- Joined
- Jul 17, 2023
- Messages
- 63
Hey guys, I am posting after a while.
I hope to hear your thoughts.
People get angry about me not doing something that the other person expects.
This following conversation is not reality, but how I hoped it went.
Conversation:
I have asked for help from girl and she has agreed. Now she’s being bossy with me.
Structure:
Opponent does something I don’t like.
I say you’re doing X-Stop it.
Opponent starts blaming me.
I say it’s their responsibility to get what they want from me.
They try shaming me, blaming me-I’ll say no this discussion is over unless you have a valid point to add.
Then I want to continue my work, but the girl refuses to help.
I say: you agreed to help, and I need to get my work done.
The girl refuses.
I say: what’s happening here is that you’re punishing me for not accepting your bad behavior towards me. That’s not good. I think you should help me.
The girl refuses and I give up.
This part is tricky for me. A trauma I’ve overcome is withholding of resources in order to punish(even when the other person is wrong) or to control.
One thing that brought me peace is that I realized I can’t force anyone else to stick to their agreements even if I argue. I feel more powerless in the end if I argue because they don’t honor their agreement and it feels like I lost.
I don’t know whether to leave or not, because the majority of people I’ve met in my life are like this-and honestly, I don’t think I can actually increase by body count if I expect people to not be petty.
But I am aware if I stay the other person will treat me like shit from then onwards. Please advise.
Example:
Girl is using bossy tone.
Me: Hey, you’re using a bossy tone-stop it.
Girl starts using a high pitched voice: That’s because you weren’t paying attention to me when I called.
Me: It’s your responsibility to get my attention if you want me to listen.
Girl:Yes I did! I called three times.
(btw girls keep interrupting me while arguing-i have thought about drawing a boundary and saying if she doesn’t listen to my side i won’t listen to her-what are your thoughts?)
Me: I say it takes effort to do something. it’s still your responsibility to find another way.
Girl:Hey, I’m going to do what you do and I’m just going to sit here quietly and not talk to you.(tone is horrible and sometimes it hurts my sense of self to not defend myself)
I can do two paths:
One, draw a boundary.
If you choose to apologize for shaming me, I’ll continue to be your friend. If you choose not to, I won’t be.
Two
No, right now you are trying to shame me and lower my self esteem. this discussion is over. I don’t hold myself accountable.
When I ask for help and am told no or the conditions of the help change to make me more dependent on the person.
I say: Hey, right now you are trying to control my behavior because your actions show that only if I behave in a way that makes you happy at all times then I can get my work done because only then you’ll help.
Help me like you agreed.
I accept all advice.
SunnyVibes
P.S: I tried labeling her bossy behavior as blame shifting, because everyone is responsible for their own behavior.
But she insisted it wasn’t and argued. I realized I can’t name techniques the girl is using because they don’t understand. So I have to spell it out.
I hope to hear your thoughts.
People get angry about me not doing something that the other person expects.
This following conversation is not reality, but how I hoped it went.
Conversation:
I have asked for help from girl and she has agreed. Now she’s being bossy with me.
Structure:
Opponent does something I don’t like.
I say you’re doing X-Stop it.
Opponent starts blaming me.
I say it’s their responsibility to get what they want from me.
They try shaming me, blaming me-I’ll say no this discussion is over unless you have a valid point to add.
Then I want to continue my work, but the girl refuses to help.
I say: you agreed to help, and I need to get my work done.
The girl refuses.
I say: what’s happening here is that you’re punishing me for not accepting your bad behavior towards me. That’s not good. I think you should help me.
The girl refuses and I give up.
This part is tricky for me. A trauma I’ve overcome is withholding of resources in order to punish(even when the other person is wrong) or to control.
One thing that brought me peace is that I realized I can’t force anyone else to stick to their agreements even if I argue. I feel more powerless in the end if I argue because they don’t honor their agreement and it feels like I lost.
I don’t know whether to leave or not, because the majority of people I’ve met in my life are like this-and honestly, I don’t think I can actually increase by body count if I expect people to not be petty.
But I am aware if I stay the other person will treat me like shit from then onwards. Please advise.
Example:
Girl is using bossy tone.
Me: Hey, you’re using a bossy tone-stop it.
Girl starts using a high pitched voice: That’s because you weren’t paying attention to me when I called.
Me: It’s your responsibility to get my attention if you want me to listen.
Girl:Yes I did! I called three times.
(btw girls keep interrupting me while arguing-i have thought about drawing a boundary and saying if she doesn’t listen to my side i won’t listen to her-what are your thoughts?)
Me: I say it takes effort to do something. it’s still your responsibility to find another way.
Girl:Hey, I’m going to do what you do and I’m just going to sit here quietly and not talk to you.(tone is horrible and sometimes it hurts my sense of self to not defend myself)
I can do two paths:
One, draw a boundary.
If you choose to apologize for shaming me, I’ll continue to be your friend. If you choose not to, I won’t be.
Two
No, right now you are trying to shame me and lower my self esteem. this discussion is over. I don’t hold myself accountable.
When I ask for help and am told no or the conditions of the help change to make me more dependent on the person.
I say: Hey, right now you are trying to control my behavior because your actions show that only if I behave in a way that makes you happy at all times then I can get my work done because only then you’ll help.
Help me like you agreed.
I accept all advice.
SunnyVibes
P.S: I tried labeling her bossy behavior as blame shifting, because everyone is responsible for their own behavior.
But she insisted it wasn’t and argued. I realized I can’t name techniques the girl is using because they don’t understand. So I have to spell it out.
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