- Joined
- Apr 26, 2024
- Messages
- 31
Ho boy.
Yes, it's me again, after a month of some bad choices and lessons learnt. If you are curious about what happened before, search on my profile, they are the only posts I have (I am still gonna give a brief background description). I am writing this mainly for myself, cause I really need it. But of course you can shit on me for the choices made cause this was one hell of a ride (and the next few months are gonna be a tough lesson in acceptance)
A bit of background: I have a cute (virgin) flat mate I went on a date with. I had established myself as a player (which I am not, she was my first lay) but only got her to suck my dick before. In the last post I wrote that I was gonna end things with her, which I didn't because of my scarcity. So I went about the whole thing thinking with my dick and now I am here.
The predominant issue I was facing was behaviour born out of scarcity and insecurity as well as disingenious behaviour from my part. I felt relief when "ending" things with her, yet I still continued cause she was hot and available. She was the first girl I really "approached"/asked out in my life and she was hooked, which obviously I didn't want to let go.
I went into it telling her that I am not searching for a relationship yet I displayed heavy boyfriend behaviour. In the beginning it was to build comfort to be able to take her virginity. But it felt really nice once we slept in one bed a few times and felt a connection with her, so I ramped it up and began to call her things like princess, heavy talking about her being mine in dirty talk and outside of it. I took her virginity 2.5 weeks ago, after which I encouraged her fantasies of visiting her hometown, talk about a future together and plans for it. It was only ever theoretical but I know what I did.
[Interlude]
My insecurities with sex are a whole different can of worms, so I am just gonna put this section in here. When I took her virginity I tied up her hands and entered her from behind as I just couldn't enter from the front. I came after a minute or so because I was so excited.
One time after that I came multiple times, really fast as well. Showed her a vibrator and she loooooved it. I liked that she enjoyed herself but I also had massive insecurities because she laid in my arms while cumming on this vibrator without my involvement at all, me not being able to stimulate her and cumming early really often made me feel like a massive cuck. Here she was being excited about fitting a vibrator inside and telling me how amazing it felt while I was spent. She sensed it after a while and stopped.
I searched up on how to delay my orgasms and not getting excited, instead really being in the moment was a massive breakthrough the next (and last time) we had sex. I was able to last really long, but it was only a blowjob because she had a tear in her pussy from her first time which I said we should let heal. This brings me back to the FR.
[Interlude over]
The whole time I was doing this heavy boyfriend behaviour I was also flip-flopping like crazy, basically telling her every 2nd day that it's over, or that I am gonna keep things more casual from now on. She was always receptive and understanding but also more hurt everytime I did it.
The reason I was changing my mind every day was the disparity of me being insecure about her going out partying so much, but also being so heavily invested in her without official bf status and the behaviour which I expect from a gf (which she wanted but I didn't want to do the date-y stuff she proposed).
On one occasion she asked whether I wanted to really date, to which I replied that I liked to spend time together instead of impressing her friends. And that I'd let her go if she wanted to pursue smth. more serious. I'd be sad, but I'd let her go. What I really didn't have an eye for because of my huge insecurities was that she was hopelessly in love with me. Her investment was really heavy and I could basically do whatever I wanted and she still tolerated it. So the last few days that was what I realized, making me more secure in the relationship and allowing myself to be more genuine with her, stop flip-flopping.
But before that I would always point out how she was obsessed with me, not showing how much I cared for her myself out of fear that she still might cheat on me while partying. She always told me how she missed me, even after only being a night apart. We spent waaaaaay too much time together, sometimes whole days going by in the blink of an eye, but basically at least 3-4 hours a day, her cancelling on her friends for me way to often. This was while I was always making fun of her for being obsessed, often insinuating that she loved me. At one point she told me to stop playing with her in a miffed way. She threw me quite a lot of comfort tests I kinda nuked.
Unfortunately it all came back to bite me in the ass a few days ago, when I told her to come to my room after her class. She played coy a bit which left me without a lot of time with her. Originally planned to eat her out (to let her pussy heal for real sex) but I we just made out, with me telling her multiple times that sex isn't going to happen. She was miffed, as I knew she would be. I also didn't like doing it to her, so I told her I had to do stuff but would be coming back in an hour to finish what I started. She complained that I should have said "Sorry that we can't do it, I really want to do it with you" instead of my "Sorry that we can't do it, I really don't like doing this to you". I handwaved it away but I knew how pissed she would be.
On the way back an hour later I felt no attraction for her. When I got there she really wasn't in the mood either, resisting attempts to undress her, huge bitchfest. It was as if I had showed both our bodies how I wasn't really a man for taking her then and there. Later I had her in my room, her on the phone, dry as desert, me cumming while she is distracted on her phone. This mental block still persists, I don't feel energetic like before, like an asexual. So the last two days she wasn't into me sexually at all and I kinda also lost attraction for her. Didn't kiss me back, wanting to be alone (=without me). I still did all the comfort stuff but I hadn't realized that she was completely in auto-rejection.
Today it was like kissing a wall again, bone dry. I knew everything was going wrong, she was bitchy, I hadn't realized she had auto-rejected, Told me our time together is boring, no flirting at all from her side, but still open to hand-holding and cuddling. As I laid on her bed, confused, she prepared for going out to the club. Lace panties, push-up bra. It dawned on me, she told me she wanted me to leave. Hurt, no idea what to do, came back a few minutes later with the realization, got my stuff out of her room and told her it was fun while it lasted.
I am not going to pretend I am not a bit sad but also relieved. But my way bigger concern is how much she is going to fuck with my head in the months she has left here. The thought of her fucking other guys is making me puke, let alone the idea of her bringing them into our flat.
In the end I was still her first and she was mine as well. I learned quite a bit but I wish it could have been without the drama that is going to ensue. But I am preaching to the choir, you guys were the ones that warned me about it.
Cheers.
Yes, it's me again, after a month of some bad choices and lessons learnt. If you are curious about what happened before, search on my profile, they are the only posts I have (I am still gonna give a brief background description). I am writing this mainly for myself, cause I really need it. But of course you can shit on me for the choices made cause this was one hell of a ride (and the next few months are gonna be a tough lesson in acceptance)
A bit of background: I have a cute (virgin) flat mate I went on a date with. I had established myself as a player (which I am not, she was my first lay) but only got her to suck my dick before. In the last post I wrote that I was gonna end things with her, which I didn't because of my scarcity. So I went about the whole thing thinking with my dick and now I am here.
The predominant issue I was facing was behaviour born out of scarcity and insecurity as well as disingenious behaviour from my part. I felt relief when "ending" things with her, yet I still continued cause she was hot and available. She was the first girl I really "approached"/asked out in my life and she was hooked, which obviously I didn't want to let go.
I went into it telling her that I am not searching for a relationship yet I displayed heavy boyfriend behaviour. In the beginning it was to build comfort to be able to take her virginity. But it felt really nice once we slept in one bed a few times and felt a connection with her, so I ramped it up and began to call her things like princess, heavy talking about her being mine in dirty talk and outside of it. I took her virginity 2.5 weeks ago, after which I encouraged her fantasies of visiting her hometown, talk about a future together and plans for it. It was only ever theoretical but I know what I did.
[Interlude]
My insecurities with sex are a whole different can of worms, so I am just gonna put this section in here. When I took her virginity I tied up her hands and entered her from behind as I just couldn't enter from the front. I came after a minute or so because I was so excited.
One time after that I came multiple times, really fast as well. Showed her a vibrator and she loooooved it. I liked that she enjoyed herself but I also had massive insecurities because she laid in my arms while cumming on this vibrator without my involvement at all, me not being able to stimulate her and cumming early really often made me feel like a massive cuck. Here she was being excited about fitting a vibrator inside and telling me how amazing it felt while I was spent. She sensed it after a while and stopped.
I searched up on how to delay my orgasms and not getting excited, instead really being in the moment was a massive breakthrough the next (and last time) we had sex. I was able to last really long, but it was only a blowjob because she had a tear in her pussy from her first time which I said we should let heal. This brings me back to the FR.
[Interlude over]
The whole time I was doing this heavy boyfriend behaviour I was also flip-flopping like crazy, basically telling her every 2nd day that it's over, or that I am gonna keep things more casual from now on. She was always receptive and understanding but also more hurt everytime I did it.
The reason I was changing my mind every day was the disparity of me being insecure about her going out partying so much, but also being so heavily invested in her without official bf status and the behaviour which I expect from a gf (which she wanted but I didn't want to do the date-y stuff she proposed).
On one occasion she asked whether I wanted to really date, to which I replied that I liked to spend time together instead of impressing her friends. And that I'd let her go if she wanted to pursue smth. more serious. I'd be sad, but I'd let her go. What I really didn't have an eye for because of my huge insecurities was that she was hopelessly in love with me. Her investment was really heavy and I could basically do whatever I wanted and she still tolerated it. So the last few days that was what I realized, making me more secure in the relationship and allowing myself to be more genuine with her, stop flip-flopping.
But before that I would always point out how she was obsessed with me, not showing how much I cared for her myself out of fear that she still might cheat on me while partying. She always told me how she missed me, even after only being a night apart. We spent waaaaaay too much time together, sometimes whole days going by in the blink of an eye, but basically at least 3-4 hours a day, her cancelling on her friends for me way to often. This was while I was always making fun of her for being obsessed, often insinuating that she loved me. At one point she told me to stop playing with her in a miffed way. She threw me quite a lot of comfort tests I kinda nuked.
Unfortunately it all came back to bite me in the ass a few days ago, when I told her to come to my room after her class. She played coy a bit which left me without a lot of time with her. Originally planned to eat her out (to let her pussy heal for real sex) but I we just made out, with me telling her multiple times that sex isn't going to happen. She was miffed, as I knew she would be. I also didn't like doing it to her, so I told her I had to do stuff but would be coming back in an hour to finish what I started. She complained that I should have said "Sorry that we can't do it, I really want to do it with you" instead of my "Sorry that we can't do it, I really don't like doing this to you". I handwaved it away but I knew how pissed she would be.
On the way back an hour later I felt no attraction for her. When I got there she really wasn't in the mood either, resisting attempts to undress her, huge bitchfest. It was as if I had showed both our bodies how I wasn't really a man for taking her then and there. Later I had her in my room, her on the phone, dry as desert, me cumming while she is distracted on her phone. This mental block still persists, I don't feel energetic like before, like an asexual. So the last two days she wasn't into me sexually at all and I kinda also lost attraction for her. Didn't kiss me back, wanting to be alone (=without me). I still did all the comfort stuff but I hadn't realized that she was completely in auto-rejection.
Today it was like kissing a wall again, bone dry. I knew everything was going wrong, she was bitchy, I hadn't realized she had auto-rejected, Told me our time together is boring, no flirting at all from her side, but still open to hand-holding and cuddling. As I laid on her bed, confused, she prepared for going out to the club. Lace panties, push-up bra. It dawned on me, she told me she wanted me to leave. Hurt, no idea what to do, came back a few minutes later with the realization, got my stuff out of her room and told her it was fun while it lasted.
I am not going to pretend I am not a bit sad but also relieved. But my way bigger concern is how much she is going to fuck with my head in the months she has left here. The thought of her fucking other guys is making me puke, let alone the idea of her bringing them into our flat.
In the end I was still her first and she was mine as well. I learned quite a bit but I wish it could have been without the drama that is going to ensue. But I am preaching to the choir, you guys were the ones that warned me about it.
Cheers.
All of us here have memories that we cringe to think about, but they are also the most formative experiences. It's a long-term game of racking up reference points.
