The Transformation of the Jolly Rancher

[Gram]

I would like to lead off with just a general thank you to everyone on these forums.

The Chieftans and Tribal Elders who continue to jump in and help out the Rookies and Space Monkeys
The Rookies and Space Monkeys for the nerve to get on the forums and post their mistakes and reasoning
Everyone in between.

You are doing it and its inspiring.

I have read for the last six months and decided to jump into the ring. Everything I read makes sense on its own, but the system and the flow as a whole eludes me and I feel the need to consolidate.

This is my Journal, a place to consolidate.

My goals:
1. Transform the current me by integrating this knowledge (and there is oh so much!) so that my social interactions improve. I want to be able to seduce everyone around me - my wife, my friends, my colleagues, strangers I meet on the street.

2. Create polarity in the house and seduce my wife on the regular so we have more and better sex. I want to be so good at this that we both enjoy the seduction.

Here goes... the transformation of the jolly rancher.

 

[Gram]

If I had access to this forum when I was 16 my life would be much different than it is now. I look at all your young'ins on this forum and think "Man, the field is wide open for you. So much opportunity for seduction." And its true... its everywhere. Of course I didn't see this 20 years ago when I had the peach fuzz on my lip, but its true.

For those of you just starting out, my advice is to quit doing anything else you are doing socially and give yourself 12-24 months to fully integrate the learnings from this site into your life. It will pay you back in so many ways.

Not that my life is bad by any means but it could have been better.

I was raised to treat women with respect which translated to do what women wanted and always making them feel comfortable. Not very alpha and I always struggled with women.

I was always afraid of their judgement and the hotter they were the more anxiety I felt. Women were always happy to be friends but never felt the need to move beyond that. It's frustrating and today translates into nervousness around attractive women and successful people.

If you knew my background you would laugh as I have all the credentials of an alpha but I've lacked the mental.

That said, my wife is hot. We met in our 20's, got married shortly after, and now have two kids. She's reserved and busy and we only have sex once per month. Still I think there is a tiger in there and I aim to find it.

This Journal will be a place to organize my thoughts, to provide progress updates, and to try to make sense of this and to integrate into my life.

 

[Gram]

Starting status and progress so far:

Physical: I have lost ten pounds since Nov 2022 and now am aiming to reduce body fat. I am working on building strength with hopes the body looks better too. I would love to have beach muscle but more important to me is just being and feeling stronger. I am also working on my posture and trying to hold myself better. Head up, shoulders back.

Presence: I am working on my walk to be more natural. Slower, some swag. I see these dudes walk into the gym and I can tell right away that they just don't give a shit. They walk slow, tall, and just command the space. That's my goal. To that end, I am trying to talk less, smile a little less (I have been told my whole life I have a great smile), and generally be a bit more reserved so I appear a bit more mysterious and my smile is more a reward or a sign of acceptance, rather than me working so hard to show that I should be accepted.

Mental: The hardest part. It's just not there yet. I am in a spot between who I have been and who I want to be. Forming a stronger identity and living my life with purpose. I have been standing up for myself more and more lately. If my wife wants to do something and I don't want to do it, I now say "no" whereas before I would say "why not" and go along. Trying to create some demand and balance, and make her work for my attention. To that end, I am trying to get ahead of it as well and come up with ideas that I want to do and invite her along.

I have found she is most interested in me when I am doing my own thing, have my own life, focused on my own stuff. All those books about being an alpha male are right so going to practice that.

I want her to start chasing me!

 

[Gram]

The Curriculum

Step 1: Prerequisite to Newbie Assignment (June 2 ->
A: TRE, Mirroring, SECT

On Deck
B: Work through the Newbie Assignment (June -?)
C: Read the A articles


Authority...
Breaking Rapport & redirects (try to spice up the conversation)

 

[Gram]

Step 1 Update
A. TRE, Mirroring, SECT

TRE was good. It took a bit to get into but it made me realize that I am carrying a lot of stress around and that I need to find ways to laugh more and to relax, perhaps channel my frustrations and excess energy into workouts and other areas.

SECT - Speak Like a Lover, Eye Contact Until She Looks Away, Get Closer to Her, Touch Her

Going to try these things for the next few days and she how she responds. Also going to implement with people I interact with during the day and see how they respond. I'll update below.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Gram]

Random Thoughts

authority
techniques to learn: breaking rapport and redirect (to try to spice up the conversation)
Creating tension

Responses: Are we really going to get into these ... questions?

The line from the article is so good:
"The beginner cares what the girl is thinking.... The veteran cares about whether things are moving forward or not."

 

[Gram]

Step 1 Update
Been working on a few items (SECT, eye contact) and also just trying to build rapport with strangers.

Eye Contact - really focused on looking at her eyes, and focusing, listening to the conversation. It must be a change from how I normally looked at her because she said, as she talked to me, "Why are you looking at me that way?"

Me: "What way?"
Her: "I don't know, you are just... looking at me."
Me: "I'm just listening to you talk, and looking at you."
.. and the conversation keeps going. I don't think I was being creepy by any means but I was definitely looking into her eyes. It is a good focus point to make sure I am listening to her, rather than just hearing her.

Interactions - I have had a few interactions over the past week few weeks and I realize the important of finding people in relaxed positions.

#1 Cute mom with big stroller - She was waiting for someone but moving the stroller around as if conscience of how big it was. My goal was to open a brief conversation, nothing more. I opened with "Ah, that's a big stroller. I remember having something like that." She replied, "Yeah, its massive." and kept trying to move it around and out of the way. Two observations - (1) I said the obvious thing that made her think "no shit, Sherlock" and (2) she was busy and not open to a conversation. Either I could have let her go, or offered to help her out somehow.

#2 Bored waitress #1 - I realize that waitstaff, store employees, etc get paid to be nice to you but here was an opportunity to practice my conversation skills. No real opener since she was a waitress but she had nothing to do so I started to ask her questions which she answered. Seems really open to sharing about her life. Never asked a question about me. Eventually the conversation died and she went to to other parts of the restaurant.

#3 Bored waitress #2 - Almost the same thing as #1 except in this case I said "Hey, I'm just hanging out here, feel free to grab a chair and hang out." She said, "I have another customer who needs a drink" and she disappeared, and then quit her shift and I never saw her again.

A few observations about these interactions:
(1) Paid women will talk to you so long as they have to or need to but they are f*cking working and when they are not working you are not part of the picture
(2) Question and answer has always been my default style to show interest in someone and I feel like I am interviewing them. I think there are some articles and posts about this and I want to read them... that's next
(3) Along the lines of Q&A, I feel I have no magnetism or charisma. I do, but I don't. I want them to want to be near me, and if they are a bored waitress I want her to think, "Shit, I'm bored, I'm going to go hang out with that guy." So I see it two ways:

First, drop the Q&A and interview style. Use it as a way to calibrate to her but just enough to show interest.
Second, perhaps keep some Q&A but learn how to transition to a more interesting, fun way to talking, perhaps with varous "what if" gambits (sexual or not)
Three, just fucking how to be more alpha, less needy for her attention, and build the mystery so she wants to be around me.

Agghhh.... so much to learn! I wish there was a script I could follow, or some ten step process...

-----------
geez, I look at this post and the almost two weeks that have gone by and I realize that three meaningful conversations are not enough, and two of those with women who were paid to talk to me. i need to put myself out there more and be able to handle rejection. i'm afraid to fail! it's holding me back.

 

[Gram]

The Curriculum - update #1

Step 1: Prerequisite to Newbie Assignment (June 2 ->
A: TRE, Mirroring, SECT

Step 2: Observe and Magnetism (June 14 ->
Another twofer:
A. Observe, when are women most open to interruptions, men, me, or just generally... open
B. How to be more of a candle for the moth - more enigmatic, attractive...

On Deck
B: Work through the Newbie Assignment (June -?)
C: Read the A articles


Authority...
Breaking Rapport & redirects (try to spice up the conversation)

 

[Gram]

Fu**** (hits head against wall)... I just need to do the Newbie challenge, day by day... build by build and layer on the skills.

In my day-to-day life I am pretty good around people and often use indirect openings and humor to start a conversation with strangers. Waiting in line, bump into someone accidentally. It comes naturally and is pretty easy flowing. Yet when I want to chat with a cute woman, I suddently get serious, as if the stakes are rally high...

Monday I start Day 1 and go stake out some places

FRIDAY - All week I told myself I would just open any good looking woman that crossed my path and just help ease into things. Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Everytime I saw one I found some excuse why it wasn't right... she was busy, I would be interrupting, something...

Well on my busride home on Friday I sat by the window and a cute girl (mid-20's) sat in the open seat. Short shorts, t-shirt, sandals. I was doing something on my phone and she immediately pulled out her phone and put in her headphones. Honestly, I didn't care, and aside from noticing her getting on the bus I hadn't paid too much attention. Still, I thought, this is when I'm going to say something.

I noticed she was watching some video about the murders at the Idaho college and thinking I had an opening I kind of waved my hand/pointed at her phone and said, 'Nah, no good is going to come from watching that." She took off her headphones and looked at me with a "Yeah, I know but oh well..." look and I said "Is that a video about those murders?" She nodded and I said again "That can't be healthy to watch that" and she sort of laughed, smiled, and said "I don't know." and immediately put started to put her headphones back in, so I said "You should watch something happier" and she smiled, shrugged, and put her headphones in. #totalfail BUT BUT the beauty of this journal is that I can admit it failed, think about it, write what I learned, and then improve next time.

Some thoughts:
1. Her having her headphones in and watching a video is probably not the best interruption, but from what I've read on the forum, not impossible.
2. I have no idea why I opened with a lecture. I suppose I expected her to say "Why not?" or "Why shouldn't I watch this?" and that would spark a conversation about doom-and-gloom vs happiness, etc....
3. Not only do I need to work on more openers but I should visualize some opening "Hi. How's it going. <compliment> I'm thejollyrancher. Nice to Meet you" etc. I think visualization would help me a lot to get the nuts and bolts down and get over my fear of opening direct.

And probably more than anything, even though the result was fail, I kind of felt afterward "Oh well. That happened." and I moved on. If she was mad she went right back to her soma. And I just whipped out my phone and got on with my day. The actual consequence was much much lower than what was in my head, if there was a consequence at all. So boom.

 

[Lobo]

Good stuff putting yourself out there in those uncomfortable situations. The more you experience it, the less uncomfortable it will become.

I saw that you wanted to have more sex with your wife, and with the once-a-month thing, i'm assuming it's a frame issue(but I could be wrong you would know more about your situation)

The best way to win the frame, to essentially be the "prize" in marriage is to have the girl think you always have options. Now, in marriage this is obviously tricky to do unless you're totally ok with fucking chicks on the side(up to you). But what you can do, is talk to girls in front of your wife and even be a little flirty.

The key is to is to have other girls attracted to you, which could make the wife reframe how she sees you. The problem with all of this though, is that unless your intent is on actually fucking these girls, it will be difficult to put on any real seduction.

Your desire to have sex with the girl you approach is incredibly strong if you demonstrate it with a sexual vibe. If your goal is to have nice and friendly chit chat with the girls, I actually think the best way to do it is if you subtly signal through your vibe that you want to fuck them. Calibration is key here however even when opening a set, you can inbue the interaction with sexual vibe through your relaxed, bedroom-like eye contact(make her look away first, and then you can look away after), a sexual tone of voice, and even the words that you use in the interaction.

for example, on the topic of death, you could say.

"you know whats interesting...(pause to get her attention, it's a dominant, high value move to do this and girls respond very well to it)
Death, while it frightens us, at the same time... it also forces us to truly live. We only get one shot at this life, one shot to live it to its fullest... one shot to, hell... talk to a stranger on the bus and see where it takes you because... we only get to live in this present moment, and the worst that could happen... is that you end up regretting never doing that one thing you really wanted to do (subtly point to self). So i say... just do it"

something like that, you could take it in any direction you want. The goal is to steer the conversation into seduction-friendly topics. Notice how with this you move away from death(which is a bad topic as you saw) and move it towards living life to its fullest without any regrets. From here you could talk about connecting with others and how when you meet someone you really like, connecting with them feels like it happens instantaneously. From here you can talk about how this kind of connection feels like - the passion, electricity trickling through your spine yada yada (keep in mind, the words you use will have a direct impact on what she feels herself, and girls really like it when you make them feel things)

or go into a convo on losing your inhibitions, and really allowing yourself to enjoy each moment to its fullest because... you never know when it's going to be your last.

Or take the topic to all the incredible adventures one can have in life, from traveling to exploring different cultures and different parts of yourself that you never knew were there. Or how, when you meet new and interesting people(point to yourself) you tend to learn new things from them, and you might even find yourself doing and experiencing things you never thought you could do, and while it might feel make you feel nervous, there's a part of you that's buzzing with excitement, eager to see what new things you might experience.

You could take it many ways, the gist of though, is that you strategically direct the conversation towards topics that lead her mind into areas where it's ok to get fucked by a stranger or to form rapid connections with you. And here's the thing, chicks LOVE when people talk like this. It makes them feel a lot of things, and girls love to feel.

When you start to think in frames, and what the implications of your words are, a whole new world will open to you, and you might even be able to subtly win back the sexual prize frame you have with your wife.

With sex once a month, it's clear you currently are not the sexual prize. That's ok. Dwelling on this won't help, however, if you go out onto the field with the intention of having sex, and emitting a sexual vibe, I can guarantee that you will slowly win the frame back.

But also, this might be because I just view things differently or I'm too young to understand, however, why are you still with this girl, at least with your current setup, if you are unsatisfied with your position in the marriage? Sex one time a month seriously hurts your frame, and especially since to her, you seem ok with it(as you haven't threatened the relationship in any way)

One of the reasons why fucking another girl would be valuable, is because it would give you leverage in a way nothing else could. However, obviously, if you cant keep it on the down low, and believe that would totally kill the marriage/ruin the family and that's something you prioritize, then don't do that. I just bring it up, because this is the easiest way to win back frame, and if you want to get good at seduction, you need to want to fuck the girls you talk to.

There's also the thing of "that one special girl." If you're goal is to be less "needy" then the easiest way to do that is to not need the girl at all. Right now you need the girl for sex, so those needy vibes will never go away. If I were you, I would stop initiating on her so that you give her the opportunity to chase. If she doesn't chase, then you should really consider fucking other girls as that's a strong sign of disinterest from her. Read this to learn what to do if you get caught

As a man, your strongest asset is your attention. Giving your attention to women who aren't sexually complying not only makes you look weak as it shows that you cannot get what you want, but it also rewards the woman for not doing what you want her to do.

Essentially... give less fucks about the relationship than she does. Perhaps consider taking a break from the relationship.

I hope this helps

 

[Gram]

@Lobo I really appreciate the words of wisdom and perspective. It is a lot to unpack (and I will) but you hit on the core issues that have been bouncing around in my head:

1. Keep failing and it will get easier to not fail
2. Frames frame frames
3. Reframe my relationship (and generally relationships) so I am prized
4. If I am not prized, move on, make the relationship open, etc... find a way to get what I need.

One of the most important things you said in there, among many gems, is "Sex one time a month seriously hurts your frame..." I have felt the alpha male / polarity missing from the dynamic, and this is what I am trying to reclaim. So in some ways I am doing double duty here... and that makes me more comfortable with the challenge... learning seduction while also making myself the prize in a low-value environment. Totally doable.

You are correct that it is complex with a family, marriage, and the many many benefits of this structure (there is a reason so many people are coupled) and I don't want to go outside the marriage. I think under this woman's (and every woman's) shell is a tiger.

As for thinking in frames, it is still foggy but I think I am starting to see it... just need to practice.

No Frame: "Those are nice shoes."
Frame: "Those are cool shoes. You know what I like about a great pair of shoes? They just give so much confidence and make me want to go out and explore, have adventures, see and do things I've never done before....."

Lots to consider but today is Day 1 and I'm at location one, so here we go. Thanks again for the good insight.

 

[Lobo]

Yea totally man. Not all paths in seduction are the same and it is ultimately up to you to decide which one you want to take. What's important is clarity.

I think under this woman's (and every woman's) shell is a tiger.

I agree 100%. A lot of this has to do with your own baseline attractiveness(not just looks but also fundamentals like clothing style, voice tonality(this one is huge for passively arousing girls), and even things like your eye contact(bedroom eyes) and mannerisms(slow movements that follow law of least effort. ALL of your interactions with women should obey the laws of least effort). All of these bundle into one sexy ass motherfucker. I promise if you do something like the bedroom eyes and a sexy voice(and also don't crack under the tension this produces) that you will create a male/women dynamic with your wife. You create tons of sexual tension holding strong, sexual eye contact(bedroom eyes) that she will have to become somewhat submissive and aroused by you.

On the other side of it, you also have the beliefs(ie frames) that women have around sex. Many see it as a chore they have to do once a month to keep their partner happy. Obviously, viewing anything like a chore will make it less enjoyable for you regardless of what it is. Some women feel shameful for having sex, others think that its impossible for women to enjoy sex or orgasm from it. If you were to instead reframe your wifes beliefs towards sex to instead focus on the positives, you will find it very helpful to your goals. Consider reading some sex talk, here is a primer.

No Frame: "Those are nice shoes."
Frame: "Those are cool shoes. You know what I like about a great pair of shoes? They just give so much confidence and make me want to go out and explore, have adventures, see and do things I've never done before....."

Both of those are frames. Frames are interchangeable with beliefs, opinions, worldviews, perspectives.

They are literally how we see the world. Now... imagine the sort of power you would have if you could literally change how someone sees the world.

That is called frame control.

It is the difference between the guy that tries to fuck a girl, and getting told "I'm not feeling it right now" and a guy that doesn't even have to try to have sex, his women simply want it.

To go a little more specific, the girl in example A views sex as a chore or may even feel slutty for doing so, so she doesn't view it as desirable(although i do not think your wife finds it slutty as you are married, just using this as an example of common frames that prevent sex from happening)

The girl in example B views sex as incredibly enjoyable and may even be grateful that her man has taken the time of day to fuck her. She sees sex like a way for her to explore her body and all the wonderful sensations it can produce. She gets excited just thinking about it, and even gets a little wet thinking about the last time she was fucked by her man. Sex is one of the best parts of her day.

Now... totally different perspectives towards sex, and because those perspectives(frames) are different, the two girls have completely different attitudes towards sex.

BUT

Who is right here? Is sex a chore, or is it incredibly enjoyable? Which perspective is the TRUTH.

Well, the strongest belief, the one that is believed in more, is ultimately the way reality is viewed, and is therefore, "the truth".

Most things in this world are frames. If you want to go off the deep end, one could argue that even your baseline senses... vision, hearing, taste, touch, and smell are merely a perspective given to your brain by your body. I can guarantee that you don't sense the world the same way another animal does, or even the same way you did as a child or will sense it when you get older. Whose version of the world is accurate?

The strongest frame always rises to the top. So at the end of the day, if you control the frame in your interaction with someone, you will also control the outcome.

Frames, and controlling them, are the most important skillset you can learn in seduction(and I'd even say life in general. The most powerful people always have strong frame control)

If you deeply understand frames and how to subtly manipulate them, you will be able to influence your wife's perspectives towards sex. If you deeply understand sexual tension, and how to create it in a calibrated way, you will make your wife horny for you. Oh and btw, both of these things are incredibly dominant to do.

edit: real quick some easy things you can do based on the numbered list you put there.

1) just keep going lol
2) write down the beliefs you have and also write down the beliefs you think your wife has based on her behavior. Frames create behavior, so for most people, analyzing their behavior leads you to their frames. you don't have to be right, this exercise will just get you in thr habit of thinking about it, and that's where the growth happens.
3. This comes from combining all the things I've mentioned/ what's on this site. Keep in mind, the frames that exist in any interaction are the products of the frames of the people in that interaction. In other words, her behavior has an impact on the Prize frame of your relationship.
4. Making the relationship open may or may not help you. If she's fucking another dude, your position becomes 1000x worse as having your dick inside of a chick rewires her brain on a fundamental level and changes her investment level towards you. this is why its important to fuck your chick. The only way this works is if you can fuck other girls, but she's strictly loyal to you, which requires immensely strong frame control, as well as the prize frame in the relationship.

And on that topic, i remember reading that you said your wife is hot. Keep in mind... the words you use have an effect on how you view the world(your frame). I bring this up because men who are the prize in the relationship view their women as attractive, but not irreplaceable.

I want her to start chasing me!

Desires typically come from a place depravation. To want something is to not have it.

A man with that has the prize frame in a relationship, operates from a place of abundance. He knows that if this girl doesn't treat him well(comply), he could also find another of her caliber(or even greater).

By saying you want this, you are communicating to yourself that you are not the prize, and this will find a way to ooze into your interactions and negatively effect your overall frame. Just be mindful of the words you use... the thoughts you think... and the things you want. You dont need to get hyper obsessive over everything you do, but just make sure all of these are in support of your ambition.

for example,

i'm afraid to fail! it's holding me back.

Is that the full truth?

Wouldn't it be more accurate to say: "i'm currently afraid to fail. It's currently holding me back" since it is something you will improve on.

Also

Going to try these things for the next few days and she how she responds

I hope you are looking at her compliance levels and not her reactions. Reactions can be deceiving, anyone can pretend to smile, anyone can pretend to give you attention.

But you can't easily fake compliance. Is she following your lead? Doing what you ask her to do? Allowing you to sexually escalate on her?

Focus on compliance.

 

[Gram]

@Lobo you drop truth bombs and I have been thinking long and hard about the words I choose and their impact. Deep, fundamental stuff.

Speaking of fundamentals I have been working on them all week, especially posture and now turning towards tonality, voice, and eye contact.

Good progress on the Newbie assignment though in a somewhat scrambled order. I found my four venues and I did two cold approaches on the running trail with women walking their dogs. Short conversations that were a ton of fun. Because they were deliberate I was much more observant of my actions, which directly relates to the continued tightening up of the fundamentals.

Will write more soon.

Every day feeling more like the sexy ass motherfucker I am.

 

[Gram]

A lack of writing but no lack of progress and focus. My focus in the last few weeks has been on overall mindset and fundamentals - primarily voice and posture but also minimal effort.

Mindset - I continue to think about the need to choose my words carefully and how that leads to a more deliberate way of living, that is having presence of mind and slowing down to ensure I am fully immersed in my interactions. Based on recommendations on these forums I have been reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and it has really helped on three fronts - (1) helping me focus on and enjoy the present (2) discarding the bricks in the wall built from my past that prevent me from being fully present (e.g. artificial and unnecessary defenses) and (3) ignoring the projected future, again so I can enjoy the present.

I have been wrestling with the idea that while I need to not care about the outcomes I should be aware of what I am doing so that I achieve my outcome, an apparent contradiction. However, it recently has dawned on me that the journey itself is the present challenge and that outcomes will (or won't) follow, but likely will if the pieces are in place. So... I am really enjoying the present challenge, especially knowing that it is part of a system of self improvement.

Fundamentals - Voice - this one has been really interesting. I am not sure anymore what is my "natural" voice and I may have been inhibiting it over the years. I have found a deeper chest voice but it may be too deep. It has a nice purr but can be airy at times (perhaps from an unused diaphragm) . When I first found my chest voice and starting to talking to my lady, her immediate respone was "Your voice is so deep." Lots and lot of YouTube videos on this and I continue to experiment with different voices. This has been fun to think of my voice as an instrument and to improvise with it jazz style.

Fundamentals - Posture & Minimal Effort - every day I hold the Superman pose for two minutes (hands on hips, chest out, chin level) and this really sets the tone for the day. I am sure it has been exaggerated a bit but it is always easy to dial it back and relax a bit more. With that feeling I am deliberately walking taller and slower, letting my shoulders swagger a bit as I go towards minimal effort. The feedback on this has been really great and encouraging, and honestly, it has been nice to just slow down and enjoy the walk rather than hurrying to my next task.

The interconnectedess of all this is amazing. By slowing down (read above posture & mindset) and focusing on the present (read above Mindset) I notice more around me. When I am walking tall and slow, with eye contact (that is next on my fundamentals list), I notice that I get a look from the ladies I pass - and all types including some high caliber HBs. Sometimes it is an obvious eye gaze and sometimes just a quick side glance from them as I pass but a look nonetheless.

Next Steps - continue with the three above until the feel more comfortable and natural. Starting focusing on eye contact more. I am also starting to think my social skills - traditionally I have been the guy who either (i) gets a quick joke in to make others laugh or (ii) deep dives into intellectual topics. I am thinking about expanding the arsenal to include (iii) building mystery and tension and (iv) being more goofy/fun, so that I can move my interactions into a world of present-focused joy and pleasure.... it is a bigger topic and shift that I plan to give more thought and attention to as I clean up the fundamentals.

 

[Gram]

After observing more of the people around me I am realizing how important state is for people. If I were single I think I would be predominantly daygame and seeking out situations where women are relaxed and comfortable and therefore more open to approach. I like the challenge, think people are interesting, and all-in-all it seems fun. Within that, each approach would be adjusted to the venue's state - a dog park has a very very relaxed state, coffee shops have a relaxed state, but are also purposeful - and within those states are kind of micro states. At a coffee shop there is a state while waiting in line, a state while waiting for the drink, a state (or various states) while sitting at a table. It must be similar throughout the day, states on way to work, lunch, during work, way home, etc...

I imagine the states are on a spectrum of variables: wandering vs goal-driven, center of attention vs wallflower, displaying vs camouflaging, unique vs routine, tiring vs invigorating, and I am sure the list goes on.

As I write this I recall reading some articles about matching a girl's state, or pacing her reality.

This one came up on search:
https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-calibrate-your-openers-her-situation

One of my recent approaches was while out running (no shirt, aye!) on some new trails and I genuinely wanted to know where the trails led. On the first loop I passed a cute girl walking two dogs. She had a green T-shirt with a funny saying, and as I passed her on my second loop I stopped.

Me: "Hey there. How's your morning going? <pause, and she looks at me.> I have been running this loop but was wondering where these trails went back there.... "
Her: "Oh, yeah. Did you pass me earlier?"
Me: "Yeah, over on that hill. I recognized your green shirt."
Her: "Ha! Yeah, this is a great shirt. I stole it from my brother."
Me: "Awesome. Yeah, that shirt is hilarious. Definitely worth stealing."

[Face palm: In hindsight I wish I would have started to tease her a bit with something like. "Oh, wow, a thief. Did you steal those dogs too?". I think this would have made the conversation more fun and less interview/technical.]

And then she and I continued the conversation about the trails. She was fairly open after that and relaxed.

Her: "And the trails goes back there... and over there..."
Me: "Very cool. Thank you. I really appreciate the info."
Her: "Yeah, no problem. Have a good run."
Me: "Thanks, and have a great day."

Going back to state, she just seemed super-relaxed, out on a walk, and I didn't completely jolt her out of some goal-driven activity. This was a few weeks ago and at that point I was not thinking about slowing things down and observing. Had I done that I could have talked with her more, deep diving, teasing, so will think about those transitions.

 

[Gram]

The coffee shop is one of my four venues from the Newbie Assignment, which for me means that coffee shop = on. Yesterday morning I sat at a small table facing the door with my laptop doing some work. Out in the parking lot I see a car with out-of-state plates pull up and out steps a tall brunette completely dolled up with a flowery sun-dress, high heels, lipstick. Just killing it.

I assume she is coming into the shop (otherwise empty) and so I sit up and focus on my laptop. Goal is to be anti-social, not gawk at her. Let her see me.

She comes in, gets a coffee, and then sits down at the table in front of me, facing me. I want to say something but AA sets in and I start to think "What's the point?". Then I remember what I read over on @Space321 's journal (from Zan Perrion) that "beauty should be appreciated", which is a great mnemonic for remembering that even hot women should be approached. And in this case, a good looking woman with a wedding ring.

At this point, I actually needed to get going so I quickly run through my opener, pack up and get up to leave. As I walk towards her I see she is looking at her phone (who isn't?) so I stop next to her:

Me: "Excuse me." <she looks up>, "I just have to say, your dress looks great."
Her: "Oh. <big smile> Thanks! I was going for a summer look."
Me: "Well, you nailed it."
Her: <big smile #2> "Thanks!"
Me: "Well have a good day."
Her: "Yeah, you too".

So that was exhilirating, and really fun. Just feeling confident enough to approach a beautiful woman is such a good feeling. Some lessons:

1) Going to remember that beauty should be appreciated. Always.

2) I really like this thread on the forum for Openers and am kicking myself for not using it "Excuse me. Can I compliment you on your style?":
https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/excuse-me-can-i-compliment-you-on.27715/ Going to brand this on my forearm so I don't forget it. (h/t Ronnie)

3) Slow the f* down... be present... look her in the eye to build some sexual tension. I have no idea why I was so fast. Probably nerves and uncertainty how she would react. I'm overly simplifying, but I read some 60YC that sexual tension is built through not giving in to the awkwardness of focused attention - close proximity, eye contact, no words. Her reaction was so positive... and if her reaction was "oh creep" then I could have just exited the same way... so Lesson #2 is to slow down, observer her reaction... talk to her. Let the tension build and be IN THE SITUATION so you can react.

4) Don't forget about state. Why was she in this empty coffee shop? Why was she so dolled-up? Why out-of-state plates? I mean, I could have done a cold-read just trying to answer those questions. Excited about a job interview in a new city so looking like $M? Excited about a new adventure?

But those are the lessons learned - beauty, can I compliment you on your style, slow down, think about her state.

Glad I stayed anti-social and didn't make eye contact when she came in. I think it showed I wasn't needy, and influenced her sitting directly opposite me (in an otherwise empty coffee shop).

 

[Gram]

Been a slow few weeks here, and honestly need to pull myself out of do-loop with my past behavior. It is so easy to slip into old habits.

I am really focusing on my fundamentals - voice, posture, and relaxing, law of least effort. I have not had any external validation lately but I am feeling like I am closer to my better self.

Today I talked with a hired gun at the register. Hired guns are off the newbie list (they have to be nice, right?) but what was great about this conversation is that is just flowed naturally and I felt no need to exit the conversation despite a line of people behind me. I complimented her on her necklace, said it was really cool and we talked about where she got it etc. I just kept asking questions and she showed me her other jewelry. At one point I was touching her wrist to examine a bracelet. So the thought of just going slow and enjoying the conversation all played out.

My next focus is on becoming a more sexual male. I have been "friend zoned" my whole life and I am starting to think it has been part of my desire to please and to be accepted. I have never been comfortable in tension so have always diffused it quickly - hence thejollyrancher. I want to move past this... not to a more selfish rancher, but to someone more comfortable in tension and in my space. To give myself freedom to control the situation and the outcome. Hard to put into words on this one so will give it some more thought. But overall the whole reason to become a seducer - to understand the social dynamic, to be comfortable in it, and to influence the direction it goes.

 

[Gram]

Tonight we had a company happy hour and I met and mingled with some colleagues I don't normally see. Different departments, etc. A few observations regarding my general social game:

1. I will work on a warm-up. Nothing crazy but something to get myself into the groove and set all the fundamentals. Perhaps a mental checklist to work through, may be a mantra to get some social rhythm. It probably goes:

Posture Check
Voice Check
Sprezzatura
A few basic questions and ideas on current events
"Beauty should be appreciated"
Enter...

2. I'll post this question on the Beginners but I would like to improve my mingling, specifically how to exit a conversation gracefully. When I am in a social circle and want to get social momentum, I seem to get stuck talking with someone who is NOT the person I really want to talk to. How to exit gracefully, leaving them wanting more, and building social momentum for the next conversation.

I am not often in these social circle, mingle situations, but I feel there is so much social validation that comes from them, especially with new people, I feel that it is foundational to good game.

 

[Conquistador]

If I had access to this forum when I was 16 my life would be much different than it is now. I look at all your young'ins on this forum and think "Man, the field is wide open for you. So much opportunity for seduction." And its true... its everywhere. Of course I didn't see this 20 years ago when I had the peach fuzz on my lip, but its true.

For those of you just starting out, my advice is to quit doing anything else you are doing socially and give yourself 12-24 months to fully integrate the learnings from this site into your life. It will pay you back in so many ways.

When I read that, I realized that despite all that I’ve done in the past 9+ months, my mentality is only part of the way to the end goal.
There is a massive difference between being non-needy and outcome-independent, and an abundance mentality. E.g. abundant man is able be dominant and effortlessly control frames, while the first guy has fewer options, such as not reacting to bait, or nexting.

 

[Gram]

I had a second meet-and-greet at the end of last week, this time to meet some new parents at my kid's school.

Something pretty amazing happened.

I have been taking some AT to work on posture and presentation and it is pretty cool what can be done when the focus shifts from work to awareness. I have always worked to stand up straight - puff out the chest, get the head high - work. The approach from AT is to be aware and make adjustments.

She talks about it here:

Now I am still working on a few things BUT one of the things my AT coach discussed was relaxing, standing relaxed, and not putting so much effort into holding an upgright posture. He said that people are actually more comfortable around you when you are relaxed and comfortable, and he helped me find ways to balance my head over my spine, to stand up straight, and to not work so hard.

Back to the meet-and-greet. I stood relaxed and quickly started to chatting to someone. Another couple came into the conversation. Then another parent. The couple left... I never moved. Throughout the evening people came to me and our social circle. Sometimes people would leave to go to talk to someone they knew. And othertimes new people would enter the group.

There was none of the awkwardness of how to exit a conversation.

Mentally I was in a good spot. Not working too hard but being aware of my body. I often repeated my mantra of "I don't need to be working so hard." Physically I was relaxed had my head back, chest open, with good deep breaths. If I started to slouch I just repeated the mantra and moved back into a supported position.

It is the first time this has happened to me. Normally I'm quite concerned about mingling and making connection with people. This time I just focused on being relaxed, balanced, and unconcerned, and look what happened.

Pretty cool.
TJR