Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the fix.

Toby

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

How should I have tried to close the date Richard?
 

dcman

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

Kiss close conveyed your sexual intent and she is not going to look at you as a friend.Invite her over to your place for dinner see if she is willing to play ball and take it from there. Do not worry right now about if you could have handled it better just wait to see her response before analyzing too much. Good luck mate
 

Toby

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

Speaking of dating apps.

Out of nowhere managed to match with a sexy girl, my confidence is at a sky high. It was Hinge and she liked one of my pics too, going to let you guys know how that all goes.

This life is, just wow. I don't get that many matches in general, more than the average guy but I am not killing it or anything. Usually I match with 5s and 6s but this girl is out of the world. Luck just tends to strike sometimes man!
 

Michal

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

Toby said:
Speaking of dating apps.

Out of nowhere managed to match with a sexy girl, my confidence is at a sky high. It was Hinge and she liked one of my pics too, going to let you guys know how that all goes.

This life is, just wow. I don't get that many matches in general, more than the average guy but I am not killing it or anything. Usually I match with 5s and 6s but this girl is out of the world. Luck just tends to strike sometimes man!
I recommend to tone down your expectations. Especially with online dating. I know what it feels like when nothing spectacular is happening in your dating life and suddenly a total sexbomb appears and seems int erested in you. She can unmatch you, not respond at all, respond to you twice excitedly and then never again.

And also, if you are this super excited about just a match with a sexy girl, I recommend to take a good look at yourself. Because it somewhat screams like you need validation and your happiness and security with yourself is based on what number on 1 to 10 scale the latest girl was.

I hope it works out for you with her, but dont forget the basics and focus on the process.
 

radeng

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

Toby said:
Speaking of dating apps.

Out of nowhere managed to match with a sexy girl, my confidence is at a sky high. It was Hinge and she liked one of my pics too, going to let you guys know how that all goes.

This life is, just wow. I don't get that many matches in general, more than the average guy but I am not killing it or anything. Usually I match with 5s and 6s but this girl is out of the world. Luck just tends to strike sometimes man!
Hey Toby,

Good shit, seems like your attitude is changing for the better, but I wanted to take the opportunity to point out some lines of thinking that can really help you succeed and move on past your victim mentality. When you say something like, "This life is just wow" or "Luck just tends to strike." It shows truly how much you view life as something that is happening to you vs things happening to you as a direct consequence of your actions.

That is what the core of victim mentality is. It's viewing yourself as a victim to the external things in your life, even if you have control over those things. It's a thought pattern where you look at something and you think to yourself, "...this happened to me." I want to encourage to completely stop doing that whether it is good or bad. Obviously it is worse when it is a negative thing, but even for positive things. You must start viewing those as a consequence of your actions.

Heres an example: You match with hot girl on dating app. Instead of attributing that to your own actions like you should have, you think "boy oh boy, I got lucky with this match!" ATL is stock full of hot girls. You didn't get lucky. You took action. You've been swiping more and putting yourself in a better position to show up on girls accounts and you've been using multiple dating apps. You also took action and got your pics upgraded (which is awesome by the way been meaning to do the same thing). Start thinking like this - instead of saying, "boy I got lucky", say, "I took action and now I'm getting better results" Attribute your successes to your actions. Then think, how can I get even better! Then keep attributing higher levels of success to yourself. This change of though patterns will actually motivate you to take more action.

On the other side of the coin, you MUST also do this with negative things. If you are having trouble making friends. It is directly a consequence of you. It is not your circumstances. If the action you've taken hasn't netted you any results, its not because "life is too tough on you" or that "rich kids get all the friends" or whatever it is you think... A lack of results is 100% tied to a lack of action. Attributing failure to outside circumstances will actually motivate you to not take action. So it's vital you stop this thought pattern ASAP. If you want more social life, you have to take more action period.

You may say, well I did take action and it didn't work.

Im telling you whatever you've done is not enough, and you must get that through your head. You must start viewing the large majority of things in life as within your own control. There are some things that aren't of course, but you must largely ignore those things and focus on what you can do. This is the crux of the problem and its fundamentally what separates "victim you" from "successful you."

Your biggest problem is you focus most of your energy on things that are outside of your control. Bad mom, poor when growing up, people don't like you in college. Those things suck, but the past is out of your control. Your energy should not be on it at all. It should barely ever cross your mind. There are terrible things that have happened to me in this life too, but I very rarely even let those things cross my mind, and when I do its in amusement and possibly analysis to make sure *I* won't let those situations happen again. It's not that life happened to me badly. It's that *I* took the wrong actions that lead to shitty consequences. And if it truly was life that happened to me, I don't focus on it for even a second, because who cares. Focusing on it won't change it.

Obviously, you are doing this with both good and bad things in your life. You have to start attributing all these things to yourself.

Here are some links about "locus of control" that should give you some more food for thought. I too used to have a victim mentality. I was first exposed to the concept of locus of control through the ebook "How to become an alpha male" by John Alexander. Which was a great ebook on natural game long before I found Chase, and it has been one of the biggest positive factors in my life when I started attributing all things to my control, even if they weren't.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=16973

Once you ingrain these principles, you will lose your victim mentality. A victim mentality cannot exist in someone with a predominantly internal locus of control by definition. It's also why I find whining and complaining and victim mentality so annoying. It goes against one of my core beliefs as a human that every man is responsible for his own destiny and that every man has a large amount of control over that destiny not matter his circumstances.

I also hope you see how you can have a victim mentality even with positive things. If something positive happens you cannot view it as luck (although I believe in luck to an extent, but I even more strongly believe the amount of luck anyone has is directly correlated with the amount of action he takes).

Anyways, still good to see you're looking up and starting to see your need for change. Please read those links and im looking forward to hearing more positive things in the future from you.

Cheers,
radeng
 

Rain

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

Richard said:
"I won't be happy until I have a 10" is literally saying "I won't be happy with a girl unless everyone acknowledges she's hot" which is why the 1-10 and any number rating scale can be detrimental to your progress.
I get what you're saying. But there might be two meanings for the 10scale. The alternative meaning would be a woman with perfect face, chest, ass, legs, hair, hips. That's another meaning for "10".

I'm talking about the everything perfect meaning with this post, now that the first meaning has been addressed. I've noticed that if a woman has both good ass and good tits for example, I do tend to categorise either her ass as slightly better than her tits or vice versa. So even a "10" in the definition I just wrote, would have pluses and minuses. Is this why some guys say they're a tits man or an ass man, and you pick 2 out of 3. eg face, and tits. or face and ass or something? Instead of aiming for everything? Is aiming for perfection too unrealistic in the sense that it doesn't exist?

I think even if I got a 10 I'd be yep nice tits, but then I'd see someone else with say slightly better ass or slightly better hips, and want that instead. But then I'd get or imagine getting with the ass woman, and now her tits aren't as good as the first woman. Then you want the first woman again. But remember, her ass not as good as the second woman. So then want the second woman again. And it sort of goes in a circle a bit. The thought process, and the who do you like more?
 

Toby

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

Matching with good looking women on dating apps does a lot for my confidence, it shows me that good looking women find my look attractive and that I am making progress there. As for pics, funny thing is I had mines professionally done but I do want to get more done. My issue has been finding a friend willing to take pics of me. Its been my frustration with the city of Atlanta, its like everyone is a bible thumper that just wants to talk Jesus and god 24/7 while sticking to being a morally self-righteous fuckface.

So I decided to turn down a job offer in the city and recently got news that a company I interviewed for in NYC has made me an offer. My thoughts now are that if I go to NYC and fail there, it is obviously me. I mean unless you have lived in Atlanta, I don't think anyone can really talk about how tough it is dealing with the people here and their jesus act. Its like I cannot even find a friend to take a pic of me in public without them thinking I am some narcissist or something of the nature.

It was a while coming but I know that there is nothing for me or any decent guy with standards in this god forsaken city, no wonder even the sports teams here choke so bad. I mean there is just something to the people of Atlanta, it is that morally self-righteous attitude mixed in with the need to be desperately cool that makes it impossible to make friends here. I know I am not the only one either.

Anyways it is on to NYC, I know it is going to be expensive but I am so done with Atlanta and so glad I am going to be leaving this fucking city.
 

Grand Pooba

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

Toby said:
Anyways it is on to NYC, I know it is going to be expensive but I am so done with Atlanta and so glad I am going to be leaving this fucking city.
Congrats! I think this will be a good move for you.
 

Toby

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

So guys, I actually had a date from Bumble tonight end in me going out for a couple drinks, it was this French Vietnamese girl. We go back to my place after making out in the parking lot, I get her naked and all but I am a grower so my dick is not as hard. We make out, I eat her pussy, finger her, put a condom on my flaccid dick and barely get in her but damn, I am so fucking embarrassed. She was cute and all but I could barely get it up, I haven't had sex in ages and just encountered whiskey dick.

She had a slim waist, I made out, licked those nipples and all but damn, feels like as soon as I got her back home I could barely get it up. Life has thrown a lot of shit on my plate so maybe that's why my sex drive was not at its highest, also I had jerked off earlier in the day because I did not think the date was going to end up amounting to much.

Damn.....
 

Franco

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

Toby,

We go back to my place after making out in the parking lot, I get her naked and all but I am a grower so my dick is not as hard. We make out, I eat her pussy, finger her, put a condom on my flaccid dick and barely get in her but damn, I am so fucking embarrassed.

...

She had a slim waist, I made out, licked those nipples and all but damn, feels like as soon as I got her back home I could barely get it up. Life has thrown a lot of shit on my plate so maybe that's why my sex drive was not at its highest, also I had jerked off earlier in the day because I did not think the date was going to end up amounting to much.
This is a fantastic update man. Consider what happened: you were so successful that your mind wasn't even ready to be successful. You jacked off in anticipation of thinking that you would not get to sex with this girl.

In other words, when you actually took action, your body was more successful than your mind.

This goes to show how much your mentality can defeat your true ability. Your true ability is clearly better than your mind thinks it is, so have some more trust in yourself and your ability to attract and sleep with women. I bet you'll find you have a knack for it once you knock down the mental barriers that are currently impairing you.

- Franco
 

Chase

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

Cool to see all this, Toby.

NYC will be a good place for you. Definitely a smart move.

The French-Vietnamese chick... good show on the quick lay.

Invite her out again and give her a proper railing next time. Don't jack off beforehand :)

Chase
 

Toby

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

A lot has happened since my very short break from this forum. So I realized I have a lease that does not end until the end of March but I have to be in NYC for my start date of the job which is January 15th. Read the contract and it is pretty strict, cannot break the lease unless you are in the military. So my only option is to find someone to take over my apartment or I would need to pay about 3 months worth of rent (not cheap!). Now that has been stressing me out as well as looking for a place in NYC, deciding which neighborhood I want to be in.

My life has had so many changes going on and I feel like I really have not been taking care of myself but the past couple weeks have been rough for me since I have been flying around so much for interviews. Ever since I got laid off, it all hit me hard and though I had money saved up, I am slowly running out and cannot afford to pay those 3 months of rent.

To some degree I feel like my health may slowly start to be impacted, I have been messy and had a bad schedule of not getting up early enough, its been so depressing at times too with all of this piling.

I am also thinking ahead to the life I want when I go to NYC.

On one hand yes I want to stay in the corporate 9 to 5 life since that will feed me plus the job offer I have is a pretty sweet one but I definitely want to get involved in the service industry/nightlife work there on the weekends when I get a chance. I really feel my clock ticking fast (mid 20s here) to make the bartending as a second job/side gig a reality in NYC as well.

Its like so much going on with trying handle what is current and then feeling time running out on my future goals of living a fun fulfilling life with some bucket list items such as having worked in nightlife being knocked out. I also need to get in shape since I have put on a few, the last workplace I was at really took a toll on me as well.

GAH!

Its not been an easy time, I can say that but I also accept that I need to get my shit together in terms of my schedule.

I also won't be able to meet up with 4 girls on Bumble whose numbers I got and had dates arranged with, two of them were above average looking.

There is also a book I have been trying to finish but in the past couple weeks, the structure to my day has been demolished. I am spent from all these interviews!
 

Toby

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

So my computer died today, posting this from cell.

Had a date with the 10th different girl last night, sat at the bar and chatted.

We talked about a lot of things but even she agreed that it is tough to make new friends in Atlanta. Took her back home to my place and fingered her as we made out but that was it. Other than that she went home at like 11pm or so and I texted her best wishes the next morning. The reason I did that was hoping there was not going to be a false accusations since both of us did have drinks.

Have a date with a Latina tomorrow who says she is a single mom but she is sexy!
 

Toby

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

I have slowly realized that I have a lot to be grateful for even though my social life is in shambles. Getting ready for the move to NYC, no doubt that the first year there is going to be rough and throw a ton of challenges my way. Still trying to narrow down some places to live at but for now will stay with sublet a few months here and there until I make up my mind, really need to find a good roommate situation.

Look to go to NYC with an open mind and to embrace the challenges that might come my way. I had to think about why I picked the city and outside of the gender ratios alone, my gut just told me that there was something for me there. They say that NYC is supposed to be one of the most fun cities to spend your 20s in.

For now, I am going to focus a lot on doing well at my job (corporate world) and really settle into the city for the first few months.
 

Toby

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

I write this on a night I cannot sleep but I am not sad or depressed. Looking back to my college days, I realized that despite the bad circumstances I could have had my success. I realized that instead of going out there and trying, I didn’t put in the effort and I came off as a brash and uncalibarted guy. Even then I had this worry and anxiety about the future.

It was not the fault of a state, culture or any group. Like I get it, Georgia (at least the Atlanta area) can be a certain way but still there were kids having a great time. It’s like I feel so free ever since this really hit me, it is so damn freeing. The things I could have done and cool people I could have made if I kept pushing back in college instead of giving in to the toughness. If I showed up the club meetings and religiously attended them, something could have happened and that would have been the spark I needed.

Maybe I didn’t have to follow a script, I could have created my own. I didn’t need to be a frat boy in a top feat, I didn’t!

It was my fault, it is my fault and this realization makes me so free.

Even now I have fallen into this in the past couple years, that life ends after college.

Even now I limit myself when I could be writing my own script.

Maybe it’s time to say fuck it and write my own script.

Maybe they are out there, my dream friends and crew.

They were out there in college and I didn’t need to be in a frat to get them.

I could have found them, if only I was patient enough and added value.

Let’s see what NYC brings....

I feel so free.
 

YOLT

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

Hey Toby. I'll make this short.

I just read this entire thread. From what I understand:
- You frequently date cute girls (you probably go on a lot more dates than most guys in America)
- I think I read you're a successful corporate employee
- You're a man of ambition
- And you're making this amazing move to the greatest city in the world for a new job, all in your 20s. This is exciting!!!

You seem to have so much going for you. Imagine how much more you'll have going for you when you start reaching some of your other goals. This is an exciting time in your life! SMILE! You have so much opportunity and joy in front of you. Start appreciating all these great things (it seems like you are starting to appreciate them and improving your mentality). Embrace this new opportunity :)


Note: I see you're pretty good with apps. Try Bubmle BFF when you're in NYC to make guy friends. A word of warning - about 60% of the guys on there are gay and looking for other guys (which is not the intention of the app), but 40% are straight men looking for another cool guy to hang out with, and some of them are surprisingly cool guys. Just write in your bio you're a straight guy new to NYC looking to meet some other cool guys.

All the best,
YOLT
 

Toby

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

YOLT you are right my man, I have tried to internalize being more grateful in life and will work on this in the coming months. I have a date in an hour from a match on Hinge.

I went out today, during the weekday, and had a quick conversation with a person I met who was from Illinois. We talked for a few minutes and that turned into almost a couple hours. Outside of the date I had a few weeks ago, he is another person who told me about what he has observed in Atlanta culture. Apparently he moved here with his wife and after a couple years here, they find that something is kind of "off" about the city compared to what they experienced in Chicago, Portland and Seattle. So we connect on social media as well and the dude seemed really cool for the most part.

In some ways, it kind of makes me wonder if I was not the only one feeling the way I did in Atlanta, surely there must be others in the same situation. Not trying to excuse myself of any responsibility here of what has happened in the past but it does make me excited for what comes in the future. I feel like all those nights of me being in college trying to make new friends but failing miserably or me failing in my time in Atlanta with social life for the most part, maybe there were things I could not control.

It is almost like life throws us things that make sense of some things from the past, kind of feels like that anyways. So I am excited for what is to come next, treating it all as a learning experience. One day once I become prominent enough on this site, I will write some things about Atlanta comparing it to NYC.
 

Toby

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Re: Victim mentality seriously starting to ruin my life, know the cause not the

So the date I had tonight showed up like 20 lbs heavier than her pics, apparently she was using old pics for online dating so we only chatted like for an hour before cutting it short. After the date I did something I had not done for months, I decided to head out to the bars and cold approach.

Got shut down a lot, no success at all. I did it because I feel like I had to so I decided to head out for that, the most lively area of the city. I decided that it would be best because I am done with the A-town soon anyways so might as well, plus it would help me man up more because online dating has spoiled the fuck out of me. Struck out all the way but my bitterness, it was like gone, I just took it in stride and headed home. Maybe it is me getting older or who knows what but what I know is I have come a long way from the old me who would be hurt over a bad night.
 
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