Kaidermans World

[Kaida]

I’m going to start a journal to keep me accountable and to document my journey. Wish me luck!

I wont take offense to any valuable criticism. All feedback is welcome.



About me:

HS Senior
Virgin
Only kissed 1 girl

I used to have terrible social anxiety and social skills when I was 14. I remember getting scared when any stranger would look at me or ask me a question. I used to be very quiet and not speak out, never disagree with anybody, and never have any goals other than being the best in my friend group at Overwatch.

I went to a very small and nerdy school with only like 500 students. Everybody was awkward and lame.
When going to other places, I used to be baffled at how conversations were made. I never knew how guys could talk to girls (or even other guys!) and actually make something happen with them, especially in school.

Now, I’d still call myself below average in all departments lol. But I’ve made some major, major improvements. Over the past 3 months I’ve been grinding even harder, and Imade a lot more progress than I made in the previous 8 months.

I know I will reach my goals eventually, but I want it sooner rather than later. It will all come together in Jesus name.


———————————————————


Current Weaknesses:

Approach/Flirting Anxiety.
- I can approach any girl and ask for directions or whatever (so its not just social anxiety) but its the flirting and escalating that gets me anxious.

Getting Complacent
- I realize that if I find a group of guy friends I value and they value me, I stop pursuing great social skills as much. My motivation drops. I combat this by moving onto a different group if I feel the current group “accepts” me so that I’m still constantly practicing and refining myself. Cant do this all the time tho



Moving things to the next stage

- So many guy friends around me I see talking with a girl for and they are able to escalate to the point of walking down the hallway with each other and texting and stuff.

Granted, most of them arent getting sex, and are probably working extra hard and giving up commitment just to be with the girl. So I don’t get too jealous. But still, I feel that if I could get a girls trust and investment like they have I’d be banging her. I just need to learn how to get that trust and stuff in a school environment.

Actually getting GOOD places to game
- A lot of the experts like Teevster said that even the really cool guys usually bang girls that are out of school and only bang 1-2 girls in school. They meet them through parties and cold approach and stuff.

Meanwhile, I dont have the invites or the means to go to parties (likely the best way) and I don’t have many cold approach locations that I could constantly pull from. I really only have the gym and that’s still a somewhat social circle environment. I cant go in guns blazing like I want.


Goal: Get to the point where I easily get respect from men and attraction from women and turning that attraction into something.

 

[Kaida]

Current Mini-Goal: Increase Sex drive so I am addicted and motivated to pursue real life women

Aug 14 2022 (5 Days NoF):



While doing my morning workout, I notice significantly more drive to finish. My rest between sets is WAY shorter, as I am finishing with 6-8 minutes left instead of the 14 seconds 2 days ago.



I have a stronger sex drive (not quite animalistic yet) and I am getting hard throughout the day.



Aug 25 2022 (16 days NoF):


I’ve just recently noticed that I’ve been on track with my goals A LOT longer than what I was when I wasn’t on NoFap. I’ve been able to focus on refining my social skills all day rather than before where I’d only remember it for like half a day and lose motivation.



My sex drive is now more replaced with a drive for women in general and not as much as just sex. I’ve been focusing solely on killing social anxiety and being loud, not maximizing my sex appeal yet.

Havent had a wet dream in a while either which is super weird.(probably due to my focuses at the moment, if I really want to I can up my sex drive) Edit: In one of my dreams I literally remember seeing porn on my phone but then saying no and turning it off.



Sept 29th - Oct 2nd (47 Days of Nofap)

I’m much more comfortable simply talking to women, but my sex drive feels like it pretty much isn’t there. I cant bring out a sexual state anymore. So I tried fapping once to see if I could revive my sexual state, but turns out it was a bad idea because I ended up binge relapsing like 8 times in the past 4 days.

This was the longest streak I’ve ever had of 47 days. Now I’m thinking that even though I had a super long streak, I forgot to repurpose that sexual energy into the girls of real life. That’s why my sex drive did not receive the boost it should have after almost 50 days of semen retention.
————————————————————

Granted, it is probably much harder to stay on NoFap if you’re trying to keep your sex drive alive without fapping. Its like blowing a balloon till it’s full, but never letting it pop.

Instead, what I did was just not blow at all and just let the balloon be limp. That must be why my sex drive was not where it should have been.


The best but not-so-easy way in my experience to increase my sex drive is to just have a sexual encounter with a girl. When I made out with that one girl, I was on 22 days on nofap - my second longest streak.

It was similar to this recent streak as my libido was there but not quite animalistic. Even during the makeout I wasn’t super excited sexually even though I really love touching girls.

But the days after the makeout, holy fucking shit. I literally felt like a horny gorilla. I was having blue balls in my room by myself just snapping girls.

At some point there were 3 girls who invited me over and my mind was going at mach 10 trying to find ways to get there even tho they werent even cute like that. My moves were much bolder as well. I ended up getting back into fapping and ruining the streak.

Time to start up again, this time I’m going to hold my sex drive at a high point but repurpose it into flirting with real women. It’s going to be much harder but I’ve gotta try.

I’ve just gotta convince myself that fapping = No pussy and Flirting and touching girls = Pussy. Time to work

 

[Kaida]

I need to get to the root of my inconsistency

There are some days I’m in a highly charismatic state. My flirting is the right mix of sexual intent, mystery, and validation. My body language is on point, and my mindset is strong. People notice and flock towards me, women begin asking me questions, offering to give me massages and throw themselves at me.


But there are some days (like yesterday) where my flirting is weird and off (no mystery / no sexuality / all validation) and my body language and mindset is not as strong. People are meh about me and women dont have as much attraction. Sometimes I’m even seen as weird/tryhard.

These two states of mine can gradually switch out multiple times a day. Its like theres something that shifts in my mindset that causes it.

Granted, since I’ve been focusing hard on socialization for the past ~5 months or so, my baseline has increased significantly. Even on my worst days now I’m better at socializing than I was on my good days back then. My days are more consistently good in general as well.


This weird inconsistency has a huge effect on my interactions. I know if I can get to the root of this I will be able to stay in my good state longer and bring my baseline up way faster.



The cause I think is most likely is that I’m simply not in touch with my emotional self expression enough. As of a few months ago my emotions were determined by the others around me.

I didnt even know what jokes I personally found funny. I would just laugh if I noticed others were laughing. I checked other people for cues on what emotions I should be feeling rather than what emotions I do feel.

And when I did feel an emotion I didnt express it in full in fear of offending people or being seen as uncalibrated or awkward.

(Its partly why I never understood people who said things like “I couldnt help it they made me mad”. To me it was so simple, just dont get mad in the first place)

I’m much better now. The thing I started doing that helped a little bit was really getting in touch with emotions and reacting to my automatic emotional response, so I get used to expressing my emotions confidently.

May sound a little weird to you guys who have been expressing emotion like this all your life, but an exercise I did was to watch funny videos and only pay attention to my automatic emotional response. If I didnt laugh out loud almost automatically, it wasn’t funny.

This seemed to help pretty well. I’m going to start doing that again.


Another possible cause is that I’m thinking in a “what do they like about me” way instead of a “what do I like about them” way.

90% of my focus now is going to go to squashing this inconsistency so I can speed up my progress.