I'm fukt

[archimedes]

This is so fucked up. You're not going to believe it.

I'm back in Minneapolis and it's the morning after it coming back. I have three things going for me and I still feel the heavy load. I feel isolated in my room but that's fine. I missing out on the connection of people and it's not novelty. Novelty is one thing but I don't need that. I need connection and community and I always have and (environmental) abundance so I'm not in the scarcity mindset that is environmentally caused

But three things going for me just now which are going to stop going for me are noise it's actually quiet right now. Maybe it's quieter in the winter and also the construction is done near me but I still have worry about sirens and cars breaking my attention. Also I don't have any workload at the moment or tenant calls. There was one other thing I forgot

But I got to stay down. I've been laying in my bathtub for 2 hours and I'm not lazy but just going out there takes away. I was going to go to church just to socialize and it would have not been a bad idea and I could still go to the later service coming up but in general I have to lay low here because everything fucks you around.

Now this is the crazy part on top of everything else on top of the irony when you do actually get something and get somewhere there's a girl that is kind of mid by my standards but she's chasing me and I was going to go out with her to a movie she shows enthusiasm it's awesome and she's on the spectrum. That was going to be this afternoon but the second time in a row she's gotten a headache. The first time we did go up because it got better

And maybe that's not the fault of the city but maybe it is. Maybe it's the indoor air quality when you have to start turning the heating on. And I mentioned that to her and I haven't heard back yet. I suggested getting an air quality meter check for humidity and CO2 because that can be dehumidifying and I started noticing things a couple weeks ago before my trip

But in general even here when you actually finally get somewhere with someone when you start getting something it's a tease or it gets yanked away

And it's not just about the loss

It's about the loss of scheduling it's about the loss of sanity it's what feels like dishonoring even though I'm supposed to be the one to honor her needs

I've always been a man that wanted to protect women and honor them while at the same time getting my erotic dues and stuff and living at that level. Maybe dues is the wrong word but you know what I mean. I'm a whole man I'm not a partial man and I don't get why people are split into one of two types. I never fucking understood that. Why people act like it has to be either or either you're a nice guy which I don't identify with I never said it to or you're a lover. Why not be protector and provider and lover? A different play on words is separation from church and state not separation of. Anyway I always wanted to be a man that you know gave women what they needed and deserved but without prejudice without prejudicing my future sexual self fulfillment. I'm not saying this is at stake here I'm just saying that for the record. What is at stake here is my sanity. I'm glad I didn't go to church yet. I would have gotten that text and it would have irritated me. Alone it's not a big deal but you know you plan around things and you do get kind of expectations and the city keeps doing this to me so like even when you do everything right and even when you make allowances for all the other things it's still fucking does this it still does this shit.

I was already thinking I have to go dormant. I have to go dormant even more.

Everything is crazy. Up here everything is crazy the environment is toxic or suppressive and stifling. Down there it's not. Down there you can be in your spine. Here they want to yank you up and down they want to thrash you. Actually it feels like a thrashing. It's not that they keep me out of my spine because I'm in my spine but it feels like they thrash you out of it so you can't hang on to your own mentality so yeah so always adjusting because this is cancel culture.

I said things in a nicer way but I basically said this is the second time it happened and then I said maybe go for a walk and take an aspirin. I didn't say this but we still have 5 hours before we were planning to meet. I would say I'm so exhausted or so done with this bullshit but there's nothing I can do about it. You can only do something about that when you have leverage they're really I'm tired of not having leverage and/or being an actual good health to the environment so what I really want to do is get my assets in order and quit this place maybe by next year maybe by spring next year or something I can look into things. This is my life. This is my life going down to Minneapolis tubes. I don't watch TV and I'm even watching much less internet but it can still go down the tubes vis A vis the environment. What do I want to do with my life and what do I hope to accomplish? It's not happening here. Even a city like Madison Wisconsin which I visited for the first time is way better. I think the Midwest is still the Midwest maybe but Minneapolis and the twin cities Metro is its own particular hellhole or little prison.

Excuses excuses, everyone is always full of excuses and as chat GPT said the load always or entropy always falls to those who seem capable of metabolizing it. That's probably true and it's really taken advantage of here- and besides my traveling in my twenties when I was bracketed by my childhood of this kind of energy and my thirties where I lived here to put down Roots which is the only reason I stayed here so long is cuz I thought traveling alone doesn't work this place has been around me my whole life and one week in Austin I got so much happen every single day conversations with women two huge dates the first day all day and the last day an electronic concert. Both started by the people actually saying yes when I asked them if they wanted to go to breakfast or if they wanted to go get a pizza just down the road. They just said yes without an instant no. Of course I Converse and I looked them in the eye but it's not a reflexive goddamn no like everything else is here reflexive no no no no no what do you think who do you think you are.

Excuses excuses. If people just had a little more openness this is not even a structural problem per se. The institutions could stay the same- if people's attitudes just got a little more open and if people created a little more community and became a little more reliable. I don't know why this is so difficult.

This makes me go deeper and deeper into my body and I think I've already gone deeper than anyone has ever fucking gone it feels like, in order to maintain my sanity

At the electronics festival she was beside me and she bump into me from time to time and then she moved up and I moved up to follow her and then she moved up again and I let her go but I was not looking at her I was not chasing her. I was letting her be her the little baccaean. That's what I'm going to be like for everyone but there's no community no coherence no context here. That was an American woman too. Before the concert really started but when we were at the grounds we had a good conversation so there was that bedrock context. I felt assured as long as I could only keep my trust in the process and thinking back that has always been one of my things that I needed to master. I always just need to trust the process.

But that said the process is broken here. I'm talking about the process with a specific girl when she gives signs of uninterest but that's only when enough has been done at the beginning. That's only when they're still human. And this Minneapolis girl was chasing me kind of and I'm using that word loosely she was engaging and pursuing me but yeah even her gets a headache. Twice. The first time didn't result in a cancellation but this time might. It's not that she's trying to insult me but I really have to learn insult psychology. I've always been interested in psychology since a kid and I've always wanted to learn as much as I can but there are limits and I never thought that I had to learn this thing and that thing even me, but life is making me have to learn insult psychology. I have suffered so many low-grade insults here people being unreliable- and uncommunicative and uncooperative - I'm talking about my tenants now and I get that that comes with the territory but it also comes with a particular neighborhood and socioeconomic class. Burdens fall on those who see most able to Bear them and I would bear them for the right price but I'm not getting compensation. I'm going to get this stuff managed for me and I'm going to evict the bad ones and set a standard.

People are both passive here and passive aggressive. They're not always passive progressive but when they're feeling aggressive or angry that's how it comes out. They refer to a common rule or Norm maybe rather than being direct. Someone at the airport said in my vicinity but not to me cuz I was walking but they said the left side is for walking the right side is for standing but they're tone was bitchy and it was even a grown man talking to a minority woman. Didn't just say please move or hey you're in my way but they said there's a fucking rule and you're violating our Norm it's not about me it's the fact that you're violating our Norm that bugs me. Fuck you you small dick piece of shit. You had to be there. It's just symbolic in a way let's say, indicative. That was just yesterday. They're little shit's here. The burden always falls on the capable ones. Well this capable one is laying low this winter is going into hibernation and restoring his roots so he can get the fuck out of here and make it migration. He's going to try to not expect anything from anyone. Expectations exist in the body. There's always an emotional and somatic component to an expectation

This is the city and place of the least reciprocity I've ever been but the thing is in my twenties I was traveling so much I didn't expect anything I didn't expect anyone to want me or commit and I didn't know myself and I had a lot of baggage. This is when I was going to expect reciprocity in my thirties. Then I didn't know if this was normal or not. I assumed it was cultural American modern and it is all that but it is especially Minnesota because I had a fucking rich week. I had such a rich week I didn't even get laid but I think you would have happened with multiple specific people over time maybe. And that's another thing that time pressures that always seem to haunt me so this individual is going to hibernate and he's going to be more embodied than ever. He sees every game every promise as a game. He sees people wanting to buy on credit because you have to put a seed in the ground and wait for it to grow wheat. That's true and I did say you have to trust the process of above but that's when something has been started and she's giving signs of interest or she gave a sign. In terms of verbal promises or assurances or innuendos they can also be easily misleading and make a fool of a man. I want cash payment. The electronics girl did pay me- I wanted it to go farther and it would have because she replied to my texts when I got back but she gave me a concert she gave me a show she gave me presence. She paid me. In general I want to be cash based in the psychology of things not credit based because nobody's credit is any good here. Or people in general have bad credit. They abuse you as if it's normal as if you're supposed to know that they're not actually going to pay you back and even if I'm desperate and lonely or deprived that still doesn't mean I should take the deal because I want something that gives me something and keeps my sanity. It's better to keep my sanity and have nothing than have something potential that can steal My sanity. At least it feels that way. I won't have known that at the beginning because it seems like there's a bird in the bush but they almost never close. I was nothing ever closes and it's so much fucking work so I'm not like a Mgtow giving up. I never have been. It's more like in the details it's more like I'm marking things way down and expecting almost nothing but I still desire it. I desire as much as ever and I will pursue as much as ever but the manner in which I can pursue is so reduced with almost no expectation that it's almost worth going dormant like those animals that just stick around until something is right in your orbit until you can capture it right away without having to fish for it but that only applies to minnesota. If it was another city I might be different that's how I see things. And also I invented a concept of econosomatism. My properties are kind of an extension on me and they can draw from me in my energy. They pull my existential energy and give me financial return back when things are good at least and by itself that's a bad trade if I'm not getting needs met elsewhere. I'm unique in that I'm an individual with properties and individual real estate investor. I think most people have a wife who do this or a girlfriend.

As long as I can be in my body I can navigate anywhere but it feels like things are thrashing. One way they get me out of the body is through false promises. Another is by summoning me like work texts because I have to do that because I have a contract that I want to uphold with my tenants and with my employer. I tried to fulfill my contract but I don't want to do extra but that still pulls me out of the body because I'm renting myself like a prostitute perhaps or a mercenary. They can get me out of the body different ways but I don't want to be able to get me out of the body anymore. If that means I have to go into hibernation I have to go into hibernation. If I lay in the bathtub for 10 hours a day but I grow sharper mentally and I don't go insane and eventually I leave for a better place that might be worth it. I'm exaggerating but the point stands. I could drive to go to float tanks where it's quiet but even then I have to drive. Even driving can be kind of a pain in the winter. it's not that bad but it's still a challenge to continuity. I want things that are tried and true and reliable. I've always been adventurous and open and I will always try new things but what new things are there to try? Show me. I've learned that this place is not very giving and when it does give it gives falsely on credit and doesn't really give because it doesn't really close and I've learned in my one week in Austin as well as theoretically that it's just the environment. In other environments i can do all right, more than all right. I still think I'm neurodivergent and I still think that plays a role and I still think I connect even here really well with other NDs but that's the long and short of it it's still a deprived and deprivational environment here, a twisted ecology that has none of the pluses of any other place like New York or California for any faults they may have. This place is only faults. I guess there are pluses if you are the type that needs to be carried through life or if you are genuinely afraid of change or maybe if you want a family and the most boring ironic unauthentic life and you want to stay in your lane the whole life then this place might be for you and I'm not even judging that. I'm not even judging or looking down on those things. I'm just saying you have to reward the people who are different. You can't just steal from people like me steal my vitality dump on me dump on everyone transfer the load to the vital people but I mean in a way this is just bad luck and yes I do believe in luck. Anyway this is just bad luck from having been born where I was but I know I could also have been born in the Indian slums or any number of places can I still have a chance to get free if I can focus my efforts on doing so. Maybe I could put all my books in storage and even move to thailand. I met a guy who's been traveling for 6 years non-stop who's a digital software developer. He didn't like the term digital nomad and I don't want to do that and I could still win here by becoming financially free even by becoming more invested in things not necessarily in Minnesota but in Austin or somewhere. I could buy a small business like I went to the conference to learn how to do and get financial freedom and even get more investment in the place but I just don't want it to be Minnesota but even if it was Minnesota that could make me better off because it might give me more money enough to get my own house not a fourplex, enough for this and that but yeah there are different ways but I gotta figure out what is best. I have to use my body as a compass and not be thrashed around so much because that's what they do until a person resigns himself to the Fate but I don't resign myself and I stopped masturbating so the energy has to go somewhere and it goes so broad and wide and abstract now, it compasses the world because there's nowhere else for it to go it has tried all the remedial mundane and things and they worked in Austin but they don't work here so if I'm to be the reliable one I need reliable partners I have to screen for reliability in tenants and managers and I also need to be paid for it paid extra paid more of those are my conditions otherwise I'm just being used and I resist that and I fight against anyone who would use me or I leave them to their misery. In many ways it was maybe bad luck why I ended up here but there are other places I could have ended up too. The Journey to embodiment as well as embodiment linking to a culture or community or society that supports you is a long one. embodiment is individual perhaps but a greater embodiment the embodiment within a society which gives you credit and support is even rare and I think that was stolen from a lot of people maybe post world war 2 maybe when we started accepting new mythologies of men and women and started talking about privilege and oppression I don't know maybe - that's just a theory. In the work Crito, by Plato Socrates says he should give his life to Athens because they gave him everything. It gave him a wife and family and so on but what if it wouldn't have? What if he came from a broken place or a place where the broken social contractor or no contract at all? He used Socratic irony to unmask people but what if he came from a place that was full of irony itself or maybe Athens was but he is still willing to die for it when he could have escaped and the Athenians would have been fine with that it was written. They just wanted to save face and save their institutions of justice but he wanted to take the cup but what if things were different. Would he have gone along with it? Would he have found different arguments? What would he say about our society- that is Minnesota?

 

[archimedes]

I hope this current post is entertaining. It's meant to be both over the top and that of the most vital importance and a summary kind of take on things. There's no One summary that covers all of life but take it as an abstract over a slice of it

There's a war on the penis

I didn't say there's not a war on other things but there's a war on the penis, and male embodiment and male sexuality in general and through sexuality on the whole person.

His personality is supposed to manifest through curiosity and the kind of natural charisma and openness and outgoingness

But there's pressure downward and inward when an outward pressure is supposed to come from within. The libido is hydraulic Force but if we drain it we lose that Force and we mess up our reward system as well but don't feel guilty about it because guilt is its own type of complex that you don't want to feed. Guilt is like a complex that is more rooted in the spine in the sacrum and coccyx. It too is deflationary..

But there's a war

You think this is cringe?

That's actually an interesting word because cringing is what the body does when it collapses inward and I'm all about not collapsing inward. Even the word frame used to be about something physical the physical frame the bones and if you have frame you don't collapse

These things are all related

That's why there's a war against frame physical frame embodiment and it is centered in many ways around the penis. It actually wants to stimulate and activate it

It wants to do so to bleed it and to bleed the person.. of its vitality

It wants to tease it and it wants to lure it..

So that the person spends money and becomes docile or maybe there's no agenda for docility - I'm always careful to not be a secret conference room conspiracy because it doesn't need to be like that and so it probably isn't- but that's the gist of how it manifests

When was the last time you felt curious and able to express yourself not under pressure of judgment or pressure of time in a social environment? I thought not and if you didn't have time to do that you're probably in a good City or good environment

You maybe have a girlfriend maybe have a lot of girlfriends and that's wonderful but you maybe paid a price for them that wasn't necessarily required to be paid. Things may be more conditional than they have to be. You maybe didn't have to give up a part of yourself

I've said it before I'll say it again I'm willing to take on any load that someone will pay me the right price for but if not I'm going to go deeper into my body. I just read this article. I only rarely do read the ones that are suggested to me when I turn my phone on but this was about a 50-year-old manager who quietly quit 10 years ago and he still kept his job but he delegated everything and did the minimal amount of work and just like in office space the movie he started getting promoted and making more money and people told him he had management written all over him. He said he only did this after talking with his wife when he had enough money a couple million to leave and she advised him to just stay and so he decided to quietly quit. He wasn't going to be homeless.

That's fucking brilliant. It's an anecdote and it can be filtered but if there's any truth in it it says a lot about what can be the case

The world wants us to twist ourselves and to hustle but women don't necessarily want that from us

That's a big lie I think that the relationship between men and women is zero sum and what's good for us is bad for women. That's a big lie I think. I think another way of saying the truth is maybe what's good for men and women is bad for the corporation or any kind of power entity and what's good for any power entity third party is oftentimes bad for men and women as they can relate to each other

Women don't want us to be docile although they might take that over dangerous depending on the context. In any case there's a war on the penis and the world wants us to be in invisible prisons. It wants us to live in irony and always have to go through security.

 

[archimedes]

This is going to be a good one. Nothing like family eh? I don't particularly like riding so much or transcribing so much and I only really do it here but I got a fucking do something I got an externalize these thoughts I just have to. I don't know why. Life made me attractive and smart but it screwed me with relationships thusfar due to various things I've been trying to unpack

Well I don't talk to family that much but I talked to my brother earlier today and my dad just now. Let's go in reverse order popping the stack

Talk to him for 22 minutes. You know how if you listen to someone you can hear all their biases and the way their mind works even. You hear everything they assume and everything they project on you.

My dad who's done nothing although his grandpa was amazing was trying to give me real estate advice and in particular something of the discouraging sort.

I don't let him into my life often but when he visited he was ecstatic about my "success" in real estate in life which to be honest is very modest and he doesn't deserve any credit. I could be much farther if I had a father who was a little bit better. Honor thy father and thy mother the good book says

One good thing about his visit last year was that he introduced me to his cousin Sally. She poured us drinks and we all talked but my dad drink water. Well he brought her up this time. since then I've actually had drinks with her a couple times on my own she's that cool or that worth talking to so when he brings her up I know a thing or two about her. My dad has all these opinions about politics and religion cuz he's a Christian which is fine but he's not like other Christians because I know them and have gone to church and other ones like him exist too but he's not like all of them. He's not a man. He's not a masculine man but if you're a weak man you can stand back and not take the credit but he's also a busybody. It's just annoying. He's the runt of the litter but Sally has a son who's gay when my dad is trying to argue about that with her like what the fuck

So I realized just now that like religion attracts the weaker people and uses them as like a permanent standing Force for repetition. They're like signal repeaters. It's not even the doctrines or anything he has opinions on foreign policy and all that bullshit like who the fuck are you cuz you heard a story or something

Anyway I'm getting better at keeping them out of the sovereign space of my mind because they used to get into it. Now they just distract me and annoy me. I'm sure I have a little bit of respect for everybody so I'm sure have a little bit of respect for my dad but I do not have that much

My brother had called earlier on signal.

He wanted to talk about gold again

First you want to talk about girls and the cities he finds the best girls because I had said something about Austin and he's in the negative kind of space I'm in but he's not a thinker. He's not philosophical which is fine but he has these opinions on gold and stuff and 9/11 and all that stuff and he was one of the early proponents of that theory that's all I'll say. A lot of it makes sense that's all I'll saw but I'm trying to get on the bigger picture. When money was introduced to humanity it changed humanity. We've had to adapt to it but he just wants to talk about gold and 1971 and inflation and all that shit. I'm like I want to talk about so many other things urbanism industrial revolution all that stuff irony. Managerial Revolution. History coming to life in our own life experiences but he keeps it about gold but he doesn't stop talking. He doesn't let you change the subject. He asks rhetorical questions and then gives ironic pauses because you don't even have time to answer his question so he's lecturing you and he modulates his voice suddenly, going into like a hush tone or something all the sudden like my mom used to do but the thing is I'm not consenting. I'm not under his spell. I think he thinks or it seems like he thinks he's putting people under his spell and he's not going to stop until you have agreement. he's weird. He's repetitive he doesn't attune to people in conversations. I think if you're having a conversation with someone when two people have a conversation at first they come with different energies but then they entrain to each other but he doesn't do that. He needs to slow the fuck down but he doesn't slow down. Heaven help It if I'm like that I like to slow down and look people in the eye. Sometimes I get carried away but I try not to.

But the thing I realized is we were talking about girls for a second his topic and I was thinking he's supposed to be my ally. Nominally he's on my side but I was having a good thoughts before I was in the bath relaxing and all he brings his agitation. The person who's supposed to be on my side is actually friction. Same with my dad. Hindrance. The people who are supposed to be on my team are actually hindrances. My mom was too I think. My sister is pretty cool but she's much younger than me but I think she's burned out by them too. She doesn't talk to me that much anymore but she doesn't talk to them that much anymore either and I still think we see eye to eye and we see them all as fools

Yeah so basically I'm kind of an orphan. That's fine there are other orphans but it's important for me to say that because it doesn't look like I am so I have to recognize that I am in spirit if not in other ways. We're talking dimensions here. Yes I got food over my belly everyday and all that stuff and that's not nothing some people don't have that but you got to recognize things for what they are otherwise you keep going in loops right?

If attention is all you need or if attention is the most important thing than anything which takes attention is an enemy or a hindrance and how much worse if it's the people that are supposed to be your friend. Your helpers.

I have a few cousins who are awesome. They don't suffer from these insanities. Life is hard enough you know you have real threats and obstacles to attend to. Why do I need some internal hindrance or goddamn superego morality watchmen? It's worse than gay lol. I say that as a kind of facetious thing. There's nothing wrong with being gay and why would a real man even care if it costs him the attention and the approval of women but yeah these two clowns that call themselves family aren't helping themselves and they aren't helping me and they never have and I think I've always been carrying them in some ways and I want to drop them in some way at some point. To each according to their works. Huuu ahh

 

[archimedes]

This is My Idea overflow tank and I got some.

Calvin's Geneva and cromwell's England and other places to even communist Russia were bad places and I wouldn't be interested in living in them but I was thinking at least their society probably paired men and women and set them up for marriage and family which can buffer a lot of the oppression. I mean I think the cultures were oppressive but I don't know if they felt oppressive to the average man (or woman). Every time I say or woman I'm hearing the Monty Python voice in my head, so every time I say that I'm being a little tongue in cheek- if you know you know.

Anyway the modern society let's say post whatever post industrial revolution post enlightenment post capitalist managerial revolutions as well as the attention economy today these things dissolved the scaffolding. They didn't forbid marriage and coming together they just dissolve the scaffolding that made it probable-- so now isolation is the default state

And if isolation is the default State then that is not good but it is the default state for some. It was not the default state for me in Austin. I was living at a hostel but hey it's not just that. One needs scaffolding and this is both ambient cultural and that can change by City and even neighborhood or venue but it can also be individual.. one status station and work and so on so this generates inequality... An inequality of connectivity.