready. i genuinely believe that is the reason.. but it's lame. i know if they were attracted more to me or turned on more or trusted me more i think their hesitation would be overridden. it's like they don't realize life is short. i hate this hesitancy, this 'self' healing stuff they need or whatever. i don't get it. it's why a man needs a harem or others, to take the pressure off: Matthew effect. The matthew effect is HUGE in dating i'm sure, but there are many huge things

Selfessness- i just meant- is there any worse thing one can be long term? To deny the self. Also related to that is agency- female agency. I am not about being a psychopath. Don't lie but don't be selfless. Fuck them if you have the chance and fuck them good and don't protect their honor. let them have agency. this bears repeating.

I am reading Sex at Dawn and it is quite the read. It challenges evo psych mainstream thinkers as much as it challenges the religious. i am half way through and it is transformational. that is not easy to achieve.

i was reading another book on sexual ethics- ok the ethical slut. that is i picked it up and didn't get past the title page cause i was writing in the margins. something you should know- i have a university upstairs- texts and deep books on pretty much all subjects except art. several hundred books (upper several hundred) and they are deep and thick many of them and original. I want to tune my brain to reality. I read slow and write in the margins so i thought it would be curious to see what is said here. i had so much mental baggage that i didn't get to the first page. first you have to clear the way but i only say this to set up the next thing which is the next day, after almost having a wet dream, regarding a random canadian (I want to go to canada now lol) i was like- again yesterday 330ish in the morning, what should i read if anything? Let's read the complete opposite. oh yeah i happened to have ordered augustine's confessions. let's see what this dude wrote about. i was expecting doctrine, dogma and injunctions to unpack and wrestle against or deconstruct- you know detailed ideology and resistance. instead it opened the opposite and it freaked me out. this shit is dangerous. It opened with pure devotion, a way that pulls one out of the body, yanks one into the head. i had to put it down and talk to chat gpt about it, the psychological effect on people. it was a stark night and day from me. that's why i introduced this paragraph as i did. everything was A/B night and day.

Augustine- damn that man. what a hypocrite almost. he sleeps around, has concubines, gets a lot of tail, is a still secular or pagan professor of rhetoric, a high position and then leaves it all behind to go on god. had mistresses for years. now he taught celibacy and purity and shit and many followed him, him and ambrose. i want embodiment. i need embodiment. i need the spine, and the balls, and the pelvis. he laid the foundation for european history and the dark ages frankly. i think civilizations kind of get tuned and trained like a large language model- they have a corpus or a set of experiences run through it. this was a civilizational level training manual, his works. Western civilization has been the most "progressive" of all civilizations, I am sure. what i mean by progressive is not upward progress but change and novelty and back and forth. It has been trained and overtrained by so many things, the greco roman classic base i guess and then christianity/catholicism, and protestantism, the renaissance, enlightenment, and scientific and industrial revolution, modernism post modernism. If you overtrain a model you can get contradictory behavior and that is what we see. We are an overtrained model.

Especially if in prehistory as sex at dawn contents, were were all -- we were all kind of sleeping around. we were all sexually kind of enfranchised. it's either true or false but if true it changes everything, it changes the foundation of thought.

I still feel possessive, and jealous and that is natural too if i get one. i still care about paternity -- of course because that evolved too. that was latent within us obviously or it would not have come to pass but the ideas of the book, if true change everything, change the basis of so much thought. it is critical reading for any cultural anthropologist.

Anyway Augustine's writings kind of work on induction, sublimation. they sublimate the mind away from the body. i dont' want that. he starts with devotion and praise of god. It sounds like the opening of the koran actually. It inspired me finally to cave and learn latin though so i ordered some latin books, same publisher and series i got for learning greek. This will be fun (and i can talk to even more university classics major girls). actually at starbucks i met some guys speaking greek a few weeks ago. i talked to them and asked if that was the language. they said yes. this cutie chimed in and said she was studying classics. i wanted to keep talking with her but something happened, i got to answering a question and next thing she was gone. she seemed interested. damn, they are like fucking birds. they fly away. they are not ready and they fly away. i want someone ready that stays.

Also induction is the ren fest or just masses of people. i try be grounded but i wonder if the field or the social fabric is messing with me. this place is not grounded in reality i think but it's my duty to myself to lead. i have tons of paid vacation (which i have to use) but i had an expensive year and want to pay down my business cc too. i might drive to chicago, check out remote work there for a week, and explore and get to know that place. I had some success there earlier almost 9 years ago now- damn time flew. she was awesome and friendly and sexual. that's a sample of one, could be a fluke but i wonder. i owe it to myself to check it out and work remote, and also milwaukee. i worry about my properties when i'm gone but i worry too much. 7 are easy and one is a pain and doesn't make me money so that is listed for sale. that will flip everything. then i will have money and less burden but i can still afford to travel now but i wonder if --- it's on me to leave this place. i am also going to austin later for a small business buying conference. i have never been but have been told multiple times to go. i could easily take the week off but i think i will only take a few days off for the conference and then work remote, because honestly that is more fun than doing what the fuck, puttering around. what would i do? I want to feel like what it's like to just work side by side with people. i love the side by side ness of things. i just want to be around cute and nice people being productive. I want to sleep with people too- consensually-- but i wonder. i think this place largely snubs and scorns one. i'm not political. I'm not offensive. i just try to be tall, present, honest and easy going and non reactive but owning my desire, non verbally but most people are in some other place. religious people are open. i don't want to screw people over if they don't want what i want in the church but that is the richest field where presence and goodness exist in women. it takes time maybe to cultivate relationships there but maybe i should start going again on sundays to one. i have embarrassments (personal not public) at different places or memories so i have to either get over myself or find new places but probably both. Life is short and i'm in my 40s. this is scary as fuck when i let myself feel it. i feel anger and resentment and fear and everything sometimes -- othertimes i feel some peace and also body and bone vibration so it is a mix but i know the fear and helpless anger is equally valid. i lost so many chances in life- in my travels, in poland and turkey and elsewhre. i could have fucked a lot more but i was not selfless or embodied enough. i hate everyone who lies or has lied and promoted myth. i was vegetarian for a few years (over 10 years ago) because i was fooled into thinking it was best. fuck i hate liars and mythicists lets call them. they steal life. they steal freedom. They steal love. They say that love is platonic and lust is different. f that f them. now i'm practically carnivore. that would have made a difference i'm sure. that was a slice of things. I think for me at different times and places different things were slices of cause. i think i was and have been close to a much more abundant sex life- and still i want a family and a lot of kids. This is why i kind of fury and rage at liars and people like augustine.

Everything i said is right and true i think. i am too clear in a blurry world, one that plays fast and loose with the truth. our civilization is overtrained and hence wobbly and contradicting. hegel's thesis antithesis synthesis maybe is true but if there's not a perfect synthesis maybe there's wobble. my date said something interesting. how she was raised they were allowed to believe in one god or no god, but not multiple gods. that is interesting. that is kind of funny. those are the limits. that is hilarious especially coming from my greek learnings and loving that. if i would have thought about it now i would have asked about monaltry. i would ask someone else that because that's how the whole thing started- not as monotheism but monaltry per the scholars-- the believe in many gods but worship one. i can hear the conversation, someone talking to their elder. what about molaltry, am i allowed that since that's how we started--- and let's say he says yes. then the questioner says... i'll be an atheist. it's like 'why did you ask lol'. but that's a fictitious conversation, if i were a script writer but thought it funny she was told she could believe in 0 or 1: binary religiousity.

sociomechanics and hydrogen bonds: i was thinking or observing that people are bonded to each other with various levels of bonds. even being in a public group, just being in public it's like a lattice. if someone raises their glass to drink you might look away. if someone looks at you you might reflexively raise your cup of tea. that's how it works. there are connections. these are a weak layer and i know the proximity effect makes people trust you over time so i think it builds these micro bonds. that said there are stronger level bonds. the yt alg pushed some video to me about a report the nazis made exploring women's loyalty (to the soldiers on the front line). i asked chatgpt and it said the report didn't exist but it's good narrative scaffolding, like think and grow rich... but i was thinking about that. sex at dawn also suggests they don't have loyalty, like when they need more security or find a better option. honestly you want loyalty, get them pregnant. that's the whole point of it isn't it? It's like this polar bear clip i just saw- he found a mate, and they did their thing and then multiple other rivals came and he had to fight them off one by one- but he got her pregnant. you want a female's loyalty to you and your child. get and keep her pregnant. this is actually natural. is she going to be sleeping around when she's nursing and caretaking- and if you don't get her pregnant you violate the natural contract in a way. It's like to her body (and she to yours) that you're each sterile. that was a theory i had

But they still have some level of bonds. I can't obviously just walk up and meet someone and have the same level of bond as someone she went with to the fair. I have to create that, and it's too damn hard these days. i don't know why but it is.

So things feel like a broken social contract or society. Maybe it's the place. I want to go to Tuscany. i don't know how tuscany actually is mind you and it might not be what i expect but it just exists in my mind as this place. so do other places- like maybe amsterdamn or germany or anywhere might be better as long as one can live and work. many places might be light years ahead and more than enough but tuscany just pops up as a symbol-- where people know how to live and love. even if it's not true it is fine for me as a symbol. oh yeah that book eat pray love- i never read that. i don't know if she went to tuscany or where. i did not mean to refer to that but yeah .. now that's interesting actually. even american woman are stifled here. it is dunning kruger like in a way. they get repressed too and don't know what they're missing and identify with arrogant certainty. the more elite someone is or cultured and intelligent, the easier it is for me to talk to them and the nicer they are- even if they are very hot. this is almost always true. The problem really is other people--- but it's the field. it's me for being in the field or not navigating it well but it's also other people.

I need to get some. one video i heard last night from a very small channel on yt, reformed stoic says some good things. i don't drink up what everyone says. i'm a high pass filter guy. if someone says nutty things or things i don't care about, i ignore it. I'm like- instead i'm like "he made an interesting point i have to think about" or gave me an interesting news update. i say that to inoculate against critics, and cancel culture. "How can you listen to xyz. he said abc". Yeah but i don't listen for that and he also said d and e which were very interesting, which i don't hear elsewhere. this is how i have always been and it has taken me a while to realize people are not like that. they are polarized. Anyway rs said we used to live in a guilt based culture. i already know of the guilt, shame and fear types of social control. He was referring to that but he made a good point that we have started becoming a shaming culture- that is what ostracism and cancel culture and call out culture is- shaming, so men are likely to feel guilt and be subjected to shame and these have also both been lifted off women-- and psychpaths never had guilt or shame, so therefore his argument is we should feel none. i don't know if this applies to me or is most pressing for me now but it was interesting. it seems true. people have to be in the same boat, otherwise there is inequality, it is a messed up playing field. I'm not talking about guilt for sleeping around. i'm talking about guilt for lying or disloyalty or things like that. We have also i guess become a shaming culture which we have never been- due to the public stuff. that is interesting. that is really interesting, sociologically.

victim no victim this label that label i don't care. i want to go under labels, by living in my balls and my spine and nutting.. on people and in people consensually of course and beyond consensually, delightfully for them. I can speak the language of things- anthropology and sociology and social psychology but i want to live below the labels in my balls, even if and especially if they're blue. i don't care about that. i just want to be in them and in my spine. f everything else and i want to form bonds. i want to attach people (certain good people) to me and give them courage - to love for their own benefit. one european woman, older woman i loved a long long time ago and others too, a part sicilian here in minneapolis, i made them glow. I can bring the glow, if they trust me, and i'm doing my part to induce trust. i think the world is fucked or this place is fucked but i'm doing my part. i'm trying to do what i can. i already wasted so so so many years and it sometimes feels like a low key crisis and it should- but yeah that's it, that's my update. low. pelvis, spine, authority. sovereignty and authority and slow motion, deliberate movement, embodiment, connection and presence. that is what i want and need and blue balls actually help. they help ground one. They are a gift versus porn or screens or religious porn. the world, all it does it seems like is colonize the mind, the interpretive space, the body. all it wants to do is colonize colonize colonize. i almost forgive women for believing in a 'patriarchy'. there is something there. i don't think it is a patriarchy but it is a thick slab of culture- colonizing culture. maybe that is what they are talking about, if they are talking about anything sensible (and women are way outperforming men at university, i'm observing)

 

[OldGuy]

When they seem attracted, but say they aren't ready; consider if the problem is attainability, i.e. do they feel they could get yoou.

 

[archimedes]

When they seem attracted, but say they aren't ready; consider if the problem is attainability, i.e. do they feel they could get yoou.

that's a good point. Just wanted to acknowledge that.

The problem is i've thought about this a lot and will probably continue to rack my brain thinking about it now that you mentioned it.

I just think wiht these women in these places, attainability shouldn't be such a big issue. i am not asking them out directly always, i am chill, i am an open book right there in front of them. it would take a level of projection (he wants to date and sleep with me) and anxiety (can i get him) and secrecy (I better not show my real reason for backing away) just for this one thing to be true, multiple times. I don't need women to be like men. i just want them to be down to earth and a little more transparent.


People made the good point I naturally resonate with that if everyone rejects you, it's not them it's you but even that's not true necessary. it can be the society. most of the women i've got with here were from other cultures, outsiders. I think this place is fucked. it produces heavy social anxiety with a lot of hidden social code, which i've started to explore.


I want to navigate all the code necessary and the rules and so on to win, of course i do if it doesn't kill my spirit but ideally my style kind of is primal and sovereign. i want to pull people into my gravity (who would have natural attraction) and defuse any code that would otherwise get in the way. This place is the opposite i think- thick with rules and fears and phobias and i am trying to leave- and i don't like making excuses cause what if i'm wrong.. but honestly --- there seems to be so much fear and hesitation in the other people. i literally only need people to be open and relaxed or down to earth. Then i would win a lot more.

i remember as a kid when i wrote a letter writing the word 'sincerely' at the bottom. i thought, of course that's a no brainer. who is not sincere? The world is not sincere. I don't need it to be but we live in an extreme. things seem to have changed or at least i'm realizing that. nobody cares about you. women like to hide their flaws here. they want to be greater than human and i am sure by statistics that most of them are on anti-anxiety meds.. and the cool chill ones that i can talk to and flirt with turn out to have a boyfriend. either that's how they got them, by not being uptight and fake or their bf grounded them but i am trying to take responsibility. i have tried for 43 years.

 

[archimedes]

I am dead inside... kind of.

the world is full of code and this place is high in code i think. I want simply to exist -but exist in a space that is good with adequate minimal reward. minimal adequate reward- like minimal viable product mvp. i can't do without that. nobody can. even though i know the world is not fair and it's not a transaction, i give more than i get for what it's worth but i also try to be smart with things.

I Don't know the code. i am exploring these ideas but i think it is suffocating. it makes people afraid. it makes people slow. things are slow moving even when they are good. there is so much suspicion.

oh this doesn't normally make me angry but it made me angry today when i was walking down the street back to my car in the early afternoon and i just had the realization and intuition that nobody would look me in the eye. i am dressed decent, i am a decent man and even though i walk straight by people, women and so on, on a moderate traffic sidewalk, they would look the other way. they did in fact.

don't misunderstand me or my need. I'm saying this is a sick sign of the times or a sign of sick times. It's what i ancipated but i like manners and class. i usually just let people be and don't try to make eye contact (when i know i am not going to get it) but this time to test the theory, i did, and she turned her face away.

If you walk right by someone and everyone turns their face away even though you walk two feet apart, that says something about the world we live in and the code of the world or the subspace of this particular civilization. i am learning a lot about civilization. i have finally done it. i have gotten into prehistory. i ordered some textbooks. i am reading sex at dawn and have ordered a lot of books about civilization and domestication of man- from rosseau and other french thinkers, freud too though i'm not a big fan and so on. i ordered some textbooks of what we know of prehistoric man though- legit university texts and other things. I want to start thinking of civilization as something that emerged from prehistoric man. i have tons of history books. I am filling in those pieces. i was before but now i have to get the bedrock, where we lived 99% of our history and control 99 percent of our genes i think which will describe how we might be a mismatch.

but that's fine. civilization exists. it offers many good things. i am not and never was an extremist in anything. life is compromise and tradeoff. I just like clarity and insight.

but this seems extreme- this no eye contact stuff.
i can come up with numerous reasons why they are all like that.
i can try to infer their motives or question whether they are conscious of this or whether it is instinctive.

but the fact is in another society people would look you in the eye.
It is arbitrary.
it is just a local thing
In tuscany maybe -- i don't know but i'm going to go there- or elsewhere, there would be connectivity.
It is the local code but zooming out- because that's all i'm zooming- i had a particularly stressful day with a lot of little stuff at work but that stuff has passed -- zooming out I'm trying to process the idea of everyone who walks right past you looking away, what that means when they all turn their face away and then i'm trying to process what this says about a code structure in general, with tons of other rules and mores and manners. I'm just trying to process this dispassionately and neutrally what this means at present and what this implies for future.

I think there are two main ways to do things and a society kind of chooses. There is the primal way (chemistry) and there is the code way (conformity, approved).

i'm thinking out loud right now. Regarding primal, i'm not talking about hard qualities or static qualities though they can play a role. I'm not the biggest dude but i am on the taller side but there are definitely fitter and taller men. i'm not the richest. i'm above average in many ways financially and physically but not the most. I'm mostly talking about energy.

The code way is what boxes you check.

I always thought women were free of this-- or rather, themselves suppressed but preferring men who might be free. oh no it doesn't seem so. i thought primal could cut through but now i think it seems like there is a back and forth. There are so many directions i could go with this thinking and i have to explore this deeply. there are different degrees a society can care about the code it has. I think mn is the most conservative state in the union in many ways. it is conservative socially or behaviorally or normative. I don't know if they want to see themselves that way but it's true.

Women are doing WAY better than men at university. i see it and it is obvious. they are networked, career focused, and connected to each other. The only other guy who i felt the same about, because his voice trailed through and interrupted my focus, was a guy with a somewhat gay voice who was talking to a woman but doing most of the talking.

Women are doing better, so i thought, being sovereigns, if they like a guy, primally, they could cut through the code, the red tape but that's not where their power lies. Their power lies in fitting in and in the system i think.


I don't know- maybe my theories are bullshit but i am not living. i am under-rewarded for the efforts made in life- not just with pickup but life. The social contract, if there was any, is broken and maybe there is no social contract but if we emerged from the tribes that christopher ryan talks about in sex at dawn, there is a native biological contract or expectation. anyway i am not too strict or serious about any given social contract but that said something seems broken that is like that. I am understanding the remedy and btw i see other normal guys going about-- and i have sympathy for them. They are taking on debt, trying to do well. i guess- chat gpt said that the inflection point- when i asked, for women outperforming or numbering men was in the 70s and 80s. i would have thought it was more recent, post 2000. You'd have to refine the question and verify but the point is it goes back farther than our generation and that makes sense. that's why these problems might be so deeply embedded.


I don't want anything for free. I am not entitled to anyone or anything. i do not want to be a creep. i am value adding- and benefiting anyone i get with or even have a conversation with or i do not want anything to do with such an exchange. I do have desires, sexual desires and also platonic ones too believe it or not. that's my fucking disclaimer. now all i really need or expect (which will be a dashed expectation) is for people to be a little more relaxed and down to earth, and/or have manners and class at least-- better manners but i know for some reason that is not possible. i do not know the reason, the tensions. in the north loop they are cooler. i get in some conversations everywhere with people but there is just a code that is blocking.

I thought a few things. i thought
1. stuff like you're cooler if you have an iphone or sus if you have an android- i thought that level of stuff or clothes and identity stuff was stuff we were past as a society- the greasers and the socs but i guess not. btw if i have to use an iphone to be cool, that's like a male corset because androids have more features and allow power.
2. i forget. that's ok

it is all code, at least here. i think they filter everything to if you pass code or not even that. it's also - am i allowed to show i like him? Am i allowed to say yes. it's sometimes about their neuroticism, driven by code or group policy. i think that lives here too so much

i think civilization crushes the pelvis of man where his will lives and the tailbone or it buries it with an aggregate of stuff, of bullshit.

i thought holding eye contact and genuine attraction or not apologetic body language and energy could cut through all this but i think it is thick-- as fuck and i think that women are worried about their own standing. it has to be that.

it puts me in an awkward position- i mean self respecting men. i am here to take what is given, not be a butler waiting around but if nothing is given then i am starving. both propositions are terrible and terrifying. maybe i am just autistic and the problem is me but if these things are at all factors, they need to be made clear.

i like things slow. i like a mind that is slow and steady. i like to slow my mind. i like to connect slowly. i guess i like it slow when it is complex or necessary, as it seems to be today. i like to win, so i can harness the winner effect. i am always persevering but it is like there are always blockers. i spent my formative college years at a shit college south of here full of people from here. i wasn't any wiser to that until lately --- big picture what i was surrounded with and i spent my career development years here. i was roving otherwise.

i want to be sovereign in spirit. i want to have clear eyes but be down to earth, nothing fancy. i do not have delusions of grandeur. i am just a person... try to know things and understand -- and make due allowances but i'm just a person. the allowances they expect seem extreme but maybe i am just missing something. they seem dead to me and i feel dead from the stress without reward. not too much stress in life but the ratio is horrible and oh yeah why do people ration approval and attention and good manners? That is what is sick and toxic. it is that rationing of a free thing, a naturally free thing. that belongs in that category of things. tag it as an abundant thing that is rationed and we can think of all the set of those things and analyze that set for its properties. i am nobody special but there is a lot of suspicion. If i can i was hoping i could vibe sovereignty. i want to be free of my day job but at least i get to work remote. i was hoping i could enjoy this, take reading breaks from time to time.

there is a deadness. if this is my future i am fucked. i know i am in need of reform. i have been patient with myself building a foundation. there is a code. there are codes. i have to figure out more about the codes of a society and why some are so obsessed about them and why this one fosters what it does, suspicion and fear of not even saying yes but connection. there is a fear of connection, manners, eye contact and more. there is so much fear or there is something. i try to get on people's level, like an elder brother or something that can come down to people's level and i still try that with these difficult cases but they are difficult cases. i try come down to people's level so i can be safe AND i try be primal/sovereign at the same time- walk that rope but it is hard. i hardly open anyone per se with the intent. i live my life and get in conversations when i get in conversations and try to pursue what i can. there is little progress made. what seems like it might promise progress inevitably turns to one side or the other and doubles back on itself but that's what i try. i am not pushy but i am not held back out of fear of being myself.

i think the place is cursed for me and the structures are fucked up and also i don't have my reliable ones, any people in my rolodex any friends with benefits, any concubines like the FH (Fucking hypocrite) augustine had. Maybe not a hypocrite but a privileged piece of shit who got to have his cake and eat it too and now he wants to induct everyone into sublimation in the mind, in those loops outside the body whereas i want to have both. what a piece of work. i don't have a set of people or momentum so that's where I am at. I have been trying to build momentum, confidence, winner effect etc. it's more like the loser effect for me- not an attitude thing but a biochemical thing from results and you can't fool your own brain. you have to turn a loss into a win and that's what i try do but things that set you back have that effect on the brain which is to be overcome.

I just feel dead. i feel conditioned. too many people are rationing, not just love but attention and respect and manners and so on. this is a sick system if that is true and i am too poor - at present. let's hope for change. if i had a girl or two as regular ones or was married with kids i might be blind to this. i'm not trying to be perfect but i am trying to be excellent by any measure, respectable, attractive, decisive enough. i am trying to be enough, on all critical fronts. i am trying to be dark (dark triad) enough and light enough too. if people ration respect and manners--- i have to be aware of the external structures and the social code. if you violate the social code you are a kind of code criminal in a way and that is how i am made to feel despite my efforts and qualities.

There are structures bigger than me. that is not to say i can't navigate them and win. it's just that i can't necessarily go through them, unless maybe i find their weak points. i don't know who caused these to be or how or when they emerged. i have to learn about this and understand all this. Authenticity is hated-- despised it has to be admitted- at least by the mainstream. I thought i knew a lot of how the world worked. i thought i hated pretty lies long ago. i thought they perished long ago but maybe i didn't zoom out enough. i am growing ever more cynical- for this society- but i also know other societies exist where people smile when they walk down the street.

honestly it wouldn't have taken much more than that to pacify me and maybe keep me from this analysis. There is noise there is stress there is load. there are also too many car honks getting on my nerves. if i have load, women have load. i want to be in my own body, my chest, uncontrolled, unbound, but still connected. i am ever more cynical about this society and its values and mores and structures but i'm keeping my eye out. i think it eats good people. it makes them say no when they want to say yes. that is what i fear. this is reaching into the deepest part of me given my age and station and status. i can't afford stupidity or blindness or ignorance or being where it doesn't serve. this is not a joke. one time my mind went completely silent. i can't describe it but i didn't realize how much background noise i had until it went that silent. there is so much code running in people's heads. they are their own worst enemies. i don't want to be a super man, to save them or pull them out of their own heads but i want to be enough where i can get people out of their own way towards loving me or whatever. i have to be careful. this place is dangerous for sanity. heck maybe that is what they are targeting. i don't know if there is a 'they' per se but emergent systems. I am also tired of defending capitalism. yes i am a capitalist i suppose. i am no marxist but being just honest and clear minded, maybe these structures are producing dissociation, alienation etc on purpose for their bottom lines... and if other people (cute girls) are questioning, why should i defend such shit, my own oppressors. i don't want to but i'm not a marxist or communist.

I think the (toxic) essence of this society is people police each other a lot here, in subtle ways and i don't want to be policed, i want to be sovereign but it's not even about me. they might police a girl who likes me or she might feel policed. they do so so efficiently too here- all it takes is a honk on the horn to disrupt thought or anything. i think this is how code is enforced. this is what i think minnesota is about. i don't know how this can be preempted, how deep and delta wave one must be to see through this and predict it. it feels jagged. they love to interject and not mind their own business and not give liberties to people, and not be sincere by the way- all the things that i thought were basic norms. hmmmmmm..................

 

[archimedes]

I might post more here. I so much because this is the most important thing and i am seeking resolution. Everything else pales in comparison in life in a way and i don’t apologize. I am too poor to apologize. I have so many ideas, and i take the words people say in response and i hear them and i try to integrate them but short advice bits are not going to suddenly light my way probably.

I am probably agitated in the short run by no fap which puts more emotions on edge but that's a good thing. it's not a religion, it's just a good thing that i don't get in some fake dopamine loop or whatever and gaslight myself. I see the world raw now but also not because of society alone- for many win, but the unique combination given to me by life i've gotten a raw deal thusfar. i had so much potential to love and make love and be a good father. Because i hear in my head people thinking various thoughts- victim victim victim mentality i want to address that elephant in the room or in my head. I think it is a case where language fails us. before i say whether i identify myself as a victim or not, let's just examine that idea. For what it's worth first of all i'm always taking positive action- the best i know how. i think everyone is always optimizing. I have been more stoic i think than you can imagine, maybe than you have been. Maybe people crying victim is an evolutionary trait to induce help from others in the tribe, since we came from tribes in prehistory. i guess the magic number is or may be 150. that number has a name, of a guy who discussed it. i guess our tribes broke up in two like cellular mitosis when the numbers got around there or beyond it. i guess it's the number of direct people we could have social relationships with and keep track of them, beyond which other structures, abstractions emerge or would have to emerge- social regulations and social structures that are so famous in society and civilization. Maybe the idea of classes as opposed to groups- i don't mean economic classes because the time period i'm thinking of is one where we are still hunter gatherers. What i mean by classes are types. We are viewed as types now- straight white male, christian conservative, or liberal single mother. boomer homeowner. Groups are different. class based membership in something- nra or whatever is different from group based- face to face. that is how i see things and they have different sociologies. I am in some ways developing my own system but i am reading from the original thinkers.

so maybe "being a victim", which itself is its own rhetorical device, was meant to attract help from the group one is part of. exile is largely death, or at least misery. there can be abstract exile or alienation today. everything is virtual today what used to have a more real counterpart-- virtual insanity is the way we live today in many ways. peopel can be winners today and that is what i am trying to be. honestly i was set up in life in so many bad ways it has taken a while to realize but i was set up in so many good ways too but fell through the cracks. i don't believe in free will- i'm a determinist but we act from a model of choice, as if there is choice and we act from a model of responsibility. Cracks though- i fell through them. it's not over and i'm still growing. still, everything i do is about growth, everything.

allow me to take a detour on that front. There is a parodox of a loser effect or the loser effect bind. that was my thought this morning. I have lost dates lately that should have been mine- should have paid me off as they say in poker. i finally get decent hands and i get silence. I mean the woman is patently attracted to me. they didn't even start as pickup interactions, which is how i prefer. they started natty. this whole foods girl who seemed nice- girl being early 30s. she's so devotional in spirit. she did christian stuff and now she's not sure where she is. she has nun or devotion like energy but still secular person. it's just good. it's attractive and sweet. We were talking for like 25 minutes. she wouldn't give me her number at the end but messaged me on messenger. she said she "wasn't ready" (to even go out and meet up and carry on the discussion) but she wanted to message me. she's not getting younger! I just hate this non ready shit. So i try to maintain my honor and dignity in replies and encourage her too. it's a tightrope game and that's offensive to my spirit at this point- because i'm too poor. I try to praise her confidence in a short text and then one other, over about 4 weeks. short stuff, 2 texts. then finally i unfriend her saying she's confident and all that but i can't be friend. I"ll post the thread in a follow up here below. i don't want to lose the train of thougth here. I feel like this hand should have paid me off, at least with a date and many others. i'm not hung up on one but minnesota has been making a loser out of me- for decades. i want to leave and i am going to leave so help me and i want to travel besides. most of my dates have come from people out of town. i got a few dates maybe and a few times sex from a local but the consumate local ended it quickly for bullshit. anyway the loser effect bind is that i don't like suffering the loser effect so i try to convert things.

i try to convert it to the winner effect, to leave with power or to win in the end- to be competitive with life or not give up. to transform it to success, all this stuff. Combine that with duties here with real estate and building a career though my job is remote and it keeps me in a loop. i want to exit this loop but not as a loser. i can kick off the dust of my feet and call it good i'm sure but there is that riveting loser effect type thing.

but now we come to the body. in all my pain or deprivation, i try to become both more embodied and clear eyed, without compromising myself but being less stupid. I want to be present but in being present one has to see the structures- the social structures one might bump up against, the social code so one doesn't hurt oneself. All this i try do while keeping a strong spine, stronger than ever and in a way my tailbone has been starting to tingle and other skin besides. Maybe the paradox is i'm trying to live with honor and dignity in a culture that doesn't view them as things.

so i was thinking about social contract theory. When does a person have a right to expect reciprocity? What is reciprocity? This is the core of so many things. i love reciprocity. individually i can open with flirting and teasing. i have proven that but even those who respond well, i want eventual reciprocity from. i don't want to pull a fish. They need to show some life. elsa, i'm talking about you. on a bigger scale, a bigger contract - i work, pay taxes, take care of my things. i expect more social reciprocity. well, it's not that i expect it- don't read too fast. I'm trying to be objective first and foremost as always. I'm trying to zoom out and hear all sides. there are so many people in our culture who are just partisan, the feminists and anyone and i honor everyone, actually, but they don't zoom out. they take sides most people and americans are obsessed with being right and with being loud. I am trying to do actual work at understanding but if the book Sex at Dawn is anything near right, that changes my views of so many things on a deep and fundemantal level. There is a biological evolutionary expectation for love and affection or touch and so on the lack of which might feel like a violation of a contract.

contracts aside- leaving them completely aside for the moment- or at least the positive giving of a thing, there is the idea that we don't deserve crap, don't deserve the giving of negative things, shit, load, all that stuff.

I have been realizing that there are many things in life that are naturally or socially abundant, and some are even infinite.. and yet they are rationed. i have been thinking about rationing and the function and state of rationing. Take diamonds. i guess they are abundant but de beers has a chokehold, for their own profit.

Take manners and class and civility and respect.

I think this is rationed, against men sometimes but this is not to start a gender war. i hate gender wars. i am so open to every idea, even feminist ideas. i would love to take a course, both to sit in with everyone and hear their views and respectfully share my own perspectives, and just in general, there is truth in what they say maybe, too. there may not be one big patriarchy, or who knows maybe there is but there may be an oppressive social structure. certainly, christohper ryan talks about how poverty is an invention of civilization. btw it seems like, women being so networked with each other, possessing so much social capital, as i clearly see them having in coffee shops, it seems like in many ways they are living the old fashioned way we all may have been in prehistory but men somehow just got alienated. i can see the struggles of men comparatively, in the students i see and i am talking about the strong silent types too. i can see they are not caught up to or equal to women in their .. what should i call it, state with women at the university, their level of integration and momentum and success. men have been largely cut off literally and figuratively but this is not a men versus women thing. i just see women still being in kind of the original state in prehistory with networks with each other. this is how my eyes see it. I don't take well to gaslighting and language rhetoric but i am always fine to discourse and dialogue to arrive at new and higher and better views. I am saying women that you are doing better- because it is true-- what more do you want.

but i do not bend or crouch in my flesh, or try not to. i try not crouch in my psyche but i still have some reflexive crouches but they are higher level ones. i am trying to bubble up and rise up. i am not unselfish. i am selfish and biased and the point of bias is not to deny bias or even disclose it socially. the idea is to pursue the object of your bias and live and enjoy. the super ego, the uber ich, which i think is a misleading name, the conscience, all that, all that which is not native at least but installed or ingrained as an internalized schema, all that can be blocking. here people get worried. what's going to happen? I can only say I think slow not fast. When things are unclear or in transition i am not hasty. I like to make eye contact. that's all i want. Deep eye contact is the healthiest, best and most amazing thing in the world as well as human physical contact, so those who see red flags, take those ideas into account. -- and then realize it's totally true, programming the conscience - and maybe conscience itself is completely a construct, though i'm sure there's some native conscience- is a total control mechanism and maybe a main one to get one to self police against their own interest. combine that with porn and screens in general and shock content and everything and it is easy for people to find offramps and dopamine loops that sedate them. I am less sedated than most people and myself typically due to the no fap stuff and related and it is hard but it results in clarity and new bodily sensations but you combine the social pressures and social causality of things, of frustration with offramps via phones and you get lack of progress for a lot of people. i want progress, progressiveness. That is a word i am using more and more- profit and progress. dirty words to some and i entertained the idea of them being dirty, trite or trivial and they can be but until i am in a good happy loop and cycle, progress is what i need and to get there, acceleration in the right direction and movement- velocity, integration. I know i need to be able to play.

i know i need to be able to play. before erotic lovemaking, there has to be play, which is an intermediary state that makes people feel safe and try things out low risk. before play and wrestling and touch there has to be some level of conversation and before that is the meet- whether cold as a stranger or via introduction. play is a part i have been missing but have i been missing it because i have not thought to do it or because i miss it for the same reason i miss love in general?

Things though are non linear. they are sometimes scalar and analogue and sometimes digital and non linear. that is how the path is. that is how i expect it to be. we live under systems of constraints, and we have to solve, for our needs. constraints are always emerging and sometimes disappearing. i want things simple-- but they are not simple but are they? Things would be so much simpler and they are simpler when the women in question are hungry for a relationship, single and trusting, or down to erath and relaxed. sometimes they actually are. i think in other spaces they are, that i have been before, and maybe they would be in the current spaces if i could enter groups with an introduction or momentum or something but i still think things are more fragile with certain people. i need to change my space. my space is not good i don't think. it is oppressing me and stealing years and not reciprocating.

i already expect mockery, and judgement. anyone who adds doesn't get that i'm already expecting it. i'm alread accouning for it and bracing for it and i try to come off as a being of all good things in person, of light and of love and so on and that's not even a psychopathic mask. that's what is actually true, as a part of me and i restrain any vicious impulses with the caveat that lust and love and sex are not evil when there is consent, so i am trying to restrain that less and less, where there is consent.

NO SUBLIMATION!- I have a no sublimation rule for myself now. Let force force me to sublimate. No trasmutation of eros or anything. Sex and sexual desire is for its consumation, one way or another. Let success in business, let getting rich, let getting any other thing be for its own sake as something desired and not a way to deflect from a sexually well lived life. this is a misdirection. People have been misdirected. now that i can see this misdirection and this pattern, i can zoom out and begin to think about how and whether it was fostered or not. i guess there are some sociologists, one of the first ones being durkheim, who showed how individual acts like suicide are not just a function of the individual and their choices. they exist in a field. that's anotehr way of saying beware of the fundamental attribution error (ascribing to person/subject what is explainable by the field, the context). people know these things. Professionals inside their intellectual guilds know these things but who zooms out, who connects, and who can profit and progress in their personal life from them? No sublimation. No apologies for desire either. no following social patterns or scripts. They weren't written for me and they have not reciprocated. They have dangled enticingly the promise of sexuality -- who are they? Maybe nobody but maybe many, trying to profit and harness. I must zoom out. zooming out is the only defense. They want us zoomed in, blaming oneself, or staying on the treadmill, the reservation. I am not trying to fight. i am trying to F***. I guess society has made so many inversions. i was just thinking how violence is ok in movies- killing and shooting people and the glorification of the same but sex is not? That is strange as F. based on my readings on anthropology, the opposite was true in our prehistory. because the earth was so spacious and our populations so small, we didn't fight or war that much, from what i understand. Not to sound communist but it seems also we shared a lot but now we are made to feel violence is acceptable and sex is not, at least in media and movies-- but the promise of sexuality, the tease is ok, the tightening and lowering of female attire is fine on a screen if it helps the women make more money or capture more eyeballs. is this not the modern way of things?

Freedom lies in the pelvis and lower spine, as much as clear eyes. guilt is the loss of freedom or second guessing. i am not free but i am stepping out and leaving the plantation. i wish i were younger. i have questioned the system but also been willing to play in it for decades though, so that is concerning. that is very concerning. why should it be different now? Why do i have a right to feel free now and hopeful and optimistic if i was the same man then that i am now? What is going to be different? What grounds do i have for hope or to feel good? Well at least i can peel back the bullshit that makes me feel bad, or guilty. i know women don't feel guilty, for their advantage or whatever. i know psychopaths don't either and the most successful men in history don't, so why do us rubes? Or rather, have voices in our heads? But besides eyes, freedom lies deep in the pelvis and spine. what others, incels or whover talk about physiology, the spine, the exit? Cue the song Khorakane by fabrizio de andre. The (completely opposite in spirit) amazing album Grey Skies and Electric Lights (you can thank me later) sums up the problem. Khorakane by that great italian one sums up the solution or the feeling one gets during liberation, a kind of exodus actually but it happens in stages over time. I want things to be permanent. i always did- my escape and freedom to be permanent, with love that is sexual, with one woman or many (and there was a tension there, in my head, and i thought too much and hesitated too much but i was genuine and sincere and i certainly paid the price for this, for the super ego conscience they put in my head). Freedom is deep in the spine and hips and pelvis. anyone else who says otherwise is a liar or a fool but yes we still have to navigate codes and structures. i think a lot of people who teach game are not teaching universal truths like they think they are but initiating one into the modern code structures of a society. OMG many years ago i was at a pickup camp in europe. Most of the other people were younger europeans from here and there but there was one californian. to others maybe he was cool but to me he stood out. I have to say he seemed to be probably perfeclty well adapted to his place, his environment but his overal vibe just seems so twisted and fashioned and not down to earth like the european style of game. I believe he was in the game for a while in california and it made him have different features of dress and all sorts of stuff. i believe the game sculpted him that way and helped him get better results, over there back home, but - and i have no idea if anyone else saw this- it made him to me look, well basically ok like an american. maybe that is the price to pay. maybe he had to be that way to pass code inspection for success in dating in california. maybe i have to do different things here in minnesota. code emerges- i think, to satisfy systems of equations-as-constraints. i think it emerges, nobody creates it but it is different in different places. i want to circumvent it or the crazy bits of it, proving oneself, adhering to gender norms of apology and all that. i don't want to be like caesar per se-- who in practice led his men through gaul and ravaged that territory but i want in dense spaces to have an energy of light gravitas if that makes sense-- light and playful but gravitas and slow movement that says not all the rules apply to me, because i live a deeper game, i am embodied. I am reciprocal. i don't know. it's hard to describe. Sovereign and dignified but playful otherwise. Basically i just don't want to be a dancing monkey, especially when nothing is guaranteed- and nothing is ever guaranteed. i want to be what's natural and effective. i am trying to find that, find the solution space in these systems.

 

[archimedes]

I'm a complainer. that's how you grow, right?

Well i do take action. i could describe the action i take. i had a date and so on and i talk to people. i could describe it but i also have to think- i have to think my way to freedom. that's how it works for me. i've been learning a lot about minnesota and it's structures, reading many things in general to study and understand society and its structures. i've been reading Rousseau- "man is born free but everywhere he is in chains". i have been reading Foucault, and how he describes how power exists in society. i might not like everything and he might have taken things too far- rebelling against nature but i like his ideas. I have been reading Sade- Justine. that book relaxes me when things are hard or i am stressed by microstresses during my work day. it's about how good doesn't always win. Let's get real.

The social contract was broken- and no i never EVER thought be a nice guy get the girl. i thought moreso get a good job and work hard and it's pretty likely - especially if you're also sociable and have hobbies. If there was a contract there, it is broken but i'm not even saying there was.

There is definitely a contract broken in reciprocity. there is no reciprocity here and that is what i am starving for. There is suspicion. I think this is minnesota. i think elsewhere there is more aliveness. that's all i need. sometimes i have decent conversations but even if i have that, with people here there is no guarantee of follow through, even if it is their idea to exchange unless they are keenly excited about it. I am going to check out chicago in the coming weeks, working remotely there. i gotta see how things differ and compare.

The shitty thing is i am and always was willing to pay a price for freedom and success-- but i haven't found the correct price to pay. i was always willing to pay the cost. i want to pay the cost, and win

Also what is shitty is my ratio. I have a bad and horrible ratio. What i mean by that is ratio of load to pleasure (and pleasure is hard or very hard for me to find). I think the ratio matters a lot. My ratio is shit. I can take load, from work and from real estate and whatever else. i have proved that time and again but when something (stupid or legitimate) pulls on me, after hours or unexpectedly, i feel insulted by it when i don't get my corresponding rewards-- love and everything- from a broken contract or if there is no contract, certainly a broken system. it really is a system because every girl i ever got with in love was so easy to connect to and few were minnesotan even if they existed in minnesota. it was natural. i found out my parents were basically minnesotan in spirit, my mom strident and my dad the rule follower. I don't know if i mentioned this above. that means my whole childhood plus four years of stupid rural college in the middle of which i found game and did workshops while overseas-- but had to return to and couldn't apply - not really, not in that same way as i was in a goldfish bowl-- i tried- and then the last 9 years- was all minnesota- all but my 20s travelling basically. that explains a lot. they really are crazy here. everyone seems so low risk. the drivers all seem geriatric, the way they behave at intersections is like a stall. nobody knows who to go, everyone is deferring. the women are high powered, over networked- that is good for them. i like and am all for female success but they are used to and i think expect men to be docile. i don't know. even when they like you- i realized too late with a few girls, they give weak signals and go through the proper bureaucratic steps

i need pleasure and reward to fix my ratio so i don't go insane, basically. I have capacity for so much more work but i need pleasure and reward and I will not sublimate sex anymore. i want more money- to build a business, i want to make a difference in the world but i know for certain now that that is not a good substitute for sexual need. that's how the system gets you, asking you to sublimate or transmute. I am studying different civilizations and civilization as a concept in itself. we'll see what fruit that bears but i find it interesting.

My ratio is bad, the social contract is broken basically or the system is, i always have been willing to pay a price for success, and i think this town and state sucks. i think we are completely different in spirit. All they would have to be for me to be happy is transparent or down to earth or relaxed- hell even direct and rude. There are many good things about this place but it is tainted but I am hoping i can find a way to win that is easy. i did realize something a few days ago. I probably need to linger longer, till the end of parties or dances-- that is likely when the masks drop that were run all day and that is when true connections may happen more easily. I thought i posted about this but i guess not. it is a pretty new thought.

I Think this would be a game changer. if i get everything else right but don't exist in the hours where people are open, and if those are the later hours, i will never win. i hate spending time hoping. i like to be where i enjoy myself first and foremost so i have to enjoy lingering, or maybe go late to things but stay to the end. I see life as a dead end and it is not supposed to be. i see society and civilization, especially this one but maybe even generally, as crushing -- at least crushing some types of people. i know that other people struggle in different ways and maybe that is endemic but i am seeing and understanding or trying to see and trying to understand civilization.

 

[archimedes]

In chicago. Doing what I can.

I'm not on team man or on team women. I'm on team self first which would include my family if I had one in my community and I'm on team humanity. I've always hated the fucking gender war so if I generalize about women I'm just trying to build a mental model. That doesn't mean I'm not resentful but do modern women hold men in contempt? Even the good looking intelligent ones who want to convey an image of class.

It's not that I don't have resentment. I have an increasing amount of resentment over a great many things and I have to learn how to use that. That's going to be big part of what I figure out and study going forward: how to use resentment at life as fuel in a proper and contructive way

But I have the feeling which is not evident on the surface but comes out when the rubber meets the road (when things are put to the test ) that so many women have contempt for men and look down upon them

Hahaha not that I can't handle rejection. I know you're probably thinking that. I've said it before I've been rejected by women in a way that made me feel good.. and I've been low key accepted in a way that left me wondering.. and I think those were genuine acceptances. It's too easy to accuse someone of just not being able to take rejection. It's one of those things that one could call "cheap shots", like calling someone an anti-x or a x-ist. To me the system is flawed because no one has to pay for making false accusations. They get all cover and no consequence. How in the hell did we get to this place?

But the manner of rejection lately for simple suggestions said declaratively I don't think with a weak frame with people I've had a supposed connection with has been bothering me and frustrating me and it's not a space I'd like to be in.

I hate giving a resume because it sounds pathetic but just so you know I'm not a fucking idiot. I know that none of this stuff is chemistry and attraction but I've always been a respected guy tall intelligent successful enough although I could be more successful but whatever I've always made good faith attempts at things too. I know this doesn't count for chemistry but I'm just saying I'm not a fucking homeless bum or an actual creep I'm an upstanding man of society and I can look people in the eye.. and I made to feel like I'm not and that's the problem

I refuse to be made to feel unequal to attractive women of the women my type. She can reject me point blank but it's not going to make anything inside of me bend or bow. I don't know maybe I give up certain vibes or maybe people are changed to look for a certain status signals but and I'm not trying to be extra here, religious or excessive I'm trying to be rational down to Earth for like Jesus said the only sign is blah blah blah. The only sign I want to give is that I'm not going to act like a little bitch afterward and let them control the frame of worthiness. My body doesn't cave I don't collapse but yes my mind does spin around a little bit and I do collapse in the brain a little bit because I'm only human

But what do we take from all this? This is a repetitive thing. Maybe I don't have momentum I just think I'm worth more than I'm getting here maybe it's a new generation that's been tuned in a different way but I've been thinking about proof. There's a thing they call social proof, and proofs are used in math. We need to "prove" certain things in certain people's brains so I guess we win trust and we win interest and all that jazz.

Social proof would be great. If I had a good enough woman then I wouldn't need to get another woman unless I wanted to have a harem and love multiple women which might be a thing, but I also want a "daddy's home" lifestyle. This is completely a Matthew effect type of thing

Basically honestly I'm not a stupid loser so I don't know why I'm getting such piss poor results all the time. I make great effort. I have always made great effort.

If i am being honest it is probably multi-factorial

The woman today work at Starbucks but she had enough time to talk for a while then when she said salsa dancing sounded like fun I took a shot but then her reply was so flat and cold, so dismissive instinctively reflexively like I'm not even her equal which I am. I can give her more pleasure than she could ever suspect and more protection and everything but I don't deserve any particular woman. I just don't like the idea that I'm just some schmuck

But it's multi-factorial

Its that women have to serve their paymasters and they don't want to lose their job.. even if it is a dumb ass job. Not the Starbucks one I'm not making fun of her but I've had this. People are on schedules. We live in the post industrial revolution where time is quantized and attention is scattered and there are also really strong lines like people don't think they can cross them even at the expensive living even at the expensive relationship development. To me this seems bass awkwards/ ass backwards. This alone doesn't have to do with this girl. She's worked there 2 years and she likes it we talked about that.. but I didn't sense any risk but I do since that there's always co-workers looking and her time is quantized and I know other women they want to be loyal to their whole foods job as if it's a better career than having a family or whatever you know it's like what the literal f. I guess I'm saying two things here. I guess I'm saying first their jobs get in the way by creating friction and cutting up time into sometimes they are more loyal to them and don't want to risk them even at the expense of human connection, which to me is a very bad judgment. I also understand it to be said that if they sell more attraction or arousal they'd make it happen. They'd rationalize it. That does not mean that modernity and relatively recent modernity hasn't been training them and they haven't been training themselves to be more strict and dedicated as workers. People in Japan aren't even fucking anymore i hear. What the fuck is going on in the world? A job is not an ersatz partner.

There could be a couple other factors but we have to be clear I'm splitting up two things. If she would have said yes or okay we wouldn't need to say anything more but by the way it's also the way people look at you in the street. A woman just passed me and I don't know if they're looking with interest or with condensation. It just seems like people are condescending and I know what to do about that actually. I know what to do about that in the bedroom with consent. I'm good at that stuff.. but I don't have the same skills on the street as I do in the bedroom with consent. Maybe I don't know how to emit the right signals. It seems like there's a strain of narcissism or maybe dissociation and multiple personality in people and I'm writing this at a time where I've never felt more grounded and my spine never felt more broad-minded and aware of so many different facets of life. I'm holding it together

The misfortunes of virtue lol but I'm not trying to be virtuous per se.

I want them to pause and take the time. I think they're in the scanning mode of suspicion and never the open-minded mode where they can actually see the person. I speak too fast based on reflex. They think too fast. Everything I do is about thinking slow. I don't think I do anything to evoke that except for the actual asking out. I've always been good by the way at getting people to lower their defenses because I don't react to respond. I let people be them. Someone said that one guy was an amazing pickup artist because that's how he was but that's how I am. I don't flinch or react I just work hard to observe and be non-threatening but still with a backbone and sovereignty but I don't know it just seems like every good thing if that is a good thing is not enough. It seems like I'm stacking wins and good things but nothing is enough because nothing is ever enough and I had a few shots sure in my life and I miss them or failed to take them but heaven forbid I continually try to put myself out there and go back to square one. The idea that I'm not equal to this fucking Starbucks barista just cuz she happens to be born with a little bit of good looks although she's getting older I can tell- it comes off as fucking narcissism or elitism or whatever.

It's not about this particular woman. It's about life. It's about failed social contracts and failed societies and yes maybe a lot of it's about capitalism. Maybe it's the financialization of capitalism in the 80s or maybe the technofeudalism capitalism or social media invasion of the mind or maybe it's the managerial revolution following world war I. That only directly affects economics but indirectly can affect psychology


Just as I'm writing this to get messages from my tenants about the laundry. Good grief I have to be everyone's Daddy. This was a good tenant who never messages me at a different building. I probably failed to clear the coins and collect my money because I don't care about washing machine money so maybe a jammed but so many things yank at me which on top of getting no love or reward is really fucking irritating. Yes I am trying to build systems and improve things step by step

I don't like making excuses and I don't like losing and I don't like losing repeatedly and I don't like being made to feel less than including at the sexual level or level of attraction

What must I do? What the hell must I do? What am I missing?

Where do I get leverage?
People think if you buy the right cologne or dress the right way then you have leverage. That is just fucking capitalism. There might be truth in those things but that's not the core of it I know. And yeah I try dressed all right. Maybe now today because I'm traveling I might not be the best but good God she was talking to me fine before. I'm so tired of everything being about money and limiting liability which is what companies are all about and so they'll prey on the lonely and so they'll keep people lonely. I'm so tired of people forgetting about what life is about.

I always in life it felt like I was close but maybe I never was but that's how I felt. Maybe they wanted me to feel that way. Maybe it's like that quarter game where the quarters are about to fall over the ledge or at least that's how it looks but they never do. Maybe I've been a fool in that respect. I don't believe in conspiracies of these types but I don't put it past systems like this emerging organically. All I'm trying to do is find my spine and get actual wisdom an actual power to cut through the fog and the bullshit. You don't be powerful by making more noise I don't think and being bigger and more brutish. I want to get power by being slower, more nonreactive, deeper, more embodied but the terrain is the terrain and people's brains and minds and nervous systems are the terrain. I need a good woman to trust. I will not have them install mistrust in myself as if I'm unworthy of them or something what the fuck that is some hardcore gaslighting and I lingered around there because I was actually working and it was a workspace and she saw my body didn't move and I no longer made eye contact or any attempt to talk to her and she was forced to consider me in my presence there for the next hour and you know you can kind of sense things intuitively, and I think that that proximity effect does me good and helps her overcome her initial body reaction which is always the worst in a lot of women because they're so wired up for judgment and shit. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable necessarily but I'm not going to be a little bitch and walk away. You get kind of nervous and you feel like kind of tension but I'm not going to validate a response that objective we had bad manners. You need frame you know I got my work done and told her at the end there was nice to meet her and I left, that's not a win. It's more like a neutral or a safe face but man I want some fucking actual wins you know Jesus Christ good grief. As they say in les mis something's got to give.

My mom always said i was stubborn. She was fucking stubborn as hell and she killed herself later. I think I'm rational but I'm also flexible and present. Just at least a little bit of open-mindedness and trust is all I need to work with. I'm good at coming from the heart and I'm good at looking people in the eye. I'm not good at dealing with people who have inner prejudices that block my ability to connect and my fear is those prejudices are the norm but they are hiding under the surface of attractive well-adjusted women.

I also think there are parallel systems. One is the religious system but also there are I almost called it a cult.. the sisterhood. They have to get each other's sign off on things or they consider what their friends will think and they probably secretly laugh and talk about men which is fine which is fine I don't care but it's a parallel system and if they think they need that for protection than whatever but it's a hidden system and there has to be a way to win. Whenever there's not a way to win the system is bad faith and when the system is bad faith any contract is broken and we're just slaves or servants men and women and if that's the case does not necessarily anything we can do in the short run. You know we got to eat and we got to sleep but at least we can have our eyes open. We can plan for the long run but I'm doing well financially. All I need is a queen or some lovers. It's like you never get a fucking upfront chance. They always have their filter mode and scanning mode on their more of suspicion and that's probably why women who are married get along really well with me and flirt with me because they don't have that on because they know nothing is going to happen. They're the easiest to talk to.

So I'm trying to think through this. I don't like the game or the pickup community that was based on rituals and routines. Yes I know that game exists and I want to be good at it. I have to do it in a way that keeps me sane though and so for me a lot of it's energy. I don't want to fucking pyrrhic victory having to pretend I'm someone I'm not but I understand game and frame and maybe I didn't give enough emotion or something. I didn't know I was going to shoot the shot so it was spontaneous and I thought that should count for something the balls it took. The problem is nothing is ever enough to move the needle with people anymore. It's like fucking their needles are so stuck. I think the news would have moved so much with half the effort and energy I have just like 30 years ago. It feels like people are so stuck and they don't want that to just be an excuse than making. How could I even know what's true? I don't want to deceive myself.

I'm insulted and that's why I'm resentful. Years have been wasted where i could be raising kids or having lovers. I love women actually when they learn to trust finally but they're so neurotic and now it used to be they were neurotic to the person that was dating them but now they're neurotic to everyone else and they hide behind their scripts but a lot of guys are no better and other guys are lost just like me although weaker than me and just go on their phones. Yeah I go on my phone too but as a last resort. I'd rather have connection. I need to fuck someone get my mojo back you know. I don't want to rationalize anything. I don't want to be made to feel unequal. I don't want to jerk off. I don't want to deceive myself or go in mental loops. I want to figure things out. I want to make actual connections. I want to kiss girls. I want to take them out and buy them drinks and dinner. I want to fuck them like a human* (*as opposed to an animal, that only fucks during mating season, unlike humans and bonobos- see Christopher Ryan sex at dawn). I want to have flow in life and I'm willing to put in the effort but I'm bumping against the edges of the system. I think a lot changed in 20 years but I think a lot changed in 200 years with the industrial revolutions. I think people's brains are fried in a way or they're adapted to a system that is so constrained and contained and I hate to be this cheesy but I'm kind of like neo in the matrix if you can go back to the very first time you saw it when he was starting to see the controls and the flows, but I still need more self-esteem you know in more self-confidence and certainty and I also need equally to understand the blockers and other people's mind because women can be their own blockers too so I have a long ass way to go I think or at least victory never seems to come you know and it needs to. Because I deserve it more than anybody

 

[archimedes]

Sometimes proof is needed, in one form or another.

Sometimes escalation.

Sometimes physical contact bringing embodiment.

Sometimes attention.

Sometimes moral cover.

Undeniability is power. In a world of plausible deniability, undeniability is nudity.

 

[archimedes]

The world is a bunch of systems. Systems are like systems of equations, which are constraints. This literally, not figuratively, is a matrix, a matrix to solve for, to find a solution if one exists or a solution space.

I didn't know but i like to demask people but masks are modernity. I don't care if someone is a guru, i want to get to the reals. I always like to play it straight.

Game exists. I never was against game principles. I know it exists. Social proof is leverage. Frame is gravity or gradient. I didn't like noisy game. Its so fucking noisy in Chicago. I never saw the point of noise or maybe it was the tool of the weaker otherwise but it is kind of dominant but if everyone is noisy, how is it then dominant? Quiet signal in certain environments does not cross through the filter. Those packets are lost. City people understand this i think.

The wrong environment is a rigged game. Some people here are playing with the rigging in their favor. I am probably a sucker in this area. Whole environments are rigged. I know because ive been to ones that are fair and everything changes. It is easy mode but they are rare.

People now retreat. People are stressed i think and withdrawn and technofeudal moral. It is not like 10-20 years ago. They give allegiance to moral codes like never before. It is the rise of the third party. Ideally relationships form between first and second person, i and thee, a dyad but now third party surveillance and social and employment contract get in the way.

The modern world has accelerated in the last 10 years. People are friendly and interested when they are selling something, for a job. WHAT A JOKE!! Be that way normally. WHAT AN INVERSION! nobody ceated this system. It emerged from people following their short term incentives. People, women retreat behind phones and swipe. Maybe some lucky guys have parties with tons of women in real life and I'm jealous but i don't want plastic. I'm jealous of those having parties with down to earth women but in any case there is a scarcity because of retreats.

Loud rap music sucks. It is offensive. Why would i listen to someone else pushing his frame on me? I want to be the one with frame? But hotels and places blare this. I need more than spine i need total embodiment from the feet and hips on up but some places just suck. Every place sucks in different ways. There's no perfect place. You need a system you can win in, which affords opportunity (beautiful intelligent classy women actually exist there) and you can be visible, get through the filters, work with any constraints.

I think the behavior of the nation might be one of an empire.

I am giving my whole self to understanding life, because I don't have a choice. Every day i die, trying to get a little farther and every morning i am reborn. The world wants us bent, expects us hunched. I see myself as a sovereign lord, in both love and money

 

[archimedes]

Attraction is nothing in modern fragmented loud cities. Attention and trust are everything. How does one get attention and trust in a low attention low trust environment?

Trust is not necessarily easier in slower places.

I am so overdrawn in my spirit, in my body (been too long since i stacked wins). At least i am learning the score. My body aches but i can endure. Man and woman are are captured. They are captured by third parties. This is the era of third party (institutional) intrusion and expansion. The trauma myth doesn't say that someone's trauma isn't real. It doesn't gaslight or invalidate. It says that third parties - often credentialled and powerful, often project and flatten someone's story and reality (third parties flatten, per dominant narrative). Along with a trauma myth i would add a danger or risk myth. The third party anxiety that every form of touch, for instance, is dangerous. I just read an article that even in the 80s and 90s bosses used to have secretaries book reservations at strip clubs for business meetings. There is in other words a new puritanism.

Man and women are captured not just by spectacle, theater and performance and other things, that one in theory can look away from. They are also captured by noise, interruption and attention shock. Just a minute ago, and it's only 616am a dorm mate's alarm rang and disrupted my train of thought. Once in a while it's understandable but what's very interesting is that its actually very quiet outside. I'm usually walking around here and car horns will disrupt my thought.

Occasionally in the past i was talking to women and an intrusive interruption broke what was forming.

This life feels like a 12 labors of Hercules affair.

I want to be uncaptured and enjoy fellow uncaptured women or a woman or maybe liberate one from capture, not necessarily for the fun of it but because that's the stare they are often found in.

The pattern i find myself in is inner transformation or liberation from a blocker. Often my joints crack and i become looser and maybe my nerves tingle but then later i feel a global weight or pressure down on my whole system, my whole skeleton or chest, making it collapse. I am whole and integral but can't overcome the context. Then i have to figure out how to get strong in the environment or recharged or to navigate it. One needs wins. Wins are fuel. My ratio is fucked, proper fucked. Maybe i need what people call "social capital" or something.

Combine that with work stressors or other things, contradictions from my enterprise managed machine and new tooling and over engineering of systems and its not good internally. I can figure out all that tooling but the world needs to slow down. I am trying to get my balls here.

Assets and seduction. Assets and relationships. That's freedom i think. I like engineering and history and knowledge but a stem degree or a tech job won't make you free. Assets and relationships will.

Other people are on the path, hustling and seeking freedom. They are in performance/mask mode though to a large extent or grade/get internship show positive mental attitude mode or just optimism and hope mode, and some are winning psychologically maybe. I don't know why my run at it was different. I even made two runs, at 18 as normal and at 30. I was not guided the first time. The parents even told me i was privileged. They didn't know. They didn't know squat.

I remember when i found these tricks, be autonomous, learn to fast and think and wait and capture one's own body energy and come in straight and find people's center and connect there.. and never submit to a bad frame and so on and so forth.

All that stuff works in that heat still makes fire but it seems like all the wood has been rained on and drenched. Things seem too heavy, too broken. The environment seems too closed, too domesticated or captured with too much friction and mistrust and this includes the minds. There is i think a low level of openness to things, to life in people and environments, much lower than i ever remember.

There are misfortunes of virtue and one needs to take heed to not be too 'virtuous' in the eyes of society, the world or tradition but there's another meaning of virtue - masculinity or preserved or built 'charge' but it seems that i am a ram or a buck but am going up against stone walls, engineered to contain. I will critique capitalism if capitalism brought us here, or technofeudalism. Whatever you wish. I withdraw my any and all loyalty. Capitalism, or any system can be observed, respected for what it is but identification or cheerleading for a particular thing is a different mental operation. Zoom out and generalize. I like private property. I like freedom and sovereignty but there are many hooks today, much that is invasive and pervasive. There is market making against things that used to be natural or familial. "Certified grief counselor with a masters" compared to aunt Betty or whoever. Certified guy who bills insurance at $150/hr and maintains professional distance at all times. I am not never going to defend this type of system. I am going to observe it and seek to understand it. It changes the frame though - "get a job" changes. What job? What about AI taking jobs? As a landlord i don't really care how people make money as long as they pay but as a human of course i care bur if i just had one good woman and family i would care less

I feel closed upon.

I feel closed upon because people pretend interest just to sell things, or win attention. It's all fake. It is or it feels emasculating. Maybe i just haven't learned how to navigate the current context or operate in it. Too many people have too many outs, and fears too of the third parties. There's nothing like in person connection, touching someone to ground them finally. Everything else is fake or fragile at best. Society cant destroy a man's balls, or spine so the system or rather the individual actors/institutions try to wall them off.

I remember this girl my second time in college. Kinda cute, nice psrson. This was maybe 10 years ago already. Damn. She's still cute and just posted a pic on Facebook with four children and husband all smiling. That's winning. She was wise. All the other things people were chasing is shallow in comparison - "likes" or whatever. What a shallow bargain. I could do that. I tried but if i found somebody I'm already much older but the joke is i always wanted something genuine. I had different sort of blockers and distractors. I have tried to slow down so i could understand what they were, and still are.

Women are connectors. I say that because my friend T who is actually from Chicago just messaged telling me so and so is moving, is lonely. Another guy about my age in tech. She is tracking male or other people's emotions. She's probably tracking mine. I never wanted to be a burden. Women are meant to be glue, and I'm also sure they have limited capacity and bandwidth -- and they are probably giving most of it to their Starbucks employer.

I am just trying to go deeper in my body and mind. The rules don't apply to me if the system doesn't reward. Man needs reward in good faith and a lot of rules are in stark violation of both natural principles and historic customs. A lot of the rules are third party capitalist dehumanizing profit maximizing person disrespecting and they need not be feared, just overcome and brushed aside but a man also often has to provide canopy to the lady

I ache throughout my whole body- I'll live-- but i ache for no other reason than cumulative micro stress, micro offense, socio cultural insult and lack of adequate reward, so my back is stiff, in particular but I'll live. It's just not like it was before. It doesn't feel like it did at 20, where things were an adventure. It feels like a rigged or booby trapped complex system. If i could gordion knot it i will

 

[archimedes]

I may have a victim mentality in dating like others have in work and finance. That does not mean my views of things are inaccurate and that does not also mean I'm not sincerely trying or sincerely worthy.

I rather mean on the surface i sometimes have a hurt and entitled vibe but it is only in the moment and only in some moments, in some contexts but it is an emotional pop up overlay that often comes when there is legitimate opportunity to connect. Because maybe i have worked so hard (to get nowhere in life) and because i think i have a lot to give (and i do), and because reflexively, unconsciously i maybe predict bad outcomes, i get .. well I don't want to use words. I want to paint a picture. I get sad eyed even when i don't try or mean to

Sometimes

I am at this cool grunge kind of but nice cafe for working remote outside of the city center of Chicago. It's really interesting because the walk here was nice. I needed a walk, a 50 minute walk because my body needed it. Being here, the 90s grunge music and just down to earth people are really quite relaxing

The barista guy had a conversation with an Eastern European who i am sure was cute. She led the conversation with him and he was just chill. Jealous. If i had something to keep my hands busy with, i could do this. That could be me. I deserve to be part of something, a central and important node, without pretending I'm something I'm not. I deserve to be approached and opened. What happened and how can i change it

I'm reading the book Technofeudalism. It is making me think and question our socioeconomic system. Context is always for the win. At least it doesn't hurt. Anything which brings sanity and clarity is a good thing

On the walk over here i realized that all is gravity. Everything we have ever done and will do was predestined and we did it because of the gradients of things around us. We always act on the gradient. I know this and this can be used to predict outcomes but one thing we will never know or be able to predict is who will enter the stage, stage left or stage right. Who will make a move, who will rise up, etc. These are the disruptors. We can never predict them i dont think but we can know that they change the field and that is the social gravity field.

Every emotion, every inner state, every microexpression falls under this domain, every thought.

I always liked health, deep profound mental health, and sanity. I never doubted this idea but now it is clearly in view: a man needs a good healthy ratio of load to pleasure. I don't know if one can have too much healthy pleasure but i know one can have too little especially relative to load but anyway i want to have a good life well lived, and that is with love, and without apology.

I must have missed big things because i expected to be a lot farther. Have i looked at myself in the mirror? Would i like how others see me? I don't like the low trust and low attention of society, which i often misread and personalize subconsciously but if i got trust, would i be able to run with it? I seek high trust cultures. I dont want to always be healing or coping. I want to be living finally, naturally. I don't like forcing jack shit. I need deep or external transformation maybe, probably but yeah now i don't know where this entry is going. I don't love doing this. I don't hate it. Maybe someday I'll regret it but i can't help doing it. My thoughts and emotions press into me. I need touch and love and there is no sublimation, no Augustinian god sublimation which is probably the foundation post Rome Europe was built on. God heads. I have done that. I am fine having that head bliss too so long as i can also be equally attentive and rooted in the body. It will not replace that and Augustine, when i think of him, i will think equally as the guy who fukd. He fukd a lot. That's the worst moral lecturer or priest - the one who got to live it up and then close the door behind him but there are opportunities in the world. I have to open them in my mind somehow. I don't know.

 

[S.S Can]

i love reading your stuff dude but you think wayy too thoroughly and it clearly isn't helping you. I feel the same as you at times, like I should be getting outsized reward because of the outsized effort that i'm putting in in comparison to the average individual.

I think you need to travel, or commit your focus to a singular pursuit.