Zphix said:Depends J, what message are you trying to convey in your text?
Like "you sure have a funny way of making plans. It's cute though "?
Next afternoon I text her like I would any other girl. She's 26 years old, but while texting her I'm wondering about her social savviness because she seems to be really flighty and she jumps from subject to subject just saying random ass things. Anyway, to close out our initial text convo- I ask her out. My text is this: "Well hey, let's grab some food sometime or a couple drinks if you're down! " and she doesn't respond until the next morning. Her response, though, is a big sprawling text telling me about visiting her mom next month in Idaho, and ends with "Yeah, that would be great. What do you have in mind?", which is weird because I told her exactly what I had in mind (dinner/drinks). Is that a deflection?
Anyway, since she waited until next day to respond, I don't text her back until like 8 that evening. I say the Idaho trip sounds nice, and repeat my offer "Just dinner and/or a drink or two. Keep it simple, right? " and then she again doesn't respond until the next day, about lunch time. Her text doesn't make any sense either. Her response is like "Hey NJ, have you lost interest already?? Haha jk how was your day?" Doesn't respond at all to the date request. This is most definitely a deflection. And what is with the "have you lost interest already" bit?
So I decide to put her off, give her a day of radio silence. I text her two days later and we have another short convo that again ends with me offering a date, but I figure I'll offer something different this time. I offer the lower pressure "lunch or coffee" date. I tell her to let me know when she's free so we can meet up. Her last text to me is: "haha will do! Have a good night, NJ " I decide to completely write her off at this point.
The next evening she initiates a text convo, but the initial message from her is just "Hey". I wait 2 hours to respond, and I text back: "Hey, how was the play?" (she was going to a play), and we text back and forth a couple times and eventually I send her this: "So what's your schedule like? We should do lunch/dinner/something soon " and she replies "haha yes we should" but doesn't give me her schedule. So against my better judgement, I decide to tell her when I'M free instead. I reply "I could do Tues or Thurs next week. Or lunch any day except Wed", and she says "When do you do lunch? I have weekly meetings over lunch on Tue and Thurs" so I clarify that I meant I was free AFTER WORK on Tues and Thurs (even though it should have been obvious). She then just replies "Ahh I gotcha" but doesn't choose a day. That was last night, I didn't reply to her at all after that.
Chase told me to just lightly scold her like "You know, I've never really been very good at chasing people around. And you're trying to make me! But, I don't want to So if you are going to be free sometime soon you let me know, ok?"
I always wondered about that. It must not go by post count? Do the moderators apply them or something?
"you sure have a funny way of making plans. It's cute though "?
I completely agree with you, you don't ask for specific days, but from what I've learned from Franco ( from the link ) is that you shouldn't say "sometime" either because it's not concrete. By concrete I don't mean Tuesday, by concrete I mean "soon, this week." Concreteness is used to lock down a solid period of time (a week, or soon).
Franco said:NJ,
I completely agree with you, you don't ask for specific days, but from what I've learned from Franco ( from the link ) is that you shouldn't say "sometime" either because it's not concrete. By concrete I don't mean Tuesday, by concrete I mean "soon, this week." Concreteness is used to lock down a solid period of time (a week, or soon).
As an added note, Zphix gives you good advice here!
I re-read all of your texts, and you did kind of fail to do this. And she picked you apart because of it.
- Franco
While you addressed your question to Franco, I'll give my input nevertheless. Back me up or prove me wrong Franco. My belief is, its not conscious, and is instead sort of your second point. To me, most guys when they get the un-solid okay start to chase that date unless they're conscious of it, its so easy in autopilot to send a string of texts like:
"Hey J, I'm thinking we should go to the movies sometime, what do ya think?"
Her: "Sure, sounds good to me."
"Sweet! I'm free this day, and this day."
and get wrapped up in setting up a time and day, I.e, you chasing her
OR
"Sure, sounds good to me"
You: "Sweet! Talk to you some time this week."
"Okay."
Later on in the week, it would feel natural to say something like
"About that movie date..."
and keep bringing it up without really noticing it.
From this, my input is that, the balance of power sways naturally due to the guy unknowingly trapping himself in the chase of it all, thus giving her the power, but neither party is entirely aware of it.
So! Franco, prove me right or wrong lol
It's sort of weird though, I never really felt like I was chasing anything down because of the fact that she was initiating contact half the time or more. I was just suggesting we meet up in person, although my failure was that I wasn't doing it in a way that would make her actually have to agree to anything solid.
Franco said:You'd be surprised how many times girls get texts like, "hey gorgeous, we should hang soon. " And then the girls always reply, "Sounds good " and nothing ever happens. Be extremely direct in your texts, but make them comfortable and fun so that the girl knows you want to see her.
She wants you to pursue her but to protect her reputation she can't tell you direct. Especially when her friend gives away the secret of her interest in you by giggling/smiling in the background.NarrowJ said:So, this *very* attractive girl approaches me at a bar last week and makes what I think is a fairly lame excuse to talk to me (she says she wants to know where her and her friend should get food, what's nearby etcetera). She could have asked anybody this, and she's giggling like a teenager as she's asking me. The girl she is with is standing over by their table and is trying to act like she's not watching us, but she is (and she's smiling to herself).
Why didn't you take them to one of those places? This is where she started to have doubts about your capabilities. Her friend would excuse herself when she knows her friend has scored a good guy.NarrowJ said:I go through the motions quickly and name off a few places.
So you accepted that? They say things like that because she can't tell you that you've let her down. (save Reputation-avoid embarassment)NarrowJ said:It's a weeknight and they have to leave, so I number close.
Good luck and move fast or move on.NarrowJ said:Here's what happened. We're meeting up Tues after work.
Girls love texting and playing games with beta males, Just don't be one. They don't intend to hurt anyones feelings consciously.NarrowJ said:Franco, girls don't decide to do this consciously, do they? I mean, they don't read a guys text and think: "Oh he didn't say soon, so lets toy with him a bit!" It's more of a thing where you're just not leading well and they pick up on it?
I took more than an hour reading every post hoping someone would get it.ZacAdam said:1) You chased when you could have pulled. This is unconscious, i guess everyone also didn't notice it, even on the write up.
No.Re: This Girl Is Crazy Or Something?
Of course, all I mean is you must move at the speed the girl wants and sometimes it's surprisingly quick (even when they look sweet and innocent) otherwise she may get her ego hurt and auto reject you. If she gives you a 2nd chance it's because she doesn't have other options or she's said to herself "maybe I did something wrong and he probably is the man I think he is" but they wont keep thinking that for too long.NarrowJ said:If it means that not pulling a girl home on day 1 and sleeping with her on day 2 or 3 is salvaging, then I guess I'm ok with that.
Good Vibes said:I took more than an hour reading every post hoping someone would get it.
NarrowJ said:And the jury is still out as to whether she is crazy or not. You should see some of the things this girl texts me. Haha
Good Vibes said:Of course, all I mean is you must move at the speed the girl wants and sometimes it's surprisingly quick (even when they look sweet and innocent) otherwise she may get her ego hurt and auto reject you. If she gives you a 2nd chance it's because she doesn't have other options or she's said to herself "maybe I did something wrong and he probably is the man I think he is" but they wont keep thinking that for too long.NarrowJ said:If it means that not pulling a girl home on day 1 and sleeping with her on day 2 or 3 is salvaging, then I guess I'm ok with that.
Zphix said:NJ, the majority of your posts are successes, and when I'm able to do what you currently do, I'll feel like I'll have accomplished something in this art
-Richard
NarrowJ said:If it means that not pulling a girl home on day 1 and sleeping with her on day 2 or 3 is salvaging, then I guess I'm ok with that. Sometimes you lose some battles but still win the war, and that can be what makes this stuff so fun and challenging to me!
Zphix said:A little off topic this late in the responses, but yes Marty, don't be afraid to voice your opinion.
NarrowJ said:Marty,
Don't feel like you can't comment because you don't feel "qualified" to do so! Everyone's opinions are valued here. I've found I can learn a little bit from everyone, as we all have things we are just good at.
NarrowJ said:Here's what happened. We're meeting up Tues after work.
Me: [name], hey! Never heard back on a day/time. If you changed your mind, that's cool too. Ball's in your court now, lady!
Her: Ahh I'm sorry, yes Tuesday night works for me!