Need some life advice (should guys settle)

uriel

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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459
And women are not men.
For those kind of questions there is no simmetry.
 

Will_V

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Jan 24, 2021
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I can tell right away two things:
- You have low self esteem.
- You don't understand a woman's perspective at all.

You must understand that to make a woman want you, she must FEEL things. To make her feel things, YOU must feel and express them. Intention, intensity, burning desire, relentless confidence, even happiness and rumbling belly laughter.

The reason you don't get AIs is because you are flatlining yourself, and flatlining your interactions. Women 'have to go' because they realize it's an exchange of pleasantries rather than a merry go round of emotions. Women revel in emotions, they are sucked toward them like a moth to flame. When they feel a presence that makes them feel something, they must know what's going on, and will give IAs to find out.

And the fastest way to make someone feel absolutely nothing when they are with you, is to have low self esteem. I know, because I was there for a good while.

I saw very little in your post about how women make you feel, what you wanted to do with them, and what you did with them on dates. You give information so broad it's like you only heard about yourself on the news or from some encyclopedia of male stereotypes. Don't operate on abstractions, operate on moment to moment successes or failures.

You must feel strongly about yourself, you must be the hero in your own story. Anger is better than apathy, and pride is better than anger. The world exists as a backdrop to your relentless drive to conquer it.

You value fitness? Screw any woman who can't keep herself fit then. Have standards and prefer your solitude to anyone who doesn't meet them. You see a banging hot woman? Throw yourself in there. Enjoy the pain of rejections from beautiful women the way you enjoy the pain of pushing your limits at the gym. There's always another girl, but the important thing is YOU, what you decided to do, and did.

I enjoy getting harshly rejected by a woman out of my current league way more than going on a date with some average mary who looks like she'd just wants a retirement plan. Getting rejected by a beautiful woman? I made her FEEL something, no matter how it went.

Youve done 50 approaches over 4 years? That's 1 a month, you didn't even start. Online dates, might as well pull the poker machine lever instead. You need to get out among the pigeons and make them flurry around a bit.

What did you say? How did you say it? Did you say it with your balls tingling, or with the sensation you just stepped off a 1000 foot cliff? Are you able to be present and fully attentive? Do you meditate? Do you know how to look into a womans eyes with desire rather than fear? These are the things that matter.

Everyone has to stop somewhere. But don't stop before your even start, if this is something that means a lot to you.
 

Starboy

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Messages
232
So the feeling that I am getting here is that a guy shouldn't settle. Is this really correct though? If a woman was getting a bit older and wanted to have kids and had the option to settle (for her less than ideal guy) then wouldn't many say that it is prudent for her to do so? Is there an analogous situation where a guy should settle? I'm just wondering if there are any examples of any guys who settled and things went well for them.

When I stated in the first post that I'm an unattractive guy, you shouldn't see it as me being negative but rather as a fact. It's a fact that I haven't been able to attract the women that I'd be excited to meet and so I'm unattractive by definition. It's not just an aberration; I have failed for multiple years and over 50 online dates so that's the only conclusion. I think that my voice sounds fine. I did some simple vocal exercises and then recorded myself speaking out loud for a few weeks and I can't hear any issues. I also use the old trick when going out that if you're not sure if your voice is sounding the way you want it to, just speak a little louder.

For CBT, I could have taken it but I was told that I didn't have any strong symptoms of any major mental disorder and so I could take it or leave it. I decided to leave it. Maybe that was a bad decision and I should go back.

So are you all saying that I just need to go out there for my approach sessions and suffer? Spend hours every week doing my approaches and in 1000 or so approaches I'll be getting dates? Is it definitely ok to continue approaching without getting any AIs? The worry I have is that there are guys who go for years with thousands of approaches and no results. But even worse is that if my approaches go well, it will be a date, and dates are an arena where I have already failed badly. I also don't want to grind myself down further. Every bad approach session is going to hurt. I can live with a bad approach session but what if I turn progressively more bitter and sabotage myself further? But I guess that I have to remember that game is a game of asymmetric returns and that he who dares wins, especially here.
If you're having problem with dates specifically I would recommend @Tony D date coaching. I did 6 sessions of me talking to girls and it has helped me tremendously. I sucked at the beginning and all I did was boring friendly nice guy convo. But Tony gave me feedback on what I was missing on my dates,what I could do better. Then towards the end I did a much better job,flirting,teasing making the girl laugh. Also he can help you with your negative beliefs and mindsets. If you've never spoken to him before you can do a free consultation this is his email endlessability@gmail.com

With regards to everything else you've said you shouldn't worry about "what if" in the future I go out and approach a lot of girls,but still suck. You are not there yet the only thing that matter is right now. The present moment. Read "the power of now".

You have a lot of limiting beliefs and mindsets and a limited sample size of approaching. I used to be like you. Wonder what if I put a lot of time into this and still suck and don't get better. This was a pointless way to think because I haven't put in enough effort to be concerned about what if the wheels don't spin when I do take action cuz I didn't even try before!

If you approach robotically over and over with negative belief thinking this girl doesn't like me,she'll think i'm weird/ unattractive then yes you can do 1000 approaches and make small progress. When I did a bootcamp my state was low at times because I would talk to girls with weak low energy and my coaches would pick up on that and tell me I need to change that and be more high energy/positive. When I made a conscious effort to change that I got better reactions and more hooks and some numbers.

You have to work hard AND smart. It's not enough to put the volume in you have to be conscientous of your behaviors,actions,microexpressions when you approach and identify where could my problem lie. How am I causing girls to feel when I try to talk to them? Is my vocal tonality soft? Is my body language too stiff or skittish when I approach? What can I do differently the next time to increase the odds I get a better reaction from the girl?

There are many variables to this so try not to overwhelm yourself. Just focus on one or two things to work on at most. For you it might just be getting into the habit of leaving your house a couple times a week to do a few approaches each day. Or approach 1 or 2 ladies everyday that you work
 

Beck Bass

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Mar 9, 2020
Messages
140
There's probably something very crucial about your body language or the way you interact with women that's screwing you over, and without an outside look from someone that can be (and need to be) real with you and knows what he's talking about (like a... COACH? lol) you probably won't even realize what it is, so I second @uriel 's advice. @Chase has talked before about how guys think they are doing everything right and wanna give up and then you see them live and they are doing something really simple yet important in a weird or just straight up terrible way.

Also your self worth seem to be very corroded, it's understadable that if you haven't ever got any results with women you would feel this bad, but it doesn't help you any. To be able to do it, you gotta believe you're able to do it, and with women and seduction, this is completely crucial; women change their mind all the time, they are risk averse and don't do much to lead interactions forward, so you have to be doing this, and in a confident way, you have to truly have the mindset that you are an amazing guy and this women you're approaching would be happy to have you in her life, that it would be a shame for you to not approach her, and you two not get together. But there's no way we can just implant positivity and hope into your brain, the only thing that can do that are positive results with women, and I'm sure if you get a good coach, he'll at least help get something...
 

J Wick

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Dec 25, 2012
Messages
658
I think you are also misunderstanding the difference between “to settle down” and “to settle for less”

Settling down is a personal choice to have a long term relationship with a woman and have a family.

Settling for less means dating women that you are not excited about or value much.
 

J Wick

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Dec 25, 2012
Messages
658
When I stated in the first post that I'm an unattractive guy, you shouldn't see it as me being negative but rather as a fact. It's a fact that I haven't been able to attract the women that I'd be excited to meet and so I'm unattractive by definition.

So are you all saying that I just need to go out there for my approach sessions and suffer? Spend hours every week doing my approaches and in 1000 or so approaches I'll be getting dates? Is it definitely ok to continue approaching without getting any AIs?
Being unattractive is not a permanent and unchangeable state. This entire website is dedicated to taking the unattractive and making him very attractive. It's negative because you've let that "fact" settle into your bones and now you believe it.

As for the second point. We are not saying to keep doing what you are doing, although putting yourself out there and making approaches is still going to be one of the main ways to meet new women.

We are saying that you are aiming all your attention at the wrong things. You need a serious shake up to get you doing different things, and you need to gain new perspectives and awareness about things you are currently oblivious to.

I'm not sure how to achieve that kind of thing over a forum, but I sent you a message if you want to take some extra help another way.
 

punishedsnake

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Feb 5, 2021
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I think you are also misunderstanding the difference between “to settle down” and “to settle for less”

Settling down is a personal choice to have a long term relationship with a woman and have a family.

Settling for less means dating women that you are not excited about or value much.
Yes that's right. I meant to say... "should a guy settle for less (if he wants to settle down and not stay single).

I'm sorry to say that I am sceptical of coaches now. My first coach was a scammer. Then I had a coach who cured my AA and helped me to learn the basic street approach. That was good. But all further coaching has just been myself out on a day or night game session with the coach just directing me to do approaches. I realized that I could get that service from a wing for free and have more fun that way too. None of the coaches seemed to notice anything immediately strange about my approaching or interactions.

I'm definitely not the best looking guy. In my country I'd be below average. But I don't want that to limit me. Or at least the feeling that I get from this thread is that stuff like that should not limit me.
 

Rain

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Jun 13, 2016
Messages
374
For approach anxiety, I had a coach tell me to approach and I found that I could do it. Then I approached with wings. I found that if I was with a friend approaching, the anxiety wouldn't be there. What really helped me was chatting to my wing about some mundane thing and then deciding to approach, pausing the conversation and then going so no time to think because you go from the conversation to your opener. If approaching alone, it's going to be tougher but there are many standard warm up schemes that you could use such as saying "good afternoon" to a hired gun, asking for directions, delivering a direct compliment and then finally doing a full direct approach. You might be a tougher case though. When I got approaching, it became clear that I didnt have any major social or approach anxiety.

Yeah I might be a tougher case!

I'm sorry to say that I am sceptical of coaches now. My first coach was a scammer. Then I had a coach who cured my AA and helped me to learn the basic street approach. That was good. But all further coaching has just been myself out on a day or night game session with the coach just directing me to do approaches.

Were any of the coaches above from here, or were they from another dating advice website?

I'm definitely not the best looking guy. In my country I'd be below average. But I don't want that to limit me. Or at least the feeling that I get from this thread is that stuff like that should not limit me.

This talks about how you might get knee jerk reacitons from women, eg by using direct approaches, but if you go indirect, you can get around a knee jerk reaction. Knee jerk reaciotn meaning something like.... she only dates tall guys and you're not tall, so instant knee jerk reaction. I can't comment I have not tried this indirect sort of approach myself.
Link from above
Its from @Gunwitch

Yes that's right. I meant to say... "should a guy settle for less (if he wants to settle down and not stay single).

I'm not sure. The quick/easy answer is no, I think someone above said if you settle for less, you might regret it and that's a very good point.

When do you say you tried enough though? Does a man need a "10" to be happy?

A friend I had in highschool liked the same women as me. But he married a fat chick. I asked him about this.... eg why her? He said "It's not about that". So he didn't like average women anymore? His tastes changed or did he settle? I never quizzed him on that. He has kids with her now.

Another friend, married a fat chick, Not sure he liked very similar like me and first friend, but he did point out an average chick that she was a bit cute and same with a an average/curvy chick[who I also thought maybe was a bit cute as well]. But yeah, he got with a fat chick and said "even though shes a bit tubby, I like her". She lost weight, and he has a kid with her now.

A story from a family member, she knew a guy and he married a woman, had a family. The man didn't find his wife that attractive, didn't think his daughters were that special either. He ended up leaving them. He told my family member that he got married to his wife back then because he "didn't think he could do better".

Also, if you look at shows like gogglebox.... there's all sorts of couples on there, or even just goto the movie lobby, a cafe, shopping mall, you'll see couples all around. I wonder, have any men/women settled like you say, settled for less? Because, well I think I'm very looks based, but looking around, the amount of couples despite not good looking women, I wonder did they settle or are the men wired not to go for looks as much as I do?
 
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POB

Tribal Elder
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Nov 13, 2019
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I'm definitely not the best looking guy. In my country I'd be below average. But I don't want that to limit me. Or at least the feeling that I get from this thread is that stuff like that should not limit me.
01: you don't know if you are attractive or not. Nobody knows really. Off course Henry Cavill and Chris Hemsworth are godly handsome, but I personally know some women who think they are too big, too tall or too white and would not fuck them. This is why you should maximize looks (ask for female and gay friends opinions, not guys) and never give a shit about what other people think about your appearance.

02: you are too focused on the results and not too focused on the process...the process is 1000% more important than the results....you should be anal about it. Like others said, 50 approaches is nothing. You should do 50 every weekend minimum for fucks sake. Even if you do online, numbers like 300 hits (or more) for each lay are very congruent with the current world state. Shit, if you think, super advanced guys almost never fuck the first chick of the first set. Why should this be different with you?

03: set up a funnel and work from it. Are you familiar with the sales funnel process? Just look at the image below:

















The same process applies to picking up women:
You get leads by approaching > you pitch the date > you follow-up and convert > you make the sale (sex)

Just stop looking at it from an emotional stand point and start to look for flaws on you funnel.
Write everything down and ask the right questions:
- "Do I have enough leads?"
- "Am I able to convert those leads into viable prospects?"
- "How is my conversational technique once I'm on a date."
- "How is my texting to set up a meet?"
- "Are my logistics in order (super important!)"
- "Once I'm isolated, am I getting LMR? Why?"
And so on.

Hope that helped.
(And please do not give up because my guess is you are on the brink to make major progress if you have the guts to keep pushing)
Best of luck.

POB.
 
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Aaron93

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May 18, 2021
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Why would you give up at only 50 approaches? Do at least 500 and then we can talk. Also someone said to put a picture of you and you didn't. If you're really serious then you should and accept all suggested tweaks. And don't worry about results, be in it for the feminine energy. Once you truly start to enjoy your interactions you'll definitely see a spike.
 
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