Break Ups Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

[DoWhatWorks]

@Chase I'll respectfully disagree on this one.

Though maybe it is helpful to him being able to get it all written down, get other perspectives, and come to terms with the real issues here.

Everything's been covered he's just in denial and doesn't want to listen to anything outside his worldview.

But I respect your endless patience lol, you're better than me.

However, I do think it's an interesting case study in what is a VERY typical breakup pattern a ton of guys go (almost every guy goes?) through.

I think this is an unhelpful sentiment this forum enables. Maybe I'm just not an emotional guy but I'm a firm believer people's actions are a choice.

We may not control the feeling of the emotion but we fully control how we act in spite of them.

Right now OP is acting in ways that's making the girl lose attraction and will fail to get him a better fit... Like how are we encouraging a guy to get back with a low self-esteem depressed girl?? WTF

Also the whole point of us becoming skilled seducers is to avoid situations exactly like this, what happened to replacing girls.

after 15 years of approaching, I got nothing out of daygame despite thousands of approaches in various cities in UK and several other countries.

Just several dozen empty hook ups and fuck buddies

This is the bigger issue everyone is being too nice to call out. Giving tough love whether he wants to hear it or not. OP has a skill issue. Benefit of doubt assuming several dozen hook ups = 36 lays in 15 years that's at the very best 2-3 lays a year...

No wonder he's obsessed with this girl. He's not getting good results.

I've been watching this thread for a while and staying out of it but someone has to call it out & try maintain standards.

Live long enough to become the villain I guess...

 

[topcat]

This is the bigger issue everyone is being too nice to call out. Giving tough love whether he wants to hear it or not. OP has a skill issue. Benefit of doubt assuming several dozen hook ups = 36 lays in 15 years that's at the very best 2-3 lays a year...

Thank you

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Right now OP is acting in ways that's making the girl lose attraction and will fail to get him a better fit...

I am not talking to her at the moment, so no actions at all

OP has a skill issue. Benefit of doubt assuming several dozen hook ups = 36 lays in 15 years that's at the very best 2-3 lays a year...

No wonder he's obsessed with this girl. He's not getting good results.

More like 10-11 years, as u need to account for my time in LTRs and long periods with no approaches.

My best years were 2011-2015. Many of my lays were around then. Summer of 2013 I had a dozen lays in space of a few months. Best year ever from daygame. Then in 2014 I got into LTR till 2017, and only did a handful of approaches in those years.

After 2017 my daygame results reduced for various reasons:

1) The advent of dating apps have made daygame much harder. I got noticeably less numbers. I installed Tinder and got lays from there instead, then Bumble and Hinge.

2) I am not as good looking as I was. In the early days, I was literally "opened" by random girls in public, sometimes girls would attempt to strike up conversations with me in public transport, openly smile and turn their head at me when walking past on the street, etc. Those days are long gone. Nowdays I look tired as fuck most of the time from chronic eye bags and strain due to computer use (work), heavy work schedule, etc and residing hairline.

3) I started using mode one and apocalypse openers. Literally offering women to hook up within a minute of saying hi to them. Since 2017, virtually all my lays have been either same day lays from daygame, or first "date" after the initial day conversation. I haven't had a proper "date" from daygame in years. All my meetings have been directly at my place / her place / hotel. A part of the reason for mode one approach was because I got sick of going on "dates" without a certain level of guaranteed action at the end of the night.

And I realised that most women decide if they want to fuck me within 20 seconds anyway, so might as well be straight forward about it and filter out timewasters and sticks in the mud. Secondly, I am not good at striking up random conversations and flirting. I can be very talkative and all girls I fucked said I am very interesting, creative, enthusiastic guy to talk to, but I can't convey this to a stranger. And anyway, as I said, chicks decide if they fancy you visually within 20 seconds, so it doesn't matter.

4) So to sum up, my daygame has been stripped down to bare bones: Say hi, quickly pitch an idea of an intimate encounter. Of course I can inject some humour into it, etc, but I am not going out of my way to try to "interest" her. Watch how she reacts nonverbally (and verbally). Anything less than enthuastic reply and a WhatsApp number - means she will flake. The success rate is very low but it gets me laid in a straightforward manner while minimising typical bullshit that women pull. It's a hardcore filtering mechanism on my part. I am more and more convinced over the years and thousands of approaches that you can talk to women on a street for 10 seconds or 10 minutes - the chances of her coming to the date and fucking you aren't much different.


I fucked this current girl on 3rd date - I think first time that I actually made it through to 3rd date without sex in about 12 years. But I got some action from her in daygame. It was funny. I approached her on a busy shopping street, and offered straight away to get together "for a night of pleasure". She gave me her number, took a close look at me, saying to me "You look like Ryan Gosling...That's a good thing". I let her go as right at that minute I wasn't up for continuing the interaction.

Then I soon got 2 other numbers of even hotter chicks, also offering to hook up directly. Then I went to grab some food, walked around a bit... And like an hour later I bump into this girl again in another location outside a shop. This time I actually decided to go on instadate with her: I walked her to a park, messed about with her under the cover of darkness, then forced my way into her place despite her objections and resistance and got some more action there.

Incidentally, this is exactly the same park, same place in the park, where she broke up with me, also under the cover of darkness, a year later...

Things went round full circle with her symbolically.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

No wonder he's obsessed with this girl. He's not getting good results

It's also a location issue as I wrote. London is just terrible place for daygame. I always had better results everywhere else - in other UK cities and abroad. London has become especially bad since the Covid era. The energy of the city changed somehow and now it's just an awful soul destroying place in general.

 

[topcat]

It's also a location issue as I wrote. London is just terrible place for daygame. I always had better results everywhere else - in other UK cities and abroad. London has become especially bad since the Covid era. The energy of the city changed somehow and now it's just an awful soul destroying place in general.

if only you knew…

 

[topcat]

It's also a location issue as I wrote. London is just terrible place for daygame. I always had better results everywhere else - in other UK cities and abroad. London has become especially bad since the Covid era. The energy of the city changed somehow and now it's just an awful soul destroying place in general.

it ain’t the city mate it’s your approach. going direct with a with a girl and asking her to sleep with you off the approach is an extremely low odds play, and i’m not surprised at your results.

there are higher odds approaches that have been discussed on this forum and in great detail in the blog.

Do you care to improve? Do you care to fix your fundamentals?

London is a great city for cold approach.

 

[Atlas IV]

It's also a location issue as I wrote. London is just terrible place for daygame. I always had better results everywhere else - in other UK cities and abroad. London has become especially bad since the Covid era. The energy of the city changed somehow and now it's just an awful soul destroying place in general.

There are guys on this forum who are killing it in London (one who I know is averaging 1-2 new girls a week just from daygame).

Tom Torero enjoyed daygame in London so much that he literally called his pickup system the London Daygame Model.

So... definitely looks like a skill issue.

Also it's getting tedious seeing this thread dominate the forum. How many more pages will be enough for you man? You've gotten WAY more attention than any newcomer has in recent memory and you're still just focused on yourself. How about switching from value extraction to value contribution? You even ignored Chase's and Skills' book recommendation...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

there are higher odds approaches that have been discussed on this forum and in great detail in the blog.

As I mentioned, I did these before and sure they are higher odds, but come at a price. I did all of these approaches over the years.
As I said, given that 95% of women (especially considering the London demographic nowdays) are not suitable for me long term in terms of their background etc, I am not too invested in going out on extended dates.

London is a great city for cold approach.

It was decent before Brexit. Now majority of continental Europeans are gone, exactly the kind of women I'd actually be more interested in and who I always had success with before. Italian, French, Portuguese, they have all been steadily leaving.

it ain’t the city mate it’s your approach.

Brighton, Bristol, other cities of similar size were always infinitely more productive for me in terms of results. Same with other cities in certain other countries.

And I am also talking about the vibe of the city itself, not just cold approach. Depressing, overcrowded, filthy, hectic. Progressively became worse over the last decade. Everyone who I know who's lived here for a couple of decades or more agrees with me - pretty much everyone wants to leave the damn place, me included...

P.S. This is actually what I've discussed with the girl (during break up and before), and she knows very well my negative feelings towards London and UK in general. She also wants to leave it (given that she is on a temp visa).

 

[topcat]

Everyone who I know who's lived here for a couple of decades or more agrees with me - pretty much everyone wants to leave the damn place, me included...

Good. The less weaklings milling about the place the better.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Good. The less weaklings milling about the place the better.

If you don't see what a shithole the city has become, I don't know what to say.

I guess you have very different interests in life to me.

But this is a pointless digression.

 

[topcat]

I guess you have very different interests in life to me.

Definitely. Getting hung up on a mentally ill ex whilst bellowing out 25 pages worth of lamentations, being one of many.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Tom Torero enjoyed daygame in London so much that he literally called his pickup system the London Daygame Model.

Is that why he and most other commerical daygamers go to Eastern Europe or other countries for weeks and months at a time?

You even ignored Chase's and Skills' book recommendation...

I am grateful for their recommendation. I didn't ignore anything.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Okay.

What are things you value in people in general. Forget culture. Forget most superficial stuff. Focus on what makes a relationship grow and you as a person grow as well as your partner
What prerequisites do you see?
And how do you function optimally? What do you need for that?
Are there demons you still need to face?
Are there other things that make you feel like you are at the right place?
Or with the right person?

A language barrier doesnt help ofcourse. But i think with the right people cultural gaps or other gaps can be bridged.

Regarding the current girl: depends on what you decide with her together and what is feasible.

Oh, I agree that cultural and other gaps can be bridged...But to what extent. And is it worth it in terms of intimate relationships? Mixed marriages often bring problems, especially for the children. And once's own ancestral heritage becomes lost in the process.

 

[Atlas IV]

Is that why he and most other commerical daygamers go to Eastern Europe or other countries for weeks and months at a time?

Travel is great.

I am grateful for their recommendation. I didn't ignore anything.

You're right, ignore is not the word.

Failed to express gratitude. Yes that's it.

 

[Chase]

@DoWhatWorks,

Right now OP is acting in ways that's making the girl lose attraction and will fail to get him a better fit... Like how are we encouraging a guy to get back with a low self-esteem depressed girl?? WTF

Also the whole point of us becoming skilled seducers is to avoid situations exactly like this, what happened to replacing girls.



This is the bigger issue everyone is being too nice to call out. Giving tough love whether he wants to hear it or not. OP has a skill issue. Benefit of doubt assuming several dozen hook ups = 36 lays in 15 years that's at the very best 2-3 lays a year...

No wonder he's obsessed with this girl. He's not getting good results.

I've been watching this thread for a while and staying out of it but someone has to call it out & try maintain standards.

Live long enough to become the villain I guess...

All that assumes OP is capable of becoming a high skilled PUA who can bring a few good girlfriend candidates into his life per year, instead of once every 12 years. I have my doubts.

One of the things I have learned about relationships is that what I want for myself (or what you want for yourself) is not always what is realistically attainable for other guys. e.g., for you and me, an LSE girl on anti-depressants is a hard no. We're not even going to have that girl as an FWB. Not in a million years! Screw that!

But for an autistic (or autism-adjacent) guy who is highly analytical and appears to have a touch of mind blindness (he doesn't appear to be capable of putting himself in his girl's shoes and grasping how she is feeling and what she needs), is it realistic to tell him to settle only for a good-looking, high self-esteem girl who is mentally strong and healthy and has her shit completely together? Is a girl like that going to put up with "I know that you want more commitment but I don't know what I'm doing with my life exactly right now and also I have a list of demands of things I'd like to see from you first before I'd consider commitment"?

Bigger than the skill issue for the OP is the equipment issue.

If your brain comes equipped with the Empathy v 0.8 model instead of Empathy v 10.3, no matter how hard you work on skills you are going to be running up against a skill wall it is nearly impossible to surmount.

Chase

 

[topcat]

All that assumes OP is capable of becoming a high skilled PUA who can bring a few good girlfriend candidates into his life per year, instead of once every 12 years. I have my doubts.

It does beg the question though Chase, assuming he isn’t capable..is this really the place for him then? And should we really be encouraging him, and those others like him? 25 pages on this is ludicrous..

IMO they’re crapping up the place and diluting the messaging and purpose of the forum.

If a skilled seducer you cannot be, then on skilled seducer you should not be
(or at least by skilled seducers you should not be encouraged)..no?

 

[mirror]

I think this is an unhelpful sentiment this forum enables. Maybe I'm just not an emotional guy but I'm a firm believer people's actions are a choice.

Look , the path this forum and PUA has been taken has already shown to work the way OP and most posters here already know.
Lots of lays, ending up with some girl that ticks off some boxes and/or in oneitis with someone that works.

The more interesting part is exploring the things that are not as 'simple'as straightforward PUA and going for the lay, but real seduction if you ask me.
You can follow the steps OP and you all know, OP knows how to, the others know how to. Hell I know how to and still managed to get lost in oneitis for years, while keeping my eyes wide open.

I am much more interested in how to make things work with someone you are 'sure' of at this point,and if I read OP right, he knows most PUA stuff already. The next step becomes real seduction.
If you ask me, it's a logical fallacy to think that there is no way to make it work.
someone that hasnt followed pua as long as he has, wouldnt know the pua way and the alternatives. This guy DOES know the PUA way and is finding a path in seduction. Many naturals make it work. Why would a PUA be unable to make real seduction work while thousands of other people manage to make real seduction work?

I see it as a challenge he is taking upon him to try for something or someone.
We know the alternatives and have such a long life ahead still. Why worry about trying something or oneitis.

If I hear all he says, most stuff is so recent, it's fixable.

I honestly think the strongest PUA's would be able to game through oneitis and manage to turn the whole experience in his/their favor as a real seduction instead of just increasing their lay count.

Regarding the lay-count, most likely he has had periods of pulling and periods of just relaxing/other priorities / LTR's.
That's normal in my eyes.

Like how are we encouraging a guy to get back with a low self-esteem depressed girl?? WTF

Actually, LSE is one of the more treatable things overall I think. It's even likely to bind someone more strongly to you because of the LSE. That said, it's not necessarily the smartest thing, but it could be.

Oh, I agree that cultural and other gaps can be bridged...But to what extent. And is it worth it in terms of intimate relationships? Mixed marriages often bring problems, especially for the children. And once's own ancestral heritage becomes lost in the process.

I think children pick up upon what suits them character, interest and personality wise at mixed heritages or different cultures that get mixed. Parents can offer them points to attach to, or start out with. Offer them venues and show them the heritage. The children themselves start asking and showing interest in the parts, the culture, the languages or other things that are interesting to them and make sense to them more and more as they get older. Mixed heritages actually can give them a stronger starting position if they start to embrace it and learn from it what matches their own interests, character and skillset the most.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

@DoWhatWorks,



All that assumes OP is capable of becoming a high skilled PUA who can bring a few good girlfriend candidates into his life per year, instead of once every 12 years. I have my doubts.

But for an autistic (or autism-adjacent) guy who is highly analytical and appears to have a touch of mind blindness (he doesn't appear to be capable of putting himself in his girl's shoes and grasping how she is feeling and what she needs), is it realistic to tell him to settle only for a good-looking, high self-esteem girl who is mentally strong and healthy and has her shit completely together? Is a girl like that going to put up with "I know that you want more commitment but I don't know what I'm doing with my life exactly right now and also I have a list of demands of things I'd like to see from you first before I'd consider commitment"?

I wrote above that a big factor here was that I am simply not meeting the right women in terms of ancestral background. I personally believe that if I was in either my country of origin X or my "second" country Y I would have found a girl to settle down with a long time ago.

The current girl is one of the few who actually ticked some boxes that I'd be looking for long term, notwithstanding all her problems. Regarding her problems, I tried working with them... I would still work with them... I told her this and she knows... I wanted to give it a real go first, I was really going for it this summer on a personal level with her but she already started to detach...

Years ago stuff like depression were also a hard no for me, but my views on life have adapted. I wrote earlier that I want a girl to evolve with me and I was willing to try hard to achieve this with a chick I actually was connected to rather than searching for yet another one who may appear tomorrow or in 5 years, while I am not getting any younger.

I am of mixed ancestral background and I am aware this creates a dichotomy in my mind and long term plans. Further, the career path I was on also made things extremely difficult in terms of stability and income. This goes back to " I don't know what I'm doing with my life exactly right now", and not even right now, but for the last decade or so. Now things are better, but far from optimal, and right now is as best as it was in last 3 years...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Travel is great.

You know very well that the main / sole reason why they travel is to meet women. This isn't travel, it's just panhandling for sex with a big advantage on your side due to perceived high "white American / British foreigner" status.

When I travel, I don't want to spend hours approaching women on the streets or in bars, or chatting up women with whom things are unlikely to go anywhere long term. I did this (mass approaching in places like Barcelona) 10-15 years ago and fucked a number of women.

 

[Chase]

@topcat,

It does beg the question though Chase, assuming he isn’t capable..is this really the place for him then? And should we really be encouraging him, and those others like him? 25 pages on this is ludicrous..

IMO they’re crapping up the place and diluting the messaging and purpose of the forum.

If a skilled seducer you cannot be, then on skilled seducer you should not be
(or at least by skilled seducers you should not be encouraged)..no?

I suppose that is fair.

I think it's led to some good discussions of relationship seduction, which is a different beast altogether from pickup. I include other discussions, ideas, posts, etc. here as well.

However, if guys feel the thread is detracting from the forum, then perhaps it is time to close it.

@HeartOfChaos, you are not going to get any other advice in this thread that will be of further use to you, I don't think.

You have the perspectives of a whole bunch of guys who've weighed in here.

You can choose whichever ones seem to suit you best, but you are going to need to make your own decisions about which to follow.

I'll give it one more day for any lasts remarks or questions on this thread, then we will be closing the thread.

After we close it, @HeartOfChaos, I'd ask that you not take this issue onto other threads or start more threads about it.

I'm sure you'll have some updates (e.g., she responds to your messages, agrees to meet, etc.) but any further threads will just be more of the same: 20 different guys telling you 20 different things, ranging from "When you meet her, say this" to "You need to get her to do that" to "I don't know why you're even meeting this girl, man; just go meet someone else."

Again, if you need further help, I would recommend you look for a coach who can give you dedicated support.

You may want to place a request on the Marketplace (be sure to read the rules).

Cheers,
Chase