Break Ups Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

[HeartOfChaos]

You need some period of pulling back from her in order to reset the frame.

When you are in a conversation with her, I'd suggest going in with a mentality of not trying to fix it, but instead letting her tell you what she thinks has happened and how she feels now, and making sure you understand it fully. At this point she feels very disconnected from you and is ready to walk. You don't have emotional leverage. So you have to give her space to want you again, and let her talk her way into a new deal, if that's what she's willing to do. Rather than trying to push the latest fix attempt down her throat.

Thanks. Yes I understand. In your view, what would be the "pullling back" timeframe here - a matter of weeks or many months?

 

[Will_V]

Thanks. Yes I understand. In your view, what would be the "pullling back" timeframe here - a matter of weeks or many months?

When I say 'pulling back' I do not mean going no-contact, I mean being completely ambivalent about your future together and not making any attempt to fix anything.

See if you can have a conversation without you bringing up the relationship at all, just talk about other stuff. Is she still keen to talk to you? Is she distant or guarded? Does she start talking indirectly about the relationship without you prompting? Is there anything she wants to get off her chest? Can you make her laugh?

If there is anything left of her desire to be with you, she will feel it most strongly when you are just enjoying the moment together, without any pressure. But you will have to be able to release all your expectations and enjoy vibing with her as if it is all you want or need from her.

But any hint of neediness or agenda and it'll all be for nought. If there is any avenue for the relationship to continue, it will have to be her choice and by her invitation, as a result of her wanting to continue those moments. If you can't do that, then I'd suggest moving on completely and focusing on your own future.

I think it is best if you mentally accept that it's over, and treat it as if all you want to do is leave good feelings and memories before she goes, as someone you cherished. That may be what it ends up being, but you'll have given her the opportunity to experience the best of you again, and decide for herself what she wants.

 

[topcat]

Bro, move the fuck on..

21 pages dedicated to this foolishness, by encouraging this we’re shifting away from some core fundamentals

what part of the game is this?

what happened to this?

I Don’t Chase 'Em, I Replace 'Em

A couple of fellas have asked on here about cutting contact recently. Here's Matt's comment from the article entitled "Your Mental Model is Flawed": “Can you explain cut off marks (ie, cutting off contact with a girl... say if she doesn't sleep with you or is not responding well) in more detail...

www.girlschase.com

 

[mirror]

Bro, move the fuck on..

21 pages dedicated to this foolishness, by encouraging this we’re shifting away from some core fundamentals

what part of the game is this?

what happened to this?

I Don’t Chase 'Em, I Replace 'Em

A couple of fellas have asked on here about cutting contact recently. Here's Matt's comment from the article entitled "Your Mental Model is Flawed": “Can you explain cut off marks (ie, cutting off contact with a girl... say if she doesn't sleep with you or is not responding well) in more detail...

www.girlschase.com

From my own experience, at some point, after tons of girls (even if not all of them are ones you have pulled, but screened for sure, at some point you know what you like and find a very select group of people that may be able to provide that. Sure you can enjoy others, but there is this urge or desire to be with one that is actually a good match and build on things. That's why most people settle down at some point. The easy challenge at PUA in the beginning for most people is to pull, but later on it becomes finding one or more matches and then it moves on to the real challenge which is attracting and keeping someone you actually want. What use are these skills if you can not even attract or keep a person you actually like

 

[topcat]

What use are these skills if you can not even attract or keep a person you actually like

You practise getting and keeping the kind of girls you like, as you once did with pickup.

Meaning when you fuck up with one, you learn from your mistake and apply your skills to the next.

Law of least effort, and the diminishing returns of chasing/pedestalization apply across the board. They’re fundamental laws of human sexual (romantic) relationships..

We’re violating this as seducers when we encourage this guy run down a dead lead that clearly doesn’t want him. This doesn’t serve his better self and only encourages his mediocrity.

We’re skilled seducers, not mediocre mopes..

 

[mirror]

fundamental laws of human sexual (romantic) relationships..

I think this one is funny, as I see it, sexuality can be brought to 0 and back to 100 with the right skillset and right chemistry involved, but that's my thoughts on it. maybe kj on my part.

 

[topcat]

I think this one is funny, as I see it, sexuality can be brought to 0 and back to 100 with the right skillset and right chemistry involved, but that's my thoughts on it. maybe kj on my part.

show him how the mate, he needs it..

 

[HeartOfChaos]

From my own experience, at some point, after tons of girls (even if not all of them are ones you have pulled, but screened for sure, at some point you know what you like and find a very select group of people that may be able to provide that. Sure you can enjoy others, but there is this urge or desire to be with one that is actually a good match and build on things. That's why most people settle down at some point. The easy challenge at PUA in the beginning for most people is to pull, but later on it becomes finding one or more matches and then it moves on to the real challenge which is attracting and keeping someone you actually want. What use are these skills if you can not even attract or keep a person you actually like

From my previous experience after being dumped by another LTR 12 years ago, even if I go and bang dozens of women, it's not a replacement for an ex. Because as you point out, for me to really like a girl I need:

1) very strong match on an emotional level.
2) Certain "facial features" that I am instinctively drawn to, also on some emotional level. Just any old attractive looks won't do. In fact, I may not care about a stereotypical HB10 - sure she is hot, but what I need is something more.
3) Building on 2), I noticed that majority of women who I had a long term thing with were basically a "face match" with me

 

[Marcellus]

Guys! Enough is enough.
Can we please stop acting like there aren't a million girls out there. Heartbreak is a normal part of life, people break up all the time. Eventually you will move on and be at peace. Let's stop encouraging this, on to the next girl.

 

[mirror]

We’re violating this as seducers when we encourage this guy run down a dead lead that clearly doesn’t want him. This doesn’t serve his better self and only encourages his mediocrity.

I think he is an idiot and the girl wants him, but whatever.

We’re skilled seducers, not mediocre mopes..

i am missing pushing the chest out and doing a big ego puff. (Yeah you probably dont get me)

"face match" with me

Wth is a face match. You sure you are ok? Heavy oneitis can make more dumb

 

[HeartOfChaos]

I think he is an idiot and the girl wants him, but whatever.


i am missing pushing the chest out and doing a big ego puff. (Yeah you probably dont get me)


Wth is a face match. You sure you are ok? Heavy oneitis can make more dumb

facematch - look alike couples. Also being attracted to someone who resembles your mother.

I thought of this years ago, when on one pua forum like a decade ago one guy I spoke has studied portraiture extensively, and has recommended me to look at my exes' pics.

So I did. And realised the women I had long term compatibility with basically looked similar to me or resembled my mother. No, not making it up.

It's funny. With one three year LTR before, even her friends who have seen our pics together have commented that we look alike...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

I think he is an idiot and the girl wants him, but whatever.

I dunno about the girl wanting me still, but I do agree I am idiot in dealing with people. Multiple people told me this, including my own mother ("you don't understand people" - she said to me many times). I think that's the key with all my failed interactions: I tend to either ignore people's signals or respond too slow to them.

 

[mirror]

"You don't understand people" - she said to me many times

What do you think is causing it?

I tend to either ignore people's signals or respond too slow to them.

Try to communicate more with them..

 

[HeartOfChaos]

What do you think is causing it?

Being in my head rather than reacting to the situation, even when instinctively I know I should be acting. Overthinking things. Also being self centred and not paying attention to people's emotions.

the girl wants him, but whatever.

Why do you think she wants me, if she is saying she does not feel like continuing the relationship?

 

[mirror]

Why do you think she wants me, if she is saying she does not feel like continuing the relationship?

Can you give me a play-by-play of what happened the days before her saying that, was it the ultimatum? The joke on ultimatums is that usually they dont work. It's like a shittest but worse. But it might open up the other to dating others again, so it's complex.

 

[Skills]

You practise getting and keeping the kind of girls you like, as you once did with pickup.

Meaning when you fuck up with one, you learn from your mistake and apply your skills to the next.

Law of least effort, and the diminishing returns of chasing/pedestalization apply across the board. They’re fundamental laws of human sexual (romantic) relationships..

We’re violating this as seducers when we encourage this guy run down a dead lead that clearly doesn’t want him. This doesn’t serve his better self and only encourages his mediocrity.

We’re skilled seducers, not mediocre mopes..

What is a mediocre mopes???

Topcat is preaching.... finally someone with some sense...

 

[mirror]

Being in my head rather than reacting to the situation, even when instinctively I know I should be acting. Overthinking things. Also being self centred and not paying attention to people's emotions.

This is typical. Happens to the best. Just apologize. Did you? Apologize?

Why do you think she wants me, if she is saying she does not feel like continuing the relationship?

I dont know. Just a logical deduction.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Can you give me a play-by-play of what happened the days before her saying that, was it the ultimatum? The joke on ultimatums is that usually they dont work. It's like a shittest but worse. But it might open up the other to dating others again, so it's complex.

She said it on day of break up and a few days ago when I was trying to re-initiate after RakeHell's advice. Didn't sound like it was ultimatum. More like a statement.

Play by play in days before break up was written by me on page 7.

1) Basically she was away all June, came in July, saw her as normal, did many nice couple activities together packed into a tight schedule as she said she was going to go home again soon.
2) No real signs of drama under surface - except her being caught up in various family matters and me needing to ask her repeatedly to extend her stay here for longer - to quote from her "There is not much for me to do in London now.. I know you are here, but...." - this nonchalant attitude if she stays here to see me for longer or flies to her parents surprised me (and I should have acted here)
3) She asked me if I want to attend her masters degree graduate reunion event about 10 days before break up - which I declined, very foolishly as I wanted to concentrate on work...
4) Day of break up: I met her in evening after she spent the afternoon with her friend that she invited me to meet previously...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

What is a mediocre mopes???

Topcat is preaching.... finally someone with some sense...

On a side note, as I am processing things, I am realising more and more what an idiot I was in the way I acted nonchalantly with her despite needing to know better since initial May break up attemot...

And I also realised just how stupid I was in post break up attempts to reconcile things...I basically texted 3-4 times to her in space of a couple of weeks the same idea of "let's think about things and see if we can reset when you get back", and every time she was like " " - she isn't even declining outright...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Re-reading all the texts I sent, I once again realise what a social retard I am